Do you think this should have been handled differently?

[Only me]

My daughter is a junior in college and is taking an upper level spanish class. There are only 10 kids in the class. A boy in the class has been bullying my dd and her friend all semester. At first I thought perhaps the boy liked my dd and it was just his stupid immature way of showing it but it has definitely developed into more of a bullying situation. He swears at my dd and says inappropriate things to her (name calling etc.). Once he pulled his desk over so his desk was right up against my daughter's and he just started staring at her. The teacher finally made him move away. My daughter has no contact with him outside of class so they have no history and there is no reason why he should be treated like this.

 

Today they had to do an oral test with a partner. Everyone had to stay in the hallway until it was their turn. Once they were done they could leave. When it is your turn you leave your backpack in the hallway and then go into the classroom to have your test. When it was my dd's turn the only two people left were the bully and his friend. Halfway through the test there was a sudden commotion in the hall. My dd and her friend were startled and paused for a few seconds. They continued with their oral test but it was hard to concentrate due to the noise in the hall. Now my dd is worried that she will be marked down on her test.

 

When they finished the test the two girls and the teacher walked into the hall and were greeted by a strong smell. They started to cough and their eyes teared up. My daughter's friend has asthma so my daughter had to rush her to fresh air so that she could breath. It turns out that the boy had gone into my daughter's backpack and took out her lanyard which has a small container of pepper spray attached to it. There is a safety lid on it so it couldn't just spray accidentally. When my dd came back from helping her friend all the teacher did was to tell my daughter that she needed to keep her pepper spray away from this boy. This is college. It's not like he is a 4 year old. There have been 4 armed robberies (3 on campus and 1 a few blocks away from campus) over the past two months. I feel my daughter definitely has a reason for carrying around the pepper spray. The teacher put the blame on my daughter and didn't say anything to the other kid. He went into my daughter's backpack, pulled out her belongings and then was playing with the pepper spray. None of these are acceptable.

 

My daughter feels that there is nothing that she can do about it and that if she talks to the teacher that most likely she won't do anything anyway. The teacher has made it obvious that she doesn't like dd but that is another story. Even if the teacher were to reprimand the other student my dd feels it would just make matters worse.

 

My daughter was coughing for over an hour after breathing in the pepper spray and her poor friend's eyes were tearing up and she was having trouble breathing. It's not a laughing matter.

 

I'm just curious how you think this should have been handled. I realize that these are college students so it's not like the teacher can hand out detentions but I still feel she should have done or at least said something to the boy.

[dangermom]

College police need to be informed. Every time the boy does something, she needs to tell them. The dean of the instructor's department needs to know what is going on.

 

It is really hard to get rid of a guy like this, but it can be done--it will take a lot of work on her part though. No one else will do it for her.

[justLisa]

That sounds awful. I think your daughter needs to start reporting every single count of harassment.

[Mergath]

I would have gone straight to the police and filed a report. What the boy did was vandalism, and could be construed as assault. From what you've posted about his behavior, I'm guessing the boy has some medical/mental health condition his professors are aware of but can't disclose due to privacy laws, and that's why the prof didn't do more. Even so, the police need to be informed because it sounds like the kid is a threat to the people around him.

[scholarly]

Your daughter needs to contact student services and follow the college's official policy to lodge a formal complaint against the other student.

[Mrs_JWM]

I think your daughter should go to the student affairs office or the dean's office - maybe even public safety. This boy is harrassing her.

[kitten18]

I would have gone straight to the police and filed a report. What the boy did was vandalism, and could be construed as assault. From what you've posted about his behavior, I'm guessing the boy has some medical/mental health condition his professors are aware of but can't disclose due to privacy laws, and that's why the prof didn't do more. Even so, the police need to be informed because it sounds like the kid is a threat to the people around him.

:iagree: I would start with that and then keep pursuing as necessary.

 

I wouldn't bother talking to the teacher, that would be pointless.

[T'smom]

College police need to be informed. Every time the boy does something, she needs to tell them. The dean of the instructor's department needs to know what is going on.

 

It is really hard to get rid of a guy like this, but it can be done--it will take a lot of work on her part though. No one else will do it for her.

 

:iagree::iagree: start recording every incidence of the behavior. I would also consider it assault/vandalism. (I think it's really weird that they would have to leave their backpacks in the hallway. There is bound to be expensive electronics in some kids' backpacks and I would think the teacher would have a revolt on h hands)

[MomatHWTK]

:iagree::iagree: start recording every incidence of the behavior. I would also consider it assault/vandalism. (I think it's really weird that they would have to leave their backpacks in the hallway. There is bound to be expensive electronics in some kids' backpacks and I would think the teacher would have a revolt on h hands)

 

 

:iagree:

[Lady Florida.]

This is definitely harrassment but in college, the teacher is not the one to handle it. She should contact campus police, the city police, or maybe both.

[Seasider]

Completely unacceptable behavior, but the fact that this is a COLLEGE student makes it frightening. What the heck is the teacher thinking? Campus police need to be involved immediately. DD needs to write a record of everything that has happened. Also agreeing that she needs to march into the office of the Dean of Student Life and tell the dean that she is FRIGHTENED by this young man's altered behavior.

 

If it continued with no intervention on the part of campus officials, I would go to the local police department.

 

Your daughter does need to advocate for herself. Could she not have foreseen that the young man might have messed with her belongings? She needs to be confident about saying things like, "I don't feel that my belongings are secure out in the hallway, can I please bring the back pack into the room and put it in a closet/behind a desk while I am in here?"

 

:grouphug: to your daughter. Hope you can find a resolution to this situation.

[A.Balaban]

College police need to be informed. Every time the boy does something, she needs to tell them. The dean of the instructor's department needs to know what is going on.

 

It is really hard to get rid of a guy like this, but it can be done--it will take a lot of work on her part though. No one else will do it for her.

:iagree:

 

She needs to go to Campus Police and tell them that he went through her belongings.

[butterflymommy]

The guy (Loehner?) who shot the congresswoman had a history of this kind of behavior in college. I would go to campus police and the police and file reports. Try for a restraining order as well, the campus would have to honor it AFAIK. She should also register a complaint against the spanish teacher for not handling this better.

[Joanne]

First, a factual list of events. FACTUAL.

 

So,

 

"Boy student put his desk flush with female student and stared at her."

 

"Boy student accessed private property, and used property.

 

are what you are going for instead of:

 

"Teacher had a dip*hit arrangement and the backback was violated"

 

"Boy intimidated student by sitting close and staring like a creepazoid."

 

Then make a report with campus security and copy the appropriate Dean. There are Deans for everything, so track yours down.

[TranquilMind]

Your daughter needs to contact student services and follow the college's official policy to lodge a formal complaint against the other student.

 

Yes, this. And get everything in writing to create your paper trail.

[Stacy in NJ]

This isn't a bullying situation, this is a mental illness situation. This guy is a pyscho. Your dd needs to seek out help now before the situation escalates.

[KungFuPanda]

I would have her create a log of everything she can remember and turn it into campus police. She can just tell them "My professor isn't taking my complaints seriously and I need someone else to be aware of this situation in case it escalates. I don't know what to do to stop this harassment and I was hoping you could help me."

[Jane in NC]

While I believe it is your daughter's responsibility to file a complaint with campus police (and not the instructor's responsibility--she is a third party), I do think your daughter should ask for a new testing methodology that does not require students to leave packs outside of the classroom. That surprises me. Many colleges even in minimal crime communities will have signs in the library saying Do Not Leave Belongings Unattended. Leaving one's pack or purse in the hall to be monitored by a fellow student? That should not happen.

 

I agree with Stacy in NJ. This young man may be mentally ill. Please encourage your daughter to phone campus police soon.

Edited November 10, 2012 by Jane in NC

[TranquilMind]

This isn't a bullying situation, this is a mental illness situation. This guy is a pyscho. Your dd needs to seek out help now before the situation escalates.

 

I think this is probably more accurate.

[Parrothead]

Call the cops. At a minimum this is harassment. If it escalates any more it could fall under stalking laws depending on the state.

[Remudamom]

Why is this even in question??? Lawyer, restraining order? Police.

[Anne in CA]

This is very serious. Campus rape is a huge problem and it sound to me like this young man (he is not a boy) is seeing if he can turn your dd into a victim. Campus Police need to know about him and your dd needs to keep her pepper spray on her body and accessible at all times.

 

The teacher should have called Campus Police, but many teachers side with bullies. It is easier.

[regentrude]

I agree with pp: Campus police and student services are the parties to notify - not the instructor.

[justasque]

This situation is completely unacceptable. Campus police, ombudsman if there is one, an appropriate dean, head of the department, and cc to the head of the school. Now. Phone calls, followed up with letters. And all avenues at once, not one at a time as you would normally do. And frankly I would be seriously considering taking my dd out of the class and getting the school to allow her to attend another section or work independently with the teacher.

 

The teacher's decision to overlook this behavior is impacting your daughter's ability to learn, in a class I'm assuming you have paid dearly for. This is unacceptable.

 

I am a Virginia Tech alumni.

Given the mental illness possibility (if the scenario is as you have painted it here), competent college staff take this kind of thing seriously now.

If the teacher won't, you need to find someone who will.

[celticmom]

This situation is completely unacceptable. Campus police, ombudsman if there is one, an appropriate dean, head of the department, and cc to the head of the school. Now. Phone calls, followed up with letters. And all avenues at once, not one at a time as you would normally do. And frankly I would be seriously considering taking my dd out of the class and getting the school to allow her to attend another section or work independently with the teacher.

 

The teacher's decision to overlook this behavior is impacting your daughter's ability to learn, in a class I'm assuming you have paid dearly for. This is unacceptable.

 

I am a Virginia Tech alumni.

Given the mental illness possibility (if the scenario is as you have painted it here), competent college staff take this kind of thing seriously now.

If the teacher won't, you need to find someone who will.

 

:iagree:

[bolt.]

The girl is not a child, and this is not bullying. A college is not a school environment managed by teachers to keep minor students disciplined and safe.

 

A college is a semi-public environment at which adults purchase the service of recieving instruction etc. It is subject to the ordinary laws of ordinary places -- and her teacher has no responsibilites other than to teach (and perhaps manage his own classroom). When a woman is being harassed she needs to take action. She also needs to not leave her belongings in a hallway. I go to a *Seminary* and I wouldn't leave my belongings in unattended in a hallway.

 

What I'm saying is that she needs to stop expecting other people to look out for her and instead manage her own situations. She should do exactly what she would do if someone was acting this way towards her in a park, shopping mall, movie theatre, library or grocery store... Such as: find out if laws have been broken and make approreate reports of inappropreate conduct. Stand up straight and say, "Get lost, or I will have you charged." Move away from him, and *ask* the teacher to tell him to remain away from her.

 

Her passive attiude oozes the kind of high school girly powelessness that's going to get her all the wrong kinds of attention. If I were an undergrad prof, I'd be intentionally refusing to prop up her false view of her own role in the situations that confront her. I might be more clear about what I was trying to accomplish by it, but I'd definitely be ignoring the young man's behaviour unless it actually interfered with my instruction. (I also would never reccomend students leave their belongings unattended and I wouldn't make them wait in line -- that's defintiely poor judgment in the set-up of an exam. I'd just give the students appointment times and expect them to make their own arrangements in every other way.)

[WishboneDawn]

I'm with everyone else except I don't buy the mental illness idea just yet. I was harassed and bullied by a boy in high school who acted just as this boy did and he was not mentally ill in any way. My guess is he's a classic jerk who hasn't quite realized that college is NOT high school and his stupid behaviour could land him in deep trouble.

[Element]

This isn't a bullying situation, this is a mental illness situation. This guy is a pyscho. Your dd needs to seek out help now before the situation escalates.

 

:iagree:

 

I am honestly very concerned for the safety of your daughter after reading your OP. I went to cc and uni and never encountered anything like what you have described in this man (and keep in mind, this isn't just a "rude boy." This is an obviously disturbed college-aged man.)

[Harriet Vane]

This situation is completely unacceptable. Campus police, ombudsman if there is one, an appropriate dean, head of the department, and cc to the head of the school. Now. Phone calls, followed up with letters. And all avenues at once, not one at a time as you would normally do. And frankly I would be seriously considering taking my dd out of the class and getting the school to allow her to attend another section or work independently with the teacher.

 

The teacher's decision to overlook this behavior is impacting your daughter's ability to learn, in a class I'm assuming you have paid dearly for. This is unacceptable.

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Also I like Joanne's advice for wording things unemotionally and factually.

 

This is absolutely unacceptable and should be escalated immediately. Do not accept any stupid bureaucratic minimizing from the university either.

[Jan in SC]

I would go with her to student services and ask them to call the campus police into the meeting. I would ask that this person be removed from your dd's class. This is beyond bullying. If it were my child, I would tell them that you will not tolerate the behavior and if they are unable to find a resolution that is acceptable to you, the city/town police will be involved immediately!

 

I don't care how old your dd is, it is absolutely acceptable for you and her father to help in this situation.

 

:grouphug:

[brownie]

I was harassed by a guy in college...and not nearly as creepy as your daughter's situation. He then moved onto another girl in the class where he'd met me. I warned her about what he had been doing to me (following me mostly) and he found out and made a threatening phone call to me. We told his RA who was an adult friend of my husband's. It turns out later he attempted suicide.

 

I also had a landlord harass me. We moved out to get away from him bc he was creepy. We went to the police and got a restraining order. Turned out when they pulled the guy's name up on the computer, there had been 8 or 10 reports against him over the years.

 

When it comes to creepy guys, trust your instincts and file a report.

 

Brownie

[NotSoObvious]

They aren't kids, they are adults. I'm not surprised the professor did nothing. It's really not her/his place.

She should report it to the police as harassment.

[Elizabeth in MN]

I would skip notifying the school and go straight to the police. Colleges and Universities and NOTORIOUS for sweeping things under the rug. This includes rape, which I can see this behavior escalating to.

 

Also, check into pepper spray laws in the area your DD is in. Some places it's not legal.

 

Edited to add - is her room key on the lanyard, or personal information like address and telephone number?

Edited November 10, 2012 by Elizabeth in MN

[Alphabetika]

College police need to be informed. Every time the boy does something, she needs to tell them. The dean of the instructor's department needs to know what is going on.

 

It is really hard to get rid of a guy like this, but it can be done--it will take a lot of work on her part though. No one else will do it for her.

 

Yes, yes, yes. Please go above the teacher. A student like this should be placed on probation or have to leave the campus altogether.

[jujsky]

She needs to contact the dean and/or campus police. That is not acceptable behavior.

[snowbeltmom]

They aren't kids, they are adults. I'm not surprised the professor did nothing. It's really not her/his place.

She should report it to the police as harassment.

:iagree:

 

When I was in college, a friend was also harassed in a similar manner as the one described by the OP. It began in the classroom, but then escalated to the point that this guy was stalking her.

 

There was nothing the professors/administrators at the college could do about the situation. My friend ended up reporting the situation to the city police and got a restraining order. This was back in the '80's. I am not sure if college professors/administrators have more authority in cases like this today or not.

 

Your dd should obviously be taking this very seriously and be ready for this jerk to continue his harassment outside of the classroom.

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: Like other posters, I don't understand why the instructor made the students leave their personal belongings in the hallway. There is no way as a college student I would have complied with that request.

Edited November 10, 2012 by snowbeltmom

[kewb]

First, a factual list of events. FACTUAL.

 

So,

 

"Boy student put his desk flush with female student and stared at her."

 

"Boy student accessed private property, and used property.

 

are what you are going for instead of:

 

"Teacher had a dip*hit arrangement and the backback was violated"

 

"Boy intimidated student by sitting close and staring like a creepazoid."

 

Then make a report with campus security and copy the appropriate Dean. There are Deans for everything, so track yours down.

 

:iagree: This can easily escalate into something more. Your daughter has to be the one to report it and stay on top of it. If campus police/dean do not handle the matter properly take your paper trail to the police.

[besroma]

Your daughter needs to contact student services and follow the college's official policy to lodge a formal complaint against the other student.

 

:iagree:

[Susann]

College police need to be informed. Every time the boy does something, she needs to tell them. The dean of the instructor's department needs to know what is going on.

 

It is really hard to get rid of a guy like this, but it can be done--it will take a lot of work on her part though. No one else will do it for her.

:iagree:

[Susann]

I agree with pp: Campus police and student services are the parties to notify - not the instructor.

:iagree:

[Word Nerd]

Like others, I wouldn't expect the teacher to handle it or be able to do anything. I would go directly to campus police and follow the college's procedures for reporting harrassment by a student. I think she should be more assertive when he tries to intimidate her in class, though I know that's easier said than done. I would also go to the city police if nothing is done at the campus level.

Edited November 10, 2012 by WordGirl

[J-rap]

She should call the campus police, inform the dean of students, and maybe file a report with the city's police department as well.

 

Also, the requirement of forcing students to leave backpacks unattended in the hall should not be tolerated.

[swellmomma]

College police need to be informed. Every time the boy does something, she needs to tell them. The dean of the instructor's department needs to know what is going on.

 

It is really hard to get rid of a guy like this, but it can be done--it will take a lot of work on her part though. No one else will do it for her.

 

:iagree:When it is adults it no longer counts as bullying, the law considers it harassment and it includes serious repercussions. This boy needs to know he is risking being expelled from college and jail time if he does not stop.

[Word Nerd]

:iagree:When it is adults it no longer counts as bullying, the law considers it harassment and it includes serious repercussions. This boy needs to know he is risking being expelled from college and jail time if he does not stop.

 

:iagree: and I would not even use the word bullying in any complaints.

[happyhomemaker25]

Another thing you might consider is getting your daughter enrolled in a self defense course. This would not only help her if the need arises, but would also give her a little more confidence to stand up for herself and say, "NO!"

I would have my daughter tell the dean, campus security, and file a police report for going through her stuff. It might seem minor, but it would create a paper trail at least. Go with her if it makes her feel more comfortable. She is a single young lady and there is nothing wrong with having parental protection still.

Your daughter has every right to feel safe on campus.

[TranquilMind]

Another thing you might consider is getting your daughter enrolled in a self defense course. This would not only help her if the need arises, but would also give her a little more confidence to stand up for herself and say, "NO!"

 

Yes, I just thought the same thing. I watched "Enough" (movie with Jennifer Lopez as the victim) today. That's probably why.

[ELITEANDLOVINGIT]

Agree with those that say involve campus police...

 

1) He had no business entering your daughter's backpack without permission ( I think this is criminal, but I am not sure what the code is).

 

2) He is bullying (which in most states is now a crime).

 

I would get a restraining order if it continues, document every incidence yourself and contact the police. See if there is another class that your daughter can move into for her own safety. I would say move him, but I really think it is safer for she and her friend to transfer if possible, then he has no idea what class, or where she has been moved.

 

Hate to say it but in college...squeaky parent and litigious parent gets the grease.

 

Scary!

[Lisbeth]

Do they allow ccw on this campus? Most don't, just wondering. I have my ccw because I am small, creepy men are bigger, and I refuse to be a victim.

 

I am LDS, and cursing is discouraged, but she needs to use her big girl words and loudly call him out and tell hin to back the *%$@@ off or she will get a restaining order. Explketives optinal. What has already been done needs to be reported to campus and regular police and I would do a city/county search on line for his history. This is the type of kids who starys shooting eventually.

 

Grrr, this kind of thing drives me crazy. Universities are way too tolerant of crazy.

[kiana]

How in the hell is it not some form of illegal to pick through her backpack?

 

Also, leaving backpacks in the hallway is crazy. What if I had a laptop/cellphone in the backpack and it was stolen because the other student wasn't watching it enough? The instructor has not thought this through and the department would probably be quite perturbed to know she's doing that, as it may leave them open for some form of liability if a student has an item stolen due to following the instructor's orders.

[gardenmom5]

while I agree reporting to campus police is good - they do tend to side with the school and try to cover=up stuff (other parents might find out and it could hurt their bottom line.) unless it is so bad the victim reports it to the "real" police. I'd report to campus police ,and ALSO report to the city police.

 

No way would I leave my stuff unattended. if the teacher has a problem that's her problem and she can put her cash on the line to pay for things that then need to be replaced. cash upfront.