For future knowledge - did I do the wrong thing?

[k2bdeutmeyer]

So, we were at the indoor play area at the mall today with a couple friends. There were 3 boys there who looked to be about 4yr, 6yr, and 8yr. The 6 and 8yr olds were probably technically too big to even be playing in there anyway.

 

DD and her 2 little friends (we'll call them A and R) came up and told us that these boys were kicking them and they were trying to get away. I asked older DD to go check it out and make sure that DD and her friends weren't antagonizing these boys. She confirmed that they were not.

 

I was watching the littlest one in particular as he seemed to have the most aggression. I caught him with his elbow up and fist cocked to A at one point. I walked over to him and said "excuse me, but if you hit her....." and before I could say anything else he ran off saying "I don't care". Shortly thereafter, he was playing on the toy right in front of me and looked at me and said "and I'll punch you in the face too!" All I said to him was "excuse me?". He was a little more cautious after that to not do anything directly in front of me. He would glance to see if I was watching.

 

His mother gathered he and his brothers up to leave and I was relieved. The oldest was taking his time coming and the mom grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him off the toys while telling the middle child that if he didn't listen right then, she was going to "punch him in the face". The youngest kicked A in the shin right in front of the mother....who did nothing.

 

They returned about 5 minutes later. The youngest continued to push, kick, etc....everyone around him. I stood up to keep a closer eye on him and caught him with DD in the corner, elbow up, fist cocked. I ran over, grabbed him (gently) by the arm and walked him to his mom who was sitting at a table OUTSIDE the play area talking on the phone. He did not resist at all, and it was mostly the equivalent of holding his hand (except I had his wrist). He willingly walked with me the entire way. I explained that he had raised his fist to my daughter several times as well as kicked, pushed, and that I had had enough. Her only concern was that I had touched her child.

 

I apologized for touching him, but then reiterated the reason why I had done it. She continued insisting that if I had better not "lay my hands" on her child or her "ghetto b&tch" would come out. I just walked away. She proceeded to take her son into the candy store next to the play area to buy him a treat. No apology. No scolding. Nothing.

 

So.....should I not have touched him? I didn't even think about it. It was purely instinctual at that point. Had he resisted or fought against me, I certainly would not have persisted. And had she allowed him to return into the play area, I would have gone to get security.

 

I dunno......just thinking that maybe I did react poorly. As much as my heart was pounding and my blood boiling, I did do ALL of it very calmly.

 

Thoughts?

[joannqn]

Our society is a mess.

 

So you don't get in trouble, I'd refrain from "touching" someone else's child. Take your child with you (to keep her safe) and tell the mother that her child is assaulting other children and if she doesn't put a stop to it, you'll have to protect the other children by calling mall security or the police.

[woolybear]

Wow. Just wow. I think you sounded very restrained. My reaction would've been sooner and perhaps not so kind.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Mine is a "sort of" answer. I don't think that the way you brought the child over was wrong, but it will often receive the response that you got. I agree with what Joann said, but a mother like that might have still answered in exactly the same way just because you confronted her.

[Princess Peach]

I would not have touched him. BUT, I don't think you did anything wrong. I am just non-confrontational and probably would have left instead.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that what you did was fine, but it is not what I would have done.

 

I would have joined the play area, and physically blocked (but not grabbed or even touched) the aggressive children. I would have repeated, "No hurting people." and I would have said this calmly. They would have left after a while.

[Heatherwith4]

I think you handled it just fine. I wouldn't want someone touching my child, either. But since I feel that way, I know it means that I have to be there to deal with my own children. If one of my dc was (Heaven forbid) getting physical with another child, and for some reason I didn't see/or wasn't around, I would not be angry if another adult intervened. These children have clearly learned their behavior from their mother. You were not in the wrong at all.

[Daisy]

Maybe the mom freaked out a little bit. I'm thinking maybe...

 

My child is walking willingly with this lady.

My child is walking willingly with this lady outside the play area.

My child is walking willingly with this STRANGER outside the play area.

My child is walking willingly with this stranger outside the play area and I didn't even NOTICE.

 

Freak out.

Embarrassment at lack of parenting.

 

Or as evidenced by the fact that she previously threatened to punch her kid in the face, it is entirely possible that she is just a jerk.

 

I do try to avoid touching other people's children. I think even a normal parent is going to have some variation on the first reaction above.

[lauranc]

um.. her "ghetto b*tch"?

 

People are truly odd.

 

I think you did the right thing. She obviously has some issues --after all she did tell one of her kids she was going to punch him--- honestly, it's no wonder the kids act the way they do.

 

You have to protect your kid, and you weren't hurting the little boy. If anything, it helps *him* to see there are actually boundaries, and that some things like.. say... threatening to punch someone isn't socially acceptable.

 

Since his parental figure doesn't seem to know those boundaries exist, he'll have to get little bits and pieces from other people--

[Pretty in Pink]

I wouldn't have put my hands on him. I'm tiny. I don't want anyone's "ghetto b!tch" coming out on me. I would have told her one time about her child's misbehavior; if she brushed me off then the next time I would have flagged down mall security.

[Ester Maria]

You did the right thing in protecting your daughter from violence.

The boy's mother sounds negligient, honestly.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I wouldn't have put my hands on him. I'm tiny. I don't want anyone's "ghetto b!tch" coming out on me. I would have told her one time about her child's misbehavior; if she brushed me off then the next time I would have flagged down mall security.

 

 

:iagree: And I agree with the others that I don't think you did anything wrong. AT ALL! However, I have seen way too many moms (and it is almost always the neglectful ones) who will COME UNGLUED if anyone so much as lays a harsh look on their precious angel. :glare:

 

The moms I hang out with are always like,"I'm glad you set him straight" or "thank you for taking care of it" and the like.

[Remudamom]

You can't win with this type of person. You either have to do what you did or leave with your kids. I guess you could have called mall security.

[Alenee]

My first instinct would've been to do the same thing, though because of my time as a preschool teacher, I would've retrained myself from actually grabbing the child. My second instinct, because I hate confrontation, would've been to collect my children and leave. I wouldn't hesitate to back you up for what you did though. It's sad to hear about the way the mother reacted. :grouphug:

[AuntieM]

I would not have touched him, however, I have a practiced "voice of authority" that always seems to get kids' attention (er, other people's kids!). I would have used that voice, as well as the "sheepdog" tactics others have mentioned for carving his presence away from my kid.

 

The fact that he went with you so compliantly suggests to me that the kid has done this many times, knowing exactly how his mom would react, right down to the trip to the candy store. So, so sad.

 

FWIW, I know you were reacting to quickly rescue your dd, but appealing to the management, alerting them to bullying in the play area) may work as a more preemptive strike in future situations.

[Pretty in Pink]

I just wanted to add that I don't think what you did was wrong. Not at all. It just isn't what I would have done, that's all. Kudos to you for having the b @ lls to do what needed to be done.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I just wanted to add that I don't think what you did was wrong. Not at all. It just isn't what I would have done, that's all. Kudos to you for having the b @ lls to do what needed to be done.

 

Funny thing is....I'm VERY non-confrontational. Mama Bear took over.

 

I'm still shaking.

[itsheresomewhere]

You don't touch another person's kid. It not worth it. Instead you stand up and in your loudest voice say" Does this child belong to anyone?" repeat it three times. Then you have security paged. That seems to get the mom off the phone and then they leave.

 

Or that is what I do.

[angela in ohio]

I think you get what you pay for at a free play area. :D

 

I wouldn't touch someone else's child. The same person who can't be bothered to parent will almost always be the one to get the most defensive of her poor baby whom you abused. I think you put yourself and your dc in danger (you saw that by her comments.) You don't realize until you have seen it over and over (in dh's work, for example,) but many people really are scary.

 

I would have left after the first incident.

[Jennifer3141]

I think you get what you pay for at a free play area. :D

 

I wouldn't touch someone else's child. The same person who can't be bothered to parent will almost always be the one to get the most defensive of her poor baby whom you abused. I think you put yourself and your dc in danger (you saw that by her comments.) You don't realize until you have seen it over and over (in dh's work, for example,) but many people really are scary.

 

I would have left after the first incident.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

IME, the kids who are the most violent at places like this are going to have the most whacko parents. So you have to bend over backwards to not escalate the situation by putting your hands on this kind of child.

 

I would have gotten mall security after the first incident and let them deal with it.

[SKL]

If society were not sick, touching him as you did would have been the absolutely correct thing to do.

 

Nowadays, though, a lot of people would have a problem with you putting even one pinky finger on that child, or even saying anything to him for that matter.

 

You don't want your kids to see you in a ghetto brawl.

 

The other thing I'd be careful of is whether your confronting the mom could have led to her children being abused. People with no self-control take stress out that way.

 

Personally I would have left if it got that bad, but I might have said something pointed in the mom's hearing as I was leaving.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I knew the mom was going to be volatile, but I also knew that there were a lot of other parents nearby who would stand up for me if it had escalated. I guess Mama Bear just took over and I was running on pure adrenaline.

 

I wish mall security had been around more, because it wasn't until it was all over that I thought about that. Had they been more present, I definitely would have thought to say something to them.

 

Maybe we should've left, but I felt like it wasn't fair to my kids to pay the price for another child being awful.

[jamajo]

If you had done anything other than what you did your kid may have been hurt and to me that is more important than touching someone else's child.

 

There is a thin line between protecting yourself (your children) and "touching" someone's child. You HAD to react to keep your DD from getting hurt. Unfortunately the only way to deal with GHETTO is to get GHETTO just ask my mom who works in an inner city school:tongue_smilie: All the parents respect my mom b/c she doesn't take their crap and her principal supports everything she does b/c my mom protects her from the crazy people :lol:

 

.

[JessReplanted]

Mmm.. I don't touch other people kids in a situation like that. But, I probably would have given him a 'talking to' and asked him where his mother was and then let her know that he was causing problems. I've been known to be the mom at the park who walks up to another parent and says "Excuse me, is that YOUR child?"

 

How frustrating!!

[Jennifer3141]

I knew the mom was going to be volatile, but I also knew that there were a lot of other parents nearby who would stand up for me if it had escalated. I guess Mama Bear just took over and I was running on pure adrenaline.

 

I wish mall security had been around more, because it wasn't until it was all over that I thought about that. Had they been more present, I definitely would have thought to say something to them.

 

Maybe we should've left, but I felt like it wasn't fair to my kids to pay the price for another child being awful.

 

Whenever you have a problem like that at a mall, go into any store or kiosk in the mall and ask them to call security. Every store there has them on speed dial. :D

[Mommy22alyns]

Wow. Like a lot of PP's said, I don't think you were wrong but I probably wouldn't have touched him either. You did a remarkable job to stay calm though.

[Mrs Mungo]

Our society is a mess.

 

So you don't get in trouble, I'd refrain from "touching" someone else's child. Take your child with you (to keep her safe) and tell the mother that her child is assaulting other children and if she doesn't put a stop to it, you'll have to protect the other children by calling mall security or the police.

 

Mine is a "sort of" answer. I don't think that the way you brought the child over was wrong, but it will often receive the response that you got. I agree with what Joann said, but a mother like that might have still answered in exactly the same way just because you confronted her.

 

:iagree:

 

As my kids have gotten older and I am less tolerant? We leave more frequently when kids are being awful. It might not feel right, it might even encourage bad behavior, but sometimes it is the best answer. :glare:

[GWOB]

I think you get what you pay for at a free play area. :D

 

I wouldn't touch someone else's child. The same person who can't be bothered to parent will almost always be the one to get the most defensive of her poor baby whom you abused. I think you put yourself and your dc in danger (you saw that by her comments.) You don't realize until you have seen it over and over (in dh's work, for example,) but many people really are scary.

 

I would have left after the first incident.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't think you were wrong. 10 years ago this would have been a common practice. Now? Ghetto mom can threaten to punch her kid in the face, but if you guide her kid to her to avoid harm being done to your child?!?! Yep. The ghetto comes out. Now, if you had brought my snotty child to me, I would have thanked you and fixed the problem immediately. Of course, I would have been watching my kid and NOT threatening to punch them in the face, but that's irrelevent.

 

In general, people do not appreciate being told their children are misbehaving. I probably would have just given ghetto mom the stink eye and left. It stinks that the good kids have to suffer, but you just can't tell when you are dealing with a decent parents or a ghettolicious gangsta.

[Cassy]

I wouldn't have touched anybody else's child, simply because I'm well aware of how sensitive people are about such things. However, you really shouldn't have got the reaction you did.

 

I once told a boy off who I saw kick my four year old in the throat on a piece of play equipment. We were on holiday and his parents were at the bar. He ran off and next moment mom, dad and big sister were all there having a go at me. I just told them exactly what I'd seen happen, exactly what I said, and suggested that if they were concerned maybe they should be supervising him, as I was mine. Some people really are incredible.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Lang Syne Boardie]

One of my biggest fears as a parent is that somebody else's inner ghetto will trigger my inner trailer park, and I never want my kids to see that.

 

We tend to quietly leave if there's a problem. I watch my own dc very closely anytime we're away from home, so issues rarely escalate beyond the point that just quietly leaving would be successful.

[Mom0012]

My first instinct would likely have been the same as yours. In this day and age, though, it would probably have been best to gather up your kids so that they were safe and then walk over to the mom or find security.

 

Lisa

[Amy in NH]

I guess you could have called mall security.

 

:iagree: This is what I would have done; tattled the whole story to mall security and ask them to watch for a while.

[grace'smom]

You did a good thing today. Regardless of where your hands were during the whole thing, you taught your daughter that you will make sure she is safe to the best of your ability and that she can count on you to try to protect her. Great job! Because in the end the thing you can really take away from this is that, no matter how you try to handle the situation next time, you can and will do what it takes to protect your child.

[ebrindam]

I would leave with my children in that situation. I would not want them exposed to that behavior OR to the potential reaction of the mother. I would then take the kids to do something more fun.

[Tap]

I do not think you should have touched him, since is seems like you could have removed you daughter just as easily. I do not agree that acting aggressively toward him was appropriately. I understand that you were trying to protect your daughter, but instead of removing him, I feel you should have removed your own child. Had there been no other way to get to your daughter, I would feel differently, but it sounds like he would have backed off with just your voice (since he did previously).

 

Then I would have notified the staff of this boys behavior. If the staff did not deal with it, we would have left.

[Impish]

I do not think you should have touched him, since is seems like you could have removed you daughter just as easily. I do not agree that acting aggressively toward him was appropriately. I understand that you were trying to protect your daughter, but instead of removing him, I feel you should have removed your own child. Had there been no other way to get to your daughter, I would feel differently, but it sounds like he would have backed off with just your voice (since he did previously).

 

Then I would have notified the staff of this boys behavior. If the staff did not deal with it, we would have left.

I agree, to a point.

 

I'm sick and tired of having to remove well behaving children from a fun activity/place b/c there's another kid there that is completely misbehaving, and whose parent appears to either be completely clueless, or content to ignore everything.

 

Why is it that removing behaving kids seems to have become the default when it comes to these situations? How is that rewarding their positive behaviour?

 

*This isn't actually directed at you, Tap. Just frustrated, as it seems ill behaviour tends to get rewarded, ie misbehaving kid gets to stay, others have to leave*

[Soror]

You did the right thing in protecting your daughter from violence.

The boy's mother sounds negligient, honestly.

 

Seriously.

 

I have and will physically stop kids from hitting my own.

 

eta I mean physically stop as in the op. I cannot ever recall getting angry with someone's kids but just enough contact to stop them.

Edited February 9, 2012 by soror

[mommymilkies]

:iagree: This is what I would have done; tattled the whole story to mall security and ask them to watch for a while.

 

:iagree: I don't like confrontation, so I probably would have left and alerted security. OP, I don't think you did anything wrong, but many parents will take it that way, so next time I would collect your dc to keep them safe and alert security.

[Jennifer3141]

I agree, to a point.

 

I'm sick and tired of having to remove well behaving children from a fun activity/place b/c there's another kid there that is completely misbehaving, and whose parent appears to either be completely clueless, or content to ignore everything.

 

Why is it that removing behaving kids seems to have become the default when it comes to these situations? How is that rewarding their positive behaviour?

 

*This isn't actually directed at you, Tap. Just frustrated, as it seems ill behaviour tends to get rewarded, ie misbehaving kid gets to stay, others have to leave*

 

I don't look at it as rewarding bad behavior and I would not have removed my child permanently - I would have called for mall security.

 

But you just never know with people anymore. What if this woman did go all "ghetto" on the OP and physically assaulted her? What if she carried a knife?

 

I am personally more wary of people whose children act this way - especially in a public place with children they don't know. I give them the benefit of the doubt because I've got no idea how whacko their parents are.

 

When I heard the woman talk about punching her kid in the face, I would have called my kid over and told her to stay away from this kid, period.

[clarkacademy]

Well, in that situation depending on how loudly she yelled it would have been two things. I would have either calmly said lower your voice to me or we can take this outside. Not very mature on my part I know but I don't handle that to well. My kids know this and will even say mom has to walk away or be violent.

 

I wouldn't have left with my kids. I would have stood over them while they played and if the kid tried to touch mine again I would have screamed at the mother to get her kid off of mine. I also would have told security no matter what. I don't think how you reacted was wrong I think parents should take care of their kid and she wasn't.

[Farrar]

Our society is a mess.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I do think it's better not to touch a kid you don't know - not just because of liability kinds of things or crazy parents, but because you don't know what a child's issues or background might be.

 

I think the best thing is to try to be more proactive and confrontational from the start - make it even clearer to the kid that you see that he's bothering your kids and needs to stop and then also point it out to the parent. But it's hard to do that sometimes without coming off as a total annoying mother yourself.

[Annie G]

One of my biggest fears as a parent is that somebody else's inner ghetto will trigger my inner trailer park, and I never want my kids to see that.

 

 

:lol:

[FaithManor]

I agree, to a point.

 

I'm sick and tired of having to remove well behaving children from a fun activity/place b/c there's another kid there that is completely misbehaving, and whose parent appears to either be completely clueless, or content to ignore everything.

 

Why is it that removing behaving kids seems to have become the default when it comes to these situations? How is that rewarding their positive behaviour?

 

*This isn't actually directed at you, Tap. Just frustrated, as it seems ill behaviour tends to get rewarded, ie misbehaving kid gets to stay, others have to leave*

 

 

I agree Imp! I'm really tired of the rotten parents and ill behaved children winning.

 

That said, I probably would not have touched the kid...too much liability. But, I would have gotten between the little kid and in a nasty, little passive aggressive demeanor and voice reminded him that I will NOT let him hurt anyone. Then I would have straightened up, whipped out my cell phone, and announced very loudly so all of the bystanders and the completely negligent mom on the phone could hear me say, "I'm calling mall security because this unattended child is assaulting other children and making threats." Even if mom got up from the table, I still would have been on the phone to mall security. Chances are momma bear over there is all talk and no action. But, if she wants to hit me, she can do a night in jail and have her child taken into CPS custody. Not my problem!

 

Prior to the age of 42, I was socially, a very graceful person. Perimenopause has apparently made me rethink my pacivist past! :D

 

Truly I love peace. But, I don't think we can have it so long as the chaos makers of society get to win every skirmish.

 

Faith

[MSNative]

One of my biggest fears as a parent is that somebody else's inner ghetto will trigger my inner trailer park, and I never want my kids to see that.

.

:lol::lol::lol:

[mom2scouts]

I agree, to a point.

 

I'm sick and tired of having to remove well behaving children from a fun activity/place b/c there's another kid there that is completely misbehaving, and whose parent appears to either be completely clueless, or content to ignore everything.

 

Why is it that removing behaving kids seems to have become the default when it comes to these situations? How is that rewarding their positive behaviour?

 

*This isn't actually directed at you, Tap. Just frustrated, as it seems ill behaviour tends to get rewarded, ie misbehaving kid gets to stay, others have to leave*

 

:iagree: I would have had to restrain myself from telling the mother that her "ghetto b***h" was already showing in her parenting skills.

[ravinlunachick]

I think it was a phenomenally bad idea to put your hands on the other kid and take him anywhere.

 

However, I absolutely understand the mama bear. BTDT, and with a similar sounding kid. In our case, he was with a much older man (grandpa?) who wasn't watching him at all. DD had come and told us the kid pushed her, and I told her to stay away from him. When I saw the kid making a beeline again for dd, jumping at her like he was about to attack, I knew I had to do something. My "inner-city teacher" came out maybe a bit stronger than mama bear, lol, and I walked over there and stood right up by him, looking down and said in a LOUD, angry voice, "You don't TOUCH my kid! Do you understand me?!?"

 

Lord, it felt like everybody in that wing of the mall was looking at me! :lol: But you know what? Grandpa took notice too. The kid backed off a little and then Grandpa came over and grabbed him up, made him apologize and hauled his little butt out of there.

 

 

I admit to wondering what all of y'all think mall security will do about a kid pushing another kid. I could understand calling them if the mom seemed threatening, but I would expect to get laughed at if I said I wanted them to come because a little kid was being bratty.

[justamouse]

Our society is a mess.

 

So you don't get in trouble, I'd refrain from "touching" someone else's child. Take your child with you (to keep her safe) and tell the mother that her child is assaulting other children and if she doesn't put a stop to it, you'll have to protect the other children by calling mall security or the police.

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

You can't win with this type of person. You either have to do what you did or leave with your kids. I guess you could have called mall security.

 

Exactly. And to a PP who said 'our society is a mess!'

 

What a freak of a mother to react that way. Wow.

[AuntieM]

I think it was a phenomenally bad idea to put your hands on the other kid and take him anywhere.

 

However, I absolutely understand the mama bear. BTDT, and with a similar sounding kid. In our case, he was with a much older man (grandpa?) who wasn't watching him at all. DD had come and told us the kid pushed her, and I told her to stay away from him. When I saw the kid making a beeline again for dd, jumping at her like he was about to attack, I knew I had to do something. My "inner-city teacher" came out maybe a bit stronger than mama bear, lol, and I walked over there and stood right up by him, looking down and said in a LOUD, angry voice, "You don't TOUCH my kid! Do you understand me?!?"

 

Lord, it felt like everybody in that wing of the mall was looking at me! :lol: But you know what? Grandpa took notice too. The kid backed off a little and then Grandpa came over and grabbed him up, made him apologize and hauled his little butt out of there.

 

I admit to wondering what all of y'all think mall security will do about a kid pushing another kid. I could understand calling them if the mom seemed threatening, but I would expect to get laughed at if I said I wanted them to come because a little kid was being bratty.

 

It's not about the kid being bratty, it's about him being unattended. And bratty.

[ravinlunachick]

I could *maybe* see them telling the mom to stay with him, but that wasn't the real issue was it? It was that he was being aggressive, which mall security probably wouldn't see as their duty to handle.

 

Unless it was Paul Blart, of course. ;)

 

ETA that I suspect the mom, as described by the OP, would have been too attentive or proactive in stopping the behaviors, even if she'd been 2 feet from him.