Are these normal twinges of grief? Or am I stuck? What do you think?

[BamaTanya]

I was at a workshop the other day, and I was chatting around the coffee server with a few other ladies. One commented on another's dress and the compliment recipient said it was from her grandmother. A little talk about her grandmother and their relationship followed. Grandmother is a breast cancer survivor, she's 83, etc.

 

I enjoyed the conversation and the friendly group. But I felt a pang, and the thought, unbidden, came: "I wish my mom had been a survivor. 83? Wow. Wouldn't it have been great to have my mom for 17 more years?"

 

That seems kind of normal to me. Does it to you? I didn't cry, and we went back into the workshop. Yada. Yada.

 

They introduced the workshop presenter. In addition to her professional credentials, she is a 3-time cancer survivor.

 

As it happens, this speaker used to work with my mom.

 

Sigh.

 

A couple of weeks ago, something happened that made me think of Mom. Actually, I think of her every day, but this time I said to my dd:

 

"Isn't that just like your Nana? Wow. I wish she were here. I miss her so much."

 

I may have gotten teary. Not weeping. Just wistful.

 

 

And my dd said, "Are you EVER going to be okay?"

 

So . . . that made me think. My dd thinks I'm not "okay." She's a teen and, well, doesn't always see things the way I do, but I thought I'd ask here.

 

Do you all think that my twinges are normal? 3 years later? Will they ever go away, or will I always have ripples of sadness when I think of how much I miss her?

 

To be honest, I'm crying right now as I write this. I haven't cried in months, but I do remember having a little choke in my voice when I was talking to dh about something -- some milestone one of the dc had reached and I wished I could show Mom . . . .

 

I know it's never ever the same when we lose someone so dear -- so integral to our lives. But do you think I'm okay? Or not?

Edited October 15, 2011 by BamaTanya

[Hedgehog]

It sounds to me like you're just going through the normal process of grieving. Don't forget that it wasn't your DDs mom, so she won't feel the same - their relationship was different.

 

I think it's very important to give yourself space and time to grieve and say goodbye to someone you've lost. And everyone is so different in how they deal with these things, anyway. :grouphug:

 

How long has it been since your mom passed away?

 

ETA- sorry, I missed that you said 3yrs. IMO that's not much time.

Edited October 15, 2011 by Hedgehog

[BamaTanya]

How long has it been since your mom passed away?

 

It's been 3 years. My feelings don't interfered with my day-to-day activities or moods. I enjoy things. I laugh. But many fun events are slightly shadowed by the thought that Mom would have loved to be here. She loved LOVED her grandchildren. She saw them nearly everyday -- had them over for tea parties or took them shopping or picked them up from school so I wouldn't have to awaken the napping baby . . . .

[littlebug42]

I think it is perfectly normal. My Dad died 2 years ago and my FIL, who I was very close to, died 6 years ago. I still have those moments from time to time also, particularly when I think of how much my children are missing out on to have no Grandpas. I am SO close to my mother that if something happened to her, I cannot imagine I would overcome it easily. You are OK but I am not sure that a loss like that is something that you are ever truly just "over".

[momofkhm]

I was at a workshop the other day, and I was chatting around the coffee server with a few other ladies. One commented on another's dress and the compliment recipient said it was from her grandmother. A little talk about her grandmother and their relationship followed. Grandmother is a breast cancer survivor, she's 83, etc.

 

I enjoyed the conversation and the friendly group. But I felt a pang, and the thought, unbidden, came: "I wish my mom had been a survivor. 83? Wow. Wouldn't it have been great to have my mom for 17 more years?"

 

That seems kind of normal to me. Does it to you? I didn't cry, and we went back into the workshop. Yada. Yada.

 

They introduced the workshop presenter. In addition to her professional credentials, she is a 3-time cancer survivor.

 

As it happens, this speaker used to work with my mom.

 

Sigh.

 

A couple of weeks ago, something happened that made me think of Mom. Actually, I think of her every day, but this time I said to my dd:

 

"Isn't that just like your Nana? Wow. I wish she were here. I miss her so much."

 

I may have gotten teary. Not weeping. Just wistful.

 

 

And my dd said, "Are you EVER going to be okay?"

 

So . . . that made me think. My dd thinks I'm not "okay." She's a teen and, well, doesn't always see things the way I do, but I thought I'd ask here.

 

Do you all think that my twinges are normal? 3 years later? Will they ever go away, or will I always have ripples of sadness when I think of how much I miss her?

 

To be honest, I'm crying right now as I write this. I haven't cried in months, but I do remember having a little choke in my voice when I was talking to dh about something -- some milestone one of the dc had reached and I wished I could show Mom . . . .

 

I know it's never ever the same when we lose someone so dear -- so integral to our lives. But do you think I'm okay? Or not?

 

I haven't lost my mom yet. But I did ask her within the last year if she still misses her mom. Her mom died when I was 12/13/14. I'm in my 40's now. Yes, my mom still misses her mom. Especially at those times when she would like to share things with her - my wedding, the births of my kids, my dad's retirement, etc.

 

If grandma had been a cancer survivor, and only 3 years past, I get the feeling my mom would have reacted the same way you did. Sad. Wistful. Teary. Your dd is like I was. She just does not know.

 

From my perspective, you are reacting normally. You are fine!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[asta]

I lost my dad in 1979. And no, I'm still not "over" it. Why should I be? He was my dad. It's not like I could just go get another one at the pound.

 

Do I spend my days in bed depressed and weeping? No. But am I periodically reminded of him by something and get all choked up (or, frankly, have a good cry) -- absolutely. That is my right.

 

Time and maturity have made those times fewer and further between, but I don't expect that they will ever stop. He was a good man. I loved him greatly, and I know he loved me also.

 

1979.

 

 

a

[Hedgehog]

It's been 3 years. My feelings don't interfered with my day-to-day activities or moods. I enjoy things. I laugh. But many fun events are slightly shadowed by the thought that Mom would have loved to be here. She loved LOVED her grandchildren. She saw them nearly everyday -- had them over for tea parties or took them shopping or picked them up from school so I wouldn't have to awaken the napping baby . . . .

 

:grouphug: of course you miss her, and wish she was still alive and well. Can I suggest that you may always feel like that, and that it's a good thing? Who would want to forget a well-loved family member who was involved in your daily life?

 

My grandma died 18yrs ago this month, and although we didn't see her as much as we would have liked, she was always interested in what we were doing, and we knew she loved us and we were important to her. How much more so her own children; I know my mother really misses her still and there are times when she just wants to ask my grandma for advice or just be with her again - she was a rock in my mum's life. Yet my mum is mostly positive and enjoys her busy and active life.

 

All that to say - I don't think that what you are feeling is somehow wrong, or abnormal, or anything. I actually think it's really good that you had such a great relationship with your mom, and have such lovely memories. :grouphug:

[Rhonda in TX]

I lost my mom 4 years ago and I go through these same things. And yes, I still cry sometimes. My mom lost her mom when I was only 4 years old. She said she never stopped missing her. I would love to still have my mom and I get jealous and/or wistful when I hear of women in their 60's (or older!) that still have their mom. What a blessing!

 

{{hugs}} Your daughter doesn't understand, and that's very typical for her age.

[Zebra]

If your twinges of grief are not interfering with your ability to live a normal life, then it's ok. If 3 years later, you are still not able to get out of bed everyday because of it, then that would be something to be concerned about.

 

You loved your mom, and the fact that she is gone now is part of who you are. Your daughter just isn't old enough to understand. Hopefully she won't have to understand for a very long time.

 

My dad died a little less than 2 years ago, and just recently a friend of his had a milestone birthday party thrown for him. It shocked me how strong of a "twinge" I had when I saw the pictures. I just thought, "How I wish my dad had that birthday party thrown for him!" I felt jealous, angry and sad all at the same time. It was this very raw feeling, and the intensity of it surprised me. But, I recovered quickly. That is the key, it was just a twinge, I didn't have to go to bed for a week or anything. :grouphug:

 

Don't beat yourself up for losing an important relationship, and sometimes being reminded of that fact.

[Hikin' Mama]

My mom is still with me, but if she were to pass away, I would feel the loss for the rest of my life. She's very important to me and is one of my best friends. I think I would be having the same twinges you are.

 

:grouphug:

[G5052]

Part of grief is indeed wishing that things were different. It can even be over someone who is alive. When my Mom was alive but institutionalized, I have twinges when I heard people talking about how involved the grandparents are with their children. My children really never had grandparents who were involved in their lives. That is grief too, IMHO. Just a different kind.

 

As long as you're functioning, you're fine.

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to all of you.

[DB in NJ]

:grouphug:

 

What you describe sounds normal to me, but I'm not there yet. Mom died in May. Lung cancer. 69 years old.

 

I, too, hear stories of people and their moms - "cancer survivor"; "in her 80's"; "coming for Thanksgiving"; "here for Johnny's graduation".....and it hurts.

 

Also, I have a 16 year old daughter. She's wondering the same thing: will her mom ever be "normal" again? I think it scares our kids when we grieve. They want their happy moms back. You know, the one whose life revolves around her kids. They don't understand that we can grieve for our parents and be happy about their lives at the same time. They just want their routine back; and the routine doesn't include mommy crying because she sees a woman around her mother's age doing something that HER mom should be doing, or hear a song on the radio that reminds her, or pulls out her mother's cookbook and sees her mom's handwriting and the tears come....

 

I honestly think your dd just wants stability. Your tears make her afraid that the stability won't be back. She's wrong. It's there. You're going through a process that she can't understand. I also think it makes them realize that someday, they'll be the ones going through the pain of losing a parent, and it's just too frightening of a thought for them.

 

It's only been 5 months for me. I'll spend the rest of my life missing my mother. She lived here with us; we did everything together. She was a huge part of our lives, and we all miss her. My kids need me to be ok. Sometimes they get their wish; sometimes they don't.

 

My dh lost his dad when he was only 10 years old. He's 47 now and still has his moments.

[lorrainejmc]

I think it's normal to always feel a twinge. My grandmother died 14 yrs ago and I still miss her and wish she could have been here to meet her great grandchildren. Or even another year to see me married. I didn't realize how much she meant to me until she was gone.

 

Not the same but my 8yr old son had major and potentially life threatening surgery at 14 months and, while everyone seems to have forgotten it and have the attitude of "isn't he fine now?" for me it is still there. Although the immediate problem is gone, the scar isn't and the faulty gene isn't. I can accept it but I will never really be over it, I don't think.

[DB in NJ]

It's been 3 years. My feelings don't interfered with my day-to-day activities or moods. I enjoy things. I laugh. But many fun events are slightly shadowed by the thought that Mom would have loved to be here. She loved LOVED her grandchildren. She saw them nearly everyday -- had them over for tea parties or took them shopping or picked them up from school so I wouldn't have to awaken the napping baby . . . .

 

Exactly! My daughter will be graduating high school next year; her Nana won't be there. No graduations, weddings, babies.....none of it.

 

I can't stop crying. For you and for me.

[Mommyfaithe]

I was at a workshop the other day, and I was chatting around the coffee server with a few other ladies. One commented on another's dress and the compliment recipient said it was from her grandmother. A little talk about her grandmother and their relationship followed. Grandmother is a breast cancer survivor, she's 83, etc.

 

I enjoyed the conversation and the friendly group. But I felt a pang, and the thought, unbidden, came: "I wish my mom had been a survivor. 83? Wow. Wouldn't it have been great to have my mom for 17 more years?"

 

That seems kind of normal to me. Does it to you? I didn't cry, and we went back into the workshop. Yada. Yada.

 

They introduced the workshop presenter. In addition to her professional credentials, she is a 3-time cancer survivor.

 

As it happens, this speaker used to work with my mom.

 

Sigh.

 

A couple of weeks ago, something happened that made me think of Mom. Actually, I think of her every day, but this time I said to my dd:

 

"Isn't that just like your Nana? Wow. I wish she were here. I miss her so much."

 

I may have gotten teary. Not weeping. Just wistful.

 

 

And my dd said, "Are you EVER going to be okay?"

 

So . . . that made me think. My dd thinks I'm not "okay." She's a teen and, well, doesn't always see things the way I do, but I thought I'd ask here.

 

Do you all think that my twinges are normal? 3 years later? Will they ever go away, or will I always have ripples of sadness when I think of how much I miss her?

 

To be honest, I'm crying right now as I write this. I haven't cried in months, but I do remember having a little choke in my voice when I was talking to dh about something -- some milestone one of the dc had reached and I wished I could show Mom . . . .

 

I know it's never ever the same when we lose someone so dear -- so integral to our lives. But do you think I'm okay? Or not?

 

I think you sound fine. My mom passed almost a year ago 10/31... And she was 82. She thought we had a great relationship. We had a terrible relationship. She was selfish and very hard on me my entire life...yet neglected my brother and I. When my dad passed away, I had her move close to me knowing full well what I was in for. I said this many times..and will saybit again. My mom was a really nice person. She was a great friend. She was just not a good mom...or a good grandmother. Think going to the snack bar and buying yourself ice cream in fronto of your grand kids and then eating it on front of them...and not getting them one...or even thinking there was an issue....

 

Anyway, all this background to say, I think about and miss my mother every day. I miss my dad terribly too. I was used to him living far away and talking on the phone to him a few times a week, but mom lived 5 miles down the road for 8 years. She was a daily part of our life...as stressful as that part was. I am trying to get through the next week or so without falling apart. I still have my cell phone message box filled with messages from her that I can't bring myself to listen to...or dump. How do you dump your mother's voice??

 

Maybe I am not ok.....:confused:

 

Anyway, I would hope my kids will miss me a little....not enough to wreck their lives, or make them depressed, or get in the way of them living and loving....but a little tearing up, a little memory or a smell, or a thought.....I think thatbis what we have to keep as a person moves on to the next place.

 

I am sorry you lost your mom...and it sucks that she was so young. Dh's mom died from lung cancer at 62 eight years ago. He still misses his mommy. His sister still tears up when we talk about her...or one of the kids ( my dd 13 especially) Looks like her, has her voice and even handwriting....seriously....it is a little disturbing sometimes.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say, I think what you are feeling is very, very normal.

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Faithe.

[littleWMN]

I lost my dad almost 3 years ago and have those feelings too. He was 63. What gets me sometimes is when HIS friends lose their parents and I feel like wow, I could have had him for 20+ more years. I had my son 1 year and two months after he died. He resembles my dad, has a strong personality like my dad, and even has some of the same expressions. It's a "gift" to me, but it's really hard for my mom. I do wish my dad had lived to meet him. I named him after my dad.

[----]

.

[GinaPagnato]

Normal. And human.

 

Your dd is a kid still, and doesn't have the maturity to understand this.

 

:grouphug:

[kewb]

My father has been gone 4 years now and I still want to call him up and tell him stuff. My son's Bar Mitzvah this past March was bittersweet because my dad was not there. Just about every milestone is bittersweet because of this. Sometimes, just having a good day makes me sad. I still have him entered in my cellphone because I can not bring myself to delete his entry. Some days I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. He and I were just finding our way back together to a really good relationship and then he was taken from me. Sometimes I am angry that someone else's parent survived and mine did not.

 

This is your mom you are talking about. You are never okay. You learn to go on. You enjoy life. You live life but that sadness will be with you always.

 

It is normal and human and your teenage daughter thankfully does not have to get it.

[8circles]

:grouphug: I think you're OK. Be patient with yourself. :grouphug::grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:

 

What you describe sounds normal to me, but I'm not there yet. Mom died in May. Lung cancer. 69 years old.

 

I, too, hear stories of people and their moms - "cancer survivor"; "in her 80's"; "coming for Thanksgiving"; "here for Johnny's graduation".....and it hurts.

 

Also, I have a 16 year old daughter. She's wondering the same thing: will her mom ever be "normal" again? I think it scares our kids when we grieve. They want their happy moms back. You know, the one whose life revolves around her kids. They don't understand that we can grieve for our parents and be happy about their lives at the same time. They just want their routine back; and the routine doesn't include mommy crying because she sees a woman around her mother's age doing something that HER mom should be doing, or hear a song on the radio that reminds her, or pulls out her mother's cookbook and sees her mom's handwriting and the tears come....

 

I honestly think your dd just wants stability. Your tears make her afraid that the stability won't be back. She's wrong. It's there. You're going through a process that she can't understand. I also think it makes them realize that someday, they'll be the ones going through the pain of losing a parent, and it's just too frightening of a thought for them.

 

It's only been 5 months for me. I'll spend the rest of my life missing my mother. She lived here with us; we did everything together. She was a huge part of our lives, and we all miss her. My kids need me to be ok. Sometimes they get their wish; sometimes they don't.

 

My dh lost his dad when he was only 10 years old. He's 47 now and still has his moments.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I was thinking of you the other day and wondered how you were doing.

 

My dh lost his dad when he was nine. Dh will be 51 soon. He still gets those twinges.

[Parker Martin]

That's normal. My Dad died before his sixtieth birthday. I often think of how nice it would have been to have him still around in his eighties.

[Joker]

I lost my dad and brother almost 12 years ago and I think you sound completely fine. I think about them at least once a day and wish I could tell them about something that happened or something that reminded me of them. I have a good cry a few times a year (usually on each of their birthdays and the anniversary of their accident). It all sounds normal to me.:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

I know it's never ever the same when we lose someone so dear -- so integral to our lives. But do you think I'm okay? Or not?

 

This is normal. Not functioning, not keeping up, losing capability, that is not normal.

 

I look at the twinges and the regrets and the lying awake missing as simply the flip side of the coin with someone. The other side is the joy, the good memories, the thankfulness you have in ever knowing them at all. I know I spend more of my time looking at the face side, but the flip side will always be there.

 

When my brother, whom I was on perfectly good terms with but did not feel the way I felt about my folks, died, my first thought were for his wife and kids, and my second thought was that I was glad my parents didn't have to live through it. Since his wife and kids seem to be doing just fine, my thoughts are more sadness that one of my parents "works of art" being gone from the earth rather than of frankly missing him.

 

When I feel bummed about them being gone, I "talk" to my father at night as I'm falling asleep, and sometimes to my mother, but for her, I write letters to her and I also "hear" her giving me advice and pep talks every day. I do something, and I think "Mommy would have said X" in this situation.

 

And since I only lived with them for 16 years of childhood, I marvel at how "imprinting" their actions were, and it makes me strive to be a better mother while I have the chance.

[Nakia]

I can't think of anything more normal. Don't be hard on yourself. You have to grieve the way you grieve.

 

I lost a baby 6 years ago. I still cry sometimes for that baby, and I never even met her. Is that "normal?" Who knows? We all feel things differently.

 

:grouphug: So sorry you lost your mom. Even though my relationship is very strained with my mom, I can't imagine not having her.

[LizzyBee]

I think it's normal. One of my sisters died in 2005, and I still have moments when I wish I could talk to her. After I was diagnosed with leukemia this summer, I started having more of those moments, and sometimes I still cry a little bit because I can't call her or email her.

[Aubrey]

It's been 3 years. My feelings don't interfered with my day-to-day activities or moods. I enjoy things. I laugh. But many fun events are slightly shadowed by the thought that Mom would have loved to be here. She loved LOVED her grandchildren. She saw them nearly everyday -- had them over for tea parties or took them shopping or picked them up from school so I wouldn't have to awaken the napping baby . . . .

 

I think this is *entirely* normal. I wouldn't hesitate to talk to someone if you want to, but it sounds like you've lost a parent. Three years shouldn't be enough time to *forget.* And remembering...will probably often bring a small twinge, at least.

 

I lost my dad at 49yo in 2005. He died about a week after his bday. Last year was the first year that that week didn't cause me to completely shut down. This year was ok, too. (His bday was 9/11, so it's just passed.)

 

Other than that, it's just little things that make me think of him, like you described, and we weren't nearly as close as you & your mom, I don't think.

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

What you've described sounds perfectly normal to me, and if it's not, I guess I must be a little nuts, too, because I can totally relate to the way you feel.

[justamouse]

:grouphug:

 

I lost my grandmother, who practically raised me, when I was 8. I'm kissing 40 and I STILL cry. I ALWAYS think of her in regards to how much she would have loved my kids and how much fun she would have had with them.

 

I think it's perfectly normal for you to cry for your mom after three years. :grouphug:

[Cassy]

My mother died three and a half years ago, hit by a car while crossing the road, aged 77. I still think about her everyday with great longing.

 

This morning we found out DS10 had passed a fairly important exam (11+ to enable him to attend our local grammar school, which is the best in the county) and I so wished she was here to share that news with.

 

She'd lived a couple of hours away and just before her death we'd been arranging for her to move to our town, I still think, every time I walk to the shops, how much she'd have loved living here, how much she missed out on.

 

My father died when I was 8, and I still have that same longing with regard to him; a deep, deep sadness for what might have been.

 

:grouphug: to you, you may always feel sad about what happened to your mother, but the pain will fade.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[newlifemom]

My twin brother died almost 30 yrs ago. I think of him almost/if not every day. Not in a morbid way. Heck, most of the time it is not even in a sad way. When you think about it, I only had 14 years with him. However, all that to say, no I do not think it is odd. She was your mother. People react differently. If you find yourself not able to get out of bed, or letting yourself go, or have no interest in your day to day life, well maybe then you need to look into it. I see nothing wrong or concerning with the events you described.

 

 

:grouphug: I'm not even close to my mom and I cannot imagine losing her.

[sparrow]

:grouphug: Very normal. I'm experiencing similar grief, but different because my mom is still alive.

 

I'm losing my mom, as in, she has dementia and our relationship has changed. I'm envious of friends that still have a relationship with their parents that isn't based on care giving. I started crying in a restaurant a few weeks ago, out of the blue, because I miss my mom SO much, yet she's still here. I don't think there will ever come a day when I won't miss her. She was my best friend.

 

Be gentle with yourself.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Happens to me all the time Tanya. :grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

My best friend died of IBC 2 years ago at the age of 42. I still grieve for her. Not every day, and not in a way that hinders my life, but I don't think a week goes by that I don't think of her, something she said, something she'd find hilarious, or something we did together that still makes me laugh. It comes in waves. I think that's normal.

 

And, this was your mother, so the bond was (I'm assuming) very close. I don't think 3 years means you should be "over it" and never feel the pang of this loss.

 

:grouphug:

[Halftime Hope]

The day we dropped my dd off at college three hours away, I bawled like a baby early in the day (not in front of dd), not because we were dropping her off (I had been getting teary about that for weeks ahead of time) but because it suddenly dawned on me in the late morning, that if my MIL had been alive, she would have gone with us to drop B off. She absolutely loved adventure--and this was a Grand Adventure--and she woudn't have missed it for the world.

 

She also loved learning things and was a fan of the "gee whiz factoid": any interesting fact was a cause of wonderment and delight for her. : ) As I go through my days, I often think to myself that she would have loved to hear about x or y.

 

She has been gone now almost 5 years, and I still get misty when I think of both my ILs--they died within 6 mos. of each other. My parents are still living, but I imagine that will be doubly hard....I have a much younger brother, but no one else remembers the childhood I remember.

 

I think you're OK.

[JessReplanted]

What you are dealing with is normal. I haven't lost a parent, but my stepdaughter has estranged herself from our family. It has been two years and 9 months since we have seen her. The grief I feel is often experienced in waves, and the smallest little thing can spark a memory and bring me to a place of deep sorrow. I see it as a reminder that I once again need to share this grief with God, hand over my sadness and worry, and invite Him to work in this.

[*********]

It sounds to me like you're just going through the normal process of grieving. Don't forget that it wasn't your DDs mom, so she won't feel the same - their relationship was different.

 

I think it's very important to give yourself space and time to grieve and say goodbye to someone you've lost. And everyone is so different in how they deal with these things, anyway. :grouphug:

 

How long has it been since your mom passed away?

 

ETA- sorry, I missed that you said 3yrs. IMO that's not much time.

 

I agree with Hedgehog. 3 years isn't that long. Be patient with yourself.

 

My dh lost his mother a year and a half ago. He's struggling. Occassionally, a conversation like we had this morning will happen:

 

Me: 'Dh, I think I want a griddle for my birthday.'

Dh: 'Oh, do you mean one of those pans that plugs in, and has a knob that you turn to make it hot?'

Me: 'Well, they do make those, but I was thinking a cast iron one that goes on...'

Dh: ''Cause my mom used to have one like that. But she's dead now.'

Me: :001_huh:

 

So no, I don't think you're stuck. I think you miss your mom, and that's perfectly ok.

[gardenmom5]

I think it sounds like normal panges. Is your mother the first "major" loss for you? I think that can also have an affect.

 

My father died 35 years ago, and it was devestating to me. The process went on for a number of years where I would burst into inconsoleable tears at the drop of a hat. My mother died almost two years ago. (my parents seemed to like holidays - my father on father's day, and my mother just before christmas.) Although I saw and interacted with her frequently, the grief upon her death was nothing like my father's death. However, I still have pangs on occassion - especially when in a situation that I normally would have been interacting with her, or watch other's interact with their mothers.

 

You're normal - your dd is young and lacks experience with true grief.

[Ellie]

It's normal. Sad, but normal.

 

My mother passed away 13 years ago (she was only 64), and I miss her all the time. I cry on her birthday. I can't do Mother's Day at church. My mil missed her mother, who had been gone 50 years when we last talked about it.

 

So, yeah, it's normal. Sad, but normal. And it's not a bad thng, 'cuz it means you loved your mother. You're supposed to love your mother.

 

:grouphug:

[ereks mom]

I was at a workshop the other day, and I was chatting around the coffee server with a few other ladies. One commented on another's dress and the compliment recipient said it was from her grandmother. A little talk about her grandmother and their relationship followed. Grandmother is a breast cancer survivor, she's 83, etc.

 

I enjoyed the conversation and the friendly group. But I felt a pang, and the thought, unbidden, came: "I wish my mom had been a survivor. 83? Wow. Wouldn't it have been great to have my mom for 17 more years?"

 

That seems kind of normal to me. Does it to you? I didn't cry, and we went back into the workshop. Yada. Yada.

 

They introduced the workshop presenter. In addition to her professional credentials, she is a 3-time cancer survivor.

 

As it happens, this speaker used to work with my mom.

 

Sigh.

 

A couple of weeks ago, something happened that made me think of Mom. Actually, I think of her every day, but this time I said to my dd:

 

"Isn't that just like your Nana? Wow. I wish she were here. I miss her so much."

 

I may have gotten teary. Not weeping. Just wistful.

 

 

And my dd said, "Are you EVER going to be okay?"

 

So . . . that made me think. My dd thinks I'm not "okay." She's a teen and, well, doesn't always see things the way I do, but I thought I'd ask here.

 

Do you all think that my twinges are normal? 3 years later? Will they ever go away, or will I always have ripples of sadness when I think of how much I miss her?

 

To be honest, I'm crying right now as I write this. I haven't cried in months, but I do remember having a little choke in my voice when I was talking to dh about something -- some milestone one of the dc had reached and I wished I could show Mom . . . .

 

I know it's never ever the same when we lose someone so dear -- so integral to our lives. But do you think I'm okay? Or not?

 

I think it's completely normal. My dad died almost 10 years ago (November 2001), and there are still days when I get those twinges and get choked up and/or cry. Heck, I still get choked up thinking about my cat who died almost 2 years ago (December 2009). Your grief is an integral part of who you are, and no one grieves exactly the same way as someone else. It does get easier, and the weepy times get further and further apart--for me, anyway. But normal is what's normal for YOU. ((((Tanya))))

[Heatherwith4]

:grouphug: Yes, of course you're totally normal. I would have been like your DD up until 3 months ago when my FIL died. Now I understand that you're not ever the same. You shouldn't be. You lost someone very important to you. If you were non-functional, then I would say get help. But it sounds to me like you're just going through the grieving process.

[LBS]

Five and a half years since I lost my mom. Seven since I lost my dad. Mama missed him so badly, that I was able to console myself, knowing they were together again.

 

When I smell her brand of powder or perfume, it no longer feels like she's right here. I don't keep thinking I just saw Daddy go around the corner of the house, working on the yard.

 

I cry and feel pitiful and lonely, sometimes. Finally got husband and daughter to understand, that they just need to hold me, cry with me, or whatever, just that I needed to cry. I still cry easily. I have regrets, but not sure there was any way to fix the problems, while she was living. Out of my control.

 

Sometimes I resent my parents-in-law. No good reason, just aware of being peeved that they get to live and my parents did not? Very small and stupid of me. I do care for my parents-in-law deeply. Just, miss my parents. Wish I could talk to them again, ask them questions, show them things.

 

Hugs and love to you all who miss your parents. Its hard. I'm thankful every day I had wonderful ones. Amazing parents, who I am proud of. I talk about them more sometimes, telling people about them. That helps.

[Virg]

I think it is normal, esp if you were close (which it sounds like you were!) My mom died a few years ago when I was 24 and my kids were 5. We all miss her so much. She loved my boys to death. There are still days I cry. I think if you can function than you are "okay." When my mom was dying she told me that she was so sorry for me because she had never "gotten over" her mom dying and she didn't think it was something you ever "get over." :( Her mom had died on my parents' wedding day 25 years earlier and she was still very sad about it. As long as life is going on I don't think you need to worry if you miss the way the past was at times.

[kalanamak]

My parents are still living, but I imagine that will be doubly hard....I have a much younger brother, but no one else remembers the childhood I remember.

.

 

Yes. When my father died, it was his mother, dead since 1943, I thought of. I thought "your last work on earth is gone". We have the romantic sense that as long as anyone lives who remembers, it is somehow still there.

 

Does anyone remember that lovely scene in Do'des-ka-den where the man gives the suicidal man a (fake) poison, and then reminds him that when he is gone his dead wife will be gone, too, and the suicidal man starts screaming for an antidote?

 

And then I think of Epicurus line about death being meaningless, as when we are, it has not come, and when it has come we are not.

 

And then I think of how it all clicks into perspective via this poem of Hopkins:

http://www.bartleby.com/122/31.html

[Sahamamama]

You will always miss her. Always. This is normal. You already are "okay."

 

As for the daughter, I would say something to her about her insensitivity-- "When you lose me, when will you be over it?" As for the twinges, isn't it worth something that your ongoing life has its own way of including your mother in it? In a way, the twinges are the times you think of her, remember her, weave her into your fabric, want to share with her. True, she isn't "there" for you to share with her in person, but there is a part of you that lives that moment through the prism of your lifelong relationship.

 

I know a woman whose husband died many years ago, after they had been married for at least 50 years (she's 87 now). She said to me, "You know, every year when I file my tax return, I am a nervous wreck, but I do it. Then I say, 'John, I did it! You would be so proud of me!' And I think I hear him say, 'Well done, Mary.'" She doesn't go around talking to him all the time, I know she doesn't; she is emotionally healthy.

 

This older woman and I were at the cemetery (for a mutual friend's funeral) when she said this, and I was helping her to walk over to her husband's grave site. He is buried in the same place, I remember the day, the soldier playing "Taps." She didn't talk to him there, just stopped by because she was there already.

 

I love what she shared, though, somehow it helped me to see how we can powerfully hold onto our loved one's memory, even laugh with them over life's little triumphs or adversities. You know what your mom would appreciate or find interesting, that's why you think of her at those moments.

 

I think it's perfectly normal to let our ongoing lives "weave" the other (departed) person back into our thoughts and actions at times. Most cultures and people down through time have looked back more than forward. It's human.

 

My mother lost her parents 20 years ago. She recently informed me that she thinks of her parents more now than she did even 10 or 15 years ago. "Back then, I was grieving, but I was so busy working and putting you all through college that I didn't stop to think too much. Now that I'm where they were, 76, now that I'm headed where they are, I think about them more than I did back then. I understand them better than I did back then."

 

When will your mother ever not be a part of who you are and how you view life? :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

I was at a workshop the other day, and I was chatting around the coffee server with a few other ladies. One commented on another's dress and the compliment recipient said it was from her grandmother. A little talk about her grandmother and their relationship followed. Grandmother is a breast cancer survivor, she's 83, etc.

 

I enjoyed the conversation and the friendly group. But I felt a pang, and the thought, unbidden, came: "I wish my mom had been a survivor. 83? Wow. Wouldn't it have been great to have my mom for 17 more years?"

 

That seems kind of normal to me. Does it to you? I didn't cry, and we went back into the workshop. Yada. Yada.

 

They introduced the workshop presenter. In addition to her professional credentials, she is a 3-time cancer survivor.

 

As it happens, this speaker used to work with my mom.

 

Sigh.

 

A couple of weeks ago, something happened that made me think of Mom. Actually, I think of her every day, but this time I said to my dd:

 

"Isn't that just like your Nana? Wow. I wish she were here. I miss her so much."

 

I may have gotten teary. Not weeping. Just wistful.

 

 

And my dd said, "Are you EVER going to be okay?"

 

So . . . that made me think. My dd thinks I'm not "okay." She's a teen and, well, doesn't always see things the way I do, but I thought I'd ask here.

 

Do you all think that my twinges are normal? 3 years later? Will they ever go away, or will I always have ripples of sadness when I think of how much I miss her?

 

To be honest, I'm crying right now as I write this. I haven't cried in months, but I do remember having a little choke in my voice when I was talking to dh about something -- some milestone one of the dc had reached and I wished I could show Mom . . . .

 

I know it's never ever the same when we lose someone so dear -- so integral to our lives. But do you think I'm okay? Or not?

Oh my gosh. YES, it is very normal. My Mom has been gone 7 years, and I still think of her every day. Once in awhile I will tear up, like the day last summer I was buying my daughter luggage to go on a college trip. I stood there and saw like yesterday when my Mom proudly presented a set of luggage to me in 1977.

 

This is very, very, very normal and will go on for the rest of your life, at lengthening intervals, or just when something particularly reminds you of her.

 

I'm very "experienced", I'm sad to say, in grief, having lost all of my relatives, including siblings, except for one remaining brother.

 

You talk about them now and then, when something reminds you and then you go on.

 

My daughter gets it more and more, as she gets older. She will be me in the blink of an eye, so I try to get her to appreciate every moment, but you know teens.

[TranquilMind]

My father has been gone 4 years now and I still want to call him up and tell him stuff. My son's Bar Mitzvah this past March was bittersweet because my dad was not there. Just about every milestone is bittersweet because of this. Sometimes, just having a good day makes me sad. I still have him entered in my cellphone because I can not bring myself to delete his entry. Some days I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. He and I were just finding our way back together to a really good relationship and then he was taken from me. Sometimes I am angry that someone else's parent survived and mine did not.

 

This is your mom you are talking about. You are never okay. You learn to go on. You enjoy life. You live life but that sadness will be with you always.

 

It is normal and human and your teenage daughter thankfully does not have to get it.

I still have my Mom's voice on my answering machine, singing Happy Birthday to me, on the last birthday of mine that she was alive. She left me a message that day.

 

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face hearing all of the grief on this thread, and being right there with all of you. I'm fine, but it never goes away.

 

And regularly, even today, I want to tell my Mom some great thing my kid did, but I can't and I hope she knows anyway.

[KidsHappen]

My mom passed away suddenly three and a half years ago. I am not normally a weepy or emotional person, much more stoic and reserved but I do still occassionally get teary eyed. I just recently watched the episode of Grey's Anatomy where Merideth's mother passes away and I bawled. That scene didn't bother me at all the first time through because my mother was still alive then and while I could sympathize, I couldn't empathize. So it changes the way you experience things that you have already done before. Sometimes songs or stories take on new meanings. You notice things that you never noticed before. It's normal and while it may happen less frquently in the future, there will always be times. :grouphug:

[Little Nyssa]

Maybe DD needs to learn that grownups can be sad sometimes because they miss someone, and still be OK.

 

I lost my mom 4 years ago. I think what you have is normal twinges. And, when I have those, I like to share, because I want Mom (and my grandparents, and anyone I have known) not to be forgotten. My own parents rarely spoke about their grandparents, and I wish I knew something about them. Stories and memories like these are treasures to pass on to the next generation. :grouphug: