Joanne Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Well, maybe not ok. I made a choice from a few choices; none of them ideal. I'm letting my oldest son move into his Dad's. I stand firmly behind my decision to fight that for ages 11- 15. I needed to protect him from daily life as it would have been. But 16? I think he's ready to make some decisions and respond to the consequences that come with it. We all know that the "grass is greener" effect is exaggerated with teens. The decision has nothing to do with me or my xh. It was really his age/developmental stage and the fact that the school he'd be in where is Dad lives is much, much better than the school was was in last year after the foreclosure. The mediator was supportive. The other side really had no case, and I was totally willing to allow mediation to fail and go to the arbitrator. An arbitrator would likely look at the case and come down in my favor (as have all the legal professionals involved). I had a list of essentials should he move. With one exception, they were met or exceeded. I think this is because the other side knew they didn't have room to argue/negotiate. Since the divorce, I have not been able to claim any of the 3 on taxes; I know claim the youngest starting this year. Not only is child support not lowered, it is *increased* and I don't have to pay any towards the son who is moving. I get all 3 every 1, 3, and 5 weekend, and xh has to drive both ways. He gets all 3 every 2 and 4th weekend, I have to drive. I gain wekends with all 3; he loses time. He no longer gets them for 6 weeks in the summer; we each get them for 5. There's more, but that's the main part. I am sad. Deeply sad in my gut in a way I can't express. But I think that I made the right decision when all things are considered; a decision that is best all around, even if it is not the best for my pride. I haven't seen the child all day, and I'm at work now. I'm afraid I am going to melt down crying when I see him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Does he want to move to his dad's? I assume son since he is 16? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Okay, his moving out is a couple years earlier and not as expected. But it will be okay. :grouphug: Go ahead and mourn the loss. There truly is a mourning period for things like this. We are here to talk if you need us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbemom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Keep talking.. every counsellor needs a counsellor. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Does he want to move to his dad's? I assume son since he is 16? He does. Sometimes. And sometimes not. His Dad, being who/what he is, capitalized on a moment of teen anger. I've been expecting it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I haven't been on here lately because I've been in my own "mourning mode." But I just had to come on here and tell you it will be okay. Go ahead and let yourself be sad for a while. Everyone will adjust and life goes on. It will all work out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: Sometimes the best of the bad choices is all we can do...and it doesn't feel good. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogMom5 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 This must have been a difficult decision. You did the right thing by honoring your son's request. Letting him go will be very hard. :grouphug: You and your son are in my prayers. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Oh, Joanne...it will all come out in the wash. As you well know. The mature thing doesn't always feel like the right thing, does it? Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: Edited July 27, 2011 by WordGirl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beach Mom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Sounds like you made a gut wrenching decision to honor your nearing adult age son's choices. That's what a loving Mom does (within reason) and that will serve you well in your long term relationship with him. Doesn't make it easy though. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I'm sorry. I hope that ds will come to see the truth about ex, and appreciate what you've done for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomemom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: and more prayers!!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Praying for you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 What a tough decision. This has been one long never-ending battle, it seems, and maybe this will help things cool down a bit too.:grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Leigh Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Aw, you're going through so much! A cry is totally acceptable right now! Major hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
classics4us Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah C. Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Sounds like you made a gut wrenching decision to honor your nearing adult age son's choices. That's what a loving Mom does (within reason) and that will serve you well in your long term relationship with him. Doesn't make it easy though.:grouphug::grouphug: My sister just went through a similar situation. Prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: When it rains, it pours. Praying for all of you. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: My dsd went to live with her mother at 16. It was really hard to let her go, but it was ok. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue in WI Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry you're suffering. It's clear you're trying to do the best by your children. Anyone can see that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: and :( I'm sorry he's moving, but I hope and think that all will be good in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. I really feel for you. I will pray that your son is safe from damage from Mr. Narcisism. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 He does. Sometimes. And sometimes not. His Dad, being who/what he is, capitalized on a moment of teen anger. I've been expecting it. I think you should also expect that this son will also realize that the grass truly ISN'T greener on the other side. I just spent the evening with a SWEET friend who's son is back with her after 1.5 months. While that may not happen to your ds, reality WILL set in, whether he admits it or not. I'm sorry for your extremely difficult life situations, Joanne. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Does your ds have the option of moving back in with you should it not work out well with his dad? Teens do often have the "grass is greener" mentality, but they also tend to pick up on posturing fairly quickly. I imagine that your ds will see through any "false advertisement" his dad has been putting on pretty quickly. I don't know how it all works with mediation and family courts. I hope ds retains the right to choose to move back in with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Does your ds have the option of moving back in with you should it not work out well with his dad? Teens do often have the "grass is greener" mentality, but they also tend to pick up on posturing fairly quickly. I imagine that your ds will see through any "false advertisement" his dad has been putting on pretty quickly. I don't know how it all works with mediation and family courts. I hope ds retains the right to choose to move back in with you. I'd have to offer notice of mediation, and schedule one. XH would be required to attend. If mediation didn't work, we agreed to binding arbitration. (Takes a lot less time and money than Family Court). I just told the family. I told Andrew that I will not, ever, do what has been done for all these years. I will not create secrets, plans, coerce or manipulate him. If, however, he does want to move back, he just has to tell me. I told him he's welcome to approach me anytime but I will not approach him. I made sure they understood that no matter what their Dad said, his wife said, or their step-siblings said, this was NOTHING against me or Adrian. I told them the truth; it was about Andrew's age and desire combined with it is a better educational setting. I handled it well (except for what I called the step siblings :lol: ) In any case, I then went to the bedroom and cried unlike any cry I've ever had. Being a mom has been the center of my universe, my being, my core, my priorities for 16 years. I should *not* be losing a son to the man who abdicated daily parenting for the 10 years he had the opporunity to chose differently. And I should NOT be losing my son to a family dynamic of lies, cheating, manipulation, and superficiality. My life is a psalm. Without the justice wrap up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 It's trite and a stupidly useless thing to say, but--I am sorry. If your life is a psalm, then may I offer up some imprecatory prayers on your behalf? (King David has provided many fine examples.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace'smom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Joanne, I know about those gut-wrenching cries over children. I think you are providing a strong and beautiful, grace-filled example. You are living in truth and light. I know it's so, so hard, Sweetie. There aren't enough lovely words or heartfelt hugs to give you. Pls know I draw strength from your quiet example. Taking the long view with our children--sucks. "All will be well, and all manner of things will be well." Juiian of Norwich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amydavis Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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