Would you send your child to high school for their emotional health?

[Michelle in AL]

Dd 15 wants to go to the local public school so she can be around other people. She feels confined at home and is happier in a group of people. She says she is happy homeschooling but feels the need to be around others more and that that need is creating an unhealthy relationship between us. She frequently acts annoyed being around me, and has a slight attitude when I have to get on her to get her work done, otherwise we have a very close relationship.

 

Our local school is just OK. First it's in Alabama, enough said. It has a couple good teachers and the rest are just there. There are a lot of potheads and beach bums and a few really good kids.

 

Normally I wouldn't consider such a request unless she was in deep dispair, but I just started working 2 days a week and I can't tell you how good it's made me feel to be around other people. It definitely has had a positive effect on me and I can see her point.

 

The difference is, before I went to work I only saw other adults for 2hrs on Sunday and an occasional lunch with friends. Dd is in 2 youth bands, goes to youth group twice a week plus church, has 2 outside homeschool classes of about 16 kids, goes out with friends about 3 times a week, usually one being a sleep over. I would think she would get her social needs met in this way.

 

Would you consider sending her to school for this reason?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly? No.

[Starr]

It sounds like she wants to be with peers all the time. I wouldn't send her for socialization and I wouldn't put up with her being a pill at home. If teens can't be nice at home I keep them home more. It works here. :001_smile:

[mom2bee]

I'm sorry, but just reading the heading/title of this post made me laugh a little.

{I don't feel qualified to add a serious piece of advise to this thread. So, I'll just be leaving now...}

[StephanieZ]

Honestly, when I was reading your post. . . I was thinking, well, how about a class or two, or a job, or a volunteer thing. . . then I got to the part where you list how much outside stuff she does!!

 

Wow!

 

Nah, I wouldn't do it for that reason. Frankly, she'd probably find she doesn't have as much social time in school as she does now!

 

I'd consider her opinion, seriously, but. . . I wouldn't jump on saying yes.

[Starr]

Honestly, when I was reading your post. . . I was thinking, well, how about a class or two, or a job, or a volunteer thing. . . then I got to the part where you list how much outside stuff she does!!

 

Wow!

 

Nah, I wouldn't do it for that reason. Frankly, she'd probably find she doesn't have as much social time in school as she does now!

 

I'd consider her opinion, seriously, but. . . I wouldn't jump on saying yes.

 

This was said better than my first post. She sounds plenty busy now. School really might not give her the flexibility she's used to. At some point most kids think that school looks better than home. Usually it passes. :grouphug:

[Sophia]

I wouldn't send my very social ds to public school, but I would look into learning/service opportunities for him to be around peers.

 

Things we have done: Speech and Debate club 1xweek, Scouts 1xweek, Veritas (local co-op) last year 1xweek, church worship team 2xmonth, and other informal activities.

 

I've come to believe that serious extroverts like my ds and dh can become mildly depressed if they aren't around people enough.

eta: oops...just saw she is in other stuff! Nah, that looks like enough, I wouldn't add more.

[Michelle in AL]

I'm sorry, but just reading the heading/title of this post made me laugh a little.

 

I know it sounds funny, but I really didn't realize how much I needed to be around others until I went to work. I realized I might not have been as emotionally healthy for my family as a result and I don't want to pass that on to my children, so for me her emotional health is important. I do think her social needs should be met as much as she's out of the house.

[OnTheBrink]

I can't think of a worse place to send a kid for mental health! :lol:

 

But seriously, no.

[Peek a Boo]

If teens can't be nice at home I keep them home more.

 

 

ayup.

 

I tell my guys that if they can't prove they can behave respectfully to ME then i won't trust them to behave respectfully to anyone else either, and they will stay home. So they are great at home and great with other people in Scouts, church, 4-H, co-op classes, city events, hanging w/ friends, etc.

 

Do work on the relationship, but i wouldn't even have school on the table. Too many negative social aspects that will spill over to the home.

[QueenCat]

8th and 9th grade in ps nearly destroyed my older son's emotional health, so no, I wouldn't... I found ways to build it back up, and healthier ways to meet his social needs.

[AuntieM]

I know it sounds funny, but I really didn't realize how much I needed to be around others until I went to work. I realized I might not have been as emotionally healthy for my family as a result and I don't want to pass that on to my children, so for me her emotional health is important. I do think her social needs should be met as much as she's out of the house.

 

I completely understand what you are saying, seeing that first hand for myself. But I do not believe the local public school will be the best way to meet that need. Too much emphasis on non-academics (for many, many of the kids, I mean) and too much pressure for not merely socialization, but sexualization.

[Koerarmoca]

Nope, School is not really a social outlet IMO. You are their to learn. The work load of normal classes + all the homework that comes with highschool she may not have time to do all the fun things she does now.

[Miss Sherry]

Dd 15 wants to go to the local public school so she can be around other people. She feels confined at home and is happier in a group of people. She says she is happy homeschooling but feels the need to be around others more and that that need is creating an unhealthy relationship between us. She frequently acts annoyed being around me, and has a slight attitude when I have to get on her to get her work done, otherwise we have a very close relationship.

 

Our local school is just OK. First it's in Alabama, enough said. It has a couple good teachers and the rest are just there. There are a lot of potheads and beach bums and a few really good kids.

 

Normally I wouldn't consider such a request unless she was in deep dispair, but I just started working 2 days a week and I can't tell you how good it's made me feel to be around other people. It definitely has had a positive effect on me and I can see her point.

 

The difference is, before I went to work I only saw other adults for 2hrs on Sunday and an occasional lunch with friends. Dd is in 2 youth bands, goes to youth group twice a week plus church, has 2 outside homeschool classes of about 16 kids, goes out with friends about 3 times a week, usually one being a sleep over. I would think she would get her social needs met in this way.

 

Would you consider sending her to school for this reason?

No, I wouldn't. She already has a busy social schedule. If she is so peer oriented that the busy schedule she already has is not enough social time than in my opinion, being at school every day for hours would NOT be a good thing. I think she would totally lose her focus academically.

 

Actually, I would consider telling her to improve her attitude or I would be cutting out some of her social time.

[Rebecca VA]

Yes, I'm considering doing that very thing. My 14-year-old has already visited at the private school her older brother went to. We probably won't pursue that route (too far away), but there is a magnet school she can apply to in our county. It only takes 16% of applicants, but I think she has a chance. She'll apply next year if she's still interested.

 

However, the *only* reason I'm considering public school is because of the magnet school. I don't think she would get her academic needs met at our neighborhood high school.

 

My daughter has always wanted to go to school. She just seems to need that stimulation. She's out of the house every day doing ballet, choir, and other activities, but that isn't enough. When she visited at the private school recently, she came home so charged up and happy. I've told her that *if* she can get into the magnet school she can go; she's now under pressure to prepare herself for the entrance tests and interviews. She knows that if she doesn't make the cut she'll stay home. It won't harm her to stay home, but she'd prefer to be a "real teen" and go to school.

Edited March 22, 2011 by Rebecca VA

[elegantlion]

Honestly, when I was reading your post. . . I was thinking, well, how about a class or two, or a job, or a volunteer thing. . . then I got to the part where you list how much outside stuff she does!!

 

Wow!

 

Nah, I wouldn't do it for that reason. Frankly, she'd probably find she doesn't have as much social time in school as she does now!

 

I'd consider her opinion, seriously, but. . . I wouldn't jump on saying yes.

 

:iagree: How much will public school eat into her current social schedule? Is she willing to put up with fact homework might eat up her free time? What about the school itself, will they allow her to enter at current grade level?

 

Honestly, my answer would be no. Perhaps adding a part time job or volunteer position (something outside the church) might fill her need.

[creekland]

Dd 15 wants to go to the local public school so she can be around other people. She feels confined at home and is happier in a group of people. She says she is happy homeschooling but feels the need to be around others more and that that need is creating an unhealthy relationship between us. She frequently acts annoyed being around me, and has a slight attitude when I have to get on her to get her work done, otherwise we have a very close relationship.

 

Our local school is just OK. First it's in Alabama, enough said. It has a couple good teachers and the rest are just there. There are a lot of potheads and beach bums and a few really good kids.

 

Normally I wouldn't consider such a request unless she was in deep dispair, but I just started working 2 days a week and I can't tell you how good it's made me feel to be around other people. It definitely has had a positive effect on me and I can see her point.

 

The difference is, before I went to work I only saw other adults for 2hrs on Sunday and an occasional lunch with friends. Dd is in 2 youth bands, goes to youth group twice a week plus church, has 2 outside homeschool classes of about 16 kids, goes out with friends about 3 times a week, usually one being a sleep over. I would think she would get her social needs met in this way.

 

Would you consider sending her to school for this reason?

 

We did send my youngest to ps for 9th grade for this reason, though he was suicidal and depressed otherwise. It has been a good change for him in that aspect. However, his academics aren't as good there, so our compromise was doing more here (afterschooling). Afterschooling isn't going as well as I thought it would, so it's going to be more like summer school I think. Either that or I need to "get over" the need for higher academics for him and feel the trade off is worth it for his sanity. Time will tell.

 

Incidentally, he figured out school wasn't everything he thought it would be in less than 2 weeks, but he hasn't wanted to return to homeschooling (mainly because school means much less academic work).

[Joyofsixreboot]

I would consider it w/ behavior and grade provisos. I am one of those people who needs people constantly to feel charged. I'm not sure where she falls on that continuum.

[bettyandbob]

If school were the only outlet for healthy peer interaction then yes I would. School can be a place for healthy peer interaction, but it sound like you've sought out activities that serve that purpose. So, if I were in your situation I'd do some serious review before I considered it.

 

--what's missing from her activities, should she drop some activities and try new ones, what exactly is the school going to provide that the activities do not and can you replicate it else where. Are there problems in the activities she's in that you are not aware of. Not all homeschool programming is as picture perfect as it seems, I've seen bullying and serious queen bee behavior. If you only have 20 kids to interact with and over the years you've become the outcast of the group it can be quite painful. Sometimes being in a larger group you are able to find the group of kids who share you interests better than in a small group.

 

These are the same questions I'd look into if I were sending a child for academic reasons.

[MIch elle]

After homeschooling my dc for 11 yrs, I sent them to school. One of the reasons for sending them to school was for their emotional health (and mine too). Depression can be serious.

[freethinkermama]

I would consider it w/ behavior and grade provisos. I am one of those people who needs people constantly to feel charged. I'm not sure where she falls on that continuum.

:iagree:

 

Just reading your title made me think this.

 

If it was honestly going to be a better thing for her emotionally. YES!

However, it was not going to be a reaction to her being a snot at home :)

[Peela]

It was an issue here and I put it off for a year but then couldnt postpone it any longer. Both kids are out of the house now during the day, although dd16 has gone to college rather than highschool.

She also had a very full social life while homeschooling- similar to the OP's dd- but it did get to the point where she needed to move into the world.

My son was the same- but for him the motivation more came from me not being able to teach him any more as he was resistant. I kind of pushed him into highschool! He is doing well there though.

 

I don't know the answer but I think for some kids, yes, it should be considered seriously. Mine are both very social and very competent socially- both are flat out busy now balancing study and social lives- but that is how they want it and really they are young adults. Keeping them home would have been unhealthy in our case. As it was, the last year was hard- they didn't want to be at home with me all day, even though we are close, and even though they had plenty of social life. And I was hanging onto them and the whole homeschooling thing when they needed to go and interact more with other people. Everyone is much happier this year, and thriving with the stimulation (except me who is thriving with the peace!).

[unsinkable]

You listed a bunch of social stuff. Plus it looks like she has an older sister.

 

Wouldn't she have to give up some of the stuff she is doing NOW to go to school? She might end up with less time for social stuff.

[Chris in VA]

No, I would seek some other ways to fill her social needs.

Being around a negative peer group is more damaging than being at home, period.

 

Like a PP, I'd try to get to the bottom of what is bugging her. If it really is peer interaction, then I might add something to her mix (offering her choices, helping her take the lead, but not necessarily finding her something to do, since she's older and needs to feel more input). Could it be she wants new friends? Could she want someone other than you to interact with re school work? Could it be a desire to be seen as "normal?" (If she currently interacts with a lot of non-homeschooled kids, this could be part of it.)

 

I think the answer will be easier to find once you get to the root of it all.

[NanceXToo]

You know, it's hard for me to say exactly because I'm not in this position yet. My daughter is only 10 1/2 and in fifth grade, and she went to public school from K through most of 3. I pulled her out at the end of third grade and started homeschooling her.

 

I've always thought that middle school was pretty horrid but that when the high school years came, I would take into account several things.

 

1) Whether I still wanted to/still felt comfortable with homeschooling her, and that's something I figured I had to (and will still have to) play by ear

 

2) Whether she wanted to go back to school. If she did want to go back to school at that point, I've always said I'd take her feelings into consideration.

 

I think it will largely depend on the state of the school AND the state of the kid. If you've got a kid who is an older teen who you have a good relationship with, who seems to have a good head on his or her shoulders, and who you don't really have a reason not to trust, then maybe it's time to let them out of that bubble and let them give school a shot if that's really what they want to do.

 

It doesn't have to be permanent. If you decide, "You know what? This looks like it's going in the wrong direction"- you can pull her out again.

 

If she decides, "You know what? This isn't what I thought it would be and I don't like it"- you can pull her out again.

 

At 15 you don't have all that long before she might be saying "See ya later, Mom, I'm off to college." I mean, what, 2-3 years? If you can't let her get her feet wet in high school because you're afraid to, how will you ever feel comfortable watching her go off to college, or her own apartment, or whatever the case may be?

 

She's definitely old enough to have a say in this, and only you know if she's responsible enough to give it a fair shot, and either way, you need to keep an eye on the situation... but again, there's always room for both of you to change your mind and go back to the way things are.

 

So, I see I'm in the minority here but I think I would let her give it a try.

[GinaPagnato]

Doesn't sound like she's depressed at all; she's got friends, takes classes, and has lots of peer-time.

Sounds like she's being a hormonal 15 year old girl, who thinks the grass is greener, and wants to show you by having an attitude that she's unhappy. I wouldn't send her, since the school has more potheads and beachbums than I'd be comfortable with. :tongue_smilie:

 

Tell her to simmer down, be thankful for all she has, and watch her attitude or she'll soon be losing privileges.

[Pretty in Pink]

I really do place a high value on socializing, especially for older kids and adults. I know that those emotional needs are important. It's great that you recognize that, OP.

 

That said, your daughter already has an active social life. I would not consider PS for socialization purporses in that situation.

[ereks mom]

Honestly, when I was reading your post. . . I was thinking, well, how about a class or two, or a job, or a volunteer thing. . . then I got to the part where you list how much outside stuff she does!!

 

Wow!

 

Nah, I wouldn't do it for that reason. Frankly, she'd probably find she doesn't have as much social time in school as she does now!

 

I'd consider her opinion, seriously, but. . . I wouldn't jump on saying yes.

 

:iagree:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Honestly? No.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[unsinkable]

I just wanted to add there are probably MANY girls IN school now who have no where near the opportunities your DD has right now.

[Beth in OH]

I know it sounds funny, but I really didn't realize how much I needed to be around others until I went to work. I realized I might not have been as emotionally healthy for my family as a result and I don't want to pass that on to my children, so for me her emotional health is important. I do think her social needs should be met as much as she's out of the house.

 

Our experience was that for us (our temperaments and life circumstances) homeschooling became isolating in an unhealthy way. We let our dds go to high school on different paths, trying to make the best of balancing each girl's emotional/social needs, academic strength of available high schools, and long term goals. One returned as a part time public school student, the second returned full-time in her junior year, the third returned full-time her freshman year and then went to boarding school her sophomore year. It turned out to be a good choice in all three situations--probably because each dd was trying to find her own way.

[JessieC]

I would let her go. My philosophy is that we will homeschool until either one of us no longer wants to. I don't want to homeschool someone against his/her will.

[lionfamily1999]

I'd go for a part-time job instead. Education should be educational, but just like you she can find working (and co-workers) very fulfilling.

[Haiku]

Would you consider sending her to school for this reason?

 

No. My dd16 is in public school and also plays on a sports team, so she spends 80%+ of her time away from home, with other kids. When she is home she pretty much just complains how bored she is and how much she wants to go to a friend's/have a friend over.

 

You only get one shot at your kid's education. I put mine in school because it was absolutely necessary for our family. But I wouldn't send my kid to an "ok" school just because the (perfectly reasonable, imo) amount of social time she is getting isn't enough for her. Honestly, based on my memories and my experiences with my dd, the more kids of that age hang with other kids, the more they think they need to.

 

Tara

[Lady Florida.]

If you've got a kid who is an older teen who you have a good relationship with, who seems to have a good head on his or her shoulders, and who you don't really have a reason not to trust, then maybe it's time to let them out of that bubble and let them give school a shot if that's really what they want to do.

 

It doesn't have to be permanent. If you decide, "You know what? This looks like it's going in the wrong direction"- you can pull her out again.

 

If she decides, "You know what? This isn't what I thought it would be and I don't like it"- you can pull her out again.

 

At 15 you don't have all that long before she might be saying "See ya later, Mom, I'm off to college." I mean, what, 2-3 years? If you can't let her get her feet wet in high school because you're afraid to, how will you ever feel comfortable watching her go off to college, or her own apartment, or whatever the case may be?

 

She's definitely old enough to have a say in this, and only you know if she's responsible enough to give it a fair shot, and either way, you need to keep an eye on the situation... but again, there's always room for both of you to change your mind and go back to the way things are.

 

So, I see I'm in the minority here but I think I would let her give it a try.

 

As I was reading through the replies and mentally composing my reply, this is pretty much what I would have said. You've already seen how being out of the house helped you, and you recognize that it could be good for her. If it doesn't work out, it's not an irreversible decision.

 

That said, I hope I never have to make that decision myself. Currently my answer would be no, since ds would be in middle school and NO WAY would I send him to middle school. But in a few years, if he asks, I hope I can graciously let him go.

[Hoggirl]

I would let her go. My philosophy is that we will homeschool until either one of us no longer wants to. I don't want to homeschool someone against his/her will.

 

My ds started school in January. I did not want to send him. But, he was clear that he did not want to stay home for high school, and dh supported him in that. Could we have forced him to stay at home? I suppose so, but dh was not going to do that. (I would have! :D). So far, it has been a good decision. My ds says he feels our relationship is better, and I can tell that it is. He is much more agreeable and much more receptive to what I have to say.

 

I was able to accept this because he went into a smallish charter school. Dh and I would not have been so willing had the the ENORMOUS local public high school (there would have been at least 1,000 - probably more - in his class) been our only option. I also would not have sent him in middle school/junior high. Too brutal.

 

There is more to be learned in life than academics. There are some things the school does better than I could, and there are some things I could do better at home. But, overall, so far, this has been a good decision.

 

Now, I am bored out of my mind, lacking purpose, floundering about, down in the dumps, etc. But ds is doing well.

[SailorMom]

My older DS (now 14) started 8th grade at the beginning of the school year, after 6 years of being homescholled, at his request.

I was willing to homeschool him all the way through high school, and am hs-ing younger ds all the way through.

He had a number of reasons- many were social, some were not. We had told him back in 3rd grade that after 7th grade, if he really wanted to go back, we would consider it.

I made it clear that we expected perfect behavior and grades (understanding if he got in a very difficult class that I expected his full effort). If he did not fulfill this side of the bargain, he would be pulled out again.

So far so good. :)

I think after a certain age, it is somewhat their decision and their lives. DS is a very different person than me, and has needs that I can't necesarrily relate to- I also don't think that PS High School is the end of the world (we do have the luck of living in a decent school system).

It is all very personal.... Your DS is getting to an age where she is responsible for her life and her choices - hard to hold them back from that.

[JessieC]

There is more to be learned in life than academics. There are some things the school does better than I could, and there are some things I could do better at home. But, overall, so far, this has been a good decision.

 

Now, I am bored out of my mind, lacking purpose, floundering about, down in the dumps, etc. But ds is doing well.

 

I think it's great that you put his needs before your own!

[FloridaLisa]

No, especially if the high school was just "ok" academically. I would, however, make an effort to put together more social outlets for dd -- a book club, outside classes, friends over at the house, a twice a month high school girls night out, volunteer work, extracurriculars at the high school, etc.

 

HTH,

Lisa

[Danestress]

I think sometimes we have to let our young adults make their own decisions, or at least we have to carefully consider their input. And sometimes 15 year olds are not great at arguing their cases, so I would ask a lot of questions, and try to really listen to what she is saying.

 

You know your daughter better than I do. If she goes to school, is she likely to work hard to make good grades? Is she likely to sign up for the harder classes? Is she likely to succeed academically in that environment? I have one child who I think would work harder in a school environment because he is very competitive and probably would work hard. He may not be able to articulate that - he might just say, "I want to be around other people." But I think part of wanting to be around other people might, for him, be wanting a more competitive academic environment.

 

So I am not going to say that "Yes, I would send my child to school for more friend," but I will say that I would listen to my child and take his perspective into consideration. I would, at the very least, go to the school and make an appointment with an academic advisor so that I could hear what the school might have to offer.

[missmoe]

Honestly, when I was reading your post. . . I was thinking, well, how about a class or two, or a job, or a volunteer thing. . . then I got to the part where you list how much outside stuff she does!!

 

Wow!

 

Nah, I wouldn't do it for that reason. Frankly, she'd probably find she doesn't have as much social time in school as she does now!

 

I'd consider her opinion, seriously, but. . . I wouldn't jump on saying yes.

 

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. There is no way going to school would provide more social time for her.

[JadeOrchidSong]

Honestly, when I was reading your post. . . I was thinking, well, how about a class or two, or a job, or a volunteer thing. . . then I got to the part where you list how much outside stuff she does!!

 

Wow!

 

Nah, I wouldn't do it for that reason. Frankly, she'd probably find she doesn't have as much social time in school as she does now!

 

I'd consider her opinion, seriously, but. . . I wouldn't jump on saying yes.

 

I think she has more than enough social things going already. I agree that sending her to school would take away her social time because school is structured and is not for hanging out with friends. She may feel more confined because of it.

[Michelle in AL]

Thanks all for the honest replies.

 

Dd also has a part time job.

 

This is just hard for me. Next fall I'll be working 2 12 hr shifts a week and be going to school online full time, so her going to school might be better for both of us, it's just hard to let her go, especially when her reason is I get annoyed being around you so much. Today's my birthday and that's not the best gift to hear. :confused:

[Haiku]

her reason is I get annoyed being around you so much.

 

FWIW, my dd16 who goes to school gets annoyed around me too.

 

Tara

[Michelle in AL]

FWIW, my dd16 who goes to school gets annoyed around me too.

 

Thanks Tara, you know they're supposed to turn around and be nice, loving people around 16. That's what everyone told me. My oldest was a pill at 15 and turned the corner around 16. I'm hoping I only have a yr of this!

[Starr]

Going to school isn't going to make the attitude go away I fear. I would look at the education balance as a big part of my decision since you say the schools are only ok. She really has plenty of interaction with others now so it's just a switch to school friends instead of home schooled friends. Will she be able to keep her job?

[Mary in VA]

Going to school isn't going to make the attitude go away I fear. I would look at the education balance as a big part of my decision since you say the schools are only ok. She really has plenty of interaction with others now so it's just a switch to school friends instead of home schooled friends. Will she be able to keep her job?

 

:iagree: I have a 16 yo dd and the attitude goes with the age, homeschooled or not, :001_smile: but has been getting better this year. Went through the same thing with my now 20 yo dd. From what I've observed of public schoolers they have attitude to spare. I don't think ps will make it better. And from what you've listed, your dd has plenty of activities AND flexibility. She would probably lose the flexibility and free time by going to a bricks and mortar school.

 

Tough decision. :grouphug:

Mary

Edited March 23, 2011 by Mary in VA

[Peela]

I think she has more than enough social things going already. I agree that sending her to school would take away her social time because school is structured and is not for hanging out with friends. She may feel more confined because of it.

 

I must say this is what has happened to my son. He has less free social life and significantly less personal free time. However being surrounded by kids all day is fulfilling something anyway, as is the stimulation of various teachers and class discussions.

[ondreeuh]

Yes. This is a big reason why my dd is in high school. She was willing to homeschool for 8th grade (since middle school is sort of a throwaway here) but she always planned on going back for high school. She thrives while learning with others.

[DawnM]

I might.

 

Question: Are there other choices besides the local public high school? I have told my kids that they are allowed to go to high school if they choose, but they are not allowed to go to the local public high school. I have a number of reasons for this, none of which are academic. They are allowed to choose a charter school, a magnet program, or even the two or three private part time schools offered for high school homeschoolers in the area.

 

I am the one who is social in our family. I miss being around people all day. I quit work 6 years ago now to stay home and homeschool and I still struggle being home sometimes.

 

Dawn