How often do you receive help from your extended family?

[Celia]

I don't get any help (none of my family lives around here), and lately I've been having a bit of a pity party about it! I find myself a bit jealous of my friends who have so much help from their families in taking care of their kids. I love hs'ing, and I love having my kids around so much, but sometimes, it just feels overwhelming to be needed so constantly. I rarely finish a thought, never mind a task, without inturruption! I think it's doing my head in! I'm actually contemplating hiring a sitter for a few hours a week to get some alone time in.

 

So I know that there are other moms out there like me. Not everyone has a bunch of family support. I'm just curious what the average is out there!

[Parrothead]

With the exception of the occasional visit I've never had help of extended family. My parents are 1600+ miles away.

[Mommyfaithe]

We very rarely had any help from extended family when my older kids were little. My sil and I would take the others kids in an emergency, but we were both in the same boat much of the time. My parents never helped with my kids...ever. My dh's parents would babysit on an occasion (our anniversary) or something like that.

 

now, my kids and my niece help me with my little ones when I need them to. My fil has also been pitching in by taking ds to swim practice once a week along with my nephews.

 

So, really, the only help we get with our kids is from our adult kids.

 

Faithe

[GoVanGogh]

I moved out when I was sixteen, married at eighteen and promptly moved 600+ miles from all family. DH and I have been on our own for 24 years now, with no financial or physical support from family. I prefer it that way - no strings. :D

[Celia]

Thanks ladies! I feel better already!

[justamouse]

Mostly never.

 

And I can't wait to be a gramma so I can change that for MY kids.

[MariannNOVA]

I asked this question approx 14 mos ago and I was surprised at the answers -- but it does not seem (at this point) to be different than it was then...........there is no help from extended family here. End of story.:glare:

[cjbeach]

I sometimes get whiney about this because we have never had help.We lived around the corner from ILs and they didn't help. Now that we are 15 hours away by car we never see them either. They claim my SIL burnt them out with the help they had to give with her dd.

Now I'm at the "You do what you have to do" stage in my life. When I get whiney, I get over it. I do what I have to. It's always me and the kids (dh works a ton). I always have 3 kids in tow. Do what I have to.

Though I think my eyes start to twitch when I hear friends say they just *have* to give their kids to their ILs/Parents for the weekend so they can have some alone time. LOL. Never had that. Don't know what it's like.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My kids are older now, but I still remember those years. My own family is across the country so they could not help. I chose not to let my ILs help until my kids were at least 6 years old because MIL chose to ignore their food allergies ("It's ice cream. . . that's not milk!") and did absolutely no baby proofing with glass tables etc. that were just not kid safe.

[Paige]

You can count me in. Although, it really doesn't bother me not to have the help. I actually think it would make me crazy to have my extended family so involved in our daily lives. I prefer to see them for two weeks every other year or so and leave it at that.

 

I agree with all of this. I love my family and like visiting with them but I do not usually enjoy "help." I think I'd rather hire a babysitter than have anyone's mom come over. Maybe it is because when we do get help once or twice a year when they come for visits, it means they have to live with us for a week or so.

[6packofun]

Never. The only time my mom has babysat my kids was when I had a miscarriage.

 

BUT, our family has helped us in other ways over the years so I can't complain that they didn't help in the way *I* appreciate most. :)

[Spryte]

Once in a while, my mother will come and babysit while DH and I go out to dinner. Okay... maybe once a year? Hmmm, seems like we are due about now. :)

 

On daily help - no, although there are times it would be so nice!

 

However, when my kiddo was 15 mos, I was completely disabled. Bed-bound, and in a very difficult treatment program for several years. My mother and MIL alternated living in with us for weeks at a time. My stepmom did a ton of freezer cooking. So I've had more than my share of help, and feel grateful every day, for being blessed with 3 wonderful, giving mothers. ...And I am grateful every day that I can walk again, and HS, and [gasp] I am even grateful that I can do laundry!

[snickelfritz]

There honestly wasn't a good choice, so I didn't vote. We get help about once a month, if you averaged it. But it would be available more. My parents are retired, but 2 hours away. They take the girls for a week at a time, probably twice a year. I've traveled with dh for business, traveled with dh for fun, and painted the house. They came when I had wisdom teeth out, etc...

 

Dh's family is nearby, but not as available. One of them might take the girls, for date night, every other month or so. BUT, they could be there if something important came up.

 

These helps have been important for us.

[ktwensel]

We are under the "rarely" category and I go through bouts when it really bothers me. My mom and stepdad both died the year before I got married and never got to see my daughter and son. I have no other family - living except my bio-dad who just came back into my life when dd was born. My MIL just has no interest in doing a lot of things with the kids. It has always been an issue for me because my mom and I were close and I know how much she would have loved being a grandma. My girlfriend and her mom are always doing things together with the kids (she homeschools too) and it hurts a little.

[JoyfulMama]

Help on a regular basis, no. If my parents are visiting, they are more than happy to take a child somewhere, or take a list and cash and go grocery shopping, or stay with the kids while dh and I go out for a meeting or fun. They have even scheduled visits to us around something we had going on, when they have been able to.

Dh's father doesn't seem to be comfortable with the kids for too many hours, or on a regular basis, so we try to respect that.

 

However, when dh was in the hospital a couple weeks ago, his parents were here the next day, ready to cook, clean, carpool, grocery shop, and care for the kids, me, and dh. They jumped in with both feet, and their big hearts.

[abbeyej]

My family is helpful when they visit. And the kids have gone to "Grandma Camp" twice. But I've never lived near family or had any regular help.

[Denise in Florida]

I did not live anywhere near my family or dh's family when my girls were younger. I said 'never' as far as help with the kids.

 

However, my mom (when she was alive) was very supportive of homeschooling and acted as a great sounding board. She and my dad went to homeschool conventions in their state and she would send me fun stuff she found for the kids. I miss her.

[bluemongoose]

I decided to be generous to my family and voted a few times a year. My family lives 1 hour away. The help I get is when we go for a visit. One of them might offer to help a kid to the restroom or to get them a drink etc. A couple of times a year my sister will babysit for me.

 

This is actually a bit of a sore subject for me because my these are the only grandkids and my parents never want to come here. They often offer to watch them for us, but only if we pack up everything needed to come over there. They dont understand that the toys, beds, music to sleep by, potty chairs, cribs etc are here, and it takes us a lot more to pack all this up to come to them than it does for them to come over here. Not to mention there is nothing to do by where they live, so then (say DH and I wanted to do a date night) we would still have to drive even further after dropping the kids off. Their excuse is the drive is far and the gas is high. Um...the trip is the same distance for us, and we cannot fit in a small (less gas guzzling) car. Dont get me wrong, I dont mind visits with them at their place, it is just that any offer to "help" is not really helpful after packing up and driving over there.

 

:grouphug: I know it is hard!

[ScoutTN]

My MIL kept my babies/toddlers one day a week for years so that I could work and run errands. Now that we're past that stage, I call upon her and /or my FIL to babysit once a month or so. They would do more if I asked, without a doubt. My mom and stepfather can stay with DD easily but DS is more of a challenge for them, esp. physically.

 

Plus DD goes to spend the night with them or with cousins about once every other month. she spends the night with my mom about three times a month. And while it sort of is babysitting, that is not really the intent or purpose of the overnight visits.

[Tarreymere]

My mom died when I was a young adult, and she wasn't a person you wanted to be around much to begin with. My dad never was able to remember the names of all of my kids, and most of them he only saw once or twice in their lives. He died last year. MIL has dementia and has been in a nursing home since before DH and I met. FIL has a new wife and is too busy to see us more than once every couple years or so, and last time he was here he stayed about four hours.

 

I AM the matriarch of my own extended family. But that means I get my daughter's kids along with my own younger ones. My youngest is only three. It is nice to have such a big family since my own family of origin was so, well, not exactly friendly. But I do get burnt out with babysitting, especially since so often they do take advantage of me. I have one daughter that will bring her two year old over in his morning diaper, and just laugh and say she hasn't changed him yet (and he is still in the clothes he was wearing the day before). A couple of them will drop their kids off with no shoes or no diapers or no wipes or no formula. Sometimes the kids are filthy. Sometimes the parents don't come back until several hours past the time they promised to come back, and sometimes not until the next day. One of my granddaughters, age five, is so extremely rude I really don't even want her around my kids and her mother gets angry with ME when I report to her what her child says and does. Three of the adult kids are horrible housekeepers and indifferent mothers, it is very depressing.

[Woodhaven]

No help here. I do it alone. Dh works alot. We can't take chances on him getting laid off again, so I encourage him to do what he needs to do.

 

We've had so many changes in our lives in the last year, that I feel very stressed some days and want a break like never before. But I just keep on doing what needs to be done. I love my kids and don't want to give them up to someone else for most of the day every day!

 

We have lost our network of friends and are working on making new ones. Most of our friends were all homeschoolers, so they already had their hands full. But at least we had good friends.

 

I think it would do me good to carve out an hour or even 30 minutes in the morning for myself and for a "quiet" with God before the kids get up. But the moment I get up, so does everyone else!

 

Understanding how you feel, here.

[Carrie12345]

I voted "a few times a year".

When my 12yo was a baby, my younger sisters helped me out a lot.

When I had 3 kids 5 and under, I actually had too much help from extended family! We lived in the same town as my aunt, cousins, and grandparents, and a comfortable driving distance from my inlaws, who would "surprise" us by coming to take the kids.

 

Now we live farther away. Much of the time, I'm glad. When I find myself in a real pinch, it stinks!

[LazyDazy]

We only get help when we drive 20 hours back home AND then take the kids to whomever decides they want to see the kids. Sometimes our families are too busy to take the time to see us when we come visit (does that count?). This is of course after my dear mother died. She was fabulous with the kids and helping with them. We absolutely loved that woman!

[kokotg]

My mom lives 5 minutes away, but she never offers to take the kids. I ask every 2 or 3 months, on average, and she'll watch them for a few hours while DH and I go out to eat or Christmas shopping or whatever. I vacillate between being really sad about it and trying to be grateful that at least I have someone there who will help out when I really need it. Mostly, I just can't understand not wanting to spend more time with your grandkids. When they do go over there, she puts a video on for them for the whole time.

[Lightly Salted]

never - DH's parents are 2 hours away and nearing 80

 

My Mom is 11 hours away and has Alzheimer's at age 60

[Kim in Appalachia]

We live 9 hrs aways from my folks, and 12 from both my dh's father and mother. If we lived closer, all of them would be willing to help some. My MIL works full time and has an erratic schedule, so it would be hard, but she would love to be able to watch the kids if she was available. My parents and my dh's father are all retired and would love more time with their grandkids.

[Wheres Toto]

We're doing okay with help right now. My mother just stopped working full time this past summer so she's much more available now. She lives about 10 minutes away and has been sitting my younger two a lot recently. Oldest dd is learning to drive and I won't take her out on the highway with my younger ones in the car (not in NJ rush hour traffic going 70mph :scared:) so she watches them for an hour each afternoon while dd drives to dance. DH and I go out to dinner alone about once a month but oldest dd babysits then.

 

MIL takes ds for a week at a time a couple times a year. She's about 3 hours away. She won't take youngest dd yet.

[Brenda in FL]

:grouphug: The ages of your children right now can make things challenging when you don't have a support network. We lived near family when my kids were those ages and it was very, very helpful. Now we've moved away - and I miss the help, but its much easier as the kids get older.

 

Do you have a MOPS group nearby? If so and if you haven't tried it out, I encourage you to go! It doesn't matter that your oldest is already school age. The other moms you meet, the mentors, and speakers can really help keep a mom sane!! And be a lifeline for those moms that are really in need of (emotional) help.

 

I think your idea of finding a sitter to come on a weekly basis is a great idea!! Also finding a friend with kids the same age and trading off kids once a week can give you some me time once every two weeks.

 

Hang in there!! Talk to your husband - let him know that you need some time and help from the kids. You can even have a weeknight where the two of you take turns watching the kids while the other gets a kid-free night. When we used to do this, I'd even use it for staying home and getting out my sewing machine, knowing I didn't have to bathe anyone or put anyone to sleep! Try to set up time for just the two of you as well - have a date night at home once the kids are put to bed. Even though they aren't home all day with little ones, they also are going through an adjustment period.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[tabrizia]

8+ hours a week here. It isn't every week, but probably 3 out of 4 weeks a month and sometimes 4 out of 4 weeks, my in-laws take either DD or DS for the day. DH takes them with him and drops them off on his way to work, so they leave around 7am, and then has dinner at his parents and stays to visit for awhile and then he and which ever small one they took that week head home and arrive home between 9 and 10pm.

 

Plus my in-laws will also watch both of them at least 1 to 2 Sundays a month for 4 to 5 hours so DH and I can clean without "help". Once I get closer to my due date, like starting around a month before my in-laws will come over and watch the small ones when I go to my midwife appointments or drive me there if I don't feel like driving since I am at the end stages of pregnancy, and once we hit 2 weeks out they will be over 2 to 3 days a week for a few hours as needed. Once the baby is here they will also be over or take the other two small ones so that I can have some down time.

 

They also baby sit for us at other times as needed, like if DH and I want to go out to dinner for our birthdays or anniversary or we need them to watch the small ones because we have a commitment in the evening or even during the day. It is really nice since my FIL is retired and my MIL has been a housewife for the last upteen years, so they are available to help as needed.

 

That being said, the taking the small ones just started again this fall, my mother in law had a heart attack almost 2 years ago and I had a lot less help when she recovering from it.

 

My mother will also help all she can, but since she lives 600 miles away and works full time, it is harder for her to help. She will likely take the two older ones down on a flight with her twice this summer though and I will follow a few days later with newbie. And my parents are happy to babysit whenever we are down to visit so DH and I can go out alone. My Mom will also spend a week up here after newbie is born helping out after DH goes back to work.

 

So yeah I have a lot of help and I appreciate every minute of it. It is nice to have family around that enjoys helping. I don't expect any help, but I really appreciate that my in-laws and parents are happy to provide it. I do try not to take advantage of it, and when the small ones are under 1, they don't tend to be out of my sight for long. It is really nice once they are slightly older though.

[springmama]

Never. No one lives near us. I do have fabulous friends who step up and help in a pinch, but it sure would be nice to have all the perks that come with living near family- family birthday parties, sleepovers at grandmas, playtime with cousins. I can't tell you how much it bothers me that my kids don't have that.

[gingersmom]

Mostly never.

 

And I can't wait to be a gramma so I can change that for MY kids.

 

:iagree:

[Mommyfaithe]

Mostly never.

 

And I can't wait to be a gramma so I can change that for MY kids.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I owe my oldest dd big time!!!! :D

[Peela]

We never had any help whatsoever. My family are on the other side of Australia. Dh's mother lives nearby but she has a mentally disabled daughter who has become more difficult as time goes on....MIL is always exhausted- she is in her 70s and SIL is 50. MIL actually apologised to me the other day for not being much of a grandmother to my two kids (she had more time and energy with her oldest grandkids because SIL used to work in a sheltered workshop and was less obstroperous when younger)- but we never held anything against her for it.

 

In a way....dh and I have always felt its a good thing and not a problem. We used family day care (day care in a woman's home, maximum 4 kids) to take breaks and we never really have had to deal with family issues because we haven't had much to do with either of our families.

[ElizabethB]

The grandparents on both sides are great! Unfortunately, we have never lived near them. They help out when they come visit or we visit.

 

I did not vote, my results would be skewed, it depends and it would be different if we lived closer.

 

They do help even from afar, though. My Mom and MIL both came for 2 weeks (a month total) after my knee surgery, it is hard to watch a toddler when you can't walk. They did great, but they both had to rest up for a while afterwards, they both agreed that it was good that God did not allow 60 year old women to have babies. They also came out to help for deployments. Now that the Grandpas are both retired, they come out sometimes, too.

 

We have our 20 year college reunion coming up and we have one set of grandparents lined up to come watch the kids and the second set on standby.

 

:grouphug:

[swimmermom3]

My parents and my sister and her family only live a couple of miles from us. It took me a while to realize when my kids were younger that my mom was okay with babies but that she is really not comfortable with children. "They are boring." Once I figured that out, I would only ask for help when I had run out of every other option.

 

Fortunately, when we built our home 17 years ago, the first neighbor we met were our dear friends that live two houses up from us. They are about 10 years older than us and had two delightful daughters ages 12 and 14 that became our babysitters. They also had lost their young teenage son to cancer the year prior to our meeting. I would like to think that it has been a joy for both sides through the years. If I am in a pinch and need to have a kid picked up from the pool, I am more likely to call them than my parents. Things have come full circle and my dd now babysits for their first granddaughter. Of course, I think she is the most perfect baby I have ever seen, maybe even past my own.:D

 

Sorry about the verb tenses. One eye on the clock for the next carpool round.

[Dawn in OH]

My mom took the older two kids for a week when my third was born.

 

She took the older two kids for 4 days when the youngest was born, and took the third for about 2 days (he wore her out).

 

Once every 2-3 months she will take the older 2 kids overnight for a night, sometimes two.

 

She watches the older 3 for a day while we do the Christmas shopping.

 

She will be taking the older three overnight the night before I have my wisdom teeth pulled. In fact, I'm pretty sure she will offer, at the last minute, to keep them an extra night.

 

That's about it. I think she would do more but she works full time and does all the housework. I think she's exhausted on the weekends and having the kids in a big yard and in a house that isn't child-proofed is not something to do when you are exhausted.

[ilovemy6kids]

Not very often. In fact I am having a c section on wednesday and I have no one to watch my kids. My inlaws told us yesterday that they were going to be too tired that day.

[Sherry in OH]

My mother watches my children when we visit her or she visits us - 2 to 3 times a year. She would love to help more, but we live a day's drive away.

MIL helps maybe once or twice a year, if we ask, and if she doesn't have anything else she'd rather do. She makes such a production about being asked that we rarely do.

[Harriet Vane]

I am unbelievably lucky in terms of child care. My dear mil willingly takes my kids each and every time I ask. She also is very proactive in offering to take them and spend time with them. If I didn't have dh's parents, dh's sister is willing as well.

[Mom22ns]

My mom used to come once a month and spend a weekend with us (she lived 200 miles away). While she was here, she helped lots and even let dh and I go for a date one night during each visit. She died 7 years ago. My in-laws are only an hour away, but they let us drop the kids off once every couple of years. I call that no help. Sometimes I want to have pity parties too, but what I found helped the most when the kids were little was finding another family in the same situation. I had a friend who was in the same situation and whenever we needed help we called each other and did babysitting on exchange.

[staceyobu]

I voted a few times a year, but that is only like once every few years... so pretty much no help whatsoever. I think it sucks, personally.

[Pretty in Pink]

We're military and live far from family. I've never really had any help from my extended family with my children. Even when I left my first husband and moved back in with my mother she was so obviously nonplussed to have us around that I had a job and my own place within three weeks!

 

I love my children, I love homeschooling, but I was really unhappy after several years without a break. It's one of the reasons I went back to school. I just needed something different, something that didn't involve my children, and mostly I just needed some time to myself. They go to a mix of babysitter and daycare ~ 14 hours per week at this point. It's working out well.

[littlebug42]

I voted every couple of weeks but honestly the answer is that I have help whenever I need it. My mother, sister, brother and SIL, MIL and BIL all live within 15 minutes and we are all close. The kids spend the night with each Grandma at least once a month and I have never needed help that wasn't there. In 9 years, we have never needed a babysitter outside our family.

 

When I was pregnant with dd2, it was an extremely difficult pregnancy that required me to be hospitalized 3 times and periods where I could barely function. MIL used up a bunch of her sick leave before she retired to care for Sweet pea while dh was at work so I could rest. I don't know what I would have done without her. My family is all close and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Renee in NC]

I sometimes get whiney about this because we have never had help.We lived around the corner from ILs and they didn't help. Now that we are 15 hours away by car we never see them either. They claim my SIL burnt them out with the help they had to give with her dd.

Now I'm at the "You do what you have to do" stage in my life. When I get whiney, I get over it. I do what I have to. It's always me and the kids (dh works a ton). I always have 3 kids in tow. Do what I have to.

Though I think my eyes start to twitch when I hear friends say they just *have* to give their kids to their ILs/Parents for the weekend so they can have some alone time. LOL. Never had that. Don't know what it's like.

 

My aunt and my mother help me out when they can, but there are no weekends at Grandma's going on here and she lives right down the road!:lol: I had almost zero help with kids when they were all young, but I have more now that they are mostly older. We will give up alot of that when we go back to NC, but there are some good things there, too.

[Mrs Mungo]

I voted never. BUT, that's not EXACTLY 100% true. My mom flew out to help me move from VA when we were moving to Germany and hubby had to go to a school in between. And my sister came and stayed with the kids when DH and I went on vacation. So, that's basically twice in 17 years.

[Outdoorsy Type]

I voted for a couple times a month if you add both parents and inlaws, but we try to help them at least as much.

 

Dh will give up his spare time to help with whatever needs done, and we are often the ones to pick up the mail when they are gone or whatever. Right now I have half of their belongings stored in my attic.

 

Every family get together is at my house now because my parents are living in a much smaller place. I don't work and my house is big enough for the whole family, so I am it.

 

So I feel that I get help, but I do a whole lot of helping too.

 

When I was pregnant and I needed a weekly babysitter I paid out the nose to put my kids in Mothers Day Out so that I could take a break or go to the Dr. I try to be as independent as possible. I have to say I don't like feeling like I owe people, but I love to help out.

[linders]

My mom, in excellent health, "raised her kids" and has never once, for a minute, babysat or otherwise helped. This was when she lived 2 hours away, and now when she lives far away and comes for a week each year.

[Daisy]

Never. We have no family in this state.

[ChristusG]

My parents live right around the corner from us (along with my two younger sisters who are 17 and 26). I ask my parents to watch the kids when I have a doctor/dentist appointment. But I rarely ask them at times other than that. However, they invite the kids over often if I haven't had some sort of appointment that week when they have seen them. So my kids usually go to their grandparents house for at least a few hours a week.

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

My mom is across the street from me, but she says she is always working or too tired to help me. My dad might take the boys once every 2 months or so, but never the 2yo. My in-laws all live a distance away, and when they come for visits they never offer to watch the kids.