Single parent stigma question

[JWSJ]

I didn't know how to title this so I'll just throw it out there:

 

A co-worker of mine said his wife will no longer take their son to his baseball practice without him because she's afraid the other parents might think she is a single parent. She believes other parents look down on single parents, especially women.

 

Personally, I (being married and male) don't think about this type of stigma. I thought society had moved away from it decades ago.

 

 

Is this something that women really worry about?

[nono]

Not me!

[Renee in NC]

I generally would never know who was a single parent and who wasn't! And if I did, why would I care?

[cdgni]

My true opinion.. the woman wants an excuse not to go.

There are hundreds of thousands of single parents. I don't think anyone is judging whether or not she's a single parent just because she is at a practice watching her son. Why does she even think that people are thinking about her in the first place? Narcissistic if you ask me.

[Carrie12345]

Um, no.

 

The scenario is so incredibly far fetched for me, it's kind of funny. I know there are a few single moms with kids on ds's baseball team, but I'm unaware of anyone having any sort of opinion on it. And there are *almost never* any couples at practice. Most of us do some version of flipping our spouse for the privilege of staying home, lol. Even for games, many of us tag team or have spouses who work late. I think dh (who, btw, is ds's stepfather!) has taken ds to 2 or 3 practices in the past 2 months, and he's been to 2 games.

 

If I didn't know most of these other women, I'd have no way of knowing whether they were single or married. And, actually, I just found out that one was single b/c she was looking to find someone to pick her son up on the day she had a custody hearing.

 

I did feel a slight stigma when I was a 21yo parent, but I do believe that had more to do with the fact that I still looked like a teenager (and assumed to be single, when I was and when I wasn't).

 

She's being ridiculous. And she might enjoy practice a bit more if she'd get to know the other parents around her.

[lmrich]

That is odd. We have three kids and my dh travels a lot, and I tutor at odd hours. At some extra activites snooty little moms might think my kids are orphans; I work out a carpool to every activity they have. She needs to not to worry about what other people think.

 

And no I am not biased against single mothers - over half the moms I know are single! I am only in awe at their strength.

[springmama]

It never would have occurred to me to make that assumption. I would just assume her husband is at work or busy with the other kids...they way it is with my family sometimes. I don't even wear my wedding ring (outgrew it 5 years ago and never raised the $400 it will take to resize it) so now I wonder if people assume I'm single when I'm out alone with my kids.

 

When I was pregnant with my now two year old, I had a stranger come up to me and ask me if I'm a single mom. Seriously. If looks could kill, that man would not be here today. Who does that?

[AHASRADA]

Unless she truly is narcissistic, paranoid, or trying to get out of going to the games...

 

I think she is just trying to make a point to her husband that she wants him to participate more. I can see myself making this comment, not seriously, but as a "reality check" to dh that he is not playing a role in his son's activities, particularly one where it is more typical for a dad to be involved (baseball). Most likely, there was a misunderstanding of her figurative comment as a literal one.

[TravelingChris]

That is silly about the baseball practice. If that was really the fear, talk to people there and include the statement, "my husband and I ...".

[springmama]

Well, maybe she is trying to get him to be more active. I recently had a wake up call that makes me want to drag the entire family around wherever we go. One family that I've always admired has done this. They go everywhere together as often as they can. It doesn't matter if they are just taking one of their five kids to ball practice, they all go and spend time together. The only time they ever divide is when two kids have to be in different places at the same time. Otherwise they all go to every practice, every game, every event together as a family. Even if only one kid is actually participating in the event and even if they have piles of laundry and/or other work to do at home.

 

I always thought it was kind of inconvenient but thought it was sweet that they do things that way. I send dh out all the time with the kids so I can clean, lesson plan, and get time to myself.

 

Well, about 6 weeks ago their 2 year old was hit by a car and killed.

 

THANK GOD they did everything together or one of them would have missed out on time with her. The other kids are in sports nearly every day of the week and if it was only one parents job to take those kids to sports practices, then the other parent would have missed so much time with that precious baby.

 

I can't believe the quality time I've wasted because I kicked the family out of the house so I can clean. Now, I fit all of my "work" around family time, not the other way around.

[Carrie12345]

Unless she truly is narcissistic, paranoid, or trying to get out of going to the games...

 

I think she is just trying to make a point to her husband that she wants him to participate more. I can see myself making this comment, not seriously, but as a "reality check" to dh that he is not playing a role in his son's activities, particularly one where it is more typical for a dad to be involved (baseball). Most likely, there was a misunderstanding of her figurative comment as a literal one.

 

Ya know, I feel kind of stupid for not thinking of that when I posted a reply, lol. I make joking/snide comments to dh all the time about my frequent "single parenthood". No stigma, just my way of pointing out how much of the load I sometimes feel I'm carrying.

That scenario makes SO much more sense, lol!

[DarlaS]

Well, maybe she is trying to get him to be more active.

 

That was my first thought. A bit of a passive aggressive way to go about it, but maybe she FEELS like a single mom for reasons we cannot know since we don't know her.

 

Oh, and I don't wear a wedding ring either. My pregnancy with dd resulted in them being cut off. I haven't even looked into having them repaired and re sized, but if it's $400 or more, I doubt I'll do it. We didn't even pay that for the set. We paid cash and our wedding rings were very (very) modest.

[Pippen]

My true opinion.. the woman wants an excuse not to go.

.

 

:iagree: I agree that there's something else going on. We have three very active kids and two of the activities we split completely (he does all the 4-H meetings, I attend all marching band). The others I mostly take care of with him pinch hitting when we have conflicts.

[springmama]

That was my first thought. A bit of a passive aggressive way to go about it, but maybe she FEELS like a single mom for reasons we cannot know since we don't know her.

 

Oh, and I don't wear a wedding ring either. My pregnancy with dd resulted in them being cut off. I haven't even looked into having them repaired and re sized, but if it's $400 or more, I doubt I'll do it. We didn't even pay that for the set. We paid cash and our wedding rings were very (very) modest.

 

It depends on the metal. Mine is platinum. Apparently they think people with platinum rings have more money because it's very expensive to have it resized. Gold is not like that at all. If I were you, I'd get an estimate. I really want to wear my rings but I just can't justify spending the money on that instead of swim lessons and co-op classes, kwim?

[emubird]

You know, one does run into weirdos now and then. Even if most people wouldn't assume she was a single parent, there might be a few people out there who would. And who would bother her about it. There might even be a clique of such people.

 

So it is just possible she's run in to something odd. And maybe she'd prefer not to deal with it.

[fivetails]

Weird. I rarely EVER see two parents at activities..why would anyone assume that someone is a single parent just because the other spouse isn't present?

[lllll]

..

[TammyinTN]

Being a military spouse and spending so much time alone...this wouldn't even come across my radar.;)

[angela in ohio]

Unless she truly is narcissistic, paranoid, or trying to get out of going to the games...

 

I think she is just trying to make a point to her husband that she wants him to participate more. I can see myself making this comment, not seriously, but as a "reality check" to dh that he is not playing a role in his son's activities, particularly one where it is more typical for a dad to be involved (baseball). Most likely, there was a misunderstanding of her figurative comment as a literal one.

 

:iagree:

 

It sounds like a backhanded way of telling her dh that she feels like a single parent because he isn't involved with his son's games. Why isn't he going?

[mrbmom77]

Weird. Why would anyone think that? And why would they care if they did? I think pp may be right that she's not being literal.

 

I recently found out most of my church thought I was married and he just didn't come to services. I've been there 5 years and never been married but I guess it's just never come up. I certainly don't have it stamped on my forehead. :)

Now they know. I would hope nobody will treat me any differently.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I didn't know how to title this so I'll just throw it out there:

 

A co-worker of mine said his wife will no longer take their son to his baseball practice without him because she's afraid the other parents might think she is a single parent. She believes other parents look down on single parents, especially women.

 

Personally, I (being married and male) don't think about this type of stigma. I thought society had moved away from it decades ago.

 

 

Is this something that women really worry about?

 

Maybe she is trying to spur him into coming to the practices? I know when I take my dc to practices by myself that often you are approached and talked to by the divorced father or single father or whatever you want to call it. If it is every practice/game, then I understand. We have 4 kids and my dh has made it to some practices and some games. Maybe this is happening to her and she wants the husband present so people know he exists.

[Mejane]

Unless she truly is narcissistic, paranoid, or trying to get out of going to the games...

 

 

 

:iagree: She is either extremely solipsistic, or wants her husband to step up to the plate (pun intended :001_smile:.)

[kmacnchs]

I see where she is coming from (not that I would do that to my son)...I make sure I am always wearing my wedding ring so people don't think I am a teenage mother of my kids (I am young, never wear make up or jewelry, and have young kids (stair-steps)). My husband is young too so when we are out, I want to make sure he is wearing his too. I know I shouldn't care what people think but I do...never thought that made me narcissistic, just insecure...

[PiCO]

Is this something that women really worry about?

 

I've never heard of someone who's not a single parent worrying about this. I only worried about it after I was widowed because I didn't want people thinking I was divorced. (Not that I think getting divorced has to be a bad thing, but my parents' divorce was a bad thing.)

[kalanamak]

 

A co-worker of mine said his wife will no longer take their son to his baseball practice without him because she's afraid the other parents might think she is a single parent. She believes other parents look down on single parents, especially women.

 

Either that woman has some "issue" (social phobia, paranoid, agoraphobia) or kiddo hated baseball and rather than having a he-men-play-baseball fight with dad, she is covering for the poor kid. I suppose a further out, but still possible, guess is that the mom was having a flirtation/affair with some guy there and wants to back away.....perhaps Tre has a brother?

 

That is my guess.

[Nicole M]

Either that woman has some "issue" (social phobia, paranoid, agoraphobia) or kiddo hated baseball and rather than having a he-men-play-baseball fight with dad, she is covering for the poor kid. I suppose a further out, but still possible, guess is that the mom was having a flirtation/affair with some guy there and wants to back away.....perhaps Tre has a brother?

 

That is my guess.

 

I was thinking along these lines, as well. It also occurred to me that she might be desperate to get the dad involved, has tried other mens that did not work, and feels she has no tools to convince him, and is using this passive way of getting him there. If it is true that she is concerned about the stigma of being a single mom, it not so much "out there" as it is simply in this woman's mind. Perhaps this is her way of telling the spouse, "I feel like a single mom because you won't get your a@@ to practices."

[Desert Rat]

I don't worry about it. Many families have more than one child in sports and have to divide duties for evening practice. Doesn't she wear a wedding ring? That's usually a good indication of her marriage status. I think your co-worker's wife just wants company at the ball field.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I see where she is coming from (not that I would do that to my son)...I make sure I am always wearing my wedding ring so people don't think I am a teenage mother of my kids (I am young, never wear make up or jewelry, and have young kids (stair-steps)). My husband is young too so when we are out, I want to make sure he is wearing his too. I know I shouldn't care what people think but I do...never thought that made me narcissistic, just insecure...

 

We've been married for 17 years. Neither of us wear a wedding ring. I've been hit on a couple of times but when I said I was married, they said, "That's ok!" I just laughed and said, "No." I trust my dh too. Everyone who knows us even a little bit knows that we are married.

[EKS]

This doesn't make any sense to me. In our area it is essentially *always* the moms who take the kids to practice. This is because the practices occur in the afternoon when the dads are still at work. Even at the games, there are always moms there without the dads. I'd say that at least half of the moms are unaccompanied.

[Daisy]

Okay, I'm going to be honest.

 

Yes, I do think there is a stigma against single divorced parents, especially within *some* circles.

 

But in this situation, I lean more towards this women just wanting her husband to be involved more, and this was her excuse.

[LibraryLover]

She could wear a wedding ring. ;)

[Just Robyn]

We've been married for 17 years. Neither of us wear a wedding ring. I've been hit on a couple of times but when I said I was married, they said, "That's ok!" I just laughed and said, "No." I trust my dh too. Everyone who knows us even a little bit knows that we are married.

 

Haha! Okay, OT, but that's exactly the reaction I have gotten!

 

boy "Do you have a boyfriend?"

me "I'm married."

boy "I don't mind!"

 

Okay, back OT, I agree with the pp that "insecure" is a nicer word than "narcissistic" if she is seriously concerned. I'm sure most of us have some things we would not like people thinking about us. I won't buy my husband candy bars on my way home from work at midnight because I don't want the cashier to think I'll be eating it myself. Can you say body issues? I always thought people would assume I am married and my dh just wasn't present, but she may have had some experience that leads her to believe otherwise.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Okay, I'm going to be honest.

 

Yes, I do think there is a stigma against single divorced parents, especially within *some* circles.

 

But in this situation, I lean more towards this women just wanting her husband to be involved more, and this was her excuse.

 

I'm not divorced, just single, and I agree. I often get looked down upon, given unwanted "advice", asked rude questions (like asking about my daughter's father when she is standing RIGHT THERE, then having to find a tactful way to explain that he isn't around, has never been around, without hurting my 4 year old).... But I have the wonderful combination of looking like not only a single parent, but a single teenage parent. I'm actually almost 25, but look very young. Some people have asked if I was 14-15 when I had my daughter... lol.

 

When people see me looked a little tired or flustered it's because I'm a single parent... Well.. I thought all moms got a little worn out sometimes?

Homeschooling is a bad idea because I'll never be able to handle it all on my own.. Well.. I've been doing it thus far and my daughter is very intelligent...

 

Pretty ridiculous, and it doesn't bother me. I hold my head up high because I know I'm doing great.

 

BUT, I could possibly see how someone who is not used to it could get a little paranoid. But I really think this woman is trying to get her husband more involved. At most of my daughters activities, it is only moms there with the kids, and if dad is there mom isn't...

[jillian]

i get it alot. i guess part of it too is because i look significantly younger than i am. I am 24, but have been told I look anywhere from 16-18. I have actually overheard people make comments when i am in line at like a coffee shop or bookstore, especially to their older teenage daughters, "don't be like her behind us, she went and got herself knocked up". i almost always have to take dd somewhere alone, dh is military so we don't have a lot of mutual take dd someplace opportunities. i see it alot but i know the truth and that's what matters

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Well, my sister is a single Mom and she gets stereotyped and judged fairly often. You'd really be surprised.

 

Her daughter, my niece, goes to a VERY nice private middle school and was recently accepted to a VERY VERY selective private high school.

 

You'd be surprised how often people assume she's there on some sort of "diversity program" or "underprivileged scholarship program." They also express clear surprise that my sister has graduated from college, has her own career, money etc . . .

 

This is usually from well-to-do-ladies-who-lunch at fundraisers, recitals, sports events and such. It never ceases to amaze me what people will say right to her face, but it also makes me wonder what people say behind her back.

 

Of course, I don't know for sure if they are judging because she's a single, never been married Mom, an African-American, or perhaps a little bit of both, but it's seriously a trip. She's a professional bean dip passer.;)

[stormy weather]

I didn't know how to title this so I'll just throw it out there:

 

A co-worker of mine said his wife will no longer take their son to his baseball practice without him because she's afraid the other parents might think she is a single parent. She believes other parents look down on single parents, especially women.

 

Personally, I (being married and male) don't think about this type of stigma. I thought society had moved away from it decades ago.

 

 

Is this something that women really worry about?

 

Maybe this is how she feels about single parents and she assumes others feel the same?

 

I have got some intesting comments when people find out I am single and have adopted my children. Some people have said "Well, wasn't there anyone else in your family that could take them?" because my dc's birth mom was my cousin. I don't think people say that kind of thing to people who have given birth to dc and are single by choice, death or divorce.

Edited May 30, 2010 by stormy weather
left a word out

[dirty ethel rackham]

I generally would never know who was a single parent and who wasn't! And if I did, why would I care?

 

:iagree:

 

When I see a parent at a game without a spouse, whether or not they are single is the last thing that enters my mind. In fact, I am more likely to assume that person is married and the spouse is busy rather than think they are single. When my boys were in baseball at the same time, it was rare that dh and I were at the same game. Often there were schedule conflicts and other times, we just wanted to let dd have some time that wasn't spent at a baseball field.

 

I have put my foot in it a couple of times with parents that I didn't know were single. I certainly don't look down on single parents. They have a very tough job.

[BeachGirl]

I am a single parent and I don't think anyone thinks down on me because of it. If they do, IT IS THEIR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. I am just not going to worry about other people and their opinions of me. If they don't like me because I am single, then they really aren't the type of person I want to get to know anyway. FWIW.

[Orthodox6]

never mind.

 

(The woman referenced needs to talk about this with her husband.)

Edited May 30, 2010 by Orthodox6

[mommyofthree]

umm. This is a bit strange. I'm the designated driver. I take my children wherever they need to be. That's just the way that our family works. Dh goes out and brings home the bacon and I do everything else.:001_smile: I would never assume a mom on her own was a single parent.

[G5052]

I take the DC everywhere and attend all of their events alone because DH is disabled. He would love to come, but can't.

 

So it's either me, or they don't go. Doesn't bother me at all.

[Supertechmom]

Maybe she is trying to spur him into coming to the practices? I know when I take my dc to practices by myself that often you are approached and talked to by the divorced father or single father or whatever you want to call it. If it is every practice/game, then I understand. We have 4 kids and my dh has made it to some practices and some games. Maybe this is happening to her and she wants the husband present so people know he exists.

 

Around here, most men make the practices especially ball and football. Women are around as well but to see one woman every practice/game without a man connected is unusual. They come in late or at the end but they always get there. I noticed this because my kids (and I had all my kids everytime) were the ones who never ever were there with any other than me. My hubby worked very long hours and managed to make one event per season per kid.

 

It was not one bit unusual for someone to make a pass at me at least once a week. Wedding ring and all. Preggo belly or not :tongue_smilie: We tended to make sure hubby arrived at the beginning of the season and took time to talk to the coach, kiss me, love on the baby and toddler, issue warnings to the other kid to behave. Active involved father roll. :001_smile:Since our area tends to move us through the ranks attached to our coach, we mostly stayed with the same group from season to season. Then it was just a matter of chaty conversation "Hi how have ya'll been ? How's your hubby blah blah..." All the family that attended the games would get a quick fill in -loudly of course- "oh no she's married , he just works at ____ and can't get here."

 

If that's the climate she is in, then yea, if my hubby could make it, his butt would be there. It gets old really really quick to sit in the stifling heat, holding a baby, watching the siblings, listening to the practice and keeping an eye on that, and deal with some goof making eyes at you! :lol:

[smrtmama]

I was a single mom for about four years with my oldest. Yeah, there is still a stigma on it in certain circles, though it's not as bad as it used to be, and it's WAY more age related than anything else. Single mom in late 20s or 30s is less of a deal than teen/early 20s single mom.

[KristenS]

Well, maybe she is trying to get him to be more active. I recently had a wake up call that makes me want to drag the entire family around wherever we go. One family that I've always admired has done this. They go everywhere together as often as they can. It doesn't matter if they are just taking one of their five kids to ball practice, they all go and spend time together. The only time they ever divide is when two kids have to be in different places at the same time. Otherwise they all go to every practice, every game, every event together as a family. Even if only one kid is actually participating in the event and even if they have piles of laundry and/or other work to do at home.

 

I always thought it was kind of inconvenient but thought it was sweet that they do things that way. I send dh out all the time with the kids so I can clean, lesson plan, and get time to myself.

 

Well, about 6 weeks ago their 2 year old was hit by a car and killed.

 

THANK GOD they did everything together or one of them would have missed out on time with her. The other kids are in sports nearly every day of the week and if it was only one parents job to take those kids to sports practices, then the other parent would have missed so much time with that precious baby.

 

I can't believe the quality time I've wasted because I kicked the family out of the house so I can clean. Now, I fit all of my "work" around family time, not the other way around.

 

Now that IS an eye-opener. Thank you for sharing.

 

Myself, I do have concerns, or at least used to. Finally got some grey hairs now. :)

 

I look VERY young for my age, and I know it was assumed I was a teen mother (and unwed at that) when I was expecting our first. Now, people who I don't know, I don't care much what might be running through their heads, but it does get old. And yeah, I was hit on before, kid and pregnant belly and all. That too gets old, especially when the person KNOWS you are married.

 

Even after child #2, when I was, what, about 30? I was out on my own at a used book sale, waiting in line and chatting with the older couple behind me. They actually asked me where I went to high school. It was kind of funny to explain that I wasn't in high school, I was done with college and happily married with two kids ... it was fun because they were sweet about it and amused and embarrassed ... but again, it gets old.

 

So she might be dropping hints to just get help. I'd assume that first, anyway, unless I knew more about her situation.

 

Plus, at least around here, guys get more respect in certain areas. So for my son, I think it's nice that Daddy takes him a lot of the time. (We go as a family a lot too.) He needs that male role model, and Daddy can run interference when I need it. :)

[Dmmetler]

Guess she'd really have a hard time with my life-not only do I take my DD to almost all her activities by myself, but DH doesn't go to church with us unless DD is singing or something like that!

[Mommyof4ks]

There is a stigma out there still, but unless I were to ask someone of their marital status (not that I would because it is none of my business) then I would not know or guess their status. I take my kids to all of their events, and my dh makes it when he can. He never goes to practices, ever. It does not bother me at all, but then again I either know most of the parents and of course they know that I am married or I don't know them and don't care what they think. ;)

[elise1mds]

I haven't read any replies, but I wouldn't worry about it at all! My son's best friends' mom (they're twins) is a single parent, and she's awesome :D

[Impish]

I was a single parent.

 

Yes, there is still very much a stigma. When my eldest was in gr 1, another kid told him we were poor because he didn't have a Dad or a car.

 

I've had women act like I was going to try and steal their dh/so.

 

I've had women completely ignore me.

 

I've had men hit on me, with the attitude that being a single parent meant 'easy'.

 

I've had ppl assume that we were on welfare.

 

Absolutely there's a stigma. The difference btwn being a single parent and a married one is huge, imo.

 

To add: dh has also been assumed to be a single parent when taking the kids to the park, etc by himself, both by moms and dads. Other dads on visitation want to commiserate, compare war stories, single moms want to date him. Married moms avoid him like he's contagious.

Edited May 31, 2010 by Impish

[mrbmom77]

I'm not divorced, just single, and I agree. I often get looked down upon, given unwanted "advice", asked rude questions

 

 

Yes, this works my nerves. I've actually had to back away from a friendship because she seemed to think her not-so-great marriage was so far superior to my singleness and made it clear she pitied me. :glare:

 

And then there's advice from younger moms with much younger kids that don't know us - but for some reason having a husband makes them smarter....

[Joanne]

Okay, I'm going to be honest.

 

Yes, I do think there is a stigma against single divorced parents, especially within *some* circles.

 

But in this situation, I lean more towards this women just wanting her husband to be involved more, and this was her excuse.

 

:iagree:

 

When I was married to my children's father, I took them everywhere, usually without him. (He didn't want to participate and he travelled, so I solo-parented). It never occured to me to not go. I think the person referenced in the OP has issues OR is trying to passive/aggressively make someone change.

 

I have experienced, however, the ongoing stigma of divorce/single parenthood in several settings - including this board.

 

I personally believe our vernacular represents the bias: intact family, broken family. *My* family is more intact now than ever and was broken when I was married to my xh. :001_huh: