Do you like surprises?

[DawnM]

I do not.   I just don't.   I told DH when we got engaged I don't like them.   I even went to help pick out my engagement ring because I told him I really needed to see it on my hand before buying.   

Through the years, he has continued to try to surprise me and I never like it.   I rarely express that I don't like it, but I still don't.    He hung some pictures up to surprise me and they weren't at all in the right place.   We had 10' ceilings in our last house and he hung a picture up about 2' from the ceiling because he thought I wanted it above the decor that was on the table.    No dear, now it looks weird and you have to look up high to see anything.   

This is not a husband bashing, I love that he tries, but now I have to tell him, "I need X hung up, but please let me know when you are going to do it so I can tell you where it should go."   Somethings I can figure out beforehand, but some things I need some help with (stand back and look, etc....)

I think the only surprises I like are the ones I either planned out and told DH exactly what I want, or the ones that involve friends coming to visit and surprising me.

But it has me wondering.....do you like surprises?

 

[Rosie_0801]

People can buy me expensive cheese any time they like...

[HomeAgain]

I don't like surprise experiences. That would include parties, things like having the photos hung (for the experience of looking at them).  I don't mind surprise things like gifts.

My kids are the same, with the 14yo more rigid than the 25yo.  Always has been.  It's why I started the "tradition" of making little daily plan envelopes when we go to Disney. The need to know exactly what would happen was strong with the young one. I didn't mean for it to be a tradition, but here we are now and I'm doing it again, even though everyone has the app.

[KungFuPanda]

I think there is a difference between not liking surprises and not liking things that don’t go your way or exactly how you would do it. 

[Katy]

I wouldn’t think of him hanging something up as a surprise, I’d think of it as him deciding to do it himself rather than voice the criticism in his head that he couldn’t stand that it still hadn’t been done yet. 

Last night DH brought home a couple bouquets of flowers “because I noticed you are out of them.” That was a nice surprise, even though I would have chosen different flowers myself. 

[73349]

I don't like surprises of any kind.

[whitestavern]

I love surprises but unfortunately 99% of the time I’m on the giving end. I’m fairly certain my surprises are usually welcomed and loved though. 

[TexasProud]

I would not describe the picture thing as a surprise.  And yeah,  I am married to you.  It is why I don't do something he wants like that without asking him, because it will be redone.  Just so you know, when you are on the receiving end of that kind of control, it is demoralizing.... ( And yes, even when you don't say anything.  We can see it in your eyes.)  You know you can never quite please them even though they love you.  He repacks the car, rehangs pictures, etc.  I just don't try to help him anymore or just wait for him to tell me how he wants it. 

Yeah, I adore surprises.  I would love a surprise party.  I have thrown my husband several: 30th birthday, retirement/refocus.  He loved them.  I have been part of throwing several for friends.  I have never gotten one and I would love it.  I would love to be whisked away somewhere I didn't have to plan.  Yes, I adore them.

Edited to add
We know it looks weird or not exactly right, but we wanted to help. I don't know what the answer is because it is certainly valid for you to want it to look a certain way.  I get that.  But we know it will never quite be good enough because our eye, our packing ability our whatever isn't quite up to your/his standards...  and again, my husband never says anything anymore because he knows it hurts me, but I know he is thinking it. I'm sure your husband does as well. Not sure what the answer is...

Edited March 6 by TexasProud

[Spryte]

I love surprises. And I don’t snoop because I hate a ruined surprise. Gifts, experiences, if it’s meant to be a surprise — I love it.

Twice I’ve packed for vacation the night before, with no idea where we are going and only a small bit of guidelines from DH (for one trip, he had already shipped most of what we’d need). Twice DH has managed to get me on the first leg of a flight without my knowing where we are going. He even booked a salon appointment the day before, because he knew I’d want that — for that one, even my hair stylist knew where we were going. 

But hanging pictures is *not* a “surprise,” and DH would always wait for me to get input on anything like that. Things we are both going to live with for a long time — we do together. That includes rings, clothing. 

Dawn, I hope you can tell him you need to change the height of the pics and rehang them together. Hanging pics too high is a pet peeve of mine, and that would bother me every day.

[SKL]

About the "surprise decorating" stuff, I assume OP has told her husband (at a neutral time, not right after he surprised her) that things like that are group decisions.  You bring your own aesthetic views of how things should be organized, as does he.  Remembering to be considerate of your preferences (in advance) shouldn't annoy him.

I don't know if I like surprises.  The only surprises I can recall right now are bad ones, LOL.  Like the way my coffee spilled all over my t-shirt 5 minutes ago.  😛  Or when my kid informs me there's a warning light on my car dashboard.  Or when I hear we're about to have guests but the house is a mess and I have a work deadline.  😛

I don't like people spending on me in general, so if they do, I'd rather it be something I really want.  And I'm freaking picky.  So I think people have figured out that there's no point giving me a surprise.  Maybe that makes me a wet blanket.

[ScoutTN]

Sometimes. Mostly not. I am a planner. Hopefully not as high-control as the spouses described in other posts!

Gifts more than experiences. Fun, small things like flowers just-because-I-love-you on a random day, are great!

Household things like picture-hanging, usually not. 

Edited March 6 by ScoutTN

[Heartstrings]

I don’t mind small surprises like a chocolate bar or sonic drink.  Even small bouquets of flowers would be ok. Or a clean kitchen. Beyond that, no.  Just no.  I need time to prep or I’ll end up acting awkward and feeling embarrassed.  Luckily my husband understands this.  
 

I also 100% went to pick my engagement ring and there was no surprise proposal.  That would have been awful.  
 

I would have appreciated the effort of him hanging the pictures but I would be privately upset bc I either have to figure out how to ask him to move them and hurt his feelings or deal with not liking it.   Which is part of why I don’t like surprises in the first place…..

 

I’d probably wait awhile then say something about thinking the pictures would better a little lower or whatever.  

[Arcadia]

I don’t like surprises unless we are talking about birthday presents. My social circle don’t really care about the look of their engagement rings, a simple solitaire ring that is not going to hinder work is the general criteria. I do like spontaneity, so don’t need everything planned out for the day. House decor is done by me because I am a lot more particular and I need some space that is not cluttered while my husband is more of a pack rat.

[Laura Corin]

No. Not at all. I think I had too many bad surprises when I was a tween/teen. 

Eta my husband understands. @DawnM I would keep saying to your husband that you understand that he is trying to do something nice but you really don't like surprises. 

Edited March 6 by Laura Corin

[freesia]

No, I do not. 

[DawnM]

I guess I view that picture hanging as a surprise because he said, "Surprise!   I hung it for you!" 🤣

I am guessing my husband is on the spectrum a bit.   He just doesn't "get" some things, like the fact that picture hanging needs to be at a certain height and not 8' up on the wall.   

He has surprised me with some gifts that I had to act very much like I liked it, when I really didn't.

I have learned to be very specific, but he still sometimes thinks he is giving me a good surprise.   Bless his heart.

[Carol in Cal.]

The only kind of surprise I like is a surprise present that is just what I would have wanted myself if I had thought of it, one that shows that the giver has really given some thinking time to figuring out the perfect thing based on his close knowledge of me.  

I can’t imagine a surprise party, ugh.  I’d be like that woman in the horrible commercial a few years back that pulled off her wig and kicked off her shoes and took off all her makeup and looked like a fright just before walking into the room with the surprise guests.  I mean, not literally, since I don’t wear a wig or makeup, but still, I would want to make sure my lipstick and hair and clothes were up to an occasion like that, and that is very unlikely to be the case randomly.

(Although now that I think about it, friends did invite me over for a sleep over party when I was in college that turned out to be a surprise birthday party.  That was nice.  But I was already in ‘special occasion’ attire and such.)

I don’t share a design esthetic with my husband.  He frames things in ways I consider not optimal for their picture itself, and he puts things in places where they don’t look good or fit with the surroundings.  Basically I think he doesn’t think of a room or environment as a whole.  Rather, he is drawn to specific objects whether they go well somewhere or not, and he assumes that they will look good there just because they look good as individual objects.  Whereas I look at objects AND context and optimize around both.  So a decor surprise from him would probably not suit me unless it was something small and very nice that we could try in various different spots.  

Also, he tends to remember things I have admired but not why.  So usually I end up with something similar to something I like, but not the thing I like.  I don’t mind that too much, because close is usually just fine with me.  But it’s funny because often this means that we both end up with something that we wouldn’t have picked.  For instance, I’ve wanted a cuckoo clock for decades.  For my birthday about 12-15 years ago, DH picked out and ordered a cuckoo clock from Germany—quite an undertaking!  It has a bird taking off as its primary motif, one of about three common motifs.  It’s gorgeous, and I love it!  But DH explained that he would have preferred another common motif—a stag head—but that he remembered that I always wanted the bird and that’s why he bought it.  Now, I don’t know where he got that idea.  Actually, what I have ALWAYS wanted is those figures that come out and dance in circles, the third major motif.  But I’m happy with the bird, and the deer would have been fine, too.  But the clock literally fit nowhere in our house, so it sat in a box for several years, and then when we got our cabin fortunately I remembered it and we put it up and it looked great.  Bottom line—DH surprised me with a clock that was not exactly what I wanted, because he thought I wanted it, but also one that I had no place to go with it and that probably would have remained in the box for the rest of my life if we hadn’t gotten the cabin.  To me that is…fine but odd.  Ditto for the lava lamp, which I like but have no place for.  Yup, I always wanted one, but it’s also still in the box years later.

[annandatje]

No.

[-----]

nm

Edited August 30 by kathyl

[kbutton]

Not usually.

 

[Katy]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

I guess I view that picture hanging as a surprise because he said, "Surprise!   I hung it for you!" 🤣

I am guessing my husband is on the spectrum a bit.   He just doesn't "get" some things, like the fact that picture hanging needs to be at a certain height and not 8' up on the wall.   

He has surprised me with some gifts that I had to act very much like I liked it, when I really didn't.

I have learned to be very specific, but he still sometimes thinks he is giving me a good surprise.   Bless his heart.

Find one of those online guides from a gallery owner that explains why art needs to be centered at 52” high (or whatever the rule is), and how to calculate that, and send it to him. 

[Clarita]

Depends. I definitely don't like events. I usually do like yummy food surprises. Stuff is a toss up (my weirdness is I don't really like flowers and jewelry). I don't hide my thoughts well. So I'm not good at pretending I like something.

DH knows what I like and what I don't like. I don't think he's a super perceptive guy. I keep a running wish list for him of things I'd like. It's really specific with the exact items, brand, color, item number. So he can surprise me with stuff if he wants and he does. Usually though he surprises me with cake because then he knows he'll win.

[saraha]

I love surprises. It doesn’t matter what the surprise is, I love it. Doing a chore or something I’ve been meaning to do even if it’s not perfect? I love it. I’m An acts of service girl so even poorly hung pictures would make me happy. In a year, I would rearrange the room and move the pictures where I want them. Bought me an ugly green sweater that doesn’t fit because you saw it and remembered my favorite color is green and I once bought a sweater? I will happily wear it. I love to surprise my people too, and no one seems to mind. Although I’ve never thrown a surprise party, so not sure how that would go over.

Edited March 7 by saraha

[Annie G]

I don’t generally enjoy surprises and  I really dislike the expectation that I should come up with surprises.
A few weeks ago I thought dh would enjoy seeing The Doo Wop Project.  I saw they were performing nearby and good tickets were reasonably priced. I asked if he wanted to go. He did and we enjoyed it, but on the way out said it would have been better if I’d  surprised him with it. WHY??? We’re in our 60’s, dude. Not a lot of surprises left in this old lady.    To be fair, I have a lot of burnout from decades of mental load, so I’m more crabby about this kind of thing than I should be. 

[Elizabeth86]

I adore them. My mother cannot keep a secret to save her life. If she doesn’t tell you before she gives you a present, she actually blurts out what it is as you are opening. I grew up with zero surprises, so I live for surprises. I live to surprise others too.

[Clarita]

18 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I adore them. My mother cannot keep a secret to save her life. If she doesn’t tell you before she gives you a present, she actually blurts out what it is as you are opening. I grew up with zero surprises, so I live for surprises. I live to surprise others too.

I am your mother. I just get too excited over the surprise. 

[Corraleno]

I really dislike surprises, and IME when people insist on surprising someone who has repeatedly made it clear that they do. not. like. them, there is usually some kind of agenda there.

My sister once "surprised" me by inviting my estranged mother with her on a visit, and it permanently changed my relationship with her. One of my brothers surprised my other brother by flying in unannounced for a visit, only to discover that brother #2 was out of the country, so he added to the surprise by "fixing up" a few things in brother #2's house that brother #1 thought needed fixing (which did not go over well). My father once came to visit me in the UK to help with some DIY projects, but then decided that rather than help with the things I asked for, he'd "surprise" me by "fixing" other things I did not want him messing with, which was the opposite of helpful as it made even more work for me in the long run.

I think some men (not all men blah blah blah) have a tendency to interpret being given a gift list or being asked to help with something around the house as "being told what to do," and they have this subconscious "you're not the boss of me" reaction, so they decide to go off script with a "surprise" present or do a requested chore as a "surprise," which makes it something they chose to do rather than something they were "told" to do. And then if the recipient isn't totally thrilled with a "surprise" she didn't want and didn't ask for, well that just proves how picky, controlling, impossible, etc., she is.  

[Corraleno]

5 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I can’t imagine a surprise party, ugh.  I’d be like that woman in the horrible commercial a few years back that pulled off her wig and kicked off her shoes and took off all her makeup and looked like a fright just before walking into the room with the surprise guests.  

When I left my last job, I repeatedly told friends and coworkers that I did NOT want a going away party, but apparently they wanted one, so they "surprised" me anyway. And it was on a day when I was totally exhausted and sleep deprived, my hair and clothes were a mess, and I looked every bit as shitty as I felt, so when I walked into a room to find 100+ people yelling "Surprise!" I wanted to murder the people who organized it and then crawl in a hole.

This is how I feel about surprise parties:

[saraha]

12 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I adore them. My mother cannot keep a secret to save her life. If she doesn’t tell you before she gives you a present, she actually blurts out what it is as you are opening. I grew up with zero surprises, so I live for surprises. I live to surprise others too.

I’m your mother too. 😆

[Bambam]

Some small surprises are okay. 
Bring me a Snickers bar or flowers or a stained glass kit. Fine. That is lovely. 

Hang pictures in our house without my input? Nope, that is something we both need to agree on. Now it would be fine to get a good picture printed and framed and then work with me to hang it up.  Rearranging anything in the house - nope, again, something we should agree on. Now if you rearrange your office room, that is fine, but do not go rearrange my craft room. Think about the appropriateness of the surprise before you surprise someone. 

 

[Drama Llama]

I don't think of myself as someone who likes surprises.  What I love is someone else taking on a cognitive load for me, especially in areas where I am not passionate.  So, I would be thrilled if someone else figured out where to hang a painting or what piece of jewelry to buy me (except I definitely didn't want an engagement ring) because I do not care about those things.  On the other hand, if someone took on the cognitive load or planning a menu for me, or making educational decisions for my children or students, I would not be happy, because those are things I am passionate about. 

I know from your postings that you have a very beautiful home and strong opinions about how it looks.  So, it doesn't surprise me that taking the time, and collaborating with your DH to make sure it's right would be your preference.  

[Tap]

Little surprises......."I brought pizza home, so you don't have to cook dinnner" GREAT!!!! Love it.

Big ones "I planned a week long trip to Hawaii and we leave in two days because I knew it would stress you out and you wouldn't want to go" HATE IT! (real scenario from XH). 

I hated surprises from DH because they we usually big, had many moving parts and weren't well conceived. He couldn't read the room and make adjustments. For example....My baby shower was a surprise lunch/party at a Mexican restaurant, and XH was supposed to deliver me there.  We were doing 'errands' (stalling for arrival to party) and I kept telling him I needed to eat. I wasn't feeling good and was super hungry. He kept putting me off and coming up with random things he needed to look at at Walmart. Instead of saying, 'lets get you a snack' and then continue delaying.....He delivered me to the restaurant Angry, sooo hungry and feeling unwell that my shower was horrible and I felt terrible for ruining the planned event. 

Another was a birthday dinner where I was very casually dressed and not put together at all, but others were dressed and enjoying the night, before we arrived. Walked in, and felt very, very out of place for the night. 

Every surprise he planned, was similar. He knew I hated surprises. He loves surprises and kept trying to push them off on me. He never, ever learned. Even dd would try to talk him out of them. Even as a kid, she knew how much I hated his surprises. 

Edited March 8 by Tap

[Halftime Hope]

On 3/6/2024 at 6:38 AM, TexasProud said:

I would not describe the picture thing as a surprise.  And yeah,  I am married to you.  It is why I don't do something he wants like that without asking him, because it will be redone.  Just so you know, when you are on the receiving end of that kind of control, it is demoralizing.... ( And yes, even when you don't say anything.  We can see it in your eyes.)  You know you can never quite please them even though they love you.  He repacks the car, rehangs pictures, etc.  I just don't try to help him anymore or just wait for him to tell me how he wants it. 

Edited to add
We know it looks weird or not exactly right, but we wanted to help. I don't know what the answer is because it is certainly valid for you to want it to look a certain way.  I get that.  But we know it will never quite be good enough because our eye, our packing ability our whatever isn't quite up to your/his standards...  and again, my husband never says anything anymore because he knows it hurts me, but I know he is thinking it. I'm sure your husband does as well. Not sure what the answer is...

The answer is 1) to not do the things in which you know the other person will have to have their way, 2) to be grateful when they use their gifts well, and 3) to clearly stake out which "things and/or places" the controlling person/perfectionist will just have to ignore or walk away from.

 

Edited for clarity.

Edited March 8 by Halftime Hope

[TexasProud]

36 minutes ago, Halftime Hope said:

The answer is 1) to not do the thing you know the other person will have to have their way, 2) to be grateful when they use their gifts well, and 3) to clearly stake out which things and places the controlling person will just have to walk away from.

I am not sure I completely understand your answer.  Have to have their way....  Not sure exactly what you mean by that.  But let me just give you examples that have happened over the years:  I load the car with our stuff.  Hubby comes out and needs to fit in more stuff and to be honest, I am spacially challenged, so he takes everything out and completely repacks it.  And yes, it is much more organized, looks better, and fits more stuff.  He never tells me my way is bad, but I know it is. My solution was to just pile things by the back door and let him pack the car. 

I am grateful, even when it makes me feel like I am not really good at anything.

I am not sure I understand number 3 at all other than maybe you mean this?  I have my study ( that used to be my middle son's room).  It is mine.  It is pretty much always a disorganized mess.  He leaves it alone it is mine.  

But still, it doesn't stop me from feeling less than, even though he says he feels less than compared to me...  

[Halftime Hope]

37 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I am not sure I completely understand your answer.  Have to have their way....  Not sure exactly what you mean by that.  But let me just give you examples that have happened over the years:  I load the car with our stuff.  Hubby comes out and needs to fit in more stuff and to be honest, I am spacially challenged, so he takes everything out and completely repacks it.  And yes, it is much more organized, looks better, and fits more stuff.  He never tells me my way is bad, but I know it is. My solution was to just pile things by the back door and let him pack the car. 

I am grateful, even when it makes me feel like I am not really good at anything.

I am not sure I understand number 3 at all other than maybe you mean this?  I have my study ( that used to be my middle son's room).  It is mine.  It is pretty much always a disorganized mess.  He leaves it alone it is mine.  

But still, it doesn't stop me from feeling less than, even though he says he feels less than compared to me...  

I edited my post. (I'm sorry; dh interrupted me earlier so I didn't have a chance to compose well.)  I think it will be more clear now. 

If you both feel "less than", maybe the solution is to bathing your mind in all the truths of Scripture. And talk to each other. And -- this is counterintuitive -- don't always assume someone will do X because they are good at it. (That gets old, too.) Talk/ask/agree to it. 

All this in my post...it comes from 38.5 years of working it out, too. The interruption I mentioned above...dh solving a problem that is mine to solve. 😄 

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, Halftime Hope said:

I edited my post. (I'm sorry; dh interrupted me earlier so I didn't have a chance to compose well.)  I think it will be more clear now. 

If you both feel "less than", maybe the solution is to bathing your mind in all the truths of Scripture. And talk to each other. And -- this is counterintuitive -- don't always assume someone will do X because they are good at it. (That gets old, too.) Talk/ask/agree to it. 

All this in my post...it comes from 38.5 years of working it out, too. The interruption I mentioned above...dh solving a problem that is mine to solve. 😄 

Oh, I know.  We do talk a lot and we are both so much better at it than when we started this journey 35 years ago...  For example, when he got back from Kenya and we were in Indiana, I was driving because he was severely jet lagged.  He immediately questioned why I chose to go this route to Walmart. Old me would have inwardly collapsed into a puddle and berated myself for not going the faster, "right" way.  Instead, I just smiled and said GPS told me to go that way.  It isn't a moral failing to do that.  He drives most of the time, and it is more often me asking why we are going such and such a way, so no need to even mention it to him, especially as he was so tired. 

Yeah, I spend my whole time reading, studying scripture....  It is "my job." 

Edited March 8 by TexasProud

[Condessa]

It's not that I dislike surprises so much as that I would rather have what I really want than be surprised by something I don't prefer.  I really appreciate that dh no longer tries to surprise me with gifts, but instead asks me to tell him exactly what I want, because it means that instead of being surprised with things like jewelry, I get gifts like interesting breeds of day-old chicks.  But it's not the fact that it's a surprise that's a problem; I have been absolutely delighted on the rare occasion that someone anticipated my preferences well enough to surprise me with something I was excited about.  I just recognise that that's really hard to do for someone with interests as weird and particular as mine.

Edited March 8 by Condessa

[gardenmom5]

Not really.
 

[Kuovonne]

One of the reasons why I prefer to not be surprised is because I enjoy anticipating nice things. For example, DD is very good at picking out gifts for me. Of the gift that I use regularly, some were surprises and some were not. The gifts that were surprises, I’ve enjoyed since I got them. The gifts that were not surprises, I enjoyed anticipating *before* I got them. So I got more enjoyment from the gifts that were not surprises. 

I like spoilers in movies and books because I like to see how all the pieces of the story fit together. It is easier to see that if I know what is going to happen versus being surprised.

Surprise activities, acts of service, and gifts tend to be problematic because I am very picky and I don’t like having my plans changed at the last minute. Because I am picky, I would rather be consulted first to ensure I get something I Iike versus being surprised with something I don’t. Because I dislike having to change plans, I would rather be consulted first so I can fit the thing into my plan for the day versus having to rearrange my schedule.

The main time when I like being “surprised” is when the end result doesn't really matter and someone else takes on the physical or mental load. In this case, it’s not that I like being surprised by the end result as that I like being relieved of the effort of doing it myself. But even in this case, I would have preferred to know in advance that things would be taken care of without me.

[*LC]

I love surprise birthday and Christmas gifts, which isn't my family strong suit. I don't think I would appreciate someone making decorating decisions for my home without my input.