What age would you let a child attend a funeral for a distant relative?

[Katy]

Assume it’s someone that lives in another part of the country and the child has only seen a few times, but had fun with in the summer and still asks about occasionally. And this is for my 6 year old. The other kids don’t know this person at all. 

[MercyA]

It seems unnecessary to have a child travel for a distant relative's funeral. If the child really wanted to go for some reason, and I was going anyway, and the cost wasn't prohibitive, I wouldn't forbid it at any age.

My parents never took me to ANY funerals. When I went to my first in my early 20's it was a bit of a shock. DD has been to several (starting at age 2 or 3) and I'm glad she's had the experience.

At the other extreme is my mother-in-law, who grabs kids by the hand at funerals and says, "Do you want to go look at the body?" She also encourages them to touch it if they want. I appreciate what she's trying to do, kind of, but I definitely don't think kids should be pressured.

Edited November 27, 2023 by MercyA

[Kassia]

I'd let them go, but I wouldn't make an effort to get them there if that makes sense.  They won't miss anything by not going, but it won't hurt them to go. 

[73349]

I would allow it for a school-aged child, yes. And we'd chat about it whether the child went or not.

[Jaybee]

If I were going anyway (i.e., our family was traveling there), I would take my child. I wouldn't pressure them to do anything like @MercyA is talking about above. As a young child, I was taken to funerals, though not encouraged to touch or anything. I think it helped develop a healthy approach toward death, to a certain extent. I remember going to a home visitation when I was three. My grandfather died when I was eight. That was at a time and place where visitation was in the home, and the body was then taken to the church for the funeral, usually on day three. It was creepy to me in some ways, and I thought about it a lot when I went to bed at night. But death is also part of life, and I am glad I was not shielded too much and was able to gradually be exposed before I had to face it with someone who I was really close to--something not everyone has the privilege to do. I mean, I loved my grandfather, but I was one of many grandchildren, and wouldn't say it was a really close relationship.

[TravelingChris]

I went to a funeral at 4.  There was an open casket and I was shocked.  Didn't see another open casket intil I was over 50 and I wasn't shocked then.

I don't think 6 is a good age for a funeral.  I actually missed ny father's at age 13 because I was quite sick w strep throat and didn't want it to spread.

My mother who died when I was 23 had a memorial service, which was fine w me.

[Heartstrings]

We’ve had a lot of discussions about this at my house lately.  I will not take elementary age kids, they don’t get an option, they will not be going.  Middle and lower high school age get an option.  Somewhere around 16-18 we strongly encourage them to attend family funerals.   

[Pawz4me]

I think six is plenty old enough, assuming the child has decent maturity and impulse control to know how to behave properly. I wouldn't force anyone (of any age) to attend a funeral, but if the child wants to go and can be trusted to behave then sure.

[Bootsie]

I would let a child attend a funeral at any age.  There could be specifics in a particular situation that I would decide it wasn't in the child's best interest, but that wouldn't be due simply to the child's age (or how well they knew the particular person who died).

[Just Kate]

I think taking any age child to a funeral is appropriate (with the exception of a baby or toddler, I suppose - I would still take them but make sure I could take them out of the room if they got loud or fussy). 
 

My ds went to the funeral home (visitation we called it) for my very close uncle when he was 18 months old. I didn’t take him to the funeral because I wanted to be present and not have to worry about a toddler. 
 

My kids went to my best friend’s funeral when they were 6 and 9. They both wanted to attend and I thought it was healthy for them to be given the opportunity to say goodbye to someone who had been such a huge part of our lives. 
 

My parents always took me to funerals when I was younger, but they didn’t make me go up to the casket if I didn’t want to (open casket funerals). These funerals were typically of older people who attended our church or even family members that I didn’t know well. I think this was good for me. While I do have some anxiety about death (my parents, in particular), I have never been fearful or felt weird with funerals. They are just a natural part of life. 
 

I would never force my child to go, but if it is convenient and I am going anyway, yes I would definitely take my child to this funeral. 

[cjzimmer1]

I always take my kids to funerals.  I want them to know what it's about.  But I will admit I'm a bit colored by a relative's story.  Person was one of the oldest in a large family.  One of the youngest children was sick and taken to the hospital and died a few days later.  Family was poor and didn't have transportation readily available so children never went to see sibling in hospital.  When funeral was held, only the older kids (10+) were brought, they were allowed a quick viewing (less than 5 minutes) before the service and then were taken home to be with a sitter.  Younger children were not brought at all. Relative is much older now and still regrets not being allowed to participate in sibling's funeral and the younger children (also now adults), still talk about not getting to say goodbye.  I realize your child isn't as close as a sibling but it still seems weird to me to exclude a child from a funeral (assuming you are already going) just because of their age.

[fraidycat]

If I am attending anyway, I would not put an age limit in a child attending. I've been to so, so many funerals as I grew up in a huge extended family. It's something we do when people we know die.

The only parameters I would have is if the child knew the person and can be trusted to be respectful and quiet through the service.

[JustEm]

Any age if they expressed interest in going.

[prairiewindmomma]

Family funerals involving travel have been less about the deceased and more about the extended family gathering together around the event. My young kids attended their great-grandmother’s funeral having never met her (due to distance) because it was a rare occasion for a large gathering.

I’d have no problem taking a 6yo, but I would prep them beforehand. Permanency of death can still be somewhat sketchy at 6. 

[Clarita]

I took my 2 year old and baby to their great grandmother's funeral. 1) The whole family was going so they would be there anyways and 2) it was important to me for them to know of her existence. They never had the chance to meet her before this because she had become ill shortly after DS was born and didn't want us visiting because she wasn't 100%. 

I wouldn't have them view the body at that age and I wouldn't know at what age a body viewing would be appropriate because that practice is not my cup of tea. I guess that would be when I felt they have the maturity and knowledge to consent to that. We had an "exit strategy" in place in case either child became disruptive or needed to not be there (if they become uncomfortable with what's going on).

I had attended funerals as a child, growing up no one in my family ever thought about not bringing children to things. We just made sure there was a responsible person for every child that we didn't want to leave alone if they needed to leave the space.

The experience with my kids was overwhelmingly positive. We did have to leave the service at one point because it's long for a 2 year old to sit. Other people who were at the funeral were glad the children were there because it was good to see "new life". For my 2 year old it ended up being one of the steps in his journey to understanding the difference between death and just moving far away. Not everyone needs that but DS did. It also is not the only way he could have taken that journey but it happened to work out for us.       

[Terabith]

I can't imagine not taking a child of almost any age (except maybe the whirling dervish toddler stage) if I or the rest of the family is traveling for the funeral.  For one thing, I wouldn't have child care in a distant place, so it wouldn't occur to me to leave them behind.  But I think a school aged child who has interacted with the deceased would be an absolutely 100% go, no question, if I'm going.  Practically speaking even if they hadn't ever met the deceased, they'd probably be going if I'm going.  I would talk a lot about what it would be like and what the options are, if it's open or closed casket, and if it's open, what they want to do.  When I was 8, I went to my uncle's funeral and I was heavily encouraged to put a rose on his open casket and kiss him, and that freaked me out a bit, especially since I had no preparation, but I'm pretty easily traumatized and I wasn't traumatized by it.  But the funeral itself was absolutely fine, if a bit boring in the way church services often are for young kids.  I took my own kids to funerals at very young ages (4 and 6, I think?) and especially the older one found it meaningful.  They also went to the bedside of this person (their great grandmother) while she was actively dying, and it was fine, even for very anxious and sensitive kids.  

Death is part of life, and I do think it's very important to normalize it to the extent we can.  If this is a person this child has fond memories of and asks about, I would definitely take them if it was possible.  I wouldn't spend thousands of dollars traveling across the country to attend a funeral I wouldn't otherwise, but if I was going, kid would come with.  

[catz]

I would defitely take a child of school age.  I attended funerals young and I thought it was a positive thing.  Death is part of life and it opened good discussions and learning to process hard emotions.  

I'd be sensitive to the child's preferences.  If they didn't want to see an open casket, that is fine.  If they decided they were done early, that would also be fine.  At my father's funeral my daughter was 10.  I'm sure my mom didn't love it, but my daughter was just having a hard time by the end of a service and a meal and we called it a day at that point.  

[rebcoola]

Any child who can ask can go.   I don't think I would make special arrangements for a child to travel for a distant relatives funeral.

[LuvToRead]

I tend to agree that any age is fine.  I know it's regional, but it's very common in my area to see young children at funerals.  Both of my girls have attended funerals since they were very young.  My oldest is pretty sensitive, but overall I think it's been healthy for her.  If you are planning on attending and don't mind bringing the six year old, I think it would be fine.  Leaving the six year old at home is ok too.  

[Heartstrings]

27 minutes ago, Clarita said:

wouldn't have them view the body at that age

This is why I don’t take littles to funerals.  Where I am there is no getting away from seeing the dead body.  The casket is open the whole service, or sometimes closed during the preaching but open before and after.  It’s visible from everywhere in the chapel.  

 

[stephanier.1765]

My parents never took me to a funeral at any age. And as I got older and a couple of relatives and family friends died, I didn't attend those either (and I really should have) because by then I had a fear of them. It took a good friend's father's funeral that she specifically asked me to attend before I finally went. I was already a mother by then. So for my own kids, they went to all the funerals related to our family and family friends. As adults, they have no qualms about going so I think this was a much better approach.

[ScoutTN]

Might depend on what the tone and details of the service will be. Open casket, hard no. 

[busymama7]

I think LDS funerals are a little different than most but my kids have been going to funerals their whole life.   My husband's grandpa died when we had kids 2,4 5 and 7 and he took the older three to another state to go. I stayed home with the 2 year old as I was 8 months pregnant. That baby ended up being still born at term and we were really thankful that the older kids had experienced a funeral already so their sisters wasn't their first one.  My kids participated as much as they felt comfortable including carrying the casket (with others) and flowers to the grave side and it was my 7 year olds idea to bury her ourselves and so we did.  We have precious memories of these events.  

I actually really love funerals as weird as that might sound.  I love hearing about people's lives and hearing the stories the family shares.  I mean older adults here.  Baby and child funerals are different and much harder.   But most importantly, part of an LDS funeral is a final talk by clergy about the good news of the gospel and the hope we feel at being reunited with our loved ones.  I end up leaving feel peaceful, hopeful and happy even if I also am sad about the loss.   

[ScoutTN]

7 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

This is why I don’t take littles to funerals.  Where I am there is no getting away from seeing the dead body.  The casket is open the whole service, or sometimes closed during the preaching but open before and after.  It’s visible from everywhere in the chapel.  

 

This varies so much.

I am 57 and have never been to a service with an open casket. It is extremely rare in my circles for the casket to be there at all. More often the burial and graveside service are before the memorial service. More and more green burials too, so very quick, while a service may be 1-2 weeks later, to allow people travel time.

[busymama7]

10 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

This is why I don’t take littles to funerals.  Where I am there is no getting away from seeing the dead body.  The casket is open the whole service, or sometimes closed during the preaching but open before and after.  It’s visible from everywhere in the chapel.  

 

Ok yes this is a big difference with the ones I've been to.  There is a "viewing" before hand but that is usually family and closer friends. The casket is closed before being brought into the chapel so it is easy to avoid that part.  We did have our kids go to the viewing for their grandpa and cousin (died at age 17 after being disabled his whole life).   And we had a viewing for their sister as well. We always talk to them about what they will see and we encourage them to stay back or in the hallway etc if they are uncomfortable.  We treat it very normally and like other things with kids, they feed off our energy. 

[annandatje]

When the child wants to attend funeral is when he should.  Of course, talk with him about what to expect and how to conduct himself.

Edited November 27, 2023 by annandatje

[Starr]

Mine went to funerals as littles and at four and six. Episcopal funerals are closed casket and the service structure was familiar to them. 

[Clarita]

23 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

53 minutes ago, Clarita said:

wouldn't have them view the body at that age

This is why I don’t take littles to funerals.  Where I am there is no getting away from seeing the dead body.  The casket is open the whole service, or sometimes closed during the preaching but open before and after.  It’s visible from everywhere in the chapel.  

I've been invited to all sorts of different funerals. I never know what the casket situation is going to be. As I do for every situation, I just make sure that my kids have an out if they feel uncomfortable. Open casket feels like I'm invading someone's privacy... Unrelated to funerals my kids have seen a dead body before.

 

[CTVKath]

I wasn't allowed to attend funerals until I was an adult and I regret that. I wouldn't force a 6 year old to go but I would ask and let them go if they wanted unless: (1) family dynamics could be a problem, or (2) it was a tragic death and might be too overwhelming. My kids (now 12 and 14) have been to 3 family funerals with the first funeral being at ages 8 and 10. My older child is very social and wants to see all the displayed photos, meet people and see the body and sit up front with the family procession. My younger child takes a book to read, sits in a quiet corner and wants to sit in the back row of the chapel. All fine. Now coming up this weekend we have an out of state funeral and nobody is going with me. It's going to be a landmine of meltdowns and I really want to go but I'm going to be on the sidelines. This is not a funeral for either kid to join me although the older has asked.

[Heartstrings]

17 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

This varies so much.

I am 57 and have never been to a service with an open casket. It is extremely rare in my circles for the casket to be there at all. More often the burial and graveside service are before the memorial service. More and more green burials too, so very quick, while a service may be 1-2 weeks later, to allow people travel time.

That interesting, I’ve never heard of doing the grave side prior to the memorial part.  Where Ian it’s always a viewing the night before, open casket funeral, then graveside service.  

[Terabith]

19 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

More and more green burials too, so very quick, while a service may be 1-2 weeks later, to allow people travel time.

Do you have any information on green burials?  I have family and friends who are interested in it, but it's so hard to find information on how to pre plan a green burial.

[Murphy101]

Me? Birth and up. 

Pets die. People die. Jesus died (and rose).

We go see people at hospitals and nursing homes.

They’ve seen me carried out on a stretch by paramedics.  Same for dad.

My mom died (cancer) in the bedroom next to my preschoolers.

My dad died (hospice for heart failure) in the living room.

Plenty of others have died over the years.

So much of this will depend on what the parent is comfortable with. The kids ime are usually not scared of things unless the parents insinuate they should be. 

They’ll have questions and I’ll answer them.

They can touch. Or not. 
They can look. Or not.

They can cry or not. 
They can laugh or not.

None of us are escaping death so I think it’s important to treat it like the natural part of life it is. 

So far none have expressed in later years that they were traumatized by it. 
 

 

[SKL]

I don't see it as a need given the long distance.  However, I did take my kids to a funeral of a loved one when they were 4 or 5yo.  It was not a big deal, but they probably don't remember it.  I don't think I made them go view the body ... more out of courtesy to more mature mourners.  I don't think they've been to a funeral since then, because, thank goodness, nobody close to them has died.

I guess I'd start by telling your child about the death, and see how s/he responds.  If there is no practical reason not to bring your 6yo to the funeral, and your child is unlikely to be disruptive, it should be fine either way.

I was probably a teen when I went to my first funeral.  It was fine.  I don't think I suffered for not having gone at a younger age.  My uncle died suddenly when I was 7, and I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral; only my 10yo brother was allowed (the 3 left home were 5, 7, and 8).  I was offended, but as an adult, I understand that bringing a bunch of young kids would take away from my mom's goodbye to her brother.

[ScoutTN]

38 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

That interesting, I’ve never heard of doing the grave side prior to the memorial part.  Where Ian it’s always a viewing the night before, open casket funeral, then graveside service.  

The graveside is usually the hardest part for family. Gets that done and they have time to recover and process with their inner circle before interacting with larger groups at the service.

Then the memorial service, which as others have mentioned, is gospel filled and though sad, is also very hopeful. 

[ScoutTN]

37 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Do you have any information on green burials?  I have family and friends who are interested in it, but it's so hard to find information on how to pre plan a green burial.

Here, it seems to work similarly to a funeral home. There are several sites within an hour or so of me. They look like giant parks. You can preplan and prepay. 
 

Idk if the place will do the prep for burial on private property or how it works when it’s last minute. But I am sure you can call and ask. 
 

 

[KungFuPanda]

I would take them at any age. A funeral is never just a funeral. It’s a gathering of family that can go on for hours or days. I dreaded every funeral I’ve ever attended but I’ve always been glad I didn’t miss it. Having children there is a blessing and a comfort. It’s life affirming to spend time with the newest generation and the kid gets loads of attention. It’s good to have the experience so you’re not attending your first funeral when someone very close to you dies. 

[Insertcreativenamehere]

My kids have all been to funerals (my four grandparents and one of my husband's grandparents.) When they were young, we had a plan to take them to a quiet room in case they got noisy/restless. They have done fine, and I think it's important for them to see and connect with extended family members. 

Edited November 27, 2023 by Insertcreativenamehere

[Hyacinth]

Parents need to take into consideration all the things others have mentioned (fussiness, travel expenses, etc.) but my general take is that children of all ages should experience funerals. (And weddings, but that’s another topic.)
 

[Faith-manor]

I think it is fine if you will be able to hang back with your child, and not be super involved with the family of mourners. I say this as someone who was very traumatized at a funeral of a great uncle. I was only five, and the widow was just about as distraught as I have ever seen anyone. Hysterical would not be an exagerration. She tried dragging my cousin and I up to the casket to kiss our uncle. Luckily my mom, who was across the room, was able to intervene. But it was very scary having that hysterical woman demanding we kiss a corpse, and manhandling us.

With out own kids, we kept the kids right by our side and did not sit with family in the front seats if it was an open casket. It was a non issue for Mark's family because his side always cremates, and has a casual, private memorial service at a later date because everyone is so spread out across the country and can't travel at the drop of a hat.

[Jaybee]

4 hours ago, busymama7 said:

I actually really love funerals as weird as that might sound.  I love hearing about people's lives and hearing the stories the family shares.  I mean older adults here. 

I would not say I love them. However, I have very good memories related to my grandparents' and some aunts/uncles' funerals. At that time, visitations were longer, and except for my one grandpa whose body was at his home, they were all at a funeral home. Our extended family plus friends gathered and basically spent a couple of days at the funeral home. Nobody was forced to stay by the body, though I think everybody saw it; nobody was told to touch it or kiss it, but it did bring home the fact that the person was gone, which brought a level of acceptance that has been harder to achieve when a funeral was not attended. We cried, we laughed, the little kids ran around, people got up and went to the body, people went outside for some fresh air, and people told stories. It was a bonding time to my large extended families like no other, and I saw sides of my relatives that I saw at no other time. So even though the grieving had just begun, the healing had too. It was just what families did, and that included the little kids.