What one simple thing do you wish you could go back and teach your kids better?

[Garga]

Mine would be, “DING-Do It Now, Girl (or Guy)”.  It’s a Flylady saying. Flylady is a woman who helps procrastinators and people who don’t naturally know how to keep a house. She has little sayings that help inspire her followers to get things done. One of her sayings is “DING!” which means, “Do It Now, Girl!” When you have a little task to do, think, “DING!” and get up and get it over with. 

I ask DS20 to do something and he…doesn’t. And I ask him, “So, how did X go?” “Oh, I didn’t do it yet.” It’s really frustrating to all of us and I fear that his procrastination will dog him for many years. He’s 20, so I let it go for the most part of course, but there are times I need to count on him and he just doesn’t come through. He’s not malicious or trying to be difficult, but he just doesn’t get the simplest of things done due to some serious procrastination issues.

If I could go back in time, I’d have made “Ding!” a family mantra. 

I’m aware that we can’t know what we don’t know, so I didn’t realize his procrastination was going to be a problem for him. I wish I’d known so I could have helped him when he was younger. I can only do so much now, because he’s a grown man and I can’t really drill it into him the way I could have when he was 8. And maybe even if we’d have said “Ding!” all day long back then, it might not have taken, so there is that.

What things do you look back and think, “Oh I just wish I’d instilled X into them when they were young!” 

[Eos]

I wish I had started languages earlier.  All of mine are good language learners but we had so much time when they were young and so little when they were in high school.  

[HomeAgain]

Better handwriting.  DS23 is a great person.  He's absolutely wonderful in all aspects of his life except 2:

• handwriting
• cleaning his personal areas

I spent years teaching him how to clean up after himself.  He meets his girlfriend's standards right now, so whatever, not my problem.  His handwriting, though...........he learned one way at home then went to school and was taught ZB nonsense, and the two years there destroyed his printing almost entirely. Cursive is fine, but he prints everything and it's a hot mess.  I gave up around 4th or 5th grade and just accepted it was what it was. 

[Ali in OR]

I would have tried to develop a heart for service, thinking of others, making their community better.

[Bambam]

Budgeting probably. We talked about money, wants vs. needs, did consumer decision making (through 4-H and every time we went to the grocery store and most other stores if we bought anything). One does fine with money management. The other has always been clueless. I'm not sure anything would help her, but I wish I would have tried more. 

[Kidlit]

Hmmmm. . .mine is complicated because it mostly revolves around going to school for one of my kids.  This child skipped a grade and so is "behind" in math.  (That's her perspective more than anyone else's.). In hindsight I would've hit 7th grade math harder for her to give her a better foundation.  At the time, though, institutional school wasn't on the horizon.   

[Elizabeth86]

Shoe tying!! They are all terrible at shoe tying. I guess I feel like I should have started at a younger age.

Edited January 16, 2023 by Elizabeth86

[teachermom2834]

To call home.

It’s not awful. We stay in touch. But I wish we had instilled more of a “call home on Sundays” or “call your parents once a week” or something like that. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

1 minute ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Shoe tying!! They are all terrible at shoe tying. I guess I feel like I should have started at a younger age.

My 12 year old still can’t tie his shoes. At this point I don’t really know what to do about it.

[Elizabeth86]

2 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

My 12 year old still can’t tie his shoes. At this point I don’t really know what to do about it.

Right? My 9 and 11 year are awful! They can both tie them, but they are always loose and floppy and come untied quickly. I have no idea. It doesn’t super bother me, but dh is always bitching about it wanting to know “what’s wrong with them” Super Annoying. I was at the chiropractor this week and he was walking out to call in patients and his shoes were never tied. I suppose there is hope. 😂 and slip on shoes.

[Garga]

25 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Right? My 9 and 11 year are awful! They can both tie them, but they are always loose and floppy and come untied quickly. I have no idea. It doesn’t super bother me, but dh is always bitching about it wanting to know “what’s wrong with them” Super Annoying. I was at the chiropractor this week and he was walking out to call in patients and his shoes were never tied. I suppose there is hope. 😂 and slip on shoes.

Can you show them how to double knot? That makes a difference for them not coming untied. 

[Garga]

28 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Right? My 9 and 11 year are awful! They can both tie them, but they are always loose and floppy and come untied quickly. I have no idea. It doesn’t super bother me, but dh is always bitching about it wanting to know “what’s wrong with them” Super Annoying. I was at the chiropractor this week and he was walking out to call in patients and his shoes were never tied. I suppose there is hope. 😂 and slip on shoes.

 

2 minutes ago, Garga said:

Can you show them how to double knot? That makes a difference for them not coming untied. 

Actually, not that I know what I’m talking about exactly. My kids are 17 and 20 and they can tie their shoes, but they have to do the bunny ear method, which looks so juvenile to me. I’ve been thinking I need to pull them aside and teach them the grown up way to tie shoes. 

[Clarita]

10 minutes ago, Garga said:

Actually, not that I know what I’m talking about exactly. My kids are 17 and 20 and they can tie their shoes, but they have to do the bunny ear method, which looks so juvenile to me. I’ve been thinking I need to pull them aside and teach them the grown up way to tie shoes. 

I'm 38 still doing bunny ears. In theory, I suppose I could learn to tie shoes like an adult but as an adult I decided I didn't want to spend effort learning and practicing that. Besides most of my shoes don't even have laces, only athletic shoes have laces.

My kids are little so there aren't any big regrets here. I have noticed the younger one can do things sooner, so there is a bit of "Oh, I could have expected that from the older one sooner...".

 

[itsheresomewhere]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

My 12 year old still can’t tie his shoes. At this point I don’t really know what to do about it.

My 20 year old still can’t.  I even paid for an OT to teach him and they tried for a year.  It is just one of those things that doesn’t compute for him.  He does his own version of “tie his shoes” that is just a way of wrapping the laces on his sneakers uniquely so they are “tied”.   

[Elizabeth86]

53 minutes ago, Garga said:

Can you show them how to double knot? That makes a difference for them not coming untied. 

I have showed them, but often times they just don’t. They do the process right, but it’s like their hands aren’t strong enough to tie them tightly. It’s just very sloppy.

Edited January 17, 2023 by Elizabeth86

[Serenade]

Table manners.  I have one child who has awful table manners. I suppose when he was young, I was fighting other battles, and table manners could easily slide.  But wow.  Now I wish I had taken it more seriously. 

[prairiewindmomma]

39 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

My 20 year old still can’t.  I even paid for an OT to teach him and they tried for a year.  It is just one of those things that doesn’t compute for him.  He does his own version of “tie his shoes” that is just a way of wrapping the laces on his sneakers uniquely so they are “tied”.   

Lock laces are life savers here for one kid who spent a lot of time in OT working on the same skill without mastering it.

[plansrme]

1 hour ago, itsheresomewhere said:

My 20 year old still can’t.  I even paid for an OT to teach him and they tried for a year.  It is just one of those things that doesn’t compute for him.  He does his own version of “tie his shoes” that is just a way of wrapping the laces on his sneakers uniquely so they are “tied”.   

This is so interesting to me. When my son was shoe-tying age, I couldn't make it stick with him, so I put my then-8-yo left-handed daughter in charge. She had him tying his shoes in no time flat. I put it down to her being a lefty, so when she sat in front of him, the steps were mirrored. But she is now 22 and in OT school. Maybe this experience inspired her career choice!

[itsheresomewhere]

41 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Lock laces are life savers here for one kid who spent a lot of time in OT working on the same skill without mastering it.

Bought them and he won’t wear them….  

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, Serenade said:

Table manners.  I have one child who has awful table manners. I suppose when he was young, I was fighting other battles, and table manners could easily slide.  But wow.  Now I wish I had taken it more seriously. 

It's so hard to choose that battle. My eldest is probably at the age where I should be insisting but sometimes it feels like it's a bit much when he's eating the food placed in front of him now I have also have to insist on how he's eating that food, ugh. I was just hoping one day a cute girl would whip him into shape.

[Drama Llama]

41 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Bought them and he won’t wear them….  

Would he wear Kiziks?  Those have been a game changer for kids I know. 

[itsheresomewhere]

6 minutes ago, BandH said:

Would he wear Kiziks?  Those have been a game changer for kids I know. 

These don’t meet the requirements for us for his feet/joints.  They are not the best for those with joint issues.  Plus, they don’t come in fashionable skulls like the case of specialty running shoes I bought.  

[itsheresomewhere]

1 hour ago, Serenade said:

Table manners.  I have one child who has awful table manners. I suppose when he was young, I was fighting other battles, and table manners could easily slide.  But wow.  Now I wish I had taken it more seriously. 

If it makes you feel better-  one of my friend’s has two kids.  Both were tornado kids.  Even with her drilling table manners into both of their heads, only one child had fantastic table manners. The other was horrible.  It wasn’t until the one went to college and discovered that the girls found it unattractive. When he came home at the end of the year, he had some of the best table manners.  To the point the one brother asked if he had been kidnapped by aliens and reprogrammed.  

[Resilient]

Diligence and a better work ethic.  It’s hard to do with academics with a gifted child. Also how to ask for help.  

[SKL]

4 hours ago, Garga said:

Actually, not that I know what I’m talking about exactly. My kids are 17 and 20 and they can tie their shoes, but they have to do the bunny ear method, which looks so juvenile to me. I’ve been thinking I need to pull them aside and teach them the grown up way to tie shoes. 

Little pet peeve here.  My youngest learned how to tie shoes properly at age 3.  Then some preschool teacher did her a "favor" and showed her the "easier" bunny ear method.  Her shoes were constantly coming untied for years after that.

[SKL]

This is hard to answer.  So many things.  And yet, I'm sure I at least tried to teach most of these things!

The table manners thing ... I really worked on it from toddler age.  At some point I was asked by other adults to please stop ruining the meal by harping on table manners.  My kids who were eating with utensils at 1.5 were eating with fingers at restaurants at 8 or 10.  UGH!  (I do think they stopped that, though I don't exactly watch their every move at the table these days.)  I have to believe they "know" manners enough to use them when it counts.

I think the biggest thing here is taking initiative/responsibility, including planning for things they need to do.  At 16yo, I really shouldn't have to remind or nag them to the extent I do.  They are 1.5 years away from college, and at some point this isn't going to fly.  (I do somewhat blame the Covid shutdowns for this ... kids were really held to no standards during online school, so they regressed at an age (9th grade) when they should have made a big leap in responsibility.)

Another clear failure on my part has been teaching my kids to maintain their living areas.  Not that I haven't tried, but I guess my kids needed more training than I had time/energy for.  I might also be too controlling, having seen too many kids stuff food, dirty undies, and garbage everywhere and mix all their toy sets together.  And my kids have always had too much stuff.  But yeah ... we are nowhere near where 16yos should be IMO.

Beyond that ... there are so many things I planned to do with them ....  But I nowadays I tell myself that the things we did instead were fine.  Perhaps I had unrealistic expectations of all of us.

[wathe]

I think the bunny-ear method is totally fine.  It's structurally the same knot as the "adult method" (double slipped square knot).

The trick is to make sure to tie a double slipped square knot and not a double slipped granny knot.

My kids are fine with shoetying (always square!), but I really wish that they had better table-manners.

 

[theelfqueen]

Cover your dang mouth when you yawn. 

What the heck? How did that not stick???

[Carrie12345]

I was going to say I wish I had instilled better work ethic, but my oldest two are actually doing  well. My ASD kid is holding it down amazingly, given ASD factors, and the second one might be a workaholic, which could be the opposite problem.

So I suppose I should hold out hope for the next 3. It just doesn’t really feel like it right now!

[Guest]

I wish I had more actively taught them how to live frugally. I have *modeled* frugal choices their whole lives and I thought they got more of this by observation, but I think one of mine assumed that we just didn’t have the money for certain things. We did; I just liked the game of “how much less can I spend and still have the right thing?” more. One of my YAs is free with money in a way I’m not completely comfortable with. 

[ScoutTN]

Dd, cooking
Ds, typing/keyboarding

[lmrich]

12 hours ago, Serenade said:

Table manners.  I have one child who has awful table manners. I suppose when he was young, I was fighting other battles, and table manners could easily slide.  But wow.  Now I wish I had taken it more seriously. 

See - I even taught Cotillion classes and hired my own children to help. My kids KNOW table manners; they taught them BUT they do NOT use them. No one can set a table correctly when asked and again - they KNOW how! Drives me crazy. 

I think the more I empasized something, the less likely they are to embrace it. 

 

[Serenade]

9 minutes ago, lmrich said:

 

I think the more I empasized something, the less likely they are to embrace it. 

 

Funny how that works.  I get it.  My kid with table manner issues is like that, too.

[Serenade]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

I wish I had more actively taught them how to live frugally. I have *modeled* frugal choices their whole lives and I thought they got more of this by observation, but I think one of mine assumed that we just didn’t have the money for certain things. We did; I just liked the game of “how much less can I spend and still have the right thing?” more. One of my YAs is free with money in a way I’m not completely comfortable with. 

Growing up, I thought the same thing about my parents -- that we just didn't have the money to buy certain things. That was not the case at all -- it was a choice!  My mom in particular was extremely frugal, but she grew up in Germany during and after WW II.

[Serenade]

10 hours ago, itsheresomewhere said:

If it makes you feel better-  one of my friend’s has two kids.  Both were tornado kids.  Even with her drilling table manners into both of their heads, only one child had fantastic table manners. The other was horrible.  It wasn’t until the one went to college and discovered that the girls found it unattractive. When he came home at the end of the year, he had some of the best table manners.  To the point the one brother asked if he had been kidnapped by aliens and reprogrammed.  

HAHAHAHA!    I wish that would happen to my son.  He is in the job hunt right now (just graduated college in December), and my husband and I are really hoping that he doesn't end up with a lunch interview!

[Harriet Vane]

To clear clutter frequently. I've always struggled with the daily discipline of housework. I have one who doesn't like a lot of stuff and whose space tends to be tidy as a result. The other one has clutter ev.er.y.where.

[Tanaqui]

Yeah, tying shoes so they stay tied is not about whether you do bunny ears or the other method, it really comes down to square knot vs granny knot - and, barring that, whether or not you use flat laces, which hold better than round ones.

My younger kid hated tying her shoes and so all her shoelaces are elastic - she ties them once when she gets them, and voila - all her shoes are slip-on!

[Corraleno]

On a practical level, I wish I'd forced my now-adult kids to not only learn but actively practice both cooking and budgeting. DD can cook some basic meals, but she has a boyfriend who literally won't eat anything except junk food and fast food and she is spending all her money on that without realizing what a huge waste it is (not to mention the health impact). She is terrible with money and also very resistant to budgeting; I really despair about this kid's financial future. DS is more frugal and wants to learn about budgeting, but he doesn't really have much experience managing money because he's been in college or grad school full time so his expenses are paid for by scholarships or family. He doesn't like to cook and eats most of his meals on campus, even though he lives off campus and could eat better (and more cheaply) at home.

On a more philosophical level, I wish I had explicitly taught both of my kids more of a "growth mindset." DD does not like to do anything that she is not good at from the beginning; she's given up several activities that she was very good at to begin with, but once things ramped up to a level that required a lot more practice and/or involved competition against people with higher skill levels, she dropped out. She really doesn't like to put herself in a position where she might be embarrassed or look dumb/clumsy/unskilled. DS is the opposite in that he's fine with being "bad" at something in the beginning, and he will push himself really hard, through lots of tears and frustration, for something he's really passionate about, but he tends to focus almost entirely on the negatives and the limitations and to see mistakes and failures as proof that he's stupid or not good enough, and therefore will never achieve the highest level he aspires to, instead of seeing mistakes as lessons that he can use to improve.

[marbel]

To periodically check oil the oil in their own car, and keep track of scheduled maintenance.

(Not that I didn't model that damn near perfectly all their lives, explain the need for it, and ensure that they understand the reason the mechanic puts a sticker on the windshield when an oil change is completed.)

Edited January 17, 2023 by marbel

[WildflowerMom]

Money stuff.   I wish we'd have done some sort of allowance, maybe, and stressed putting this % in savings, this % to spend, this % to give.   

[kbutton]

Mine are so different from each other that I’m not sure what is nurture and what is nature, lol! We are, however, working all the time on being aware of surroundings and context, whatever task we are doing. That seems to require some extra teaching around here and brings up a lot of different skills.

22 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I have showed them, but often times they just don’t. They do the process right, but it’s like their hands aren’t strong enough to tie them tightly. It’s just very sloppy.

Hand weakness can be a thing, but they could be hypermobile. Many connective tissue disorders (especially the common ones) are usually benign, but even then sometimes people have pain and a tendency to injure themselves much more easily. You might want to take some data on this for future reference.

[Jaybee]

I've been thinking about this question, but have had trouble coming up with a clear answer. Mine are all grown now. The trouble is that we tried to cover  and train them in what they needed to be well-functioning adults, and some things took better with certain ones, and other things took better with others. We didn't know until they were grown which things would "stick" with which ones. The one that needed more executive function help--I tried all along, but he didn't pay attention and wouldn't follow my suggestions. The ones that needed more shoring up with anxiety, etc.,--I didn't know that until they moved out. The financial issues--they did great when they were younger, but then spent everything they earned as a young adult. Attempts to make them realize what all they will soon be responsible for have fallen on deaf ears, even though dh and I typed out a full list of everything we could think of that they would need to cover. So...what to do?

I do wish we had worked more on being kind. Our dry sense of humor/sarcasm isn't helpful sometimes. 

[Amethyst]

Agreeing with understanding money better. 
 

But also, I wish I had taught them to sew. Both daughters can maybe sorta kinda sew a straight seam in extreme emergency. But I don’t either of my sons could. I wonder if any of them can sew on a button. Yikes. How did my mom teach all 6 of her daughters to see actual clothes, but I who had my kids at home all day not find the time for this basic skill??

[Farrar]

I wish I'd figured out how to help them really assert themselves. But maybe that was always going to be a losing proposition. I remember them at age 4 standing at the front of the line for a big slide at Cox Farms and getting pushed out of the way by kid after kid after kid. And I finally just had to go in there, put my arm in front of another kid and physically force my kids to take their turn. And sometimes it feels like they never really learned that lesson.

Or maybe I'm just frustrated with some ways that BalletBoy is approaching the world today. Sigh.

[TexasProud]

23 hours ago, Quill said:

I wish I had more actively taught them how to live frugally. I have *modeled* frugal choices their whole lives and I thought they got more of this by observation, but I think one of mine assumed that we just didn’t have the money for certain things. We did; I just liked the game of “how much less can I spend and still have the right thing?” more. One of my YAs is free with money in a way I’m not completely comfortable with. 

Honestly Quill, probably would not have made a difference. We were also frugal.  We explicitly talked and taught and modelled. The oldest and the youngest have learned the lessons VERY well about saving and living under your means. The middle one... I think it is a form of rebellion in some ways and in others, he just doesn't seem to have willpower/planning abilities.  EVERYTHING is done at the last minute.  He tells us we need to live in the moment more. And yes, we do not approve of many of his choices like eating out all the time.  So your child may have a personality issue about this as well. 

[73349]

Transmitting a message coherently.

If person A tells you something, it's a skill to be able to hold it in your mind and communicate it to person B when called upon. Mr. 15 is not particularly good at this.