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[TexasProud]

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Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[Scarlett]

I think this is a problem of privilege.  Even for toddlers too many choices can be overwhelming. Too many toys in the toy chest just end up making a gigantic mess.  
 

Does process of elimination work for you?

[TexasProud]

Yes, exactly, way, way, way too many choices. How do you even know what to eliminate?

[Melissa in Australia]

I find it a strange question. and wouldn't even know how to answer it.

[Katy]

Try something I’m interested in and evaluate it. Sometimes we think we’d like something because we expect it will make us feel a certain way, but in reality it doesn’t give us that feeling so we need to re-evaluate if the thing we’re after is actually a feeling not an experience. 
 

I consistently under estimate how great creative/artistic, nature, and athletic pursuits make me feel. I over-estimate how much other work will make me feel. I like shopping but get much less thrill out of owning most things than I do from finding them, especially antiques at a great price. 

[Emba]

One time I had a really tough choice between two similar options and I made a pro and con list for each of them. I never looked at it again but it helped me organize my thoughts and priorities.

[Bambam]

If it is something like vacation destinations from family input, I'd make a list of pros and cons and possibly a list of can't-miss-items for each destination + estimated (roughly) cost + time needed. Then I'd whittle that down, and present final 2-3 options to family. 

If it is something like a new purse, I'd have to analyze what I like about my current one and past ones, and what I don't like, and try to find a new one that will fit my needs/wants best.  I add it to my wish list or email the link to myself, and go back and look at it a few days-week later.  Do I still think it will work, or was this an emotional choice? (I do like pretty colors!)

If it is something like what to eat for a meal, it really doesn't matter as long as it is something I can eat. Another meal will come along soon, and if I'm still hungry, I can eat then.

Otherwise, you know, if I want it, and it's within our budget, then I'll go ahead and get it if it is on sale or there is just one left. Otherwise, come back in a day or two or week, and see. I've saved a lot of $$ doing this.  Don't buy anything not on sale unless there is an absolute need without time to cool off and reconsider.  Now, this doesn't always work with groceries, we just put the last ketchup in the refrigerator, so I added it to the list so we can have a spare in the pantry - so not absolute need, but that's how I work my pantry with regularly used items.  But if I found ketchup on a great sale, I'd probably buy 2-3 to add to my stock in the pantry because this is a regularly used item. 
 

ETA: When I worked, if there was something I wanted but didn't need, I would calculate the cost in how many hours I had to work for that thing (doesn't work for big things like cars/houses, but does for other things). Would I be willing to work for that many hours for that? Is a purse worth four hours of my life?  This is much harder to do now since I don't work but my DH does. Somehow that equation doesn't work as well if I put his working hours in the question! 

Edited June 13, 2022 by Bambam

[Carrie12345]

Best guesses with the information I have available.
Knowing nothing is static, and therefore nothing is going to be exactly “right” forever.
Trying really hard to remember other people’s thoughts/ideas/opinions/positions shouldn’t be taken seriously.
Putting both chocolate and chips in the pantry and letting my stomach decide.

[TechWife]

I just do. Maybe it’s because I know myself well and am comfortable with who I am. 

Edited June 13, 2022 by TechWife

[Longtime Lurker]

Sometimes we just have to make the best decision we can with the information we have at the time. Sometimes we will regret that choice later and sometimes we will be very happy with it. Pros and cons lists, as others have mentioned, are good. Sometimes just the act of writing those down is helpful. I also sometimes think about what the worst case scenario would be with either choice. I guess it also makes a difference whether you are choosing a purse or, say, a spouse...

[wintermom]

I want a whole lot of things (like a kid in a candy store kind of feeling). I would really like to have/do fewer things (I'm willing to work to achieve). I need much fewer things (What I'll bust my butt to achieve).

What I want is usually looked at long after I've finished dealing with the need items and the really like things. 

 

Edited June 13, 2022 by wintermom

[Ausmumof3]

I know what I want! I want to stay home, potter around the farm, ferry kids to activities and teach them and have enough money to do all the stuff. I want to have an hour or so in the afternoon to sit in the sun and read poetry and pat the dog and I want time in winter and spring to walk and look at all the wild things growing. That’s not an option so looking at all the other options is much harder… I mostly have choices with drawbacks 🙂

Do you have a situation where your gut pulls you one way but intellectually you prefer another way or are you not experiencing any pull in any direction?

[elegantlion]

I use a pro/con list for major decisions. Part of it depends on whether other people are needed to help in whatever the question is. If I need their input, support, etc that factors into the pro/con list. 

I like Wintermom's criteria as well. 

Usually what happens is I make a decision and "panic" for 24 hours over it. If I eliminate the other possibilities, how then do I feel? This allows me to tweak, change my mind, helps point me toward what I really want. 

I also consider how hard it would be to turn back/stop if I make a particular choice then decide it's not the way for me. Most of the choices I'm making are neither fatal nor permanent. 

It's also important to take into account what you want from this decision. Will you learn or experience something new, will it change the dynamic of something else in your life? 

Some of the hardest issues for me are letting go of expectations others have, also the idea that I'm too old, too broke, too (insert whatever) to do something. For instance, I just bought a guitar. I had one years ago and was just learning to play when my life fell apart and I had to sell it. I had a ton of objections in my head about not buying another one.  I'm too busy to learn, I still can't afford lessons, my fingers are short, I know I won't practice hours a day to get really good... I did some research, found guitar lessons online, bought a scale book, bought a parlor guitar instead of a full size model, and set a goal to practice at least 4-6 days a week knowing that I'm not going to get good at it for a while. I bought it mostly to keep my mind busy on something not school related and I find music relaxing. So, when I'm puttering around on it, I'm not thinking about school, about chaos, about anything, and I can feel my body relaxing. I had forgotten how "I" feel when playing a musical instrument. If you had asked me 6 months ago what I did to relax, I couldn't have answered. 

I am a chronic overthinker - sometimes I have to remind myself that either choice would be fine and that, ultimately, I just need to make a decision. 

 

[Rachel]

I think it depends on the situation, but often my husband reminds me that the choices we are making are a choice between two good things. One might be slightly better, but they are both good. 

[Spryte]

I normally just know about the small things.

But if I’m faced with a big, major life decision (like now) and there are both wonderful positives and some rough negatives to both — it’s harder. I have made pros and cons lists (mildly helpful), thought of the best/worst things that can happen, looked at it all from many perspectives, but finally I decided to think of myself, in five years. How will I feel if I didn’t do X? What reason would I give if a friend asked why we didn’t do X, and how will that feel? Thinking of it that way has given a bit more clarity. YMMV.

Edited June 13, 2022 by Spryte

[catz]

One philosophy I've taken to that has gotten me through a lot of hard decisions in life is taking a deep breath and reminding myself that if something isn't working, it is possible to change path and find a better one.  I make the best decisions I can with the info and energies I have available at any given time.  We learn and grow throughout every decision and through life.  I really try to take that to heart and to realize focusing on things in the past as regrets isn't particular productive for me.  I look at those as opportunities to learn more about myself and how I want to use my time and energies.  

 

[J-rap]

I mostly trust my instinct and go with it, but I'm always willing to change my mind and circle back.  

[Clemsondana]

For small things, I tend to just decide, with the assumption that it doesn't really matter, or is easy to change.  For bigger things, at some point I came up with a set of things that I wanted to do - not necessarily all at the same time, but general directions.  Like, I want to mostly be home with my kids. I want to have time to volunteer.  I want to grow at least some of my food because I feel more rooted when something is tying me to natural cycles and rhythms and food feels like a miracle instead of a package.  I want to have flexibility, such that if somebody says 'I need help with that' that I will often be able to help.  I want to teach (initially it was all about biology, which my degree is in, but after homeschooling I've developed an affinity for elementary math and basic phonics).  I can think of others, and these have morphed somewhat over time, but they were the start of a list that I had that wasn't in conflict with any of spoues's goals.  Some people might have family things that require compromise (city vs country living, etc).  As opportunities come my way, I use these to guide whether to say yes or no.  I take into account whether I like the specific thing, but overall I tend to compare the opportunity with the overall goals to see how it fits.  Like, when offered the job teaching at the homeschool co-op I said yes because it fit with teaching but still staying home (I had assumed that those wouldn't be happening at the same time), but when later offered the job of teaching at a local private school I didn't take the job because it didn't fit with staying home. Once the kids are out of the house then I'll likely be balancing teaching opportunities with flexibility to help my parents if they need it.  At some point teaching may cease to be a goal, or may get downgraded so that an hour of volunteer tutoring a week is all the teaching that I want to do.  

I do sometimes rethink the goals, mostly using the criteria of 'Is it useful?'  and 'Is it enjoyable?' with enjoyable being a relative thing.  I don't always enjoy ever minute of volunteer tutoring, but it's rewarding.  But, I switched from one facility to another when scheduling, staff, and programming changes made one place a poorer fit than the other.  I also keep the length of commitment in mind.  In an academic setting, I commit to a semester or a year.  At church some terms are 3 years, while for other jobs you are only committing to a few days, an hour each week, or even a single afternoon.  I'm game to try lots of things short-term, but consider bigger commitments more carefully.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

It doesn’t matter what I want. It matters what God wants. Now for little stuff I doubt that He cares one way or another. Lots of my choices are arbitrary. If I choose raspberry flavor this time, I can choose strawberry the next…. For big crossroads in life I pray. I look at pros/cons. I ask trusted friends. I make sure that things line up with godly principles. And I pray for peace for one choice over another. And many times I still just have to step out in faith and see if it works out or not. If not, I regroup and try again. 

[Annie G]

What I want has to be balanced with whether I’m willing to do what it takes to get it. Sometimes it’s discipline, like the kind needed to lose some weight or get into shape.  Or in another instance I might need to do something painful in order to get to the other side, as an example I have distanced myself from a toxic family member and I’m much happier, but DOING it was hard and messy and painful.   
If I want a vacation I need to watch my budget and sock away money for vacation. That means not going to the movies or eating out any time I want. 
 

So the answer *for me* to your question is twofold. What do I want? Am I willing to do what it takes to achieve it?   

[HS Mom in NC]

It begins with not caring about what others want. Until that happens, you can't truly know what you want.  After that happens then criteria like values, priorities, and practical constraints are the standards to hold options up against so you have a way to start eliminating options.

[DreamerGirl]

The older I get and know myself, it is easier to know what I like. 

I try to experience it if I can and if it gives me joy I continue to do it regardless of if I am good at it.

Big decisions, draw a pro and con list, talk with people and when I was a praying person, pray. 

I have also learned not to focus on assuming that I will like something without experiencing it. It does not live up to my expectations when I finally get to do it  because I have built it up so much in my head or it is disappointing when it does not happen.

So I have let go of thinking I need to do certain things I assume I will like to be happy. If I get to do it, I was lucky. If I did not, that was ok too and that in no way lessens my happiness.

[Tree Frog]

For me, it's not just knowing what I want because it's too easy to get caught up in the decision and miss opportunities. It's taking the action to do something. If I'm dissatisfied with that something, I move on to a different something. So it's not really a 'what do I want' when I have several equaly good competing life choices, it's a 'don't get bogged down trying to find the best thing'. I try to take some sort of action, to do something. Making the shift to action makes it easier for me to narrow down what I'd actually like.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

My first reaction to this question was "I have no idea" mainly because my life experience is so limited I don't know what the possibilities are.  How do I know what I want when I don't even know what is available? This applies to small things (make up, shoes, etc) to large things (trips, cars, etc).
 

[SKL]

Mostly I learn what I want from past experiences of not having it when it would have been helpful.

Sometimes I really don't know what I want, and at those times, I often let someone else choose.  Or I choose "no thank you" or "not now" if possible.

Of course marketers can help with this problem, if you're talking about what book to read, movie to watch, trip to take.  You know basically what you like (mystery, culture, nature, activity ...) which helps eliminate many choices.

[Clarita]

For life decisions, I ask myself "do I want it?" Then I start taking the first steps to achieving it, which is usually researching what it takes to get there. Then I ask myself "do I still want it?" I do tend to just go for stuff and there is at least once in my life where I shouldn't have.

With stuff, I make a note that I want it. I sit on it for a week. Ask myself "Do I want it?" (If I've forgotten about it then I don't want it.) Then I ask myself "Is there something stressful going on?" Then, I check my bank account balance, then I make a point to tell my husband about it. If I jump through all those hoops then I get it. I have struggled with shopping addiction so this method is overkill for anyone else. For the record my husband has never and will never say no to my queries.

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 hour ago, HS Mom in NC said:

It begins with not caring about what others want. Until that happens, you can't truly know what you want.  After that happens then criteria like values, priorities, and practical constraints are the standards to hold options up against so you have a way to start eliminating options.

 

If you live your life like everything is about you and just you then in the end you will have just that, you and only you. What gives life meaning and purpose is involving others, including others, loving others, and thinking about the needs of others. You shouldn't care about the opinions of general people regarding the decisions you make with your life, no, but to not care about what others want and need or how your decisions impact others will lead to a very lonely and meaningless life. 

Edited June 13, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Clarita]

2 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

If you live your life like everything is about you and just you then in the end you will have just that, you and only you. What gives life meaning and purpose is involving others, including others, loving others, and thinking about the needs of others. You shouldn't care about the opinions of general people regarding the decisions you make with your life, no, but to not care about what others want and need or how your decision impact others will lead to a very lonely and meaningless life. 

I think to figure out what you want you have to eliminate the other people noise.  Then, when you know what you want that's when you factor the other people needs and wants in your life. You don't always have to get what you want.

[Ann.without.an.e]

6 hours ago, Clarita said:

I think to figure out what you want you have to eliminate the other people noise.  Then, when you know what you want that's when you factor the other people needs and wants in your life. You don't always have to get what you want.

 

Correct me here but what I’m hearing is “make your decisions selfishly and then if others and their needs can fit and you’re able to take them into account then that’s fine.” It can turn a bit narcissistic if applied to those who are close to you, those who are affected by actions you choose. As someone whose parents were exactly this way, it doesn’t end well when you’re scratching your head wondering why the people you want to be close to aren’t feeling so close in return. 

Edited June 14, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Arcadia]

For medical, whatever is less invasive.

For education, whatever is the most affordable that still fulfil the needs.

For family vacations, we usually let kids have their choices because they aren’t going to be kids forever. My kids go on many trips that are not their choice, like visiting relatives across the ocean, that when there is a choice, its nice to let them choose. 
For cars, we picked based on functionality and then price when we have narrowed down the choices.
Clothing and shoes are easy since its hard to find anything that fit well. So if it fits, is comfortable and the price is decent, we buy.

Food is easy since my husband is the only non picky eater. He doesn’t need to pick while the rest of us know what we want.

[Grace Hopper]

6 hours ago, TechWife said:

I just do. Maybe it’s because I know myself well and am comfortable with who I am. 

Agree. My hurdles are more like figuring out the logistics of how to achieve what I know I want and weighing out opportunity costs not as they affect me, but others I have responsibilities toward. 

[Slache]

Step 1. It's on my heart and mind. It matters to me.

Step 2. I'm actually willing to work for it. I put time and effort into being able to read Ancient Greek, but not being a good writer. I guess despite wanting both I only want one bad enough.

[regentrude]

Are you talking about specific decisions between specific choices for inconsequential things - what to eat for dinner, which movie to watch? Pick one already. Not worth agonizing.

Are you talking about specific decisions between specific choices for more important items - which car, vacation destination, house? Pro- and con list.

Or are you talking about your life's purpose, identity, big plan for the second half of your life? Try a bunch of things and listen deeply inside you which ones spark joy. Then see if you can make it happen.

[TexasProud]

 

nm

 

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[Ting Tang]

I always want chocolate and sugary lattes.  

 

 

[regentrude]

You have written elsewhere about similar themes. It sounds like you enjoy the writing and the blogging (and the videos and podcast making), but are blocked when it comes to marketing it. You know what? You don't have to monetize your blog or your writing. You do not need to obtain legitimization for being a writer by making money - the writing alone suffices.

My advice would be to shelve all the guilt about figuring out the kindle and the copyright and the taxes and simply write. If you really, really want to publish, you will. If it doesn't give you joy, then simply don't. 

ETA: If you are a writer, you find joy and exhilaration in the process of creating. The deadlines, the publishing, the external validations are all nice extras, but the true deep joy comes from the act of writing.

Edited June 13, 2022 by regentrude

[Ann.without.an.e]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, sorry. My daughter sat down and wanted to talk,

……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOL, instead of doing any of this I am on here, or secretly binging a show, or scrolling on my phone even though nothing I look at there interests me, but it takes up time. I feel paralyzed.

 

When I feel paralyzed and zone out it’s usually because I’m overwhelmed. You can be doing very little and yet still feel extremely overwhelmed by all the things that you “feel” that you should be doing. And too many things, even if they are all great things, can spread you too thin and mean you’re not doing anything well. 

Cut it back and focus on one or two small things for a while and see how you feel doing that. If it doesn’t bring you joy and isn’t helpful to you overall, strike it off your list and go to something else. Don’t worry about the opinions of those that aren’t affected by what you do. That was what I was getting at earlier. All those voices that aren’t affected by these decisions, they don’t matter. 

[TexasProud]

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:05 PM, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just now, TexasProud said:

LOL.  The point of my post. How do I decide what I WANT to do???

What do you think would give you the most joy? What is least overwhelming and resource gobbling to try? If something feels overwhelming to start, you’ll keep scrolling and not start anything. 

[WildflowerMom]

When reading through your list, several things revolve around your blog.    If the blog brings you happiness, why not focus on it?    The blog can be home to writing about the mission trips, a future online teaching project, home to a podcast, in addition to what it is now.   You don't have to put the blog in this neat little box.  It's yours.   It can be whatever you want it to be.   

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but the problem is none of that is free. You pay for the domains, for web security, for the post office box you have to have for newsletter, for Canva to create the graphics, for yearly Cyberdirector fees, etc.  I am guessing maybe 1,000 a year on various fees and or programs to do what I need to. So I don't want it to be a money pit. It would be nice for it to pay for itself and maybe just generate a little income. 

Two thoughts:
1. You can simply declare this your hobby and spend the money. Other folks spend money on travel or concert tickets or restaurant meals or garden plants. I spend money on traveling to poetry readings and kayaking trips.

2. You can do many of these things a TON cheaper. I run several websites (one for hiking, one for my writing) and pay about $10 for the domain name. That is the extent of my cost. I use the free version of Canva for my Instagram posts. You can do the newsletter via email. Yes, a quality video editing program costs money, Camtasia is $300initially; $50 renewal/year. (There are free options that aren't as capable) But you can do all the things you want to do for a fraction of $1000 is the cost bothers you.
 

Edited June 13, 2022 by regentrude

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

LOL.  The point of my post. How do I decide what I WANT to do???

Have you ever thought that maybe you don’t really want to do any of it? You spread yourself so thin, working on so many different projects, that I wonder if you really care about any of them enough to focus on them.

Are you sure you aren’t just trying to find something to do so your husband is proud of you? You have said before that he is a real go-getter and that he is always busy, so I can’t help but wonder if maybe you would prefer to have a more relaxing life, yet you feel guilty if you are not constantly working towards something.

[TexasProud]

On 6/13/2022 at 3:11 PM, WildflowerMom said:

 

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

nm

Edited July 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[Catwoman]

Just now, regentrude said:

Two thoughts:
1. You can simply declare this your hobby and spend the money.

2. You can do many of these things a TON cheaper. I run several websites (one for hiking, one for my writing) and pay about $10 for the domain name. That is the extent of my cost. I use the free version of Canva for my Instagram posts. You can do the newsletter via email. Yes, a quality video editing program costs money, Camtasia is $300/year. (There are free options that aren't as capable) But you can do all the things you want to do for a fraction of $1000 is the cost bothers you.

I agree!

Also, TexasProud is not in a tight place financially, so if something she enjoys costs $1000 a year, so what? She can afford it. I don’t see any reason for her to stress over this becoming a money pit, because $1000 is something she can very easily afford.

In my mind, it’s a small price to pay if these things make her happy. Not everything you do has to make money, and often, as soon as you start putting money into the equation, a lot of stress is added and the joy can be lost.

[Clemsondana]

I interpreted the initial post as you looking for something to do, but in reality you're trying to choose between lots of options.  Most of them seem to be ongoing projects, but if there are any that have an end (like the website redesign) then I'd likely do those first.  I like the satisfaction of completing a project sometimes - it can be motivating.  After that, I'd pick 2 projects in different domains (like one in missions and one in education) and work on those.  How to pick...I'm not sure it matters - just pick 2 that look interesting, or you see the most need (like where would your work make the most difference or fill the biggest void).  Maybe 2 with different types of work - one with blogging and another with writing a monthly newsletter.  That might give you some insight as to exactly what fields and types of work you like best and you could guide your future endeavors in that direciton.  I wound up teaching when I discovered that my favorite part of grad school and postdoc science was training the new students, but I had to do various jobs to figure that out.  Since then, teaching been what I do as my minimally paid job and also as part of my volunteer work.  But, it is also not crazy to consider $1000 the cost of having hobbies.  If it helps, think of parts of it as charity, since that's what some of it is.  The travel blog might be a hobby, but a newsletter for a charitble organization and the associated cost is volunteer/charity work.

I didn't think of it until somebody mentioned it above, but it's worth considering whether you want to do any of this.  You wrote in another thread about not having close friends...is this just filling in with busy-ness?  Do you like writing, or would it be better to do something out with people - something that you are not in charge of so that you can be a co-worker instead of a boss?  Or would implementing the teaching curriculum with another person help develop a closer relationship?  

Edited June 13, 2022 by Clemsondana

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Except I am somewhat stuck. Part of it is we need to travel, which we will be so I have more places to write about. Other thing is that I cannot seem to finish any Saturday/spiritual posts. I have written about most topics I feel confident about. The others are so nuanced and I need months to reflect, think, post, etc.  So I have 5 spiritual blogs that I cannot seem to finish because I don't know how.

then don't. The "Saturday Spiritual post" is a self-imposed constraint. If you have nothing to say about that, then write about your mother.
You DO NOT have to write on deadline. NOBODY makes you. Write what gives you joy and let the posts sit. Heck I have poems that I are sitting unfinished for years, and many other writers do too. That's okay.

[WildflowerMom]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Except I am somewhat stuck. Part of it is we need to travel, which we will be so I have more places to write about. Other thing is that I cannot seem to finish any Saturday/spiritual posts. I have written about most topics I feel confident about. The others are so nuanced and I need months to reflect, think, post, etc.  So I have 5 spiritual blogs that I cannot seem to finish because I don't know how.

i'd shelve them for now.    There's a list of things you need to do for the blog: themes, formatting the newsletter, etc.  get that stuff done and off the list.   Finish up the editing for the devotion and make it available on kindle.  Introduce it on your blog and include the link.   
See, I can help you get your stuff accomplished, while I'm sitting here avoiding my own list of things I need to focus on.  🤦🏻‍♀️   

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, nothing really gives me joy at the present time.  Well, talking with my daughter this morning did.  First time something has in awhile. The conference I thought I would enjoy so much, I didn't. 

It sounds like you’re doing a lot of interesting things, but you are being pulled in so many different directions that none of it is fun for you.