Can't even cry...

[BakersDozen]

This is about my mom - right there some of you are wondering how anything regarding her could get any worse? Well...

She's been out of town since August. She packed up her car and headed out across the country to stay with friends - won't be back until February. She has to stay with friends because the one attempt when she stayed with my 2 older sisters resulted in my mom staying in a hotel room instead and screaming at them because she couldn't get her way. Hate-filled screaming. And hate-filled messages...many of them. She completely ruined their Xmas.

I have not been in her house at all since August. Dd and one sibling (for accountability) are the only ones who go over to bring in mail and water plants twice/week. Today I had to go over, though, for dd and found this: 3 bedroom doors, 2 of which were closed tightly. A third door open where dd leaves the mail - it's my mom's "office" of sorts. Nothing is out of place - there is no clutter, surfaces are clear, absolutely tidy. But on the table in the center of the room, right where mail would be placed, is a half sheet of printer paper. Placed where it will not be missed. Large font. On the paper is a chart - a number rating system with categories such as health facilities, outdoor environment, community, etc. Also on the list are her 4 dc - proximity to us, time with us, etc. "Grandkids" is also a category.

My siblings all rate 8-10 as far as my mom wanting to be near them and spend time with them. Grandkids got a 5. I got a 0. Across the board, all 3 items for me, 0.

I know that the only people my mom really likes are those who indulge her, whether because she has them fooled or because they know they don't have to deal with her for longer than a short visit. I know that in order for me to get a positive ranking, I would have to go against what I believe is right and agree with what I believe is wrong (her actions/choices). I know I would have to coddle and spoil and lie in order to earn points. And I know that she hates me with everything in her (although I'm certain she has not read the deposition or I'd have a rock through my front window or something so it is possible that she could someday hate me even more).

But seeing everything I have done for her reduced to a 0 took the wind out of me. And my kids got a 5. And she left that paper right there for me and her grandchildren to see.

She'll never know that I/we saw the paper. There will be no mention of it because that's what she wants - for us to know just how she feels about us.

I can't find the word(s) for how I feel right now. 

No, I guess I feel angry - not at my mom but at my sister and brother who always indulged my mom and will not stand up to her. Their desire to not get involved with her ugliness - to spoil her rotten when she visits then send her home to real life here - has been even more destructive than when my mom didn't live here. They will never tell her she is wrong and enable her while hurting me/us. They cannot stand her - we are all in agreement about how we feel in regard to our mother. But they didn't inherit her living by them and can play this game with a high end score for them and me at 0.



 

[Rosie_0801]

I do hope you think of an enormously passive aggressive response.

(And it's the last thing she ever gets from you.)

[Tap]

I'm sorry. That must absolutely sting.

I hope there is a day.....when this was just one more reason you were able to put her vitriol behind you....and you are in an emotional place that she can no longer hurt you.

I would take the paper, and make one identical to replace it. But, I would replace the zeros, with 5s and put it back. Make her question what she wrote on the paper.  Put zeros in another column instead.  Keep the original, so incase you ever feel guilty in the future, you can pull it out, and remind yourself why you won't buy into her crap again. 

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry.  It hurts.  It's disappointing when someone who is supposed to love us and nurture us - behaves like a mean spoiled brat not getting their way and treat us like it's our fault because we won't worship them.

In the end, you didn't sell your soul for a mess of potage.

In the long run, integrity and self-respect really are worth it.

[BakersDozen]

7 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

In the end, you didn't sell your soul for a mess of potage.

I just wrote that down and posted it by my computer.

 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm sorry.  It hurts.  It's disappointing when someone who is supposed to love us and nurture us - behaves like a mean spoiled brat not getting their way and treat us like it's our fault because we won't worship them.

In the end, you didn't sell your soul for a mess of potage.

In the long run, integrity and self-respect really are worth it.

So well said.  

@BakersDozen  I'm glad you wrote this down and put it where you will see it regularly.  Such an important message.  Sending you hugs.  I've been there too and it can be confusing and hurtful but you know you're doing the right thing.  Keep coming here for support and try to forget and move on from what you saw on that stupid meaningless paper.  ❤️

[Ausmumof3]

This is a level of crazy I don’t think I could deal with at all. You’re pretty amazing to have someone still showing up to get her mail.

[PinkTulip]

I’m so sorry, that is so hurtful. 

[Carrie12345]

I am so sorry.
But I am also so glad that you are in a place where you recognize what’s actually going on here. I know that doesn’t make it not hurt to see, but you’ve done a lot of work to know the truth of all that venom, and the truth is that it is not a representation of you as a person. It’s just a manifestation of one person’s inability to care about anyone but herself.

Wishing you continued healing!

[CTVKath]

Wow. I have no words for that meanness. I'm sorry. 

[lmrich]

That  is just straight up crazy. Are you sure your mom is not in middle school? I can't imagine how you are feeling. 

Is  she paying your dd to water the plants and bring in the mail? I might let her know that  it is too much and she needs to find someone else. 

[chiguirre]

OP, do you have to deal with her at all? Is there any reason that you can't just ghost her completely? I think you've fulfilled your filial obligation to her and no one is obligated to put up with constant emotional abuse.

I'd take a picture of the chart and if your siblings complain about your lack of involvement, I'd send them a copy. That should shut down any attempt at a guilt trip immediately. 

[Storygirl]

1 hour ago, chiguirre said:

OP, do you have to deal with her at all? Is there any reason that you can't just ghost her completely? I think you've fulfilled your filial obligation to her and no one is obligated to put up with constant emotional abuse.

I'd take a picture of the chart and if your siblings complain about your lack of involvement, I'd send them a copy. That should shut down any attempt at a guilt trip immediately. 

I don't know. Depending on their personalities, it might cement any ideas they have that you are not being a good daughter to your mom. They might BELIEVE the chart, instead of seeing it as evidence of the mother's mean-spiritedness. Or not, but it's possible.

[math teacher]

I can't even conceive of someone being so hurtful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Grace Hopper]

Your mother is a very sick woman. I wouldn’t be so quick to believe she thought you’d never see it - the way you describe it sounds intentionally placed. I am very sorry for the ways she has hurt you, and admire your heart for serving her well and properly despite it all. 
 

if it were me, I would get a jersey with a big zero on it and wear it proudly. Because what her giving you a 0 really means is that you refuse to be a victim. That said, I’d also start letting her mail stack up and plants wilt. And keep doing what is necessary to protect my own children from her, be it gatekeeping of younger ones or truth telling to older ones. 
 

I’m so sorry for this hurt in your life. But it’s not you. It’s her. She’s evil. 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[mommyoffive]

That is so horrible.  I am so sorry.   It sounds like it was meant to be seen, which is just so horribly mean.  It hurts so much when someone who is supposed to care for you hurts you instead. 

 

[bolt.]

That's just horrible.

What is the list about though? Is she comparing potential places to live? (If so, the zeros might mean something more like, "How much I want to live near her (not at all)." -- Which is not quite as bad as "She is completely without worth as a person.")

[Grace Hopper]

10 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

On the paper is a chart - a number rating system with categories such as health facilities, outdoor environment, community, etc. Also on the list are her 4 dc - proximity to us, time with us, etc. "Grandkids" is also a category.

My siblings all rate 8-10 as far as my mom wanting to be near them and spend time with them. Grandkids got a 5. I got a 0. Across the board, all 3 items for me, 0.

Was there a title on this chart? Because it does sound like she is ranking things to determine where she actually wants to live. Perhaps you are reading too much into it by thinking it’s a valuation of how much she loves/appreciates you. 

13 minutes ago, bolt. said:

That's just horrible.

What is the list about though? Is she comparing potential places to live? (If so, the zeros might mean something more like, "How much I want to live near her (not at all)." -- Which is not quite as bad as "She is completely without worth as a person.")

This is a great point - the scores could just as easily represent “how likely am I going to be able to get these people to do my bidding without standing up to me.” I hope you can see it that way. This paper says a lot more about her than it does about you. 
 

But of course it still hurts. Many hugs. 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Farrar]

Holy cow. That's just so middle school girls mean.

If she hasn't been in the house, does that mean she left this there for you to find back in August? And was just hoping you'd see it?

Do you have to keep doing things for her like this? I would step back and let whatever consequences happen happen.

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, chiguirre said:

OP, do you have to deal with her at all? Is there any reason that you can't just ghost her completely? I think you've fulfilled your filial obligation to her and no one is obligated to put up with constant emotional abuse.

I'd take a picture of the chart and if your siblings complain about your lack of involvement, I'd send them a copy. That should shut down any attempt at a guilt trip immediately. 

This.

1 hour ago, Storygirl said:

I don't know. Depending on their personalities, it might cement any ideas they have that you are not being a good daughter to your mom. They might BELIEVE the chart, instead of seeing it as evidence of the mother's mean-spiritedness. Or not, but it's possible.

It sounds like OP may be her mother's scapegoat.   The rest of the family will sit back and enjoy NOT being the scapegoat.  When the scapegoat leaves - one of them will become the new scapegoat.  It's just how it works.

1 hour ago, math teacher said:

I can't even conceive of someone being so hurtful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It actually warms my heart you don't understand.  This isn't how families are supposed to work.

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

Your mother is a very sick woman. I wouldn’t be so quick to believe she thought you’d never see it - the way you describe it sounds intentionally placed. I am very sorry for the ways she has hurt you, and admire your heart for serving her well and properly despite it all. 
 

if it were me, I would get a jersey with a big zero on it and wear it proudly. Because what her giving you a 0 really means is that you refuse to be a victim. That said, I’d also start letting her mail stack up and plants wilt. And keep doing what is necessary to protect my own children from her, be it gatekeeping of younger ones or truth telling to older ones. 
 

I’m so sorry for this hurt in your life. But it’s not you. It’s her. She’s evil. 

I agree, nothing on the table but this - it was meant to be seen.

OP- yes, protect your children.  It was my grandmother who did this, but it was my mother who kept trying to convince us we should do whatever we could to gain her approbation.  She never gave approbation, nothing was ever good enough.

Evil is real. I developed my working definition of evil from my grandmother:  Seeks to usurp the agency of another to feed their own ego and self-aggrandizement.  These people might not harm your body - but they will kill your soul.

[Acadie]

That's really twisted. Has your dd seen it? It sounds like it was placed where no one could miss it. 

As a mom I'd be wondering whether my daughter saw it, and what she made of it. I wouldn't want to ask my dds to do favors or work for someone who has pulled something like that. But it's tricky--I also wouldn't want to draw her attention to it if she hadn't seen it somehow. 

And I'd try to figure out how to take care of my heart. I might take a picture of it, to remind myself she's really that awful, and then burn it, so that icky energy disperses in space, and take comfort that the heart of your home and family relationships is nothing like her. Feel good about not perpetuating that sort of crap, so that your children and grandchildren feel loved and respected and appreciated. 

ETA: Or maybe I'd just burn it and be done with it and with her. 

Edited January 23, 2022 by Acadie

[BakersDozen]

5 hours ago, lmrich said:

Is  she paying your dd to water the plants and bring in the mail? I might let her know that  it is too much and she needs to find someone else. 

Yes, dd is being paid. I asked dd if she was sure she wanted to commit to the task and she said she was and has not complained. I was not aware of the paper, though, until yesterday. Dd has not said anything and she's the kind to either not realize what it means or just shrug it off.

[BakersDozen]

2 hours ago, bolt. said:

What is the list about though? Is she comparing potential places to live?

It's a list for whether to move or not so yes, a comparison.

I think what hits hardest is that we literally saved this woman's life by being with her 24/7 initially, going over at the drop of a hat or phone call to pick her up off the floor, pulling together appointments with half a dozen specialists and getting her set up in a medical sense, etc. I remember the night before one appointment and I sent my mom a message reminding her. That was around 7, I think? I know she doesn't check messages until super late but I decided to also call her phone - not a normal thing for me to do. She didn't answer. Waited and called again. No answer. Went over there - dark house, front door locked, saw light from the hallway so maybe she's in bed resting? But my mama/woman's instinct kicked in (which is probably what prompted me to call her and not just rely on a message) so I went around back and through the sliding door. She was on the floor. No phone in reach. Landed herself back in the hospital and then rehab. So many times we have literally helped her back on to her feet and cleaned up the mess from her being off her feet on the floor.

None of that matters to her. It doesn't matter that her grandkids busted their butts getting her into her house. It doesn't matter that they stayed overnight with her so she would not be alone. It doesn't matter that they show her absolute respect and kindness even when she is ugly to them.

I wish I had not seen the paper. Or maybe I am relieved to know where we stand.

 

[BakersDozen]

2 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

Perhaps you are reading too much into it by thinking it’s a valuation of how much she loves/appreciates you. 

I guess if I was the only child on the chart then it would be different. But my siblings are on it and they scored 8-10. And with how my mom openly treats us differently, I don't think I'm reading too much into it. My mom has zero appreciation for me/us now that she is literally back on her feet and independent again. She tolerated me/us when she needed us. Now it's open season - nothing new there.

 

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

.

I wish I had not seen the paper. Or maybe I am relieved to know where we stand.

 

Or maybe both.  I am so sorry.  😞

[Shoeless]

This is straight up crazy. Your mom is nasty and mean. I hope you find the courage to ghost her. If your siblings are such a strong 8-10, then they can have her.

Ive lost all patience and understanding for this sort of family nastiness, and for people that say "But maybe it's not so bad! Maybe you just misunderstood!" No. You know exactly what is going on here. You don't have to take it.

And so what if the siblings think you are a "bad daughter"? You should put up with lousy treatment from your mother so your siblings have a nice opinion of you? How does that make sense. 

I'd drop the whole miserable lot of them. 

 

[kbutton]

4 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

if it were me, I would get a jersey with a big zero on it and wear it proudly. Because what her giving you a 0 really means is that you refuse to be a victim. That said, I’d also start letting her mail stack up and plants wilt. And keep doing what is necessary to protect my own children from her, be it gatekeeping of younger ones or truth telling to older ones. 

I’m so sorry for this hurt in your life. But it’s not you. It’s her. She’s evil. 

I'd like to think this is what I'd do. I can't imagine my own mother being this way. My MIL is only partway there, and that is bad enough. It's taken a lot of time to come to peace with the fact that trying to engage with her is like trying to smack a tar baby. It hurts!

I had a professor that wanted us to think radically differently about education. While the grades on our transcript reflected the normal ABCDF, in class, we were expected to go for an F for Finished. If you didn't get an F on your work, you had to work on it again (or take a traditionally bad grade on the transcript). Take the F in this situation because it means you're doing something right. You've done the hard work to get the honor even if she means it as a demotion.

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

The rest of the family will sit back and enjoy NOT being the scapegoat. 

Yep!

13 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

No, I guess I feel angry - not at my mom but at my sister and brother who always indulged my mom and will not stand up to her. Their desire to not get involved with her ugliness - to spoil her rotten when she visits then send her home to real life here - has been even more destructive than when my mom didn't live here. They will never tell her she is wrong and enable her while hurting me/us. They cannot stand her - we are all in agreement about how we feel in regard to our mother. But they didn't inherit her living by them and can play this game with a high end score for them and me at 0.

I don't know if there are tips on how to deal with siblings in this situation, but I think you need them if there are.

My in-law siblings and any spouses seem to be able to laugh off my MIL, but there are times they do enable. One seems to think it's okay to enable bad decisions ("she deserves it for putting up with xyz"). This one lives far away and tells me I don't owe her anything, but then is friendly/nurturing with her. Fine...she's probably not a full-blown narcissist, but it does make a bigger contrast and makes me seem more mean, and I don't appreciate it. The other is finally learning to draw boundaries, and it helps tremendously. She's physically the closest and has the most to lose when things suck, but she didn't see the connection before. A pseudo-sib (don't want to get into the relationship, but that description works) is also far away physically, and she's in the middle--different age, slightly different relationship, but my MIL more functional than her actual mother, so she views things very differently, and I understand why. She has had her eyes open and has grown in understanding why I am in the position I'm put in, and she seems to be able to interact without making things worse. She's able to relate differently due to not exactly being a sibling, so it's less of a problem when she doesn't get it.

At one point, all of those siblings and pseudo-sib blamed me for the relationship sucking. They would see an improvement in her after I would kill myself interacting with her, and they liked it. They felt like I had talked sense into her and then let everyone down when I stopped engaging. Now they realize it was pretty parasitic, though they'd probably not say so in those words. They've stopped leaning on me when I don't do her bidding.

I am sorry you're in this position, but I agree that being a zero in this case is what you want to be. 

[BakersDozen]

So I just looked at the paper again (I took a picture of it) and one item I missed (there are actually 2 sides to the thing) is Physical Help - having someone help my mom should she fall, etc. That got a 0 for this location/our family as well. What.in.the.gosh.darn.heck?????? I got training to lift her by myself and if I did need help dh or one of the older dc was there in literally a minute. But having physical help gets a ZERO if she stays by us??

 

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

If your siblings are such a strong 8-10, then they can have her.

This is what I'm holding on to given this paper. If my siblings dare to make noise, I have evidence that my help/presence is nothing compared to what my mom expects/wants from them. So they get her.

What would I do without you all? Your advice/insights/wisdom keep me centered and sane.

[prairiewindmomma]

Sometimes, while it is painful, it is such a relief to see things clearly, outside of the tornado of emotional chaos our relatives shove us into.

Here’s hoping this experience helps you have peace and clarity on how to move forward.

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

It's a list for whether to move or not so yes, a comparison.

I think what hits hardest is that we literally saved this woman's life by being with her 24/7 initially, going over at the drop of a hat or phone call to pick her up off the floor, pulling together appointments with half a dozen specialists and getting her set up in a medical sense, etc. I remember the night before one appointment and I sent my mom a message reminding her. That was around 7, I think? I know she doesn't check messages until super late but I decided to also call her phone - not a normal thing for me to do. She didn't answer. Waited and called again. No answer. Went over there - dark house, front door locked, saw light from the hallway so maybe she's in bed resting? But my mama/woman's instinct kicked in (which is probably what prompted me to call her and not just rely on a message) so I went around back and through the sliding door. She was on the floor. No phone in reach. Landed herself back in the hospital and then rehab. So many times we have literally helped her back on to her feet and cleaned up the mess from her being off her feet on the floor.

None of that matters to her. It doesn't matter that her grandkids busted their butts getting her into her house. It doesn't matter that they stayed overnight with her so she would not be alone. It doesn't matter that they show her absolute respect and kindness even when she is ugly to them.

I wish I had not seen the paper. Or maybe I am relieved to know where we stand.

 

It’s crazy. Aside from her being a full-out narcissistic (well, probably in conjunction with it), your presence is probably a reminder to her of her weaknesses, her needful side. Does that make sense? Like you’re a thorn in her side, so she disdains you. 
 

@kbuttonthanks for understanding and better interpreting what I meant by “wear the zero proudly.” OP, I know this will always be a painful relationship for you, but it’s time to stop giving her a way to create new hurts for you. I know that’s easier said than done, but I hope you’ll find a degree of peace by guarding your own heart. 

[Drama Llama]

3 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

It's a list for whether to move or not so yes, a comparison.

 

I am so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like she's horrible, and ungrateful towards you.

If this means she's thinking of moving far away, is that a silver lining?  

[Shelydon]

My father-in - law did stuff like this all the time.  Ranking lists of which of his kids was the best and worst etc.  He had borderline personality disorder, which is very similar to narcissism. My husband and I ended up taking care of him for 5 years because he had dementia and we were not affected/hurt by how straight up mean he was compared to the other siblings.  We had written him off as having such severe issues that you just completely ignore all that comes out of his mouth.  He was in a assisted living were we only dealt with his physical needs (buying extra clothing, snacks, etc) and worked with staff for everything else.  The staff was just horrified and what came out of his mouth about his family. 

I would take a photo of the paper just for future reference if you need it to show a health professional.  Having information like that helped a neuropsychologist do a differential diagnosis for mental illness vs. dementia.  I would not go 'above and beyond' to help her.  Watering her plants is fine.  She needs to find someone else to take her to the doctor and do all the other things.  You cannot win this.  She is sick and will not ever get better.  My FIL died hating me to his core.  I took care of the driving to the doctor, bringing him meals from favorite restaurants, picked up meds for nursing, grocery shopping etc.  (I did this because nothing he said fazed me, it hurt his kids to be called worthless idiots).  It really is ok to turn her care over to a stranger that doesn't care how she behaves.  Good luck! 

[BakersDozen]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

If this means she's thinking of moving far away, is that a silver lining?  

Yes. If she leaves, it will be wonderful for all of us (which is so sad, really - all these people here and she can't get along with any or be happy). I suspect my brother - the one who coddles/spoils my mom because he knows he only has to put up with her for a week or two each year - is pushing her to stay here because he doesn't want her there.

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, Acadie said:

That's really twisted. Has your dd seen it? It sounds like it was placed where no one could miss it. 

As a mom I'd be wondering whether my daughter saw it, and what she made of it. I wouldn't want to ask my dds to do favors or work for someone who has pulled something like that. But it's tricky--I also wouldn't want to draw her attention to it if she hadn't seen it somehow. 

And I'd try to figure out how to take of my heart. I might take a picture of it, to remind myself she's really that awful, and then burn it, so that icky energy disperses in space, and take comfort that the heart of your home and family relationships is nothing like her. Feel good about not perpetuating that sort of crap, so that your children and grandchildren feel loved and respected and appreciated. 

ETA: Or maybe I'd just burn it and be done with it and with her. 

Don't assume your dd hasn't seen it.  It was in the office room where she wanted mail put.  
Your dd probably doens't know what it means, or what to say - otoh: she probably knows it isn't "good".   I wouldnt' ignore it.

[footballmom]

She created a rubric for “Who Enables My Abuse” and you got a zero.  Congratulations!

I would be super hurt but it would solidify and enforce any boundary I needed to draw to no longer accept additional abuse.  I’m sorry.

[saraha]

I’m sorry, hugs to you and your kids

[Indigo Blue]

22 minutes ago, footballmom said:

She created a rubric for “Who Enables My Abuse” and you got a zero.  Congratulations!

That’s genius.  OP, this is truth. I hope you can begin to see it this way. 
 

 

[NorthwestMom]

41 minutes ago, footballmom said:

She created a rubric for “Who Enables My Abuse” and you got a zero.  Congratulations!

I would be super hurt but it would solidify and enforce any boundary I needed to draw to no longer accept additional abuse.  I’m sorry.

Yes she did. This is an excellent way to look at it. 

[Garga]

I would stop watering the plants and getting the mail.  And never talk to her again. Enough is enough.

[Grace Hopper]

3 hours ago, Shelydon said:

My father-in - law did stuff like this all the time.  Ranking lists of which of his kids was the best and worst etc.  He had borderline personality disorder, which is very similar to narcissism. My husband and I ended up taking care of him for 5 years because he had dementia and we were not affected/hurt by how straight up mean he was compared to the other siblings.  We had written him off as having such severe issues that you just completely ignore all that comes out of his mouth.  He was in a assisted living were we only dealt with his physical needs (buying extra clothing, snacks, etc) and worked with staff for everything else.  The staff was just horrified and what came out of his mouth about his family. 

I would take a photo of the paper just for future reference if you need it to show a health professional.  Having information like that helped a neuropsychologist do a differential diagnosis for mental illness vs. dementia.  I would not go 'above and beyond' to help her.  Watering her plants is fine.  She needs to find someone else to take her to the doctor and do all the other things.  You cannot win this.  She is sick and will not ever get better.  My FIL died hating me to his core.  I took care of the driving to the doctor, bringing him meals from favorite restaurants, picked up meds for nursing, grocery shopping etc.  (I did this because nothing he said fazed me, it hurt his kids to be called worthless idiots).  It really is ok to turn her care over to a stranger that doesn't care how she behaves.  Good luck! 

I remember once I had an issue with another resident mistreating my parent in a nursing home, so I spent a lot of time up there visiting and communicating with staff members. It was then a nurse told me, people think it’s really sad that family doesn’t visit often, but there’s always more than one side to a story, and many unvisited elders have spent a lifetime alienating their own children. 

[kbutton]

3 hours ago, Shelydon said:

I would take a photo of the paper just for future reference if you need it to show a health professional.  Having information like that helped a neuropsychologist do a differential diagnosis for mental illness vs. dementia.  

Excellent point

[Melissa in Australia]

huge hugs

[Soror]

I'm sorry your mom is an a$$hole. I think it is better to have seen the note, even if it is more pain now. If you had any doubt before about what kind of person she is-- now you know.

[Bambam]

Am I the only one who wonders why someone else didn't already remove that note and toss it in the trash where it belongs???

What I would do:
If the two picking up the mail and watering the plants are adults, I would ask them if they want to continue or if doing that is a burden. If they say it isn't, then I would not fill in again if there are any holes in coverage. It is what it is.  If they say it is a burden, then they (if they were assigned by your mom) should contact her and let her know she needs to put her mail on hold (easy to do online) and make other arrangements for her plants.  If you volunteered them, you should contact Mom and tell her the same thing. If the two doing the chores are not adults, I'd probably tell them they don't have to do it anymore. If she raises any fuss, I would text her a picture of the note and say, "REALLY?" But I don't take kindly to this sort of mistreatment and don't always deal nicely with it. 

Of course, I would check this plan with my DH who would probably calm me down, and we'd continue down the same path of picking up mail and watering plants, but we'd be looking for any way possible to actually move away from her.  (This is why having a DH is a good thing for me!)

To me, being gone for several months (since August and it's mid January now) is a huge deal and I don't want to put that burden on anyone else - picking up mail and watering plants. I'll put the mail on hold with USPS (or forward it to wherever) and I'll give my plants away or just plant them in yard and take what happens to them or put them out by the trash with a "free" sign, and someone will probably take them. 


 

[KungFuPanda]

That score might be good for you. If she’s considering a move to be nearer to another sibling, you absolutely come out ahead. I would refuse to allow anyone to treat me this way. Living in the same town does not mean you have to interact. You are choosing to deal with her and getting hurt every time. You CAN opt out. 

[readinmom]

Looking at the note in a different perspective here...

Your mom is realizing she's at the point where she is about to lose control of her life.  The reason you have 0s is because you have the ability to give her exactly the care she needs, and in her mind, losing the last of her independence. She feels she can still manipulate others, hence the higher scores.  

You're mom is never going to change, only get worse as time goes on.  You are not responsible for her venom.  You can only offer what you have done so far, in offering support/care.  I'm so sorry that your dd, you ever saw the note.   As a previous poster said, please take a pic of it, because if she is hospitalized, it will go a long way in determining her long-term care.

Hugs, hugs, hugs to you...I know you are hurting.