How do single parents function?

[BlsdMama]

Seriously?

Sometimes people joke about, when their spouse is on business, how hard it is to single parent.  But, how do you just be eternally "on"?

I've been feeling less than awesome lately and we're back to re-evaluating putting the youngest couple in school.  (Back story for those who are new or might have missed it - I have motor neuron disease and it's becoming more likely that it is ALS, but a very slow form.  I'm two years into my diagnosis but I can still currently walk, though it's becoming a challenge.)

Because we put the two littles in school when I was diagnosed for a year, I'm very cognizant of how hard the mornings are - getting food on the table, gather the stuff, get them dressed, out the door and all in time for the bus.  

I honestly don't see how my DH is going to pull this off.  There is not going to be $$ for help.  I don't qualify for SSDI because of lack of work credits, and we make too much for SSI.  (And in case you think, well, if you make that much you can squeeze it out - anything over $2k per month would be too much.)  And the expenses are mounting because we need to begin getting wheelchair accessible.  We've swallowed about $35k in medical expenses in the past 2-2.5 years out of pocket.  (My total bills are astronomical -plus travel back and forth to Mayo, but we've had good insurance, even if the premiums and deductibles are high.)  We've cut expenses to the minimum - DH drives an extremely old and paid for car and my van is paid for in July! 😉  We have very little debt overall.

I already feel like the girls are doing way too much, but I'm not sure that can be helped.  I've never been one to expect the kids to do more than me - we all just work together. However, that's changing as I can only do less. 😞  I can still do some limited housework, but the amount of work it takes to keep this family running is boggling.  I've just never struggled with energy and I wake up exhausted.  We think my ability to breathe might be taking a hit, so maybe I'll feel a lot better with a bi-pap.  I have an appointment today to check iron levels, etc., and another to check my breathing on Friday and clinic in July. (My doc is out June.)

I am very worried for my DH.  He really is Super Man  - he works a very demading job and even more so lately, then he comes home and we take turns cooking (kids, me, DH) and he just jumps in wherever he can.  I can't even imagine throwing in a morning routine too.  Even Super Man can only do so much.  


What useful and functional things can I do to begin this transition from me running the ship to them?

Things I thought of today:
Teach the middle two to braid and/or "fix" their own hair.  I generally do this.
Really promote autonomy - I baby the youngest four probably more than I ought.  I'm the one to brush their hair, but I like it and it looks nicer when I do it, lol.  But maybe not the best long term solution.

As far as housework, honestly, everyone does pitch in.  I don't think maybe the understand the level at which it's going to kick up.  Everyone from 10 up pretty much washes/dries/puts away their own clothes.  They clean their own  rooms and I am far less picky.

Thinking about decluttering DRASTICALLY.
We have a HUGE coat closet where everyone's spring and winter coats are hung year-round.  There is a huge rack for the littles to put their shoes so anyone can get them easily.  There are hooks at their level so they can hang their own backpacks and/or coats, rather than hangers.
I think they really are so good - they baby me a lot.  I think they get this from my husband and my oldest boys.  Even William (4) opens EVERY door for me and waits for me to walk through it.  I admit this disease really brought out sweetness in every one of them, it's just hard to watch how much they do.  😞 But, that said, we don't have a lot of discipline issues, etc. these days to deal with.  If I ask something, they do it.... with the exception of middle DS, but he's good as long as he takes meds.  I'm worried that between puberty and challenges, he'll start to resist this,, but I *think* he understands the importance of continuing.
 

[Pen]

It’s probably in your dig, but I cannot see that. What are their ages?

Are they homeschooling or in a brick and mortar?

Bsically, single parenting is hard.

 

[gardenmom5]

my mother was widowed when I was 12. I was the youngest, and my siblings could only politely be called "handfuls".  they had PMI on the house, so it got paid off and we stayed in it. (the only reason we did.)

she didn't.  she gave my dad's car to my brother (he was 15).  he was supposed to drive me to dr. appointments.  he was always late, I now realize - she told him when the appointment was and he thought that was when he was supposed to pick me up to take me.

while most grandparents step in (I have a very good friend whose dh's large family really stepped in - her family was 900+ miles away, but did what they could), mine didn't.  my paternal grandmother disowned us because she so angry at my mother.  my maternal grandparents didn't do much.  I remember them taking my sister to ortho appointments, but that's it and pretty sure that was before my dad died.  my grandmother probably gave her money for things (fit into her npd mentality, money was control and source of adulation.)

[sassenach]

Part of me would say to you, as I would to any parent, don’t do for them anything that they can do for themselves. But the other part of me thinks, just baby them. Brush their hair. Let them feel their mama’s hands against their scalp and her voice behind their ear.  

They will adapt as needed. They’ve already shown you that. So don’t worry about that part. 

[Pen]

My situation is that I am a single parent, and was a child of a single parent. And have had friends in both situations. I also had a couple of female friends die leaving single parent fathers   And my son has a couple of friends with widowed single parents.

 

if you give your kids ages and genders I can give specific ideas for specific problems like hair. 

More generally, margins are needed, in terms of how to Do things because there won’t be another person to pick up the slack other than the kids. 

 

[SKL]

I'm sorry you are suffering.  And I'm glad your whole family is stepping up.

Don't feel badly about asking your older kids to help more.  There are several of them so it isn't like you're asking one person to do a ton of work.  When I was 12, it was my job to get my toddler brother ready for preschool every morning, and he wasn't the easiest kid.  (I also cooked 3 days weekly, cleaned the kitchen / bathroom / 2 bedrooms, helped with laundry and childcare in the evenings, etc.)  My elementary-aged sibs and I also got ourselves ready, ate breakfast, and walked to school after our parents both left for work.  Was it perfect, no, but it was good enough.

Maybe you could assign each of the youngest kids to one of the older ones to take care of.  The older responsible child would take care of making sure both older and younger has clothes ready for morning, is bathed / groomed, eats breakfast, and gets ready on time.  Older can also be teaching younger some basic life skills and school things when they are not doing school themselves.  This is good life experience, and they may thank you for it later, even if they don't love it every day now.

I agree with letting your girls do their own or each other's hair.  I hear you about liking to do it, but if they "can" handle it, I think they should.  If they can't get all the knots out every day, maybe you could do it once or twice a week rather than every day.

As far as chores, as long as the kitchen and bathrooms are done, babies are tended, and you don't have animal droppings around the house, the rest can be done only occasionally.  I would ask each kid to take something out of the main room every time they go to their room, unless/until the main rooms are all clean.  Once in a while have a day dedicated to cleaning their bedrooms.  In between, as long as they don't have food, animals, or dirty laundry in there, it's OK.  The older kids should have no problem doing the sweeping, vacuuming, mopping, and dusting once a week or so.

Your older kids can also cook.  Luckily you have several kids to spread the work.  At least 4 of them are old enough to prepare a full dinner; the other 3 days can be something easy you do with the youngers or pizza / leftovers / sandwiches / McDonalds.  Whoever didn't cook helps to clean up.

As for how this single mom does it - not being a morning person, I tend to go on autopilot in the a.m.  When they were younger, I made sure they had all their school clothes laundered on the weekends - hanging outfits together so nobody needs to think in the mornings.  Now, I still try to do that, but it's my kids' responsibility to make sure their preferred clothes are ready.  Baths are at night so there is no rush.  In the morning, they wash, dress, and comb before coming down for breakfast.  Breakfast is something very quick, unless they want to come down early and cook it themselves.  Do I yell sometimes, yes, but usually there isn't a lot of drama in the a.m. because I try to keep it simple.  Also I don't try to do anything else in the "getting ready for school" window, because that throws everything off kilter.  After the kids leave for the bus, I can think about other responsibilities.  In your case, you may want to give your homeschoolers something to do in their rooms while you (or your husband) are helping the b&m school kids to get ready.

Edited June 5, 2019 by SKL

[HomeAgain]

My mom was essentially a single parent (dad had a demanding, away from home job much of the year).  I think sometimes she was superwoman - every morning she got up and made our lunches, usually from scratch. She took us to early morning activities (6am) before going to work.  Came home, ran the house, volunteered, and ran until about 10pm when she crashed.  On the flip, we learned from an early age how to cook, take care of ourselves, and well, we settled minor squabbles but not always in the best way or being taught how to do so.  I think our relationship suffered some - doing everything meant that she wasn't there to talk to.  Conversations were usually a dictation of what we should do and not any real depth about how we felt or guidance in how to handle things.

I'm reading my kid the sequel to Cheaper By The Dozen right now, Belles on Their Toes.  The parents knew the dad was going to probably die early and so they prepared for it as much as possible.  In Belles, the mother single parents children from age 2 to 19, develops a career, and still maintains that balance of being there for her kids emotionally.  But even there, the house only runs as smoothly as all the participants are willing.  The children all have their parts and responsibilities to shoulder some of the load.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, sassenach said:

Part of me would say to you, as I would to any parent, don’t do for them anything that they can do for themselves. But the other part of me thinks, just baby them. Brush their hair. Let them feel their mama’s hands against their scalp and her voice behind their ear.  

They will adapt as needed. They’ve already shown you that. So don’t worry about that part. 

I was kind of feeling the same way.  Kelly you don't know how quickly this disease will progress.  You just keep taking care of yourself and letting others help you do that.  Teach your kids like you always have.  Put them in brick and mortar if you need to.  Morning routines are tough, but you have older kids who I am sure can step in and help.  Creating routines and helping kids learn to care for themselves is part of normal parenting. 

As far as how single parents do it? It is tough in some ways.  My mom did it with only 2 kids....I was the oldest and I helped a lot....My little brother never was good to help.  With more kids there is more to do but there are more kids to help.  Sounds like you have done a fantastic job of raising them so far so I am confident they will continue to pitch in and help their siblings and parents.

[catz]

You have a lot of kids.  Give yourself and your husband some grace.  If your kids go to school, maybe give the teacher a heads up that it's going to be an adjustment.

We used preschool/school for a few years.  My spouse always left too early to be part of that launch.  Some things I found helpful was just having batch prepared food or quick food for breakfast at the ready.  Egg bakes/quiche, boiled eggs, crock pot oatmeal to warm up, cold cereal, toast/peanut butter, whole grain muffins, bagels, grab and go fruit options, yogurt, etc can all be put together very quickly to eat.  Lining up things the evening before - clothes for the next day, packing the back pack.  Everyone had an alarm clock.  I had an intercom I put up near the kids bedrooms I could start talking into if they were moving too slow.  I think most NT kids with guidance can build this into habit if talked through it and with natural consequences there will be at school .  I have always liked the idea of teaching kid  to be age appropriately self reliant and help each other instead of having one kid take direct and complete responsibility for another where there be more room for resentment later.  I think it will benefits the youngers later if they have age appropriate jobs and are taught the skills as they are capable of handling them.  I.e. Big sibling puts together oatmeal while little sibling carries back packs to the front door and packs themselves a snack for the day, brushes their hair, etc.

I had a grandmother that was one of the oldest of 12.  Her father left them so her mom was a single mom.  She was hurt and damaged by the way her and her oldest siblings had to step up.  I suspect her mother had mental illness as well and just shut down.  It definitely affected how she parented.  She had 2 very widely spaced kids and never wanted more than that.   She had younger siblings that were needy and incapable into adulthood, some to this day.   I am absolutely not trying to draw a parallel to your situation.  You are obviously a very engaged and loving parent.  I just think it's good to be checking in with everyone regularly to make sure they are emotionally doing ok.  If an older is "failing" in a responsibility for a younger regularly, maybe they're not ready for that responsibility and you need to do some rearranging rather than punishing an older.   I think puberty years can be especially self absorbed and air headed and I think it's good to allow some grace for that.  Maybe middle DS is just responsible for himself if he's at a harder place right now.  

I don't think you need to think in terms of anyone being a single parent.   You and your husband can do and direct and teach and are obviously super loving parents.  If you need to make a change, the habits will build.   It sounds like you have wonderful children and are raising them well.  Many hugs!  ❤️

[J-rap]

I wonder that sometimes too.  I became like a single parent for many years, but my kids were much older.  (My youngest was 13 I think.)  I didn't ask my older kids to, but they all took turns coming home for a semester at a time, one even moving back to our town for several years.  So, they stepped in a lot -- taking their young siblings to doctor appointments, to sports events, to senior-class meetings.  One of my dd's completely took over cooking dinner for several years.  (Lucky me, she loved cooking and wanted to do that!)  We also had many good friends and family members who stepped in (although all family members lived 3+ hours away). 

I know it would have been very different if my kids were younger and completely depended on me.  My sister was a single parent for many years with very young kids.  She moved into a house 5 blocks from my parents' home, and my parents became like her kids' second parent.  My mother was at her house every single day helping.  My dad took the kids to school events, watched their basketball games, helped with homework, etc.  

I think when it catches one by surprise, it's harder.  I do know many single parents, some single right from the start, and they adapt.  They develop a system that works.   Things like being better organized, dropping chores and expectations that don't really matter, letting/asking family and friends to step in help, taking advantage of community and school supports for children (even things like the free breakfast program many public schools offer now, no questions asked) and after school clubs... I would think that all of those things would help.

In your case, I think the three practical biggies are meals, laundry, and caregiving (for either children or spouse).  Interestingly, these are the three things my siblings and I have learned we need to put in place for my dad to allow him to keep living in his home as he cares from my mother.  We've hired someone who comes one day/week to catch up on all of his laundry.  That's a huge deal...  it would get out-of-hand very quickly if he didn't have that.  He has a meal service that delivers frozen meals to him once/week.  (In your family's case, just getting okay with eating simply -- meals like canned soup and sandwiches, frozen dinners, boxed dinners, and having each child be responsible for putting their own dishes in the dishwasher).  And then systems in place to help with childcare -- whether that's helping them become independent, older siblings helping youngers, relying on school supports, maybe hiring someone to come to your house for a couple hours after school, etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[chiguirre]

I'm not a single mom but I did the morning routine single handedly for many years with a severely autistic ds, higher functioning ds and neurotypical dd. We homeschooled ds2 and dd, but ds1 has always gone to a day therapy program and I had to drive him. While I drove, ds2 had in home ABA therapy so everyone had to be up and ready to roll by 8. We managed this by being a finely oiled machine.

Everyone had to pick clothes the night before if they had a preference or I just laid out their next "uniform" (ds1 doesn't vary his clothing styles). Everyone had to dress themselves. Even ds1 could do this from the time he was 5 or 6. I'd think a NT Ker could definitely dress themselves. I cooked ds1's breakfast (ham, eggs, toast, everyday) and packed his lunch at the same time. I had this down pat to about 7 minutes. Ds2 and dd got their own breakfast (usually cereal at that age). In your situation, I'd opt for school lunches if possible to eliminate that step. I'd have the kids eat easy to prep breakfasts that they can get on their own. Backpacks were packed the night before. Shoes and jackets lived in the laundry room and did not move from there. When ds2's therapist walked in the front door, ds1, dd and I walked out the back door and got in the minivan. I found that it was best not to have more than 5 extra minutes so that no one thought they had time to play or goof around. Time pressure keeps the forward momentum going.

I'd process all of your elementary aged children together. They all lay out clothes the night before. Backpacks, shoes and jackets ready to go. Make sure you check for parent signatures required the night before. Set out what they'll need for breakfast on the counter and treat it as an assembly line. Wake them up and get them going. Check every 5 minutes or so to make sure they're proceeding (more for your peace of mind than for them to stay on track). The key to success is to have everything ready the night before so that morning is pure routine.

 

[OH_Homeschooler]

You just do. You find ways to cope because you have no choice. 

Your husband is not going to be a single parent though. You may not be able to pitch in physically in the future, but you are going to be there to give input, help with planning, and guide your kids to do things. 

I recently became a single parent overnight. My husband is alive, but inaccessible (long story). I struggle with the day-to-day keeping up with chores, but what I wouldn't give to still have a partner to help me make decisions. To be there to play with one kid when another really needs my attention. Or just to be there at all. I lost my support system that would be cheering me on when I'm ready to give up. But you'll be there to do that for your husband and that will make a huge difference. 

Practically, you lower your standards for yourself as a parent, and you make new priorities. You don't beat yourself up if the house isn't as clean as it used to be. You let the kids have cereal for dinner sometimes. In fact, I have found that my food spending has dropped dramatically because I'm not as worried about having "perfect" meals all the time. I hate the hassle of ordering fast food, so I don't even do that anymore, which has saved money. Last night I boiled a pot of noodles and one kid had jarred marinara, two kids had jarred Alfredo sauce, and another just sprinkled parmesan on hers. Everyone was happy and it was fast and cheap. Maybe not ideal nutritionally, but it worked. 

My kids are doing fine. They are now public schooled because I work full-time (we lost 2/3 of our family income because my husband lost his job-so money is a struggle for us). The kids managed to keep doing well during this major transition. I prioritized homework over housework. First thing they did after school was get their homework done, then they did their assigned chores. They each get a set allowance for their work. This has actually saved me money too, because instead of buying them whatever they want out of guilt for how crappy things have become, they now have their own money to spend. If they can't afford it, they can't get it. We got into a natural routine and help each other out, and we are gentle on each other when one is having a bad day. It all works out in the end. 

I'm tired and burned out. I don't live near family, and even if I did, I know his family would not offer to lift a finger to help us out as they've all turned their backs on me and our kids, to support him at any cost. I'm trying to release my anger about all that has transpired to free up some space in my brain. And I remind myself that things are not going to be like this forever. The kids will become self-sufficient and I'll eventually get a night or two off. That helps me get through the really long days.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. 

Edited June 5, 2019 by OH_Homeschooler

[sweet2ndchance]

My first husband was in the military and constantly gone, only home long enough to get me pregnant was the running joke. After he and I divorced, I was a single mom raising 5 kids for a few years. I remarried and had one more child by my current husband who was then diagnosed with a chronic debilitating illness that has only gotten worse and worse over the years. "It is what it is" has been my motto for many many years now.

Having systems so things run on autopilot without me having to constantly do everything was what kept me sane most of the time. When my kids were in brick and mortar school, lunches were prepared the night before and backpacks were gathered and hung, ready to go the next morning before the kids went to bed. I didn't do the actual organizing of this, they did, I just supervised and made sure it was done. I had a designated place for them to put all the papers I needed to see and sign for them. If it didn't get put in mom's school papers folder, I didn't bail them out by rushing around to get something done for them. They took responsibility for making sure their school things were in order and accepted the consequences for not keeping up with it and making sure they had everything they needed. In that way, they did have to grow up a little faster than their peers but it did turn them into responsible teens and young adults who were recognized for their responsibility even by their teachers and others outside of their family.

Yes, I could do my daughters' hair much nicer than they could usually but they learned to do a better job with their hair because I let them have some autonomy with their hair starting in late elementary school. Sometimes, a little peer pressure can do much more than mom's nagging when it comes to personal hygiene and grooming of preteens. Of course I won't let them leave the house so bedraggled that they would be bully targets or teachers would question their home environment but a sloppy ponytail or messy bun or braid was just something I had to let go of sometimes. As a single parent, there were far more important things to worry about than perfect hair.

Of course I would have much rather have been some kind of June Cleaver-esque super mom who sent her kids off to school with a homemade breakfast and sack lunch with perfectly pressed clothes and neatly combed hair from a spotless house with a smile on my face every morning but that was not my reality. My reality was that my kids had to pitch in and help me and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact it produced very responsible and compassionate children/young adults who aren't afraid to lend a hand anytime it is needed. I may not have given my children the exact childhood I wanted them to have but I did raise little humans who grew into the kind of adult that I am proud to have had a hand in raising.

[TheReader]

I don't have any answers, other than simplify as much as possible, but really, I have no clue. 

I just couldn't read your post w/o sending hugs, prayers, etc. I can't imagine going through what you're going through, and having to prep the family for what seems to be the eventual inevitability. ((((hugs)))))  I'm sorry you're having to face this. 

[mumto2]

First I just want to remind you that you are present in your kids and husbands live’s and that is everything.  I am not a single parent but I do have back issues and have spent months on bed rest so hubby has been on his own more than I wanted.  I haven’t been able to do everything since before my kids were born.  Hubby likes to vacuum which is great because that is something that triggers my back etc.

I would work towards making many jobs around your house ones that the majority of your family can do.  For instance laundry, I have to dirty clothes hampers that equal the size of one load in my washing machine (IKEA storage boxes in reality) that sit in a corner of our bedroom and my kids and husband have been taught to sort between the them.......towels etc in one,  heavy clothing like jeans another,  shirts etc......they stain treat their own clothing as needed, show me if it doesn’t appear to work, and carry the clothing to the washer when a bin is full,  carry empty bins back upstairs.  The clean folded clothing ends up sitting in the living room until someone carries it upstairs when I remind them.  I can handle the in between parts but you should teach everyone who can reach in the washing machine so you just need to ask them to switch the loads and start a new one.  The hampers equaling one load has been the key. 😉  Clean not perfect is the aim.

Meals.......perhaps start having the heavy groceries delivered as soon as that service arrives in your area.  Collect recipes for easy crockpot meals, the 5 ingredient ones, and work so everyone has a couple of meals they can start in the crockpot.......yes it adds to the mornings so the littles might be your weekend chefs.  As opposed to doubling you might want to use two crockpots so everybody gets their turns.

 

[BlsdMama]

4 hours ago, Pen said:

It’s probably in your dig, but I cannot see that. What are their ages?

Are they homeschooling or in a brick and mortar?

Bsically, single parenting is hard.

 

17 (and in college except for math), 15 (part time college next semester and part time HS), 14 (LD, Dyslexic, ADHD, ODD, but doing really well with meds and remediation), 12, 10, 9, 8, 6, and 4.

All are currently homeschooled.  The ALS Clinic outcomes and the respiratory tests this week and in July will determine if we continue or not and precisely who will stay home and who will go.

 

3 hours ago, sassenach said:

Part of me would say to you, as I would to any parent, don’t do for them anything that they can do for themselves. But the other part of me thinks, just baby them. Brush their hair. Let them feel their mama’s hands against their scalp and her voice behind their ear.  

They will adapt as needed. They’ve already shown you that. So don’t worry about that part. 

This was sweet.  I think all those things too.  ❤️ Thank you.

3 hours ago, Pen said:

 

More generally, margins are needed, in terms of how to Do things because there won’t be another person to pick up the slack other than the kids. 

 

I think this is a good mindset - I need to discover how to create margin for them.  We've begun to simplify.  I bought frozen waffles for like the first time in ... forever? 
 

3 hours ago, SKL said:

 

Maybe you could assign each of the youngest kids to one of the older ones to take care of.  The older responsible child would take care of making sure both older and younger has clothes ready for morning, is bathed / groomed, eats breakfast, and gets ready on time.  Older can also be teaching younger some basic life skills and school things when they are not doing school themselves.  This is good life experience, and they may thank you for it later, even if they don't love it every day now.

Your older kids can also cook.  Luckily you have several kids to spread the work.  At least 4 of them are old enough to prepare a full dinner; the other 3 days can be something easy you do with the youngers or pizza / leftovers / sandwiches / McDonalds.  Whoever didn't cook helps to clean up.

I think, if I'm being realistic, this is how it will have to be.  I hate it.  We've worked for 23 years to make sure the kids wouldn't resent being part of a big family.  No one was ever "Mom" to a little sibling - that was my job.  We made them help, absolutely, but I suspect because it's been SUCH an ingrained goal in my head, I always guarded it carefully.  Now those guards are going and I really fear hearing, "My mom wasn't able, so we just did everything."  Shudder.  Even worse, "Yeah, my sisters pretty much raised me."  Man, I hate when I hear stuff like this.   I wonder if any of it is outlook.  Like, "Yeah, my sisters raised me," verses, "We all pulled together to love and care for the family after Mom got sick and died."  Is that narrative something that can be fostered and created?

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I was kind of feeling the same way.  Kelly you don't know how quickly this disease will progress.  You just keep taking care of yourself and letting others help you do that.  Teach your kids like you always have.  Put them in brick and mortar if you need to.  Morning routines are tough, but you have older kids who I am sure can step in and help.  Creating routines and helping kids learn to care for themselves is part of normal parenting. 

As far as how single parents do it? It is tough in some ways.  My mom did it with only 2 kids....I was the oldest and I helped a lot....My little brother never was good to help.  With more kids there is more to do but there are more kids to help.  Sounds like you have done a fantastic job of raising them so far so I am confident they will continue to pitch in and help their siblings and parents.

Thanks Scarlett - they are great kids.  I wish they were rotten, lol, then maybe I'd think, "Good, let 'em feel the weight of responsibility," lol.  :P I do have older kids who will step in - but that's so hard.  17yo is really killing it - she's been taking college classes, working, and doing extracurriculars.  She drives DD15 around too.  DD15 has diagnosed anxiety,  we were told very much like high functioning Asperger's, and the coping with many moving parts is going to be a challenge.  Our goal for her is to intro as much as possible so it's easier.  She's starting CC next semester.  I don't know how well she will handle juggling an exhausting home life with the rigors of working and school.  The 14yo has a big enough job handling himself.  Then the 12yo and 10yo are really naturals as far as juggling and organization - but they are 12yo and 1oyo.

To be crass? Once I'm dead, everything is easier.  I have two life insurance policies and it will go a long way to getting household help so DH can *just* focus on kid care, rather than managing a home.

3 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

You have a lot of kids.  Give yourself and your husband some grace.  If your kids go to school, maybe give the teacher a heads up that it's going to be an adjustment.

We used preschool/school for a few years.  My spouse always left too early to be part of that launch.  Some things I found helpful was just having batch prepared food or quick food for breakfast at the ready.  Egg bakes/quiche, boiled eggs, crock pot oatmeal to warm up, cold cereal, toast/peanut butter, whole grain muffins, bagels, grab and go fruit options, yogurt, etc can all be put together very quickly to eat.  Lining up things the evening before - clothes for the next day, packing the back pack.  Everyone had an alarm clock.  I had an intercom I put up near the kids bedrooms I could start talking into if they were moving too slow.  I think most NT kids with guidance can build this into habit if talked through it and with natural consequences there will be at school .  I have always liked the idea of teaching kid  to be age appropriately self reliant and help each other instead of having one kid take direct and complete responsibility for another where there be more room for resentment later.  I think it will benefits the youngers later if they have age appropriate jobs and are taught the skills as they are capable of handling them.  I.e. Big sibling puts together oatmeal while little sibling carries back packs to the front door and packs themselves a snack for the day, brushes their hair, etc.

I had a grandmother that was one of the oldest of 12.  Her father left them so her mom was a single mom.  She was hurt and damaged by the way her and her oldest siblings had to step up.  I suspect her mother had mental illness as well and just shut down.  It definitely affected how she parented.  She had 2 very widely spaced kids and never wanted more than that.   She had younger siblings that were needy and incapable into adulthood, some to this day.   I am absolutely not trying to draw a parallel to your situation.  You are obviously a very engaged and loving parent.  I just think it's good to be checking in with everyone regularly to make sure they are emotionally doing ok.  If an older is "failing" in a responsibility for a younger regularly, maybe they're not ready for that responsibility and you need to do some rearranging rather than punishing an older.   I think puberty years can be especially self absorbed and air headed and I think it's good to allow some grace for that.  Maybe middle DS is just responsible for himself if he's at a harder place right now.  

I don't think you need to think in terms of anyone being a single parent.   You and your husband can do and direct and teach and are obviously super loving parents.  If you need to make a change, the habits will build.   It sounds like you have wonderful children and are raising them well.  Many hugs!  ❤️

 I think maybe I miscommunicated.  I'm not thinking in terms of not enough hands (i.e., as a single parent.)  My husband will be a single parent.  I am currently diagnosed with PLS. PLS has a very high likelihood of turning into ALS. (90-93% within four years.)  PLS does not affect breathing.  It currently appears my breathing is becoming affected.  If this is so, then it has progressed to ALS.  ALS has a short window of survival.  It is my DH becoming single I am trying to help while I still can.  I'm trying to brainstorm ways in which I can facilitate easier transition.  ALS & PLS both take movement but also voice, so there is a window in which I can communicate.  We actually didn't see this coming.  It was probably super naive.  But I've been doing really well - progressing but no breathing issues and only very limited swallowing issues.  My care ALONE is going to be overwhelming - all dressing, bathing, toileting, everything.  And then him being a single parent.  This is unfathomable.  Two years in and it hadn't really hit me until the last week or two where I've been getting short of breath.

3 hours ago, chiguirre said:

I'm not a single mom but I did the morning routine single handedly for many years with a severely autistic ds, higher functioning ds and neurotypical dd. We homeschooled ds2 and dd, but ds1 has always gone to a day therapy program and I had to drive him. While I drove, ds2 had in home ABA therapy so everyone had to be up and ready to roll by 8. We managed this by being a finely oiled machine.

Everyone had to pick clothes the night before if they had a preference or I just laid out their next "uniform" (ds1 doesn't vary his clothing styles). Everyone had to dress themselves. Even ds1 could do this from the time he was 5 or 6. I'd think a NT Ker could definitely dress themselves. I cooked ds1's breakfast (ham, eggs, toast, everyday) and packed his lunch at the same time. I had this down pat to about 7 minutes. Ds2 and dd got their own breakfast (usually cereal at that age). In your situation, I'd opt for school lunches if possible to eliminate that step. I'd have the kids eat easy to prep breakfasts that they can get on their own. Backpacks were packed the night before. Shoes and jackets lived in the laundry room and did not move from there. When ds2's therapist walked in the front door, ds1, dd and I walked out the back door and got in the minivan. I found that it was best not to have more than 5 extra minutes so that no one thought they had time to play or goof around. Time pressure keeps the forward momentum going.

I'd process all of your elementary aged children together. They all lay out clothes the night before. Backpacks, shoes and jackets ready to go. Make sure you check for parent signatures required the night before. Set out what they'll need for breakfast on the counter and treat it as an assembly line. Wake them up and get them going. Check every 5 minutes or so to make sure they're proceeding (more for your peace of mind than for them to stay on track). The key to success is to have everything ready the night before so that morning is pure routine.

 

I think maybe simplifying their clothing is going to be a good first go-to.  The middles really count on others to pick out their clothing.  We've started simplifying breakfast.  Thank you Costco.  I think we need to start utilizing alarm clocks again.  We did preschool but it was insane.  Constant "pajama days" or "yellow day" or bring your teddy bear.  I can't imagine being DH, taking care of me, taking care of them, being out the door by 7 for work, working 9 hours, then coming home and repeating.  Honestly, I can't wrap my head around it.  Today we have four dentist appointments.  Tomorrow we have three more.  Next month, two more and an ortho appointment.  This is only the 6 month visits.  We just got done with all the eye appointments.  Two weeks ago, DS had a concussion.  This week DD had cellulitis from a BUG BITE!  Then a rock hit my van window.  It took him two hours to get a tarp to cover it nicely until the man comes to fix it on Thursday.  It's just run of the mill chaos.  I just don't know how he'll do all of this.  

 

2 hours ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

You just do. You find ways to cope because you have no choice. 

Your husband is not going to be a single parent though. You may not be able to pitch in physically in the future, but you are going to be there to give input, help with planning, and guide your kids to do things. 

 

I should have explained better.  Please see above.  

[BlsdMama]

1 hour ago, mumto2 said:

First I just want to remind you that you are present in your kids and husbands live’s and that is everything.  

 

I should have explained better.  I'm thinking a couple years from now.  Like what I can do right ow to prepare from when I am not present.  Respiratory issues in motor neuron disease are serious and progressive, so trying to be realistic.

[catz]

I'm sorry for misunderstanding! 

[prairiewindmomma]

A few thoughts....

1. If breathing is going, your speaking voice will change. If you haven't already done voice recordings or video of you reading books to your kids/grandkids---even short picture books, do that now. Likewise, if you are going to use a dynavox or something, you might ask at the breathing clinic about how to capture your voice for that if that's important to you or your family. When dd had to start using a dynavox as her mouth motor skills went, there was a generic voice, and that upset her and her brother (who was 3 at the time). 

2. I would absolutely to a purge/clean out if one needs to be done. Don't waste time being sentimental about it; you've got more important things to spend time on. But if you need to purge the kitchen or the kids' wardrobes, do it.

3. What are your intermediate plans for when you need more care? Are you going to have people at church bringing meals in or cleaning regularly? Is family going to step in? Are you going to hire nurses? What is day to day functioning going to look like? We had varying levels of support.  I've watched other friends (including some with ALS) go through similar dynamics.  The ones who were able to effectively utilize support were really open (it takes bravery and vulnerability) about what they needed----like utilizing a whiteboard in the kitchen with general chores.  When people ask, "What can I do to help?" Be really specific---"I need someone to mow the lawn weekly for as long as it takes to get through the journey."  Or....if someone is stopping by--having a list of chores up with things like unloading the dishwasher, or scrubbing the toilets---where people can tackle a chore or two and move on. Even if your kids can manage a number of things themselves, having a grownup come scrub along with them helps them feel supported (and raises the general bar, a bit, too). 

When ^dd^ needed 24/7 high level care, I labeled all of the kitchen shelves--plates, cups, silverware, and had a simple sketch taped to the fridge so that anyone stepping in to my house could empty the dishwasher.  I put all of the cleaning supplies in one area (and had a list, so if something ran low dh knew what to rebuy) and bought a box of vinyl gloves so people felt comfortable cleaning our bathrooms.  I made a binder of preferred recipes, so if someone wanted to make us something to eat but didn't know what we liked, they could make something that was really loved and remembered. (Pizza was ok too!)

I have a few more thoughts, but I have to run.....will try to chime in later.

[Tanaqui]

BlsdMama, I agree with you that it's really awful for parents to knowingly have more kids than they can handle and then make their kids raise each other (and themselves).

But that's not your situation. Your situation is that you've done your very best, and now you're sick. I think that's very different and most children automatically understand the difference. There is a big psychological difference between "We had to do everything because Mom and Dad wouldn't" and "We had to step up because Mom was very sick".

With that said, they might surprise you! When my kids learned to do their own hair, they didn't allow me to touch it! If I did, they'd redo it on their own as soon as they had a chance. Oh, god, it was awful. They were so messy! I'd pick the younger one up at school and say "Don't blame me, she did her own hair this morning." But they liked being grown-up enough to do their own hair, without needing to rely on me.

The older one was in kindergarten when she learned to make pancakes - man, it sounds so young now! - and she made them twice a week for months. She loved being grown-up enough to handle breakfast while an adult discreetly sat in the kitchen and pretended we weren't supervising.

When they started going to the store on their own, when they started going more distant places on their own (or with each other) - they loved being trusted to do these things.

Sometimes, more responsibility is a privilege, not something to resent.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

2. I would absolutely to a purge/clean out if one needs to be done. Don't waste time being sentimental about it; you've got more important things to spend time on. But if you need to purge the kitchen or the kids' wardrobes, do it.

 

Sensible advice. Relatedly, now is the time to start stocking up the deep freezer with stored meals. When things get really bad, nobody is going to want to cook... and weekly cooking assembly day can be spun as "family time" if you play it right and finish off with a movie and popcorn.

[SKL]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

...

I think, if I'm being realistic, this is how it will have to be.  I hate it.  We've worked for 23 years to make sure the kids wouldn't resent being part of a big family.  No one was ever "Mom" to a little sibling - that was my job.  We made them help, absolutely, but I suspect because it's been SUCH an ingrained goal in my head, I always guarded it carefully.  Now those guards are going and I really fear hearing, "My mom wasn't able, so we just did everything."  Shudder.  Even worse, "Yeah, my sisters pretty much raised me."  Man, I hate when I hear stuff like this.   I wonder if any of it is outlook.  Like, "Yeah, my sisters raised me," verses, "We all pulled together to love and care for the family after Mom got sick and died."  Is that narrative something that can be fostered and created?...

I would not assume there will be resentment.  I have never resented the privilege of caring for my much younger siblings.  And it's not like you are handing a wee baby off to a teen to "raise."  Your kids are all older and will all remember the times when you had a lot to give.  And if they are helping each other with some of the tedium, you will have more energy to make more enjoyable memories.

Another thought - this may be your best opportunity to pass down parenting wisdom to your kids.  Believe me, it will be valuable when they have their own kids.

If you spread these responsibilities among your older kids, it will be well within reasonable levels of responsibility for their ages.  I think it may be time to "let it go" as far as wanting to do it all yourself.

[mumto2]

I am sorry I misunderstood.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.  

 

[Reefgazer]

NM.

Edited June 5, 2019 by Reefgazer

[katilac]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

Like, "Yeah, my sisters raised me," verses, "We all pulled together to love and care for the family after Mom got sick and died."  Is that narrative something that can be fostered and created?

I do think that narrative can be fostered. I also think that verbally acknowledging that stepping up to the plate is going to suck sometimes, and that it is noticed and appreciated, goes a tremendously long way. 

But try to not think about it as "my sisters raised me" versus "we all pulled together." Because both of those things are going to be part of their reality, it's not either/or. I've often said that my oldest sis was like my second mother, not in a negative way or as a slam against anyone, but simply because it's true! There would be no authentic way to frame my narrative that would not include that acknowledgement. So, yes, absolutely, encourage them to think of themselves as a team working together for the family, but please don't be distraught at the thought of the littles viewing their older sibs as parental figures. It's not a bad thing in and of itself. It's not the same as having sixteen kids with the plan being that the older ones would intentionally be responsible for the younger ones from day one. If it truly worries you, go ahead and write a letter for them to read in the future that talks about how you never planned for that (and how it never happened before you got sick, bc the young ones are unlikely to remember that). Tell the bigs how much you appreciate knowing that they will be there for their sibs, and tell the littles how much you wish it could have been you. 

Sentimentally, make a point of taking lots of photos doing things with the kids (reading to them, playing games, brushing their hair). Try hard to have a couple of pics of you alone with each child. When you can't do as much, it will be a wonderful and comforting memory to them. 

Okay, on to practicalities. If your church is not aware of how your illness has progressed, and the amount of help your family is going to need, make them aware right now. Lay it out there and just say, we're hoping for some help. It's hard to ask for help, so very hard, but people want to help. Have a list of absolutely everything you would welcome help with, both for the church and for anyone who asks: Make a meal. Mow the lawn. Take the kids to the park. Be the organizer of other helpers. Drive them to piano lessons. Be on the list to pick kids up at school when they are sick. Whatever. List every last thing, you can curate the list before sharing it if you wish but you don't want to forget things. 

If you have a good friend willing to take point on organizing other helpers, that's ideal. They can suggest things you never would, like, hey, if you don't want to cook a meal, give them a restaurant gift card! It also helps prevent having 3 people offer rides one week and zero people the next. If they are making a list to be shared with other people, "coordinate a benefit" should absolutely be on it. Someone might know a guy who knows a guy, and benefits around here tend to raise quite a bit of money even though it's not an affluent area. When my cousin needed to do some renovations so her child with leukemia could sleep alone in a more sterile space, someone hosted a benefit that raised over $20,000 for them in one day. 

Do not turn down any help just because you don't completely need it yet! If someone wants to make a meal, a donation, or mow the lawn right now, you go ahead and let them. People want to help. 

[freesia]

I absolutely think you can spin the narrative.  I think how you do it is using that language—we are all pulling together to make our lives work.  We need to be a team more than ever. Coming from you and dh.  But also make room for dissent and unhappiness.  Yes, I know this is hard and a lot of work. I’m sad that this is the way it is, too. But I’m so glad that you can be part of making this work.  I love you so much.

i think that your youngest can get used to a morning routine.  They aren’t that little—except the four year old.  You could have the older ones on a weekly rotation with him so it’s not too much for anyone.

I think they will be alright. You are such a great Mom.  Echoing what others have said—kids know the difference between working hard bc of this type of situation and working hard bc the adults aren’t taking responsibility for their choices.

i would keep doing hair as long as I could.  They can learn to do that in one day if they needed to.

Edited June 5, 2019 by freesia
Ones not son

[catz]

i absolutely think you can have high expectations of team work and pitching in without creating resentment.  As long as kids feel heard and respected and have space and time to have friends and age appropriate outlets, I absolutely think all can be well there.  I just do think some families in crises just don't have the ability to acknowledge or prioritize that end of it.  Just having awareness of creating the right tone is going a long way in that direction.  You already have kids that are doing well in this regard.  I like how freesia put this.  

[Pen]

I haven’t been able to read all the replies since I last checked in, but wanted to say even if it’s a repeat:

A friend of mine who died of cancer somehow had a life insurance policy start paying out while she was still alive and things were hardest and most expensive.  There was a special name for doing that, which I cannot recall, but I think it would be worth finding out if your life insurance policy (iirc you wrote you have life insurance) has such an option. 

[katilac]

15 minutes ago, Pen said:

I haven’t been able to read all the replies since I last checked in, but wanted to say even if it’s a repeat:

A friend of mine who died of cancer somehow had a life insurance policy start paying out while she was still alive and things were hardest and most expensive.  There was a special name for doing that, which I cannot recall, but I think it would be worth finding out if your life insurance policy (iirc you wrote you have life insurance) has such an option. 

If it's a whole life policy that you've had for some time, yes, there are ways to withdraw some money or even cash out the policy. You don't have to be sick to do this. 

https://www.fbfs.com/learning-center/can-i-cash-in-a-whole-life-insurance-policy

Edited June 5, 2019 by katilac

[prairiewindmomma]

37 minutes ago, katilac said:

I do think that narrative can be fostered. I also think that verbally acknowledging that stepping up to the plate is going to suck sometimes, and that it is noticed and appreciated, goes a tremendously long way. 

But try to not think about it as "my sisters raised me" versus "we all pulled together." Because both of those things are going to be part of their reality, it's not either/or. I've often said that my oldest sis was like my second mother, not in a negative way or as a slam against anyone, but simply because it's true! There would be no authentic way to frame my narrative that would not include that acknowledgement. So, yes, absolutely, encourage them to think of themselves as a team working together for the family, but please don't be distraught at the thought of the littles viewing their older sibs as parental figures. It's not a bad thing in and of itself. It's not the same as having sixteen kids with the plan being that the older ones would intentionally be responsible for the younger ones from day one. If it truly worries you, go ahead and write a letter for them to read in the future that talks about how you never planned for that (and how it never happened before you got sick, bc the young ones are unlikely to remember that). Tell the bigs how much you appreciate knowing that they will be there for their sibs, and tell the littles how much you wish it could have been you. 

Sentimentally, make a point of taking lots of photos doing things with the kids (reading to them, playing games, brushing their hair). Try hard to have a couple of pics of you alone with each child. When you can't do as much, it will be a wonderful and comforting memory to them. 

Okay, on to practicalities. If your church is not aware of how your illness has progressed, and the amount of help your family is going to need, make them aware right now. Lay it out there and just say, we're hoping for some help. It's hard to ask for help, so very hard, but people want to help. Have a list of absolutely everything you would welcome help with, both for the church and for anyone who asks: Make a meal. Mow the lawn. Take the kids to the park. Be the organizer of other helpers. Drive them to piano lessons. Be on the list to pick kids up at school when they are sick. Whatever. List every last thing, you can curate the list before sharing it if you wish but you don't want to forget things. 

If you have a good friend willing to take point on organizing other helpers, that's ideal. They can suggest things you never would, like, hey, if you don't want to cook a meal, give them a restaurant gift card! It also helps prevent having 3 people offer rides one week and zero people the next. If they are making a list to be shared with other people, "coordinate a benefit" should absolutely be on it. Someone might know a guy who knows a guy, and benefits around here tend to raise quite a bit of money even though it's not an affluent area. When my cousin needed to do some renovations so her child with leukemia could sleep alone in a more sterile space, someone hosted a benefit that raised over $20,000 for them in one day. 

Do not turn down any help just because you don't completely need it yet! If someone wants to make a meal, a donation, or mow the lawn right now, you go ahead and let them. People want to help. 

This.....and.....accepting help is a way to form community support around your family. If you have good friends who are offering to step in—especially if they have kids the same age as yours—let them. Your kids will likely all need safe people to talk to other than you and your dh....people who will +1 your kids as they go and do things like prom dress shopping.

[Tanaqui]

Oh, here's another thought. Right now, call all your medical professionals and ask if there is any paperwork you can sign so the oldest kids (the ones who aren't adults yet) can go themselves. Even if all they go alone for is things like flu shots and routine dental cleanings and having their braces tightened and getting a note for school because they had a cold, that frees up a lot of time for the grown-ups - who, of course, would still be there for bigger ticket visits.

[sweet2ndchance]

4 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I think maybe simplifying their clothing is going to be a good first go-to.  The middles really count on others to pick out their clothing.  We've started simplifying breakfast.  Thank you Costco.  I think we need to start utilizing alarm clocks again.  We did preschool but it was insane.  Constant "pajama days" or "yellow day" or bring your teddy bear.  I can't imagine being DH, taking care of me, taking care of them, being out the door by 7 for work, working 9 hours, then coming home and repeating.  Honestly, I can't wrap my head around it.  Today we have four dentist appointments.  Tomorrow we have three more.  Next month, two more and an ortho appointment.  This is only the 6 month visits.  We just got done with all the eye appointments.  Two weeks ago, DS had a concussion.  This week DD had cellulitis from a BUG BITE!  Then a rock hit my van window.  It took him two hours to get a tarp to cover it nicely until the man comes to fix it on Thursday.  It's just run of the mill chaos.  I just don't know how he'll do all of this.  

 

Another quote for you...

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

That quote has proven to be true for me over and over again. I'm willing to bet that your dh will be able to handle whatever life throws his way, the good and the bad, the easy and the difficult. ;-)  Have you asked him what he thinks could be done now to help him in the future? What are his worries and concerns about his expanding roles as your health decline? He might be the type to not worry about those bridges until he gets there and that's okay. My dh is like that but he has never failed to step up and keep our family going in the day to day things when I could not do it myself. It may not have been how I would have done things, but he is capable and able to handle it when I can't and that's all that matters.

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

To be crass? Once I'm dead, everything is easier.  I have two life insurance policies and it will go a long way to getting household help so DH can *just* focus on kid care, rather than managing a home.

As blunt and awful as the words sound and the reality is, I think that bit of jarring information might need to be communicated to your support network pretty directly. Not to close friends or close family who probably already understand this on some level and are grieving, but potentially to people who are willing to help, but don't get the context. It doesn't have to come from your lips.

You need a sustainable interim plan for an unspecified amount of time (vs. during chemo, recovery from surgery, etc.). That's very unusual. The long-term game plan for your family's practical needs exists, and it is even financed; it's just not accessible in the interim. 

How much you share is your business, but I think if you have the emotional support to be frank, people will embrace the uncertainty of your interim needs.

I think it's reasonable to be bold in your request. 

Perhaps it would be meaningful and kind for you if a friend who's got "connections" is willing to be sort of a case-worker/buffer/advocate for your family and explain the needs and goals you'll have to people vested in helping you. Maybe someone is willing to do that for you, even someone you don't know that well yet. 

59 minutes ago, Pen said:

I haven’t been able to read all the replies since I last checked in, but wanted to say even if it’s a repeat:

A friend of mine who died of cancer somehow had a life insurance policy start paying out while she was still alive and things were hardest and most expensive.  There was a special name for doing that, which I cannot recall, but I think it would be worth finding out if your life insurance policy (iirc you wrote you have life insurance) has such an option. 

So glad a couple of you mentioned this. I don't know the ins and outs either, but I think one of our policies does this.

I think the fundraising option someone brought up is a good idea too. That's something my hometown did well--most people there aren't affluent, but they would do motorcycle rides, raffles, or spaghetti dinners to raise money for practical help or unpaid medical bills. Here, I see go-fund me pages more often. 

This book is not intended for situations like yours, but it is intended to help parents teach children how to run and manage a home and to have an attitude of "we're in this together" about household functioning. It might give you seeds of ideas you can implement even if that idea is just how to pitch these changes to your children in a positive way. It's written from a Christian perspective, which I suspect would be a bonus for you. The entire goal is to help you figure out what works for you, so it's full of anecdotes from all kinds of people, not just the author. The title is a bit jarring, but it's not a harsh book at all. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1258614.Children_Who_Do_Too_Little

[Melissa in Australia]

no advice just hugs - huge huge

[Pen]

2 hours ago, katilac said:

If it's a whole life policy that you've had for some time, yes, there are ways to withdraw some money or even cash out the policy. You don't have to be sick to do this. 

https://www.fbfs.com/learning-center/can-i-cash-in-a-whole-life-insurance-policy

 

Here’s an explanation regarding when there’s sickness— seems it can be whole or term insurance, but exact details (and availability) depend on policy. Taxation and withdrawal are favorable in the terminal illness case compared to ordinary withdrawals or cashing out. 

It says the person has to have a year or less to live, but I think the irl person I knew lived quite a lot longer than that. 

 

https://www.kiplinger.com/article/insurance/T034-C001-S001-tapping-life-insurance-when-you-re-terminally-ill.html

Apparently according to another thing I saw while googling some policies also have special riders for help in case of terminal illness. 

[Pen]

Single parenting issue related: 

 

1) one thing to know is that there seems often to be more societal help for men doing this than women — that should help your dh

2) don’t try to figure out too much too much in advance.  For example, one friend who died had me promise that I’d be available to help her daughter get her first bras and understand about  relationships and sexuality when the time came for that—but by that time the widowed husband was remarried to someone who seemed like a nice stepmother, not a wicked stepmother, and it seemed to make much more sense for the stepmother to do those things.  Though certainly I’m available if needed, and try to check on how my friend’s dd is doing from time to time.

3) otoh, do try to make decisions about funeral etc yourself ahead of time. My son’s biological father died this past December. It was hard enough to get a call at 2AM that he’d died, but things he’d done in advance to set up after death arrangements made a huge difference. He’d already chosen cremation and what funeral home, and that the ashes would be sent to his bio (my adoptive) son.  Huge, huge, huge lessening of stress and decision making came from that prearrangement.  Things not set up in advance are still problems and stressors I’m dealing with.

He hadn’t made clear whether or not he wanted his body donated for science or to be a donor for transplants or similar—and that made for stressful dealings in some of the first hours after his death when there was sort of a sense of shock and overwhelm and numbness and grief already ...

There were also (and still are) unresolved legal issues (that could have been avoided both as stressors and expenses).  And some of this is harder than day to day problems like getting meals and laundry.

 I realize it’s also hard to face oneself—it made me aware of things I need to get set up. And I’ve been procrastinating.  A friend of mine told me she and her husband got a bunch of things started along these lines a year ago—and then stalled on finishing it up. 

I need to look carefully into things like giving body to science because apparently sometimes the surviving family gets charged for things like proper storage in cold conditions for the body and transport to the science facility— which can be very expensive, and I don’t want to saddle them with extra burdens.  I won’t be a donor because i have some health problems that I would not want to possibly inflict on a recipient especially one who might be immunocompromised. 

 

To be continued 

Edited June 6, 2019 by Pen

[katilac]

2 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Oh, here's another thought. Right now, call all your medical professionals and ask if there is any paperwork you can sign so the oldest kids (the ones who aren't adults yet) can go themselves. Even if all they go alone for is things like flu shots and routine dental cleanings and having their braces tightened and getting a note for school because they had a cold, that frees up a lot of time for the grown-ups - who, of course, would still be there for bigger ticket visits.

I have never encountered a single doctor or dentist who insisted on having the parent in the room. Definitely not dentists! They are like, please do not disrupt our well-oiled machine, lol. And doctors aren't going to blink an eye at the kids 12 and up being by themselves. Flu shots might require parental permission, I seem to recall signing stuff every time my kids had regular vaccinations. 

You made me think of a different one: figure out the Uber/taxi/public transport options. Uber is not supposed to pick up minors, but they do it all the time. Good to know what's available in a pinch. 

[Ottakee]

It is hard, super duper hard....and I only have 3 and they are older.

If you can find someone now to help run errands that would free up your time and energy for the more nurturing parenting things.  Is there someone that can run the kids to practices (and you attend games/performances), the dentist, the eye doctor, routine medical, etc.   That could be huge.  I now have it worked out with the dentist and eye doctor that the kids can come alone...they are over 18 but I have guardianship due to special needs.

Paperwork and junk everywhere is what gets me down.  Declutter what you can and try to streamline things.

 

[Pen]

13 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Seriously?

Sometimes people joke about, when their spouse is on business, how hard it is to single parent.  But, how do you just be eternally "on"?

 

There are a bunch of wonderful ideas (I may be adopting some!) in posts above. 

Being eternally “on”— I think it’s important to find some way to, even if very rarely, not be completely “on”.  I don’t know what that will look like in your family’s case.  Maybe someone from your church to come over and be “on” every so often.  But I think it’s important to think of some way to have “off” time—as much as an involved caring parent can ever be “off”. 

If you think it possible, a time when you and your husband go somewhere to be “off” for a weekend or so (especially while you are still relatively well), leaving the kids in charge (or perhaps not including the very youngest and 14yo with ODD on a first trial—or maybe he’d really step up, who knows) could be helpful to determine what skills are lacking and what problems would need addressing.  Think Farmer Boy by Laura Ingalls Wilder where Almanzo’s parents leave for ? days.   I would plan and practice and brainstorm in advance. Not just a cold turkey thing.  And I’d try to make it an exciting adventure!

 

I would also try to emphasize the skill of learning how to figure things out. Reading directions and being able to follow them, whether that be for how an appliance works or a recipe.  Learning how to look up practical information, how to videos, and so forth.  Change currently is happening so fast that they may know how to do a specific thing now, but the tech for that may be radically different in a couple of years.

 

Here are some more thoughts interspersed below. 

 

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I've been feeling less than awesome lately and we're back to re-evaluating putting the youngest couple in school. 

 

I have no idea about your exact situation, but I’d probably gravitate to putting early highschooler and maybe middle schoolers in school.  Why?

well 1) it tends to be harder to move from homeschooling into high school part way through 2) older kids are usually better at getting themselves ready for school (and even though  adhd / ODD kid may not be he probably needs the practice) 3) big kids already got a lot of mom time while you were well, I’d want little kids to get more intense good mom time now. 

 

 

 

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What useful and functional things can I do to begin this transition from me running the ship to them?

Things I thought of today:
Teach the middle two to braid and/or "fix" their own hair.  I generally do this.
Really promote autonomy - I baby the youngest four probably more than I ought.  I'm the one to brush their hair, but I like it and it looks nicer when I do it, lol.  But maybe not the best long term solution.

 

 

This is complicated.  I would probably look at easier,  perhaps short,  hair styles.  I think they should be learning to do own, each other’s hair, but if this is something you enjoy by all means keep doing it at least some of the time. 

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As far as housework, honestly, everyone does pitch in.  I don't think maybe the understand the level at which it's going to kick up.  Everyone from 10 up pretty much washes/dries/puts away their own clothes.  They clean their own  rooms and I am far less picky.

Thinking about decluttering DRASTICALLY.
We have a HUGE coat closet where everyone's spring and winter coats are hung year-round.  There is a huge rack for the littles to put their shoes so anyone can get them easily.  There are hooks at their level so they can hang their own backpacks and/or coats, rather than hangers.
I think they really are so good - they baby me a lot.  I think they get this from my husband and my oldest boys.  Even William (4) opens EVERY door for me and waits for me to walk through it. 

 

That is really sweet!!! 💗

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I admit this disease really brought out sweetness in every one of them, it's just hard to watch how much they do

 

Try to think of it as them becoming competent adults, a good thing.  I’d also say things to littlest about helping bigger sad able to do that.  Part of the all pulling together idea.  So oldest ones don’t end up feeling like servants of the littles.  Ideas like now Name is carrying your suitcase, but someday when you’re bigger you’ll be able to carry heavy things for Name.   

 

8 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

17 (and in college except for math), 15 (part time college next semester and part time HS), 14 (LD, Dyslexic, ADHD, ODD, but doing really well with meds and remediation), 12, 10, 9, 8, 6, and 4.

 

I’d consider having 3 teams of 3 for some things that need doing around the house with the 3 oldest the team leaders (yes even the 14yo with difficulties if at all possible) —Say 14, 12, 10 together,  17, 4,  8 together, and 15, 9, 6. — to help each other out, and have rotating responsibilities for things like meal planning and preparation and clean up; various aspects of house cleaning; etc

 

As you do things I’d think about teaching your kids how to run a household—not just how to do an assigned chore

 

 

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I think this is a good mindset - I need to discover how to create margin for them.  We've begun to simplify.  I bought frozen waffles for like the first time in ... forever? 
 

 

Yes. Like that. Having things that easy for maybe even the 4yo to manage.  And for you if you’re exhausted or feeling awful and need something to eat.

 

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"We all pulled together to love and care for the family after Mom got sick and died."  Is that narrative something that can be fostered and created?

 

Absolutely!  Keep using that language “we all have to pull together in love to care for one another”    Use it now!  I love it!  Going to adopt it myself even though my family is tiny. 

 

 

 

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Thanks Scarlett - they are great kids.  I wish they were rotten, lol, then maybe I'd think, "Good, let 'em feel the weight of responsibility," lol.  😛 I do have older kids who will step in - but that's so hard.  17yo is really killing it - she's been taking college classes, working, and doing extracurriculars.  She drives DD15 around too.  DD15 has diagnosed anxiety,  we were told very much like high functioning Asperger's, and the coping with many moving parts is going to be a challenge.  Our goal for her is to intro as much as possible so it's easier.  She's starting CC next semester.  I don't know how well she will handle juggling an exhausting home life with the rigors of working and school.  The 14yo has a big enough job handling himself.  Then the 12yo and 10yo are really naturals as far as juggling and organization - but they are 12yo and 1oyo.

 

Well in my teams of 3 idea above you might want it different given this info.  

Also if you do use it, you might want to rotate team leaders so that the 12 and 10yo get turns as team leader (and the littles ones too when they’re older). 

 

 

Edited June 6, 2019 by Pen

[Tanaqui]

5 hours ago, katilac said:

I have never encountered a single doctor or dentist who insisted on having the parent in the room. Definitely not dentists! They are like, please do not disrupt our well-oiled machine, lol. And doctors aren't going to blink an eye at the kids 12 and up being by themselves. Flu shots might require parental permission, I seem to recall signing stuff every time my kids had regular vaccinations. 

You made me think of a different one: figure out the Uber/taxi/public transport options. Uber is not supposed to pick up minors, but they do it all the time. Good to know what's available in a pinch. 

 

Although I don't have to be in the room, the dentist we go to requires me to be in the office for anything other than routine cleanings, just in case something comes up and requires permission. The doctor is the same way - I don't have to be in the room, but I had to actually sign paperwork allowing the older kid to go alone to get a doctor's note when home sick a day. (Which is another hassle - why shouldn't I be able to write a note to the school saying "Had fever. Stayed home. Signed, Me" and call it a day? Since when do schools not trust parental judgment on this?)

Interestingly, though, we don't have to sign a thing when getting a shot - I just had to be there and they assumed permission was given.

[Tanaqui]

2 minutes ago, Eliana said:

All of kids' practitioners except the orthodontist have required a parent to be present or another adult with a note authorizing them to make medical decisions (signed by a parent). The dentist requires a parent to be in the room.  I don't have to be in the room at the doctor, but for kids under 18 I have had to be present in the waiting room at least.   It is definitely a logistical issue to take into account, though perhaps it varies regionally?

 

What really gets me is that the kids can go and get birth control or an abortion without me... but not a flu shot.

Not that I'm opposed to them being able to get birth control or abortions - if a young person doesn't think they can involve their parents in that, they may very well be right! - but, like, I trust my kids to get their own flu shots! (Or, rather, I don't, but if the older one was capable of remembering and the younger one wasn't scared of needles, I would.)

[Forget-Me-Not]

((((BlsdMama)))) 

[SKL]

5 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Although I don't have to be in the room, the dentist we go to requires me to be in the office for anything other than routine cleanings, just in case something comes up and requires permission. The doctor is the same way - I don't have to be in the room, but I had to actually sign paperwork allowing the older kid to go alone to get a doctor's note when home sick a day. (Which is another hassle - why shouldn't I be able to write a note to the school saying "Had fever. Stayed home. Signed, Me" and call it a day? Since when do schools not trust parental judgment on this?)

Interestingly, though, we don't have to sign a thing when getting a shot - I just had to be there and they assumed permission was given.

When my kids were 10 I signed the paper allowing them to take themselves to the chiropractor for any and all treatments.  And it is pretty normal here for school-aged kids to go to the dentist without a parent.  Also any other visit that is routine, such as therapy.

I agree with calling each provider and asking about a blanket permission for the child to be seen without the parent.  I am sure different offices have different rules about that.

I hear that in some states, the parents don't even have a right to know if their teens / tweens have gotten medical care.

Edited June 6, 2019 by SKL

[Ottakee]

Even if the kids can't go on their own to appointments, maybe you can sign a paper saying that x or y can take them....with x or y being a friend, relative, neighbor, church member, etc.  Often they require an adult but with permission that doesn't have to be you.

[G5052]

I'm so sorry to hear that. You have a lot to work through.

Keep in mind that your kids are working through this too. They are used to one way of living and are now facing another.

For you, I'd focus on what you can do that really matters to your children. You can't do everything, but maybe you can come up with some things that will still be meaningful in their lives.

[maize]

7 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Although I don't have to be in the room, the dentist we go to requires me to be in the office for anything other than routine cleanings, just in case something comes up and requires permission. The doctor is the same way - I don't have to be in the room, but I had to actually sign paperwork allowing the older kid to go alone to get a doctor's note when home sick a day. (Which is another hassle - why shouldn't I be able to write a note to the school saying "Had fever. Stayed home. Signed, Me" and call it a day? Since when do schools not trust parental judgment on this?)

Interestingly, though, we don't have to sign a thing when getting a shot - I just had to be there and they assumed permission was given.

Interesting.

I've dropped kids off at the dentist without me before, even youngish kids if they have an older sibling with them. This is for routine checkups and cleaning at an office we have a long standing relationship with. I've sent a young teen in for a doctor appointment alone as well.

I can excuse my kids from school for sick days with a phone call or through an online portal, no doctor note required.

I only have to sign something if I am refusing a recommended shot; if they are getting a shot I just get handed the information sheet.

[fairfarmhand]

I finiished a book called "Just Show Up" that was co-written by two ladies. One had terminal cancer, was youngish with small kids. One was her friend who helped her. There were 
TONS of concrete helpful strategies for organizing the things that families dealing with long term health crises need to know. Like they bought a quality cooler to leave on the porch so that when the meal train stopped by, everything was there to store the food until it could be retrieved. It also talked about how the sick mom just couldn't deal with seeing people on many many days and encouraged the family members to say that out loud to visitors and friends "She loves you, she wishes she were up to talking, but she's not." Sometimes even opening the door to say Hi thanks for the casserole was too much for the family of the sick lady. 

. I think it will help you figure out how to organize some things for your family when your illness begins to affect every day life to an even greater extent, from meal train type stuff to laundry to cleaning.

[sweet2ndchance]

1 hour ago, Ottakee said:

Even if the kids can't go on their own to appointments, maybe you can sign a paper saying that x or y can take them....with x or y being a friend, relative, neighbor, church member, etc.  Often they require an adult but with permission that doesn't have to be you.

 This.

You can even have your older children listed as guardians with the doctor's office for your younger children so that is already on record that they can make decisions and sign for treatment at the doctor's office. All you need to do is sign the HIPPA paperwork stating that you authorize the doctor's office to share with the older children anything that they would ordinarily share with you.

[Murphy101]

I think whatever you do should be focused on narrowing of priorities, which honestly I think is a good policy to reevaluate regardless of crisis and best done before there isn't a crisis.

I would get rid of anything that is not important to you or your family.  If it either isn't in weekly use or something you would want someone to have after you die, get rid of it.  I'd be brutal about it.  Every single major illness or death I've ever witnessed has caused a huge nightmarish headache and heartache of sorting through stuff, most of which doesn't even matter.  If there is something you really want someone to have after you die - give it NOW.  If it's something like jewelry for a daughter too young for it now, put it in writing, with a picture of the ring or with the ring itself in a ziplock or envelop. This kind of thing will be a huge relief to your husband and your kids that they likely can't even comprehend now. And realistically the less stuff to maintain and organize and generally deal with, is less stress in the long run.

Do you have community? Somewhere your family spends a lot of time and energy and people know your name and your kids? If not, I'd put considerable energy in cultivating that.  If you do have it, I'd spend more time on that.  The day will come when everyone is exhausted and heart sore, and feeling isolated - they need community that will both give them an outlet to recharge and also continuously reach out.  People who will both not get sick of hearing about the negative, but also can uplift them.

A spiral notebook of all passwords and accounts.  Of all contacts.  Husbands tend to be have no idea how much household management details a woman keeps in her head.  Plan out worse case scenario asap.  Funeral and all.  Just get it done and out of the way.  and have the paperwork easily available for your husband.  Give consideration to what if god forbid something should happen to your dh first? Get a will and everything in order.  There is so very much to worry about that you can't control, but you can take a lot of worry out of the equation with the things you can plan for.  

And the whole kids raising younger siblings and being resentful?  Let it go.  I'm 100% in your camp, but that's not what this is about.  This is about thank God they all have each other.  Make as many memories as you can while you can.  Baby them all as much as you can while you can.  Once you've done the above? All that's left is to love each other.  No matter what you do, they are going to know daddy can't do things like momma did.  And that's okay.  Daddy will do the best he can and that will be good enough.  Different and sad sometimes, but okay. And he won't be doing it all in his own either.  Because there's a big family casting wide net to hold everyone together. 

 

[Lecka]

I have solo-parented through 3 military deployments.

The biggest thing is to not get behind.  It is very, very hard to catch up from being behind.  There is never that day to catch up.  It’s better to just make sure the minimums are done every day.  

I agree about not getting isolated.  It takes effort not to be isolated, and it is worth it to make the effort.

I think it helps too to have a structure and routine.  This can help kids know what to expect and let them do things on automatic pilot.  

I think there is a temptation to either feel short-tempered with children and be frustrated with them, or else to feel sorry for them and go too far in not having high expectations for them.  There is a nice middle ground where kids have expectations but they aren’t too high or too low.

I have had two times when I have not been able to handle a difficult conversation with difficult information with my oldest son.  

One time it was because he needed to hear the same information over and over and over and it was upsetting to me every time. 

The other time I was upset at the time but then I could talk about it with him once a little time passed.

I talked to a counselor and had a counselor talk to my son both times.  It was very helpful.  It was not like it was things I couldn’t do, I just was not up to it at the time.  

It was also helpful for me to know age-appropriate ways to talk about things and then I would have a much better idea.  With one (a military deployment) the counselor had a coloring book and she went through it with my son, and then he could look back through the coloring book, and then that was also easier for me.  

He talked to a counselor also after my younger son was diagnosed with autism.  I just could not handle explaining or answering questions like “will he ever be able to.....” when I did not know myself.  

I know a lot of people do not need help from a counselor but it has worked well for me these two times.  

Edit:  I would have had him talk to someone at church but for the first one I had not really found a church after we moved, and it was very easy to see a counselor, and for the other, everyone at church was shocked and would not have know enough to be able to answer questions, while a counselor was very familiar and able to answer questions.  

Edited June 6, 2019 by Lecka