WWYD - $1,000 from in-laws

[Pegasus]

DH's parents recently sent us $1,000.  They haven't done anything like this in the past so I'm wondering what is up.  They first said it was to help pay for a HVAC system we recently had to replace. DH told them that we had that covered so they then said it was a birthday gift and we could use it for whatever we want.

 

We aren't cashing the check and DH told them as such. I don't think it is pride on our part because if DH's parents were well off, I'd accept with a heartfelt THANK YOU.  However, they don't have much and are careful with their own spending to the point FIL puts off filling needed prescriptions when he is in the "doughnut hole" of his drug benefits.

 

I'm only guessing but maybe they gave $1,000 to DH's sister for something she needed and want to keep things equitable.  I don't want to ask SIL in case she had not gotten such a gift.  

 

Just wondering what the board members would do.

[HomeAgain]

If they would find it offensive that we don't cash it, I would absolutely put the money in the bank.  Then I'd find something they needed and gift it to them at Christmas/anniversary: home repair, new furniture, etc.

[regentrude]

Thank them and put it in the bank.

They are adults and can decide what gifts they give. Refusing the gift seems patronizing.

If they needed help, you would surely help them out.

[marbel]

Yes, I would put it in the bank.  They gave it to you for whatever reason.  Be gracious and accept it.   Don't assume you know better than they do about this. 

[gardenmom5]

I often felt my mother "gave me gifts" to appease her guilt because she *was* paying for my niece's private school - and a bunch of other garbage for my sister. 

 

It was very difficult to accept gifts.   I eventually had to work to drilling into my own head over and over, that she wanted to do something nice - and money was the only thing she understood.  (all of it goes back to my grandmother's mind games.)

[prairiewindmomma]

I would deposit the money and then hold it aside to bless them at some point in the future. Elder care is expensive....and I have spent a lot this year picking up needed things (OTC drugs, clothing, new shoes, groceries).

[Jaz]

I agree, I'd accept the gift. You could save it to help them sometime in the future. 

[EmilyGF]

I would save it for a house improvement at some time that would help the in-laws. For example, we have outside stairs that need better grips for people with reduced mobility. That's the sort of thing I'd put house money from my parents or in-laws towards.

 

Emily

[Annie G]

I would cash the check and deposit it. There might come a time when you can gift it back to them for something they need.  

[SKL]

Put it in the bank, and save it in case they have a need in the future.

 

It is possible they have a reason to clear out or reduce their cash accounts.

 

Even if it is due to some confusion, you would be wise to hold it in the bank for them so at least it doesn't end up someplace where it does them no good.

[J-rap]

Not really knowing what your relationship is with them and what their circumstances are exactly, I guess I'd just assume it was a gift.  And that for some reason that I may or may not know, they wanted you to have this money and were feeling generous.  Is there something you especially need but don't feel you can afford?  Can you put it toward braces or new glasses or a new dishwasher or something like that?  

 

However, if you are quite sure that they do not even have enough money for their own necessities, I'd still thank them but maybe put it in the bank and save it for them for a later date.  I wouldn't mention it with SIL.

[Seasider]

"Keeping things equitable" has been our experience with surprise money like that. I have never quite figured out how I feel about it (especially if we learn that the money given to a sibling was actually given long before - like it was weighing on their conscience a good while and they just had to even-Steven things in order to sleep well at night). It all just gets spent on bills or kids things, so I treat it like grandparent gift. However, if we knew they couldn't afford it or there were suddenly strings attached, it would become a problem.

 

Eta clarifying, we certainly don't expect things to be even. I'd probably rather be blissfully ignorant of any inequity. But I think my feelings vascillate because there's one person who has a record of boldly asking for financial assistance. I would hate for the parents to think they owed us anything, but it's also disheartening to think others take advantage of them.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Seasider

[Kassia]

My father used to do this and  I'd put the money in the bank and keep track of what he sent us just in case he needed it back someday.  

[Seasider]

Put it in the bank, and save it in case they have a need in the future.

 

It is possible they have a reason to clear out or reduce their cash accounts.

 

Even if it is due to some confusion, you would be wise to hold it in the bank for them so at least it doesn't end up someplace where it does them no good.

If there's a possibility they are trying to reduce assets to qualify for government assistance, gifting the money could backfire on them. If there's a chance of that, maybe it bears investigating by your dh.

[importswim]

I suppose I'm the only one that would cash it and go on a vacation? We're debt free and I would want to do something fun with the money that I could thank them for.

[maize]

Gifts given without manipulative intent should be accepted graciously.

[PeterPan]

If you don't *need* the money for bills, then put it in your kids' college savings fund. I have a generous relative like that who just gives a surprising amount here and there over the years, and that's what we did.

[PeterPan]

I suppose I'm the only one that would cash it and go on a vacation? We're debt free and I would want to do something fun with the money that I could thank them for.

 

But I like this too. :D  If you've been stressed and they know it would help, by all means do it! :)

[creekland]

Ok... it's common in our families to get gifts like this occasionally from parents and we do the same for our adult kids.

 

I had no idea it was something anyone would have hang ups about.  It's merely sharing family wealth - totally normal.  We all know if we ever had NEEDS we could turn to family too (top down or bottom up).

 

When we're recipients, it just goes into our budget (or bank account) and we send our thanks.  That's all we expect from our kids too.  They can use it on needs, wants, or tuck it into savings.  It's theirs.  I'd be rather annoyed if any of them returned it or didn't cash the check TBH.  One really shouldn't give gifts back.  If they really don't want it, then pick a favorite charity...

[Seasider]

Ok... it's common in our families to get gifts like this occasionally from parents and we do the same for our adult kids.

 

I had no idea it was something anyone would have hang ups about. It's merely sharing family wealth - totally normal. We all know if we ever had NEEDS we could turn to family too (top down or bottom up).

 

When we're recipients, it just goes into our budget (or bank account) and we send our thanks. That's all we expect from our kids too. They can use it on needs, wants, or tuck it into savings. It's theirs. I'd be rather annoyed if any of them returned it or didn't cash the check TBH. One really shouldn't give gifts back. If they really don't want it, then pick a favorite charity...

So creekland, when you give random monetary gifts, do to give to all at the same time? Or do you give to each at different times? I know you would not show favoritism, but as a parent of young adults, I can sure see that needs vary.

 

(No judgment here, im just thinking through many things as I move closer to being able to be the one who sends out fun money.)

[Garga]

My ILs used to do this a lot. $500 here $150 there. We always just cashed it. They always hid it behind "Christmas gift" or "Anniversary gift" but everyone knew what was going on. But they would have been really upset had we not taken the money. So we took it and used it for good-pay off debt, put some in the kids bank accounts, buy the kids something special for Christmas, that kind of thing.

 

My inlaws give us a lot of money at Christmas. I use that money toward buying them Christmas and birthday presents and something small for the boys and us.

 

So, keep the money and use it back on them.

Edited September 3, 2017 by Garga

[foxbridgeacademy]

My parents have never given us $$ without having been asked but they will tell me to not worry about paying them back. In that instance I will use the $$ to buy something for the kids and say it was from g-parents.  So in your place, I'd cash the check and either buy the family a gift, save it for future gifts (including really nice ones for g-parents) or just save it for when they might need help later.

[JustEm]

So creekland, when you give random monetary gifts, do to give to all at the same time? Or do you give to each at different times? I know you would not show favoritism, but as a parent of young adults, I can sure see that needs vary.

 

(No judgment here, im just thinking through many things as I move closer to being able to be the one who sends out fun money.)

I am not Creekland but I can answer how my parents handle it, as parents of 7 adult kids. They do not give out the same amount to all at the same time. But it isn't because of favoritism. It is because some of their children are so we'll off they don't feel the need to gift them with money just for the hell of it. They do give the same amount at Christmas to everyone. For example, my dad randomly paid my family's share of a family vacation. I imagine he did the same thing for my brother but likely not any of my other siblings because those siblings wouldn't need to find room in their budget for the trip. whereas his 2 youngest kids struggle a bit more because of our family sizes and not being in the work force for nearly as long.

 

But he still gives to the other siblings randomly too but I imagine it isn't equally. No one ever talks about how much dad gives each sibling though because we know he wouldn't want us to.

[Liz CA]

I occasionally send ds some blessings in form of $ - sometimes candy too.  :)

[Janeway]

DH's parents recently sent us $1,000. They haven't done anything like this in the past so I'm wondering what is up. They first said it was to help pay for a HVAC system we recently had to replace. DH told them that we had that covered so they then said it was a birthday gift and we could use it for whatever we want.

 

We aren't cashing the check and DH told them as such. I don't think it is pride on our part because if DH's parents were well off, I'd accept with a heartfelt THANK YOU. However, they don't have much and are careful with their own spending to the point FIL puts off filling needed prescriptions when he is in the "doughnut hole" of his drug benefits.

 

I'm only guessing but maybe they gave $1,000 to DH's sister for something she needed and want to keep things equitable. I don't want to ask SIL in case she had not gotten such a gift.

 

Just wondering what the board members would do.

cash it and then invest it. If they ever need it, you can give it back. If they don't, you can use it toward your children's college or something.

[Katy]

I agree, a sibling had a need and they wanted things to be equitable. When we realized gifts like that were putting an unnecessary financial strain on one of our relatives, we pointed out that not only do we not need it, we absolutely felt it was completely fair to give money to the one who needed it given their circumstances, which wasn't us. They helped us in other ways (watching kids sometimes) that wasn't equitable either, but it was fair because it's what we needed. Then it became less frequent, but still big.  As in I suspect about every $4k spent on a sibling means $1k gets distributed to other siblings.  We just accept the gifts and deposit in a savings account.

[heartlikealion]

Maybe something came up where they were gifted money and wanted to pass some along.

[Ausmumof3]

Unless you have some history of trying to manipulate you with money gifts you should accept and say thank you.

[DawnM]

I sometimes don't cash checks my parents send.  I feel bad taking their money.  I don't mind if they give some money to the kids, but I don't need their money and they need it more.  They don't say anything.

 

In the past, before they were on such a low income, they gave us money and we did use it.  But now I feel bad.

 

 

[creekland]

So creekland, when you give random monetary gifts, do to give to all at the same time? Or do you give to each at different times? I know you would not show favoritism, but as a parent of young adults, I can sure see that needs vary.

 

(No judgment here, im just thinking through many things as I move closer to being able to be the one who sends out fun money.)

 

It honestly depends on our whims at the time.  If we're sending care packages to college boys we'd put the same amount of $$ and/or gift cards into each package even though other items would differ pending what each boy liked (costs could differ on those too).

 

If it's a birthday or Christmas from afar, those gifts will be the same, but that's not really random like the others are.

 

When we unexpectedly have more (hubby is self-employed and some months are simply good months), then we'll usually share too - either with them or to charities we support.  Those will be similar if not the same.  If we had/have a boy at home we tend to know more what needs are around and will fill gas tanks or whatever.  Since that adds up, occasionally we'll send a check to the one or two others who are away.  It's not an equal amount as I don't keep track of spending here.

 

Then there are times we send oldest extra to assist with paying off his student loans because he went to college during the economic downturn and had to take on more than his brothers.  We told him at the time that we'd help him pay them off if we could later on, so when we can, we do.  He knows he can use the money anywhere though.  I believe they are saving to buy a house.  It's ok with me if he pays off his loans more slowly and puts our contributions into the house downpayment instead.  I don't know which way he goes with it TBH and don't care.  It's a gift at this point.

 

We've told each boy that this is just "how parents (like us) are."  We got help from our parents when we were young adults and it helped us out tremendously.  We want to pass on that assistance now that we are older and have more $$ freed up than in our younger days.  My mom still helps us out (even though we don't need it).  She would go on vacation with us and pay far more than half - even though it was just her and five of us (or four, three, or now just hubby and I).  She'll also still send checks at times - just because she wants to.  I can't fathom returning one or not cashing it any more than I can fathom returning any other gift she'd send.  To me that would be incredibly rude - and I'm sure it would be felt that way.

 

After reading (other threads) on the Hive I really think "family" wealth is built and part of that is from parents to kids helping them start, then adding extras so perhaps there's less stress or whatever.  There's no strings attached.  They know (because we've discussed it due to other threads) that if we ever need help, they'll be there for us - just as we would be for our parents.  Now (for our parents) that help is medical, but should it ever be financial... so be it.

 

To us, that's just how families work and gradually move up the economic ladder.  My grandparents did the same for my parents and their siblings.  It worked well.

 

NOTE:  My Dad and sibling are not part of this.  My Dad's "gifts" come with strings - no thanks!  My sibling can't control money - no clue why.  It's tough because everyone has tried helping and we've always gotten nowhere.  We have not seen these traits with my guys nor my mom.  If they were there, I suspect we'd be different.

[kiwik]

Don't just hold onto it. If you are short of money a large outstanding cheque is very stressful. Either return it or cash it. I agree with banking it separately in case it I'd needed.

[SquirrellyMama]

We receive checks like this sometimes, and it's usually when my dh's sister and husband have needed help.

 

We accept and say thank you. At first we probably tried to tell them it wasn't necessary, but they wouldn't budge.

 

They are very big into keeping things "even". It really isn't necessary, but surprise money is nice ðŸ‘

 

Kelly

[ksr5377]

I guess my family and DHs is similar to Crkeklands, only we don't have adult children of our own yet. Sometimes my parents will just send a check for no reason. Sometimes they say it's because they just helped another sibling with something and decided to do the same for all of us. DHs dad tends to gift us money right before he knows we'll be making a large purchase. We don't ask for it or expect it or talk about expenses with him in the hopes of him contributing...it just happens sometimes and we're very thankful. We hope to one day be able to help our own children like this.

[Word Nerd]

Thank them and put it in the bank.

They are adults and can decide what gifts they give. Refusing the gift seems patronizing.

If they needed help, you would surely help them out.

This.

[Pegasus]

It's unusual for the Hive to be so overwhelmingly on one side of an issue - cashing/keeping the gift, in this case.

 

Thank you, everyone.  It really helps.

[Rosika]

"Even-Steven" and fairness between siblings isn't anything I'm familiar with  :lol: I don't know if that's coming from an immigrant family or a large family, or both! The concept makes sense to me intellectually, but thinking of my parents trying to keep up with that made me actually and literally laugh out loud. I think it's an honorable idea, and thoughtful of the parents. I just can't picture my parents doing it. Or myself, even. I guess it's cultural?

 

I hate to have checks uncashed. I don't keep up very well with the checks I write, so if something hasn't been cashed in like a month or so I forget that the check is "out" there. That makes me uncomfortable. I think I'd rather the recipient send me the check back with a "thanks, but no thanks" or to just deposit the check. I like the idea of depositing it but keeping that amount untouched (in your own account). 

 

I don't pretend to know the ins and outs of it, but I know that my parents are advised to give out $x as GIFTS per year. I don't know if it has to do with retirement or taxes or investments or what, but there's a reason for it that benefits them (primarily) and then also the recipient. I don't know that they explain WHY they're sending the money, and I don't think any of us have thought to look a gift horse in the mouth. We're just like, "Yay! Free money!"  :cheers2: and go on enjoying it LOL. But they're finances aren't tight to where a generous gift would surprise, or worry, us. In that case, I'd maybe spend a bit on a great dinner out and send the rest back with a "Thanks, we enjoyed a lovely family dinner on you but we're not comfortable accepting such a generous and unsolicited gift." That way you've covered the spirit of the gift and can feel less guilty about returning the bulk of it. 

[KungFuPanda]

I'd say thank you and cash it. There's no point in assigning any sort of past or future scoring system.