S/O: Hoarder and death of a parent/parents

[DawnM]

I dread having my parents pass away.  Of course for the normal reasons, but also because their house is full of junk.  They are not really hoarders, my dad is a neat freak and everything that is organized is in boxes that are all labeled.  But they do  have a lot of stuff.  Most of their stuff is of no value at all.  None.  They get hand me downs, buy used, thrift store shop, etc.....

 

Honestly, when I go out there this summer I plan to suggest they move to assisted living and deal with some of their stuff, but if that doesn't happen......OY!

 

I will need to go out there and at least get photos and things that might mean something, but 100% of their furniture, clothing, decorations that aren't from Africa, and such will need to GO.

 

Not even sure how I will handle that.  I would only get a week off and I assume my time would be taken up with funeral and funeral arrangements.

 

My parents are mid-80s and in fairly ill health right now, so this is weighing on my mind.

 

Not sure what I am asking other than, any experience dealing with this?'

 

I am an ONLY child.  They live in Phoenix.  I currently live in NC, but may move to CA in 2018.  Not sure they will even still be around.  I guess we will see.  If I am in CA, it will be easier as it is a drive rather than a flight, and I could drag the family driving, not sure about all of us flying.

[Scarlett]

I dread having my parents pass away.  Of course for the normal reasons, but also because their house is full of junk.  They are not really hoarders, my dad is a neat freak and everything that is organized is in boxes that are all labeled.  But they do  have a lot of stuff.  Most of their stuff is of no value at all.  None.  They get hand me downs, buy used, thrift store shop, etc.....

 

Honestly, when I go out there this summer I plan to suggest they move to assisted living and deal with some of their stuff, but if that doesn't happen......OY!

 

I will need to go out there and at least get photos and things that might mean something, but 100% of their furniture, clothing, decorations that aren't from Africa, and such will need to GO.

 

Not even sure how I will handle that.  I would only get a week off and I assume my time would be taken up with funeral and funeral arrangements.

 

My parents are mid-80s and in fairly ill health right now, so this is weighing on my mind.

 

Not sure what I am asking other than, any experience dealing with this?'

 

I am an ONLY child.  They live in Phoenix.  I currently live in NC, but may move to CA in 2018.  Not sure they will even still be around.  I guess we will see.  If I am in CA, it will be easier as it is a drive rather than a flight, and I could drag the family driving, not sure about all of us flying.

 

 

I know it is easy to say 'stop worrying about it', but really it is just not in your control right now.  Just deal with it as it happens.  You have no idea when they will die or what order and it only uses valuable brain space to fret about it.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: 

[marbel]

I feel for you.  I'm not sure my in-laws fit the definition of hoarders, but they have a lot of stuff that is mostly worthless.  They have two homes and from what I understand, both are full of stuff.   They live far away from us.  I'd like to be able to say "not my parents" and let my husband and his sister take care of it, but I'm afraid if they drag their feet (which they will) it will end up costing us money (for storage, for house payments if they have any, for taxes... you get the picture).   I'm dreading it.  

 

Sorry I'm not helpful.  Just commiserating. My mother left almost nothing when she died; she was living in a retirement apartment and most family heirlooms had been passed on already.  I don't know if she understood what a gift she left me, not burdening me with tons of stuff.   

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[DawnM]

I know it is easy to say 'stop worrying about it', but really it is just not in your control right now.  Just deal with it as it happens.  You have no idea when they will die or what order and it only uses valuable brain space to fret about it.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

It is easy to say......but Mom mentions her stuff when she calls.  Seriously.  She even wrote me a letter about it recently.  

 

She talks about death all-the-time.  She always has, but she has ramped it up into high gear lately.  Very high gear.

 

She is homebound now, and feels more on death's door.  But she is making me nuts......she wants me to do specific stuff with some of her junk.  And then there are the 3 funerals I am expected to perform in 3 different states.

 

It really does make me nuts.

[marbel]

It is easy to say......but Mom mentions her stuff when she calls.  Seriously.  She even wrote me a letter about it recently.  

 

She talks about death all-the-time.  She always has, but she has ramped it up into high gear lately.  Very high gear.

 

She is homebound now, and feels more on death's door.  But she is making me nuts......she wants me to do specific stuff with some of her junk.  And then there are the 3 funerals I am expected to perform in 3 different states.

 

It really does make me nuts.

 

Don't promise you will do this.  Seriously.  My MIL has never given me much useful advice, but she did tell my husband and me never to promise her or my FIL anything like never having them live in a nursing home, or never getting rid of such and such an item.  She said her MIL had tried to get them (my MIL and FIL) to promise she'd never go to a nursing home, and they would not promise that.  (She ended up dying in her own home anyway, with hospice care.)   I think I remember her telling them not to sell her house to someone specific, who wanted it, but I think they ended up selling it to them anyway because... they were the only ones who wanted it.  

 

I think she advised we say "oh, we'll see..."   Think about how many moms say that to their children!   "We'll do the best we can" is another good one.   Then, there is at least no guilt over breaking a promise. 

[creekland]

I'm dealing with "planned death" now with my mom due to her diagnosis.  Fortunately, she's super reasonable and spelling it out for me along with the idea that taking care of things while she's still alive is important to her, so I expect almost all to go quite well.  Her actual death will be the saddest and toughest part for me.

 

Then there's my dad.  I'm going to play ostrich with that thought.  I am not sure exactly what I will do or be able to do, but I've (now) decided to just deal with that when it happens.  He's pre-planned his funeral and all, so that part won't be difficult, but what to do with his stuff and houses.   :svengo: I sometimes fantasize about a well placed match but some people seem to think that's illegal.  :glare:

 

My parents are divorced without current spouses, so each is an individual.

 

With my in-laws, I've reminded hubby to be in contact with his brother about those details.  I don't think "things" will be an issue there, but who survives whom (and related health issues) certainly could be.

 

We're at the time of our lives where we could lose all four within a year - or some could live for another decade.  We don't know.  (Just meaning due to age and health issues - obviously, none of us know the end timing if it comes suddenly.)

 

I definitely feel fortunate that both hubby and I are super flexible with our jobs.  That has helped out significantly - even with health issues.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There are companies who you can hire to handle an estate sale.  They may even be able to go through and donate or trash what doesn't go at the sale.  I don't know how affordable this is, but it is an option to look into. 

[Seasider]

Don't promise you will do this. Seriously. My MIL has never given me much useful advice, but she did tell my husband and me never to promise her or my FIL anything like never having them live in a nursing home, or never getting rid of such and such an item. She said her MIL had tried to get them (my MIL and FIL) to promise she'd never go to a nursing home, and they would not promise that. (She ended up dying in her own home anyway, with hospice care.) I think I remember her telling them not to sell her house to someone specific, who wanted it, but I think they ended up selling it to them anyway because... they were the only ones who wanted it.

 

I think she advised we say "oh, we'll see..." Think about how many moms say that to their children! "We'll do the best we can" is another good one. Then, there is at least no guilt over breaking a promise.

Oh, I so agree! I recently had to deal with an awful family entanglement in which stepdaughter promised her (manipulative of other people) father something on behalf of her stepmother, who was suffering from dementia. When it became impossible for stepmom's bio kids to honor that promise, they had to over and over remind stepdaughter, "It wasn't your promise to make."

 

(This was a late in life coerced marriage. I do not mean to demean the "step," just trying to delineate relationships.)

 

Don't make impossible to keep promises. Don't demand such promises. Only ask and promise to do the best honorable thing possible under the circumstances you will face at the time (which may have changed greatly from the time the promise was made).

[Scarlett]

It is easy to say......but Mom mentions her stuff when she calls.  Seriously.  She even wrote me a letter about it recently.  

 

She talks about death all-the-time.  She always has, but she has ramped it up into high gear lately.  Very high gear.

 

She is homebound now, and feels more on death's door.  But she is making me nuts......she wants me to do specific stuff with some of her junk.  And then there are the 3 funerals I am expected to perform in 3 different states.

 

It really does make me nuts.

 

 

Oh I see.  Well that does make it even harder.  I am sorry.  I do like some of the phrases below...'I will do the best I can.  We will see. ' 

 

My mom asked me to promise not to put her in a nursing home.  I told her obviously that would be a last resort and I would do all I could to care for her myself but that I could not make such a promise. It made me feel terrible...but what can you do?

[Hilltopmom]

You can also order a roll off dumpster from a garbage company & have everything thrown away that way.

Or estate sale company.

[Night Elf]

My mom and aunt are dealing with this with my grandmother. My grandmother is worried they'll get rid of all her stuff that she's so carefully kept over the years. She keeps telling them she was raised in the depression and it's really bad to give stuff away because you may really need it later. My mom and aunt tell her they'll invite the family over to split what they want. They don't promise her they'll keep it. Honestly, my mom just wants to have one big charity truck come haul away the good stuff and a junk man to throw out the worthless stuff. Unfortunately, my grandmother has also hidden money and jewelry around the house and doesn't remember where anything is. So she's insisting mom and aunt go through every pocket, purse, drawer and cabinet. Neither my mom nor my aunt want to do that and have told grandma to stop hiding things because they won't find them.

 

My mom just moved in with my grandmother. When she moved out of her apartment, she donated a lot of stuff and threw out a lot too. She saved stuff only because my stepdad didn't want to let it all go. Mom said she'd keep it for 2 years in storage and that if they haven't gotten their own place again, she's going to get rid of it all. She's paying for that storage unit and she's not happy about it. She really had very little she cared about. I think she sees her own mom holding onto stuff and she doesn't want to be like her mom.

[SebastianCat]

The best thing we did with ILs' house was to hire an estate sale company to come in and go through everything, then sell the stuff we didn't want to keep.   They do this for a living, and it was worth every dime was paid them in commission.   ILs had a 2500+ square foot house that they had lived in for 20+ years, and while they weren't technically hoarders, they saved EVERYTHING.   I went through boxes and boxes of receipts to shred, because they saved every grocery store receipt, every cancelled check, etc., back to the mid 1980s.   Mixed in with the checks and receipts were some priceless family documents that were worth saving, so we had to pick through everything slowly.   I think it took another 6-8 months to get everything shredded.

 

Even with the estate sale company, however, it was a considerable amount of work.   We had to clear everything out of the attic and outdoor shed, most of which was garbage.   The estate sale company rented a dumpster and it had to be emptied several times before the actual estate sale.   Then after the estate sale, we came back to clean up and do some repairs and painting before selling the house.  It was about 15 months after they moved that the house actually sold.

 

We lived 4 hours away (the closest of DH's siblings) and made multiple weekend trips to take care of things.

 

Honestly, when I go out there this summer I plan to suggest they move to assisted living and deal with some of their stuff, but if that doesn't happen......OY!

 

Just a word of warning - this was how it worked for my ILs.   MIL had a progressive lung disease and FIL had dementia, so they moved to an ALF in the city where SIL lives, but kept in contact with friends in their old city.   MIL's friends went to the estate sale and called her to tell her how "ridiculously cheap" her precious knickknacks were being sold for.   It was stressful for MIL to have someone else purge her memories.   

[Guest]

I haven't crossed this bridge yet, but I am in the same boat. My parents are not "official" hoarders, but they have a very cluttered house and my mom especially loves to gather up - I'm sorry, but - worthless junk. Additionally, the house itself is in major disrepair, so I don't even think the house itself has much value. My mom is very touchy about all her piles of stuff. The last time I was there cleaning, she was instructing me in all the things she thinks are valuable. I can tell you right now, there's not a chance we are going to comb through all of that stuff to try and ebay some dang piece of pottery she thinks is worth money. Even if it is collectible, we're talking about chump change in the grand scheme of things. One of those "valuable" tchotchkes would not even pay for the dumpster rental we're going to have to order.

 

I do have one sibling in the area that may be assisting when this day comes, but I don't look forward to it even with help.

 

I have come to think this is a really important reason not to let clutter continue into elderly years. Leaving this for your kids to sort out is really negligent.

 

My MIL's farm is like this, too, although not really hoarded, but just a big place with outbuildings and everything FULL.OF.STUFF. There's so much stuff that should have been off-loaded many decades ago and now it will be a very daunting task, probably in the not-distant future. She isn't even living in her house now and probably never will live there again. My instincts run in wanting to start sorting stuff now, but I don't guess anyone wants to do that because it's as though you think she has one foot in the grave. But it's going to be a daunting job as it stands now. Just enormous.

[mom31257]

I understand and am dealing with some of this now. We go this Saturday to clean out some things at my grandmother's house. She passed away late in 2010. My mother, an only child, was already not well then, and she never had the house put into her name. She never wanted to clean it out. I think some was feeling badly, but some was not wanting to let her go. My mom passed away in 2014. My parents were residents in another state, and we spent a few years going back and forth between what probate judges and lawyers were telling us. We finally, (hopefully) took the steps this year which clears it all from my mom's estate and makes my dad executor and over my grandmother's stuff, too. 

 

There was some cleaning out done early on, but there's much more to do. My dad's house is full of stuff, too. He's cleaned out a little, but there's definitely more. 

[Scarlett]

After watching my XMIL collect stuff and pay storage on junk....I want to make sure I don't put that burden on my ds.  Or his future wife.  I am working at purging.  Feels good.

[Laura Corin]

We are celebrating my mother's house being sold.  She moved in with me in January last year and it has taken my brother this long to get the house sorted.  I'm sorry - not the news you wanted.

 

We brought the stuff up to my house that Mum wanted, but now she can't bear to see it.   We could have thrown the whole lot out (apart from the family photo albums).....  Oh well.

[wintermom]

 Unfortunately, my grandmother has also hidden money and jewelry around the house and doesn't remember where anything is. So she's insisting mom and aunt go through every pocket, purse, drawer and cabinet. Neither my mom nor my aunt want to do that and have told grandma to stop hiding things because they won't find them.

 

 

Could you use this as incentive to get help from relatives - not when your grandmother is still alive, though? Clean a room and you get to keep whatever jewelry you find? 

[Miss Tick]

I remember it was really, really important 5 years ago to my grandmother with dementia that we nut sell our donate ANY of their things. They all had to go to someone in the family. It was hard listening and responding to that oft repeated need on her part.

[Bambam]

After my mom died, my dad decided to move to assisted living. He told us all to come and take what we wanted, and then he set up to have an estate sale and house auction to get everything taken care of at one time. The estate sale company took care of everything for him. I believe they got a percentage of the sale. Pretty painless. Estate sales are popular here in TX. 

[Catwoman]

I think it's worse when the stuff actually has value. It's easy to throw away worthless stuff because even if there's a ton of it and you can't handle it all on your own, it's not that expensive to hire someone to clean it all out and dispose of it.

 

When things are more valuable and/or sentimental, there are so many more decisions that need to be made.

 

It's all so stressful either way, though, particularly when you're close to your parents and you know how much the stuff meant to them.

[goldberry]

Just being so thankful my parents are not this way.  They have some junk, but just within normal bounds (probably less than I have!)  My dad was recently bugging my mom to clean out a closet, cause "the kids aren't gonna want to deal with that stuff".  It's really a small closet and wouldn't be a burden even if it was full.

 

DH's father is married to a hoarder, but she has kids on her side that I'm hoping will take primary responsibility if anything happens to her.  They live in a small trailer, so hoarding is limited by space. 

 

Hugs to you all who have to deal with this.

 

(correct DD to DH)

Edited April 20, 2017 by goldberry

[Night Elf]

Could you use this as incentive to get help from relatives - not when your grandmother is still alive, though? Clean a room and you get to keep whatever jewelry you find? 

 

Oh but it's so much stuff! She had a hard time cleaning out a bedroom for my mom and stepdad to move into. Her other rooms are cluttered. Her garage is full. She even has a storage shed in the back yard that is packed full of stuff. She wants her family to take all her stuff. She told my mom not to have an estate sale because she doesn't want her stuff sold off. Mom just keeps telling her she'll do the best she can when the time comes.

[Scarlett]

Just being so thankful my parents are not this way.  They have some junk, but just within normal bounds (probably less than I have!)  My dad was recently bugging my mom to clean out a closet, cause "the kids aren't gonna want to deal with that stuff".  It's really a small closet and wouldn't be a burden even if it was full.

 

DD's father is married to a hoarder, but she has kids on her side that I'm hoping will take primary responsibility if anything happens to her.  They live in a small trailer, so hoarding is limited by space. 

 

Hugs to you all who have to deal with this.

 

 

??

[goldberry]

??

 

OOPS! DH

 

(yes! secretly I'm the hoarder!!)

Edited April 20, 2017 by goldberry

[Scarlett]

OOPS! DH

 

(yes! secretly I'm the hoarder!!)

 

 

LOL.....either that or your dd is not the child of your husband of 31 years! 

[goldberry]

LOL.....either that or your dd is not the child of your husband of 31 years! 

 

That would be awkward!

[wintermom]

Oh but it's so much stuff! She had a hard time cleaning out a bedroom for my mom and stepdad to move into. Her other rooms are cluttered. Her garage is full. She even has a storage shed in the back yard that is packed full of stuff. She wants her family to take all her stuff. She told my mom not to have an estate sale because she doesn't want her stuff sold off. Mom just keeps telling her she'll do the best she can when the time comes.

 

I know. Her misguided generosity is potentially costing her family a lot of work and money to get rid of the stuff.  That's why I mentioned AFTER she passes. She is emotionally attached to it all.

[flyingaway]

I'm dreading this so much. I really feel for everyone facing it. My mother has never met a sale she can pass up. Four bedrooms of crap. My father has a machine shop you can't walk through that contains three or four huge, obsolete lathes. There are also several junk cars on the property. And there will be hobby farm animals to deal with. Naturally they live in the middle of nowhere, which will make it even harder to get all that mess gone.

[lavender's green]

My parents recently up and moved across the country. I think at least part of the reason was that my maternal grandma is in severe decline. They had been doing far more than their fair share in her care, and once they had moved her into a nursing home, they just couldn't bear to go through all her stuff. Even though she'd lived alone for years and tried to stay on top of de-cluttering, she'd had a family of 12 and stuff just accumulates over the years, especially in the attic and basement, and especially with her depression-era mentality of "we might need it some day!"

 

So, my folks up and left, while they're still relatively young and healthy, and I'm grateful they did it. It forced them to go through all the junk they've built up. They actually got getting really sick from breathing in all the basement dust filled with mouse urine and feces. (So my tip to those of you about to go through it is get a high-quality face mask!) I'm so glad to have been spared that. I'll probably still have to deal with some "valuable" collections :001_rolleyes:  and they could still build up a lot of stuff in their remaining decades, but they've dealt with the truly junky stuff.

 

My takeaway from all this is to regularly de-clutter. Carefully evaluate anything you want to save for "some day." Remember that plastic corrodes over time - all those toys of mine they were saving for when the grandkids come (which happened maybe once), were complete crud.

 

 

[G5052]

I had to pay someone to do my uncle's house. It was expensive. He was on the opposite coast from me. He never married and has no living relatives other than myself and my sibling. He died in June when I'm normally off of work, but I didn't find out for several weeks (long story), and then it was another month before legally we could do anything about it because there was no will. By then, I was weeks away from my fall teaching schedule. If I had moved out there, it would meant dropping my face-to-face teaching and having to find living arrangements in one of the most expensive areas of the U.S. for a month or more. His house was completely unlivable and been taken over by bugs and mice. We added it all up, and it made more sense to hire it out. Thankfully the resources I have there knew exactly who to call and how to get it arranged. The company was even willing to take payments because at the time the estate didn't have the funds while we were working through everything. 

 

With my in-laws, we had a dumpster brought in and did it ourselves, but DH comes from a large family. There was nothing really of value, and we set a deadline. Whatever wasn't taken by a certain date went into the trash.

 

My mother was in assisted living, but had way too much furniture and too many belongings. She had boxes and boxes of clothes. Thankfully the assisted living facility was very happy to take all of the future and clothing, so we just had to do the rest. It still took us four days because she had dementia and things were so disorganized.

 

I'll have this with another elderly couple on my side, but not because of hoarding. They have a HUGE house and guest house with many valuables. It's organized, but UGH. It will be hard deciding what I want and what to do with the rest of it. I'll probably have to hire help and stay there awhile.

[Guest]

Our family joke is that when this happens, we're going to rent one of those conveyer belt things they use to get shingles onto a roof, and set it right in front of the door to the house, and run it going straight to a dumpster.  

 

 

About a month ago, over 2 weeks I packed and unpacked my MIL's stuff for the last time.  I called her daughters and said that if they want anything of hers, they'd better come and get it when she passes because I'm not doing this again.  One daughter is here this week and I asked her to go through all the pictures and so on, because once her mom is gone, so will be the names of all the people in those shots.  

 

Then I packed up my sister and my mom the following week.  Well, I got them started.  They had to work very hard for the coming 3 weeks to get ready and they still were not ready when their house closed.  I packed 45 boxes, including 5 sets of 12-place settings of dishwater.  THEN I found another set.  Nope.  

 

I labeled the boxes very carefully, though.  One of them says, "J's completely out of date and very heavy and dusty college textbooks"

 

Since that adventure, I've been a maniac about throwing stuff away at my own house.  My dh has been working on it, too.  He's totally with me.

 

My son is now decluttering his room (adulting) and while it sort of breaks my heart to see some of the stuff he doesn't care about anymore, I'm not fishing it out of the wastebasket either (except the Swiss Army Knife).  I have noticed that he has put a few things on MY desk...a ceramic snake he painted when he was 4.  ::::eye roll::::  But there it sits.

 

:0)

 

 

[catz]

There are companies who you can hire to handle an estate sale. They may even be able to go through and donate or trash what doesn't go at the sale. I don't know how affordable this is, but it is an option to look into.

My mom did this when her mother died. It was well worth it. They took a large percentage on the estate sale proceeds. Worth it! She got a check at the end.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not in this situation myself.  My in-laws in Germany...my gawd.  My FIL was what I'd call an organized hoarder.  When he died...it literally took years for my MIL to get rid of all his stuff (nothing happens quickly in Germany).  My MIL sent us a lot of stuff (that we did not want).  Only thing that prevented her from going too crazy is the price of shipping.  She was upset we didn't want a bunch of furniture.  We have furniture.  While the stuff she wanted to give us was nice, it would have been crazy expensive to ship that here and we live in a small place so we would have nowhere to put that stuff. 

 

When she dies...oh good grief.  Except she's a miserable SOB so she'll probably outlive me.  LOL 

 

Thankfully on my side nobody has anything.  One small dumpster could hold it all.

 

 

[Scarlett]

Our family joke is that when this happens, we're going to rent one of those conveyer belt things they use to get shingles onto a roof, and set it right in front of the door to the house, and run it going straight to a dumpster.  

 

 

About a month ago, over 2 weeks I packed and unpacked my MIL's stuff for the last time.  I called her daughters and said that if they want anything of hers, they'd better come and get it when she passes because I'm not doing this again.  One daughter is here this week and I asked her to go through all the pictures and so on, because once her mom is gone, so will be the names of all the people in those shots.  

 

Then I packed up my sister and my mom the following week.  Well, I got them started.  They had to work very hard for the coming 3 weeks to get ready and they still were not ready when their house closed.  I packed 45 boxes, including 5 sets of 12-place settings of dishwater.  THEN I found another set.  Nope.  

 

I labeled the boxes very carefully, though.  One of them says, "J's completely out of date and very heavy and dusty college textbooks"

 

Since that adventure, I've been a maniac about throwing stuff away at my own house.  My dh has been working on it, too.  He's totally with me.

 

My son is now decluttering his room (adulting) and while it sort of breaks my heart to see some of the stuff he doesn't care about anymore, I'm not fishing it out of the wastebasket either (except the Swiss Army Knife).  I have noticed that he has put a few things on MY desk...a ceramic snake he painted when he was 4.  ::::eye roll::::  But there it sits.

 

:0)

 

 

My son is doing round two of purging.  He did the first round last summer when his room was remodeled. And again this week for some reason.  He gave me the big black rubber spider that we regularly pass back and forth to scare each other. 

[Murphy101]

My dad and older siblings do that and I'm going to tell you to say the same thing I tell them.

 

Dad/ailing sister/dying brother, if YOU want something specific to happen with YOUR stuff then YOU need to do it NOW because I won't. I'm not interested in owning your stuff, sorting your stuff, storing your stuff, shipping your stuff, selling your stuff and anything else with your stuff. If YOU want someone to have something or do something, YOU need to give it to them now and do whatever yourself now. That is the ONLY away you can reasonably expect it to happen.

 

Yes. I say it just like that in as kind a tone of voice as possible. But that's the bottom line and I'm honest about it.

 

I also agree with the make no promises rule. You and they have no idea how things may end up and there's just no way you can be sure of keeping any promises without that fore knowledge.

[madteaparty]

You hire someone, put Post-it notes on items and magic happens...

Edited April 20, 2017 by madteaparty

[SparklyUnicorn]

You hire someone and magic happens...

 

Yeah and hell that's got to be cheaper than therapy anyway.  LOL

[Mom22ns]

I went through this with my parents, except that they didn't pressure me to do anything specific with their stuff. I have some things of my mom's that I kept only because they had meaning to her and I have a ton of old picture that I can't identify. I know they are family history, but I don't think I have any family left that can recognize them.

 

In general, we had a sale and got rid of tons of stuff. We had a charity come out and pick up everything left from the sale. Then we cleaned and sold the house.

 

As for me, I have every intention of moving at least one more time before I die and only taking with me what I need plus a few sentimental treasures, but not a ton of extra junk. I want it to be as easy as possible for my kids when I die. They'll probably still think we have too much stuff lol.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry.  My parents are 89 and although their health is slowly declining, they do quite well overall.  They're still in their own home and trying their best to get rid of stuff now.  My dad has always been a very good planner and I'm sure he is thinking of all the stuff we'll have to go through someday.  I'd take that any day, over not having them in my life anymore.  I figure going through stuff and delegating it to either the donate, throw out, or keep pile will not be nearly as difficult as saying good-bye to them.  I know others don't have that same relationship.

[Scarlett]

I'm sorry.  My parents are 89 and although their health is slowly declining, they do quite well overall.  They're still in their own home and trying their best to get rid of stuff now.  My dad has always been a very good planner and I'm sure he is thinking of all the stuff we'll have to go through someday.  I'd take that any day, over not having them in my life anymore.  I figure going through stuff and delegating it to either the donate, throw out, or keep pile will not be nearly as difficult as saying good-bye to them.  I know others don't have that same relationship.

 

 

I do.  My parents have a lot of stuff, but I don't think much about it.  I just want them to move close by me.

[Guest]

My dad and older siblings do that and I'm going to tell you to say the same thing I tell them.

 

Dad/ailing sister/dying brother, if YOU want something specific to happen with YOUR stuff then YOU need to do it NOW because I won't. I'm not interested in owning your stuff, sorting your stuff, storing your stuff, shipping your stuff, selling your stuff and anything else with your stuff. If YOU want someone to have something or do something, YOU need to give it to them now and do whatever yourself now. That is the ONLY away you can reasonably expect it to happen.

 

Yes. I say it just like that in as kind a tone of voice as possible. But that's the bottom line and I'm honest about it.

 

I also agree with the make no promises rule. You and they have no idea how things may end up and there's just no way you can be sure of keeping any promises without that fore knowledge.

 

This.

 

I have done/said this, too.  

 

My son loved trains when he was a kid, and so did his great-grandpa.  But ggpa couldn't let go of a single item, and it made me kind of sad.  My son got a couple of pieces when everyone was picking over All the Things, but it made me sad that the moment of "giving" that *could have been a joy to both* was missed.  

[Ravin]

My dad's wife is younger than him and healthier, so I shouldn't need to worry much about his stuff.

 

My mom systematically purged her house when she and her ex (not my dad) split a few years ago, and has remained aggressively minimalist. I figure my sister J should get most of it, since if mom goes before the youngest two are of age (they are 10 and almost 8), she will also get them. The house should go with the  little kids, too.

[swellmomma]

It is easy to say......but Mom mentions her stuff when she calls.  Seriously.  She even wrote me a letter about it recently.  

 

She talks about death all-the-time.  She always has, but she has ramped it up into high gear lately.  Very high gear.

 

She is homebound now, and feels more on death's door.  But she is making me nuts......she wants me to do specific stuff with some of her junk.  And then there are the 3 funerals I am expected to perform in 3 different states.

 

It really does make me nuts.

 

I would not be promising anything about 3 funerals, plus once she is gone, what's she going to do? haunt you if you don't do all 3? As if, elderly parents can say what they want, but I would not be planning and hosting 3 funerals all over the danged country.

[MotherGoose]

I'm definitely hiring someone, somehow. My aunt and uncle have loads of stuff, some of it valuable, and also have cash stuck in there! Depression era mindset. My father has piles and piles of scrap metal that some recycling company can have. I figure that, in going through the stuff, I should at least get a reasonable hourly rate of return on my labor. My mother and her siblings just sold my grandmothers house nine years after she died. They spent UNTOLD hours cleaning and sorting and doing yard work for NINE years! No. My time is worth something. They will never get anything in inheritance approaching the time they spent. Some of them are retired but some aren't.

[Loowit]

I was dreading this with my iLs but then a year ago they decided to see their house and travel.  They have a small storage unit for some stuff they wanted to keep, but everything else was offered to the kids and then anything left was sold.  A lot of it they donated to our troop garage sale, the rest they sold in their own sale.  It is a relief to us and them.  They had a huge house and my MIL had a lot of stuff.  I think that MIL didn't want her kids to have to worry about their stuff after they are gone.  She really struggled when her own parents passed away.

 

I don't worry about my parents.  My mom is a minimalist so there won't be a lot to take care of and my sister is very organized and will likely handle it all.  And if it were to be an issue one of my sister's friends owns an estate sale business and she would do it for us.

[Guest]

I would not be promising anything about 3 funerals, plus once she is gone, what's she going to do? haunt you if you don't do all 3? As if, elderly parents can say what they want, but I would not be planning and hosting 3 funerals all over the danged country.

Yup. I would say, "Yes, Mother." And then forget about that ten minutes after she draws her last breath. When she's gone, how many funerals she has will be in your hands. Do what is sensible and if people want to come from the four corners of the earth, they will. If they can't or don't care, they won't. Oh well.

[Arctic Bunny]

A long time ago, I used to joke about hiring a bobcat to dig out the side of my dad's basement and just take all the stuff to a dumpster that way. After seeing it for the first time in ten years, I am vacillating between the thoughts that some day I'll either have to hire an estate company to empty it or sell it as is to be knocked down. I so wish I wouldn't have gone in.

[Guest]

I would not be promising anything about 3 funerals, plus once she is gone, what's she going to do? haunt you if you don't do all 3? As if, elderly parents can say what they want, but I would not be planning and hosting 3 funerals all over the danged country.

Me, either.

 

My parents wanted to be interred in another state where my maternal grandparents are buried. We NEVER go there anymore, but we will get this done. However, my younger and single sister wants to be interred there too---she has already bought the niche. Now I ask you, who is going to get that done? I'm getting more decrepit by the hour and can't imagine doing a big road trip in my 80's for this.

 

One funeral per person.

[Wheres Toto]

We've been helping my mother organize her garage and shed because she wants to have some work done on the garage.  She gets very sentimental about stuff and is completely unable to make decisions.   Things that were my stepdad's I understand.  He passed away last year and she's not ready.  

 

BUT, there was a box of unused office supplies.  No personal information, nothing that needed to be shredded.  She couldn't make a decision.

She has EVERY single piece of schoolwork I ever did.  Including failing spelling tests from 3rd grade.  Seriously.

 

I posted this cartoon on Facebook and my mother "liked" it.   :svengo:

 https://www.pinterest.com/pin/259942209724352919/