What was it like having a mother >40 years older than you?(if this was your experience)

[MommyMegan]

Now that you're an adult, can you look back and give me some insight on what it was like having a mother >40 years older than you?

How do you feel it affected your childhood both negatively and positively?   and, fwiw, do you know if you were an ooopsy baby or a planned-for baby?

 

Also, now that you're an adult, what's it like having a parent that much older than you? (i.e. do you feel like your kids missed out on an active grandparent?  Did caring for an elderly parent hit you at a season in your life where you were schmack dab in the middle of having little babies of your own? etc.).    

 

I'd love to hear your perspective.   (My mom was 25 years older than I, so I didn't have this experience)

 

Thanks!

 

[Catwoman]

My mom was 36 when I was born, so I don't have a story to share with you, but I wanted to welcome you to the forum! :)

[eternalsummer]

My mom and I have a good relationship. My dad was 11 years older than mom, and died when I was in my 20s.  I wish I'd gotten more time with him; we were close.

 

However, it was not like my relationship with our kids. we had DD before I was 21.  We do a lot more things sort of together than Mom and Dad and I did; our interests align a bit more, even though the kids are still young.

 

I was much hoped for but not planned.  Mom and Dad had mostly given up on the idea, I think.

[kitten18]

My parents were 40 when I was born. I was definitely an oopsy baby. When I was born, my siblings were 21, 19, 16, and 12 (same parents for all of us). I was a BIG surprise. 😬

 

My childhood was really wonderful. My whole family doted on me, especially my sisters (16 & 12) and we're still super close. My first niece was born when I was 5, and I had 12 nieces and nephews by the time I was 18. I grew up with them. None of them lived in the same town as us but I saw them frequently.

 

My parents always said that I kept them young. They were super involved and never missed any of my activities (easier since I was the only one at home 😉).

 

The only downside, I'm 44 and they're both gone. I lost my dad 9 years ago and my mom almost 7 years ago. 😞

I don't know if it was a conscious effort or not but my sisters stepped up after our mom died and started doing things for my kids that a grandma would do, especially my sister that has grandkids of her own now.

My parents were fantastic grandparent and I wish my kids knew them. I especially wish my DS could have known my dad, he is so much like him that it's scary sometimes.

[Anne]

My grandma had her first child at 18, and her last (my dad) at 42. Dad always felt he'd gotten the short end of the stick. His older siblings remember an energetic mom who gave parties and enjoyed life, but he remembers mostly that she was sick most of his life and his older sister did most of his raising.

 

Anne

[gardenmom5]

:bigear:

 

eta: I just want to add - my mother made no secret I was an "oopsie" baby - and she was 28.

Edited February 22, 2017 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

My parents were 40 when I was born. I was definitely an oopsy baby. When I was born, my siblings were 21, 19, 16, and 12 (same parents for all of us). I was a BIG surprise. 😬

 

My childhood was really wonderful. My whole family doted on me, especially my sisters (16 & 12) and we're still super close. My first niece was born when I was 5, and I had 12 nieces and nephews by the time I was 18. I grew up with them. None of them lived in the same town as us but I saw them frequently.

 

My parents always said that I kept them young. They were super involved and never missed any of my activities (easier since I was the only one at home 😉).

 

The only downside, I'm 44 and they're both gone. I lost my dad 9 years ago and my mom almost 7 years ago. 😞

I don't know if it was a conscious effort or not but my sisters stepped up after our mom died and started doing things for my kids that a grandma would do, especially my sister that has grandkids of her own now.

My parents were fantastic grandparent and I wish my kids knew them. I especially wish my DS could have known my dad, he is so much like him that it's scary sometimes.

 

 

almost the same as my kids when dudeling was born.  he was quasi-planned?  we'd wanted to have another, but nothing happened.  for 10 years.  I was shocked when I got pg. siblings dote upon him.  (for the most part.)

 

age of parents dying - really varies greatly, and there are many factors.  my mother died when she was 78 - my mil is 91.  she's in a wheelchair, but mentally she is all there. (except some days she loops.)  My father died when he was 45, and my fil when he was 53.  (his siblings lived well into their 80s.  I expect dh will too, or even his 90s.).  so, dh and I never knew each others fathers.

 

[EndOfOrdinary]

My grandma had her first child at 18, and her last (my dad) at 42. Dad always felt he'd gotten the short end of the stick. His older siblings remember an energetic mom who gave parties and enjoyed life, but he remembers mostly that she was sick most of his life and his older sister did most of his raising.

 

Anne

This was my father's experience. His parents had a series of miscarriages between my uncle and my father/my aunt. When my grandmother's body chemistry changed in her 40's, she had her last two children. I did not get much time with my grandparents because of this. That has been hard. My father experienced the death of both his parents before he was even 45. That was very hard on him.

 

My parents were not in their 40's, but they were close. Neither was very fun. They still aren't the "fun" grandparents. The gap meant they could not relate well to much of my life and their ideas of family life were extremely conservative. It was difficult. It felt very antiquated.

 

I had my son young (age 20). Though having no twenties was hard, the generation gap is so much smaller. It makes our relationship a lot easier than other parents I know with much wider lengths.

[Guest]

I loved having an older mom. She was 35 when I was born but back in the day that was 40.

 

No competiontion for the clothes or the boys.

I knew who was the adult. So did she.

I saw an accomplished woman pursue her interests AND be a great at-himself mom and wife.

 

We had a lot of fun.

 

She was super stable.

[kitten18]

This was my father's experience. His parents had a series of miscarriages between my uncle and my father/my aunt. When my grandmother's body chemistry changed in her 40's, she had her last two children. I did not get much time with my grandparents because of this. That has been hard. My father experienced the death of both his parents before he was even 45. That was very hard on him.

 

My parents were not in their 40's, but they were close. Neither was very fun. They still aren't the "fun" grandparents. The gap meant they could not relate well to much of my life and their ideas of family life were extremely conservative. It was difficult. It felt very antiquated.

 

I had my son young (age 20). Though having no twenties was hard, the generation gap is so much smaller. It makes our relationship a lot easier than other parents I know with much wider lengths.

I would guess a lot of this is personality and not the age difference.

 

My parents that were 40 years older had no trouble at all relating to me. My dad took me fishing frequently, to college football games every Saturday (when my sister was a cheerleader), taught me to garden, etc.

My mom made our house super welcoming and my friends always hung out at my house.m, everyone was welcome. My BFF actually had her own bed (in the guest room) at our house and and would stay for 2-3 days at a time in the summer even though she only lived 1/2 a block away. 😂

[eternalsummer]

My mom was pretty stable too, although my parents were separated for a few years.  I did still steal some of her clothes. I was not a fashionable child.

 

She didn't care, though - what we fought over was who would read the newest book from the library first.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My mom is 91. I was quite a bit younger than my siblings. I have and had a good relationship with my mom. But my sibling's childhood had a lot more shared active experiences than I had with my parents. For example, my parents took my siblings skiing but by the time I came along they didn't feel like skiing anymore.

 

Because my parents are older they didn't do a lot of babysitting etc. but my mom is still very sharp mentally at 91 and has a good relationship with my kids.

 

In some ways my eldest sister is more like a mom to me when it comes to things like parenting because she remembers this stage in life better.

 

 

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[Corraleno]

I really think health and personality are more significant factors than age. My mother had 4 kids by the time she was 24, and she was never a fun or active mom. She mostly cooked and cleaned and yelled at us for making a mess if we did anything other than sit quietly and watch TV. We've never lived near any of the grandparents, and even if we lived close to my mother or MIL, neither of them are particularly good "grandparent material" anyway. Nothing to do with age.

 

On the other hand, I had DS at 41 and adopted DD at 45, and have always been active and involved with them. I'm pretty fit and healthy and when they were little I was definitely a get-down-on-the-floor-and-play kind of mom. We would hike, ride mountain bikes, make frequent trips to the zoo and various museums, do tons of art and science projects, and we've always done tons of traveling. Last summer we were hiking up glaciers and waterfalls in Iceland; we've done two Lukeion tours and are planning a third this year. I'm way more active and involved with my kids than my mother ever was, despite being roughly twice her age when I became a parent.

[Laura Corin]

My mum was 39 when I was born. I wasn't aware of her age one way or the other when I was small. She was politically engaged and very involved in the women's movement, so she didn't seem old.

 

She was not an involved grandmother. Partly temperament, partly because we lived overseas. She was fit, so that didn't get in the way.

 

She had a medical crisis and now lives with us at age 92. She's very set in her ways, but that could have been the case for a younger woman. For us, care for her is happening as the boys leave home and before we start to downsize, so it fits pretty well.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Laura Corin

[Sneezyone]

I didn't have older parents but DHs parents were 31 and 53 when he was born. He was planned.

 

His father died when he was 3 (heart attack) which plunged the family into poverty.

His mom remarried a man in his 60s, had another child at 40, and then she died at 50 (heart attack). DH was 19 and his younger sister was 10.

His one remaining parent, a stepdad, died when DH was 26 (leukemia). His younger sister was 15 and she's never recovered.

 

Tragedy can strike at any age and for any reason but DH was absolutely adamant about not having kids past 30. He's really been hurt by so many losses and misses his parents. It's lonely being a 26yo orphan.

 

In contrast, my mom had my sister at 36 (which in the 80s was considered geriatric) and my mom's still doing very well. We juuuuust buried my grandmother last year at 92.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Sneezyone

[mumto2]

My mom was 41 when I was born. I was an oops but wanted after they got over the shock. I was the lucky one with a stay at home mom who was active in my stuff. She was my best friend who just passed away last summer.....I miss her so much.

 

Want to add I worried constantly about my parents dying as a child, partly because I knew they were older. I knew the plan and was OK with who I would live with etc. My dad died when I was 34. I was happy to give my kids parents in their 30's because of that but my kids worry far more than I ever did. Almost all their close friends have had a parent die or incredibly ill in recent years. Age doesn't really matter when your buddy's 37 yo mom dies of cancer. I could make a huge list. Somehow being a bit younger didn't make my kids worry free.

[DawnM]

My mother was 36 but she has always been an older 36 years older.  She has always had health issues, never had energy (auto-immune issues, bronchitis often, etc...) so she felt older.  And she has some mental health issues.  And looking at mumto2's answer I want to add that I was always worried my mom would die, but that is because she told me, from the day she turned 40, "Mommy is going to die.  Daddy will take care of you."   I wish I were joking.

 

I think if she had not had physical and mental health issues, things would have been fine.

 

I am 37 years older than my youngest son.  As long as I can keep up and keep active and young, I think it will be fine.

[marbel]

My  parents were 40 when I was born.   I think I had a pretty normal life as a kid despite their ages.  I do remember being teased about my mom's apparent age when she briefly worked in my school cafeteria.  Some kids said something like "is that your mom?  She looks like a grandma."  It's true she had gray hair.  But we camped and hiked every summer for 2 weeks; my parents like exploring new places.  I was an adult by the time my dad retired (my mom never worked except for the school cafe stint).   I don't think any of the 3 of us were planned - I have 2 older siblings, we are all 5 years apart. 

 

I was 35 when my dad died and 45 when my mom died.  Neither had lengthy illnesses or infirmities so I was spared a lot of elder care.  (That sounds bad - not that I wouldn't have wanted them around longer, but there's no denying some people have difficult years with aging parents.)

 

The thing is, having older parents doesn't seem strange because - that's what you have.  You  may know that your friends' parents are younger but everyone's families are different anyway.  At least, I don't recall thinking my family was much different than anyone else's.  My folks were just my folks, right?  

 

My kids were born when I was 41 and 42.  I wouldn't have planned it that way but I married late.   I am the one who would like to camp but no one else does.  We hike and do stuff together.  I noticed this summer that I was a little slower and more painstaking on a difficult trail that had been easier for me before.  But I was always clumsy so scrambling over rocks was always challenging for me, even when younger.  My kids were delighted to help me.   My kids and I have similar musical tastes and when my daughter got tickets to a concert and wasn't sure if she could find anyone to go, she was going to take me. I was kinda sad when she found a friend to go along.  :-)   My daughter has often said that I seem younger than some of her friends' parents.  

 

Now, both my parents are gone but my husband's parents are young.  (My husband is younger than I, and his parents were young when he was born, so there was a huge age gap.)  My  kids still miss my mom and think of her more as a grandma than they do of the one they have.  She was more active and involved with them than my MIL is.   She got on the floor and played with trains and such with them - my MIL never did that.   

 

My kids will be adults before I am truly elderly.  I might not live long enough to see grandchildren.  But I have lost friends in their 30s who had kids in their 20s - they never saw their kids reach high school.  Some young parents become invalids.  

 

If you are finding yourself pregnant over 40, welcome to the club.  

 

Maybe my kids are bothered by it more than I know.  If so, they hide it well.  

 

 

 

 

[Zinnia]

My dh's parents were 35 and 38 when he was born.  Might as well have been a million.  He was very much an oops baby (with 14, 13, and 10 year old siblings).  They told him almost every day of his life how they were "older parents," and it impacted their parenting a lot.  By the time he was a teenager, they were old and tired and didn't have much patience for him, which impacted a lot of decisions they made.  

 

They are still alive (they are 79 and 82), but they are not very active grandparents.  They weren't active grandparents to the oldest granddaughter who is now 35, either, so I think it's mostly personality.  At the time, they said that they couldn't be because they still had a child at home.  There are 6 grandchildren in the middle when they had no children at home....still not active.  Just not their thing.

 

We had our babies in our 30s.  Dh was 40 when the last of the four was born.  He is determined to give ours a different childhood, and we are active with them.  Not as active as a 20 year old, I suppose, but we also like the 40 year old us better than the 20 year old us, so there's that.  We always tease that we got our early 30 angst out of the way as our oldest were toddlers.  I remember my parents going through their early 30 angst, and I'm glad to spare my kids.  :)

[MotherGoose]

My dad was born to a 37 year old mom in 1939. My grandfather was born in 1892. Obviously he died when I was a baby. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, who died when I was 9. She lived next door and had a farm with us and we spent lots of time outside following her around in the garden. I was born when my parents were 34 and 35, so old by 80s standards. I am 42 and have a toddler as well as 2 olders. I think having older parents is pretty normal these days. I know I'm a much better parent than I would've been at 25.

Edited February 22, 2017 by MotherGoose

[KungFuPanda]

My grandmother was in her 40s when I was born. She was active my entire childhood. She would have been very active if she were mothering at that age. However, if she was 60 when I was born I don't know that my relationship with HER would be as important in my life or that my children would have their great-grandmother around to remember and cherish. She lives with my mom now at 93 and she's OLD. She was never old before. My baby is 16, so I'm glad my kids had that family dynamic.

[J-rap]

This seems like a strange question to me...  Too many things play a part in it.  You can have a healthy, active 40+ year old or a not-so-healthy, slower 30+ year old and that already skews the question.  

 

My dh had a 40+ year old mother, and more siblings after him, too.  His mother was active, fun, and I'm sure it never even occurred to him that she was 40+ vs. 30+.  He got to know his grandparents too, and be actively involved in helping them through their deteriorating health as a teen, which he was grateful for.  (not the deteriorating health part of course, but that he was old enough to be able to help them)

 

My own parents are 88 and 89 and active in all of their grandchildren's lives -- traveling to visit them, attending their college graduations and weddings, etc.  So, you never know!

 

[ktgrok]

I would guess a lot of this is personality and not the age difference.

 

My parents that were 40 years older had no trouble at all relating to me. My dad took me fishing frequently, to college football games every Saturday (when my sister was a cheerleader), taught me to garden, etc.

My mom made our house super welcoming and my friends always hung out at my house.m, everyone was welcome. My BFF actually had her own bed (in the guest room) at our house and and would stay for 2-3 days at a time in the summer even though she only lived 1/2 a block away. 😂

 

Yeah, my parents were young but my friend with the oldest parents was also the one who's house we all hung out at. Her parents were favorites in the group, very cool, tons of fun etc.

 

Also, although this baby will be my first over 40, I was in my late 30s with my last two and a MUCH better, more involved mom than with my first in my twenties. Not due to age as much as experience as well as financially being able to be home more, etc. 

[FaithManor]

I don't have personal experience, but a dear friend was born when her mother was 47 and her dad 50. They had no other children, and she was a big surprise. Her dad died of heart disease when she was 12 and her mother of cancer when she was 16. They were both only children and the grandparents were dead. With no aunts and uncle to go to and the threat of foster care from CPS, she hired a lawyer to help her become emancipated then went to live at a high school friend's house. She has been a very lonely woman.

 

She says her parents should never have had her. The medical history on both sides was young death (60 and under) from cancet and heart disease with no one in many generations going back living past 63. They had remained childless by choice then suddenly decided that if it was possible to have one they should.

 

She wonders what was going on in their heads.

 

And that loneliness contributed to her marrying the first guy that came along who had parents that showed her kindness. The marriage was a shambles.

 

But these things are all so individual with many many factora involved. I don't there is much of a conclusion to be made about the issue.

[Paige]

I think it's strange to think it is unusual to have older parents. With birth control being relatively new, it seems like most generations except the 2-3 most recent ones, would have found older parents normal. My grandparents were all about 70 when I was born and close to or over 40 when my parents were born. My parents were among the last born children in the family- but not the last. One of my grandmothers was very involved and active until she was mid-80s. The other 2 grandparents were sort of distant and I think they were maybe just not into it? They had probably 40 other grandkids or great-grandkids by the time I came around- no exaggeration!- so I was lucky if they could remember my name. My other grandfather died before I was born but not because he was old. 

 

My parents were 30 when they had me and I thought it was old at the time, but my best friend's mother was 45 when she was born and she was awesome! I loved going to their house and other than having super gray hair, I never noticed that she was older than my mom. 

 

These days, it's also common for grandparents to raise kids. My parents are regular middle class grandparents and their 2 best friends are raising new grandchildren on their own and my dad's cousin just adopted a sibling set of 3. I don't think it's anything to worry about as long as you are doing your best! 

 

I always wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30, but now I'm having a surprise. I'll be advanced maternal age this time, which sounds scary, but the more I read, the more I think it will be fine. We will have no trouble finding a babysitter with 3-4 teenagers in the house and all their friends! I am going to make a concentrated effort to not be a fuddy duddy. DH is older than me and, IMO, turning a little fuddy duddy, but I've determined there's no need for me to join him. Lots of women in my family have had children at older ages and they seem very happy. 

[TravelingChris]

My mom was 40 when I was born and she had my sister at 43. I loved my parents and don't think I missed out on that much- sports with them other than rowing, swimming, and hiking but most importantly time. My father died when I was 13 and my mother died when I was 23. I knew I wouldn't have kids late because I didn't want us to die before they were adults or had children. Four more years to go and all my kids will have me alive longer than I had my mom.

 

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[ktgrok]

I do think health plays a factor, I'm healthier now at nearly 41 than I was at 35. And my parents are still going strong, and my grandparents lived long lives. 

 

But it is true that before birth control, older women had children all the time. 

[mommyoffive]

I didn't have an older mom, but I had my baby at 37.  So older.  I wish that I would have started having kids before.   

[regentrude]

My grandma was 44 when my mother was born and 72 when I was born. The first few years of my life, grandma raised me, because my mom working in a different city. So there as a 72 year old taking me to the park and to well baby checkups and cooking food etc. She (grandma) died when I was in college.

Edited February 22, 2017 by regentrude

[gardenmom5]

My mom was 41 when I was born. I was an oops but wanted after they got over the shock. I was the lucky one with a stay at home mom who was active in my stuff. She was my best friend who just passed away last summer.....I miss her so much.

 

Want to add I worried constantly about my parents dying as a child, partly because I knew they were older. I knew the plan and was OK with who I would live with etc. My dad died when I was 34. I was happy to give my kids parents in their 30's because of that but my kids worry far more than I ever did. Almost all their close friends have had a parent die or incredibly ill in recent years. Age doesn't really matter when your buddy's 37 yo mom dies of cancer. I could make a huge list. Somehow being a bit younger didn't make my kids worry free.

 

I was 12 when my father died at 45.  dh was 19/20 when his father died at 53.

I had friends in school whose father's died - and they weren't "older" when their children were born.

my irl bff's dh died from a massive heart attack at 38.

My dad was born to a 37 year old mom in 1939. My grandfather was born in 1892. Obviously he died when I was a baby. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, who died when I was 9. She lived next door and had a farm with us and we spent lots of time outside following her around in the garden. I was born when my parents were 34 and 35, so old by 80s standards. I am 42 and have a toddler as well as 2 olders. I think having older parents is pretty normal these days. I know I'm a much better parent than I would've been at 25.

so was mine!  he died the month before I was born.  (my father didn't have much contact, but some.  his parents divorced when he was two.)

My other grandfather, with whom I spent much time, was born in 1902.  the same year as one of dh's uncles.  (they died six weeks apart. I was 24?)

dh's grandfather was born in 1872.    fil was born when his parents were in their 40s.  (his 18 year old sister was angry he wasn't a sister.  then she looked at him . . she became a 2nd mother.)  if fil had been alive when dudeling was born - he would have been 90.

 

when I was in 2nd grade, a new girl moved to our school.  I thought she was an only - she had four adult siblings who stayed in their previous state.  her mother was in her 40's when she was born - I thought she was really old.  but she was very active and always doing things with kids.

[Mergath]

I would guess a lot of this is personality and not the age difference.

 

My parents that were 40 years older had no trouble at all relating to me. My dad took me fishing frequently, to college football games every Saturday (when my sister was a cheerleader), taught me to garden, etc.

My mom made our house super welcoming and my friends always hung out at my house.m, everyone was welcome. My BFF actually had her own bed (in the guest room) at our house and and would stay for 2-3 days at a time in the summer even though she only lived 1/2 a block away. 😂

 

:iagree:  I know women who have had kids at 40+ and they're fantastic, amazing moms. I had a friend growing up whose parents were in their forties when she was born, and they were always sick and exhausted and were really unavailable for her. Heck, I know parents like that now who are in their twenties. Health and attitude are much more important than age. Though, of course, there is a certain point where age is going to be a factor no matter what, but unless the OP is that woman in her late sixties (!!!) who recently had twins, I don't think it will be an issue. ;)

[mommyoffive]

:iagree:  I know women who have had kids at 40+ and they're fantastic, amazing moms. I had a friend growing up whose parents were in their forties when she was born, and they were always sick and exhausted and were really unavailable for her. Heck, I know parents like that now who are in their twenties. Health and attitude are much more important than age. Though, of course, there is a certain point where age is going to be a factor no matter what, but unless the OP is that woman in her late sixties (!!!) who recently had twins, I don't think it will be an issue. ;)

 

For sure. 

 

Also I think with everything there are pros and cons to each.  

Have them younger and you have more energy but most likely less money.   Things can be more stressful when you are wondering how to pay such and such bill.

 

 

Have them older and you have less energy but most likely more money so maybe you can enjoy your time more.  Not worried about bills.  Take time off work if you want to. 

[wendy not in HI]

My mom was 42 and my dad was 44 when my youngest sister was born.  This was back in the day when no one had babies in their forties.  It seems more common now.  I know they got some of the "how nice that your grandma could bring you to the library today" type comments.  But my mom seemed to just laugh it off. My sister was basically an only child from the time she was about 12 years old, and she was probably a little spoiled ;) what ever that means. My youngest sister had lots of older sisters to hold her when she was a baby and play barbies with when she was older. We all doted on her.  

 

I feel like she kept my parents young.  My in-laws are a little younger than my parents, but they have seemed old since we got married.  My mom was still going to elementary school programs and doing all those fun things you do for Halloween and Christmas when you have little ones, when we got married!  My parents just seemed to stay vital longer than my in-laws.  It could just be a personality thing, but I think part of it is that having young kids brings you into the community in big way (soccer games, holiday concerts, prom, etc).

 

I wish my parents had been able to not worry about money at that time, but my father lost his job at about 55 and never seemed to quite get back - they really struggled for a while there, especially during her high school years.  Which is really unfortunate.  

 

My parents are still fun grandparents to my youngest sister's kids! 

 

It almost makes me want to have one more...

[Frosch]

My mom was 38 when I was born.  My dad was 42.  I got much better parents than my much older siblings did.  They had lost their new parent craziness and I got their mostly undivided attention.  But they never did the real active stuff that I did with my kids.  Granted they became grandparents not long after I was born so I guess I really was raised by grandparents.

Unfortunately, I didn't get much time with my grandparents.  I was a young teenager by the time they were all gone.  And now, I'm in my 40's and both of my parents have now passed.  My siblings are very close to my kids and they help fill that gap.

 

 

 

 

[Moonhawk]

My mom was 40, my dad was 42. I have 2 half sisters, who are 16 and 18 years older than me.  Some people on seeing the gap say, "Oh you were an oops baby!" And my parents and I have always replied, "No, she/I was a miracle." It helped my parents were married only 3 months before announcing my upcoming arrival, and my mom had notoriously hard pregnancies, both getting pregnant and keeping pregnant. 

 

My parents are old-fashioned, even for their generation. I got up earlier than my friends, went to bed earlier, had earlier curfews through high school, etc.  Just stricter in general.  In truth, I didn't mind so much (except for a few specific events) and I think it was overall better for me.

 

I didn't really notice the difference in parent ages until maybe middle or high school. When I was smaller, all parents were just old :)  But, they did get mistaken for grandparents often enough for me to think people were weird. They developed quick answers/clarifications early on. 

 

My parents were more involved in my school life, volunteering, etc. While stricter, it seems they were more patient as well. Can't really explain the difference in how when my friends were over my parents talked and did more stuff with us and planned activities, whereas the other parents tended to let us play in a room. Flip side was I wasn't enrolled in activities that were out later or had to travel (sports teams). We were behind on technology compared to my friends.

 

NOW: My parents are really involved with my kids (they are in their 70's now). Like, see them 4-5 times a week and keep them overnight at least once a week. They are starting to have health problems, so we do need to be flexible (home schooling helps this, especially now that I am not working). Mostly Im grateful they are close to my kids, and are still very active. I know this is starting to change and will continue to go away. But, my mom still subs teaching and my dad has a social life, so they aren't just sitting in a dusty house wasting away. In fact, I think having grandkids has really helped them stay active and have something to look forward to.  My dad especially seemed to be slowing down pre-grandkids, but having a baby around kicked him back up.  Of course, this is mostly dependent on personalities -- my dad loves the early years of kids. 

 

 

[freesia]

My last was born when I was 41.  I think I've been a better, more involved Mom to her than when I was overwhelmed with 3 littles in my mid 30s.  The only think that tires me is keeping my head in the game about being consistent with her since I feel like "I've taught this before/dealt with this discipline issue a million times."  That is more a factor of amount of kids, though. 

 

My Dad was 37 years older than I was (40 years older than my youngest brother).  He did always seem old and could have been more involved--but I definitely remember good times with him.  And, in retrospect, some of the issues may have been that as one of 3 brothers who went to Catholic Boy's schools his whole life (through college) teen girls may have completely mystified him.

 

I also think it's hard to compare generations.  It wasn't until the 80s that parents really started getting more involved with their kids in the way we think of it now.  Parenting in the 70s was much more hands-off than we think  of it now--and an older parent then (one that could have parented in the 50s and 60s) would have been much, much different than those of us who parent in the 21st century

[maize]

My parents were both about 45 when my youngest sibling was born. They were active, involved parents throughout her childhood.

 

It is true that they are aging now (late 60's) and by the time she is middle aged will not be super active and energetic (assuming both are still around) but on the other hand she has a whole passel of older siblings to fill family relationship spots in her life.

[ktgrok]

My parents were both about 45 when my youngest sibling was born. They were active, involved parents throughout her childhood.

 

It is true that they are aging now (late 60's) and by the time she is middle aged will not be super active and energetic (assuming both are still around) but on the other hand she has a whole passel of older siblings to fill family relationship spots in her life.

 

I think maybe that does help. At least, I hope it does as I get ready to have this little baby at nearly 41!!! She'll be baby number 4, with a 17 year gap with the oldest and a 4 yr gap with the youngest. 

[kitten18]

I think maybe that does help. At least, I hope it does as I get ready to have this little baby at nearly 41!!! She'll be baby number 4, with a 17 year gap with the oldest and a 4 yr gap with the youngest.

It definitely made a big difference for me.

[Um_2_4]

My mom was near that and my dad was much older. I was the "the dr said we couldn't have any, surprise baby". They were involved (went to all my events in high school) and we traveled on family vacations often when I was younger. But they both passed when I was 20-22. Neither saw grandkids. Only my mom met my DH (and that was when she was very ill w/cancer). So I feel alone. Yes I have DH and my kids, but I have no extended family. My mom was an only, my dad was the youngest of 14 (by a large gap) and all the aunts/uncles passed by the time I was little. If there are any distant cousins out there, they never knew my dad or his family. I think if you have an active extended family, it would be vastly different. Aunts/uncles and cousins ready to be involved in their lives.

But I decided not to have any kids after 40. Just in case. We live too far from DH's sisters/brothers to be actively involved with my kids (just send pics/updates, they talk on whatsapp and the like once in a while).

[Wheres Toto]

I agree with the personality, life circumstances more than age.   My mother was a single, working mom and we were very poor.  She was never the "fun" mom.  We would play board games, listen to the radio together, read together but didn't do things out of the house, she never came to my track meets, etc.  She also was hard to relate to because of the way she grew up she had a lot of fears.   She was 24 when I was born. 

 

We did more vacations and activities with my dad on his weekends (when he showed) or my grandparents who we spent a ton of time with.   

 

Dh relates very well to our kids but then again, he acts like a kid despite being 60 years old.   :rolleyes:  He takes them fishing, we go camping, hiking, rafting, etc.  We run our 4-H club together.  

 

All of our parents are still alive.  Dh's are in their 80's and somewhat failing health, although they still live at home and get around.  He takes the kids to visit them about once a  month.  My mother is 72 and doing okay.  She lives local so we see her all the time.  My stepfather did just pass away last year.  My dad we see about 4 or 5 times a year, major holidays and birthdays.  

 

 

[ktgrok]

 I think if you have an active extended family, it would be vastly different. Aunts/uncles and cousins ready to be involved in their lives.

 

 

Not a large extended family, but my kids are close to my sister and consider their cousins their best friends, so hopefully that helps too. 

[solascriptura]

My dad was 37 when I was born but as a child, I was acutely aware that he was older than my mom. I had nightmares about him dying that I still remember.

 

I've been reading in the news about geriatric pregnancies and women who are having babies at 60. I'm being judgey but I really think that it's selfish. That child will be lucky to have his or her mom alive past the teenage years.

[wintermom]

This seems like a strange question to me...  Too many things play a part in it.  You can have a healthy, active 40+ year old or a not-so-healthy, slower 30+ year old and that already skews the question.  

 

My dh had a 40+ year old mother, and more siblings after him, too.  His mother was active, fun, and I'm sure it never even occurred to him that she was 40+ vs. 30+.  He got to know his grandparents too, and be actively involved in helping them through their deteriorating health as a teen, which he was grateful for.  (not the deteriorating health part of course, but that he was old enough to be able to help them)

 

My own parents are 88 and 89 and active in all of their grandchildren's lives -- traveling to visit them, attending their college graduations and weddings, etc.  So, you never know!

 

:iagree:   I had my youngest at 40, and I'm very active with all the dc 10 years later and hopefully for another 30 years. My parents are in their late 70s and as involved with their grandkids as they can be living on the other side of the continent.

[2_girls_mommy]

I had my first at 18 and my last at 39.5 with two in between. My oldest passed away young, but had she lived my kids would have been 20, 11, 9, and newborn when youngest was born. I love the age gaps. I feel I am a much better mom than I was as a teenager. I have more experience with toddlers and preschoolers with this one than I had in my late 20s/ early 30's when the other two were born. I am doing the teenager thing with them now, and she will have the benefits of my experience when she gets there. She is doted on by sisters. She will be taken care of by them if need be when they are adults. I did the same for my sisters in my 20s as the oldest. It is family. That's what you do.  My husband is 9 years older than I am. So I was 39.5 he was 48.5 when last was born. I'd have had one more if it had happened right away. This one was planned. It just took a long time for it to happen. We didn't mean to have such a big gap, but are so blessed.  I plan to homeschool her and be just as active as I have been with them.  She will be starting K when the older is starting her senior year. She will be finishing 2nd grade when the next is graduating. So most of her schooling she will be at home alone with me. I will have to be active to get her out and about. But I have spent all of their years volunteering at scouts, church, co-ops to make their experiences good. I will do the same for her to the best of my abilities. If/when I go back to work at some point some things might change, but I still plan to make her school my priority. I will work part time or in evenings when dh retires. And he will work part time alternating schedules or something. 

[Sarah CB]

I loved having an older mom. She was 35 when I was born but back in the day that was 40.

 

No competiontion for the clothes or the boys.

I knew who was the adult. So did she.

I saw an accomplished woman pursue her interests AND be a great at-himself mom and wife.

 

We had a lot of fun.

 

She was super stable.

 

Is that a thing? Competition for clothes or boys? 

 

I had dd at 18. She's 21 now. There's never been competition over clothes or boys (though she did steal my sweat pants for a few weeks and I *really* wanted them back). 

 

She's always known who the adult is - much more so than my current 14 year old. 

[Sarah CB]

I had my first at 18 and my last at 39.5 with two in between. My oldest passed away young, but had she lived my kids would have been 20, 11, 9, and newborn when youngest was born. I love the age gaps. I feel I am a much better mom than I was as a teenager. I have more experience with toddlers and preschoolers with this one than I had in my late 20s/ early 30's when the other two were born. 

 

Do you really? I feel like I was a way better parent with my first - I was 18 when she was born. Actually, she'll tell you that I was a better parent with her.

 

I just feel tired now.

 

If I ended up pregnant now - at 39 - I would honestly want to give it up for adoption. Or leave it with dh and run away to the circus.

 

ETA: That sounded a little harsh. I loved - *loved* - homeschooling and being with my kids. And I obviously still love my kids. They're a ton of fun and they're pretty cool people. But, I couldn't start over again now. And I find I just don't have that same idealistic energy I had ten years ago.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Sarah CB

[Sneezyone]

Is that a thing? Competition for clothes or boys? 

 

I had dd at 18. She's 21 now. There's never been competition over clothes or boys (though she did steal my sweat pants for a few weeks and I *really* wanted them back). 

 

She's always known who the adult is - much more so than my current 14 year old. 

 

I dunno about competition or questioning my role as an adult/parent but DD was in my bedroom two hours ago ISO a shirt to wear to a school dance.  :glare:

Edited February 22, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Alicia64]

Just something to keep in mind: the era will impact the experience. My parents both has older parents and my dad especially talks about how embarrassing it was when my "old" grandma would pick him up at school. She had him at 40.

 

He would say, "pick me up a block away" so that kids didn't see her. She looked great, but she wasn't 35 either.

 

I'm an older mom, but look/dress younger than a lot of younger moms. So it hasn't been an issue.

 

Re: taking care of elderly parents. Definitely that's a good question. I'm working much harder than my grandmas, though, to eat right, stay fit etc. etc. Hoping I live long with better quality of life so I don't burden my kids (as much).

 

Alley

 

 

[Guest]

Is that a thing? Competition for clothes or boys? 

 

I had dd at 18. She's 21 now. There's never been competition over clothes or boys (though she did steal my sweat pants for a few weeks and I *really* wanted them back). 

 

She's always known who the adult is - much more so than my current 14 year old. 

 

It was for my sister's best friend growing up.  She spent an awful lot of time at our house because of it.  So I grew up appreciating having a grown-up mom.  I'm sure that is not the case for most people...but it was part of my growing up. 

 

One other thing--I *am* the older mom, and I wish I had been a bit younger than I was...mostly because of the energy level thing.  My situation is a little odd in that I got very sick with auto-immune in my son's late elementary years, and that cut into doing the things I wanted to do with him/for him.  But there ya go...things don't always go the way we want them to.  :0)