Every year I get a gift basket full of what I can't eat :(

[housemouse]

every item would have milk in it. And I have told my family I can't have milk for the last three years and yet again, another gift basket was just delivered this afternoon full of items with milk. I tried nicely redirecting them towards non food items- books, amazon, etc. that first year. Now, I don't even mention it. It is just sad that they either don't care or do it on purpose. Every year $70 spent on basket of food not being eaten- I won't even give it to my kids because most of it is a chemistry set and we eat pretty clean. I'd rather they spend it on books for kids- my kids love to read, but apparently the family is just not getting the memo or does not care enough.

 

Oh well, now I have to make a phone call to my mother to thank her for the gift basket as it is expected. Sending a thank you text or email is considered rude.

 

What can I do, if anything,  to deter this kind of gift giving?

 

Thank you for letting me vent a bit.

 

[displace]

:(. Maybe say you had a bunch of testing done and found out you're allergic to milk? You don't have to disclose you tested ten years ago, or whenever. Depending on the age of the giver, I'd assume they will forget in the future again. I'd regift it ATM to a charity, place of business or office you appreciate, neighbor, church, or other relative.

 

ETA - even if you're not allergic you can word it as you didn't realize she didn't know but you can't have any milk products, or the company sent the milk products basket instead of the tea one, or something.

Edited December 22, 2016 by displace

[sassenach]

Have you ever told her, not that you can't eat it, but that you don't  eat it?

 

"Hi mom! Got the basket. Merry Christmas! I gave it to my neighbors because we aren't able to eat any of it, but it's just lovely. Thank you!"

 

Then when she's all shocked because you're giving her gift away, you can remind her that you previously told her that you are unable to eat any of it.

 

Maybe that would do the trick.

[housemouse]

:(. Maybe say you had a bunch of testing done and found out you're allergic to milk? You don't have to disclose you tested ten years ago, or whenever. Depending on the age of the giver, I'd assume they will forget in the future again. I'd regift it ATM to a charity, place of business or office you appreciate, neighbor, church, or other relative.

They have been told that there has been testing done and even saw the test report. Nothing.

 

Never thought of regifting to a place of business. Thanks for the suggestion.

[zoobie]

If they're rude enough to send you crap you can't eat, they can suck up the "rude" text thank you.

 

Or write a thank you note on lovely stationery:

Dearest Mother,

Thank you for the basket of foods I cannot consume. It helps me avoid overindulgence. I dropped it off at the local library/police station/fire station this afternoon.

Smooches,

Housemouse

Edited December 22, 2016 by zoobie

[housemouse]

Have you ever told her, not that you can't eat it, but that you don't  eat it?

 

"Hi mom! Got the basket. Merry Christmas! I gave it to my neighbors because we aren't able to eat any of it, but it's just lovely. Thank you!"

 

Then when she's all shocked because you're giving her gift away, you can remind her that you previously told her that you are unable to eat any of it.

 

Maybe that would do the trick.

Yes, I have told her I can't eat. Not that I gave it away. I'll have to say I gave it away- I already see the entire family commenting on my ungratefulness. Can't win.

[housemouse]

If they're rude enough to send you crap you can't eat, they can suck up the "rude" text thank you.

 

Or write a thank you note on lovely stationery:

Dearest Mother,

Thank you for the basket of foods I cannot consume. It helps me avoid overindulgence. I dropped it off at the local library/police station/fire station this afternoon.

Smooches,

Housemouse

Love it. Thank you- that made me laugh.

[melbotoast]

I like the regifting idea. Maybe they figure the rest of your family will eat what you can't, so giving it away should make it clear that you really don't want it!

[CadenceSophia]

I like all those suggestions :) I can't ever eat food people give me but *if* I still get a food gift, at least I can usually see where the effort went in. It was potentially easier for us because DS is almost as bad as I am. I was not afraid of being rude and just handing back what he couldn't eat. It still took about 5 years for the inlaws to start to catch on (and seeing the disappointment on DS's face for a couple years). I think the giant tube of M&M's that we had to take out of his hands in front of them finally helped them get it.

 

Your mom probably thinks "there must be something" in there you will enjoy and that you will share the rest with the kids. Doesnt make it any easier. I don't know why some well meaning people can't wrap their heads around actually reading labels.

[Kebo]

Since she likes giving food, could you ask for a fruit basket for next year?  

[Janeway]

every item would have milk in it. And I have told my family I can't have milk for the last three years and yet again, another gift basket was just delivered this afternoon full of items with milk. I tried nicely redirecting them towards non food items- books, amazon, etc. that first year. Now, I don't even mention it. It is just sad that they either don't care or do it on purpose. Every year $70 spent on basket of food not being eaten- I won't even give it to my kids because most of it is a chemistry set and we eat pretty clean. I'd rather they spend it on books for kids- my kids love to read, but apparently the family is just not getting the memo or does not care enough.

 

Oh well, now I have to make a phone call to my mother to thank her for the gift basket as it is expected. Sending a thank you text or email is considered rude.

 

What can I do, if anything, to deter this kind of gift giving?

 

Thank you for letting me vent a bit.

If your mother is local, thank her for it when you drop the basket back off to her to eat and tell her you can't eat it.

 

Are the kids all allergic too?

[Carol in Cal.]

What is the thought behind the food?  Is it festive?  Chocolatey for Christmas?  Similar to what you had as a kid?

I think you could think of it as the thought, not the food.

 

My grandmother was unable to eat fruit for quite a few years because of something wrong with her kidneys.  People sent her these big boxes of mixed dried fruit and chocolates, and she would serve them to her guests.  She actually LIKED having something to serve, because she was at a point in her life where she didn't cook much and didn't really have a budget for snack food or treats.  I never heard her say a word about not being able to eat it herself, but my mother told me the truth, and I thought it was really nice.  (Not that you're not, but I just thought maybe you could reframe it a bit, since it bites so much.)

 

Also, sometimes people are just totally clueless. When I couldn't eat fat for a few years, I would ask whether things had fat in them, and once a waiter said, no, just pasta and cream and veggies.  Uh right.  Nixo on that cream, which would lay me out for 3 days.  But she was sincere, she just didn't think of cream as fat.

 

I wish your family was more thoughtful, though.  It must be very frustrating.

[TheReader]

It could be ignorance, not realizing that "allergic to milk" also means "and all things even slightly made with milk." Some people who have lactose intolerance can eat products made with milk, so many people don't realize when others actually cannot consume anything made with milk, at all.

 

I love the suggestion to drop the basket off at your local fire station, police station, doctor's office, etc. and let your mom know how you appreciate the thought but since it is foods you can't eat, you found someone else to give it to.

 

(((Hugs))), because I totally understand relatives who give thoughtless gifts but expect you to be thankful for it anyway, and who will then declare you ungrateful for not reacting appropriately. (((Hugs)))

[housemouse]

What is the thought behind the food?  Is it festive?  Chocolatey for Christmas?  Similar to what you had as a kid?

I think you could think of it as the thought, not the food.

 

My grandmother was unable to eat fruit for quite a few years because of something wrong with her kidneys.  People sent her these big boxes of mixed dried fruit and chocolates, and she would serve them to her guests.  She actually LIKED having something to serve, because she was at a point in her life where she didn't cook much and didn't really have a budget for snack food or treats.  I never heard her say a word about not being able to eat it herself, but my mother told me the truth, and I thought it was really nice.  (Not that you're not, but I just thought maybe you could reframe it a bit, since it bites so much.)

 

Also, sometimes people are just totally clueless. When I couldn't eat fat for a few years, I would ask whether things had fat in them, and once a waiter said, no, just pasta and cream and veggies.  Uh right.  Nixo on that cream, which would lay me out for 3 days.  But she was sincere, she just didn't think of cream as fat.

 

I wish your family was more thoughtful, though.  It must be very frustrating.

That is the thing- they don't ask, just send us stuff. When I asked for non-food stuff- I asked for books because we are readers here but I keep getting gift baskets :(

[MomatHWTK]

If that's the worst thing your mom does to you, just say "thanks" and give it to charity. If you don't see it being useful for the charity specifically- give it to a charitable office (i.e. the staff at the local Y or Women's Shelter, or whatever place you'd like to show appreciation.) :grouphug:  

[scrapbookbuzz]

I honestly wouldn't even thank her. At this point you are not the one being rude if don't thank her. SHE is because you have repeatedly

told her you can't have most of what she gives you and she still sends you the same blasted thing. There is no "it's the thought that counts 

here" because she is NOT being thoughtful of you.

 

If she then has the audacity to ask you why you didn't thank her (which goes beyond rude), be honest. "I've told you before I can't eat those things."

Yes, she'll be 'hurt' but maybe that little bit of sting will actually make her think twice about it next year. Or not. But there is no reason to thank someone

who just plain isn't listening to you.

[Garga]

People are so strange!

 

As another poster said, does she understand that the products in the basket have milk in them? Sometimes people just don't put two and two together and realize that MILK chocolate has MILK in it.

 

If you've told her that you cannot eat the specific items in that specific basket, then I'd give it away and tell her. "Thank you for the lovely thought, but since I'm allergic to milk I gave the basket to ..."

 

People are just too strange to me lately. I'm running out of patience.

[Tess in the Burbs]

well there was the year DS was diagnosed with peanuts/treenuts and more allergies.  I called ahead of time and explained he can't eat a lot of things this year, we would bring our own food.  AND I told them to not put out their normal nut buffet.  Guess what?  The nut buffet was still there.  People eating and touching every surface in the house.  I had booked a hotel but I was washing his arms constantly to keep hives from forming.  People don't care about others needs.  Talk till you are blue in the face.  People don't care.  

I would thank her, but next year remind her no dairy AND then ask for something specific

[38carrots]

What is in the gift basket? Is it clear to the un-initiated that it is milk based?

 

If you had a good (mutually open, loving) relationship with your mother, this wouldn't be an issue. You'd chuckle over her forgetfullness, laugh with her about it, and that would be it.

 

So obviously, you don't have a good relationship. Why worry about a thank you  note then? Give the basket to your dentist and carry on.

[fraidycat]

every item would have milk in it. And I have told my family I can't have milk for the last three years and yet again, another gift basket was just delivered this afternoon full of items with milk. I tried nicely redirecting them towards non food items- books, amazon, etc. that first year. Now, I don't even mention it. It is just sad that they either don't care or do it on purpose. Every year $70 spent on basket of food not being eaten- I won't even give it to my kids because most of it is a chemistry set and we eat pretty clean. I'd rather they spend it on books for kids- my kids love to read, but apparently the family is just not getting the memo or does not care enough.

 

Oh well, now I have to make a phone call to my mother to thank her for the gift basket as it is expected. Sending a thank you text or email is considered rude.

What can I do, if anything, to deter this kind of gift giving?

 

Thank you for letting me vent a bit.

Skip the expected phone call. Send a text - thanks for the food pantry donation, I'm sure they'll make good use of it.

[MercyA]

People don't care about others needs.  Talk till you are blue in the face.  People don't care.  

 

Truth. They don't care, and/or they think...

 

It's all in their head.

A little won't hurt.

They're so mean to not let their kid eat that.

She's probably just picky.

I can eat it with no problems.

 

:banghead:

 

My sympathies, OP.

[BooksandBoys]

Truth. They don't care, and/or they think...

 

It's all in their head.

A little won't hurt.

They're so mean to not let their kid eat that.

She's probably just picky.

I can eat it with no problems.

 

:banghead:

 

My sympathies, OP.

Perhaps I've been lucky because most people in our lives go out of their way to accommodate my sons' and my food allergies.

 

But, I've definitely had a few who decided it is all in our heads and were rude about it. The worst offenses were always family. The year my brother's wife told me not to bring any of our food because she has discussed our allergies and really wanted to do all of the holiday meal for us...then every single thing she served was something we couldn't eat. I was so glad I had a few snacks for him in the car. I didn't have any for me though. 😬

 

She was shocked when we just didn't eat. I wasn't rude about it at all, that's not my nature, just matter of fact. We can't eat this because it's green beans. He can't eat green beans. Etc etc. she actually said to me, "I thought you just meant that he can't have those things very often" and "how can a person not be able to eat green beans?"

 

Seriously, when I specifically mentioned that he can't eat green beans ahead of time, she thought I was lying?

 

She learned after that (very short) visit. Now I bring some food and she makes one dish that we can all eat and makes her normal things for everyone else. Works for me.

[Laurie4b]

I'm with those wondering if there is a misunderstanding about what "can't have milk" means and don't realize it covers ingredients in things that don't look like dairy.  I can see some people even thinking as long as it's not actual milk it's okay. Could that be the issue? 

 

I once almost goofed in a Sunday school class. The mother had told me that her child couldn't have dairy. We were having apple juice and crackers or something. I thought "No problem." Fortunately, the other teacher thought about the possibility of butter being an ingredient--and sure enough it was. It wasn't that I didn't care. It's that I lacked information and practice at figuring it out. 

 

[Tanaqui]

Yes, I have told her I can't eat. Not that I gave it away. I'll have to say I gave it away- I already see the entire family commenting on my ungratefulness. Can't win.

 

Do you care?

 

I don't mean that in a snotty way, I'm seriously asking - do you care if they think you're "ungrateful"? Because it's sounding like you don't. And if you don't, then don't talk to them about it. If they email or text you about it - ignore them. If they call, say flat out "I told Mom can't eat those foods. I don't intend to discuss it. This is a private matter between the two of us" and then hang up the phone if they try to discuss it anyway. If you're in person, say just that and then walk away.

 

Seriously, you have no obligation to be the family sounding board.

 

But maybe I'm reading this wrong. Maybe you do care. Maybe you have a great relationship with your mom and everybody else except for this one thing. If that's the case, then you may have to just suck it up and keep on this silly routine, or possibly try the middle ground - "You know, Mom, we really can't eat those things. I appreciate the thought, but the kids and I are severely allergic to most of what you sent and the doctor won't allow it. I had to give it away. I'd really rather you just donate the money straight to the food bank, because they can do a lot more with $70 than just buy a single gift basket. We simply cannot accept food that we haven't purchased ourselves. Allergens sneak in everywhere you least expect them."

[katilac]

If you think she's being passive-aggressive and sending it on purpose, maybe you should rave about how fabulous it is. She's bound to send something different next year! 

[zyxwvut]

Can you return it to the original company?  Those things are expensive!  Use the money to buy whatever you want, and thank your mom for thinking of you.  Or, I would probably just regift it, and be thankful I had one less thing to buy for someone else (who could really use it.).

[Guest]

well there was the year DS was diagnosed with peanuts/treenuts and more allergies. I called ahead of time and explained he can't eat a lot of things this year, we would bring our own food. AND I told them to not put out their normal nut buffet. Guess what? The nut buffet was still there. People eating and touching every surface in the house. I had booked a hotel but I was washing his arms constantly to keep hives from forming. People don't care about others needs. Talk till you are blue in the face. People don't care.

 

I would thank her, but next year remind her no dairy AND then ask for something specific

That is SO insane! Honestly, I think I would have a hard time not blurting out, "WHY are there nuts everywhere?! Do you WANT my child to die?"

[Carrie12345]

 Every year $70 spent on basket of food not being eaten- I won't even give it to my kids because most of it is a chemistry set and we eat pretty clean. I'd rather they spend it on books for kids- my kids love to read, but apparently the family is just not getting the memo or does not care enough.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I agree that it's ridiculous for her to send such a thing, knowing your allergy, but I'd wonder if the intent was that everyone else can eat the milk stuff and, like someone else pondered, "surely there's something in there" that you could eat.

 

When my youngest was dx'ed with MSPI, I was trying very hard to make the whole house milk-free before he would get to the people food stage.  I struggled for months, and my mother couldn't understand why everyone else had to adjust.  Now, she didn't do anything rude like send milk products (that I can remember,) but her home is set up to meet the needs of a lactose-intolerant person while serving regular dairy to everyone else, so that's what she assumed I would do. (Except with proteins, not sugars.)  It wasn't ignorance or rudeness for her, just her own perspective being applied to everyone else.

 

But I do agree with passing it on to a group that will enjoy it!

[Guest]

Truth. They don't care, and/or they think...

 

It's all in their head.

A little won't hurt.

They're so mean to not let their kid eat that.

She's probably just picky.

I can eat it with no problems.

 

:banghead:

 

My sympathies, OP.

I do think many older generation people do not understand the significance of allergies and the way the offending food can be in everything. Or they don't understand how cross-contamination is a serious concern for some people - they think, "Oh, come on! You can't eat the mashed potatoes because someone used this *spoon* to serve the stuffing?"

[ktgrok]

I'm with those wondering if there is a misunderstanding about what "can't have milk" means and don't realize it covers ingredients in things that don't look like dairy.  I can see some people even thinking as long as it's not actual milk it's okay. Could that be the issue? 

 

I once almost goofed in a Sunday school class. The mother had told me that her child couldn't have dairy. We were having apple juice and crackers or something. I thought "No problem." Fortunately, the other teacher thought about the possibility of butter being an ingredient--and sure enough it was. It wasn't that I didn't care. It's that I lacked information and practice at figuring it out. 

 

My husband knew my son couldn't have dairy when we were dating, and was very proud to get him a smoothie made with just yogurt, not milk. 

 

Seriously. 

 

I asked what he thought yogurt was made of??

 

And on the other end my sister thought my son couldn't have eggs, because they are in the dairy case at the store so must be dairy. 

[marbel]

I'm with those wondering if there is a misunderstanding about what "can't have milk" means and don't realize it covers ingredients in things that don't look like dairy.  I can see some people even thinking as long as it's not actual milk it's okay. Could that be the issue? 

 

I once almost goofed in a Sunday school class. The mother had told me that her child couldn't have dairy. We were having apple juice and crackers or something. I thought "No problem." Fortunately, the other teacher thought about the possibility of butter being an ingredient--and sure enough it was. It wasn't that I didn't care. It's that I lacked information and practice at figuring it out. 

 

Yes, I think so too.   

 

We told our in-laws that our daughter developed an allergy to milk which includes milk chocolate.  Every Valentine's Day though she still gets a box of chocolates, almost all milk except for a few token dark pieces.

 

(She can eat milk in some forms - cheese, yogurt, and as an ingredient in baked good.  Basically as long as the milk is cooked and the proteins are changed it's OK.   Except, for some reason, milk chocolate.  But we've never bothered to try to explain this to the in-laws; it's too complicated; we just say "allergic to milk.")

[SparklyUnicorn]

That's very insensitive. 

 

My in-laws buy me candy constantly.  I don't eat candy.  For one I generally don't like it and for another I avoid too much sugar.  I think they just don't know what else to get me and that's something easy. 

 

But yeah whatta ya gonna do?  They are being "thoughtful" (sort of).  If your family can't/won't eat it you could consider donating it.

 

 

[Bambam]

I'm sorry. I could totally see my mom doing this too. She wouldn't understand, nor would she probably remember, she would just have it in her head this was a great thoughtful gift. And no one would be able to correct her either.

 

But, I'm also afraid to say if she ever had listened to me and sent books, I wouldn't like the books either. She would send trashy books - like anything that she saw wherever that looks good. And, whereas I can pass on the unopened food or serve to guests, I'd truly not want to pass on those books because I know they would be bad.  

 

I am sorry that this is happening. I know it hurts that people aren't listening, and it seems that they don't care enough to listen and remember and implement. Try to shrug it off and make something good come from it. 

[SarahW]

I'm with those wondering if there is a misunderstanding about what "can't have milk" means and don't realize it covers ingredients in things that don't look like dairy.  I can see some people even thinking as long as it's not actual milk it's okay. Could that be the issue? 

 

I once almost goofed in a Sunday school class. The mother had told me that her child couldn't have dairy. We were having apple juice and crackers or something. I thought "No problem." Fortunately, the other teacher thought about the possibility of butter being an ingredient--and sure enough it was. It wasn't that I didn't care. It's that I lacked information and practice at figuring it out. 

 

Mhen my kid was in K there was a kid in his class with a peanut allergy, and all the parents got a detailed list of safe and not-safe foods. Highlighted was the fact that the local Publix made their birthday cupcakes with peanut oil. I was so glad that information was shared, because I honestly would never have thought of peanut oil in cupcakes. I mean, seriously, who puts peanut oil in cupcakes!?  :ack2:

 

My husband knew my son couldn't have dairy when we were dating, and was very proud to get him a smoothie made with just yogurt, not milk. 

 

Seriously. 

 

I asked what he thought yogurt was made of??

 

And on the other end my sister thought my son couldn't have eggs, because they are in the dairy case at the store so must be dairy. 

 

My mother was watching some kids once who were allergic to wheat, and she fed them graham crackers as a snack. She was surprised that it was a problem, since they were graham crackers. They're made out of graham.  :svengo:

 

 

I think people in general are really disconnected from their food. And baby boomers in particular seem to have this idea that food today is technologically "advanced" and all that, so no one should have any issue with it. One old aunt once told me that "they" would never sell food that would make someone sick. But if you're allergic?? Nope, if it was under a wrapper, it was totally safe. I think she was a bit confused.....

[kewb]

Never apply malice when stupidity will suffice.

 

Moms are set in their ways and have their own ideas on what makes a thoughtful gift. Understanding the hidden places an allergen lurks takes time and education. Mom also probably thinks you are being unreasonable to not let your kids have what is in the basket. As someone who used to get totally annoyed at her father buying her kids junk candy and didn't want her precious snowflakes to eat said candy. I would give anything to have my father here buying them that candy. I have come to realize that the few times a year they would have eaten that candy would not have killed them. Based on your post it sounds like your kids can eat the food but you are choosing for them not to have it. Which is totally your choice I am just offering perspective from the other side.

 

The way I see it you can either 1. Smile and nod. Call, say thank you. Donate and move on. Or 2. Call, make a to do. Possibly cause or widen an existing rift.

 

Only you can decide if this is a hill you want to die on.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Never apply malice when stupidity will suffice.

 

 

 

:lol:

[Valley Girl]

When you say the items are "full of milk," are these items for which that would be obvious to someone who's not well-informed about allergies? Is it possible she doesn't realize these things have ingredients which are problematic, especially if she's ordering it and can't read the labels? I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because I can't imagine deliberately sending my kid something I know he/she can't eat. If it is obvious, well, I'm sorry she's so insensitive.

[Ellie]

You thank her for the gift, and then do whatever you want to do with it, whether it's throwing it away or giving it away. Presumably she brought you up to have good manners, and that's the mannerly thing to do.

 

You could let your children eat it; all those chemicals once a year won't hurt anything.

[The Girls' Mom]

It seems like the older generation just doesn't get it.  

 

I don't eat wheat.  It kills my stomach.  MIL knows this.  At Thanksgiving I made gravy that was wheat-free.  My MIL walked by and dipped her cracker in it.  I looked at her and said "You just contaminated my gravy!" She laughed, picked up another cracker and STIRRED the gravy with it.  She thought I was joking.  I informed her that I had made that gravy so I could eat it, and now I couldn't.  She got huffy with me over it.  Or the time that she made these cookie bars for my peanut allergic dd and said she made sure to not put peanut butter chips in them (which they normally have).  DD took a bite of one and immediately tasted PB, and spit it out.  Turns out that MIL had made one pan of the bars, but put the chips in half the pan.  Clueless.  

Anyway, you can approach it a million different ways, and she may still not get it.

[Tiberia]

I would not worry about her motives or actions if you have an otherwise (relatively) healthy relationship with her.

 

Do what is true to yourself. You sound like a decent, caring person. Since it's a gift, you have no control over what's given, but you can control your actions and model graciousness to your family.

 

Send the thank-you note if that's your custom. If she happens to ask if you enjoyed the gift, tell the truth and let her know the firefighters loved it, since it was such a lovely package. If she doesn't ask how you enjoyed it, just let it pass. And plan on another opportunity to be gracious next year when it happens again. 

 

If your mom is somehow manipulating you or baiting you with the gift, then I would be more blunt and address the relationship, not just the gift.

 

Maybe you'll become famous within your community for giving a lovely gift basket every year to a different service group. ;)  

[MercyA]

You could let your children eat it; all those chemicals once a year won't hurt anything.

 

Unless her children have chemical sensitivities. If some kids ate a bunch of chemical-laden food on Christmas, it is not exaggerating to say that it could ruin their day. 

Edited February 15, 2017 by MercyA

[KungFuPanda]

Since she likes giving food, could you ask for a fruit basket for next year?

 

This was my first thought too. If she enjoys giving food baskets, can you just ask that the next one be fruit instead? Do you have a friend you usually buy for that would use the basket? A hostess-type that would put these items out for guests? Would it give you a stash of snacks to serve to YOUR guests? Would regifting this to someone your mother doesn't know free up some funds that you could put towards books?

 

I'd drop a thank you note in the mail. I mean, a handwritten, mailed note is the holy grail of mannerly thank-you's so she can't complain about the delayed thank-you, BUT you are spared the conversation.

[Tanaqui]

That is SO insane! Honestly, I think I would have a hard time not blurting out, "WHY are there nuts everywhere?! Do you WANT my child to die?"

 

I would have left. Immediately, and told them why. The kids' health is more important.

 

You thank her for the gift, and then do whatever you want to do with it, whether it's throwing it away or giving it away. Presumably she brought you up to have good manners, and that's the mannerly thing to do.

 

Her mother's choice to continue to send something that will literally sicken her family is not showing "good manners", so I wouldn't presume anything about her upbringing or her relationship with her mom. And I don't agree that showing good manners in the fashion you suggest is always the best approach.

 

However, with that said - OP, you should be aware that if you have a rocky relationship with your mom and you choose one of the more, uh, direct and confrontational approaches suggested here, it is not going to help your relationship. I don't know anything about how you and your mom get along when you aren't actively being upset because, once again, she failed to consider your very real needs. But if it's bad enough that you're actually considering being all "F*** YOU, MOM!" and not just indulging in a pleasant fantasy then you might want to consider limiting contact full-time, because I have no idea how to make a bad relationship better unless both parties want to improve it.

 

But, like I said, I have no idea what the situation is. I only have a tiny sliver of information - you're the person with the full picture. If it's just this one thing, your better bet is almost certainly to roll your eyes and suck it up, and then remind her of the issues at a neutral date.

[Ellie]

 

Her mother's choice to continue to send something that will literally sicken her family is not showing "good manners", so I wouldn't presume anything about her upbringing or her relationship with her mom. And I don't agree that showing good manners in the fashion you suggest is always the best approach.

 

 

Other people's bad manners does not excuse us from having good manners.

 

So far, the OP has had no luck in getting her mother to understand that this annual gift is not wanted. It's better to be thankful that her mother even thinks about sending a gift at all (and that she even has a mother to do so) than to try to correct her mother.  The nature of a gift is that it's a *gift,* and we are thankful for receiving it. The end.

[Tanaqui]

Other people's bad manners does not excuse us from having good manners.

 

Being silent about your real needs and lying about your feelings is not the only way to have good manners.

 

It's better to be thankful that her mother even thinks about sending a gift at all (and that she even has a mother to do so) than to try to correct her mother.

 

You are very fortunate not to have a toxic or abusive parent. I know too many people in that situation to ever say the bolded. It is extremely ignorant. You do not have any obligation towards unpleasant people just because they share an arbitrary tie of blood. You certainly are not obliged to be thankful for unwanted presents.

 

The nature of a gift is that it's a *gift,* and we are thankful for receiving it. The end.

 

What if the gift is from a stalker? What if the gift is actively aggressive - like a bottle of wine sent to a recovering alcoholic, or Chick tracts sent "lovingly" from a family member to a newly converted Muslim?

 

You do not have an obligation to be thankful for unwanted "gifts", no matter what relationship the other person may have with you or how expensive it is. (Indeed, this attitude is much used by abusers - give presents, especially expensive or "thoughtful" gifts to create an obligation and encourage the other person to ignore physical and emotional abuse. You are very lucky if you have not ever experienced coercive and manipulative gift-giving.)

 

I don't know what the situation is between the OP and her mother. I do know that I am not going to give ill-conceived blanket advice that may be actively harmful for the OP's mental health if the worst case scenario is actually what's going on. I'm hoping it's not, and right now the evidence could easily go either way, but only the OP knows for sure what the deal is, and only the OP knows which type of advice is most useful for her own family dynamics.

Edited December 24, 2016 by Tanaqui

[Ellie]

Being silent about your real needs and lying about your feelings is not the only way to have good manners.

 

 

You are very fortunate not to have a toxic or abusive parent. I know too many people in that situation to ever say the bolded. It is extremely ignorant. You do not have any obligation towards unpleasant people just because they share an arbitrary tie of blood. You certainly are not obliged to be thankful for unwanted presents.

 

 

What if the gift is from a stalker? What if the gift is actively aggressive - like a bottle of wine sent to a recovering alcoholic, or Chick tracts sent "lovingly" from a family member to a newly converted Muslim?

 

You do not have an obligation to be thankful for unwanted "gifts", no matter what relationship the other person may have with you or how expensive it is. (Indeed, this attitude is much used by abusers - give presents, especially expensive or "thoughtful" gifts to create an obligation and encourage the other person to ignore physical and emotional abuse. You are very lucky if you have not ever experienced coercive and manipulative gift-giving.)

 

I don't know what the situation is between the OP and her mother. I do know that I am not going to give ill-conceived blanket advice that may be actively harmful for the OP's mental health if the worst case scenario is actually what's going on. I'm hoping it's not, and right now the evidence could easily go either way, but only the OP knows for sure what the deal is, and only the OP knows which type of advice is most useful for her own family dynamics.

 

Ok then. You have taken this to a whole different level. I'm pretty sure we aren't talking about a stalker. We're talking about a mother and her daughter. I don't know where you're getting the whole mental health thing. All I see is a mother who can't figure out that her daughter doesn't want the fruit basket, and I'm giving basic etiquette advice: receive the gift. thank the giver. do whatever you want with the gift.

 

Goodness.

 

[Tanaqui]

A mother can be a stalker to her daughter if contact is unwanted, and you said that one must be "thankful" for all gifts  and that everybody whose mother is not dead should be grateful for having a mother at all. You even ended with the phrase "the end". Would you like me to quote you again? If that advice is not universally applicable - and it's certainly not - then it is not appropriate to phrase it as though it is.

 

I don't know where you're getting the whole mental health thing.

 

The OP seems pretty upset for somebody who has a close, loving, and healthy relationship with her mother except for this one tiny thing. Of course, people can get really upset about this sort of thing, especially around the holidays, but this level of upset - to the point of  legitimately (not just jokingly) considering doing the less polite thing even if it gets her a lot of criticism from her family - does make me wonder if it's more toxic than just this one fruit basket. (Also? In a healthy relationship, Mom wouldn't be telling all the relatives that her daughter is ungrateful, and those few trustworthy relatives she DID inform would not be calling the OP to tell her that she's ungrateful. The entire family would let the two of them deal with their own quarrel.)

 

This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me - but again, there isn't all that much information. It could go either way. It is true that sometimes small things become bigger things just because they get wrapped up in emotions. The OP could be really stressed because Christmas and all. Her mother could have a hard time grasping what allergies entail. That is also an extremely likely possibility. Neither you nor I has enough information to determine that. Only the OP has the full picture.

 

All I see is a mother who can't figure out that her daughter doesn't want the fruit basket, and I'm giving basic etiquette advice: receive the gift. thank the giver. do whatever you want with the gift.

 

No, what you have said, repeatedly, is that any other response is incorrect, regardless of the full situation. Neither you and I know the full situation. Only the OP does. You are assuming that the situation is healthy. I am unwilling to make that assumption. "Advice" like "be thankful you even have a mother" and "you should always be grateful for gifts" is extremely harmful to people with toxic relatives, especially parents. If the OP's family is healthy, then she doesn't need to hear this - she already knows that she really loves her mom very much and that this is the only issue in their relationship. And if it isn't healthy, then she really doesn't need to hear this because it can keep her from taking positive steps to protect herself and her children in the future.

 

So I will reiterate what I have said before. Housemouse, if you have a healthy relationship with your mom you may need to just suck it up and perhaps bring this issue up again at a more neutral time. If you have a toxic relationship with your mom and this is just one more symptom of that then you may as well say what you like (as you said, you can't win) - but it may also be time to consider seriously limiting contact.

 

This advice isn't easy, because it requires you, Housemouse, to self-assess and determine how important this is in the big picture. There IS no advice that is suitable for every single person. Even if you have a healthy relationship, you might still decide that bluntness will get through to your mom where subtlety and silence did not. So I guess there are really three or four paths available, not just two. I wish I had the easy answer, and could just say "This is what you do. This is right. The end", but if I did, I'd be lying. Families are messy and complicated, even healthy and happy ones and especially the other sort.

[CadenceSophia]

Ok then. You have taken this to a whole different level. I'm pretty sure we aren't talking about a stalker. We're talking about a mother and her daughter. I don't know where you're getting the whole mental health thing. All I see is a mother who can't figure out that her daughter doesn't want the fruit basket, and I'm giving basic etiquette advice: receive the gift. thank the giver. do whatever you want with the gift.

 

Goodness.

 

So my IL's like to give my kids things that can literally kill me. We do not allow certain foods in the house at all. They know this food can kill me because they were visiting (staying in hotel) during my last anaphylactic reaction/hospital visit. It would be some sort of insanity to just accept their gift and be thankful it is a gift. In our house, DH gives his parents a talk while walking the food they just bought to the trash can outside. Your advice applies to ugly sweaters and fruit cake (if it won't kill you) and books that don't suit your taste. This is not applicable to serious food allergies.

 

I don't know how serious the OP's food allergies are but I won't make an assumption either way.

[DawnM]

Thank God all the grandparents sent money this year!

 

In the past we get things we don't use either.

 

Although my mother did get a gift subscription to Guidepost magazine for all three teen boys. Sigh. She just had to do something with Jesus in it she says. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian and I want my kids to have something with Jesus, but they won't read them.

[zoobie]

Thank God all the grandparents sent money this year!

 

In the past we get things we don't use either.

 

Although my mother did get a gift subscription to Guidepost magazine for all three teen boys. Sigh. She just had to do something with Jesus in it she says. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian and I want my kids to have something with Jesus, but they won't read them.

Guidepost? For teen boys? :rofl: