If my teen says she doesn't want a bday gift, do I give her one anyway? UPDATE post #48

[Kassia]

My daughter will be 14 next month and is insisting that she doesn't want any gifts.  I feel weird about not giving her anything.  At the very least, we'll give her money to put in the bank for when she's older.  I'd like to give her one more gift, but don't want to upset her on her birthday either.  In the past, her favorite gifts from us were things we surprised her with and she didn't ask for (a personalized ornament, a personalized mug, etc.).  She's really into the Olympics this year - particularly gymnastics - and I'd love to get her an Olympics t-shirt.  Her birthday is right before the Olympics start.  

 

Any opinion on what we should do?  I'd love to surprise her with something and I think she'd love the shirt, but she is firm on no gifts.

Edited July 21, 2016 by ebh87

[kroe1]

Of course, you would get her a gift.

[chiguirre]

I like the t-shirt idea. Another alternative is flowers or a plant.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Did she say why she doesn't want gifts?  I would want to know more before I decided. 

[Alice]

Can you give her an experience of some sort? Like a special dinner out or doing some kind of activity she likes. I guess it depends on why she doesn't want gifts. If it's that she doesn't like stuff, I'd go with the experience. If it's that she doesn't want you to spend the money or is really opposed to gifts, I guess I'd honor that but still do something nice for her (cook something special, give her a backrub, etc). If it's that she doesn't want to make a big deal of her birthday I'd give her something like the Tshirt but downplay the birthday part of it. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd still get a gift.

 

 

[Kassia]

Did she say why she doesn't want gifts?  I would want to know more before I decided. 

 

I know for sure she doesn't want more "stuff."  Also, she hates when we spend money on her even though we have never given her reason to think that we don't want to do that.  She has a birthday dinner request which, of course, I will make for her and she also said she might like to go to the pool on her birthday.  Other than that, she doesn't want anything.  I'd LOVE to do a fun experience with her, but she rejects everything I offer.  She's an introvert and a homebody.  

[Pippen]

I have a minimalist child who is like this. Most of my attempts to pick something for him have NOT gone well. Kid doesn't like surprises, and the majority of the time doesn't like gifts off of his list. I came to realize that trying to pick a gift for this child was to satisfy my own desire to give them one.

 

If I thought she'd like the t-shirt--I'd just ask her outright and show it to her and she if she wants it for a bday gift, or just to add to her wardrobe. BTDT, and on this end I wouldn't make it a surprise.

 

I'd respect her wishes, but at that age would give her the equivalent amount of cash so she can use however she wants. 

[bibiche]

I would discuss with her why she doesn't want a gift. Does she think she doesn't deserve one? Could she be depressed? Is turning 14 difficult for some reason?

[Rachel]

What about giving her a gift certificate for the future? She doesn't want anything right now but a14 year old will in the future.

[Tess in the Burbs]

My son did this for 13 and 14.  We still bought gifts.  It was harder b/c I didn't really know what to get.  Dh and I both had some random ideas.  Grandma still wanted to send something.  We just picked things we thought he would like.  And he did.  

[EndOfOrdinary]

You could always get her something, or set aside the money, and then give it to her on a different day. I really do not like birthdays. For me, people doing nice things is very welcome. You stamp birthday on it and I turn off to the idea quickly. Give her the shirt right before the Olympics are on, as your are sitting down to watch them with her. Don't make it a birthday thing. Make it a "we knew you would love this" thing.

[Ali in OR]

I would get the shirt for her. I would honor her wishes by not going overboard, but one shirt isn't overboard in my opinion, especially if you're pretty sure she would like it.

[ikslo]

I would honor her wish.  And next time she wants something you might normally hesitate to get, you say, "Sure.  Since we didn't spend that money on a birthday present, we can do that/pay for that."  

 

We do that as adults, no?  My husband never wants gifts for his birthday, but a few weeks after his birthday this year he saw Stereo Hybrid Tube Amp with Bluetooth he wanted.  So I said get - I'll work OT and call it a birthday present.  So he did and I did, and everyone was happy.  He wants things that he actually wants, not just random gifts on a certain day just because custom dictates. 

[Kassia]

You could always get her something, or set aside the money, and then give it to her on a different day. I really do not like birthdays. For me, people doing nice things is very welcome. You stamp birthday on it and I turn off to the idea quickly. 

 

One of my sons is like this.  He hates his birthday and doesn't want us to do anything for it.  His twin brother is the opposite and loves his birthday and will accept any and all gifts.  

 

We will definitely give her money for the future.  She has three older brothers and knows there are a lot of expenses coming up in the future.  Even if she thinks she doesn't want it now, I think she'll be very happy to have it in a few years.  I think we'll get her the shirt and hope it doesn't upset her.  

[Kassia]

I would discuss with her why she doesn't want a gift. Does she think she doesn't deserve one? Could she be depressed? Is turning 14 difficult for some reason?

 

I don't think she is depressed or apprehensive about turning 14.  She does seem anxious at times.  She felt the same way at Christmas - she didn't want gifts, but she was delighted with a few of the things we gave her.  This time she's a little more firm about gifts for her birthday, though, so I came here for opinions.   

[trulycrabby]

In this instance, I would put money in a savings account for her. She would still get a card and a cake, unless she didn't want these either.

[mamiof5]

I'd totally honor her request. I don't think because she doesn't want more stuff she's depressed. I'd definitely make her dinner, get or make her favorite dessert (or cake or whatever she'd like), and I'd give her cash. She might not want anything right now, but in the future that money could come handy.

 

Also, I'd just show her the shirt and ask her if she'd like one?

[tampamommy]

You've received some very good input on your question of "to gift or not to gift?" Lots of good ideas.

 

I think it depends on the underlying attitude of why she doesn't want a gift. I am not big on gifts either, but I realize that some people enjoy giving gifts to others and it is their way of showing joy/affection/caring. And it isn't up to me to squash that for them. In the end, if I receive gifts from others, I can choose to keep them, knowing the intent was kind and thoughtful, or give them away so that others might better use them.

 

Your big concern about "upsetting her" raises a potential red flag for me. I offer the following thought gently.

 

I know a 14-year-old young man very well who was like your dd on his insistence of no gifts, from about age 9 on. For several years, so much energy and time was put into deciding "what to do" for him for birthdays, Christmas, etc, because no one wanted to "upset him." By age 14, it became pretty clear that this was somewhat of an attempt to control other people. Control is very important to this child, and it appears in many aspects of his personality/interaction with others. What really made me recognize this was the amount of energy invested by multiple adults, all of whom seemed "worried" about upsetting him. Additionally, his attitude upon receiving anything was very ungrateful, negative, "you upset me." This is immature, ego-centric, and ungrateful. Many times, the gifts we receive are simply a way for others to show they care. They don't have to always be "about us." We can choose to just say thank you, even if we don't like the gift. (An aside--gift giving can also be used in the wrong way by some givers; I am not talking about those circumstances, but about genuine caring)

 

Last Christmas was the final straw, so to speak. After much deliberation, a group activity was decided upon- one that the young adults involved could either participate in or observe, to make a happy memory. Either way, it was something that was interesting/enjoyable for everyone involved. The response was not positive and as a matter of fact, it was somewhat hostile. Ego-centric hostile, not "thanks, maybe next time we can do something service-oriented together or give to my favorite charily."

 

In the future, we will simply give a gift of money into his college fund. He does plan on going to college, so at least it is going towards investing in his future.

 

But I think further energy and time invested into thinking of "non-upsetting" gifts for this young person will negatively affect their overall emotional development in perpetuating their thinking that gift-giving, no matter what the occasion, is "all about them" and they can force others to feel bad for showing they care.

 

This may or may not apply to your dd...just offered as food for thought based on your comments about upsetting her.

[Kassia]

 

 

Your big concern about "upsetting her" raises a potential red flag for me. I offer the following thought gently.

 

I know a 14-year-old young man very well who was like your dd on his insistence of no gifts, from about age 9 on. For several years, so much energy and time was put into deciding "what to do" for him for birthdays, Christmas, etc, because no one wanted to "upset him." By age 14, it became pretty clear that this was somewhat of an attempt to control other people. Control is very important to this child, and it appears in many aspects of his personality/interaction with others. What really made me recognize this was the amount of energy invested by multiple adults, all of whom seemed "worried" about upsetting him. Additionally, his attitude upon receiving anything was very ungrateful, negative, "you upset me." This is immature, ego-centric, and ungrateful. Many times, the gifts we receive are simply a way for others to show they care. They don't have to always be "about us." We can choose to just say thank you, even if we don't like the gift. (An aside--gift giving can also be used in the wrong way by some givers; I am not talking about those circumstances, but about genuine caring)

 

 

 

Thank you! This is very interesting to me.  I mentioned earlier that one of my sons doesn't like gifts.  He has Asperger's and I don't know if it's a control issue or not, but he can definitely be ornery about gifts from us.  My daughter is not that way at all.  My concern is just going against her wishes and her feeling disrespected on her birthday.  I think we may get the shirt and just give it to her early to wear (as suggested earlier in the thread) and express what you've written here - that we got it for her because we care and thought she might like it and not attach it to her birthday.  

 

She does seem excited about her birthday and wants to do something as a family and asked me make her favorite dinner.  

[Seasider]

I know for sure she doesn't want more "stuff." Also, she hates when we spend money on her even though we have never given her reason to think that we don't want to do that. She has a birthday dinner request which, of course, I will make for her and she also said she might like to go to the pool on her birthday. Other than that, she doesn't want anything. I'd LOVE to do a fun experience with her, but she rejects everything I offer. She's an introvert and a homebody.

By 14 (and actually younger), my kids all had something that interested them in terms of a cause to support. Maybe you could ask her if there were a charity you could donate to in honor of her birthday? You know, sort of how hobbits give other people gifts on their own birthday? Cash donations, or go together to purchase some items for a library, nature center, shelter?

 

Sadly my kids understand that I am painfully aware of having to creatively stretch dollars; they always feel better about seemingly unnecessary spending when I say, truthfully, "Hey, I budgeted for this!"

[zoobie]

That's a tough one! I have said it before and not really meant it (which ties in to another thread, and reading that one, I was about to post oh I NEVER do that...lol). Sometimes it's because I hate being put on the spot and don't want to tell someone HERE BUY ME THIS because it feels greedy. Sometimes it's because I am depressed. Sometimes it's the answer I give my mom because she's asking merely out of obligation and really doesn't give a crap about me and I'm going to wind up with a gift card, so I'd rather not get the gift card. I want gifts if they're meaningful/thoughtful, not gifts for the sake of getting a gift. When I was a struggling college/grad student, yes, $25 gift card was awesome because I made $4.45 an hour! If I told my mother I didn't really want or need anything, and she surprised me with something that she saw and genuinely thought I'd enjoy/use/appreciate, I would be pleasantly surprised. I wouldn't be pissed that she disregarded my feelings. If she gave me a regifted thing (you can tell because it reeks of smoke) or a random gift card, I'd think, ugh, now I have to pretend to be grateful and I wish she'd have listened to me. Somehow I doubt your daughter has that kind of baggage as you sound like a thoughtful, caring, engaged mom. :)

 

Maybe rearrange how you think of gifting. If you see something that you think she would love, get it. Save it for the next occasion unless she needs it then. Or if she's had a crappy day and could use a surprise. And don't ask her what she wants. You pretty much know and cover her needs at this point in her life. In the future, ask some ways out of an occasion if there's anything she needs. Ask specific questions though or you will get the "nothing" response. Maybe her backpack is falling apart. Maybe she will need shoes for interviews. That type of thing. And this might not be helpful if she's not my particular brand of crazy. ;)

[JFSinIL]

Get the Olympic shirt, stick it in her drawer or closet where she is likely to find it on her birthday. Not wrapped, so not a present. If she complains, well, you got her a new shirt. Not a present. She just happened to notice it on her birthday - oh, is it your birthday?

 

Point out, too, that this gives her a chance to practice a life skill of being grateful when folks want to give her a gift, as it will happen throughout her life, since she is lovable and giving gifts makes most folks happy.

 

Does she like to give gifts, btw? Does she try to think what might please someone? Well, she has to learn to accept gifts, too.

Edited July 11, 2016 by JFSinIL

[EndOfOrdinary]

Thank you! This is very interesting to me. I mentioned earlier that one of my sons doesn't like gifts. He has Asperger's and I don't know if it's a control issue or not, but he can definitely be ornery about gifts from us. My daughter is not that way at all. My concern is just going against her wishes and her feeling disrespected on her birthday. I think we may get the shirt and just give it to her early to wear (as suggested earlier in the thread) and express what you've written here - that we got it for her because we care and thought she might like it and not attach it to her birthday.

 

She does seem excited about her birthday and wants to do something as a family and asked me make her favorite dinner.

I do not like gifts for my birthday and birthday stuff because I HATE surprises. They cause me huge amounts of anxiety. My emotional and verbal responses never seem to be quite right and I often hurt the person who is so excited to surprise me. This is all due to my own PTSD, but if your son has Aspergers it might be a similar situation. My mom is on spectrum and has a similar feeling about surprises and gifts. She never knows the correct response, so she would much rather they appear in very nuetral settings where there is less pressure.

 

I seriously told my husband if he was going to propose, he really needed to let me know ahead of time (like the week of) so that I could prepare myself because I really did not want it to go badly.

[Kassia]

 

Does she like to give gifts, btw? Does she try to think what might please someone? Well, she has to learn to accept gifts, too.

 

She loves to give gifts and is an extremely thoughtful, creative gift giver.  She puts so much time, effort, and thought into the gifts she gives.  She will graciously accept gifts given by other people, so she has the skills to do so.   

[zoobie]

She loves to give gifts and is an extremely thoughtful, creative gift giver.  She puts so much time, effort, and thought into the gifts she gives.  She will graciously accept gifts given by other people, so she has the skills to do so.   

 

Given that, I think she would appreciate the same type of gift. She doesn't want to tell someone what she wants. It's not a gift if she has to explicitly tell you what to buy her. The gift is the thoughtfulness behind the item. :)

[Okra]

Can you have her pick out a charity to give money to.

[Beth S]

We do give cash sometimes for birthday or Christmas. 

There are lots of ways to make that fun.

In the past, I've gotten crisp bills from the bank. 

I've made a scavenger hunt, or hidden the bills in the books of a bookcase (like bookmarks).

Fold them into origami animals (via internet instructions).

Or buy something from the dollar store & wrap the money with it.

I'm sure Pinterest is filled with ideas.

 

My main pet peeve is when OTHER people decide what the birthday person wants . . . and it's what the OTHER people want, not the birthday person.

 

Your daughter sounds wonderful, and I would be relieved that she isn't pushing a mile-long selfish wish list on you.  :)

 

Also, sometimes the US Gymnastics Team does a traveling exhibition after the Olympics (if they do well)--maybe you could travel to it! 

[Kassia]

We have taped bills together and rolled them and then stuffed them into a tissue box for gifts.  It is so much fun watching people pull the long string of bills out of the box.  :)  We did that with my daughter last Christmas.  Usually, my husband will make a humorous certificate with the kids' interests on it with the amount we're giving them posted on the certificate.  They always get a kick out of it and it's more personal than just giving cash.  

 

We will definitely have to look for an exhibition!  Great idea!  

 

[happypamama]

I'd get her the shirt, and I think just hanging it in her closet is a sweet idea. I also think the idea of setting aside the money for the next time she wants something special is a good one. I couldn't think of something I wanted for years, so I saved the cash relatives gave me for Christmas and birthdays for a while, buying a few small things now and then, but then when I needed sneakers and a computer and when I found a good deal on the phone I wanted, I had the cash available, and being able to buy just what I wanted on my timetable was a wonderful gift.

 

Maybe give her a little cash to buy herself a little treat or an app or something else small when she needs a little boost? Or maybe she'd like to give to a charity but doesn't have cash to do so, so giving her cash for that would be welcome?

 

At fourteen, I would not simply give her a bunch of stuff just to give her something.

[nd293]

I'd go with cash and the Tshirt. If you don't mind spending a more then a 'treat' outing - a movie at a 'gold class' type cinema, or dinner or a coffee shop with no siblings.

[Garga]

There's a thread going on right now about "do women say the opposite of what they mean?"

 

I think you should believe her that she is saying what she means. If she says no gift, then give her no gift. Make the nice dinner and be done with it.

 

I think women should learn to say what they mean. If she's said what she means, then good. If she didn't mean it, then next time she'll ask for a present.

 

Now, because I wouldn't be comfortable being too hard core about all that, I would get her a box of candy and just put it next to her breakfast or something with one of those stick on bows on it. Not wrapped.

 

A little box of candy (or candy bar) isn't a gift, but it is a nod to the day. I think a nod to the day is appropriate.

 

And get her the t-shirt as a way to celebrate the Olympics, but keep it separate from the birthday.

[Kassia]

There's a thread going on right now about "do women say the opposite of what they mean?"

 

I think you should believe her that she is saying what she means. If she says no gift, then give her no gift. Make the nice dinner and be done with it.

 

I think women should learn to say what they mean. If she's said what she means, then good. If she didn't mean it, then next time she'll ask for a present.

 

Now, because I wouldn't be comfortable being too hard core about all that, I would get her a box of candy and just put it next to her breakfast or something with one of those stick on bows on it. Not wrapped.

 

A little box of candy (or candy bar) isn't a gift, but it is a nod to the day. I think a nod to the day is appropriate.

 

And get her the t-shirt as a way to celebrate the Olympics, but keep it separate from the birthday.

 

Thanks (to everyone who responded!)!

 

She doesn't eat candy and I can't think of any other food gift I can give her.  We'll give her the shirt, but it won't be a birthday gift or given to her on her birthday.  Other than that, we'll give her money that she can use in the future and make her a creative card and just make sure she knows how special she is to us on her birthday and every day.  

Edited July 12, 2016 by ebh87

[creekland]

I'd respect her wishes and not get a gift.  I'd ask her if she wanted a donation to charity instead.  At 14, that could be very appealing to some.

 

I'd probably get her the shirt, but give it to her right before the Olympics - not as a birthday gift at all.

 

It really bothers me when people don't respect my wishes - esp if they ask what my wishes are!

[Georgiana Daniels]

I would absolutely still buy a gift! At least have it on hand and gauge her mood the day of.

 

OR...you can also just give her a special day: favorite breakfast, fun activity, movie, dinner out, friends over, party....gifts don't have to be things.

[SKL]

I would give her a gift of money to do what she wants with it.

 

To be a little creative, maybe open a bank account in her name (if she doesn't already have one) and put in a birthday-gift-sized deposit.  She can donate the money to a good cause if she really doesn't want anything.

 

Or I would let her choose a destination to travel to in lieu of a birthday gift.

[KungFuPanda]

I'd believe her . . . then probably try to get tickets to something for her :-)

[Suzanne in ABQ]

That's about the time I started to take my daughter shopping for her birthday.  She loved clothes, but really didn't want me to pick things out for her.  (I had always bought all her clothes previously).  She just turned 20, and we went shopping yesterday!  So, the tradition continues.

 

I also might think about whether there is something I can see she needs, or would really love, that she hasn't even considered.  Dd plays piano, and a few years ago, I bought her a nice keyboard for her room.  She had never considered playing keyboard in her room before, but she loves it, and takes it to college with her, and it's been one of the best gifts ever!  

 

Barring those options, I'd give her cash to save until she thinks of something she wants (no strings attached).

[Pawz4me]

I haven't read all the replies, but -- I really don't understand the issue here?

 

Why not just give her money?

 

Both of our boys aren't overly fond of gifts. Oldest DS (20) is okay with gifts if it's something he's specifically asked for (XBox game, etc.). But if it's clothes or something like that he'd much rather pick what he wants out himself. Usually he asks for money and then thoroughly enjoys shopping with it (or investing--he's had his own stock trading account since he was 13). It's not that he's snobbish about it or anything, and if one of his friends or relatives gives him a gift (even one he doesn't like) he handles it well and expresses appropriate thanks and gratitude. But with us he feels comfortable saying "I'd just rather have money." And we're fine with that.

 

Youngest DS (17) is likely an Aspie/HFA (he's scheduled for testing next month) and hasn't wanted any birthday or Christmas gifts for years. He seems to have few "wants." We give him money instead, which he almost always saves. He has a very nice balance in his savings and checking accounts. And knowing that money is there seems to make him happy.

[Kassia]

I haven't read all the replies, but -- I really don't understand the issue here?

 

Why not just give her money?

 

Both of our boys aren't overly fond of gifts. Oldest DS (20) is okay with gifts if it's something he's specifically asked for (XBox game, etc.). But if it's clothes or something like that he'd much rather pick what he wants out himself. Usually he asks for money and then thoroughly enjoys shopping with it (or investing--he's had his own stock trading account since he was 13). It's not that he's snobbish about it or anything, and if one of his friends or relatives gives him a gift (even one he doesn't like) he handles it well and expresses appropriate thanks and gratitude. But with us he feels comfortable saying "I'd just rather have money." And we're fine with that.

 

Youngest DS (17) is likely an Aspie/HFA (he's scheduled for testing next month) and hasn't wanted any birthday or Christmas gifts for years. He seems to have few "wants." We give him money instead, which he almost always saves. He has a very nice balance in his savings and checking accounts. And knowing that money is there seems to make him happy.

 

One of my sons is also likely an Aspie/HFA and he, like your ds, doesn't want Christmas or birthday gifts.  His twin brother loves gifts so it feels awkward to me - like we're celebrating one birthday, but not the other.  He's been fine with money in the past so I expect he will be this year, too, but he's actually been saying he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday at all, so we'll see.  

 

With my daughter, she doesn't even want the money but we're just going to invest it for her knowing she'll appreciate having it in a few years.  She is excited about her birthday, she just doesn't want gifts.  

[J-rap]

Well, you certainly know your dd better than all of us.  If it were one of my children and they told me they absolutely did not want a gift, I guess I'd tend to believe them and not get them one!  We'd have a nice dinner and maybe go to a movie or find some other way to make the day special.  Or if she's open to cash, give her a nice card with cash.

 

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

I don't know your dd so use your intuition but I really, truly, honestly do not enjoy gifts. If she made a real request, honor it.

[Janeway]

Maybe she is a minimalist and does not want things. Maybe she would enjoy a movie, or a fancy restaurant, or a pedicure/manicure..facial? Something like that?

[Janeway]

Put money in a bank account for her that she can use for a rainy day or college?

Edited July 12, 2016 by Janeway

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'd get the T-shirt and give it to her a couple days before her b-day and call it an Un-birthday gift (we're very fond of Alice here).

[Kassia]

Update:

 

We gave her the Olympics shirt today (three weeks before her birthday) and she was SO excited!  She squealed, jumped up and down, and said she loves the shirt and wants to wear it every day.  We are thrilled, but surprised by her reaction since we expected her to reject it.  Now I'm even more confused as to what to do about her birthday since she reacted so positively to this unexpected gift.  

[katilac]

Update:

 

We gave her the Olympics shirt today (three weeks before her birthday) and she was SO excited!  She squealed, jumped up and down, and said she loves the shirt and wants to wear it every day.  We are thrilled, but surprised by her reaction since we expected her to reject it.  Now I'm even more confused as to what to do about her birthday since she reacted so positively to this unexpected gift.  

 

Aren't teenagers fun? 

[catz]

Update:

 

We gave her the Olympics shirt today (three weeks before her birthday) and she was SO excited!  She squealed, jumped up and down, and said she loves the shirt and wants to wear it every day.  We are thrilled, but surprised by her reaction since we expected her to reject it.  Now I'm even more confused as to what to do about her birthday since she reacted so positively to this unexpected gift.  

 

:lol:   That's pretty cute!  And aren't teenagers a hoot?!  Good work mom!

 

[Guest]

Update:

 

We gave her the Olympics shirt today (three weeks before her birthday) and she was SO excited! She squealed, jumped up and down, and said she loves the shirt and wants to wear it every day. We are thrilled, but surprised by her reaction since we expected her to reject it. Now I'm even more confused as to what to do about her birthday since she reacted so positively to this unexpected gift.

Now that you've given her the shirt and she loved it, I would just do the money thing for her real birthday. Although I would still do a celebratory dinner (this is what we do at our house) on her birthday.

[Barb_]

Maybe she doesn't want to do the work of coming up with gift ideas. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of growing up and thinks if she just pretends her birthday isn't happening she can forget all about it. Maybe she doesn't want to be disappointed so she's lowering her expectations. Regardless, I would totally disregard the "don't get me gifts" thing. If she reacts the in the same overjoyed fashion I would ask her a week or two later what was really going on and see if she's able to articulate what was knocking around in her cute little head.