Do you have family that is just not into your kids?

[TammyS]

Another thread about families who want to monopolize holidays inspired me to post this here.  We have the opposite issue.  My dh's parents are just not into our kids.  These are the only grandkids they have and most probably the only ones they will ever have (my dh is in his 50s and his youngest sibling is 50 and neither of the other siblings have kids or an interest in having them).  There has never been an argument or falling out or anything.  They just don't seem to care, and the care has decreased over the years.  Our oldest (who is 12 years older than his little brother) used to get birthday and Christmas cards/presents.  Over the years the presents stopped, and now the cards have, too.  We haven't seen them for 2 years, even though they only live 2 hours away because after a while we got tired of calling and asking if we can come over.  They have invited us 2 times in 18 years, and always when others are coming and so we are needed to "complete the set", so to speak.  We stopped inviting them years ago because they never came and wouldn't even answer whether or not they were coming (eventually I would have to force my dh to call and ask them to tell us if they were coming).  My FIL still works. They aren't infirm and they aren't poor (saying this isn't the reason that the kids don't get presents).  My dh still sends cards and occasionally presents and calls at all holidays.  They always act like things are fine.  I really have no idea what to make of it.  But it does make me sad.

[Guest]

I don't have any that bad, but yes!

 

I don't let it get to me - lots of other people who love us to spend our mental and physical energy on, you know?

[Mergath]

I guess you could say that. The first time my brother met dd when she was a toddler, he told me I should have just aborted her.

 

I don't speak to my brother anymore.

[freesia]

We lived in the same house as dsil and dbil for 7 months and dbil did not say one word to my kids--at all. truly. not kidding. He barely even glanced at them. dsil barely said any. They have since divorced and now dsil is really into my kids. Weird.

 

Sorry, grandparents would be worse. I have no idea why anyone would ignore their grandchildren. I am planning on major spoiling.

[Spryte]

You've just described some of my kids' grandparents.  :(  It makes me sad, too.  I am trying to make peace with the fact that there's nothing I can do to change this, but it's hard.

 

:grouphug:

[Julie Smith]

My fil is not into them as individuals. He likes knowing that they are doing good but the details didn't matter to him. He also had no interest in doing anything with them. The idea of spending time with them just seemed odd to him. Mind you he was also a very very hands off parent.

 

But it took him awhile to learn to tekk his grandkids apart. He would refer to them all as, "boy".

[marbel]

I guess you could say that. The first time my brother met dd when she was a toddler, he told me I should have just aborted her.

 

I don't speak to my brother anymore.

 

What?!   I'm sitting here with my mouth hanging open trying to think of something to type. Just speechless!

 

 

My in-laws are kind of like that. (I don't mean about aborting but about not caring all that much.)  They want us to come visit but when we are there they don't pay too much attention to the kids.  I honestly think my whole little family disappoints them.  The homeschooling, the lack of sports in  our lives....   I'm pretty sure my in-laws expected their grandson to be on the high school football team and their granddaughter to be a cheerleader.  I think they would love the kids more if they had fulfilled those expectations.  Oh and attend their alma mater (which neither kid is likely to do for academic and residency reasons). 

[Hypatia.]

We have a set of grandparents like that. We last saw them 4 years ago, so they haven't met my almost 3 year old or my 10 month old.  They don't remember DH's birthday (he's the oldest of 4), though usually several months later we'll get what I think of as the guilt check. They're not into us, and we're not really into them. DH was never close with them before (not a negative relationship, just distant) and that didn't change after we had kids. About once a year or so DH will call them and get the load of guilt about not calling more/sooner/whatever, as if the phone doesn't work both ways. It's DH's responsibility to maintain the relationship with his family, I'm not a social secretary. If he chooses not to pursue it then so be it.

[Tsuga]

:grouphug:  to everyone on this thread. How incredibly sad. :(

[Slache]

I guess you could say that. The first time my brother met dd when she was a toddler, he told me I should have just aborted her.

 

I don't speak to my brother anymore.

I haven't told my mother I'm pregnant for this exact reason. That's all she could talk about when I was pregnant with Mary. I'm just not going to listen to it. She can enjoy her home and her alcohol all by herself 4 states away and I'll let her know when the kid pops out. Or not.

[mamiof5]

Wow!! My jaw dropped at all the responses (but so far the abortion one beats them all). How sad, for all of you. I am sure you have wonderful children, and it is their loss (the relatives), but still...very sad :(

[HeWillSoar]

I feel that way with both sides of our family.  They aren't as bad as what you have described--they do remember birthdays and holidays, and there is a long distance between us so that makes it more difficult but it's disappointing that they don't try a little harder, especially my own mother.   I just don't get it.  And now that my sister has kids, she's all over them so the FB posts can be really hurtful.  

[lmrich]

Hugs to all of you! I love my neices and nephews and cannot imagine caring deeply for them. I can adopt your kids to be my neices and nephews (I refuse to be a grandma just yet!) I need a little kids in my life again.

[6packofun]

Both of my parents are disinterested in our children.  I mean, they say they love them when they talk to ME, but they don't care to actually talk to THEM.  :(  They just make no effort and at this point I'm tired of trying to manufacture relationships FOR people in my family.  (My parents are divorced, but I'm not sure what would be different if they were together and my dad is remarried to my stepmom who is great.) My dad is generous sometimes, but it's so aloof and lacks any warmth really.

 

My mom has a very limited income.  But she's able to buy another dog and all that goes along with that and then say that she's no longer going to send our kids cards for birthdays because it's just an added expense that doesn't really matter anyway.  Sheesh.  I don't measure relationships or care by money or cards or gifts, but she makes NO effort.  She told me when we had only 2 or our 6 children that she wouldn't be "the kind of grandma that babysits; I just can't do that."  But it sure was OK for me to babysit my siblings while she went out dating, sometimes overnight, after my parents broke up and she remarried and re-divorced twice.  *sigh*  I sound bitter, but it's really just annoying more than anything at this point.  LOL  I just don't. get. it.

 

I thank God Almighty for my mother-in-law.  She's wonderful, even though she's not nearby!

[gardenmom5]

mil.    she doted on 2sil's (her favorite child) kids. mine, rarely noticed them.  her loss.  (and she's whackadoodle - so my kids were grateful to not spend as much time with her.  now, even 2sil's kids - whom she doted upon -  have gone out of their way to avoid her.)

 

eta: I've seen this with others as well - the interest seems more in the way of bragging rights with their friends.  not the actual interaction with their posterity. that would interfere with their life.

 

[PeachyDoodle]

No one ignores them, per se. But MIL blatantly prefers dd to ds. We have had to discuss with her on multiple occasions why she can't take dd on outings, etc. and not take ds. It would be fine if she wanted to spend one-on-one time with each of them on separate occasions, but she clearly doesn't. And we're not talking major stuff either. There's no reason to take a 10yo to the library or for a milkshake and NOT be willing to take a 5yo. But she seems to think he's still a toddler who won't notice or that he's such a handful it's too much trouble for her to manage him (he's a wiggly little boy, but quite well-behaved).

 

This culminated recently in her plan to take dd on a trip to the amusement parks in Orlando, but not ds. We had to put our foot down on that one. We just went to Disney in February, and he would absolutely know what he's missing. If we had any confidence she would do something with him in the future, it would be one thing, but we don't.

 

Too bad your in-laws don't know what they're missing!!

[Renthead Mommy]

MIL died a number of years ago.  So now we have my FIL and his girlfriend (who is also my best friend's mother, so I've known her for 30+ years).  My son is the only grandchild for both of them.  It is very important to look like a good grandparent.  Easy to do when you don't live close.  You go visit grandkid's family, so you can come back and tell people what a great grandparent you are.  You don't have to get them really what they want for christmas, but you have to get them something expensive/trendy/impressive so you can tell people you got them that.

 

When my son was 4, we traveled up to see everyone, and FIL insisted I wake him up, take him out of his car seat to take him inside and "show him" to everyone at his office.  When the still sleepy child buried his face in my neck and wouldn't look at the complete strangers (basically including my FIL), FIL tried to pull him off me so people could see him. 

 

When he was 10 he was having digestive issues and was taken off dairy for two months.  He lives for ice cream, so he world was crashing around him.  We saw FIL and girlfriend at something.  After they wanted to go for ice cream.  I explained the situation and suggested we go to a diner so they could still get ice cream and he could get something else.  They didn't want diner ice cream, they wanted regular ice cream so suggested we all go for ice cream and then get the 10yo something else.  After we have all sat there and eaten his most favorite thing in the world in front of him.  Yeah, no. 

 

They were having a birthday party for FIL.  We were supposed to go.  The kid was warned and talked to a number of time to not do whatever he was doing and continuted doing it so the husband followed through with his threat and said he wasn't going to the birthday party and sent me on my way to the party (at my best friend's mother's house so bf was there.)  He texted them to tell them what happened and why he and the boy were not coming.  They got really mad and kept saying "How could he do that! We have people coming over to SEE him!"  

 

They came to visit us once at out last assignment. (Two years).  The stayed at a hotel (we offered the guest suite) so we had to pick them up every day.  Every day they wanted to be picked up later, and dropped off earlier.  But complained there was nothing to do in their hotel area in the evening (Mall area in Dayton, Ohio).  On that visit, while we were always in the car so he wouldnt' have to do it right then, FIL would say we'll do this, we'll do that. Get back to the house, they did NOTHING.  Even when the kid would come ask him to come do whatever FIL had suggested in the car.  But that way he could go home and say "Oh wanted to do XYZ with my grandson, but we ran out of time."

 

 

Worse one was the last time we saw him, he totally guilt tripped my son about how a call, text or email would be nice once in awhile.  Really laid into him.  We left right after that.  I had to tell him that Grandpa was totally unfair and he had no right to try and guilt him.  And he's the adult and does he ever bother to call, text or email you? He said no.  

 

My kid does not count on anything from his paternal grandfather and basically has no real relationship with him.  

[alisoncooks]

My FIL -- but it doesn't surprise me.

 

He walked out on MIL when DH was 12...and DH didn't hear from him again until his mid-20s.

He's seen our children 3-4 times (in 10 years) and doesn't do any sort of gifts (Christmas, birthday, nothing, no acknowledgment).  

He came to "visit us" last fall when DH had cancer...but he brought a girlfriend and an exchange student -- and they spent the whole time shopping and site-seeing in the area.  They visited with DH about 2 hours total over a weekend.   :glare:

 

 

[Renthead Mommy]

  They just make no effort and at this point I'm tired of trying to manufacture relationships FOR people in my family.  

 

 

This!  The boy has his grandfather figured out and it doesn't really bother him.  But even he figured out at a young age there was a huge difference between his paternal grandfather, and my mom's husband.  They married when I was 31, so it's not like he's my 'dad' in any way shape or form, but he's a great grandfather to his four step grandkids and treats them the same as his bio grandkids.  Kiddo also figured out that he doesn't really have any relationship with FIL, while he has a great one with my mom's husband. 

 

I worked the FIL problem for a long time, till I finally figured out it wasn't my problem to work.  If FIL wanted a relationship, then FIL would be working for one.  So I stopped putting in all that extra effort. 

[Renthead Mommy]

 

eta: I've seen this with others as well - the interest seems more in the way of bragging rights with their friends.  not the actual interaction with their posterity. that would interfere with their life.

 

This is!  It is all about how it looks to other people!  So annoying! 

[redsquirrel]

dh's parents are not that distant, but not far off.  They live 90 mins away and never make an effort to see us outside of obvious family holidays etc.  For a long time they didn't acknowledge birthdays etc, but I think they started seeing that their friends handle things differently and they started to send cards...when they remember.

 

So, they do a little bit to have some interaction with the kids, but certainly don't put effort into it, and I think only because they realized their own peer group acts differently. So, they put in a bit of work, but the work shows. You can tell they are doing it b/c it is expected of them.  

 

I should add, they have a LOT of resources, travel all over the world and the country, have endless amounts of time to whatever they like and engage in some high level entertainment, country clubs etc. So, if they wanted to engage with their grandchildren, or their adult children, they absolutely could. It would not be a hardship for them.

 

My mother, OTOH, lives 6 hours away and is in town all the freakin time.  My sister and her family live nearby and my mom has lived with them to care for their kids for an entire summer. My mom comes for every ballet performance, birthday...everything. Occasional she can't make a birthday and she will facetime it. She knows the kids sizes, what they are reading, what they like to eat etc.  She has taken them for a week in the summer. 

[SKL]

In my family, it's on me to get the kids over to see the grandparents.  It is very rare that they come here.  (The last time my mom came was 5 or 6 years ago.)  My dad used to babysit occasonally when the girls were tots, but then my sister's kid was born and she needed him more.  My kids used to spend the night over there occasionally, but my dad made too much fuss over them and then got tired or hurt himself.  So I stopped that too.

 

I don't mind it this way, honestly.  We don't live that far and my parents have health issues.  I'd rather go visit them than have my kids not know them.

 

ETA:  My parents do remember my kids' birthdays and buy them presents.  Well, sometimes they send my sister to buy them presents, but at least they think about it.

[bluemongoose]

Why yes...yes we do! My family is more of the whoever NEEDS us more is who we show affection to. I am independent so my kids are more ignored. Don't get me wrong, they come for birthdays with gifts, we go there for holidays, and they show for some of the kids performances, but they come to my house maybe once a year and we are not a far drive from each other. They also share about the favored grandkids on facebook and are always talking about how great the other siblings child is and how cute, fawning all over child. They do show some affection for mine, but it is less familiar, it is different. And I know they think mine are worse behaved because they are not as prim and quiet. The other thing was when I had kids I had to bring bunches of things, bottles, packnplay, booster seats, dishes, bibs, toys etc. to use at their house. They bought all that when other grandkids were born to have for them to use. Well except for the pack n play. They used it for siblings kid even though I needed it for my kid of the same age and I bought it for my use. It is just this over all preference of one over the other, not that my kids are not loved or given gifts, it is just obviously different. It is this way with me and my siblings too. The most needy are the more favored....and it just flows this way through to the grandkids.  So mine are least, and there is a pecking order of my other siblings kids. I know they love me and mine, and deep down they really care, they just don't seem to realize that preferential treatment is hurtful.

 

My ILs live a long way off. They are friendly with my kids when they visit every few years. They do not really know them, nor do they send them gifts for birthday or Christmas. They don't call them either. They have set aside some college money for them though, so that is nice.

[Garga]

On my father's side, I met his parents twice. Once when I was eight and once when I was ten. I think they sent cards at Christmas, maybe. It's hard to remember and it would have certainly stopped when I was in my mid-teens if they did. They have since died, but before they died I could have passed them on the street and never known them. I still don't know what they look like. (Been 32 years since I last saw them.) They lived far away, but still...

 

On my mother's side, I met them more often. Mabye a total of 8 times ever? I got presents until I was about 12 and then it was money and probably at about 17 it stopped, too. I do know what they look like and sometimes they'd call my parents and I'd talk to my grandmother for a minute or so, "So, how is school?" "Good." ... "Well, can you put your mom back on the phone? Love you."

 

It hurt a lot as a kid. I got over it sometime when I turned 30 or so. I don't think about it anymore, but I used to think about it a lot when I was a teen and 20-something.

 

My own parents lived in New Mexico when they found out I was pregnant with my first. (I'm in PA.) They found out on a Friday and by Monday they'd sold their house and moved back east so be by their grandchild.

 

But 3 days after my second was born, 2.5 years later, they told me, "We decided to move to Arizona with a friend of ours. We already sold our house here and signed the paperwork for the house in AZ." And they left 3 weeks later.

 

We see them every 2-3 years, but it's soooo expensive to visit 2500 miles away. I hate it. I know my parents like my kids, but they are not a part of their lives in any substantial way. They send presents and when we do visit for those 5 days every 2-3 years, they are all over my kids, so I know the kids feel loved, but they're not a presence. My parents lavish the attention and are honestly some of the most fun people I know, but only when they see you. When we're out of sight, we seem to be out of mind. It's such a shame. My kids would be blessed beyond belief if my parents lived close by. But they chose to leave us.

 

My in-laws love the grandkids and want to be with them a lot, but they don't often do things that would interest the kids. No ball in the backyard, no learning how to do something, no games, no cooking together. And my mil treats my 13 year old like he's still 7 and it makes my ds13 hard pressed to be polite. "Do you want me to cut that meat for you?" "No, Mom-mom." They are sweet people, but it's not quite what I'd hoped for in grandparents. Ah well.

 

This whole grandparent thing has been disappointing to me my whole life. I didn't have grandparents in any real sense of the word and it grieved me a LOT. My kids have grandparents who are SO MUCH FUN, but they're 2500 miles away. They have grandparents who love them and live 5 miles away, but they don't do stuff together all that much. GRRRR.

 

I am determined to break this pattern when I have grandkids of my own.

[BooksandBoys]

When I was visiting with my brother and his fiancée a few months before their wedding, the topic of ring bearers and flower girls came up. My sister-in-law-to-be said that they would not have a ring bearer because they didn't have any nephews. I had two sons and another on the way. :-) They have never sent my kids presents or cards, despite spoiling their other nephews rotten (the children of my other brother, so same side of the family). It's rather funny to me at this point.

[clementine]

 My dh's parents are just not into our kids.  These are the only grandkids they have and most probably the only ones they will ever have (my dh is in his 50s and his youngest sibling is 50 and neither of the other siblings have kids or an interest in having them).  There has never been an argument or falling out or anything.  They just don't seem to care, and the care has decreased over the years.  

 

They aren't infirm and they aren't poor (saying this isn't the reason that the kids don't get presents).  My dh still sends cards and occasionally presents and calls at all holidays.  They always act like things are fine.  I really have no idea what to make of it.  But it does make me sad.

 

 

Except for the ages of those involved, I could have written this.  

 

My MIL has never acted like a grandma.  Has no interest in her grandchildren - ours are/will be her only ones - she doesn't know what their interests are & can't even have a conversation with them.  It's incredibly sad.  

 

My parents are involved and loving, so at least they have an idea of how wonderful grandparents can be.  

[Tap]

Yep, add us to the list....and I have a BIG family.  I talk to my mom about once a month. She calls me more if she wants me to send her money.   I have zero contact with my family otherwise.  In fact, my sister comes into my place of business 2x a week.  I was coming into work late one day and ran into her, so we talked for a couple of minutes, and went to dinner later that week.  Since then.....nothing.  My coworkers tell me that she still comes in, but since she stays in the front of the buisness, and I work in the pharmacy in the back, so we don't see each other unless she walks back to my department.....a whole 100ft. LOL  That was the first time we talked in 4+ years.  

 

Several years ago, when we had just finalized dds guardianship (dd8 is my great-niece), I was asked if we were bringing dd8 with us to Thanksgiving dinner.  ~~Ummmmm, yes, I don't usually leave my 2yo children at home alone.  :banghead:

 

My mom was supposed to babysit dd8 once overnight.  DD is my mom's biological great-grand child and my mom took care of dd from the time she was born, until I took her at 5mo.  She canceled on me at the last minute, because my other sister had a dream that my uncle died.  My mom said that if my uncle did end up dying that weekend, then it would be too hard to make funeral arrangements if she was watching dd over night.   :confused1:  :confused1:  :confused1:   PS: Uncle didn't die for 2 more years. 

[Donna]

My husband's parents are both deceased but prior they had so many problems themselves, they didn't make any effort to see my kids but maybe once a year which led to Christmas gifts that were never age appropriate and kids who didn't know who they were. The one year fil stopped by bringing Christmas gifts and dd was scared because "some man with a garbage bag" was on the porch. sigh.

 

My parents were very involved in my kids' lives (we saw them at least once a week and often more) but a falling out three years ago caused a rift. Long story but basically they treated my kids badly one too many times and instead of my usual MO of keeping quiet, and telling the kids it wasn't their fault, I let my parents know what they did was not right…uh, not allowed in my family (no one can have an opinion or idea that differs from my father…not talking to family members/siblings who disagree with him is a running theme in his life which is why I kept quiet until I just couldn't anymore). 

 

My husband and I tried to invite them to our home a few times figuring maybe we could talk about the issues, move past the issues, agree to disagree, and maintain some sort of relationship with them. We invited them to kids' events a couple times as well the first 18 months but we could only be ignored so many times before we gave up trying. I was not going to grovel and tell them they were right so they ignored our invitations and a couple months ago moved 18 hours away without so much as a word to let us know they were going. 

 

My sister who loves the fact that I am no longer the "golden child" and was one of the reasons for the issues that caused a rift in the first place was talking to me for awhile, probably to see what I would say that she could relay back to my parents, but no longer talks to me. Last January, when she was still talking to me and saying she wanted a better relationship with me, my kids were invited to perform for an orchestra program not far from her (she lives in TX, we live in NJ). I told her I was willing to rent a car and drive the four hours to see her and her family for a couple days after the performance but she said she'd rather meet us in a different town halfway between so instead of flying home after the performance, kids and I drove to the other town and got a hotel room for two days. After we arrived in the other town, she texted to say she couldn't come. I haven't heard from her since. I don't think she ever intended on coming and wish she'd just said as much so I didn't put out $375+ on hotel and restaurant meals for two days.

[swellmomma]

not that bad but yes.  My folks don't like my kids much, but truth be told I don't like my nephew much.  I still see my nephew often but I don't like how my sister is raising him, I don't like that he gets away with murder, and I don't like that my sister puts up such a fuss over something as simple as a hug (he is 7, I hugged him good bye last time and she started loudly saying "don't hurt him!" ) she has done that his whole life so he is pretty much scared of me though I have never done anything to him (she is also one that accused me of abusing my daughter because we were rough housing).  I never ever let on, I still see him, give him affection, get gifts etc even when I could not afford it.  I try because I think the majority of my issue is I can't stand my sister and so as the saying goes "sh*t runs downhill".

As for my folks and my kids, mine were never really the liked ones since nephew was born, gramma plays favorites, mine got the boot once he came along.  Now that I have teens my mom makes it very clear that she doesn't like them, that she doesn't want us around much etc.  My dad is fine with them, but she has pretty much guaranteed that at least 2 of her grandkids will not be sad when she dies and they have taken to asking how much longer I think she will live.  I assume it will be a while yet, she is only 56.  MY mom informed me the other day she would prefer if I didn't phone anymore and just texted to talk.  I don't have a cell phone, so that leaves fb. We used to talk daily, unless we were fighting.  But once my kids got to be teens she pulled back.  I am not surprised, it took until this year for her to admit I was a good teen.  For 20 years she maintained I was a hellion and out to ruin her life.  She just doesn't like teens in general I suspect and so now that my kids are teens she doesn't want to deal with them.

I asked my folks about my daughter renting a room from them if attends a university in the city because it would save her $10K a year not needing to stay in the dorms, it is quieter, safer etc.  They refused.  Actually in my mother's words "why would we want that sort of responsibility?"  Um, A. she would be an adult paying room and board, so not their responsibility and B because she is their grand-daughter and you would think they would want to ensure she would be safe and have less debt upon graduation.  But nope.  

[AnniePoo]

 

I asked my folks about my daughter renting a room from them if attends a university in the city because it would save her $10K a year not needing to stay in the dorms, it is quieter, safer etc.  They refused.  Actually in my mother's words "why would we want that sort of responsibility?"  Um, A. she would be an adult paying room and board, so not their responsibility and B because she is their grand-daughter and you would think they would want to ensure she would be safe and have less debt upon graduation.  But nope.  

 

When my kids are grown and out of the house, no amount of $ could possibly persuade me to take in another child, even my own grandchild, unless it was their last option short of being homeless.  

 

I am looking forward to having my own (quiet, predictable, clean) space again one day.  

[MamaBearTeacher]

My sister used to be at our house every weekend but when DS was two he got a diagnosis of autism and she told me she had to take care of herself and she stopped coming and now I haven't seen her in almost ten years. I can't understand this. She constantly professed her love for DS and I thought we were close.

 

On the other hand, I used to cry after each time I saw my mother. She would always say something hurtful. Not having her narcissism in my life has been a relief.

[abba12]

My FIL said, outright, that he wasn't ready to be a Grandad yet, and that we had had children too early because he still has teenage children at home, and isn't 'ready' to deal with toddlers again. He has no intention of changing anything about his house/lifestyle/attitude in order to accomodate them, and that we should treat visits to their house like we would a visit to the shops, or a gallery, and entertain/supervise/expect behaviour appropriately (of course, his expectations being far stricter than ours. as he made his children so afraid that they jumped at his every whim.) And, of course, this all has to be done at his house, not at our home where they feel safe and comfortable, because heaven forbid he actually have to make the effort to come here. He lives 20 miniutes away and I can count on one hand the number of times he has been in my house.

We've also told him it's not appropriate for him to dicipline our kids, and he has said outright that if we aren't doing our job as parents, he will, and he has no intention of keeping quiet if we aren't supervising them closely enough.

 

I'd cut him out altogether, but MIL adores the kids, so we do what we can for her sake. As much as she should stand up to him, she believes in being submissive to her husband and is too old to change, she simply wont stand up to him at all, and we don't want to deprive her of grandchildren, she's already been through so much.

 

And now FIL gets all bent out of shape and insulted because we no longer stay for meals, our visits are two hours, and absolutely never more than three, and they are, under no circumstances, allowed to babysit at their house. MIL may babysit alone in our home, which she loves, but she knows that FIL is not to come, the children have constant eye-contact supervision around everyone except MIL and two SILs who we trust. It's a very sad situation when the 5 other siblings plus FIL can't be trusted alone for a few minutes with the kids, but the last time I walked out to go to the bathroom, they began taunting eldest for using her right hand, because FIL and two siblings are left handed. It left her trying to use her left hand during school for weeks.... never again.). Of course, all this just means we don't care about him and we're trying to cut him out of our lives instead of completely changing the way we parent to suit him and what he believes is right. We know he feels like this because he openly tells others what a disappointment we've been. 

 

I kinda wish MIL wasn't interested, then we could just do the obligatory Christmas family visit and be done with them.

[FaithManor]

Not grandparents. They have been very good. But dh's sister and her husband are bizarrely self centered - barely interested in their own adult children much less nieces and nephews. My kids have not seen or spoken to her in 6 years and neither have I. Very peaceful. DH speaks to her on the phone once or twice per year for about 3 minutes each time and when their mother passes will not continue even that.

 

Her own son has not spoken to her in three years. She doesn't know where he lives either. Our oldest is expecting our first grandchild which she does not know about. We are perfectly comfortable with zero involvement as this woman is a real witch, very mean, horrible really.

 

 

[Guest]

Yes. This is similar to my parents. Mom is very loving when she is around the kids and has done things for them, so it's not like a total disregard. But they don't make an effort to see us/the kids, get together, do anything. Also, now health problems make a big impact because they have a small window of energy if they have a window at all and - let's just be frank - it's not as if I'm just sitting by the phone waiting to hear they are up for a visit. So months may pass witout a word from them. Also, their home is unfit for gatherings; I hardly ever go there. My youngest has never been to their house; my other kids have but it was so long ago, I doubt they recall. It only just dawned on DS10 that he does not know where they live and has never been there.

 

My Dad is worse about it than my mother is. He has only called maybe five times in my adulthood and three of those times were because my mother was ill and could not call. He has never e-mailed and claims he never will (technophobe). Mom is on FB, but mostly lurks. Dad will never be on FB.

 

My mom is selective about what things she thinks are "worthy" of attendance. She happily comes to plays or musical events if my kids are in those, but has never been to one sports event in 18 years. Not one!

 

This is not the kind of Grandma I hope to be. I hope to be the kind of Grandma who would say, "You're in a speed stacking competiton? Well, I don't even know what that is, but you BET I'll be there!" :D

 

P.S. I have been envious of some friends before because the Grandparents are totally invested in the grandkids, even in some cases, thoguh they live in different states. One kid in baseball - I knew his Gparents as well as his parents! They came to almost every game.

[Guest]

I just want to say, I can't really "like" any of these posts, though I am reading them. There's a lot of pain in this thread. Hugs to all.

[swellmomma]

When my kids are grown and out of the house, no amount of $ could possibly persuade me to take in another child, even my own grandchild, unless it was their last option short of being homeless.  

 

I am looking forward to having my own (quiet, predictable, clean) space again one day.  

See If it was an across the board thing I would agree. But it isn't.  When I left my husband we actually were risking homelessness and she wouldn't let us stay there.  But when my sister, her husband and nephew sold one house before the other was built they lived with my folks for nearly a year.  She has also invited my brother to move back in (well that was before he started dating this girl mom doesn't think is good enough and started a war with my brother).  SO it wasn't that they don't want anyone there, just not mine.  And we are not talking about a child, dd would be 18 at the time.  It no longer matters, since that discussion my mom burned some serious bridges with my dd, dd will not acknowledge my mothers existence anymore so it is a moot point.  But it was another dig at my family at the time, especially because she has an open door policy about my siblings and nephew.

[SKL]

I don't ask my parents to my kids' events, because I know they would not come, and I don't want to put them in the position of refusing all the time.  My mom did do a great thing - she came with me to my kids' birth country 2x during my adoption process and helped me bring the babies home.  My parents came to my dd's 1st birthday party 3 months later.  The next announced event was their baptism about 3 years later, and I think my dad came.  That was it.  My mom has a bad back and a lot of problems with her eyes.  My dad gets a lot of anxiety and has various aches and pains.  It sucks to get old.

 

This thread has me thinking about what kind of grandma I will be.  I am 40 years older than my kids.  I don't picture myself being the kind of granny that runs around to pee wee games and recitals all the time.  I kinda want to sit and sip tea and maybe watch old black & white movies in between naps.  My grandkids are gonna hate me.

[SharonM]

My mom has been really great with my kids. She is interested in their lives, knows whats going on. mil and fil were interested when fil was living, and mil came to visit alone, and with her boyfriend, (nobody liked him) and it was interesting they gave ds a gift for his birthday when he was 15, the same radio controlled car they gave his grandson age 5. She has nearly no personality by herself. They lived 1500 miles away we saw each other every summer for a few years, but less as they aged. Now, mil is moving here to live with us. And kids still live with us too. Its going to be fun!!!

[Entropymama]

This thread has been very cathartic to me, so thank you TammyS for starting it up. My dad was like this. He visited us three times when my kids were tiny, and all three were because he had business in the city or a layover (we live in another state). The kids would get Christmas and birthday presents, but I am certain they never spoke on the phone with him or his wife. He would rarely call; months could go by without us speaking unless I picked up the phone. We visited them several times, but generally all they would give us was half a day, once every two years or so. I always wanted a closer relationship with him, but he never seemed interested. He seemed perfectly fine with the way things were. He passed away in June without ever speaking about it. 

 

Hearing others' stories makes me feel so much less alone in this. 

[EmilyGF]

I think there are adults who just aren't really into kids in general. I had some in my extended family and it only caused grief when the people affected bent over backward to try to get those adults to engage. 

 

OTOH, my in-laws just believe that their kids should be really independent. That led to my now-hubby having some rather odd breaks during college (like traveling at Christmas instead of going to visit his parents - if I had done that, my parents would probably have stopped paying for college), so I was sort of warned. But it does mean we don't see them much and they don't do much to talk with us. Actually, DH had to say to them he wouldn't talk with them on the phone again until they set up skype (they had it on their tablet but refused to spend 5 minutes setting it up - something that had been going on for 9 months). We haven't visited them since 2007 at their home... but that may change soon. If that were my parents, they would be freaking out. Different families, different ways of living.

 

Emily

[Mergath]

What?!   I'm sitting here with my mouth hanging open trying to think of something to type. Just speechless!

 

 

My in-laws are kind of like that. (I don't mean about aborting but about not caring all that much.)  They want us to come visit but when we are there they don't pay too much attention to the kids.  I honestly think my whole little family disappoints them.  The homeschooling, the lack of sports in  our lives....   I'm pretty sure my in-laws expected their grandson to be on the high school football team and their granddaughter to be a cheerleader.  I think they would love the kids more if they had fulfilled those expectations.  Oh and attend their alma mater (which neither kid is likely to do for academic and residency reasons). 

 

This is my same brother who was fired from his second-to-last job working as a bouncer at a strip club for assaulting one of the dancers. (Yes, he somehow got a job after that. Let's all let that sink in for a moment.) Someday I expect I will stop being surprised by the things he does or says.  :glare:  (Though now that I've cut him off, it's so nice to only have to hear about this stuff secondhand.) 

 

It's really hard when the people who are supposed to care don't. Or they do, but they're stingy with their love.  :grouphug:

[mommymilkies]

I guess you could say that. The first time my brother met dd when she was a toddler, he told me I should have just aborted her.

 

I don't speak to my brother anymore.

OMG :(

 

My dad doesn't want anything to do with me or my kids, so I guess I can say yes. 

 

I will say that my mother and in-laws are way more into being grandparents than I ever got as a kid.  My grandmother was great, but my mother mentioned something about my grandpa deserving a ticket to a graduation more and I even said: "I'm pretty sure he's never even given me a bday card or said 5 words to me.  YOU get the ticket." I can't stand people who show up to look like they're something when they don't behave for the role.  For all of you who need or want family, I feel that extended family is more than blood.  I can adopt you. I don't have money, but I'll gush over your kids and send you cards and hang out and pinch cheeks. :)

[Mergath]

I haven't told my mother I'm pregnant for this exact reason. That's all she could talk about when I was pregnant with Mary. I'm just not going to listen to it. She can enjoy her home and her alcohol all by herself 4 states away and I'll let her know when the kid pops out. Or not.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Mergath]

OMG :(

 

My dad doesn't want anything to do with me or my kids, so I guess I can say yes. 

 

:(  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

Wow, I really feel for most of the posts in this thread. I feel like dh and I are waaayy more functional than any of our parents in many ways, but mostly they do care about the well being of our kids and give gifts, call, visit, ect. I really wanted to move to New Mexico instead of CA, but it was just too far away from our family and I couldn't do it to the kiddos.

[Slojo]

We felt this way for a long time, a bit on both sides! No horror stories, just benign neglect. It's gotten better in recent years, but on my DH's side, his parents (who were an hour away at the time - we've since moved to another state for job opportunities) visited us in our home once when our first child was born, and then we literally had not had a visit from them for two years. We SAW THEM plenty - almost once a month, by coming to them. But they didn't really visit us. At the time, DH's sister and her son were living with them. SIL was going through a horrible divorce, and we think that they got swept up in emotionally taking care of her, and assuming a great deal of responsibility for our nephew, who had come to live with them (and was, parenthetically, a handful when he was younger). So my most charitable view was that they were absorbed in that difficult whirlwind of events, and it took years for them to emerge from that. But it still hurt - my DH in particular. It didn't help that several years later when my other SIL finally had a baby, she gave birth to the first girl of that generation (we had two boys and the nephew that is living with them, obviously a boy). They raved about her, and went on and on about travelling to see her, and how fun it was to see all of her baby cute milestones (BTW, SIL #2 lives in DC while the rest of us are in the Midwest) - I think that first year, they went to SIL#2 four or five times. Seriously, it was like she was their first grandchild -- and they were experiencing the joy of grandparenting for the first time! 

 

For two years up to last year when we moved, MIL did start coming to our house once a week to help with childcare. Mostly nice - but in all of the "sudden cloesness" I realized that our personalities can kind of clash. I had learned how to get along without "grandparent help" in that way, and she can be pretty take charge -- not a great combination. Oh, well. Now we are five hours away. I think they still visit SIL#2 more often - maybe it's a daughter thing (visit and help your daughters more than your son's family; maybe because you figure DIL has her own mom helping her???)

 

My DH has tried to create more "spend time with the kids" opportunities, and wanted to do an annual camping trip with the boys and his dad, but his dad has yet to express any real interest in that (my FIL goes camping 6 - 7 times a year, and you'd think, "This is something you enjoy/easy hobby to share with the grandkids.") But the interest has seemed so low to my DH that he's given up mentioning it - it's almost too painful. They are great people otherwise, and seem to respond to "duty." They'll come out out of "duty" but not just to hang with the grandkids because, maybe, they're cool people. It is what it is. Maybe it's generational, maybe they are giving us our "space." What's that joke about crossing an elephant and a rhino? El-i-fhino...

 

My parents - well, they've been saddled with health problems for the last 8 years (most of my children's lifetime). I think they would if they had the life energy. They care - I can tell. But I think the kids are an energy drain for them, honestly. There's been three bouts with cancer, a stroke, and multiple hospitalizations. They've come through them, but I think the years of someone always being sick have taken their toll. So, they don't do much with the kids directly. I know that it's the illnesses, but I am always a little sensitive when people who don't know my extended family say things like, "Your kids are so cute, your parents and in-laws must fight you to keep them at their house and steal those babies from you all the time." Umm... no, not really. No one really has the time or energy for that on either side -- unless we initiate or ask. On the one side, it feels like "duty" as the main driver for relating to the grandkids, on the other, I know they don't have the energy for more than an hour or two at a time (and I can count on my hands the number of times I've even asked), and that's if I set up the video and snacks and plant the kids in front of the TV, and get back right as the movie credits are rolling.  

 

We are not totally on our own, but I have not had an experience of "doting grandparents" in the emotional sense of that word. I don't mean to complain, though. When MIL does come, she's actually really great with the kids, even doting. But we have to ask every time, there just doesn't seem to be an independent interest to initiate (and my ILs are go-getter, take charge kind of people).

 

So, yes, sometimes we feel a bit "grandparentless." I intellectually understand, but I wish things were different. 

 

But I know the love is there. But,My dad is a tech enthusiast, but my parent's income is more fixed than it was when he could work. My dad had a bit of money come in from the death of my grandmother a few years back, and -- long story short -- I know he used some of it to buy the kids an Ipad. He could have probably used the money for many other things, but it was his way of saying he really cares for the kids even though he doesn't have the energy to do much with them directly, and he wanted to "spoil" them a little. I remind the kids often that their Ipad comes from their grandparents. 

 

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

I guess you could say that. The first time my brother met dd when she was a toddler, he told me I should have just aborted her.

 

I don't speak to my brother anymore.

 

Ex MIL actually curled her lip with derision when speaking about my Marek. Her few hours babysitting him was the worst experience of his life.

 

Her being that sort of person is why I had made it very clear she was never, ever to babysit. 

 

 

There are worse things than neutral grandparents, unfortunately. :ack2:

[Joyofsixreboot]

Neither of our families have ever really cared. I have hosted any holiday gathering the family has ever had and had to invite repeatedly. None of my dh's 3 sisters married or had kids. My brother and SIL had one. they just aren't into family much.

[DawnM]

Yup.  My kids will never be as smart, productive, or successful as DH's sister's kids.  

 

MIL asks questions just to throw a, "Oh yeah, that's nothing, you should be like your cousin, she did X or Y."

 

We tell them very little!!!!!!!!!!!!

[madteaparty]

I am so sorry. I am really sensitive about how my kids are treated and this would just upset me.

Not like you describe, but I don't thjnk my in laws are nearly into my kids as they are into their other set by their daughter. There are good reasons for this, mainly that the other set lives closer, so they go to games and events and have them overnight etc. I've recently realised they also don't know what to do with my kids, they are raised so differently than what they know, it's like they are the grandchild version of "the Other". It bothered me for many years but now I've made peace with it. The kids don't know other than when they go there, and the other grandkids are there. This happens very rarely, so that's good.