Taking husband's surname upon marriage?

[Isabella]

Haven't got much time tonight, and I hardly even have a question about it, but I thought I'd bring up this topic for discussion, as my newly married daughter and I were talking about it today.  

 

She hasn't taken her husband's name, but possibly will in the future (maybe when kids arrive).  Her reasons for keeping her own name are vague, but mostly to do with a slight rebellion of the IDEA of male authority (her dh is not at all like that, though, but her dad has a fairly patriarchal mindset, which we are all pushing against), and a fear of loss of personal identity.  She doesn't have a very strong bias against it though, hence her openness to changing at some point in the future.  She also wouldn't care if they got a letter addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband'sName.  It's not a big deal to her really.  She has told grandma, aunty etc, but not really broadcast the matter in general.

 

To be honest, I was a bit surprised that she decided to keep her name, but it doesn't concern me at all, and now that I'm used to the idea I think it's pretty cool that she's progressive enough to follow through with it.  Her Dh was also a little surprised when she mentioned it to him, but when she posed it to him and asked if he'd not have any qualms about foregoing his name and changing to hers.  He admitted it would be quite a big ask, and something he'd not do so easily, so now completely understands her reasoning, and isn't concerned.  

 

We come from a fairly conservative church, though, where most members wouldn't even comprehend why a woman would do that.  They wouldn't condemn anyone that did, thank goodness, but they'd be a little bemused with the idea.  As mentioned, she hasn't really told anyone, because she's not making a big deal about it, but she gets a little peeved when, in our small town, church members bump into her in the street and delight in saying 'Hi, Mrs HusbandsName'.  She kind of wonders why they would say it, and assumes they think she'd be thrilled to hear herself called Mrs…, but doesn't understand why they'd think anyone would be thrilled to change their name and hear it mentioned very frequently.  Obviously, to be fair to the lovely older church ladies, they don't know that she has kept her name, and she doesn't correct them, as she can't be bothered with the explanations.

 

Even among the younger married in our church culture, I'm not sure that this is really done very often, but my dd doesn't really know too many others close by that she can chat to about it.  The ones close by have taken their dh's name.  

 

In my own experience, I was happy to take my dh's name because I didn't like my foreign sounding maiden name, and was sick of it being mispronounced, commented on, etc.

 

So….any discussions or viewpoints welcome. 

Do you have your husbands name?  Do your married dd's?  Friends?  How common is it?  Less among Christians?  Oh, and something that we really were wondering together is how would you formally address a married lady keeping her own name…Miss Lucy Lastname, Mrs Lucy Lastname, Ms…?  Or is Mrs reserved only to be used if you've taken your husband's surname?  

[RKWAcademy]

I loved my maiden name and do not like my husband's name.  I still took his name so I'd have the same name as my kids.  That's the only reason, I'm not traditional or Christian and it's my second marriage (I didn't take my first husband's name, but warn her it may come up in legal documents {such as mortgage paperwork} where she has to sign as that name since it's an "alias").  My new name is just a name and most of the time I don't care, although I do wish we all had my maiden name.  I'd still formally address someone as Mrs. husband's name even if she didn't take that name because she is actually his wife so the name fits.  I don't do that with my sister (meaning written address or any time I'd refer to her as her full name) who kept her name, but that is because she's family and I know the situation. Strangers don't need to be aware of your dd's name situation.  She's still a Mrs. Husband's name. 

[Amira]

I legally changed my last name to dh's when we got married, but I never got used to it. After 15 years, I started using my name again all the time, except when signing legal documents since it's a hassle to switch it back legally.  I wish I hadn't changed it in the first place but I was in very conservative area where people didn't do that, then or now.  I wish I had waited before changing it to see if I really wanted to do it.  It feels right to use my name and I have loved using it again for several years now.

 

I'm in a rather conservative church and I am constantly reminding people to use my last name.  I have a few friends who kept their name, but they've given up on getting people to use it at church.  In my experience, if you want it to be done in a church where people are more traditional, you can't be quiet about it and you have to decide if it's worth it to you to speak up about it and deal with the comments some people make.  It is to me.

 

The next generation in my family (all in the same church) are taking their husband's last names and it is definitely still commented on if you don't.  I don't know if Christians (of any flavor) are more likely to change their names- I think it has more to do with being traditional than religious.

 

If someone wants to be formal, I'm okay with Ms. Firstname Lastname, but I much prefer it when people drop the title and just use my name. 

[AK_Mom4]

I grew up with a last name that had some unfortunate rhymes, so was happy to let it disappear and take DH's much-better last name.

 

However, I don't think it's a big deal if a woman chooses to not change her name. There are enough variations these days that people aren't surprised if the kids have a different last name than parents. I know one couple where the husband took the wife's last name. It's all good.

[kewb]

I was not going to take dh's name at all when we got married 23 years ago. I didn't see why I had to change my name just because we were getting married. As it got closer he was all sad I didn't want his name at all so I agreed to add his on. I wanted him to take my name as well but he was not forward thinking enough at the time.

When we went for our marriage license the clerk told me not to hyphenate so that I could use either last name and I wouldn't have to rush to change all of my legal documents. That is what I did. I have 2 last names.

We have a few friends where they each hypenated their last names like I wanted to do with dh. We have friends and relatives who did not change their names.

I also dislike dh's last name. It is always being mispronounced.

What someone else decides to do is their business. No skin off my nose whatever they decide.

[marbel]

I thought about not changing my name when I got married.  This was my second marriage, and I'd change my name when I married the first time, then changed it back when I got divorced, so I was not super keen on changing it again.  But I did, because if we had kids I wanted us all to have the same last name.  I've no regrets.

 

In my experience it's not that uncommon for women to keep their maiden names upon marriage, though, so I don't see it as a big deal.   It may be less common among more conservative Christians but I know a few who have kept their maiden names. 

 

A married woman who has kept her maiden name is Ms Firstname Lastname.  It's only Mrs if a woman is married and using her husband's last name.

 

(I think it used to be that the proper address for a married woman was Mrs. Husbandfirstname Huabandlastname.  Mrs. Wifefirstname Husbandlastname was to be for divorced women only.  But I don't think that is followed anymore.)

 

I don't understand why your daughter is peeved at being called Mrs. Husbandlastname by people if she has not told them she kept her maiden name.  Particularly among older folks, a woman taking her husband's name is the expected default.   ETA:  I expect that to change over time in the US as more women are opting to keep their own last names.

 

 

[Isabella]

I loved my maiden name and do not like my husband's name.  I still took his name so I'd have the same name as my kids.  That's the only reason, I'm not traditional or Christian and it's my second marriage (I didn't take my first husband's name, but warn her it may come up in legal documents {such as mortgage paperwork} where she has to sign as that name since it's an "alias").  My new name is just a name and most of the time I don't care, although I do wish we all had my maiden name.  I'd still formally address someone as Mrs. husband's name even if she didn't take that name because she is actually his wife so the name fits.  I don't do that with my sister (meaning written address or any time I'd refer to her as her full name) who kept her name, but that is because she's family and I know the situation. Strangers don't need to be aware of your dd's name situation.  She's still a Mrs. Husband's name. 

 

I don't fully understand what you mean here…. if she has to sign anything legal, I'm assuming it would be fine for her to sign with her maiden name as it's not an 'alias', it's her correct and legal name.  It would be impossible for her to sign with her husband's name if it isn't legally hers.  Marriage doesn't automatically change your name - you need to fill out the name change paperwork along with the marriage paperwork if you want a name change (which she obviously hasn't done).

[kroe1]

It is no big deal around here. I think it is about half and half who change names in our circle of in real life friends. If the mother keeps her maiden name, then the children usually take her name if mom plans to be the main carpool parent.

[Isabella]

I thought about not changing my name when I got married.  This was my second marriage, and I'd change my name when I married the first time, then changed it back when I got divorced, so I was not super keen on changing it again.  But I did, because if we had kids I wanted us all to have the same last name.  I've no regrets.

 

In my experience it's not that uncommon for women to keep their maiden names upon marriage, though, so I don't see it as a big deal.   It may be less common among more conservative Christians but I know a few who have kept their maiden names. 

 

A married woman who has kept her maiden name is Ms Firstname Lastname.  It's only Mrs if a woman is married and using her husband's last name.

 

(I think it used to be that the proper address for a married woman was Mrs. Husbandfirstname Huabandlastname.  Mrs. Wifefirstname Husbandlastname was to be for divorced women only.  But I don't think that is followed anymore.)

 

I don't understand why your daughter is peeved at being called Mrs. Husbandlastname by people if she has not told them she kept her maiden name.  Particularly among older folks, a woman taking her husband's name is the expected default.   ETA:  I expect that to change over time in the US as more women are opting to keep their own last names.

 She is mainly peeved because it happens all the time when they see her, whereas before she was married, they never came up to her gleefully and said 'Hi, Miss MaidenName', they'd use her first name only.  I guess it's because they think being newly married, that she'd be thrilled to hear the title Mrs, and naturally they'd use Husband's Name to go with it.  She'd prefer they'd still say 'Hi, Lucy' as they always used to.  I think after the initial newness has worn off they'll go back to using her first name upon greeting.

[Reefgazer]

I have been married 21 years and didn't take DH's name, nor did I hyphenate. We had quite a difference about it, but I was firm because I did not like the origins of that practice and I disliked it enough so that I wasn't going to support it. IMO, that alone is reason enough. However, my other reason was that I didn't marry until I was 33 and I had already established my identity for much of my adult life under my birth name and wasn't about to establish a new identity at the ripe old age of 33, LOL! Anyway, it's been a non-issue. Everyone involved has adjusted well, and it has had absolutely no impact on the kids (which seemed to be one of the main objections to me not changing my name). Obviously, after 21 very happy years, it didn't mean we were headed for divorce either. And no one is "confused" about who I am related to, either.

You or your DD will not e changing anyone's opinions about this, so my advice is for your DD to handle it as she she's fit, and let the church people and anyone else who objects deal with their own hangups on their own. It's a pass the bean dip situation, usually.

 

ETA:  A woman who has not changed her name is not Mrs. Husband's Last Name, she would be properly referred to as Ms. Firstname Lastname.  I used to not respond to people who called me otherwise, just to be a b*itch, LOL!

[DesertBlossom]

I don't know very many people who didn't change their name. One was a 2nd marriage and the wife wanted to keep the same last name as her kids.

 

For me, I recognize that taking the husband's name is a tradition. I don't think there's anything inherently right or wrong about it. But I do like the way having the same last name symbolically unites a husband a wife into one family. It's the Jones or Smith family, instead of a combination of people with different last names.

[Garga]

23 years ago, when I was about to get married, my dh and I discussed this. We strongly considered the idea of picking a completely new last name just for the two of us. He was worried it would be too hard to explain to the family so we didn't.

 

I ended up taking his name. I wish I hadn't. I was proud of my family and it feels sad to me to have let that part of me go. It's like it broke a bit of the bond we had. My family is very unique and it was just the three of us. (Mom, Dad, me.) I've never met anyone who doesn't find them unique. They're really very different from everyone else. I was proud to say, "We are the So-and-Sos." Dropping that name did feel like I lost part of myself, or part of my roots.

 

I have lightly considered changing my name back. I think I will after the kids are grown. I wish they shared my name and my husband's. I wish we'd used both names in the end.

[madteaparty]

I did not tack on DH's name when we married but I did so when we had kids. I like to say I have my kids' name :) practically speaking, I travel frequently alone with the kids and I did not want the hassle of having a different last name.

What I wonder is what happens if either of my two marry someone with two last names as well. I imagine they just have a longer list to choose from.

I don't think last names are a big deal, and I get no special meaning out of mine or his.

[Mabelen]

I have been married 21 years and didn't take DH's name, nor did I hyphenate. We had quite a difference about it, but I was firm because I did not like the origins of that practice and I disliked it enough so that I wasn't going to support it. IMO, that alone is reason enough. However, my other reason was that I didn't marry until I was 33 and I had already established my identity for much of my adult life under my birth name and wasn't about to establish a new identity at the ripe old age of 33, LOL! Anyway, it's been a non-issue. Everyone involved has adjusted well, and it has had absolutely no impact on the kids (which seemed to be one of the main objections to me not changing my name). Obviously, after 21 very happy years, it didn't mean we were headed for divorce either. And no one is "confused" about who I am related to, either.

 

You or your DD will not e changing anyone's opinions about this, so my advice is for your DD to handle it as she she's fit, and let the church people and anyone else who objects deal with their own hangups on their own. It's a pass the bean dip situation, usually.

I could have written this post except we have been married for 24 years.

[Crimson Wife]

My parents got married in 1970's Berkeley and my mom kept her name. She and my dad saddled me with a horribly clunky hyphenated name that I HATED. Seriously, I wish they had picked either my mom's name or my dad's for me. Trying to locate records from before I got married is a nightmare because I never know what they're listed under.

 

Imagine my name was Jane Doe-Smith. The records could be under Doe-Smith, Jane; Smith, Jane; Doe, Jane; Doesmith, Jane; Smith, Jane Doe (as a double first name), etc. etc.

 

I got married 2 weeks after my college graduation and couldn't wait to dump it in favor of my DH's name.

[jelbe5]

I was previously married, went back to my maiden name after my divorce and was reluctant to take my now husband's last name. I use both when I sign papers, etc.

[Arcadia]

It isn't common in the country I came from for the wife to take the surname of the husband even during my grandparents time.

 

For formal invites, to events

if couple is invited - Mr & Mrs Husband Firstname Lastname

It only I am invited - Ms/Madam My Firstname Lastname

 

For greetings we go by first names and kids would just say the informal uncle/aunt or formal sit/madam.

 

The only time I had people call me Mrs HusbandName was when we bought our house and were at the title company. Acquaintances just use whatever I introduce myself as.

 

In my area people who marry late and are already established in their careers usually ask to be called by their lastname and their business cards and email signature go by their lastname. My kids pediatrician and dentists all kept their lastname. I know they attend church but do not know which denomination.

[gardenmom5]

My daughter uses both.  professionally, she uses her maiden name. her maiden name is what is on her school records and diploma. (even though she was married when she graduated.)  names affect licensing with the state.

I don't know what my neice does (socialy she uses her married name) - she was established when she married so she may have just made the name change with the licensing board. or she may use her maiden name professionally. (they have played with the idea of making up a new last name for both of them to use.)

 

socially, dd is using her married name, and has even changed her e-mail to reflect that.

 

the two other women I know who used the maiden name also did so for professional reasons. both started using their husbands name when they had kids.  (one became established under her ex's name.  she liked it better than her maiden name, so she happily changed it.  she continued to use it professionally for a time after she remarried.)

 

I think it does give confusion when mom and kids have different last names - or if dad has a different last name . . . people think someone is late on the scene and a step-parent.  I do know a woman in that situation (more than one actually) . . . and it took me awhile to realize, it's just different names.  but before I knew they lived in the same house - I thought they were divorced.

 

Ms would be the correct title if she is using her maiden name.

 

eta: I disliked my last name (my father's step-father's name.), and was thrilled to dump it.  my brother changed his last name back to our father's birth-father.  

 

eta: we belong to a conservative religion - but live in a very liberal area. (I grew up in a liberal family.)

[liber]

I hyphenated my last name. For me, who I am is tied up in my last name. It tells me where I come from. For me to take on my husbands last name made feel like I was giving up who I was. Since I was adding him to my life it made sense for me to hyphenate my name. I also didn't like that my kids wouldn't have my last name so, all the kids have my maiden name for their middle name.

[BusyMom5]

I liked my DH's last name better, so it wasn't ever an issue.  My maiden name was never pronounced correctly- EVER.  I'd have teachers in school not be able to pronounce it even weeks after school was in session.

[mamaraby]

I changed my last name to my husband's because that was what people did, but I wish I hadn't and I wish we had used both last names with the kids.

 

I ceased to exist as a separate entity in the eyes of my college when I got married and that part irritates me, but given that I share very few things in common with their conservative Christian beliefs, I guess that's to be expected.

[yucabird]

I mostly use my husband’s surname, though I keep my maiden on my bank account and some other personal accounts/documents.  I would have kept my maiden, but my husband asked me to change it, thinking it would make things easier (We are of different nationalities, living in a country in which neither of us are nationals.).  Now we both wish I had not honored his request.

 

In the country in which we are living, two surnames are used.  Because my name was changed to that of my spouse (listed on my passport and visa), when my daughters were born something like “Jane Smith Smith†was put on their birth certificates.  My children have embarrassing, inbred-sounding names.

    
I would never have thought something like a name-change would be problematic … but you never know where life will take you!

[Butter]

I took my husband's name.  I don't have any RL friends who didn't.  I have a friend who is getting a divorce currently and is going back to her maiden name and she's said if she remarries she will keep her maiden name.  Her kids, of course, have their father's last name but that's not a huge deal since it's much more common nowadays for a mother/children to have different last names.  I've always referred to people who kept their own last name as Ms. X.  Then again it's not unusual to call women who took their husband's last name as Ms. Y.  I think Ms. is just a lot more normal over Mrs. anyway.

[gardenmom5]

I mostly use my husband’s surname, though I keep my maiden on my bank account and some other personal accounts/documents.  I would have kept my maiden, but my husband asked me to change it, thinking it would make things easier (We are of different nationalities, living in a country in which neither of us are nationals.).  Now we both wish I had not honored his request.

 

In the country in which we are living, two surnames are used.  Because my name was changed to that of my spouse (listed on my passport and visa), when my daughters were born something like “Jane Smith Smith†was put on their birth certificates.  My children have embarrassing, inbred-sounding names.

    

I would never have thought something like a name-change would be problematic … but you never know where life will take you!

 

 I knew a dear sweet lady whose last name only had one letter difference between herself and her dh.  the names were pronounced identically. (that extra letter was somewhere in the middle.)

when she went to change it, she went nuts trying to make the clerk understand to what she was changing her name.

 

eta: and it's not a common name - even in the country of their ancestors.

[MyThreeSons]

The only woman I can think of off-hand that I personally know who didn't take her husband's name is my cousin. And it was her second husband's name she didn't take. She was established as a professional artist and as an art therapist with her first husband's last name, so she has kept that. 

 

Our shared paternal grandmother was the opposite: her husband's name became her identity. She introduced herself as "Mrs. Ovid H_____". It really irked my Mom when grandma would introduce her to her friends as "Mrs. Bill H____". My Mom was proud to take my Dad's last name, but she wanted to be known by her first name, not as my Dad's wife. 

[InterestingCase]

I was married early in my 20s and changed my name. I changed back to my maiden name when we divorced. When I remarried, I kept my maiden name. It was the name on my degrees, etc. But one other point, my maiden name is listed on ALL of my kids' birth certificates, whether from my first marriage or 2nd. It clearly ties me to my child from my first marriage as well as my second. If I had taken my second husband's name, the tie would not have been as clear to my first child when laying out paperwork (more documents needed, etc0, Not really a bit deal, but I like to keep things simple. 

 

One more thing, when I was divorced from my first husband and changing my name back on my Social Security card. I had a very nasty clerk tell me that because I had kept my last name as a middle name, I must never have planned to stay married anyway. I was only 23 and had my son with me.I was raised in a traditional household and had very good reasons for seeking a divorce, even under the strictest of guidelines. I was already devastated and just trying to keep my head up: This nasty, spiteful woman's words stung in a way I will never forget.

 

I have been married to my second husband for 14 years and look forward to many, many more. He says he has always liked my name and is happy for it to stay as it is.

 

 

[chocolatechip]

Not married myself, but just remembering from when I was a kid:

 

We knew a family where the wife had not changed her name. It was SO confusing to us kids. We didn't know whether to call her Mrs. A (even though that wasn't technically her name) or Miss B (because she can't be Mrs. B if there is no Mr. B she is married to). But Miss B didn't seem to accurately reflect her status, it didn't feel respectful considering she was married, etc. Ack, it was awkward for sure. We actually ended up calling her Mrs. A generally, which it turned out she didn't mind.

 

Would your daughter mind being called Mrs. HisLastname by people who are confused?

[gardenmom5]

The only woman I can think of off-hand that I personally know who didn't take her husband's name is my cousin. And it was her second husband's name she didn't take. She was established as a professional artist and as an art therapist with her first husband's last name, so she has kept that. 

 

Our shared paternal grandmother was the opposite: her husband's name became her identity. She introduced herself as "Mrs. Ovid H_____". It really irked my Mom when grandma would introduce her to her friends as "Mrs. Bill H____". My Mom was proud to take my Dad's last name, but she wanted to be know by her first name, not as my Dad's wife. 

 

depending upon the generation of your grandmother . . a woman IDing herself as "mrs herfirstname/husbandssurname would be thought to be divorced.  married women were Mrs husbandsfirstname/surname.

 

that's one of the reasons Ms developed as a title.

[gardenmom5]

Not married myself, but just remembering from when I was a kid:

 

We knew a family where the wife had not changed her name. It was SO confusing to us kids. We didn't know whether to call her Mrs. A  or Miss B

Would your daughter mind being called Mrs. HisLastname by people who are confused?

 

that's easy.

 

it's __friend's name __ mommy . . . . ;)   (at least that was common among little kids.)

[EKS]

I didn't take my husband's name mostly because I was too lazy to do it.

[lailasmum]

I never changed my name and it mostly is because I can't see why I should have to. I personally hate that the norm was for women's titles and names to change in relation to marital status, it makes me angry. Amongst my friends it's really mixed, some do, some don't. I am unlikely to answer if someone was to say Mrs husbands surname, it's not me and I don't associate it with myself. The only people who ever do use it are elderly relatives and only in writing usually. They do it because it's the norm to them. Our kids have my husbands surname because it's a nice name and double barrel with mine is pretty awkward. Where I live is pretty informal and people just tend to use your first name or full name but no title. Using the title seems really old-fashioned to my ears.

[jar7709]

I never changed my name either. It's not that unusual in the circles I travel. My parents thought it kind of funny, my grandmother never got used to it and continues to insist I did take husband's name, but it's nothing I get bent out of shape about. We know the truth. :D The kids have DH's last name, as well as my last name as a middle name.

[umsami]

I did not take my name.  In many Muslim countries, women do not.  I think part of it goes back to the naming culture of First Name daughter of Father's First Name ....Grandfather's First Name.....Great Grandfather's Name...etc.   So your name might be Mariam Ibrahim Abdul-Azim or whatever which means that your Dad's name was Ibrahim and your grandfather's name was Abdul-Azim.   If you added your husband's name, it would imply that he was your great-grandfather or something like that.  Kind of part is not obscuring your family/lineage.  

 

Also, all of my degrees and stuff are in my name.

 

My Mom still addresses me, though as my last name hyphen husband's last name.  Even though I've told her for the past 13+ years that I never took his name.   She is of the generation where your maiden last name becomes your middle name upon marriage.

[G5052]

We had a lot of debate about this because by the time I got married, I had 15 years of professional life and graduate work that I didn't want lost.

 

In the end, I did change my name legally when we got married. I decided that I liked my husband's name and his heritage more than mine, and was very happy to identify myself with him at that point. I didn't feel "lost" at all doing that. We run in conservative Christian circles, but DH was completely supportive either way and left the choice to me.

 

Professionally I continued to use my maiden name though. After about six months I decided to change employers, and at that point I decided to change it at work. I put both names on my voicemail, email signature, and documents though because I was still doing some networking with my former employer. When I changed jobs again within that agency two years later to entirely different organization, I dropped both names.

 

I dealt with some eldercare issues this summer where my lawyer advised me to sign "First name (Maiden name) Last name" just to make the family connection clear. 

[Mergath]

I took dh's last name when we married because it mattered to him and I didn't really care either way, but now I kind of wish I had kept my own last name. Dh's last name is americanized french, and I have to spell it for everyone. Sometimes more than once. 

 

I seriously considered changing my name to my mom's maiden name back when dh's politican uncle had a scandal that made it all the way into the mainstream national news. We have the same unusual last name, and there was about a month where I'd get some serious side-eye every time I had to say my name. If we didn't have a kid (who already has dh's last name) I probably would have.

[gardenmom5]

 She is mainly peeved because it happens all the time when they see her, whereas before she was married, they never came up to her gleefully and said 'Hi, Miss MaidenName', they'd use her first name only.  I guess it's because they think being newly married, that she'd be thrilled to hear the title Mrs, and naturally they'd use Husband's Name to go with it.  She'd prefer they'd still say 'Hi, Lucy' as they always used to.  I think after the initial newness has worn off they'll go back to using her first name upon greeting.

 

do the majority (or at least plurality) of young brides they know aspire to a M. R. S. 'degree'?  if so, they may think she likes hearing it.  if it bothers her that much, she should tell them "that's much too formal. It makes me feel like I hardly know you. please, call me herfirstname".

 

 

 

One more thing, when I was divorced from my first husband and changing my name back on my Social Security card. I had a very nasty clerk tell me that because I had kept my last name as a middle name, I must never have planned to stay married anyway.

 

 

 

and exhibit A of how some people are just complete ."piece(s) of work".

 

I'm so sorry.

[Frances]

I did not change my name, and we did not even discuss it as a possibility. We thought about using a hyphenated last name, but ultimately decided against it for several reasons, including the following:

 

- The length, as we both have long last names

- What any future children would be able to do with a hyphenated name when they married

- We both have ethic names (first, last, and middle) that we like and are a strong part of our identity

- The work involved in changing our names, as we moved across the country immediately after our wedding and started new jobs, grad school, etc.

- I was considering a career in academia and had already published under my name

 

We were involved with academia for the first 20 years of our marriage and in that environment, our choice was very common. Outside of that setting, I have not met as many women who did not change their name. We gave our son my last name as his middle name, and perhaps because he looks so much like me, it's never been an issue or cause for confusion that I had a different last name.

 

Over the years, people have called me all different things and it's never really bothered me. Before answering machines and voice mail, it often made for an easy way to quickly identify solicitation phone calls. The only time I insist on my correct legal name being used is on legal documents and financial accounts.

[VeganCupcake]

I didn't change my name, though we live in a pretty conservative area and go to a conservative church. I saw no reason to change my name--it's just a cultural tradition that I didn't particularly care for. Our kids have both names and oldest picks and chooses which one she wants to use at any given time. It's fine with me.

 

It does seem to confuse people around here, but I don't mind. 

[livetoread]

We have been married 21 years. I kept my name and my dh was fine with it. I have never regretted it. He wanted to hyphenate the kids, but our son could have been a IV so I wanted to go with that (since I loved dh's dad as well as dh). Our daughter was trickier. We gave her dh's last name to be consistent with ds and my last name is her middle name. Sometimes now I wish we had given her my name.

 

Overall it has been much less of a hassle than I thought it would be keeping my name. I too belonged to a conservative church community at the time and there was some muttering, but nothing big.

[Entropymama]

 She is mainly peeved because it happens all the time when they see her, whereas before she was married, they never came up to her gleefully and said 'Hi, Miss MaidenName', they'd use her first name only.  I guess it's because they think being newly married, that she'd be thrilled to hear the title Mrs, and naturally they'd use Husband's Name to go with it.  She'd prefer they'd still say 'Hi, Lucy' as they always used to.  I think after the initial newness has worn off they'll go back to using her first name upon greeting.

 

In defense of the church ladies, I imagine it's just their way of getting in on the excitement of her being newly married. Imagine if you'd just graduated with your PhD. They might call you "Dr. Soandso" as a way of acknowledging that. 

 

I took DH's name, partly because it was what people did, but mostly because I was excited about creating a family with him. I wanted us to share a name. I would have preferred us to take mine, because his is very common, but he wanted me to take his and I didn't care enough to make a big fuss. It never occurred to me that I'd lose my identity by changing my name. I am who I am, no matter what my driver's license says. 

 

ETA: I do remember my grandmother addressing cards to me as "Mrs. Husband'sfirstname Husband'slastname". I honestly thought it was kind of cute. 

[Entropymama]

As far as having different last names than your children - I do remember a time when I was 17 that this was a real problem. My mom had been divorced and remarried so we had different last names. I was driving her car and got pulled over. The officer made a big deal about the registration being a different name than my driver's license and accused me of stealing the car, or at least driving it without permission. We had to get in touch with my mom and get it sorted and it took over an hour. I know that's a singular incident, but it was tough sometimes having different names. 

[MyThreeSons]

On another name-changing note: 

 

My grandfather was given a "family tradition" middle name at birth that he hated. It reflected his Italian immigrants parents' heritage, but was kind of weird in America. When he was a fairly young man, he started using an Americanized version of his father's first name as his middle name. He had a drivers' license with his new name, filed his taxes with his new name, got a SS card with his new name, used his new name on his childrens' birth certificates, etc. But he never legally changed his name. Then after he retired, he and my grandma were going to take a cruise to Europe. When he went to get his passport, he ran into trouble. He ended up having to have an old buddy, who had known him since before he started using his new middle name, come to court to swear that this was the same man, and that he had not used the new name with intent to deceive. 

[texasmama]

 She is mainly peeved because it happens all the time when they see her, whereas before she was married, they never came up to her gleefully and said 'Hi, Miss MaidenName', they'd use her first name only.  I guess it's because they think being newly married, that she'd be thrilled to hear the title Mrs, and naturally they'd use Husband's Name to go with it.  She'd prefer they'd still say 'Hi, Lucy' as they always used to.  I think after the initial newness has worn off they'll go back to using her first name upon greeting.

I think they are just recognizing her new marriage.

 

I changed my name to my first husband's name when we married.  I was glad to leave my maiden name behind for many reasons.  I kept the name when we divorced because we had a child, it would have been a lot of trouble to change it, and I was young so foresaw another marriage and yet  another name change.  When I remarried, I took dh's name.  Obviously, I would not have kept my first husband's name during a second marriage.  (Maybe it's not obvious, but it would seem odd for me to keep it as the marriage ended in divorce.)  Dh's name is easy to say, easy to spell, and I like it.  I like him.  I plan to keep it.  I went so far as to order a copy of my graduate diploma with my changed married name.  (It had my first married name on it.)

 

The vast majority of the women I know my age have taken their dh's last name.  There are some hyphenated names.  I have known women who kept their maiden name legally/professionally and used their dh's name socially.  I have known women who kept their maiden name and then changed it once children came along.  I knew one man who changed his name to his wife's name.  

 

I think folks should do what they want.  

[pehp]

I changed my name, but thought hard about NOT doing it b/c my first name plus my husband's last name is really, truly ridiculous.  People always laugh when I tell them my name.  Anyhow.  I was a lot like your daughter and sort of pushed against expectations, or at least I FELT like I did.  But in the end, I took his name and I'm quite happy with it, even though my name is ridiculous. 

 

My aunt kept her name.  She was always called Mrs. Jane Smith (her maiden name...not her real name, obviously) and their kids had hyphenated names growing up, which the kids themselves just evolved into their father's name as they became adults (it's just easier--they had two rather long last names).   When I send them a Christmas card, I write Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Smith.  It has never been a big issue, really.  

 

I have a couple other female relatives who kept their names, too--and are all formally Mrs. Firstname Maidename.  

 

 

[redsquirrel]

I didn't change my name.  Tell your daughter that what is happening now, with people calling her by the wrong name, will be over quickly.  People will figure it out and it will be a non-issue.  Except there will always be one or two old relatives who can't figure it out.  We sort of laugh about it, because my first name and his last name is the same name as one of his cousins. So once a year I have a split second of wondering why we are getting a christmas card for his cousin delivered to our house.  It is always my Uncle's family.

 

We gave the kids my last name. That causes more questions than the two of us not having the same last name. Honestly, our kids love it.  It messes with people and gives us endless amusement. 

[zoobie]

She is mainly peeved because it happens all the time when they see her, whereas before she was married, they never came up to her gleefully and said 'Hi, Miss MaidenName', they'd use her first name only. I guess it's because they think being newly married, that she'd be thrilled to hear the title Mrs, and naturally they'd use Husband's Name to go with it. She'd prefer they'd still say 'Hi, Lucy' as they always used to. I think after the initial newness has worn off they'll go back to using her first name upon greeting.

I think they're just commenting excitedly on her recent marriage, which presumably was an important event. Soon it will be replaced by another exciting event and they'll drop the silly title. :)

 

I did change my name, but it was a difficult decision at the time. Now, after nearly half of my life being married, it's a non-issue. My best friend did not change hers and lives in a liberal area. She informally uses and answers to Mrs. HusbandAndKidsLastName now. As in, if she writes a note to the teacher, she just signs their name. She said it's easier and everyone involved has better things upon which to expend energy. Her child's teacher doesn't need another thing to keep track of and doesn't mean offense by knowing only the child's last name.

[Tsuga]

I love my name. I understand taking a husband's name in submissive relationships, such as when the man is truly the head of the family. It's not for me but I get it. The woman becomes a part of him, but he doesn't become a part of her, because he's the head.

 

If the marriage is a union of both as equals, I don't get it. I know a couple of women who regret it. I am thrilled, given the fact that he left me, that in my ex-husband's culture you don't change your name. (So, that is to say I probably would have changed my name for him but they don't do that so I was off the hook.)

 

My step-kids' mom has had three last names now and it sounds like a nightmare.

 

My children have a last name based on their father's last name but different, for the new family, new culture. I wish I would have put some of my last name in there as well but oh, well. I got to choose the form of the last name.

 

I will say that nobody has EVER asked about the kids having a different last name, and when they do, the explanation is simple--we left the old colonial form of the name behind and the kids got a new name for a new family in a new country.

 

But then, I'm not one for papers and symbols and bureaucracy. To me, what makes a relationship and a family is love and commitment, NOT my name. I'll always be me.

 

Oh, and also--my last name is rare and was another name made up for the United States. So I want to honor that. If I do something with this name, it will be with this name to honor the family who raised me, not my partner or ex-husband.

 

And re: the teacher keeping track of things: Well, I'm pretty sure they aren't worried about my name. I can see from the class lists that about 30% of the children are from homes where there is a step-parent; about 50% of the women have a different last name to the man.

 

The teacher is just going to have to deal with the fact that women aren't all changing their names and social security cards to make it easier, which I think she seems okay with, given that she has about 75 parents on her mailing list any given year. She might not even know my first name. :)

[Ellie]

Haven't got much time tonight, and I hardly even have a question about it, but I thought I'd bring up this topic for discussion, as my newly married daughter and I were talking about it today.  

 

She hasn't taken her husband's name, but possibly will in the future (maybe when kids arrive).  Her reasons for keeping her own name are vague, but mostly to do with a slight rebellion of the IDEA of male authority (her dh is not at all like that, though, but her dad has a fairly patriarchal mindset, which we are all pushing against), and a fear of loss of personal identity.  She doesn't have a very strong bias against it though, hence her openness to changing at some point in the future.  She also wouldn't care if they got a letter addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband'sName.  It's not a big deal to her really.  She has told grandma, aunty etc, but not really broadcast the matter in general.

 

To be honest, I was a bit surprised that she decided to keep her name, but it doesn't concern me at all, and now that I'm used to the idea I think it's pretty cool that she's progressive enough to follow through with it.  Her Dh was also a little surprised when she mentioned it to him, but when she posed it to him and asked if he'd not have any qualms about foregoing his name and changing to hers.  He admitted it would be quite a big ask, and something he'd not do so easily, so now completely understands her reasoning, and isn't concerned.  

 

We come from a fairly conservative church, though, where most members wouldn't even comprehend why a woman would do that.  They wouldn't condemn anyone that did, thank goodness, but they'd be a little bemused with the idea.  As mentioned, she hasn't really told anyone, because she's not making a big deal about it, but she gets a little peeved when, in our small town, church members bump into her in the street and delight in saying 'Hi, Mrs HusbandsName'.  She kind of wonders why they would say it, and assumes they think she'd be thrilled to hear herself called Mrs…, but doesn't understand why they'd think anyone would be thrilled to change their name and hear it mentioned very frequently.  Obviously, to be fair to the lovely older church ladies, they don't know that she has kept her name, and she doesn't correct them, as she can't be bothered with the explanations.

 

Even among the younger married in our church culture, I'm not sure that this is really done very often, but my dd doesn't really know too many others close by that she can chat to about it.  The ones close by have taken their dh's name.  

 

In my own experience, I was happy to take my dh's name because I didn't like my foreign sounding maiden name, and was sick of it being mispronounced, commented on, etc.

 

So….any discussions or viewpoints welcome. 

Do you have your husbands name?  Do your married dd's?  Friends?  How common is it?  Less among Christians?  Oh, and something that we really were wondering together is how would you formally address a married lady keeping her own name…Miss Lucy Lastname, Mrs Lucy Lastname, Ms…?  Or is Mrs reserved only to be used if you've taken your husband's surname?  

 

Of course I did. It is the custom in this country. I don't care what its possible roots may have been several hundred years ago.

 

"Mrs." is properly only used with the husband's name, as in "Mrs. Orkie Burbaster." Otherwise, a woman may be Miss Alice Smith or Ms. Alice Smith. I vote for Ms., because it is completely unrelated to marital status.

 

My marrieds dds went with hyphenated last names. However, when I send letters or packages to them as couples, I write Mr. & Mrs. Husbandsfirstname/lastname, because anything else is awkward and confusing.

 

[elegantlion]

I changed my name when I got married. At the time, I knew very few people who did not, maybe one. It's a pain to change everything. When I got divorced, I toyed with not bothering changing it back to my maiden. I am so glad I did. I have no brothers so my family name will die with my line. I have one son, who is named after his dad's side of the family, so no child to carry it on. 

 

I hope to publish writings and will be glad to have my maiden name on those. The process was a pain  and I still have one or two things to deal with my married name. 

 

While I don't plan of remarrying, if the great below freezes and I do, I will not change my name again. 

[Garga]

I already posted above that my dh and I considered changing both our names when we got married. I really wish we had. Sooo wishing I could go back in time. I'd have insisted on it.