Attitudes towards big families

[rose]

Another thread got me thinking about something. What does the average person on the street think about big families? Do they assume big families are likely to be abusing their children? I know that people think that big families are crazy and that they would never want that for themselves or be able to handle it well but does the average person assume that no one can handle a big family well? What assumptions do you tend to make when you see a big family in public that you know nothing about?

[Sneezyone]

I don't assume anything negative but I am often curious about the convictions that lead to a large family. I'm much more likely to turn my thoughts inward, mentally make the sign of the cross, and thank God it's them and not me.

[Seasider]

Well, I think right off there are varying perspectives on what constitutes a "big" family. I remember going to the grocery with three kids in tow and having the cashier comment, "Are they ALL yours?!!"

 

On the other hand, we visited a family integrated church for a while and were dismissed pretty quickly by some folks because we had ONLY four kids.

[gardenmom5]

I've had comments from strangers on the street, clerks in the store, etc.  since I was pg with my third.  usually insults that I must have been a single mom was on benefits (because married women don't have more than one or two.), , lectures on overpopulation (from a gas station attendant.).  I was hospitalized with pneumonia with dudeling.  I had DOCTORS at the hospital who treated me as though there was something wrong with me for being pg with my fifth.

 

my peds nurse started giving me "instructions" on how to wean #4. I admit playing dumb probably wasn't the most successful tactic, so I switched and told her flat out - he was my fourth, and I knew how to wean a baby. "they're yours?  they aren't adopted?"  she thought the older kids were step-kids.

[LucyStoner]

I don't think anything about it. I also don't necessarily assume that it's all one family. I get large family comments sometimes when I have 6 kids with me but four are my nieces and nephews. So you never know.

[gardenmom5]

I don't assume anything negative but I am often curious about the convictions that lead to a large family. I'm much more likely to turn my thoughts inward, mentally make the sign of the cross, and thank God it's them and not me.

 

I've had people say that to me too.  I've flat out told them -"I'm glad it's me and not you too".

[Peaceful Isle]

I think.. I wish I could have more kids.

[gardenmom5]

people really should consider the attitude they send to the children in whose presence they make such comments.  it can be amazing how many people make such stupid comments.

 

I was a "third" and there were MANY societal messages growing up that the "ideal" family size was two - specifically, one boy and one girl.  it reinforced any feelings I had as a child of being an unwanted accident.  my brother-in-law had something similar.  he had very different coloring from the rest of dh's family - and people would ask whose kid he was because he must not actually have been part of their family.  (he looked just like mil, and had her father's coloring.)

 

 

eta: I really appreciated, and identified with, Orson Scott Card's quote from ender's game.  "the most noble title any child can have, is third".  (ender lived in a society that didn't permit more than two children without government approbation)

[Guest]

I've had people say that to me too. I've flat out told them -"I'm glad it's me and not you too".

Yeah, I have a hard time responding to that sentiment charitably, especially when my kids are in earshot. It can be quite hurtful.

 

Our family doesn't get comments for being big, so much as closely spaced with a bunch of littles. I imagine in ten years if we have no more it won't be much to note, but the traveling circus affect of a bunch of small bodies in a parking lot draws comments.

 

Obviously I tend to think favorably on larger families :)

[Guest]

people really should consider the attitude they send to the children in whose presence they make such comments. it can be amazing how many people make such stupid comments.

 

I was a "third" and there were MANY societal messages growing up that the "ideal" family size was two - specifically, one boy and one girl. it reinforced any feelings I had as a child of being an unwanted accident. my brother-in-law had something similar. he had very different coloring from the rest of dh's family - and people would ask whose kid he was because he must not actually have been part of their family. (he looked just like mil, and had her father's coloring.)

Bingo.

 

If someone doesn't have anything nice to say, stuff it. That goes for small families, too. Compliments or silence, people!

[rose]

When I get comments about our family size I usually just say something like, "Oh, I like children" or "I like my children" depending on the comment. 

 

Lately I've been feeling a little paranoid, like people think that I must abuse my children because it would be impossible not to. I was wondering if you thought that my fears my have grounds. 

[AimeeM]

I think nothing of the sort.

I'm not trying to make generalization because, hey, I'm Catholic, but I'll note that I belong to a couple of Catholic homeschool co-ops and if you have under 5 kids, you have a "small family" - most of the families have 5+ kids (with more than a few having 7 or 8). 

They are all wonderful people and seem to be great parents - just as wonderful as me with my 3 kids :)

 

ETA: I'll admit that I feel some envy when I see larger families. I'm only 30 and can't have any more children, although I would love a couple more. 

[happi duck]

I think.. I wish I could have more kids.

Me too...

(hugs)

[LucyStoner]

Because one of my nieces is a mini me of me (my brother and I have a VERY strong family resemblance) and one of my nieces is exactly the same size as my younger son so they are presumed twins wherever I take them, I understand why people would just assume they were all mine. I also have a niece and nephew who are black and Puerto Rican (one of my brothers is black and their mom is PR) and bluntly the rude comments are never about people assuming we have 4-6 kids, but little and not so little things that tiptoe around or plough right through race. It's a sad testament to how confused people are about mixed race families. It's 2015. This is not all that hard to understand. And it's rude to demand strangers tell you if your kids are adopted. I use this as a frame of reference to teach my sons to try to avoid assumptions.

[Maela]

I have no problem with big families.  But I do think to myself (not out loud), I'm SO glad I don't have that many.  Because honestly, for me, two is pushing it.  

 

 

 

And I like kids.  And I LOVE my kids.  I just couldn't handle having more than my two 24/7.

[happi duck]

Before homeschooling I wouldn't have thought twice about family size. I knew families of all sizes. No big deal just families of different sizes.

 

Homeschooling introduced me to a subculture that proclaimed that more kids = more blessed and that the measure of an awesome mom was how many kids she had. Really, this was actively taught. Moms of many were considered and thus believed themselves better.

 

This attitude really hurt and now when I meet a large family I expect them to look down on me.

 

I fight against it because of course that isn't true of every large family. I wish I'd never been exposed to that subculture.

[gardenmom5]

Before homeschooling I wouldn't have thought twice about family size. I knew families of all sizes. No big deal just families of different sizes.

 

Homeschooling introduced me to a subculture that proclaimed that more kids = more blessed and that the measure of an awesome mom was how many kids she had. Really, this was actively taught. Moms of many were considered and thus believed themselves better.

 

This attitude really hurt and now when I meet a large family I expect them to look down on me.

 

I fight against it because of course that isn't true of every large family. I wish I'd never been exposed to that subculture.

 

if that's the subculture of which I have learned about on these boards - I think their reasoning for family size is just one of the things I would imagine people would be sorry to have been exposed to.

[LucyStoner]

Truthfully, even as a homeschooler I only know a handful of people with 4 or more under the age of 18 IRL right now.  I definitely think homeschooling is a somewhat unique demographic in this respect.  We'd like to have 3-4 but it seems more than likely than not that we will have 3 max.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wouldn't think anything, I don't think.  I've seen a couple of families in town that are around 5 kids but I've never seen more than that here, though I have known some families with more.  I guess I would think, if I thought anything is "Oh, they have _______ (number) kids."  That's it.  No assumptions about their homelife or anything because . . . why?  ETA - if they were all wearing prairie dresses or something like that I might think "I wonder if they homeschool" simply because I do not know of anyone outside of homeschool circles who wear that style of clothing.  (Not that most homeschoolers around here wear prairie dresses.)

[Laura Corin]

I tend to think:

 

- rather them than me

- I hope they have the financial resources, or did when they decided to have so many

 

I don't make any kind of comment out loud.

 

L

[BooksandBoys]

I make no judgements about large families, although I would love to have coffee with the parents and learn the tricks of the (raising them) trade. I can use all the help I can get!

 

I get comments Every.Single.Time I take my children into public, and I only have three. People seem flabbergasted that one can have three biological boys.

[HSmomof2]

I think large families are great and always wanted to be part of one or have one of my own. I grew up with 1 sister and wished I had more siblings. Dh and I have 2 beautiful dc that we were blessed with after years of infertility. I would have liked at least 2 more, but at our ages now, I'm happy with our family. But, no, I don't have any negative feelings about large families.

[KungFuPanda]

I don't really think of a family as Large until they get past 5 kids. 5 might be more than average, but not really unusual to me. I don't really know enough people IRL, in my generation that have 6 or more, so I can't really form a generalization. If I see a woman at the store with six children, I don't just assume they're all hers and I certainly don't question her. My parents are from very large families, so it's common to me to have a ton of cousins and go on outings with them even if your immediate family only has 3 or 4 kids. I think it's very strange for a family with three kids to claim Large Family status. I've never understood that one.

[abba12]

I've also never understood calling a family with three children 'large', though with three little girls running about we certainly get attention as one. Having been one of 5 and DH one of 8, we don't even consider a family large until it has 5 kids. 

 

Where I live there is a large divide in opinions about large families because we live near an area where there are a LOT of women with 5+ kids, each to different fathers. My best friend growing up was the eldest of 6, to 4 fathers. The thing is, even in that situation, his mother was a wonderful lady who adored children and the kids are all well adjusted, she just had awful taste in men! I've met the mothers of many who abuse their kids, they are certainly out there. I understand why there is a bad view in some areas. But for most large families it is undeserved. And that is where the divide comes in, since most people here know at least one large family, we have the ones who know the 'bad' families, and the ones who know the 'good' families, and each have very different and passionate opinions. 

 

As for me, with my 'large' family of 3 (and hopefully more)? I had to get over the opinions when I was a pregnant (married) 18 year old. I was considered a teen mother, the hospital directed me to the teen mother support groups and playgroups (I went once or twice but, obviously, was in a very different situation to the single girls trying to juggle study and a baby). People were quick to judge, the standard playgroup mothers outcast me because I wasn't old enough to have the experience to properly care for a baby, so I must be abusing and neglecting it (they were the mummy-wars kind of women, a big part of the issue was my physical inability to breastfeed, in their minds using formula proved I didn't really care about my baby). People in the store can be downright rude, and I am sure people at church were assuming I married my husband because I got pregnant (we actually married around 16 months before she was born, she was completely planned). 

 

So, the point is, people will find a way to judge or assume the worst of people no matter what. Young mothers, old mothers, mothers of large families and mothers of 'only' children, we all get it somehow. The only ones who don't are the 30-somethings with two kids. Try not to let others opinions bother you, they don't matter. 

 

[Sneezyone]

I have no problem with big families. But I do think to myself (not out loud), I'm SO glad I don't have that many. Because honestly, for me, two is pushing it.

 

 

 

And I like kids. And I LOVE my kids. I just couldn't handle having more than my two 24/7.

I've never said anything like this either, sheesh, but I most definitely share the sentiment. We couldn't provide for more the way we'd like to.

[Sneezyone]

I've had people say that to me too. I've flat out told them -"I'm glad it's me and not you too".

Did the words 'thoughts', 'inward' and 'mentally' indicate something other than silence?

[Carrie12345]

I sometimes get uncomfortable when people realize I have 5 kids and assume, due to the fact that I'm still alive and relatively functional, that I must be an amazing parent. I'm a perfectly average parent and terrible housekeeper with fantastic fertility.That's all.

[Pawz4me]

I tend to think:

 

- rather them than me

- I hope they have the financial resources, or did when they decided to have so many

 

I don't make any kind of comment out loud.

 

L

 

:iagree:

 

[MEmama]

Other than the handful of Mormon families I knew growing up, I don't know anyone with more than 4 kids and I can't honestly say I ever see more than that when I'm out and about. 4 is definitely considered a large family here, probably even 3. I wouldn't make personal assumptions based on family size, though I might wonder why. It goes both ways of course; people with more than one certainly wonder why we stopped there. To each their own. Thankfully we live in an area where it's unlikely to be challenged on personal decisions. I'm always surprised by the stories on here about rude people can be.

[PrairieSong]

Before homeschooling I wouldn't have thought twice about family size. I knew families of all sizes. No big deal just families of different sizes.

 

Homeschooling introduced me to a subculture that proclaimed that more kids = more blessed and that the measure of an awesome mom was how many kids she had. Really, this was actively taught. Moms of many were considered and thus believed themselves better.

 

This attitude really hurt and now when I meet a large family I expect them to look down on me.

 

I fight against it because of course that isn't true of every large family. I wish I'd never been exposed to that subculture.

I have encountered the "more children=more blessed" mind set, too.

 

We have seven. I don't think anything in particular about others' family size. I have had a few negative comments but more positive ones about our family size. An older lady at church who had an adopted child and then miraculously gave birth (she had medical issues which had made it highly unlikely that she would ever conceive) told me she would have LOVED to have had a big family but it wasn't possible for them. Her kids were quite a bit older than our oldest. She was always so sweet to me, congratulating me with each pregnancy and new baby, and asking interested, positive questions about homeschooling. I learned from her, long ago, that it's wrong to judge anyone's family size and that each child is a blessing whether the family has one child or ten. Eyes on your own plate.

 

So happiduck, no judgment from me whatever your family size.

[carriede]

I occasionally encounter larger families, and this is literally what I think: oh my that's a lot of people!

 

I usually smile at the parent, mostly because I try to with any family with more than 3 kids (and those with less too). And I continue without saying anything.

 

I'm too busy with my own 3 to think too long on it. :)

[oneangelwaiting]

I sometimes get uncomfortable when people realize I have 5 kids and assume, due to the fact that I'm still alive and relatively functional, that I must be an amazing parent. I'm a perfectly average parent and terrible housekeeper with fantastic fertility.That's all.

I don't have fantastic fertility, but people do assume I have it all together because I have 6 children and homeschool the younger ones. I can't stand it because it's simply not true.

 

I think I don't get as many comments because 4 of my children are very obviously not mine so perhaps people assume they aren't mine at all. I am also pretty young (32) and look younger than that or so I'm told.

 

As for me, I don't think much of anything when I see other large families. I generally give them a smile and I want to give the parent(s) a high five and tell them they're doing a great job but I don't because I'm shy and also because that might be strange.

[Bambam]

I only have two. Our choice. When I see families with many kids, that is their choice. When I see bigger families, though, I do wonder how the dynamics work. I would like to be the fly on the wall for a week just to see how life works with more children, because I have trouble imagining it.  

 

That said, however, one large family is really starting to bother me. The mom is very dismissive of those of us who have smaller families. After all, I *only* have two kids, I can't really know what it is like to homeschool my kids. If she hears anyone saying they are stressed, she immediately advises them to have more children. If they say they are having trouble feeling comfortable in their house because they can't keep it clean enough and they have OCD tendencies, she immediately tells them to have more children, then there will be no way you can keep it clean, so you don't have to worry about it anymore. I could go on, but you get the idea. More kids = solution to every life problem. 

 

I don't understand why she thinks it is acceptable to be so rude to those of us who do not have more children. 

 

We have all generally let it slide because it is obvious she is super stressed by her kids and struggling. I don't suggest she have more children when she complains about being stressed, but I'm seriously considering it next time. 

[I talk to the trees]

 

Homeschooling introduced me to a subculture that proclaimed that more kids = more blessed and that the measure of an awesome mom was how many kids she had. Really, this was actively taught. Moms of many were considered and thus believed themselves better.

 

This attitude really hurt and now when I meet a large family I expect them to look down on me.

 

I fight against it because of course that isn't true of every large family. I wish I'd never been exposed to that subculture.

Yes, this exactly!

[JFSinIL]

The only big families I personally know have been very loving, kind people whose kids have turned out equally kind and loving and assets to the community.  Both Catholic and what we call "uber-Christian",  Creationist etc, but not as extreme as the families that end up on tv.     I think the Duggars are an aberration and not truly representative of most large families.

 

My hubby is one of six kids - but his was a small family compared to his friends, which were around 12 kids or so (all Catholic). 

 

We have four, but then got started late (32 when had the twins, almost 37 when last dd arrived) and one of the twins has autism so 4 was all we could handle.  I did want an even number, as growing up in a family of three there was always an odd man out.

[SparrowsNest]

Sometimes I see a large family, start counting the kids, think "wow, that's a lot of kids"... then realize I have more or the same number of kids. (LOL)

 

This happens to me too!   It's like I momentarily forget that's MY LIFE! Ha!  

 

I have a large family by any measure.  The worst of the judgey looks and unhelpful comments were when we had, say, 4 and I was visibly pregnant with #5, or 5 and I was visibly pregnant with #6, i.e., when they are all pretty little and it's clear you're not done. People have almost an obsession to know when you're done.  But then at a certain point they get old enough that you don't really travel around with all of them very often, so now I may run an errand with 2 or 3 kids with me, and of course no one notices or cares.  I kind of laugh inside if I have my 2 littlest (boys) with me and someone says, "Oh I bet those boys keep you busy." :)  

 

Mostly, when I see a large family (after I remember that I have one, too :) ) I feel empathy for the Mom, because I know it can be so very difficult at certain points, and I do hope that they have a strong marriage, good support system, and financial security, because that will make the long-haul much easier (not just for a large family, of course, but it's like the stresses are multiplied with more kids).  

 

But in terms of what others think about me, the most difficult thing for me is that I feel like our family HAS to be perfect to justify our family's size.  I think if one of my children is publicly misbehaving, it says, "they can't handle their kids, they shouldn't've had so many" or "they aren't parenting well because of the size of their family."  Everything our family does is chalked up to our family's size.  My baby talks early?  Well, look how many people the baby hears talking.  My baby talks late? Well, no one probably talks to the baby because who has time?  We forget to bring something to co-op?  Well, there's so much to remember with THAT many kids, what do you expect?  We get somewhere early and with everything prepped?  Well, with that many kids, you've got to be organized.  It's just like family size is THE defining factor of our public persona.  But, I guess that's just to be expected.  

 

FWIW, I've never run into any culture that views my family as more blessed.  

[momacacia]

I married into a fairly normal large family. Yes, DH's parents are uber-conservative Christians and MIL smacks of fundamentalism, but somehow DH and the kids came out fairly normal. The funny thing is I've never said a thing about big families to MIL or "oh I'd never want that many." She has no clue how many DH and I have discussed having. But, I have overheard her talking about people from small families (I'm an only) being more selfish (not speaking of me directly) when she didn't realize I was in earshot in the other room (lol). As though selfishness is a small family condition and not a not a human condition. I can use my parents not having more kids as my excuse now! ;)

 

When I'm out in public I usually don't see a lot of large families. I do worry about one mom friend who heads up a large family as far as her health and stress, but mostly I wonder how people do it. Then I think of mil and realize they've likely never experienced PPD, adrenal fatigue and any other health issues as I have after having kids--so they're hearty German stock like her (which of course also isn't true ;)).

[gardenmom5]

I am sure people at church were assuming I married my husband because I got pregnant (we actually married around 16 months before she was born, she was completely planned). 

 

So, the point is, people will find a way to judge or assume the worst of people no matter what. Young mothers, old mothers, mothers of large families and mothers of 'only' children, we all get it somehow. The only ones who don't are the 30-somethings with two kids. Try not to let others opinions bother you, they don't matter. 

 

1dd was born nine months and four days after I got married.   It was my grandmother who dispensed the most "what will people think?" comments.  um - we had tEa on our honeymoon?   (by criticizing me, she was also deflecting the fact her favorite gd (my sister) was four months pg with her fourth pregnancy when she got married. - 1 miscarriage and two abortions. she miscarried that one the day after she got married. that made grandmother happy.) 

 

and you're right - negative judgmental people will always find something to be negative about. (even the 30-somethings with 'only' two kids.  they'll just work harder to find something.)  if it's not one thing, it's something else.   just like positive people will almost always find something to be positive about.

[DawnM]

Well, the bolded are two very different things.  I would say that none of us on this board is "average public."  

 

I would say the average person on the street doesn't approve and thinks that you must be on welfare (I am basing this on other message boards I am on and on the comments they make about the Duggars, the Bates, and families like them.")

 

I would say most on THIS board would assume you are either quiver full movement or just want a large family.  

 

Another thread got me thinking about something. What does the average person on the street think about big families? Do they assume big families are likely to be abusing their children? I know that people think that big families are crazy and that they would never want that for themselves or be able to handle it well but does the average person assume that no one can handle a big family well? What assumptions do you tend to make when you see a big family in public that you know nothing about?

 

[gardenmom5]

Did the words 'thoughts', 'inward' and 'mentally' indicate something other than silence?

 

did the words - people said that to me - indicate something other than silence?

 

a lot of communication is non-verbal too.  at least that's what people will frequently say over and over on message boards. 

[sparrow]

Honestly? My first thought is wondering if they're Catholic. In our area, the majority of large families are Catholic. It's just a passing thought. Abuse is something that would never cross my mind.

 

I think people worry too much about what others are thinking. We adopted internationally, so people make loads of assumptions about the how and why and logistics. It's not my job to correct these assumptions. In the long run, it just doesn't matter and I couldn't care less what the woman behind me in the check out line is assuming.

[rose]

I would say the average person on the street doesn't approve and thinks that you must be on welfare (I am basing this on other message boards I am on and on the comments they make about the Duggars, the Bates, and families like them.")

This is what scares me. I have a few friends with big families (8 or 9 dc each) and they have kind-of given up on looking clean and tidy when they're out in public. I feel pressure to put on a good public face. I feel somewhat conflicted about this because I don't like the idea of "putting on a face" but I get concerned about how people will judge me and the implications that will have on our family if I don't.

[momto10blessings]

Sometimes I see a large family, start counting the kids, think "wow, that's a lot of kids"... then realize I have more or the same number of kids. (LOL)

This! My son once saw kids getting out of a van and was shocked by how many kids there were in the family. He counted 8. We had 9 at the time. Lol.

[Crimson Wife]

Out here, the average person assumes it's a "his, hers, and theirs" situation since blended families are so common. Oldest DD looks just like me, DS looks just like DH only with red hair, and youngest DD looks like neither of us. So we get people assuming this a lot. Nope, they're all full-blood siblings thankyouverymuch.

[happypamama]

 

But in terms of what others think about me, the most difficult thing for me is that I feel like our family HAS to be perfect to justify our family's size. I think if one of my children is publicly misbehaving, it says, "they can't handle their kids, they shouldn't've had so many" or "they aren't parenting well because of the size of their family." Everything our family does is chalked up to our family's size. My baby talks early? Well, look how many people the baby hears talking. My baby talks late? Well, no one probably talks to the baby because who has time? We forget to bring something to co-op? Well, there's so much to remember with THAT many kids, what do you expect? We get somewhere early and with everything prepped? Well, with that many kids, you've got to be organized. It's just like family size is THE defining factor of our public persona. But, I guess that's just to be expected.

 

Yes, I understand that.

 

My family is moderately large, with five children, but I get a lot more comments about "four boys" than I do about "five children." I don't generally get asked if they're all mine, but maybe that's because all four boys look very much alike, and it's pretty obvious that they're all brothers. DD looks very much like me. Now, if DH took all the children out, HE might get asked that, because DD and I are brunettes, and the boys are all blond (runs on my side of the family), whereas DH is redheaded. (What people don't know at first glance is that DS3 looks like DH's cousins, and DS1 looks like DH did as a child and like my FIL.). But I think society is biased enough that if DH takes all five children out (not that I think he ever has had all five out), people will assume they're all his because what man takes someone else's kids out? Know what I mean? A mom might take her kids and a couple of friends, but a dad wouldn't, according to society.

 

We generally get positive comments. Sometimes the "hands full" but usually from men. Women generally smile, or chuckle sympathetically if the boys are being, well, boys. My little blue eyed blond babies are pretty, and my current baby is very outgoing, so he's likely to flirt and wave, and older women just eat that up, so I do get comments about my beautiful family.

 

When I see larger families than mine, especially with little girls, I'm wistful. I'd love more, especially if I could have another little girl. I have loved the last decade of having baby boys so much, but I miss little curly pigtails and sundresses. And I hope that mamas of more than five know how very blessed they are.

[AmandaVT]

If I'm being 100% honest, I feel a twinge of jealousy.  :sad: I had always wanted 3 (maybe 4) and we have 1. We tried for number 2 for almost 5 years.

[luuknam]

I'd think there was a high probability of them being religious fundamentalists, but I don't think it'd cross my mind to think they abuse their kids. I might wonder if the mom wanted that many kids or feels 'forced' to have that many (by her religion/husband/etc), but that's about it, and I probably wouldn't say anything.

 

When I was admitted to the hospital to have a c-section for my second child, during the list of questions I had to answer the nurse was like "and you also want to have your tubes tied, right?". I mean, those weren't the exact words used (I don't remember the exact words), but she was checking boxes on the computer and was just assuming that a 26yo having her second kid would of course be done. I was like, what the hell!? Why on earth would you make that assumption? I wasn't even planning on having a third kid (at the time I was leaning towards not having another), but I also knew that that wasn't the time to make a huge decision like that. I'm still leaning towards not having more, but I still think it was completely inappropriate to assume that a 26yo wants her tubes tied after kid #2. Grrr. It would've been so easy for me to have a hormonal moment where I was in pain (I was in labor) and had said "sure, tie them" and then regretted it later. Really, it would've been so easy to ask that question during any of the visits to the OB/GYN before my due date. And, to be clear, I didn't have any medical reasons making another pregnancy dangerous or anything, in which case I'd understand the assumption to tie it all up.

[mommymilkies]

Before homeschooling I wouldn't have thought twice about family size. I knew families of all sizes. No big deal just families of different sizes.

 

Homeschooling introduced me to a subculture that proclaimed that more kids = more blessed and that the measure of an awesome mom was how many kids she had. Really, this was actively taught. Moms of many were considered and thus believed themselves better.

 

This attitude really hurt and now when I meet a large family I expect them to look down on me.

 

I fight against it because of course that isn't true of every large family. I wish I'd never been exposed to that subculture.

I'm sorry. :( I personally don't know anyone like that but I DO know the subset you are talking about and I'm glad we aren't in the same circles.  No matter how many kids you think are best for YOUR family, it is never ever ever ok to tell someone else that your number is better. 

 

people really should consider the attitude they send to the children in whose presence they make such comments.  it can be amazing how many people make such stupid comments.

 

I was a "third" and there were MANY societal messages growing up that the "ideal" family size was two - specifically, one boy and one girl.  it reinforced any feelings I had as a child of being an unwanted accident.  my brother-in-law had something similar.  he had very different coloring from the rest of dh's family - and people would ask whose kid he was because he must not actually have been part of their family.  (he looked just like mil, and had her father's coloring.)

 

 

eta: I really appreciated, and identified with, Orson Scott Card's quote from ender's game.  "the most noble title any child can have, is third".  (ender lived in a society that didn't permit more than two children without government approbation)

:iagree: 100%!  Yes, people don't often think of what they say in front of kids.  We've had some truly horrible things said to or in front of my kids about only having one boy, or what a nightmare all these kids probably are.  It's rude, uncalled for, and a good indication I'll never even smile their direction again when we pass at the store. 

 

This is what scares me. I have a few friends with big families (8 or 9 dc each) and they have kind-of given up on looking clean and tidy when they're out in public. I feel pressure to put on a good public face. I feel somewhat conflicted about this because I don't like the idea of "putting on a face" but I get concerned about how people will judge me and the implications that will have on our family if I don't.

Well, you'd hate to see my kids! Or me. ;) We are usually clean, but they're kids.  If we're out in public it's usually because we were at the park doing fun things or had to run out to the store to get something while we're gardening.  I don't care one tiny bit what people think. I was not blessed with the powers of fashion or matching shoes, either. It seems to be genetic.   :lol:

 

Yes, I understand that.

 

My family is moderately large, with five children, but I get a lot more comments about "four boys" than I do about "five children." 

Yup.  5 kids here.  4 girls.  I get the comments about how much we surely wanted more boys than girls because "Boy howdy those teen girls will kill you!  They're awful!" said often *in front* of my teen girl who is pretty much an angel-said without sarcasm. Either way, it's uncalled for and it makes my girls feel bad and my son feel awkward.  

 

Here's the progression of attitudes I've personally seen towards "big" (relative) families:

 

2 kids-"You're done!  Girl and boy.  Thank goodness you're not having more!"

3 kids-"Well now you're outnumbered.  Do you know what causes that?!"

4 kids- (during my long hair long skirt hippie days) "Are you Pentecostal?  Pentecostals have a lot of kids.  Can you afford them all?  Are they all yours?"

5 kids- "Are you Catholic? What are you doing about college?  Can you really afford them? Aren't you sad you only have one boy and all those girls? When is the next due?" Thanks, I'm just chubby.  :lol:

 

Over the years I've gotten more sarcastic over my answers but the only time I was probably rude was on a very emotional day for me a lady confronted me in line at BK and was very rude.  I didn't say anything, just gave the "very angry mother look" until her friends apologized for her.  Luckily my neighborhood is mostly Catholic and they are all extremely nice and not nosy about my procreation. We won't even discuss what the in-laws thought about our choosing to have more than one child. 

 

I was raised in an Appalachian family where everyone has a billion kids with a Jewish step-family that also has a billion kids, so big families are totally normal to me.  But it's none of my business what other people have and I've had enough friends with infertility and losses to never ever ever make a statement on how many kids someone has unless they ask how hard I have it and I tell them "Meh.  It's really not worse than having three."  Going to five was difficult mostly because of the age span I had. 

 

When I see other big families I think "Wow.  I wish I could have more.  Look how adorable they are." And I want to tell the mom good job and hug her.  Of course the last part is what I feel for any mom out with kid(s).  Don't worry, I'm not a hugger.  I won't actually do it.  

[J-rap]

I don't think anything of big families, but I have seen it happen.  There is one large homeschooling family in our community that mostly sticks to themselves, and they happen to have all girls.  (Nine girls)  They make all their own clothes, always wear dresses, etc.  But, they would sometimes attend our homeschool events, and they were a lot of fun and smart.  We ended up getting to know them quite well over the years.  Given that our community is small, people would see them around but really only get to know them if they were homeschoolers themselves.  From time to time, I'd hear people "wonder about what went on at that home, with the dad and all those girls..."  It was frustrating to me that sometimes people jumped to that conclusion.

 

As far as our own family, many people thought our last one must've been an accident!  I have no idea why people came to that conclusion.  (She wasn't!)

[Garga]

I think absolutely nothing of it. At all. In fact, I was sitting here trying to think whether I know anyone with a large family (to me large means 5 or more.)

 

I *think* I know a couple of people with large families, but the truth is that I'm so busy NOT thinking about their families that I'm really not sure how many they have.

 

There's a lady at karate that has all boys until her last child which was a girl. I *think* it was 5 boys and the girl makes 6. I tried very hard not to make it sound like she was sick of boys and glad to have a girl, but did ask her, "Well, will it be fun getting a different style of clothing or toys now?" I was hoping to celebrate the difference with her--the fun parts of a different gender--and not make it sound like she was glad to be done with having boys.

 

Oh wait! I think there are 2 other people in the homeschool co-op with 5 or more, but the kids sort of scatter whenever we get together and I'm not sure who goes with whom, so they might have only 4 kids or 7 kids for all I know.

 

I honestly don't think a single thing about large families, negative or positive. If I try really hard, I might start wondering about how their homes are laid out and what sorts of meals they cook and other practical things, just out of mild curiousity.

 

And I certainly do not think 4 or less is a large family. I suppose I think that 1 is a small family, 2, 3, and 4 are a family, and 5+ is a large family.