...

[kwg]

(I do not mind honesty but I am kinda emo lately so if in your response you could keep that in mind.)

 

 

Thank you!

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

It hasn't even been a year. That you would still be grieving and processing is totally normal.  It sounds like he could be a bit more understanding and empathetic. Grief has no time table.

 

 

 

 

My guess is, he has absolutely no clue what is normal or not in this kind of situation, nor does he have any clue how to respond. 

 

 

 

*ETA, a good grief counselor for both of you would be helpful.

[Rosie_0801]

Of course you don't like being parented by an emotionally detached spouse. No one does.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would not say that this is a healthy interaction.  There is no time limit on grief and your response is a normal grief response.  Especially since it was a sudden, horrible death.  Whenever there is another party at fault and the court system is involved, it can take even longer to deal with the grief effects - because the moving on takes so much longer.  Also, even when you are functioning mostly normally, it is also completely normal to trip over those potholes of grief.  When dealing with someone who is grieving, not acknowledging the grief doesn't make it go away any faster.  Acknowledging it does not keep it around longer.  It sounds like your husband is impatient that you are still feeling so raw.  

 

Gently, perhaps your husband is noticing that your grief is getting in the way of normal activities (or perhaps he thinks so.)  I am wondering if you would benefit talking to someone.  Having a court process is so much more stressful and it sounds like you could use some extra support.  Also, perhaps a few sessions with a marriage counselor could help you two communicate - help your husband understand your needs and how to support you.  

[Little Nyssa]

((Hugs))

[Carrie12345]

In my completely unprofessional opinion...

 

You are not expecting too much.

It is very much possible that he genuinely does not know the "right" way to respond.  Yes, even if you tell him.  Because, when you do, he's still attributing HIS OWN beliefs/feelings/preferences to the "right" way.  Yes, that points to a lack of empathy to one degree or another.

 

I truly think couples counseling could help.

For the record, I'm a counseling wh@r3. I've seen it do miracles for people who want to make miracles happen.

[Catwoman]

I don't have any advice for you, except to say that I think your dh is being insensitive.

 

I am so very sorry about your father. :crying:

[AlmiraGulch]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  

 

You are allowed to grieve.  It hasn't even been a year.  Be patient and kind with yourself.  

 

As for your husband, it does sound a bit insensitive to me, and I would have been upset, too.  In a somewhat similar story, I have been much more sensitive and emotional and, unlike what you've described here, very bitchy and quick to anger toward my husband lately.  I know it.  I see it.  I just feel like he lacks an empathy gene or something sometimes.  That said, I know that he's a good man, and he loves me, and his intent is not to anger or upset me.  So I'm trying very hard to look at what he does through those filters instead of the "what the hell is wrong with him, and why does he just continue to say stupid shit" filter that seems to be so prevalent lately.  

 

It's hard.  I understand.  Hang in there, and take care of yourself.  

[kwg]

I just thought that I should prob say I have been depressed and really anxious. SO he does  have cause to be worried. When he said " how can I tell you I am worried without you taking it so personally?" because I started in on "look I am doing the best I can" I told him he could tell me what he would like me to do specifically. He keeps saying he is worried but what does he want me to DO with that?  I mean...specifically how can I ...change?

[MomatHWTK]

My DH has no idea how to respond to the current trauma I am going through with regard to a parent.  I tell him he's no empathetic and he literally has no idea what he can say to do the right thing.  There's no way the other person can know what it is you want to hear and when you are already on edge, you are likely to respond badly to his efforts.  I would highly recommend you seeing someone to help you work through your feelings.  I have found it very hard to know what is normal also and having a neutral third party to help me sift through my feelings is very helpful.  DH just isn't qualified to deal with something so big and unexpected.  If you don't know what is normal, neither does he.  I would try my very best not to impute detachment or other negative characterizations to his behavior.  KWIM? 

 

The other thing that has helped was when I finally figured out what was going on with my parent, I research how adult children "normally" respond to the situation.  I could look at how others in the same situation were handling things and even share with DH how a spouse could be appropriately responsive.  Bear in mind also, even though it is your parent that was lost, your DH may have an awful lot that he is processing too.  There are issues of safety, loss, etc. that he may not bring to you because he doesn't want to burden you or doesn't want to be misunderstood for processing it differently.   

 

Finally, my DH tells me that he is a fixer and is basically paralyzed by my situation (with my parent) because there is no way he can fix it.  :grouphug:

[Joker]

The year after my dad was killed in a car accident was the worst year of my marriage. It's been 15 years since the accident and things are great now but it was bad then. Dh has often said that since we didn't divorce that year, that nothing can tear us apart. We went to counseling and it was dh who had to push it. He thought I was having more trouble than I should (he was right in my case and I needed medication for depression for several months) and he pushed hard for me to go.

 

Dh also had trouble knowing what to say or how to react. He meant well but often it came out wrong and he was also worried about me. I would suggest counseling to him and give it a try.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

 

ETA: Our counseling wasn't just marriage counseling. I saw the therapist often on my own for my grief and to get help with dealing with the accident, but he also saw both of us to help us work on it all together.

[kwg]

It hasn't even been a year. That you would still be grieving and processing is totally normal.  It sounds like he could be a bit more understanding and empathetic. Grief has no time table.

 

 

 

 

My guess is, he has absolutely no clue what is normal or not in this kind of situation, nor does he have any clue how to respond. 

 

 

 

*ETA, a good grief counselor for both of you would be helpful.

 

Thank you. 

Of course you don't like being parented by an emotionally detached spouse. No one does.

 

That is how I feel! Jesus. And we have been married for 18 years?

I would not say that this is a healthy interaction.  There is no time limit on grief and your response is a normal grief response.  Especially since it was a sudden, horrible death.  Whenever there is another party at fault and the court system is involved, it can take even longer to deal with the grief effects - because the moving on takes so much longer.  Also, even when you are functioning mostly normally, it is also completely normal to trip over those potholes of grief.  When dealing with someone who is grieving, not acknowledging the grief doesn't make it go away any faster.  Acknowledging it does not keep it around longer.  It sounds like your husband is impatient that you are still feeling so raw.  

 

Gently, perhaps your husband is noticing that your grief is getting in the way of normal activities (or perhaps he thinks so.)  I am wondering if you would benefit talking to someone.  Having a court process is so much more stressful and it sounds like you could use some extra support.  Also, perhaps a few sessions with a marriage counselor could help you two communicate - help your husband understand your needs and how to support you.  

 

I think he does want me to see someone. He has hinted at it  a few times. I am thinking about it. I tried a couple times but it just did not feel all the helpful.  We have not tried the marriage counselor though.

 

((Hugs))

Thank you <3

[AmandaVT]

I just thought that I should prob say I have been depressed and really anxious. SO he does  have cause to be worried. When he said " how can I tell you I am worried without you taking it so personally?" because I started in on "look I am doing the best I can" I told him he could tell me what he would like me to do specifically. He keeps saying he is worried but what does he want me to DO with that?  I mean...specifically how can I ...change?

 

I think it sounds as if he was being very insensitive to your grief and, it's only been 6 months! :-(

 

Have you been to see a grief counselor yet? My mom really struggled when she lost her sister a few years ago and was having an increasingly hard time sleeping, socializing, her anxiety was getting higher, she was having a hard time not snapping at people, etc. Her husband struggled with dealing with it. Lots of times men want to "fix" things and when they can't, they get frustrated. He would get frustrated with her regularly, but in reality, he was frustrated with his lack of ability to make it better for her. Things slowly, but steadily started improving when she started seeing a counselor. 

[bolt.]

OK -- your reaction was perfectly normal.

 

But so was his.

 

Because people are different.

 

Person A thinks: Sad + Happy = Normal

 

Person B thinks: Sad + Sympathy + Time = Normal

 

When Person A and Person B try to help each other with their "Sad" they BOTH follow the golden rule: do to the sad person what I would like someone to do to me when I'm sad.

 

Person A *likes* to be encouraged to look on the bright side, so that's the service person A provides to all of his/her loved ones whenever the loved ones experience "Sad" -- just add "Happy" (and expect "Normal" -- shortly)

 

Person B *likes* sympathy, so that's the service that Person B provides to all of his/her loved ones whenever the loved ones experience "Sad." Person B is confident that the "Sad" of their loved one will ebb and flow and eventually "Normal" will occur more and more often, until "Normal" is normal again.

 

So, you see, Persons A and B really don't like the ways of helping that each other provides. Person B finds 'cheering up' invalidating, insulting and unkind. Person A finds sympathy pretty pointless, useless, and fruitless. Person A has no confidence that "Sad" will fade with sympathy. Person A genuinely believes that with no action "Sad" will remain the same or increase in severity and frequency. That (genuine) fear makes them irrationally stick to the strategy that makes sense to them, even when it's clearly not working. To them it's better to try harder at something that should work (but isn't) than to 'do nothing' (which couldn't possibly work).

 

For the record, psychological science tells us that Person B is right: in the absence of clinical depression, Sad + Sympathy + Time = Normal.

 

But unless you are planning on getting your hubby a brain transplant, you've got a Person A, and this isn't something you can change about him. He's always going to want to cheer up sad loved ones, and he's always going to think sympathy is pointless. He might be trainable (depends on him) but he isn't actually going to believe that he's doing the right thing -- it will always be 'doing what she wants me to.'

 

Since this is a terribly vulnerable time for you, and since he is defensive, argumentative and genuinely frightened of your grief (and probably very frightened of the possibility that you might become depressed in a serious way) you probably aren't going to be able to train him. I don't recommend this path.

 

Possible paths:

 

1. Take him to a respected professional who can drill into his head that he really needs to follow the concrete steps of empathy and sympathy whether he 'buys' them or not.

 

2. Stop trying to order a hamburger at a chicken stand. He's not able to provide the sympathy you are looking for. Trying to wring some appropreate sympathy out of him is far more exhausting and much less healthy than just saying, "I saw something that reminded me of Gpa,but I'm fine now. I'm going to read/rest/watch TV alone for a while." -- Then processing your own emotions the same way you would if no one was home: cry, pray, distract yourself, call a friend... whatever. What you need is not for sale at the hubby chicken stand. He can't serve what he doesn't have. Stop being an irrational customer repeatedly shouting for a hamburger. The best you will get is a chicken burger.

[Rockhopper]

Your story instantly reminded me of couples trying to make it through after a wartime deployment. You have changed. Everything has changed. Nothing is the same and there is no normal (yet). It is hard, it takes time, there is no part of it that is easy. In your case you have been through two of those "major life events" you see listed on charts about stressors: the loss of your dad, and a homicide. Your husband may be trying really hard, but even if  he could say the perfect things (and obviously he's not), you may not be in a position to receive them in the perfect way, you know?

 

If you can, give him lots of grace. If he can, he needs to give you lots of grace. And maybe at a neutral time, you two could establish some conversational ground rules on trigger topics, like using "I" phrases. It's simple and seems dorky but can really help defuse.

 

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss.  I agree grief has no time table, but also feel counseling can be a blessing in weathering the storm.  

[Aiden]

You've received very good advice from several previous posters, and I have nothing to add on that front. I just wanted to tell you that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope that justice is served soon and that you find the peace and comfort that you need.

[Guest]

I would not say that this is a healthy interaction. There is no time limit on grief and your response is a normal grief response. Especially since it was a sudden, horrible death. Whenever there is another party at fault and the court system is involved, it can take even longer to deal with the grief effects - because the moving on takes so much longer. Also, even when you are functioning mostly normally, it is also completely normal to trip over those potholes of grief. When dealing with someone who is grieving, not acknowledging the grief doesn't make it go away any faster. Acknowledging it does not keep it around longer. It sounds like your husband is impatient that you are still feeling so raw.

 

Gently, perhaps your husband is noticing that your grief is getting in the way of normal activities (or perhaps he thinks so.) I am wondering if you would benefit talking to someone. Having a court process is so much more stressful and it sounds like you could use some extra support. Also, perhaps a few sessions with a marriage counselor could help you two communicate - help your husband understand your needs and how to support you.

I'm thinking this is just clunky communication, I agree.

[kwg]

OK -- your reaction was perfectly normal.

 

But so was his.

 

Because people are different.

 

Person A thinks: Sad + Happy = Normal

 

Person B thinks: Sad + Sympathy + Time = Normal

 

When Person A and Person B try to help each other with their "Sad" they BOTH follow the golden rule: do to the sad person what I would like someone to do to me when I'm sad.

 

Person A *likes* to be encouraged to look on the bright side, so that's the service person A provides to all of his/her loved ones whenever the loved ones experience "Sad" -- just add "Happy" (and expect "Normal" -- shortly)

 

Person B *likes* sympathy, so that's the service that Person B provides to all of his/her loved ones whenever the loved ones experience "Sad." Person B is confident that the "Sad" of their loved one will ebb and flow and eventually "Normal" will occur more and more often, until "Normal" is normal again.

 

So, you see, Persons A and B really don't like the ways of helping that each other provides. Person B finds 'cheering up' invalidating, insulting and unkind. Person A finds sympathy pretty pointless, useless, and fruitless. Person A has no confidence that "Sad" will fade with sympathy. Person A genuinely believes that with no action "Sad" will remain the same or increase in severity and frequency. That (genuine) fear makes them irrationally stick to the strategy that makes sense to them, even when it's clearly not working. To them it's better to try harder at something that should work (but isn't) than to 'do nothing' (which couldn't possibly work).

 

For the record, psychological science tells us that Person B is right: in the absence of clinical depression, Sad + Sympathy + Time = Normal.

 

But unless you are planning on getting your hubby a brain transplant, you've got a Person A, and this isn't something you can change about him. He's always going to want to cheer up sad loved ones, and he's always going to think sympathy is pointless. He might be trainable (depends on him) but he isn't actually going to believe that he's doing the right thing -- it will always be 'doing what she wants me to.'

 

Since this is a terribly vulnerable time for you, and since he is defensive, argumentative and genuinely frightened of your grief (and probably very frightened of the possibility that you might become depressed in a serious way) you probably aren't going to be able to train him. I don't recommend this path.

 

Possible paths:

 

1. Take him to a respected professional who can drill into his head that he really needs to follow the concrete steps of empathy and sympathy whether he 'buys' them or not.

 

2. Stop trying to order a hamburger at a chicken stand. He's not able to provide the sympathy you are looking for. Trying to wring some appropreate sympathy out of him is far more exhausting and much less healthy than just saying, "I saw something that reminded me of Gpa,but I'm fine now. I'm going to read/rest/watch TV alone for a while." -- Then processing your own emotions the same way you would if no one was home: cry, pray, distract yourself, call a friend... whatever. What you need is not for sale at the hubby chicken stand. He can't serve what he doesn't have. Stop being an irrational customer repeatedly shouting for a hamburger. The best you will get is a chicken burger.

Thank you for spelling this out for me. This is how I feel! Like #2. I feel like a duh moment.

[SparrowsNest]

I am going to guess that your husband is scared of your grief and uncomfortable with it, and he probably is just desperate to see you not be in pain anymore. 

 

I'd have to imagine that a person who is scared and uncomfortable with grief isn't going to be able to give you the support you need right now.  I think the suggestion of a counselor is a good one.
 

I am so, so sorry about the loss of your Dad. 

[Catwoman]

I was just thinking about your situation a bit more, and I started thinking of earlier today when my ds and I were in a store picking out a Father's Day card for my dh. I picked up a card that turned out to be this really sweet sentiment thanking a dad for being such a wonderful grandfather, and I wished my dad was still alive so I could get him that card. I was standing there with tears in my eyes trying to think of anything else so I wouldn't cry... and my dad passed away several years ago. Things are always extra-tough around Father's Day, and this is the first one you are experiencing without your dad. Of course your emotions would be very raw!

 

So I think you need to give yourself a break. Aside from the sadness over your dad dying, there are probably a million other emotions going through your mind all the time because of the way he died. And then there is the stress of the upcoming trial on top of everything else.

 

Frankly, I think your dh should be happy that you are able to function as well as you are, and he needs to suck it up and deal with it if sometimes you are emotional or short-tempered. He is being selfish. You are being NORMAL.

 

Again, I am so sorry. :grouphug:

 

One thing I was wondering, though -- has your dh always been insensitive or is this a new thing? If it's new, maybe he has been more impacted by your father's death than he is letting on, and he feels like he has to be the strong one and help you get tough so you will feel better. I think his method is totally wrong, but I'm wondering if that might be part of what is going on in his mind and he actually means well in his heart.

[bibiche]

I'm sorry.  I cried every day for gosh, months and months after my dad died.  And while of course it was traumatic, I am thinking that your loss was much more so.  Everyone grieves differently and a lot of people really have no idea how to deal with someone who is grieving.  DH was my boyfriend at the time and he didn't let me know until much later how very difficult it was for him to watch me suffering when there wasn't a whole lot he could do.  And yeah, sometimes I was *not* pleasant to get along with at that time.  A lot of times I got angry with him because I was just lost and angry in general. 

 

If you are not seeing a therapist I think you should, it could really help you. It would also be beneficial for your husband to go and learn some strategies, because it appears he needs some.

 

Again, I am really sorry for you loss.

[kwg]

Yeah, he has always i took a part out in case it was mean had trouble when it comes to my emotions. It is interesting to me bc it feels like he is sensitive to our children, even his colleagues. But harsher with me.  Normally I think I can handle it but this feels so big, so overwhelming and I do not want to back down and say "ok you are right, I am over reacting. " 

 

 

He loves me. He is definitely terrified I think of crying and wants me to just feel better, he wants to fix it and us all to be happy. He also loved my dad but honestly seems 'over it', Not sure though if that is bc he is trying so hard to be positive. 

 

 

Thank you for what you said Cat. I was trying to get him a father's day present in Barnes and Noble before I ran into the grandfather. I tried but in the end just couldnt. And I am scared he is going to be annoyed with me. My inlaws got him a present last week.  I cried when I read your posts bc they touched me  :grouphug:  Thank you.

 

ETA- and i meant to add thank you Joker for letting me know things get better. We have not yet had this much trouble, even through miscarriages, moves, job loss, and just 18 years. So it is nice to know we might have another 15. (i took a sentence out)

[Heidi]

OK -- your reaction was perfectly normal.

 

But so was his.

 

Because people are different.

 

Person A thinks: Sad + Happy = Normal

 

Person B thinks: Sad + Sympathy + Time = Normal

 

When Person A and Person B try to help each other with their "Sad" they BOTH follow the golden rule: do to the sad person what I would like someone to do to me when I'm sad.

 

Person A *likes* to be encouraged to look on the bright side, so that's the service person A provides to all of his/her loved ones whenever the loved ones experience "Sad" -- just add "Happy" (and expect "Normal" -- shortly)

 

Person B *likes* sympathy, so that's the service that Person B provides to all of his/her loved ones whenever the loved ones experience "Sad." Person B is confident that the "Sad" of their loved one will ebb and flow and eventually "Normal" will occur more and more often, until "Normal" is normal again.

 

So, you see, Persons A and B really don't like the ways of helping that each other provides. Person B finds 'cheering up' invalidating, insulting and unkind. Person A finds sympathy pretty pointless, useless, and fruitless. Person A has no confidence that "Sad" will fade with sympathy. Person A genuinely believes that with no action "Sad" will remain the same or increase in severity and frequency. That (genuine) fear makes them irrationally stick to the strategy that makes sense to them, even when it's clearly not working. To them it's better to try harder at something that should work (but isn't) than to 'do nothing' (which couldn't possibly work).

 

For the record, psychological science tells us that Person B is right: in the absence of clinical depression, Sad + Sympathy + Time = Normal.

 

But unless you are planning on getting your hubby a brain transplant, you've got a Person A, and this isn't something you can change about him. He's always going to want to cheer up sad loved ones, and he's always going to think sympathy is pointless. He might be trainable (depends on him) but he isn't actually going to believe that he's doing the right thing -- it will always be 'doing what she wants me to.'

 

Since this is a terribly vulnerable time for you, and since he is defensive, argumentative and genuinely frightened of your grief (and probably very frightened of the possibility that you might become depressed in a serious way) you probably aren't going to be able to train him. I don't recommend this path.

 

Possible paths:

 

1. Take him to a respected professional who can drill into his head that he really needs to follow the concrete steps of empathy and sympathy whether he 'buys' them or not.

 

2. Stop trying to order a hamburger at a chicken stand. He's not able to provide the sympathy you are looking for. Trying to wring some appropreate sympathy out of him is far more exhausting and much less healthy than just saying, "I saw something that reminded me of Gpa,but I'm fine now. I'm going to read/rest/watch TV alone for a while." -- Then processing your own emotions the same way you would if no one was home: cry, pray, distract yourself, call a friend... whatever. What you need is not for sale at the hubby chicken stand. He can't serve what he doesn't have. Stop being an irrational customer repeatedly shouting for a hamburger. The best you will get is a chicken burger.

This is great advice!

 

ETA I am married to a man very like your husband OP. I can totally see us having this exact same exchange.

[happi duck]

(Hugs) and more (hugs)

[lmrich]

I am so sorry for your loss. Dh is not going to give you what you need. It does not mean he does not love you. He just wants to fix you. My dh has no idea how to deal with emotions. His family is sooooo laid back and seems to avoid emotions. You need to take care of you. Find someone else, a counselor or friend, who can give you what you need during your grief. Include your dh in your grief; just do not expect him to make you feel better. Again, so sorry for your tragedy. I pray for peace. 

[happypamama]

(((HUGS))). I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your DH is concerned about you but isn't expressing that in a way that conveys his concern effectively. I think talking to a grief or marriage counselor might help him articulate his concerns, and it might help to show him what you're feeling. I think this is such a huge event that nobody really knows what is normal and what is worrisome. I can't imagine the depths of the layers of emotions you're feeling, and I'm thinking that your DH may need someone to help him untangle those layers a bit.

[kwg]

This is great advice!

 

ETA I am married to a man very like your husband OP. I can totally see us having this exact same exchange.

 

 

Thank you. We have a unique history so it helps to hear there are others who would react the same!

[kwg]

I think he's being completely oblivious and I wonder if he's like this in other areas, not just with grieving.

 

I really don't understand this part of your post.

 

 

I don't get the part about validation.

 

This is what you wanted him to say? Yes Why would he talk about validation? Well I mentioned it first by saying I felt invalidated when he ignored my feelings.  What does he need to feel validated about? Sorry, but this really lost me. If all you had done at this point in the day was come home upset then I would think the only thing he'd need to say is, "I can see how that could be hard for you" after hearing why you were upset. Yes! This is what I wanted to hear.

 

Anyway, if this happened to me I think I would ask myself, "what kind of relationship does/did he have with his father? Should I ask him to put himself in my shoes? Would he even have an understanding if it had been his father?" If the answer is, "he's not close to his father/he would not be sad/etc. then that would help explain to me why he didn't get it. It wouldn't make it easy on me, but it might help explain his behavior.

 

I think you are right. He is not as close to his dad.  Plus it was not as sudden.  

 

It's like he needs a cheat sheet:

 

Wife is unhappy

Cheer her up

If it's not helpful then don't say it.

 

Edited: Ohh I think a second single quote mark might have been missing in that post? lol Probably. Did I explain it better?

 

[Garga]

I think he's being completely oblivious and I wonder if he's like this in other areas, not just with grieving.

 

I really don't understand this part of your post.

 

 

I don't get the part about validation.

 

This is what you wanted him to say? Why would he talk about validation? What does he need to feel validated about? Sorry, but this really lost me. If all you had done at this point in the day was come home upset then I would think the only thing he'd need to say is, "I can see how that could be hard for you" after hearing why you were upset.

 

Anyway, if this happened to me I think I would ask myself, "what kind of relationship does/did he have with his father? Should I ask him to put himself in my shoes? Would he even have an understanding if it had been his father?" If the answer is, "he's not close to his father/he would not be sad/etc. then that would help explain to me why he didn't get it. It wouldn't make it easy on me, but it might help explain his behavior.

 

It's like he needs a cheat sheet:

 

Wife is unhappy

Cheer her up

If it's not helpful then don't say it.

 

Edited: Ohh I think a second single quote mark might have been missing in that post?

Yes, a single quote was missing.

[goldberry]

Just wanted to add, there are good/bad counselors, and counselors who are perfectly fine but with whom you may not mesh with.  Don't give up if you didn't get a good one or didn't mesh with the one you found.  A good counselor can be a lifesaver, for a person and for a marriage.  (Married 29 years, blissfully happy after being this close to a divorce at 5 years...)

 

I agree your husband is only working with what he has, but that doesn't mean he can't be helped to grow also with this experience.

 

:grouphug:  I think your response is perfectly normal.

 

 

[Stacia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[SKL]

First, I'm sorry for your pain at this difficult time.

 

I think I understand your feelings.  But I think maybe your husband is getting mixed signals from you.  It seemed to me that you were of two minds about whether and how he should have tried to talk to you when you came home.  If there's been a recent history of him saying the "wrong thing" and unwittingly starting a fight, he may be thinking it's better to keep quiet when he's not sure what to say.

 

It isn't clear to me whether he knew you were crying because of grief vs. another emotion.  Do you ever cry happy tears?  Could he have mistakenly thought that was what they were?  (Personally I am much more likely to cry happy tears than sad ones, so that's why I ask.)

 

Maybe it would be better if you just told him what you are feeling up front instead of waiting for him to figure it out from your face etc.  Guys don't think like women and what seems obvious to us may not be obvious to them.

 

And also, it might be a good idea to have a sort of plan B when conversations start to feel out of control.  Maybe agree on a sentence that puts the conversation on hold due to emotional overload, without blaming anyone.

[Ausmumof3]

Has your husband ever lost a parent or someone close before?

[PrairieSong]

My husband wanted to "fix me" when I was going through a deep valley of grief years ago. He just wanted me to cheer up and be my usual self. Eventually he learned that there was no quick fix, that healing is gradual over a long period of time. It was rough though.

 

Your dh needs to learn that your emotions are YOURS and are not something for him to fix. Your sadness and tears over the grandfather and grandson sound completely normal. It has only been six months!! I agree with the others who said counseling would probably be helpful. I hope you can find a good one.

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father.

[Seasider]

(((kwg)))

 

My dad has been gone for 7 years and I still get teary eyed for things like you did today. Grief is not linear. It ebbs and flows. Please realize for yourself, even if your husband does not, that your feelings are completely normal.

[Tanaqui]

*hugs*

 

It's been barely half a year since your father died. Grieving can take a while. You're perfectly normal.

 

Grief counseling may be helpful for you. Even if it wasn't before, you might have better results with a different counselor.

 

Couples counseling, however, is more what I'd suggest, because your husband is really being a jerk. It's one thing to see you crying and think that cheering you up is the way to go. It's quite another, after you've told him you don't appreciate it, for him to insinuate that without him jollying you along, you'd just sit in a darkened room for the rest of your life and sob and never change your clothes. He doesn't need to understand your feelings to understand that picking fights with you over them is counterproductive.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

 So sorry for your loss.

 just a reminder that we are not meant to any spouse bashing and threads have disappeared on the past when people have asked for marriage advice

[kwg]

Well if it does disappear let it be known I was not meaning to bash the man. I love him!  Im surprised it sounds like I am. and sorry it comes across that way to some.

 

I needed help with seeing another side to it. Because I know he loves me and would not mean to hurt me so....?? sigh.  

 

But I didnt mean to break rules or anything. 

 

Just wanted to get that part in there before it gets poofed while I am still reading nad processing the other replies. 

 

Thank you!

[MotherGoose]

One thing I have found is that men want to fix things. Or people. He'd like to have the wife back he had before all this. He's sorry about what happened, and maybe he is afraid you'll just go into a hole of depression. What it sounds like you wanted was some empathy. Have you told him that: you want empathy from him, maybe a hug, that this is a problem that's not going to go away, that you felt really sad when you saw the grandpa and grandchildren because it's been taken from your kids? Sometimes men really need you to spell it all out for them. I'm not saying this in a disrespectful way towards men, just highlighting the difference between men and women.

[Tammyla]

I didn't read anything you posted as bashing.   :grouphug:

 

(Fil died 3 years ago last month; imo in a horrible way, and dh and I processed it very different ways and that caused confusion and conflict as time went by.)  Teary for me was and occasionally still is one of my reactions or coping mechanisms; dh has always been uncomfortable with tears.  

 

 

 

 

Well if it does disappear let it be known I was not meaning to bash the man. I love him!  Im surprised it sounds like I am. and sorry it comes across that way to some.

 

I needed help with seeing another side to it. Because I know he loves me and would not mean to hurt me so....?? sigh.  

 

But I didnt mean to break rules or anything. 

 

Just wanted to get that part in there before it gets poofed while I am still reading nad processing the other replies. 

 

Thank you!

 

[Garga]

One thing, and maybe this is a personal pet peeve, but I dislike it when women cry and sort of hope people notice. I've checked in the mirror, and sometimes I am puffy after a big cry and you can tell I was crying, and sometimes I'm honestly not. No one would have noticed that 10 minutes ago I was a sobby mess.

 

I remember all the way back into high school that a girl was upset at being dumped, so she did her best to nurse a single tear and keep in on her cheek all through French class so that when she was back out in the hallway her ex-boyfriend would notice it and feel bad. She kept asking me, "Is the tear still there?" It was so manipulative.

 

Now, not saying that you're manipulative, but I do have another friend who often will think she's showing us how she feels and we all never notice. "What? Didn't you even *see* how mad I was? I was frowning!" or, "I was so upset and trying so hard not to cry and no one even saw my lips quivering." Uh, no. Most of us don't really notice that.

 

So, it could be competely honest on your dh's part that he didn't notice you'd been crying.

 

And what's up with him talking about how you'd never go out? Is this true? You may not think so and this is where you need a counselor. Either your husband is being *fill in the blank; a jerk, insensitive, whatever* or there's a problem going on that *you*need to work on as well. Maybe you can't see how much you're hiding from the world and he can.

 

It sounds like you both have valid concerns and neither was listening to the other. It sounds like you may have an issue that needs help and he doesn't know how to tell you without alienating you. And it sounds like he needs help in helping you.

[SKL]

Now, not saying that you're manipulative, but I do have another friend who often will think she's showing us how she feels and we all never notice. "What? Didn't you even *see* how mad I was? I was frowning!" or, "I was so upset and trying so hard not to cry and no one even saw my lips quivering." Uh, no. Most of us don't really notice that.

 

I am another person who feels like I'm "showing" my emotions when I'm actually not, per my friends.  They have no idea I'm upset unless I specifically say so.  Weird, but good to know.

 

I don't know whether that's a factor for the OP or not.

[The Girls' Mom]

 

 

2. Stop trying to order a hamburger at a chicken stand. He's not able to provide the sympathy you are looking for. Trying to wring some appropreate sympathy out of him is far more exhausting and much less healthy than just saying, "I saw something that reminded me of Gpa,but I'm fine now. I'm going to read/rest/watch TV alone for a while." -- Then processing your own emotions the same way you would if no one was home: cry, pray, distract yourself, call a friend... whatever. What you need is not for sale at the hubby chicken stand. He can't serve what he doesn't have. Stop being an irrational customer repeatedly shouting for a hamburger. The best you will get is a chicken burger.

This.  I'm the chicken stand in our relationship, honestly.  My dh lost his best friend in an accident a few years ago.  He sought sympathy and commiseration from me and I just didn't know how to give it.  I've lost two parents and my reaction to death is completely different than his.  I'm one to compartmentalize things, and once I shut the door on the grief compartment, I don't like to open it back up (not really healthy, but it is what it is).  He was understandably hurt by my lack of sympathy, and I was angry because he was upset with me.  

 

We went through a lot to get past that.  But even though we know our quirks on this now, I'm still dreading the day his parents pass away.  We will have to work through it all over again, I'm guessing, because I honestly don't have the grief feelings or ability to process it that he does.  The right things to say don't come to me until it is too late, or someone has gotten upset with me.  

 

Anyway, I apologize on his behalf.  He wants you to be happy again, and doesn't realize he isn't helping.  Definitely go to counseling, either alone or together.  

 

And ((hugs)) to you for losing your dad.  

[sunflowerlady]

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief has no timetable and it has only been six months.  Do not let anyone make you feel you are doing it wrong.

 

I could understand the train of thought that people grieve and show grief/emotions in different ways. However, you told him what you needed from him and he outright refused to do what you need???  No, I can't overlook that. Not acceptable.

 

All I can add is that I have had losses too and it has taken years to get better with some of them. What helped me is that I finally realized I will never "get over it".  All that happened is that I learn to live with it.

 

Decades later, I think of the people basically daily still, but I am not despondent anymore.

 

And, my losses have not been due to crime. so that adds another , very painful layer for you.

 

Your dh need to accept that this is going to be a long haul, IMO.

 

:grouphug:

[happi duck]

Op, more (hugs). I'm finding grief to be the most difficult thing to deal with in marriage.

 

I've had a lot of loss that has knocked me down and left me depleted. I just want dh to help me in a way that I don't need to "translate" because I am exhausted by life right now.

 

I want the "chicken stand" to change and it's another little loss to accept that it won't.

 

(Hugs)

[kwg]

One thing, and maybe this is a personal pet peeve, but I dislike it when women cry and sort of hope people notice. I've checked in the mirror, and sometimes I am puffy after a big cry and you can tell I was crying, and sometimes I'm honestly not. No one would have noticed that 10 minutes ago I was a sobby mess.

 

I remember all the way back into high school that a girl was upset at being dumped, so she did her best to nurse a single tear and keep in on her cheek all through French class so that when she was back out in the hallway her ex-boyfriend would notice it and feel bad. She kept asking me, "Is the tear still there?" It was so manipulative.

 

Now, not saying that you're manipulative, but I do have another friend who often will think she's showing us how she feels and we all never notice. "What? Didn't you even *see* how mad I was? I was frowning!" or, "I was so upset and trying so hard not to cry and no one even saw my lips quivering." Uh, no. Most of us don't really notice that.

 

So, it could be competely honest on your dh's part that he didn't notice you'd been crying.

 

And what's up with him talking about how you'd never go out? Is this true? You may not think so and this is where you need a counselor. Either your husband is being *fill in the blank; a jerk, insensitive, whatever* or there's a problem going on that *you*need to work on as well. Maybe you can't see how much you're hiding from the world and he can.

 

It sounds like you both have valid concerns and neither was listening to the other. It sounds like you may have an issue that needs help and he doesn't know how to tell you without alienating you. And it sounds like he needs help in helping you.

 

I was embarrassed to be crying in public.  I wasn't hoping he would notice. I asked him after he made (what *I * thought was an off-putting insensitive comment) did you notice I had been crying and he said he did and that he was just trying to get me to see the positive side of things.

 

 

I have to go out- kids. lol. We have a too many activities like most hs families around here. But recently I got panicky about leaving the kids and maybe he meant that. I do not know. 

[kwg]

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief has no timetable and it has only been six months.  Do not let anyone make you feel you are doing it wrong.

 

I could understand the train of thought that people grieve and show grief/emotions in different ways. However, you told him what you needed from him and he outright refused to do what you need???  No, I can't overlook that. Not acceptable.

 

All I can add is that I have had losses too and it has taken years to get better with some of them. What helped me is that I finally realized I will never "get over it".  All that happened is that I learn to live with it.

 

Decades later, I think of the people basically daily still, but I am not despondent anymore.

 

And, my losses have not been due to crime. so that adds another , very painful layer for you.

 

Your dh need to accept that this is going to be a long haul, IMO.

 

:grouphug:

 

yes! That is when I got so mad. 

[kwg]

Op, more (hugs). I'm finding grief to be the most difficult thing to deal with in marriage.

 

I've had a lot of loss that has knocked me down and left me depleted. I just want dh to help me in a way that I don't need to "translate" because I am exhausted by life right now.

 

I want the "chicken stand" to change and it's another little loss to accept that it won't.

 

(Hugs)

(hugs) to you also. Thank you.

[Rosie_0801]

The longer you feel you don't have permission to indulge in the stages of grief, the longer you're going to be stuck in them. Someone who isn't you needs to explain this to him.