Pro-big families but pausing/stopping child-bearing anyone else?

[Soror]

Most awkward thread title I know. I'm just looking for some like-minded and similarly positioned support. I've felt since I had this baby that I was done, at first it was an angry and resentful decision but now I feel a peace with it. I do still love larger families and love the idea of more kids (and quite enjoy when we have other kids visiting) but at least for now both dh and I need a break. I've got some health issues I need (hope) to sort out and dh is at his limit of stress and patience. It seems there are generally 2 sides, 1 that doesn't at all understand why anyone would want more kids and those that are quiverful or lean that way and no reason is good enough to stop. I don't want to defend and or explain myself to either one.

 

I want to be able to focus on mothering the ones I have. I really don't want my health to deteriorate further. I really want to heal and be normal again. I really wish for the stress to dissipate a bit for dh especially.

 

So, it isn't with bitterness  at this point but a resolve that we are making the best choice for our family for the present. Perhaps it will change at some point, really I hope it does because at this point I wonder if I'll ever be well again but I've got to focus on the present .

[mathmarm]

It sounds like you've made the right choice for your family at this time. I say "more power to you!" If you need to take a pause or break from the conscious kid making stage in your life, then do so. Being at peace with it is a good sign, but if you start to feel anxious or bitter then just don't get any permanent surgical procedures done to the fertility parts of your anatomy. You and your husband should feel free to resume (or not) when you both are ready.

 

 

[Ethel Mertz]

Whatever works for you and DH is the best plan. Take some time to heal and some time to discern before doing anything permanent. Enjoy your kids and, as you said, take time to mother the ones you have.

[Carrie12345]

I don't explain or defend anything to anyone. :coolgleamA:

 

But, for conversation's sake, I do want more kids.  We "stopped" after number 3. Then we "stopped" after number 4.  Then I had a surprise/loss for which I had to have surgery and faced the official decision.  We chickened out. Then I had number 5 (surprise!)

 

We are officially, physically STOPPED now.  As much as I like the idea of 6 or 7 or 8, that is beyond our current and near-future capabilities. And that's reason enough for me!

 

FTR, if the situation should ever arise, I am open to foster and/or adopt possibilities, which probably lessens any inner conflict I might otherwise have.  If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.  But there isn't much chance of "accidentally" expanding our family when we're not prepared to!

[PrincessMommy]

I don't think there's anything wrong with being pro-big family but deciding that it's not something you personally want/can do.  It's called being realistic. 

[FO4UR]

I'm right there with you.

 

:grouphug:

[Halftime Hope]

I think your mindset is the healthiest and most grace-filled one that I, at least, could ever imagine.  You want yourself and your husband to be the best, healthy parents you can be for yourselves, each other, and for the children whom are already in your care, and you feel this is how you can best achieve it. Yet, even though there are limits you are putting in place for  yourselves, you are filled with grace and openness toward others who chose differently than you.  I'll even bet that your home is one that is hospitable to families with many children, something that other hostesses find daunting. 

 

As far as explaining, I wouldn't.  I've gotten comfortable saying, "its too private for me to talk about."  It's quite liberating.

 

Sending you much encouragement for today.

 

 

[Soror]

We don't plan on doing anything permanent, we are opposed to such things and right now I'm not certain that it is no more kids forever even if we were for ok with permanent procedures. I still likely have a fair amount of childbearing years left. 

 

It all feels so strange though to be shifting our focus, it is a different stage and it is odd and the feeling of being so alone makes it more difficult because I cannot share it and there is just so much on my mind with such a big decision.

 

Halftime Hope- thank you for such kind words, it means so much. Yes, we love to have children around, the more the merrier. I'm very much looking forward to being able to have more energy to have kids over more often. We enjoy being the house where the kids hang out. 

 

I already get comments and questions about having more. I always just answer you never know what the future holds, really I don't know. I hate it when people ask. Our family isn't big my many standards but around here it is pretty big and it seems to invite lots of inquiries. 

[Matryoshka]

Different situation, but I felt the same way about the weird lack of support no-man's-land when I weaned my youngest at 23 months.  On one side were people who thought nursing was icky in the first place, or already thought I'd gone and joined the cray-cray fringe by nursing past a year, and then on the other hand were my LLL friends who nursed their kids till 5 and were all about child-led weaning.  I had no one to talk to about how to wean (on my terms, not kid's) a 2-year-old, nor the rather bittersweet feelings I had about it (one side, "well, it's about time you were done, you should feel relieved" and the other "you should feel guilty for taking that away from your kid before she's ready").

 

So, I say follow your own heart and don't worry about the people who are following the 'norm' on either side.  I rather think the middle road is a more sensible place to be anyway.  No one else has any right to say what is right for your family. :grouphug:

[Soror]

Martyoshka- Oh, I understand that one as well. I'm contemplating weaning, at least at nightime my 18m.o. to hopefully help my body heal quicker and feel better sooner. Even those pro-bfing around here only make it to a year. 

[umsami]

Do you have to offer any sort of explanation?

 

Perhaps you're assuming that people will ask, and they won't?  I can't imagine anybody I know asking why I wasn't pregnant, or were we not trying or what not.  That would be way too invasive in our neck of the woods.   If they did, I would probably just smile and say "we know how very blessed we are already" or something along those lines.

 

Re: night weaning, just do it.  Nobody needs to know.  It's between you and your DC.  Eighteen months of nighttime nursing is a wonderful gift.  You don't need to apologize or feel guilty about that, especially if it helps you get more sleep, heal, etc.

 

 

[DawnM]

Unless you go to a quiverful church and hang out with all quiverful homeschoolers, I am not sure there should be a problem.

 

NO ONE should ever make comments about the number of children one has.  It is rude and in poor taste.

 

I have 3.  I have never had comments, but I also can give off a "none of your business" vibe when I feel people are starting to cross a line.  :lol:

[rieshy]

I would point out that to most people you already have a large family:)  We are definitely not from the camp that says that a woman is supposed to bear as many children as possible.  I guess that's "quiverful" ?- we just really like kids and we have peace with the number we have.

 

 

I have reached the age where people have finally stopped asking us when the next one is coming.  I always found it rude.  Very Rude.  And stupidly inconsiderate.  I just developed a thick skin.   My husband and I are responsible to raise the children we have as a team.  It's not about anyone else.

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[rieshy]

I can't imagine anybody I know asking why I wasn't pregnant, or were we not trying or what not.  

 

We don't go to a church with large families or home school around a lot of large families, but people were constantly asking us.  Even total strangers in the grocery store line- if I had more than 3 of my children with me at a time- felt free to ask questions.

 

I knew I was done and shifting gears the first time I held a friend's newborn and handed her back without feeling a single pang of longing and with not a little bit of relief.  Changing gears is weird but exciting.  I've loved moving on.  

[Splash]

You don't owe anyone an explanation. My answer was always that I'd never say I was done but I wasn't actively pursuing another child either. (My 5 children were all adopted). Now that I'm turning 50 and youngest is now 8 I'm ready to say I'm done though 8 yr old sometimes wishes for a brother close to his age.

[maize]

Both dh and I come from large families, we love big families and so do our siblings. I think growing up most of us visualized ourselves with huge families, but as things have worked out most siblings have ended up with 4-6 kids, not the nine or ten we may have envisioned.

 

I can tell you my personal views: God desires men and women to join together to form new families and bring children into the world; these children are a great blessing but also a great challenge and responsibility. The number of children in a family is not really important, parents should be prayerful in making decisions about the number and spacing of children, but what is right will depend on the individual circumstances of each family.

 

Many people tell me they have reached a point where they felt their family was complete and they were at peace with that. A few have thought their family was complete and then years later wanted another baby. Only you can know what is best for your family.

 

I have five children similarly spaced to yours, and while I have sometimes wished I felt I was done I actually feel quite strongly that there are more children, someone is still missing from my family. I did however feel that spacing the next child a bit further apart would be wise, that there is no need to run faster than I have strength. Five for me was quite overwhelming--I don't know why people say it's all the same after three!

[MiMi 4under3]

I always had my heart set on 5 (or possibly more.)

 

My twins were born when DD was 2.5 years and DS was 10.5 months old.  It was, of course, a very busy and stressful time in my life.  

 

Looking back, I didn't get to fully "enjoy" all the babies.  When I was strong enough to handle another pregnancy/baby, DH thought it wise to give our full attention and resources to the 4 children we already had -  especially since they didn't get the attention they would have, if they had been spaced further apart.  I reluctantly agreed - but in my heart I knew it was the right decision for us.  (Not having any family nearby to help was a big part of this decision.)

 

 

 

[coffeegal]

Most awkward thread title I know. I'm just looking for some like-minded and similarly positioned support. I've felt since I had this baby that I was done, at first it was an angry and resentful decision but now I feel a peace with it. I do still love larger families and love the idea of more kids (and quite enjoy when we have other kids visiting) but at least for now both dh and I need a break.

 

:grouphug: Nothing wrong with a break... take a look at my children's ages! You'll end up with 2 groups of kids, juggling teens and preschoolers, watch your teens give the little ones piggy-back rides, and have lots of fun. Take a break for now and enjoy your children. :001_smile:

[goldberry]

I am pro-make-the-right-decision-for-your-family-and-finally-let-go-of-other's-expectations-and-nosiness!  Whether that is 10 kids or 1 kid.  So yay for you!

[PeterPan]

I don't think it's a decision you can fully remove the angst from.  I chose not to get pregnant the one month postpartum that I had what was probably a fertile cycle.  That was years ago, and ds is now 5.5.  I made the decision because in the moment I knew I could not physically handle more.  It turned out my ds had verbal apraxia and needed lots of extra care and attention.  We made long trips for therapy weekly, biweekly you name it and are still doing so years later.  I couldn't physically have done that with another baby in-tow.  Then I would have been making decisions about how to get care closer but still get what he needed.  Reality was that level of care didn't exist closer.   :(

 

It was a choice we made in the providence of God, and it worked out for the best.  I'd LOVE to have more kids, and I can't go back and change the consequences of that decision, kwim?  But I'm glad for the benefits.  

 

I would imagine that anyone who has been following your babies will watch and ask again.  I got comments like that for a while, and they hurt.  Actually, when you can't make it happen it hurts doubly.  Just think up a pat reply, something sorta in the pass the bean dip realm, and move on. Steel yourself.  What I've learned by watching some good friends of ours is that we have to make our choice and then DETERMINE TO BE HAPPY IN IT.  It's almost like we think we're not allowed to be happy if we do xyz.  We ARE.  So make a choice you can live with and decide to be HAPPY in it.  It's not a contest to see who can have the most kids, and there are pros and cons to everything.  

 

Btw, my pat answer these days?  I tell people I told dh he could have a baby at each 10 year anniversary (1, 10, 20).  I have no clue if that will happen, but that's what I tell 'em.    :lol: 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I am "pro big family" in the sense that I love to see the dynamics in large families, all the helping and loving going around!  But we've already had two more than planned (or will be having the second "not planned" very shortly!) and DH is at his limit.  Not in an awful, resentful way, just in a "more kids than this and he may suffer, health wise" way.  I'm ok with that.  I'd be ok with having a dozen, but I'm already very happy with the "extras" I have gotten.  :-) 

 

I'm people are asking about your family size, I would find some gentle phrase that shuts the conversation down, something like, "Oh, that's between us and God".  Something not terribly rude, but that perhaps reminds people that they have overstepped. 

 

I get comments on our (modestly large) family size every single time I leave the house.  But they are always in the "ARE YOU CRAZY?" category than "When are you planning the next one?"  lol. 

[gardenmom5]

we are strong proponents of listening to the Holy Ghost about what God wants *us* to do.  everyone is different.  their circumstances are different, their health is different, their *children* are different, etc. (even 1dd has joked dudeling took so long to get here because he needed so many adults around him.)  If you and your dh have both been very prayerful about what is God's will for *you* as a couple, then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says.

God likes us to talk to Him - and especially when we listen when He talks back.  and that feeling of complete peace (especially when the action is illogical - and I've had some of those) comes from Him.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

I'm people are asking about your family size, I would find some gentle phrase that shuts the conversation down, something like, "Oh, that's between us and God".  Something not terribly rude, but that perhaps reminds people that they have overstepped. 

 

:iagree: especially with the bolded.

 

[gardenmom5]

 

I have reached the age where people have finally stopped asking us when the next one is coming.  I always found it rude.  Very Rude.  And stupidly inconsiderate.  I just developed a thick skin.   

 

:iagree:  someday those people are going to ask a woman when she's having another, only to have her burst into tears because she just lost one, or can't physically have anymore, or is having a very difficult pregnancy and she doesn't want to make it public yet.   they also ask young brides when they're having one, - only to have them burst into tears because they're dealing with infertility.  people who inquire into the future contents of one's womb infuriate me.  it is beyond rude.

 

 

eta: when people have asked me - I had no problem asking THEM why they were asking such a personal question? 

my newly married sil had no problem asking one person "didn't you hear about my miscarriage?"

[Crimson Wife]

{{{hugs}}} I've known for a while that I need to get rid of my maternity clothes and baby stuff, but haven't been able to bring myself emotionally to do it yet.

 

Before we knew the seriousness of youngest DD's disability, I'd thought that we were just taking a bigger break before having a "tag-along" child or two. At this point, however, I really don't see us trying for any more biological children. Growing our family via adoption is something that we might be open to in the future, and that's my answer whenever anyone asks nosy questions. Our church stresses the importance of couples being open to life and I do view babies as blessings rather than burdens. But I don't see that as meaning women need to have as many biological children as they can physically bear.

[mommaduck]

A friend once told me, "you will know when you are done." She was right. It's okay and no one should guilt you about anything. I even went to my priest to talk, because I NEEDED someone to tell me that "it's okay."

[gardenmom5]

{{{hugs}}} I've known for a while that I need to get rid of my maternity clothes and baby stuff, but haven't been able to bring myself emotionally to do it yet.

 

 

I had given up on having anymore - and got rid of my cradle and cloth diapers (and almost everything else) that I had held onto for 10 years.  then I got pregnant in my 40's (it was a shock to me) . . . .

 

[J-rap]

I think what you're doing is perfect!  You need to concentrate on your own -- and your husband's -- health.  Try not to worry about what others think.  It really doesn't matter, and if they ask you, I don't see why you need to give them any answer at all.  You can just give them a surprised look!   :-O  And they can think what they want. 

 

We had #5 when #1 was just 6 years old.  We maybe would have had more but #5 had health problems that required my full attention 24 hours/day for a couple years.  It was a good time to stop for us, or who knows what energy I would have had left.  Plus, in those days the most amount of seats in a minivan was seven.  :)

[happypamama]

I understand completely. I'm very pro big families, if that's what people want, and I would consider myself to be more on the quiverful side than not. However, I think different families' quivers may be different sizes. My kids are similar ages to yours, and we may not have any more. I would happily have fifty more if I could, but I'm also trying to accept that, for various reasons, God may have decided that our quiver is full. I don't think we will do anything permanent, or even semi-permanent, and theoretically, my fertility should be slowing down, granted that I'm only a few years away from 40. (Except that I seem to get more fertile as I get older, so who knows?). I'm not quite ready to get rid of the maternity and newborn stuff yet.

 

I think it's a decision that each family needs to make for themselves, along with God. I don't think there are too many rights or wrongs about any of the choices.

[happypamama]

I am "pro big family" in the sense that I love to see the dynamics in large families, all the helping and loving going around! But we've already had two more than planned (or will be having the second "not planned" very shortly!) and DH is at his limit. Not in an awful, resentful way, just in a "more kids than this and he may suffer, health wise" way. I'm ok with that. I'd be ok with having a dozen, but I'm already very happy with the "extras" I have gotten. :-)

 

I'm people are asking about your family size, I would find some gentle phrase that shuts the conversation down, something like, "Oh, that's between us and God". Something not terribly rude, but that perhaps reminds people that they have overstepped.

 

I get comments on our (modestly large) family size every single time I leave the house. But they are always in the "ARE YOU CRAZY?" category than "When are you planning the next one?" lol.

Yes, to this, except that I get more comments about "four boys" than I do about "five kids." We always planned on at least two kids, and while I always wanted more, when our second was two, I was at least able to feel like it would be okay if that's all we were ever blessed with. But we figured we'd give a third a try, and then a fourth, and a fifth was always on the table. DH feels about like yours does, that he's happy with what we have and doesn't feel a strong need for any more, doesn't want to risk any health issues (our last birth was thankfully good and amazing, but it had the potential to be very, very bad, and that's taken DH and me a while to process), but I also know that he's not so wedded to the idea of more that he'd be unhappy or want to do anything permanent.

[melbotoast]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[freesia]

Just wanted you to know you are not alone and that there aren't just 2 camps. LOL

 

We have 4, but before kids, I would have loved to have at least 6. I want to be a mom of many kids. However, when I had the 4th I knew I was done. Four was the limit of what my dh and I would handle emotionally. I felt completely sure of this. I still feel "sad" that I couldn't handle more--bc it was how I saw myself and what I thought I wanted. But that is just me and my pride. Realistically, I adore my kids and our family size. My kids need an emotionally healthy family more than they need me to fulfill a dream I had.

 

Also, now that my youngest is 5, I can use my love of kids to minister to others--taking their little ones for a morning, for example.

[MercyA]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Jerico]

Unless you go to a quiverful church and hang out with all quiverful homeschoolers, I am not sure there should be a problem.

 

NO ONE should ever make comments about the number of children one has. It is rude and in poor taste.

 

I have 3. I have never had comments, but I also can give off a "none of your business" vibe when I feel people are starting to cross a line. :lol:

We go to a quiverful church. I got my tubes tied. I avoid any discussion about it. It is hard though. I think big families are great! I wanted one... Until I got pregnant and realized its kinda hard physically. It costs quite a bit to feed and clothe them. It will be an emotional and mental challenge to raise and educate them! I do have a problem with people tying childbearing (in numbers) to faith. I have no problem with big families (or small). And I have no problem with families making the best decisions they can.

[Soror]

Oh, thanks ladies for the support.

 

re questions: I already get questions quite often. It didn't bother me so much and I was happy to be an enthusiastic pro-big-family voice and now I just don't care to be. I don't really want to talk about it right now as it feels so raw. Just last week someone asked me and when I told her not right now and I didn't know if/when she was all like I thought you were Catholic and all about big families or something like that. When we told a friend about the last pregnancy they made a comment about wondering why it was taking so long (there is right at 3 yrs difference b/t my last 2).

 

People seem to take enjoyment or satisfaction over the thought of us stopping, like we suddenly realized how foolish we were to want a big family in the first place, it is really quite obnoxious and hurtful. So, they want to ask so they can have the satisfaction to basically say I told you so and don't really understand it is much more nuanced than that. It annoys me for people to have that mistaken impression but then again I don't really want to get into it all either.

 

I'm not quite ready to get rid of all of my baby stuff though, although I already did pare it down as my space is just limited. I've personally never felt a big urge when holding babies, although I love my own they are getting so much more fun as they age. I'm really enjoying this stage and this number and quite honestly looking forward to a little more freedom, freedom of my body and ability to do things that are hard if not impossible to do with little bitty ones. 

 

It is hard to say what the future holds though. Perhaps I will get better and we will feel the desire and ability to add more to our family. 

[Liz CA]

 

I want to be able to focus on mothering the ones I have. I really don't want my health to deteriorate further. I really want to heal and be normal again. I really wish for the stress to dissipate a bit for dh especially.

 

So, it isn't with bitterness at this point but a resolve that we are making the best choice for our family for the present. Perhaps it will change at some point, really I hope it does because at this point I wonder if I'll ever be well again but I've got to focus on the present .

. It seems there are generally 2 sides, 1 that doesn't at all understand why anyone would want more kids and those that are quiverful or lean that way and no reason is good enough to stop. I don't want to defend and or explain myself to either one.

 

Neither should you feel you have to defend your decision. I think you are doing the right thing following it your intuition and feeling. This is why God gave us this "gut" feeling. And, of course, since nothing is set in concrete, you can always change the path. It is YOUR path and nobody else's.

Take care of yourself and your health! Rest, Relax and Enjoy!

[HS Mom in NC]

The reason you don't hear about the other camps is because they don't feel the need to get up and speak up about it all the time. They don't think they need to persuade or judge anyone about family size because they think someone else's family size is none of their business. I think they just might be the silent majority.

[dirty ethel rackham]

You don't need to explain your reasons to anyone.  If you are at peace with your choices, then you know that they are the right choices.

 

I am pro-big family - I loved the idea of a large family (and I guess I would consider 5 a large family.)  I grew up in a family of 6 and that was normal to me.  Dh loves babies.  But, the reality of what I am capable of set in after 2 kids.  My 2nd child was a very high-need child who never slept.  (I am missing large chunks of his baby and toddler-hood - I see pictures and have no memory of that day.)  As it turns out, he had some special needs.  Having him did a number on my physical and mental health.  (Don't get me wrong, he is one of my greatest blessings, but his needs have always challenged me - pushed me beyond my limits.)  Despite dh's earlier desire to fill up a Suburban, he saw before I did that I was at my limit.  But we didn't feel done.  We knew without a doubt that we were done after dd (our #3) and were completely at peace with that decision.  I was 37.  My physical and mental health were very taxed.   I am an introvert who is very sensitive to the feelings of others so I was maxed out with the needs of a baby and a sensory kid.  I don't fit in with most of the Catholic homeschoolers here because I wasn't willing to play the "who has more kids" game.  I was seen as selfish.  But, I gave everything I had to my kids and still came up feeling like I wasn't enough. 

[Um_2_4]

I often get questions about more kiddos. While I would love more (and before kids I was thinking 6-8), physically I can't handle it, DH has some health issues that are becoming apparent (and is quite a bit older than me). So I am looking at still homeschooling after he retires (ok with me, really). 

Everyone who knows me, knows that I suffered from infertility  for 7 years. And that I loved kids (I was the KG teacher at a local school). After we were married, people used to ask about kids, then 2,3,4 years passed with no babies and people figured it out. So people are happy for me that I have the kids I have and often ask about the "next" one. But I just point to the twins and say "I'm worn out"...and they get it.

I also am really enjoying the stages now. Oldest is getting to be more and more help, he likes to sit up and talk with me. I want to enjoy that now, not be torn away by crying newborns. (Plus I am really kind of enjoying a full night's sleep :lol: .)

But I still am kind of wistful for the "full" house. Maybe if I had started having kids younger, but I didn't so I am quite happy with what I have.

[Crimson Wife]

 

re questions: I already get questions quite often. It didn't bother me so much and I was happy to be an enthusiastic pro-big-family voice and now I just don't care to be. I don't really want to talk about it right now as it feels so raw. Just last week someone asked me and when I told her not right now and I didn't know if/when she was all like I thought you were Catholic and all about big families or something like that. When we told a friend about the last pregnancy they made a comment about wondering why it was taking so long (there is right at 3 yrs difference b/t my last 2).

 

I'm Catholic as well and hate the attitude that the depth of someone's religious conviction can be judged from the number and spacing of that person's children. I know someone who is a devout Catholic and she confided to me once that she experienced multiple miscarriages before and after her only child. She would've loved to have had more children but that wasn't God's plan for her.

[Soror]

You don't need to explain your reasons to anyone.  If you are at peace with your choices, then you know that they are the right choices.

 

I am pro-big family - I loved the idea of a large family (and I guess I would consider 5 a large family.)  I grew up in a family of 6 and that was normal to me.  Dh loves babies.  But, the reality of what I am capable of set in after 2 kids.  My 2nd child was a very high-need child who never slept.  (I am missing large chunks of his baby and toddler-hood - I see pictures and have no memory of that day.)  As it turns out, he had some special needs.  Having him did a number on my physical and mental health.  (Don't get me wrong, he is one of my greatest blessings, but his needs have always challenged me - pushed me beyond my limits.)  Despite dh's earlier desire to fill up a Suburban, he saw before I did that I was at my limit.  But we didn't feel done.  We knew without a doubt that we were done after dd (our #3) and were completely at peace with that decision.  I was 37.  My physical and mental health were very taxed.   I am an introvert who is very sensitive to the feelings of others so I was maxed out with the needs of a baby and a sensory kid.  I don't fit in with most of the Catholic homeschoolers here because I wasn't willing to play the "who has more kids" game.  I was seen as selfish.  But, I gave everything I had to my kids and still came up feeling like I wasn't enough. 

My first and last were/are very, very challenging to me. My first is not so demanding now, well severely ADHD w/ pretty big working memory deficits but that is just normal at this point. My last is still very high needs and her pregnancy really set off my health issues. Assuming I can get my health back the prospect that I could end up at this point again and have to be monitored so closely during my next pregnancy is enough to give me serious pause.

 

I've always said that I have to feel sane before I purposely try to have more kids, I know some think that is selfish. I'm giving my kids my all as well and I love being a mother. I just don't want to push myself until I'm not able to and I certainly am not anxious to lose anymore of my health than I already have.

 

I often get questions about more kiddos. While I would love more (and before kids I was thinking 6-8), physically I can't handle it, DH has some health issues that are becoming apparent (and is quite a bit older than me). So I am looking at still homeschooling after he retires (ok with me, really). 

Everyone who knows me, knows that I suffered from infertility  for 7 years. And that I loved kids (I was the KG teacher at a local school). After we were married, people used to ask about kids, then 2,3,4 years passed with no babies and people figured it out. So people are happy for me that I have the kids I have and often ask about the "next" one. But I just point to the twins and say "I'm worn out"...and they get it.

I also am really enjoying the stages now. Oldest is getting to be more and more help, he likes to sit up and talk with me. I want to enjoy that now, not be torn away by crying newborns. (Plus I am really kind of enjoying a full night's sleep :lol: .)

But I still am kind of wistful for the "full" house. Maybe if I had started having kids younger, but I didn't so I am quite happy with what I have.

I always thought we would have 5-7, so were not too far from that. I realized I was done before dh but once I admitted it dh admitted he was at the end of his rope as well. As time progresses I'm only feeling more certain that it is the right choice, especially as I figure out the causes and depth of my health issues and they aren't just going away any time soon.  I'm totally jealous of your full night's sleep. I don't want to wish away babyhood but I'm desperate for sleep!

 

I'm Catholic as well and hate the attitude that the depth of someone's religious conviction can be judged from the number and spacing of that person's children. I know someone who is a devout Catholic and she confided to me once that she experienced multiple miscarriages before and after her only child. She would've loved to have had more children but that wasn't God's plan for her.

It so shouldn't be a contest but it often is and the only right choice is more. As you point out though that type of attitude is really hurtful to thus who suffer from infertility and not actually in line with the teachings of the church.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with reactions from anyone. I practically laughed out loud that anyone would insinuate a 3yr gap was too large. About a third of that gap is pregnancy. I'm pregnant with baby #2 and my ds will turn 6 this month. So there will practically be a 7yr gap. I never wanted a gap that large, but I wasn't ready for a second child sooner. We weren't even in a stable financial situation until recently. I held onto baby stuff for a long time. We kept moving. I kept giving more and more away. I finally decided that certain things would be kept but most could go because I could start over if I needed to. Someone at church joked with me that I bet I wish I hung onto it. I said no, I don't. I needed to get rid of it. I didn't have the space. And it went to others that could use it. So I don't care. Maybe just pick out certain things you want to keep (sounds like you've already more or less been doing that). I'm Catholic, too but no one says anything to me about family size. Bottom line, you do what's best for you and your family. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

I feel the same way about stuff, rarely do I regret getting rid of stuff. I know 3 yrs isn't a huge gap by most standards but they had all theirs 2 yrs or less.

[Heidi]

Oh, thanks ladies for the support.

 

re questions: I already get questions quite often. It didn't bother me so much and I was happy to be an enthusiastic pro-big-family voice and now I just don't care to be. I don't really want to talk about it right now as it feels so raw. Just last week someone asked me and when I told her not right now and I didn't know if/when she was all like I thought you were Catholic and all about big families or something like that. When we told a friend about the last pregnancy they made a comment about wondering why it was taking so long (there is right at 3 yrs difference b/t my last 2).

 

People seem to take enjoyment or satisfaction over the thought of us stopping, like we suddenly realized how foolish we were to want a big family in the first place, it is really quite obnoxious and hurtful. So, they want to ask so they can have the satisfaction to basically say I told you so and don't really understand it is much more nuanced than that. It annoys me for people to have that mistaken impression but then again I don't really want to get into it all either.

 

I'm not quite ready to get rid of all of my baby stuff though, although I already did pare it down as my space is just limited. I've personally never felt a big urge when holding babies, although I love my own they are getting so much more fun as they age. I'm really enjoying this stage and this number and quite honestly looking forward to a little more freedom, freedom of my body and ability to do things that are hard if not impossible to do with little bitty ones. 

 

It is hard to say what the future holds though. Perhaps I will get better and we will feel the desire and ability to add more to our family. 

 

It's kind of the same with homeschooling.  I'm all set for homeschooling to the end, but if it were compromising my health/sanity or if it was too stressful for my dh, or whatever, I would sadly choose ps over the ideal.  And I imagine people would throw it in my face as a told you so situation as well.  I think it is the same with any personal family decision.  You do what you feel is best for your family and forget about outside opinions.  It's none of their business.

 

I can say that I was done at 5.  Very done.  However, I had an interesting experience that led me to believe there was another child that wanted to join our family.  I cried when I conceived and life hasn't been any easier, but I'm holding him now and of course I don't regret my decision at all!

I am perfectly content to be done at 6, but I had another... "experience"... and there is a girl that wants to join our family too.  I don't want any more kids for all the reasons you listed and more.  My husband is also easily stressed and has considered getting fixed.  But after this last "experience" I've realized it really isn't about me at all.  Of course, if my husband said no, we would be done.  If I truly felt like I couldn't handle it and said no, I don't think it would be wrong in God's eyes to stop.  But I know there's another one that wants to join our family, and that makes it difficult to say no.  We will probably welcome her into our family eventually.  I'm not in any rush, and I haven't made a firm decision just yet.  I'm still recovering from #6. 

I would keep the decision pending, and I would just tell people exactly that, in addition to it being none of their business.

[ocelotmom]

I'm in a similar spot right now. We don't have pressing health issues, but DH has been quite vocal about being done now (though he may well change his mind on that at some point), and, realistically, I probably am too. At the very least, until the youngest (1 month) is old enough to be relatively self-sufficient (so 5 years or more). I was a better parent a few kids ago, and before I became the full-time worker. And we have a 3 bedroom house that we probably aren't going to move from and can't add onto easily, so we're already going to have 3 girls in one room in a few years. So if we had another, we'd have to try to fit four girls in one room, or stick a young kid in with a teenager, and neither situation seems particularly ideal.

 

I'm just not ready to accept it yet. I'm not ready to get rid of my maternity clothing, or this baby's stuff as she outgrows it. I'm even not ready to get rid of DS's clothing as he outgrows it, despite not having any more boys to hand down to. Realistically, storage space is a much bigger problem right now than the hypothetical need to buy things over again, especially since we're relatively minimalist about babies. I'm just a packrat and recovering mentally from a long period of being really poor. And not ready to make commitments to being done.

[musicianmom]

I thought I was going to be QF. Then I experienced the reality of morning sickness while caring for a toddler. I decided 2 was enough, then #3 was a very quick surprise.

 

Those who can handle big families and do it without overburdening the oldest kids or resorting to harsh discipline tactics to maintain control, more power to them. I love seeing big happy families. But my quiver is full with 3.

[Guest]

Most awkward thread title I know. I'm just looking for some like-minded and similarly positioned support. I've felt since I had this baby that I was done, at first it was an angry and resentful decision but now I feel a peace with it. I do still love larger families and love the idea of more kids (and quite enjoy when we have other kids visiting) but at least for now both dh and I need a break. I've got some health issues I need (hope) to sort out and dh is at his limit of stress and patience. It seems there are generally 2 sides, 1 that doesn't at all understand why anyone would want more kids and those that are quiverful or lean that way and no reason is good enough to stop. I don't want to defend and or explain myself to either one.

 

I want to be able to focus on mothering the ones I have. I really don't want my health to deteriorate further. I really want to heal and be normal again. I really wish for the stress to dissipate a bit for dh especially.

 

So, it isn't with bitterness at this point but a resolve that we are making the best choice for our family for the present. Perhaps it will change at some point, really I hope it does because at this point I wonder if I'll ever be well again but I've got to focus on the present .

I think you are making a very intelligent decision.

 

I am pro-large family (to whatever extent it can be facilitated), but I believe intelligent adults should know their limits. I personally wanted six or seven kids. At this point, that is highly unlikely to happen now. But I do believe it is better to have a smaller family where both parents feel healthy, mentally strong enough, and financially able to raise their present children, than to have more children when one or both parents feels that one or more of these areas is very weak.

 

Heck, I don't believe in getting a *dog or cat* if one hasn't carefully considered if they have the time, attention, space and finances to care for that animal, barring an unforeseen emergency, for the next ten-fifteen years!

 

P.S. I was previously a believer in QF.

[Soror]

Heidi, I appreciated your post for the most part but I disagree with the thought of deciding to have more kids means realizing it isn't all about me. Realizing it isn't all about me is one of my reasons for postponing and/or permanently abstaining, dh and I have children here that need us to take care of them. 

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

My husband and I are in interesting place where I want more and he is done. I'm the oldest of 8 and wanted a big family (4 doesn't feel big at to me - I want 2 more). I can't "force" him to have more children when he doesn't want them but he respects my feelings and hasn't asked me to use birth control or taken any permanent measures himself. I've passed on most of our baby stuff to my brothers and sisters but kept a few favorite things. It's our happy medium of respecting each other. :-) I'm hopeful that one day he'll agree to more children but I really think I've made it to a place where I'm ok if he doesn't.

 

Many people with our religious beliefs have very large families but no one has asked us about when we'll have more except my mom and sister. I understand where they're coming from. My parents had the first 5 of us in 5.5 years and then my dad had a vasectomy. God changed their hearts a year or so later and he had it reversed. My mom had 5 more pregnancies after that although two ended in late miscarriages. My parents (and none of us really) can imagine life without the youngest three in it. My mom just doesn't want us to miss out on awesome blessing to our family like they almost did. I get that - and agree with her. Once she knew that I didn't feel "done" she stopped mentioning it because she knows it's hard for me. My sister asks because we had always wanted to have babies together. But she's 5 years younger than me and got married 5 years later than I did. I had already had my 4 before she even got married and started having hers. We both miss that. She has also stopped asking me about it since she knows I want more.

 

You and your husband have to do what's right for you and what you think God is leading you to do - even if you don't completely agree on what that is. You don't owe anyone else an explanation.

[Guest]

When we told a friend about the last pregnancy they made a comment about wondering why it was taking so long (there is right at 3 yrs difference b/t my last 2).

I can't stand busy-bodies of this type! I was never the most fertile of folks and I remember once when someone asked me if we were going to have a third child. I said, vaguely, yes, we hope to. (We had already been open to conceiving for almost a year.) she said, "well, you don't want to wait too long, because they will be far apart!" I wanted to say, "We're not waiting, you douchebag! It just hasn't happened yet!" When I did tell her that we had been trying for almost a year, but hadn't conceived yet, she claimed not to understand how that is possible; just have sex every day for a month and you'll be pregnant! OH, WOW, WHAT A BRILLIANT SUGGESTION! I'm sure all those struggling with underwhelming fertility have simply not yet employed her scientifically-based method!

[abba12]

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