If you were bullied during your school years...

[VeteranMom]

do you think it has had an impact on how you live today? I was horribly bullied in the 6th grade and it was a miserable time for me.  My parents got me out of that school (after a full year of torture) and moved me to a school clear across town.  I never felt comfortable with people after that time.  I lost trust in teachers and my classmates.  Some people say that it makes you stronger (to persevere through something like that) and I used to try to tell myself that, but I really don't believe it.  I think it's negatively affected me- even in my adult years.   

[Excelsior! Academy]

Absolutely.  Trust, once lost, is very hard to regain.

[Jean in Newcastle]

No.  I fought back.  I was glad to be gone from that school, though.  

[jelbe5]

I was bullied from 3rd grade through 7th at a private school. It was so bad I would cry and beg my mom not to send me. It had a huge impact on me. For many years I did not trust women (my tormentors were mostly girls). I have worked hard to overcome issues I feel are a result of the bullying (low self-esteem, lack of trust, etc.). However, one of the best things to come out of the hurt was my decision to homeschool. My being bullied was probably the leading factor in that decision. I have found it to be healing to be with my children where we can be together and I know they are safe and free from emotional and physical abuse. Of course our lives are not perfect but I feel my children are becoming happy, confident and kind teens and young adults. I attribute that to homeschooling and the closeness it has brought to our family. I am so grateful for the opportunity to homeschool.

[eternalsummer]

I was in a situation in middle school for a year or so where I was the next-to-lowest on the totem pole, so I was bullied but only mildly compared to the girl on the very bottom.  I didn't stand up for her.  I still feel guilty about that, and it affects me in that I realize my tendency is to avoid confrontation instead of protecting the weak.  Because I know this about myself, I can feel the inclination to turn aside and I fight it deliberately.  It takes an act of will, though.

[Crimson Wife]

Yes. There is a reason why I have not spoken to most of my high school classmates since the day we graduated 19 years ago. By high school they had moved on from tormenting me to ignoring me, but I didn't forget how they treated me in middle school. I did receive apologies from the friends who had abandoned me out of fear that opposing the bullies would make them the next target. Those people I forgave and I'm still close to most of them today. But the bullies never did indicate any remorse for how they acted and frankly, I don't care if I never see any of them again.

[SKL]

I am not sure.  The bullying continued almost until the last day of 8th grade, at which time the biggest girl (the one who had punched me many times) sincerely apologized.  None of the bullies bothered me the next year (we were in different classes anyway as they were not college prep).  I was free to be myself but I still was kind of a weirdo, with a small group of friends far outside of the "inner circle."  I was pretty content with that.  I came to accept myself as an introvert who doesn't have to have a lot of friends to be happy.  I also came to feel sorry for the people who had bullied me.

 

If I had been pulled out of school in the middle of the drama, I might not have had the benefit of seeing foolish people come to their senses, or observe that most people are content to let others be.

[Guest]

Yes, definitely. I am almost old enough to join AARP. In my late teens and early 20s, I was gonna grow up to be a famous (fill in the blank) ajnd that would show them. In my late 20s to mid 30s, part of my identity was overcoming my childhood to be become a completely normal...well, single homeschooling mothers weren't normal, but you get the point. In my 40s, I was devastated to realize that none of it had done a darned bit of good because deep down inside, I was still the same odd, geeky, bookish little child I had always been and they would think that I had "gotten what I deserved" because they didn't value the same things in life I do.

 

hth; may be back to edit after seeing the other replies, but I didn't want them to influence my answer to the OPs question. I was bullied roughly from nursery school (the year before kindergarten) to middle school, but most people would have considered it bullying in middle school too even though I considered it relief, lol.

[MomatHWTK]

Yes, it has impacted my whole life in lots of ways- some of which I am still figuring out. 

[eternalsummer]

The head bully apologized to me the last day of 8th grade, too (in my yearbook, no less, so it is immortalized).  She was Christian; I think that was what made her realize what she had done was wrong.  She ended up being quite academically successful in high school; we were friendlyish after she apologized.  

 

Middle school does terrible things to people; I never held it against her.

[Tap]

I moved around a lot and was bullied a bit.  For me, it was just threats of getting beaten up and some minor things like things getting thrown at me. I was able to ignore it and just move on. I had a friend who stuck up for me and since they didn't get a rise out of me, I guess they gave up.  I can't really say it impacted me one way or the other.  

 

I grew up in a big family with siblings who were not very nice to each other, so maybe that is why I was able to just ignore it, or maybe it is just my personalty. I don't know.  I can pretty much let things roll off my back and really don't take things personally.  

[*Inna*]

Yes.

 

A few years back I had to do an assignment as a part of therapy- to spend a week journaling and writing down the names of all people who hurt me in the past, acknowledging what they did and forgiving them. It was horrible. I could not believe how strong my emotions were, still, towards the bullies.

 

It maybe did make me stronger as I learned to fight back both physically and verbally, but to this day I distrust most people and have a hard time making real friends.

 

When I hear the old argument about being bullied will make you stronger, I always think, "I bet you were a bully". :rolleyes:

[dirty ethel rackham]

I was emotionally bullied for 6 years.  As a kid, to my knowledge, nobody did anything about it.  I was told that I needed to stop being a target, stop doing whatever made them tease me, stop having such thin skin, yada yada yada.  Even though this was a Catholic school and we were supposed to treat others with love and respect, what I internalized was only some people were worthy of love and I wasn't one of them.  When I got to high school, I hid the scars and tried to reinvent myself.  But, it has followed me my entire adult life.  It wasn't until my 40s that I was really able to move past it.  When my kids started to experience some of this (exclusionary tactics, name calling, hiding the behaviors from adults, etc.)  I broke out into a cold sweat and felt that familiar sensation of panic.  My boys are quiet, bookish kids with some geeky interests.  I knew school would have been a terrible fit for them so, even at the worst days when I wanted to give up, I persevered because I didn't want my kids to experience this.  Dd is a completely different kind of kid and would be much more resilient (and has shown that.) 

[Melissa in Australia]

do you think it has had an impact on how you live today? I was horribly bullied in the 6th grade and it was a miserable time for me.  My parents got me out of that school (after a full year of torture) and moved me to a school clear across town.  I never felt comfortable with people after that time.  I lost trust in teachers and my classmates.  Some people say that it makes you stronger (to persevere through something like that) and I used to try to tell myself that, but I really don't believe it.  I think it's negatively affected me- even in my adult years.   

 

Absolutely. I was bullied to the extreme at primary school. including not a single person playing with me. I was bashed up regularly, and even had a knife held to my throat. In the playground if I walked on the path then every kid would jump off- if I touched a piece of playground equipment, every student would leap off- only by uttering some secret chant could a student be touching something that I was touching otherwise they would be contaminated.  If there was a sort game in the classroom. the teacher would always pick two students to stand at the front, then one by one they would pick students to be on their team. I was always the last picked, and when I was finaly picked the whole team would groan.

I went to 3 different primary schools. as it was still the same small town the bullying followed me wherever I went.

 

How has it affected me- I am no psychologist to analyze that sort of information, but it has definatly impacted on my self-worth, and I tend to push friendly people away .. I guess as a sort of self-protection

[bettyandbob]

Yes, it impacts me to this day.

 

1. Low confidence. Although, some people would say I am a high achiever, I never achieved academically or professionally anywhere near I wanted to be. I always thought I wasn't good enough to try. I always thought it was a fluke I got into the university I did (and there was at least one person who specifically told me that). This lack of confidence has seriously impacted me professionally and financially.

 

2. I refuse to be in organized groups with women. It takes a very long time to make a friend. I have a few friends. I do not have a group of friends who are all friends with each other like some people.

 

3. As a mom I have difficulty appropriately dealing with persons who bully my own dc. I have had to work on not looking like crazed psycho mom that never helps.

 

My parents only attempted to help once,. They never followed up. Even though nothing changed. They never wanted to listen and give me a hug even--it was more I needed to toughen up. I was in school with the same people from 5th grade on. The main reason I graduated early was to get out. I am not close with my parents, even though they live very close

 

I graduated high school over thirty years ago.

[wendyroo]

Yes.

 

I was bullied at school for my entire childhood.  Now when I interact with people there is always a niggling voice in my head..."They don't really want to talk to me; they are just being polite."  

 

And maybe it is a self fulfilling prophesy, but many of the other moms I run into are in cliques and really don't seem to want to talk to me.  I'm not looking for a BFF, just a bit of conversation while we wait for our kids to be done in a class, but whatever bully target signals I gave off as a child now seem to alert others that I'm the odd ball who should be excluded before I even say anything.

 

Wendy

[sewingmama]

Yes. I have PTSD. It's the main reason I homeschool. My DD inherited my gene defect that got me bullied and I'll be darned if I watch the same thing happen to her.

 

I also can't tolerate children who bully. I have to leave the area/room because I Iiterally want to jump on the bullier and kick the $&@$ out of them.

 

Yes I have issues lol

[VaKim]

Yes. It turned me from a straight A "dream" student to one who hated school and just gave up, making all the teachers and counsellors think I was on drugs or something (which I never was, btw). Nobody ever considered that being treated like dirt by the other students could have had anything to do with it at all. I just gave up on school and became the horrible rebellious teen who was cold and hard and didn't care about anything anymore. Cold and hard does not equal strong.

 

As far as how it affects me now, though I am able to function well and normally, I am still quite hardened and tend to be very skeptical and defensive on the inside, though I know how not to show it, if that makes sense. I tend to see (and expect) the worst instead of the best in people and situations. It was a big reason I homeschooled my own girls. 

[Wheres Toto]

Yes.

 

I don't trust people in general.

I tend to think the worst.

I avoid getting close to people and don't make close friendships. 

I never feel like I belong in groups, always feel kind of on the fringes.

Lack of self-confidence, although this has gotten better in the past 10 years or so (I'm in my mid-40's).

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

do you think it has had an impact on how you live today? I was horribly bullied in the 6th grade and it was a miserable time for me.  My parents got me out of that school (after a full year of torture) and moved me to a school clear across town.  I never felt comfortable with people after that time.  I lost trust in teachers and my classmates.  Some people say that it makes you stronger (to persevere through something like that) and I used to try to tell myself that, but I really don't believe it.  I think it's negatively affected me- even in my adult years.   

 

 

 

Sounds like something bullies say. 

 

 

:iagree:  That's what people WISH were true, not what is true. It's what they say when they don't know what else to say.

 

There was a girl whom we tormented endlessly in 6th grade and after that pretty much shunned her.  I contacted her via FB a few years ago and apologized. She never responded, but I didn't care about that.  I guess, in addition to being sorry, I wanted her to know that I still thought of her. She didn't deserve ANY of it, and we were just incredibly hateful and horrible and awful.

 

It was the entire class that picked on her, probably that pack mentality, "better her than me" kind of thing. No one should ever be treated like that. Ever.

 

We had a teacher with no authority in the classroom. The girl's mom tried to help, came in and talked with us kindly about being nice to others (it really was nice), did a project with us, would bring treats in occasionally. I don't think any of that made it worse for her daughter, but I don't think it made it better either.

 

For all of you who suffered and still struggle with those doubts and other feelings--don't believe the lies.  How you were treated was a reflection on the people who did that to you. It had NOTHING to do with you, or what you are worth. You were a victim who suffered because someone else was so horribly shitty, not because of anything/anyway you did, said, looked, acted.  I'm sorry.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[happypamama]

Yeah.  Yeah, it really did have an effect on how I live now.  Unfortunately.  

 

One positive is that it's a big reason why I homeschool.

[Night Elf]

I got teased a lot, for various things. It did affect how I thought people viewed me and therefore how I viewed myself. I was definitely affected in my early adult years. It's taken decades to feel better about myself.

[jelbe5]

:iagree: That's what people WISH were true, not what is true. It's what they say when they don't know what else to say.

 

There was a girl whom we tormented endlessly in 6th grade and after that pretty much shunned her. I contacted her via FB a few years ago and apologized. She never responded, but I didn't care about that. I guess, in addition to being sorry, I wanted her to know that I still thought of her. She didn't deserve ANY of it, and we were just incredibly hateful and horrible and awful.

 

It was the entire class that picked on her, probably that pack mentality, "better her than me" kind of thing. No one should ever be treated like that. Ever.

 

We had a teacher with no authority in the classroom. The girl's mom tried to help, came in and talked with us kindly about being nice to others (it really was nice), did a project with us, would bring treats in occasionally. I don't think any of that made it worse for her daughter, but I don't think it made it better either.

 

For all of you who suffered and still struggle with those doubts and other feelings--don't believe the lies. How you were treated was a reflection on the people who did that to you. It had NOTHING to do with you, or what you are worth. You were a victim who suffered because someone else was so horribly shitty, not because of anything/anyway you did, said, looked, acted. I'm sorry.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I wanted to thank you for taking a moment to share here.

 

The mean girl who led others in bullying me from grade 3-7 left at the end of 7th due to a family move. Happily, her clique fell apart and I was left alone in 8th grade. I had two friends - a lovey girl whose family fled Vietnam (she had also been bullied) and a 7th grader.

 

Sometime during 8th grade I learned that the ringleader girl who had moved away was the daughter of a very active alcoholic. She always looked "perfect" and I am betting she needed to project that image since her home life was so chaotic. I did feel sorry for her and found it in my heart to forgive her and the others. However, I have no desire to ever see any of those people ever again. I am a very happy adult and prefer to keep those painful memories in the past and focus on the loving family I have now.

 

The one thing I have realized over the years is that not only should young people who bully be held accountable but the adults in the school should also be held accountable. My anger was against the kids for many years but I finally realized the adults - teachers and administrators - were also culpable. They knew; they saw it. And they did nothing.

[Mimm]

My husband was badly bullied in middle school. He says they were the worst three years of his life. I know it affected him. He was targeted because he was very smart and pretty dorky, and he reacted by looking down on his peers and that's still with him today. He can be really cynical and assume the worst about people in general. He had a teacher who failed him just because she could, because he wasn't doing homework in a math class. He knew the material inside and out and she knew it, but just wanted to teach him a lesson and she told him as much (he was in 5th grade!) While learning to do the assigned work was probably a lesson he needed to learn, the only lesson this teacher taught him is that teachers are horrid and vindictive and don't care if you learn, only if you jump through their hoops. This affect his work to this day. He has a hard time doing something unless he can see a really good reason for it.

 

He views public school very negatively. Our daughter will be attending 8th grade next year and if she comes home complaining, I'm pretty sure he'll pull her out in a heartbeat. :p He thinks that it's almost inevitable that people will treat her horribly and that most teachers are basically bad people and that good teachers are a rare exception. I hate that he has this perception. :(

[PuddleJumper1]

Yes.

 

I was bullied and teased a lot about my weight. I was always the tallest in my class and 35 - 40 pounds underweight. I was called all manner of very not nice names for years by one girl in particular. The feelings from that followed me for a long time. 

 

The other instance escalated to the point of me being severely beaten up by the bully one day at school. That took many, many years for me to work through fully. The entire situation from bullying to beating was handled very badly by the administration at the school and that just added to the horror of it. I was afraid to go back to school. I was about 10 at the time and could not think of that situation without major emotional reaction until well into my early 30s.

[umsami]

I was bullied and I think it was strongly correlated with the depression and suicidal thoughts I had in my teens and twenties.  I finally did get beyond it, but it took awhile.

 

When DS1 was being bullied at school last year, it was just another reason why we returned to homeschooling.  

[kewb]

Yes, I was bullied and yes it still impacts my life today.  I will say that once I went to college I found my inner strength and truly thought I left all of that baggage behind.  Then I had kids of my own.  My son was bullied horribly in elementary school.  It was why we started homeschooling.  To this day I am suspect of all my kids friends.  Are they truly friends?  What if they are setting my kid up to be the butt of some cruel joke? Do they really like my kid? It colors my view of every new friend they bring home.  I struggle with it, a lot.  It is a bit better now that they are in high school and more then capable of speaking for themselves but I am still lugging around some of that baggage.

[elegantlion]

Yes, my two people one in elementary school, one in middle school. It was emotional abuse, not physical, and both about things about my body that I couldn't change. At the time it only made me feel alone and like a loser. I was about 37 went I literally stopped one day while looking in the mirror and realized how internalized those voices were. I heard their hateful words in my voice. I've had a horrible body image for most of my life, low self-esteem, all stemming from those situations. 

 

I went through an emotionally releasing at 37. It's not all gone, but I don't hear their words I look in the mirror. I'm 47 now and still not totally comfortable in my own skin, but I don't hate it in the way I used to.

[Garga]

Yes.

 

A few years back I had to do an assignment as a part of therapy- to spend a week journaling and writing down the names of all people who hurt me in the past, acknowledging what they did and forgiving them. It was horrible. I could not believe how strong my emotions were, still, towards the bullies.

 

I did that assignment, too. It helped me. I was able to let the pain and anger and helplessness go.

 

But there are most certainly still ramifications. I absolutely believe that most people don't really like me when they first meet me. They're just being polite when they talk to me. This belief that people don't really like me will persist for years. It takes years of interaction before I can believe the people who are friends/aquaintances actually like me.

 

I did well academically and the only reason I did not go to college was because I thought it would be filled with more ostracism and cruelty. I couldn't handle another minute of it so I did not go to college. The best day of my life was when I graduated high school. It wasn't until I had kids that the "best day of my life" changed into "The day I had kids." Getting married was not as good as graduating high school. I was utterly miserable in school.

 

I homeschool because I don't want my kids to have to go through what I went through. There are many days I get so tired of homeschooling and wish I could send them to school where they would be safe and taught well, but I don't believe such a place exists so I soldier on.

 

I am exceedingly compassionate toward the outsiders. I make sure to say a friendly hello and stop and talk to the people in my church who are "odd." I don't just say, "hi" and dash past them. I stop and talk to them. I know what it's like to be standing in the corner and everyone walks past you, pretending they didn't see you there.

 

I used to hate children. Children were my tormentors and I hated them. The idea of having my own children was utterly repugnant. At around 29 I changed my mind and had kids and I adore them and no longer hate all children.

 

I'm 41. It's taken time to get through all this.

 

Bottom line: I have no college degree, think everyone mostly doesn't like me (until after years of interaction), and treat "odd" people with acceptance and compassion.

[elegantlion]

I did that assignment, too. It helped me. I was able to let the pain and anger and helplessness go.

 

But there are most certainly still ramifications. I absolutely believe that most people don't really like me when they first meet me. They're just being polite when they talk to me. This belief that people don't really like me will persist for years. It takes years of interaction before I can believe the people who are friends/aquaintances actually like me.

 

I did well academically and the only reason I did not go to college was because I thought it would be filled with more ostracism and cruelty. I couldn't handle another minute of it so I did not go to college. The best day of my life was when I graduated high school. It wasn't until I had kids that the "best day of my life" changed into "The day I had kids." Getting married was not as good as graduating high school. I was utterly miserable in school.

 

 

Wow, I could have written most of that. I didn't go to college because of money, but there was a lot of fear involved too. I'm going to be on campus next fall for 2-3 classes and I'm almost petrified thinking about sitting in a classroom again. Not only am I "weird" - which I tend to embrace, I'm old, fidgety in a class, will worry about my breath, my clothes, my hair. My saving grace is my advisor is going to be teaching my first class and so I feel like I have one ally in place. 

 

I graduated a semester early from high school and I felt like I had been released from hell at the time. 

[Anne in CA]

People tried to bully me and mostly I was resistant to accept the negative things they tried to plant in my head. But, like Garga, I just didn't have the energy to pursue a college degree, not understanding that college would be different because people would be more interested in learning than trying to exercise power trips. That is a big regret that I still have, although I have had a good education on my own, with no piece of paper. 

 

Three years ago I took my 11yo dd to the doctor and saw she was the same height and weight I was at 11 and that she was sooo beautiful. I got a little upset remembering the nasty, nasty girls who told me I was fat. I knew they weren't right, but it was hard not to feel fat. Seeing my dd at the same height and weight as me showed me that they were clearly jealous.

 

Facebook has been enlightening to how these people really think, lol. Many of them friended me, and when they saw that I am happy, with a beautiful family, a successful husband, and had a great job myself they promptly unfriended me, lol. The people who bullied me are still not happy as adults. There is no reason to pay attention to them now, and I suspected there was no reason to pay attention to them then, but they have proved it out.

 

 

[Redeemed7]

Absolutely. I was bullied to the extreme at primary school. including not a single person playing with me. I was bashed up regularly, and even had a knife held to my throat. In the playground if I walked on the path then every kid would jump off- if I touched a piece of playground equipment, every student would leap off- only by uttering some secret chant could a student be touching something that I was touching otherwise they would be contaminated. If there was a sort game in the classroom. the teacher would always pick two students to stand at the front, then one by one they would pick students to be on their team. I was always the last picked, and when I was finaly picked the whole team would groan.

I went to 3 different primary schools. as it was still the same small town the bullying followed me wherever I went.

 

How has it affected me- I am no psychologist to analyze that sort of information, but it has definatly impacted on my self-worth, and I tend to push friendly people away .. I guess as a sort of self-protection

I can relate. Mine wasn't physical, but it felt very isolating. I so vividly remember being chased around the playground being called a name that is still too painful to repeat. I also, remember in jr high sitting with some girls in the library looking at prom dresses in Seventeen Magazine. This girl that always gave me a hard time wanted to know if I would go to prom. It was obvious that she was telling me I wouldn't be. Most of my issues happened in grade school, but it caused me to withdraw and isolate myself, so it wouldn't happen.

 

I think the biggest way it has effected me is being able to make friends. I was always the smart one, so many kids used me for help. I'm still a little introverted, but I have come a long ways. My growth in knowing how God sees me has been instrumental and I have to say my husband has been a blessing in that way too.

[SKL]

Now that I think some more about it, I do put effort into helping my kids to develop social connections, which has been a weak point for me all my life.  I'm not sure how much of it relates to bullying, though.  From grades K-7 I was mildly bullied but mostly marginalized.  I guess it would be called bullying today, but I don't see it that way because nobody was physically hitting or intimidating me.  It was more a cooties / name-calling kind of thing, but I was definitely the #1 class target for several years, and then my best friend was target #1 and I was #2.  I assumed one reason for the bullying was that I was poor and didn't ever get to participate in the typical social activities.  Another could be that I was an introvert.  So with my kids, I intentionally plan for them to meet and get to know people and have all kinds of experiences so they don't seem like aliens in school.  For example, once I decided I'd like them to go to the Lutheran school, at age 3 I started taking them to church there, even though I don't agree with key aspects of their doctrine.  I wanted them to be part of the "church family" already on the day they started school.

 

The serious bullying that happened to me was in a new school, and the bullies were low achievers involved with drugs etc.  I initially gravitated toward them because they seemed "down to earth," but they soon took offense at my intellectual / prudish side.  Maybe I did and said some dumb things too, I don't remember.  That bullying experience really doesn't affect my view of myself today, I don't think.  As far as my parenting, I just try to encourage my kids to stand up for themselves (and others) better than I did.

[texasmama]

I experienced peers being negative to me (hesitate to call it bullying, though it affected me quite a lot) in middle elementary school and at the beginning of 7th grade.  In both cases, my mom or both of my parents got involved and addressed the issue with the parents of the other kids.  In both cases, they knew the parents.  Due to the fast action on the part of my parents, I did not have any long-term affects as a result of this.  I was a sensitive kid who needed an advocate, and I'm glad that my parents stepped in.

[Annie Anne]

I was bullied from 3rd grade through 7th at a private school. It was so bad I would cry and beg my mom not to send me. It had a huge impact on me....

However, one of the best things to come out of the hurt was my decision to homeschool. ...

my children are becoming happy, confident and kind teens and young adults. I attribute that to homeschooling and the closeness it has brought to our family. I am so grateful for the opportunity to homeschool.

Same here, and learning disabilities. No one believed that I could not tell the difference between b and d. They thought punishment would fix the problem. So what I got was started by, and approved by, the teachers.

And then, you know, when the neuropsych evaluated my aspie she was amazed to find he had no low self esteeem issues.

She even brought in a collegue to redo those parts of the tests for her.

She could not understand why he was not down on himself and abused by peers.

She was truly shocked.

[Mergath]

I was bullied starting in first grade (by both the students and the teacher) and into high school.  My only real memories of first grade are sitting alone on the bench during recess crying because the other kids were mean to me and I didn't have any friends, and the teacher screaming at me if I needed to use the bathroom until I wet my pants.  Which made the other kids pick on me more.  I still don't understand how a teacher could be so cruel to a six year old.

 

In high school a pack of guys singled me out for my epilepsy and tormented me over that.  They'd pretend to fall down in the hallway and have a seizure whenever they saw me, among the other things they said and did.  

 

It affected me for a long time.  My self esteem was in the toilet for years, and to this day I still have a lot of issues.  It's part of the reason we made the decision to homeschool.  I didn't take anything positive away from the bullying, and I refuse to make dd go through even a fraction of what I did.  Even now I still feel like less of a person than everyone else, like I don't deserve the same things as other people and have to constantly apologize for my existence, if that makes sense.

[Redeemed7]

Same here, and learning disabilities. No one believed that I could not tell the difference between b and d. They thought punishment would fix the problem. So what I got was started by, and approved by, the teachers.

And then, you know, when the neuropsych evaluated my aspie she was amazed to find he had no low self esteeem issues.

She even brought in a collegue to redo those parts of the tests for her.

She could not understand why he was not down on himself and abused by peers.

She was truly shocked.

I'm so happy your son hasn't had to go through that. I try to really build up my children's self confidence without making them narcissistic.

[Clear Creek]

Definitely. I was bullied from 7-10th grade...it only stopped because I moved across the country. I was called names, ridiculed by groups of kids for every aspect of my self (my appearance, clothes, behavior), chased home from school (and beat up if I was caught), spit upon, my belongings trashed if they could jimmy open my locker (and stuff poured into the locker if they couldn't open it), cruel notes left in my locker telling me what an awful person I was and how everyone hated me, and nasty rumors spread about me.

 

To this day I am sure there is something inherently dislikable about me. Every time I meet someone new, I am sure they find me repulsive in some way. I am not sure why my husband married me, nor why he has stayed married to me for so long (and I question him about it often, lol). I am pretty sure my BFF puts up with me out of pity, even though she has never given me reason to think that.

[Ravin]

I was bullied in elementary and high school (middle school was at a very small Christian school and bullying wasn't a problem for me there), and developed a contempt for certain other groups of people in high school. I decided I was better than my bullies. It impaired the development of my sense of empathy for those with viewpoints different from my own that I had to overcome as I matured in my 20's.

[shawthorne44]

Yes. I have PTSD. It's the main reason I homeschool. My DD inherited my gene defect that got me bullied and I'll be darned if I watch the same thing happen to her.

 

I also can't tolerate children who bully. I have to leave the area/room because I Iiterally want to jump on the bullier and kick the $&@$ out of them.

 

Yes I have issues lol

 

That was my response too.  I always befriended the new kid, the lone duck.  When DD was 2 she got a gift that is a monkey with a banana at its mouth.  When you take away the banana the monkey cries and moves around throwing a fit.  Which causes the child to laugh.  It disturbs me.  Actually, when I go home I am going to throw it away.  I won't even Goodwill it, it is that disturbing.  

 

What sucked about that, was that the kid that just moved in is MUCH more likely to move out again.  So, even though I lived in the same place from 3rd on and never made a lateral school move, I never had a friendship last more than two years.  

 

As a mom, I am also highly alert to social skills/problems.  One thing weird.  My husband and I both "do our own thing" and "march to our own drummer".  DD is such a follower.  If she is play chasing someone and they fall, she falls too.  What do you do with that?

 

I read a book called, I think, "Science of Parenting".  It talked about a lot of studies related to childhood.  They can tell in before and after brain scans if a kid has been bullied.   Ponder that for a moment.  The divider area thickens. (This is what I bring up anytime someone says that bullying in public school is good for people)  The change in the brain makes people more like to be depressed. They said the learning/playing piano can somewhat reverse that.   

 

It also made me Snob Snob.  Meaning that preemptively snub people that I perceive might be snobs.  Basically the popular people in High School (even today).  For example, in the church youth group (7th to 12th) which I loved, I ignored most of the kids because it was obvious they were the popular kids.  They never did anything wrong to me or anyone else that I saw.  In fact, it was very accepting.   My senior year there was a kurfuffle about a former friend of mine, and I was talking to one of the kids I had shunned.  She told me that they had tolerated her because I seemed nice.  

 

 

[SKL]

Hmm, playing piano can reverse the effect?  That is very interesting.  I played the piano (for fun) for at least an hour a day when I was in school.

[shawthorne44]

Hmm, playing piano can reverse the effect?  That is very interesting.  I played the piano (for fun) for at least an hour a day when I was in school.

 

If I remember right, the piano part was "early indications suggest".  

Looking back, do you think it helped you?

 

My focus reading that book had been an increased determination to stamp out bullying wherever I see it, and protect my DD for it.  

[Joanne]

I was bullied by a frightening, angry kid. I get, today, why he was frightening and angry but I didn't know then.

 

The worst was probably the day I had a lit cigarette thrown at my face while he rode by on a bike on the way to school.

 

I felt abandoned and ditched by the adults. I hated the advice "just ignore it" and "kids will be kids" long before such crap was called into account. I knew then it was ridiculous.

 

My dd is being bullied, through classic female mechanism, by an adult now at her/our school. I am furious.

[Kathryn]

This thread makes me so sad. I'm so sorry for what so many of you endured. I wasn't really bully or bullied. I was one of those peripheral kids that walked the lines of social groups. Towards the end of elementary school, I was more with the popular girls, but not quite one of them. When middle school began, the girl who had been my best friend made being THE popular girl her goal. She attained it, but I was really put off by her new friends and the way they all acted and treated people. I wrote her a letter about how I valued our friendship, but I'd rather not continue it because of changing circumstances (the newly rearranged social groups of middle school). She showed it to all her new friends and they all hated me and laughed at me for a while. I didn't really care because I'd already made nice new friends and I figured she was just hurt and didn't quite know how to deal with it. The next year, they got a bunch of popular boys involved in trying to mess with me and my new best friend. I guess it was bullying, but again, I didn't care about those people so it didn't really affect me. My friend cried about it daily and her parents went to administration about it though. I know how she was treated affected her greatly and the choices she's made in life.

[SKL]

I never told my parents about the bullying in 8th grade.  Is that unusual?

[SKL]

If I remember right, the piano part was "early indications suggest".  

Looking back, do you think it helped you?

 

 

Yes, playing the piano was a huge source of relaxation and self-gratification for me.

 

I had other positive factors in my life though.  I didn't realize it then, but my family was strong and we siblings were a team.  When something went wrong at school, we'd talk about it while preparing dinner or delivering newspapers.  That helped to readjust the "maybe I deserve to be hated/disrespected" mindset that could be formed at school.

 

[gardenmom5]

yes.  studies I've read indicate it does have a very lasting impact.

[Callie]

 

And maybe it is a self fulfilling prophesy, but many of the other moms I run into are in cliques and really don't seem to want to talk to me.  I'm not looking for a BFF, just a bit of conversation while we wait for our kids to be done in a class, but whatever bully target signals I gave off as a child now seem to alert others that I'm the odd ball who should be excluded before I've even say anything.

 

Wendy

Wow I thought I was the only one to ever think this.  I understand it perfectly.

 

My mother was my bully she tormented me my entire childhood.  I haven't spoken to her in many years and never plan to again.  

 

It has had an enormous impact on my life.  I trust no one and have no true friendships.

[Callie]

Yes.

 

I don't trust people in general.

I tend to think the worst.

I avoid getting close to people and don't make close friendships. 

I never feel like I belong in groups, always feel kind of on the fringes.

Lack of self-confidence, although this has gotten better in the past 10 years or so (I'm in my mid-40's).

Yes to all of this.

 

I also think I give out some sort of signal that say "ignore or mistreat me".

[Callie]

I can relate to everything here.

I did that assignment, too. It helped me. I was able to let the pain and anger and helplessness go.

But there are most certainly still ramifications. I absolutely believe that most people don't really like me when they first meet me. They're just being polite when they talk to me. This belief that people don't really like me will persist for years. It takes years of interaction before I can believe the people who are friends/aquaintances actually like me.

I did well academically and the only reason I did not go to college was because I thought it would be filled with more ostracism and cruelty. I couldn't handle another minute of it so I did not go to college. The best day of my life was when I graduated high school. It wasn't until I had kids that the "best day of my life" changed into "The day I had kids." Getting married was not as good as graduating high school. I was utterly miserable in school.

I homeschool because I don't want my kids to have to go through what I went through. There are many days I get so tired of homeschooling and wish I could send them to school where they would be safe and taught well, but I don't believe such a place exists so I soldier on.

I am exceedingly compassionate toward the outsiders. I make sure to say a friendly hello and stop and talk to the people in my church who are "odd." I don't just say, "hi" and dash past them. I stop and talk to them. I know what it's like to be standing in the corner and everyone walks past you, pretending they didn't see you there.

I used to hate children. Children were my tormentors and I hated them. The idea of having my own children was utterly repugnant. At around 29 I changed my mind and had kids and I adore them and no longer hate all children.

I'm 41. It's taken time to get through all this.

Bottom line: I have no college degree, think everyone mostly doesn't like me (until after years of interaction), and treat "odd" people with acceptance and compassion.