if you have a good relationship with your tweens/teens

[athomeontheprairie]

What do you think you did right? What could you have done to improve the relationship? what did you mess up, and how did you fix it?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sense of humor, lots of talking, hugging even when or after we're mad at each other, knowing that it is ok to be mad at each other because we still love each other, letting the tween/teen have room to make some mistakes without it being a big deal.

[Cammie]

I have a thirteen year old daughter and ...so far so good.

 

I think we did a good job of instilling boundaries that are fair and reasonable.  I think we do a good job of giving her enough space to grow into her own person.

 

I think a vast majority of it is LUCK.  We have been lucky with her school, with the friends she has chosen, with the activities that interest her.

 

I had great parents - I was a miserable teenager.  Took me until I was 18 until I could have a relationship with my mom again...and it was all my fault.

 

One thing I learned from my parents...don't sweat the small stuff.  My DD understands.  School is big stuff.  So is health.  So is family.  Small stuff - what you wear, what you do to your hair, the music you listen to, etc.

[TammyinTN]

Honestly...sleeping in, staying up late doing school and loads of talking about what interest him.    He's a news junkie, and we talk about everything.    Also, I take him out to lunch once a week and we talk for hours. 

[MysteryJen]

Being honest. Honest about your own faults and actions as a teen and adult. Talking, talking especially in the car where the pressure seems to be off a little. Making an honest effort to be interested in their interests, listen to their music, and being welcoming and loving to their friends.

Apologizing when you mess up and treating them as you wish to be treated.

 

Love them first. Then worry about discipline.

[Joanne]

I have 3 teens: almost 19, 17 and 15 next week.

 

I have a good relationship with 2 of them - the other has problems with addiction. I watched one of the substances take from him everything I believe in/respect.

 

I think that in comparison to some parent/teen relationships I know, we are very close. This is significant; we've had to transcend and overcome many things as a family, and possibly more than many families.

 

What I did right:

 

Developed a ritual of "stay ups" with the boys. We'd stay up, watching horror movies (or That 70's Show) and eat junk food and talk, laugh, talk, laugh.

Learned to like some of their music.

Allowed today's electronics, styles, hair, clothes - without any assumption of it being related to *character*

Developed rituals with my dd - usually girly stuff.

Allowed them age-appropriate space (head space, body space, emotional space)

Wasn't all radical or "different" in was that made them feel conspicuous.

Developed family jokes, humor, rituals.

Talked frankly, openly, and often about mature topics - politics, sex, money, education, character, religion

A discipline model that did not include petty, arbitrary, or unrelated consequences

 

What I did wrong:

Worked too many hours.

Second marriage

 

 

[Joker]

I have a 14 year old and an almost 12 year old. The best thing I have done with my teen so far is to remember what it is like and allow do-overs. I so vividly remember getting caught up in my emotions and not backing down. My parents never backed down either and many times during the tough years that caused a lot of issues. I let my dd have an out and she can rethink things. She almost always has come back from those thinking sessions with a better outlook and attitude. We respect her, trust her, listen to her, and talk to her often. We also laugh a lot.

[albeto.]

For unrelated reasons, we stopped using punishment as a means of addressing inappropriate behavior. We did this with the oldest, and the youngers just never grew up with it. I think it made a huge difference because we could get to the root of the problem and fix it, rather than continually redesign an environment in which one person was in charge. We're a team, dysfunctional as it may be, and that's one thing that makes it feel real as opposed to being in word only. Also my husband comes from a big "family" family. Not big like number of people, but big like blood is thicker than water kind of big. My kids grew up hearing that family is our greatest value, our most important treasure. These weren't pushed like in lectures, but common enough comments made over the years made it a recurring theme in our family dynamic. Humor and physical contact (hugs, walking arm in arm, silly stuff that makes kids laugh) are part of it. We respect that they are experts in things we are not, whether that's skateboarding for the week, a computer script, or fascination with a band. We listen, defer to their opinions when the conversation comes around, and ask them when we need help. It might seem hard at first to think of ways you need "help" in knowing about the Beatles, but if a question comes to your mind, ask it! Let her share with you all she knows. Don't hold grudges, and know that when they tick you off, it's not because they're trying to control you or tick you off, it's because they're also frustrated and doing their best to solve a problem that's important to them. That's what I can think of off the top of my head. :)

 

 

[Mom in High Heels]

We have a great relationship with Indy (11)  I too would like to claim good parenting, but we got lucky too (let's hope it carries through with Han Solo!).  We laugh, hug, and goof around a lot.  We do have very strict boundaries, but that's just how life it.  We try to make one on one time with him as much as possible, and I think that helps, but mostly I think it's because we work on having a good relationship.  

[texasmama]

Honesty, humor and humility. Also, I parent them as individuals and thus, very differently.

[Tap]

What is working:

 

Listen when they want to talk.  Create situations that encourage the teen to talk.  (dd15 will talk to me the most if she is distracted so I take her shopping LOL I think of it as retail therapy- parent style ) 

Don't try to tell them how to fix everything.  Ask them how they are handling a situation before offering advice.  Even if it isn't how I would handle something, I let them do it their way.

Acknowledge that they do 1000 things right every day. Acknowledge that we all make mistakes every day; be real and honest with your own mistakes as an adult so they understand that you aren't blowing smoke when you say that. 

If my teens do something major that upsets me, I let them know that I am upset, but I do not talk about it until the next day when I have had a chance to get all the information and decide what I want to do about it.  This helps me to keep the emotion out of situations, gain perspective, and lets me think before I speak.

I am the parent who does the driving, not only for my kid but for others as well.  I am the parent who lets the kids hang out at my house. I buy the soda, I buy the snacks, I listen to the music, I play the games when the need an extra person.  I surprise them with midnight runs to Taco Bell and I take them to movies.  Because of this....I know where they are, what they are doing and who they are with.  They are used to me being around so the  kids confide in me and I am considered a safe adult to talk to about sex, drugs and other sensitive teen topics.

 

 

What I have done wrong:

"No news is good news" type of thinking. I have to do an emotional check on my kids all the time, not just when I see a problem.  I didn't realize for a long time that my son pulls inside himself when he is depressed, but will try to fix it by keeping busy.  He will spend a ton of time at school, with friends and at work so I don't know anything is wrong.  Then I will find out months later that the reason I wasn't seeing him was that he was trying to fill his emotional emptiness with 'doing something'.   The problem with this is that he isn't doing constructive things....like homework.  So his grades drop, this makes things worse and the cycle spirals down.  I don't figure it out until he hits bottom.  Now I check in more often and with more direct/specific questions.

 

Sometimes BTDT advice just doesn't make sense until the other person has BTDT.   There are some things that everyone just has to experience to appreciate the impact on their life.  Like having the overly dramatic friend who has the super highs that are incredibly fun to be around, but also has huge lows that suck all the energy out of you.  They become more of a drain on your life than fun, and you end up sacrificing yours own mental health for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Joanne]

Tap's post reminded me of another "did right". I was always the house where the kids landed, my kids, friends, and neighbor kids. It was a stress on my introverted self and my budget, but it was a major parenting plus in terms of being close to my kids.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Lots of humor, lots of touching, lots of honesty and only having a very few inviolate rules.

[LLMom]

I am on my 5th teen, and they all are different.  I have done basically the same thing, and my relationship is good with most but not all.  I don't think you can always do it "right."  You can do the best things, right things, but they don't always accept it.  I did always try to have a listening ear (they knew they could talk to me whenever about whatever), I did things they liked to do, I made sure they had time with friends, etc.  I have a great relationship with 3 (one is an adult now), 1 is just 13 and it is ok, and a horrible relationship with my 21 year old. 

[StaceyinLA]

Mistakes have certainly been made, but I can honestly say I have strong relationships with at least 3 of my 4 adult children. One of my girls is just very different (she's much clinger to friends than the other 3), so I don't feel we are as close as the others, but our relationship is still good.

 

My biggest success was talking, talking, talking; my kids could, and did, talk to me about everything (sometimes more than I wanted to know). I always listened. I was honest about my mistakes, apologized when it was warranted, and tried not to judge their mistakes too harshly.

 

My house was also the hub where most of the kids would come to hang out. We have had a lot of sleepovers because we live far out. Sometimes it was mixed company, but we have an outside guest room so we were able to have the necessary boundaries. I'm a night owl so I was always up until everyone was crashing. It kept kids off the roads after watching movies til the wee hours, and it kept my kids at home.

 

My biggest fail was probably being a little too lenient with the younger 3, and letting them do things much sooner than the oldest.

[G5052]

I try to look for ways to encourage their preferences and interests.  I grew up in an NPD household where it was all about one of the adults, and I had to be like them.  I don't ever want to be like that as a parent.  Especially with teens, they need to become themselves.

 

That means that I do some events and activities that really don't thrill me, but I do them anyway.

 

And I try to appreciate their music and movies.  

 

And for some reason cooking them a nice breakfast has always been a biggie.  We will sit there and talk for an hour sometimes over pancakes.  Lunch isn't the same.

 

They also appreciate that I like their friends and work hard to get them together regularly.

[marbel]

Love all these posts.

 

So far, what is working for us:

 

Open communication

 

Relating to them as they are, not as we'd like them to be (including academically)

 

Letting them follow their interests as much as possible

 

Not fussing about hair and clothing more than necessary (my daughter and I have had a few conflicts over clothing, for example appropriate clothing for church; we've found our compromise)

 

Letting them make their own choices when appropriate

 

Having fun on their terms

 

 

What we've done wrong:

 

Yelling

 

Trying to get them to talk more than they want to/when they want to

 

Not trying harder to put them in a position of making friends after we moved cross-country

 

 

This is sort of an aside but this thread reminded me of it.  Recently I had occasion to talk to a troubled young man (early 20's).  We were talking about a possible vacation my family was going to take.  He had gone to the same place with his parents as a young teen, but they had focused on the museums and more "academic" pursuits rather than fun things like an amusement park, etc.  His parents are very quiet, bookish people - very  nice, good friends of ours, so that's not a criticism of their personalities.  But he is not and was not like them in that way.  He still, years later, remembers a vacation where his parents followed their idea of fun but not his.  I'm sure that's not the entire history of his troubled life, but it can't have helped.

 

 

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

DD just turned 13, and our relationship is super.  Now for that nature/nurture question....has to be both.

 

Communication is huge, and we talk about anything and everything.  The ace up my sleeve is being married to a middle school teacher, who assures me that whatever minor things are entirely developmental for a 13 year old brain.  I would not be the same HSer without that input.

 

I suspect my own dysfunctional childhood makes me a bit more conscious of doing things differently, but that has affected my personality and just the style of how I live as an adult, so might not be so separate a thing from the way I parent.

 

DD being the kid she is, is also aware and keenly interested in what her own brain is doing, and she's always had that sort of introspection, which we strongly encourage.  Having an outside sounding board has been wonderful, the cornerstone of which has been the Child Life Specialist at my cancer center.  Of course, serious illness is not a prerequisite to seeking a professional ear, but in hindsight, I'm so glad we found the resource anyway, and would recommend something like it to every family with a teen -- not necessarily therapy per se, but some safe non-parent source, be it via church/scouts/whatever.

[J-rap]

Sense of humor, lots of talking, hugging even when or after we're mad at each other, knowing that it is ok to be mad at each other because we still love each other, letting the tween/teen have room to make some mistakes without it being a big deal.

 

All of this, word for word!  Sense of humor is huge, talking openly, really listening and respecting what they have to say.  Also, giving them the flexibility to be creative and make their own decisions, within boundaries. 

 

[Night Elf]

First I'll say I feel lucky to have such easy going kids. We've always been close and i truly believe it's because we live an unschooling lifestyle. We have always respected our kids and their opinions and feelings. We've never had to pull the whole 'I'm the parent and you have to do what I say' card. Our kids have always had choices for everything. An example would be chores. They have never been mandatory but the kids have always loved helping with them. We tried to let them try/have everything within our capability to help them, but again, I'm lucky because my kids have never been materialistic. We spent more time saying Yes than No. I spend lots of time with them. When they were little, I got on the floor and played with them. We loved sleeping downstairs on a pallet on the floor and watch tv late at night. When I had to talk to them about something seriously, I got down on their level so we could see eye to eye. We punished my son one time only when he was 3 years old and it was one of the worst experiences of our lives. He still remembers it. After that we knew there had to be a better way and we were lucky to find it. I've not sure if I'm explained it well.

 

The one that has pulled away most is dd15. Once she started public high school she's just become more private because she now has friends to share everything with. i respect that, and it hasn't altered our relationship too much. I do miss our talks where she shared everything with me, but we are still very close. She wants to go away to college for an adventure and i dread that. Thankfully, I still have over 2 years before i have to worry about that.

 

I'm still extremely close to my dd21. She talks to me alot about personal things and comes to my DH and myself for advice. She never got respect from her dad and stepmom and doesn't have a trusting relationship with them. They like to be in charge of everything and my dd felt they didn't give her, nor do they now, the freedom she needed to mature.

[Ripley]

My parents raised many teenagers, and we're all still very close to them (and to each other). When I had my first, I reflected on what they did right and vowed to be the parents that they had been to us. And what it boils down to is the Golden Rule - really and truly. My parents treated us as humans, worthy of the same respect and time they expected of us. But at the same time, they weren't our friends and didn't try to be. They were reliably our parents.

 

We are not the house that kids land at - in the traditional sense. I traveled 4 days a week for work (until last summer) and I was very protective of my days off - I much preferred the kids land at someone else's house, on days I worked AND days I didn't. LOL I'm also a more strict parent, and the kids know they have more leeway (and fun) elsewhere. What's happened, though, is that while they're not over here hanging out ... they DO come here when they're in trouble. I'm that safe "other" adult they tend to come to, for whatever reason. We've dealt with many heavy issues, and seeing how I've helped other teens handle their situations has definitely (positively) impacted how my own kids view me. I can say a million times "I'm here for you, come to me with your problems," but they've seen me in action and really KNOW they can. I've been vetted. :D

 

It helps that my kids are generally easy to parent. That's because we have similar personalities - the good AND the bad. I intuitively know how to communicate effectively to them. I'm hard when I need to be hard, soft when I need to be soft, and have a pretty good read of where they are and what the need at any given time. I'd say that I lucked into that, but it doesn't always feel lucky raising little clones of myself. LOL

[bettyandbob]

I think it comes down to communication. And that starts early. Kids won't just start talking when they turn 12 or 13. 

 

I have two teens (soon 3). I have a really good relationship with my dd. I think dh and I have the best relationship we could have with older ds given his personality and the challenges he has had (He has quite a mix diagnoses, some of which clearly affect social interaction and judgement). 

 

I think from an early age you talk to kids, you show interest in their interests, you help them find things to be interested in and participate with them, help them pursue a passion. 

 

You do this, but you still work on expectations --responsibilities, behavior, educational performance, ect. You have discipline that goes along with the expectations. You also are able to reevaluate expectations and discuss such reevaluations with dc--after you and dh have agreed. Parents should have a united front. 

 

What have I done wrong?

It took me a long time to handle the stress of older ds's issues and younger ds's lifelong disabilities, along with dd's previous health problems. I let my health go mentally and physically and that affected my interactions as a parent. I am recovering my health and fitness now. 

I probably made a lot of mistakes with older ds. The path with him has been rough. I could explain our path since infancy to explain why I thin we are as close as we could be (IOW things could be so much worse), but that would too much here. 

[DawnM]

Praise, praise, and more praise.

 

Catch them doing something right and praise them for it.

 

I am saying this because it works and I don't do it nearly enough.  

 

They are overall good kids and I need to keep telling them that instead of getting upset over the things they do wrong more than telling them what they are doing right.

[In the Rain]

What a great thread! We are just entering the teen years, so I'm very interested to hear ideas of how to do it right.  :thumbup1:

[HRAAB]

We have 5 children.  We are very close to our 2 grown dds and are also very close to our younger 3.  Dh and I were just discussing this yesterday.  Why do we get along so well with our children?  Is it luck?  Is it awesome parenting?  Things that stand out to me are the fact that we have always tried to recognize our children as people, not something less than us, just smaller in size.  We've tried to see ourselves as their guides in life.  Most importantly for us, we always try to treat them with respect, and to never demean or shame them even when they make mistakes.  We accept them where they are.  We don't discuss our children's failings with other people (asking for parenting help is different) just as we wouldn't like it if one or the other of us discussed our mistakes with co-workers or whatever.  We talk (not lecture) about everything (sex, politics, religions) openly and freely.  We laugh a lot, play games, do things together, hold hands, hug and give kisses throughout the day.  We share our mistakes, regrets and sorrows with, and in return they share with us.  Their interests and likes are important so we learn about them (even if it's not our thing) so we can talk with them.  They are a part of this family, we all work together, every member is absolutely important to the continued successful function of this family.  We have tried to avoid setting up that imaginary line - we're the parents, you're the kids.  Yes, we're parents, yes they're children, but we're all people.  We're responsible for guiding them to adulthood.  It's been so much easier to do that without them seeing us as the adversary.  We don't punish; consequences for actions just seem to happen.  We're not lenient neither are we strict.  Just aim for reasonable.  And we apologize when we are wrong.

 

We didn't start out on day 1 with dd no. 1 just knowing all this.  We made mistakes, we learned, we were willing to listen/try new things with our children even if it was totally non-traditional.  Our original parenting ideas were not set in stone; they were open to change.

 

eta:  When my older 2 were little, I used to yell - frequently.  My mom was a yeller, my mil was a screamer according to dh.  To this day I can remember the look on their faces when I would yell at them.  They would look utterly destroyed.  Usually it was over some little thing.  I absolutely believe yelling can be emotionally abusive.  I hated when my mom yelled, my dh hated it so I forced myself to stop.  It was hard because it's a nasty, insidious habit that sneaks in and often you're not aware you're doing it.  But I got it under control, and that was huge for my kids.

[Wheres Toto]

I've been told I'm easy to talk to because I never "freak out" over anything.  So, listening, saying you will talk to them about anything without judgement and then really doing it.  Being there for them.  Allowing them to make mistakes and trusting that they will learn from them without resorting to long drawn-out lectures that do nothing but make them feel bad about themselves.  Giving appropriate responsibilities.  Allowing them to be individuals and make their own decisions about activities and goals.  Having fun together even if it's just watching movies.

 

I made a lot of mistakes around my divorce and the time immediately following.  Not the divorce itself but the way I reacted to things.

[Ann.without.an.e]

They know they can tell me anything (and they often do).  If they tell me they have a crush, I don't lecture them on how they are too young to date (they know the age limits in our house and they don't need to be reminded).  I ask, instead, why they are attracted to that person and we talk about what they like, etc.  I don't freak out when they tell me certain things.  DS came to me once with a big struggle that I could have freaked out about (to be honest, I had to step back and take a deep breath), but I held my calm and cool front.  I am crazy and fun with my kids sometimes.  They know my imperfections.  Seriously, they know that I am not perfect so they are more open with their struggles/disappointments/etc.  I think it is mostly about keeping it real and being someone they can truly trust.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What could you have done to improve the relationship? what did you mess up, and how did you fix it?

I realized that I didn't respond to the last two questions of the OP.  

 

I don't know what I could do to improve things.  Not because things are perfect - they aren't by any means.  But because I'm in the middle of it and don't have the benefit of enough hindsight.  

 

I've messed up plenty of things but again, I feel like messing up in relationships is just part of life and love.  We fix it by apologizing, asking forgiveness, trying to figure out what is healthy and giving as much grace as we can to each other.  I hope that by giving as much grace as I can to my kids, they will extend the favor to me.  

 

My philosophy with relationships is that I can control what I do, but not what the other does.  In theory, I could do everything right and have it be rejected.  In real life, it is much more messy than that and has a lot more ups and downs.  

[Miss Marple]

A lot of grace and mercy.  When I extend those, they extend them back to me.  Humor is very important.  Don't parent by reaction; parent by intention.  You will have lots of occasions to react, choose not to.  Talk about anything!  I have all boys and I would never have thought I would have engaged in the conversations I have had with them.  I incorrectly assumed they would have been more comfortable talking to dad about those things.  However, I am the one they feel understands them the most.  I learned to have a poker face :p and go with whatever was being discussed (if it was a serious discussion).

 

I think it's very important that the teen realize that you are not afraid to parent.  You are not afraid to draw the line.  You are not afraid to hold them accountable.  If you begin this early, the teen years are much easier, IMO.  

 

And again, lots of grace and mercy :)

[Amy in NH]

I have a good relationship with my teens, and all of my children.  I make sure I really listen to what they are telling me, and try to support them in their own goals instead of forcing my ideals onto them.  We work together, negotiate, and compromise to find solutions to problems, and I try to see things from their perspectives.

 

I think the keys are empathy and taking my emotional "self" out of it.

[Amy in NH]

I made a lot of mistakes around my divorce and the time immediately following.  Not the divorce itself but the way I reacted to things.

 

Me too.

[Liz CA]

Honest, open talk in age-appropriate terms

Not pretending to know it all

Laugh at ourselves

Encourage even if it seems a "big" goal instead of being the doomsayer

Gave ds enough room to make decisions increasingly so as he got older and let him fail here and there

Encourage but don't interfere or nag (now that he is 22)

 

[elegantlion]

Ds and I are very close. He's not perfect, neither am I, and he's a pretty laid back kid in general. We are comfortable in each other's presence. 

 

Things I think we did right: 

 

• Listen to him
• Realize we don't "own" him, we are entrusted with his growth and development, but he's a person in his own right
• let him have freedom of expression - he hasn't shaved in months, he needs to, it's his face. His hair is longer, he wears what he wants
• realize I'm raising him to be an adult who will have to strive in what can be a wonderful or cold world. I try to model finding the beauty in bad circumstances and show him how to make positive choices that will move us forward instead of backward. 
• make sure he has a relationship in his own right with positive adult role models (family, our friends etc)
• Started teaching financial literacy at a young age. He has earned the right to pretty much buy what he wants. I know he'll be responsible and it's his own money. I believe this is a vital skill to start well before the tween/teen years. I think this helps our relationship because I'm not trying to start the teaching now when there is so much more going on in his life. 
• Respect his opinion and the right to hold one that is opposite of mine
• Don't play the "I'm your mother, that's why" card unless you can back up the why with a reason
• Take time to explain the whys. He started asking why at age two and hasn't stopped. It's okay to say I don't know or let's save that for another time, but I believe every why is important. 
• Gave him permission to seek his own life. He wants to live abroad. I don't tell him he needs to live down the block and take care of me in my old age. I had a right to live my life, he gets a right to live his. He may live down the block, but it will be his choice, not a subtle demand to which he caves. 
• Admit you're wrong when you are. Apologizing to your child can be humbling, but it helps them see how the whole "I'm sorry" thing works. 
• Treat him well enough so that he'll want to call me when he's 25 and living abroad and something fun happens in his life. 

[MomOfOneFunOne]

What do you think you did right? What could you have done to improve the relationship? what did you mess up, and how did you fix it?

AMDG

I love my relationship with my daughter.

 

We have always prayed together, just us two, from the moment I knew she Was a tiny living spark of life in the womb. We also pray as a family but our just-us-girls prayer time is precious to is both.

 

The same could be said for reading. I read to her in the womb and haven't stopped yet. Now we often read to each other and share this love.

 

jokes! We both are ridiculous lovers of goofy, silly jokes. We love to laugh together.

 

I pray for her everyday and make sacrifices for her and she knows it and appreciates it. She also prays for me (and Dad) and also makes sacrifices for us.

 

Even if it isn't reading or goofy jokes, just something to bond over is impotant, I think.

 

Nothing can replace praying together.

 

Wrong . . . I deeply regret physically punishing her during one period. I also wish I could loosen up a bit. I have one precious egg in my basket and guard it like you wouldnt believe. I do, however, really enjoy the woman she is becoming and we love our lives so . . . Yes, I wish I could lighten up a bit but, I guess it isn't that bad.

My husband and I just had do come to a decision to consider that spanking wasnt really consistent with what we wanted, and figure out a solution. We're all glad it was fairly early.

I also try to get out of my own comfort zone and get comfortable, or at least fake it, to get my kiddo out and about more.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

What do you think you did right? What could you have done to improve the relationship? what did you mess up, and how did you fix it?

AMDG

I love my relationship with my daughter.

 

We have always prayed together, just us two, from the moment I knew she Was a tiny living spark of life in the womb. We also pray as a family but our just-us-girls prayer time is precious to is both.

 

The same could be said for reading. I read to her in the womb and haven't stopped yet. Now we often read to each other and share this love.

 

jokes! We both are ridiculous lovers of goofy, silly jokes. We love to laugh together.

 

I pray for her everyday and make sacrifices for her and she knows it and appreciates it. She also prays for me (and Dad) and also makes sacrifices for us.

 

Even if it isn't reading or goofy jokes, just something to bond over is impotant, I think.

 

Nothing can replace praying together.

 

Wrong . . . I deeply regret physically punishing her during one period. I also wish I could loosen up a bit. I have one precious egg in my basket and guard it like you wouldnt believe. I do, however, really enjoy the woman she is becoming and we love our lives so . . . Yes, I wish I could lighten up a bit but, I guess it isn't that bad.

My husband and I just had do come to a decision to consider that spanking wasnt really consistent with what we wanted, and figure out a solution.

I also try to get out of my own comfort zone and get comfortable, or at least fake it, to get my kiddo out and about more.

 

I was thinking about those dumb jokes . . . She once checked two identical joke books out from the library so we could take turns. Now we actually subscribe to a joke list serv that delivers a joke to our email every week day and she reads it on the way home from mass/adoration every day.

[Excelsior! Academy]

My oldest 3 are 17, 14, and 12. 

 

Talking

Staying up to watch movies or discuss current topics of interest

Taking them out for ice cream, shopping, coffee, whatever, regularly

Being real, letting them know you make mistakes, are human, and are not perfect

Apologize when you need to

Be a friendly ear, but don't be afraid to play the mommy card when needed

Let them have more freedom and less restrictions

Become more of a mentor

Welcome their advice and input

 

 

[AimeeM]

I messed up. She was NOT a candidate for homeschooling and insisting that she stay home damaged our relationship pretty badly.

How did I fix it? I finally realized that she has a voice - and I listened to her when she one day said, "I need you to be my mom - not my teacher, just my mom". She is now attending a brick and mortar private school and our relationship has improved drastically.

 

Obviously, there are different reasons for every family, and my "cure" isn't going to work for everyone, lol. FWIW, my daughter wants to come home for high school :)

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Whoever said jokes!!! Yes, dumb silly jokes. DD knows I'm a total cornball and you must MUST be able to look stupid around your kids. And wrong....a lot.

[kroe1]

I do not want a great relationship with my teens. I do want them to enter adulthood able to jump out of my wallet irrespective of my relationship with them. If they do that without being on drugs, having 6 kiddos out of wedlock, and reasonably happy, then that is just a bonus.

 

What I would like is a good relationship with my adult kiddos AFTER they jump out of my wallet. I would like to see my grandchildren more than once a year. If I get this out of a kiddo, then I have succeeded as a parent or been very lucky. Either is acceptable to me. So far, first kiddo has become a colleague and a friend. I can share with him things I would not tell anyone else. But I would never ever attempt this with him as a teen or young adult still living in my wallet. Until the big leap, mommy should be regarded as leader of the pack, impenetrable to teenage shenanigans.

[Laura Corin]

- trying not to say, 'Because I said so.'  I always give an explanation and the children are welcome to put their case.  Once something has been decided, I won't hash it over again and again though.

 

- family suppers - fun conversation, chat about the news, thinking about family events, just making connections.

 

-limiting screen time so that people are not always shut away in their own worlds.

 

- giving lots of advice and lots of freedom to experience different things.  Making sure that we are always available to talk things through, even if we don't agree with the actions that have led to the difficult situation.

 

- cuddles (Calvin, at 5'10" still comes to sit on my lap)

 

Times I have messed up have usually been when I didn't realise that the child had grown up a bit and was ready for the next stage of freedom and responsibility - I was still trying to enforce rules for a younger child.  I have also sometimes become tied up in small stuff when it would have been good to be consistent on the big stuff, rather than creating resistance on the small stuff.

 

L

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Why ?

Ditto. Sounds rather adversarial.

[nevergiveup]

Didn't insist on an educational plan based on what I thought he should be (did not insist on college).

Gave him the freedom to become the adult he wanted to be.

[Hikin' Mama]

I do not want a great relationship with my teens.

Really? I absolutely loved the teen years. My two oldest have already flown the nest (they never lived in my wallet, it's much too small for two strapping lads) and I am so thankful for the relationship I had with them during their teen years at home. They were a blast, and because we had a good relationship, I got to enjoy some great times with them. I still have one at home and I treasure the time with her even more, because I know how fast it is over.

 

As far as what I did right, I think I got lucky! I did try to handle conflict with a sense of humor. And I tried to realize that when they were asserting their independence, it was a good, natural, and healthy part of their growing up. I stepped back a lot when I didn't want to, but I knew that is what was good and healthy for them. But really, I just think I got blessed with some good kids, 'cause there were many things over the course of their lives that I wish I would have done differently.

[Wheres Toto]

This idea of defining a relationship with your children as being either in or out of your wallet is rather sad to me.

 

I find it sad as well. 

 

I don't want the basic foundation of our relationship to be different based on whether we are still supporting her or not.  I guess she counts as still "in our wallet" since we are paying for her college but she lives on her own, has a job, and is very independent otherwise.  Our relationship is different now than it was when she was a young teen in that it's much more adult-to-adult now.  I wouldn't want to keep it as an adult-child relationship just because she doesn't fully support herself.

 

Maybe we misunderstood.

[bettyandbob]

I do not want a great relationship with my teens. I do want them to enter adulthood able to jump out of my wallet irrespective of my relationship with them. If they do that without being on drugs, having 6 kiddos out of wedlock, and reasonably happy, then that is just a bonus.

 

What I would like is a good relationship with my adult kiddos AFTER they jump out of my wallet. I would like to see my grandchildren more than once a year. If I get this out of a kiddo, then I have succeeded as a parent or been very lucky. Either is acceptable to me. So far, first kiddo has become a colleague and a friend. I can share with him things I would not tell anyone else. But I would never ever attempt this with him as a teen or young adult still living in my wallet. Until the big leap, mommy should be regarded as leader of the pack, impenetrable to teenage shenanigans.

 

 

This all sounds sad. The way you describe your relationship with a dependent dc and the way you describe what you might aspire to have with an independent adult dc. 

 

I didn't have a close relationship with either of my parents growing up. I was obedient. I earned high grades. I went to a competitive university and eventually earned a masters and a professional degree. 

 

Guess what, while I live near my parents I am not close to them. I do not discuss anything personal. Perhaps you are lucky that your ds has a relationship with you now that you are not supporting him. Perhaps your definition of a close relationship is far different from mine. 

 

I always knew my mom was not interested in me when I was small. There was no reason for me to develop a close relationship later. We visit regularly. My dc spend time with her. Would I do these things with my parents if they were just random people I knew from church or the neighborhood. I think there's a good chance the answer is no. At the same time I have gotten to be friends with other people their age so it's not that I have a problem with someone older than me. 

 

I'd like my dc to want a relationship with me as an adult. I don't want them to have a relationship out of obligation. I don't know if obligation is the nature of your relationship with your adult ds. It may or may not be. You may never actually know. 

 

I hope to have a very different relationship with my dc when they become independent adults that the relationship I have with my parents. The relationship I have with my dc now is far better than the one I had with my parents in the same position. 

[HRAAB]

I've never thought of my children as living in my wallet.  I share my house and my financial resources with them, as well as my love, because I invited them into my home and my life.  They didn't come banging on my door demanding a place to live and my wallet to support them.  Dh and I conceived them of our own free will because we wanted a family.

 

It is totally possible to have a good, strong relationship with your children when they're young/teens and still have them turn into self-sufficient, responsible adults.  I believe it is preferable and ensures a better chance of having that good relationship with your adult children.

[Jen in NY]

Can I recommend a book I just finished? I came to it a bit late, because my girls are 16 and 18, but I still loved the sentiments in it. It is written half to the mom and half to the daughter. I am buying two... because I love what the book has to say about mom/teen relationships... but also just about teens taking control of their lives and respecting themselves.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Mothering-Daughtering-Keeping-Strong-Through/dp/1604078855/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391216059&sr=8-1&keywords=mothering+and+daughtering+keeping+your+bond+strong+through+the+teen+years

 

I was able to borrow an e version from my library.

[Hikin' Mama]

Whoever said jokes!!! Yes, dumb silly jokes. DD knows I'm a total cornball and you must MUST be able to look stupid around your kids. And wrong....a lot.

Yes! I lived for the teen eyerolls at my goofy jokes and silly behavior!

[Ripley]

In the wallet/out of the wallet.

 

I really read that much differently than otherwise voiced here. I took it as more of a(n) ... there's a word for this, and I'm drawing a blank but someone will know it ... not allegory, not example, ... but something like those LOL ... so, well, I took it more as a {whatever} to illustrate a bigger point. And that bigger point is: it's all well and good to have a great relationship with a teenager, but the poster would feel most successful as a parent when/if she had a great relationship with her adult child. It was a choice of phrase meant to highlight the difference between teen and adult child; not so much her parental investment pre- and post- "launch" as they say.

 

And I do see that point. I agree that THAT is when I'll know I did well - when my adult children choose to be an important, regular part of my life. Where that poster and I part ways is that I feel a level of success at a close teenage relationship, too.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

In the wallet/out of the wallet.

 

I really read that much differently than otherwise voiced here. I took it as more of a(n) ... there's a word for this, and I'm drawing a blank but someone will know it ... not allegory, not example, ... but something like those LOL ... so, well, I took it more as a {whatever} to illustrate a bigger point. And that bigger point is: it's all well and good to have a great relationship with a teenager, but the poster would feel most successful as a parent when/if she had a great relationship with her adult child. It was a choice of phrase meant to highlight the difference between teen and adult child; not so much her parental investment pre- and post- "launch" as they say.

 

And I do see that point. I agree that THAT is when I'll know I did well - when my adult children choose to be an important, regular part of my life. Where that poster and I part ways is that I feel a level of success at a close teenage relationship, too.

 

Based on that poster saying that her children are not allowed to make any decisions "while in the wallet" in another thread, then no, I do not believe you are reading the intent behind those words correctly.

 

That aside, it is certainly possible to have a great relationship with your teens and also have a good relationship with them as adults.