JAWM: My friend's new health food craze is ruining my Christmas!!!

[Heather in Neverland]

For my entire life I have spent Christmas with my extended family and the menu has always been pretty much the same... Delicious comfort foods we really only eat at Christmas. It's mostly the traditional stuff, a Christmas ham, pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes and so forth. But Christmas, like thanksgiving, holds special family memories for me and many of them are tied to the meal.

 

Then we moved here five years ago. Suddenly all of our holidays and traditions were upended and we really missed them. In fact, we go to great lengths, including special ordering at a fairly large expense, a turkey for Thanksgiving and a ham for Christmas to try and preserve at least two days per year for our family amidst all the change and newness in our lives.

 

There is another family here that we have become very close with over the last five years. They are our family-away-from-family. We spend our holidays together and we have always had an amazing time.

 

Well, in the last 6 months or so, the wife in this family decided to become a "vegetarianish-healthy eater." That's great. I support her in that. But then today she emailed me about our traditional Christmas menu. This will be our 5th Christmas together as families and we always have the same things. It's tradition.

 

But this year she said she doesn't want ham or chicken or mashed potatoes or pumpkin pie because that is all "unhealthy." So she is going to make fish and quinoa and brussel sprouts and a pie that has no sugar in it. She has relegated me to beverages.

 

My kids, my dh and I are so bummed. This is not at all what we think of when we think of Christmas dinner. We would never in a million years hurt her feelings. So we will go and eat her healthy food but it won't be the same.

 

It's weird because any other day of the year we'd be happy to try her healthy foods but Christmas is emotional for us because we miss our family and traditions from the states so much this time of year and certain foods are part of that tradition.

 

But there is no way I can think of to tell my friend we don't want to eat quinoa for Christmas so I guess we will just live with it. :(

[MysteryJen]

I am sorry. And I totally get it.

[Anne]

I understand completely - I would absolutely hate to have that for Christmas dinner.   Maybe you can just "call" it Dinner with Friends, and plan your real family Christmas dinner for a different day.

 

 

Anne

[catz]

I would totally do my own Christmas dinner on another day! Next year, I'd offer to host and have plenty of veg side dishes. Maybe ask her to bring her own fish or whatever "healthier" main dish she'd like.

[MariannNOVA]

I understand. I hope you and your beautiful family make a time to enjoy your traditional meal! Merry Christmas! (((((Hugs)))))

[Mandylubug]

I get it totally. Maybe make a traditional meal for just your family? It is very nice of you to not want to hurt feelings. She has a great friend!

 

Eta, you could ask if she'd be insulted if you brought a couple traditional items for your family and tell her you won't be offended if she doesn't eat it!

[poppy]

Definitely do you own dinner. Have it on Christmas Eve with your kids.  Make it a new twist on an old tradition.

[Word Nerd]

That stinks and sounds gross to me, but I suppose if she's hosting she gets to decide what to serve. I'd plan my own family Christmas dinner and have a celebration on Christmas eve or another day.

[bettyandbob]

It's not polite to impose your diet on others. I don't know why she wouldn't let you bring food you enjoy to have on the holiday table.

 

That said if you are going to eat dinner with them can you make your food to have a nice meal at home. Maybe you can shorten the time you are at her house and/or change the time so you can fit in the family meal you enjoy.

 

I bet her family quietly revolts and next year all the "bad stuff" reappears. My mom insisted on a diet meal one year. Scrambled egg whites, salad, fruit. That never happened again. I eat "healthy" most of the time. But holiday meals are a nice time too indulge.

 

BTW I do like brussel sprouts and quinoa. Sometimes we have brussel sprouts on thanksgiving or Christmas, but we have pumpkin pie, apple pie, creamed spinach and turkey or beef. Why not counter the indulgence with a family walk, family football or a rousing time with a frisbee?

[shukriyya]

What a kind and gracious friend you are to keep your hurt feelings and disappointment to yourself. Would there be a way for you and your family to celebrate with a festive meal that includes your favorites on another day?

[Murphy101]

Wow. I think she is being terribly rude to do that, but it guess if it is at her house and she is making the entire meal...

 

I'd make a separate Christmas dinner for your family. That is what we used to do many years ago before we started having Christmas at our house. My in laws just serve cold cuts and cheese platters for Christmas. :o and that just felt sooo... Not Christmas to dh and I.

 

But yeah, I wouldn't hurt a friendship over food either.

 

(((Hugs)))

[BYE]

.

[6wildhorses]

My parents visited for Thanksgiving, and that's similar to what they ate. We prepared separate food, but we all ate together. It really wasn't a big deal. Since I hate cooking and I was on my own to prepare traditional Thanksgiving food, I kept it pretty simple.

[PrincessMommy]

I understand completely - I would absolutely hate to have that for Christmas dinner.   Maybe you can just "call" it Dinner with Friends, and plan your real family Christmas dinner for a different day.

 

 

Anne

 

I get it and I agree with Anne... definitely make your special meal another time.  honestly, I don't have a problem with people eating healthy, but I think it's rude to assume everyone else will join you on that particular day.  Perhaps you can tell her that your family was really looking forward to a traditional meal, that they look forward to it every year, and that you will bring a "few" things they enjoy for Christmas dinner.   I wouldn't ask - I would just tell her that is your plan.   And perhaps you can bring one item that would make up for the healthy stuff - something like a small ham or traditional pumpkin pie.

 

I mean it's Christmas dinner for goodness sakes, and its obvious the meal is very important to your family.  It's not like they just invited you over for sat. meal or something.  I don't mind people doing special diets at Christmas, but I think it's a bit rude to push it on your guests without any other option.   Even my sis who is militantly Paleo will serve a few traditional items at her Christmas meal for those who don't wish  to partake. 

[Jennifer132]

My sister in law and her family started a vegan, no sugar diet a couple years ago. This year was the first time they hosted, so instead of just bringing their own food, we each brought stuff--hers was all vegan, sugar free, and my mother in laws was more traditional. My stuff was kind of in between traditional foods and more healthy versions (we have some dietary restrictions of our own, but aren't hardcore like my sil). I would just ask your friend if she minds if you bring a few more traditional dishes just because for your family it's part of what the holiday is about. If she is a good friend, I'm sure she'll understand. :)

[Heather in Neverland]

I guess I should mention that we traditionally take turns hosting it but no matter where the dinner is we split the cooking so I do half and she does half.

 

That's why this new menu is even more surprising. She basically said she is going to cook it all so she can make sure it fits her new food standards and could I just bring the beverages?

 

I think the idea of another meal with the traditional foods is a good idea. I know her dh and kids hate this new diet but she does the grocery shopping and the cooking and has decided they should all follow this new healthy diet.

 

Luckily my kids are not picky and will eat what she puts in front of us. I would never ruin our friendship over it but I have to admit that it does feel a bit overbearing.

 

I really miss my family back home right now. :(

[wintermom]

My family and I would be disappointed, too. I guess my choice of drinks would be things that my dh and dc loved, and maybe even had some great Christmas traditions, and we could live off that. We have an annual family Eggnogg party revolving soley around grandfather's eggnogg recipe. Then I'd have a "real" Christmas dinner later at home.

[Ipsey]

I agree! :)

 

I'm so sorry. You should definitely have an Actual Christmas Dinner at your house for Christmas Eve or the day after.

 

We're having friends over for Christmas dinner. They're vegetarians. They're providing their own main dish and we're providing ours (surf and turf), and we're splitting all of the rest.

 

We can all enjoy our meal and the friendship.

 

I'm sorry you can't have both at the same time.

 

Merry Christmas, anyway. :)

[Twigs]

… I really miss my family back home right now. :(

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[klmama]

I think you could gently say to her that part of what your family enjoys about Christmas dinner is the special food.  While your family would like to try the quinoa and Brussels sprouts, you'd still like to bring some traditional fare.  If you really can't say that to her, a separate meal sounds like your best option. 

 

[Word Nerd]

I guess I should mention that we traditionally take turns hosting it but no matter where the dinner is we split the cooking so I do half and she does half.

 

That's why this new menu is even more surprising. She basically said she is going to cook it all so she can make sure it fits her new food standards and could I just bring the beverages?

 

 

If you've already agreed and said you'll just do beverages, I'd probably stick with the plan and make a separate meal for my family on a different day. My concern would be that not speaking up about your concerns would establish her "food craze" as the new tradition for your joint holiday meals. I don't think it would be rude or disrespectful to share your thoughts on the matter.

[zoobie]

I'd be bummed too! :(

 

It's unfair for her to change the rules and not let you make what you want. What will happen next year? Maybe you should discuss this now? You make what you want, she makes hers, and you have a communal meal. If it's a friendship, she shouldn't get to unilaterally make demands. You're not bringing a giant pig into a kosher household or anything allergy-dangerous.

 

I would make the traditional meal for my family later. Hers for lunch, yours dinner? I have to do that if we eat at my dad's because my stepmother is a lovely person but terrible cook! ;)

[PrincessMommy]

If you've already agreed and said you'll just do beverages, I'd probably stick with the plan and make a separate meal for my family on a different day. My concern would be that not speaking up about your concerns would establish her "food craze" as the new tradition for your joint holiday meals. I don't think it would be rude or disrespectful to share your thoughts on the matter.

 

I agree.  If she's really your friend she should be able to take it.   Why walk on eggshells when she clearly has not given you the same consideration.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[Spring Flower]

I can understand missing your family. It can be so lonely! :grouphug:

 

We don't live out of the country but we have been far from home ever since our children were born. We have enjoyed making our own family traditions and preparing our own festive meals. It felt awkward and weird at first but now I love it! I remember my mom preparing a big meal and making everything special and now I see myself in that role. I feel all grown up!

 

 

[marbel]

If you've already agreed and said you'll just do beverages, I'd probably stick with the plan and make a separate meal for my family on a different day. My concern would be that not speaking up about your concerns would establish her "food craze" as the new tradition for your joint holiday meals. I don't think it would be rude or disrespectful to share your thoughts on the matter.

 

I understand too, and I'd be upset. 

 

I wonder if she does not want you to bring "unhealthy" food because her family will prefer yours to hers!

 

Years ago my family had a big Christmas party every year and I went all out with appetizers.  I have fond memories of the husband of one of my friends. He rarely got meat or other foods he liked because she preferred healthy vegetarian cooking.  He loved my party (if I do say so myself :001_rolleyes: ) because of the food.  He was always close by when something new came out of the oven.  It was cute to me - I enjoy making people happy with my cooking - but  his wife was always a bit peevish because he ate my "bad" food.  Hey, he could have stuck to the veggie tray... if he'd wanted.  ;)  

 

[Jane in NC]

I think that I would have a discussion on how certain foods are special to your family at Christmas.  While you have the option of preparing these foods on Christmas Eve, I would ask your friend to consider what her family will do next year when it is your turn to host. Wouldn't it be more fun and festive to share the responsibilities and the traditions?

 

ETA:  Just remembered that you were not seeking advice.  JAWM!  So.... :iagree:

[Lawana]

Ah yes. The zeal of the newly converted.

 

Out of respect for the friendship, I'd give her request a pass exactly once. By next year, if she is still so gung-ho and wants to have only healthy foods, even though you are hosting, I would put my foot down, gently of course, and explain how important the traditional meal is, and then cook the foods you want.

[nmoira]

I'm sorry.

 

If you've already agreed to her terms, I'd have another feast day, probably New Year's Eve or New Year's Day as there's not much prep time now for Christmas Eve.

 

Only going by what you've said here, I'd be a bit worried about your friend... this seems extreme. Does she seem increasingly anxious about food? Where is she getting her information? There's *nothing* wrong with the way she is eating, but the stark healthy food/unhealthy food divide is illusory at best. And one can absolutely make a traditional Christmas dinner with "healthy" options built in; it's a pity she didn't consider that. A good friend has prepared a menu that includes satisfying options for her vegan sister and BIL as well as for the carnivores in the family and a pescatarian nephew. Everyone appreciates her (relatively small as it turned out) extra effort.

[Ellie]

Now, see, with a really good friend, you should be able to say, "Honey, I'm glad you're wanting to improve your diet, but I gotta tell you that my family and I are totally not into quinoa. Suppose we each bring/prepare smaller amounts of our family's favorite food, put everything on the table, and let people have at it? Then we can still keep our family traditions."

[Lurker]

I would do dinner with my family separately and then meet with the other family either before or after to spend time together

[OrganicAnn]

That's the way it goes with families or with friends.    My in-laws don't have the same food that I'm used to on Christmas.   So we have to decide what is important to us.   So we move my favorite holiday food to other days and let the person hosting the meal have what ever they want.   

 

It is hard for us because my In-laws are divorced.   So one does Christmas eve and the other does Christmas day dinner.   It leaves little time for my side of the family.   

 

But you can survive quinoa and fish (fish is traditional in Italian Christmas meals).     

[Guest]

I'm with the others who said I would still have my ham and mashed potatoes at home with my family.  :grouphug:

[OhanaBee]

I could see my mom doing something like your friend is for a "healthy" Christmas dinner.  And by pointedly telling you to bring just the beverages, I think she's already let you know that she doesn't want any extra food.  Perhaps she *is* worried that her family will prefer traditional non-healthy food to hers.  If this were my mom doing this then she would NOT be happy with the suggestion of more food - more, NON healthy food - because she sees it as her role to make sure all of us are healthy and happy for the New Year.  Ok, yes....my mom HAS had Christmas dinners like this and no one but she has been happy with the results. 

 

I agree with the suggestion to just go along with it this year [after planning your own real Christmas dinner at your house to be held at a different time] and then make it clear next year [if she's still as on fire for the fish and bird seed dinner] that your family needs to have traditional Christmas food for their own health and emotional well being.

 

Good luck!

[trulycrabby]

Definitely have your own Christmas dinner if possible. Maybe you could sneak a Buche de Noel over in your handbag in case the troops start grumbling over the brussels sprouts...

[forty-two]

I know her dh and kids hate this new diet but she does the grocery shopping and the cooking and has decided they should all follow this new healthy diet.

 

 

 

I wonder if she does not want you to bring "unhealthy" food because her family will prefer yours to hers!

  

 

Perhaps she *is* worried that her family will prefer traditional non-healthy food to hers. 

That was my thought, too - that her family wouldn't eat her food if they had other (better, to them) options.

 

You're a kind friend to roll with it even though it bothers you so much :grouphug:. I hope you and your family enjoy both your dinner with friends and your other, more traditional Christmas dinner :).

[saw]

I think the beverages you bring should include eggnog, milkshakes, root beer floats, and soda (I'm thinking Cokes and Mountain Dew, anything with lots of caffeine).

Seriously though, you're being a good friend, and I hope you can find time for a traditional meal for your family.

[Murphy101]

I am very big into my whole30 but I'd never ruin someone else's holiday, even my own dh and kids, to force everyone to eat my whole30 compliant. It's my duty to make my own food choices regardless of what is served. Unless there's a dangerous health hazard, there's no reason not to serve a meal everyone well have fond memories of.

 

If she's really that great a friend, I'd nicely suggest that you would really love to bring some of your family's traditional favorites.

 

I guess she might be scared no one will eat her food if you do that? Idk how valid that is. But if she is a good cook and you all at least put some on your plate to taste, I don't see a problem.

 

And I'd never serve food I didn't think people would want to eat for a holiday feast get together. I remember the holiday tables more than any gifts. So do my kids and dh. We could skip gifts and not be too upset, but no cherry bread? No cornbread dressing? No pie? That's just about the saddest holiday we can imagine. For us, gathering for hours over a meal IS what makes it a holiday. Well and Jesus of course, but you know what I mean. :)

[In The Great White North]

We have an annual family Eggnogg party revolving soley around grandfather's eggnogg recipe.

Recipe please :)

 

For the record, I think quinoa and Brussels sprouts are just about inedible. You have my sympathy.

[countrygal]

I'm sorry :grouphug:  But I think if she's truly your friend she'll understand and allow you to bring a couple things that your family likes. She doesn't have to eat it, and maybe skip meat if it's that upsetting for her.

[SKL]

It will be fine.  Just enjoy the company and don't think of it as Christmas dinner.  Have your own Christmas dinner at home.  Thankfully ham is a lot easier to cook than turkey.  ;)  Not sure what you will do next Thanksgiving . . . maybe just plan to do it separately next year and share some other meal instead.  :)

 

She sounds like a Born Again Cruncher (my own invented term not intended to offend anyone!) and maybe she'll tone it down eventually, or maybe her husband will put his foot down one day.

[SKL]

I like quinoa.  :)  And Brussels sprouts.  :)

[Parrothead]

Do your own dinner earlier or later in the day.  Or on Christmas Eve.  That way you get the tradition and time with your friend. You and your family can laugh about it for years to come as "that Christmas we had the health food at Susan's".

[Murphy101]

I'd totally come to your holiday party because I'm sure you'd serve me great food (and not disgusting quinoa).

 

I love Brussel's sprouts. I love fish. I hate qunioa. But NOBODY messes with tradition damn it!

 

:laugh:

I hate quinoa too. I wouldn't really care what she made tho. It's the insistence that it be the only things made that would seem ...idk... Off-putting to me. No matter what I've served I've always told my guest that they don't have to bring anything, but they can bring anything they would like too. Especially for a holiday dinner. Special foods and holiday memories typically go together.

[Liz CA]

I get the holiday tradition and memory thing - I have some as well. But sometimes, maybe we are forced to let the traditions be traditions to focus on the real gift.

Now to the practical end of things: Can you eat at her house and then go in the evening or later to eat your kind of food? Can you eat your kind of food on Christmas Eve or the on the 26th and make this your Christmas celebration?

There have been two distinctly different celebration types in our family. I have brought over some European traditions that dh and I wanted to uphold and then we had Christmas at his parents' house with totally different foods.

[SKL]

At least she's letting you bring the drinks!  She could have made everyone drink blue algae smoothie....

[Ellie]

I hate quinoa too. I wouldn't really care what she made tho. It's the insistence that it be the only things made that would seem ...idk... Off-putting to me. No matter what I've served I've always told my guest that they don't have to bring anything, but they can bring anything they would like too. Especially for a holiday dinner. Special foods and holiday memories typically go together.

 

:iagree: ...especially about the insistence. :huh:

 

If I'm having a group of people over to share a special event such as Thanksgiving or Christmas, I usually make it somewhat of a potluck; that is, we're a small enough group that I don't have to make food assignments (like our dear friend Marney does), but people are welcome to bring a side dish to share.

 

If I'm serving dinner and inviting people as guests, I make all the choices, but knowing my guests, I would not make them eat anything radical, KWIM?

[Melissa in Australia]

It will be fine.  Just enjoy the company and don't think of it as Christmas dinner.  Have your own Christmas dinner at home.  Thankfully ham is a lot easier to cook than turkey.  ;)  Not sure what you will do next Thanksgiving . . . maybe just plan to do it separately next year and share some other meal instead.  :)

 

She sounds like a Born Again Cruncher (my own invented term not intended to offend anyone!) and maybe she'll tone it down eventually, or maybe her husband will put his foot down one day.

 

love that term :lol:

 

I know people who so fit that term

[DianeW88]

Wow, she's rude.  She doesn't get to dictate what your family will eat, and make a wholesale change of the menu without so much as "Would you mind if..."

I'd call her back and say, "You know, I appreciate that you want to eat healthy foods for the holiday, but quinoa and brussels sprouts don't really scream, 'Merry Christmas' to me, so we'll be bringing some favorite foods that our family will enjoy."

 

She probably knows that her family is going to be looking wistfully at the mashed potatoes and turkey, so that's why she's made the meal decision for you...but seriously...that is not cool, and not fair.

[Joanne]

That stinks. I would feel the same way.