I'm tired of being "poor" (JAWM)

[shinyhappypeople]

JAWM  

 

Even though we're not really poor.  I get that. (150% of FPL, family of 4 - there, you now know our income if you google) We can pay our mortgage and buy food and (with sacrifice and careful planning) splurge for extracurriculars for our kids.

 

But, no we can't afford $350 for the local drama camp, and I'm tired of my friends harping about "It's not that expensive!  You can make it work!"  (The person in question means well, but... ugh... she has no clue).

 

We can't afford $120 for a an official swim team parka (choke) or even $80 for a warm-up suit.  $30 for the sweatshirt is pushing it, but maybe I dip into our grocery budget... And don't get me started on "either come to the fundraiser dinner for $50 per person or buy your way out of the volunteer requirements for $200.  I thought volunteering was about giving TIME even if you don't have extra money.  I was wrong.

 

And YES, absolutely, my kids would love to do every dance class offered, but $50 multiplied by, well, ANYTHING is just too much at this point.  It's not "only" $30/40/50 dollars.  It's "Is there something that I can cut from our budget to make this work, and will we get enough bang for our buck to make it worthwhile?"

 

I'm tired.

 

I'm tired of being around homeschoolers who live in a totally different economic reality than I do.

 

They're lovely people and, in many ways, good friends.  But, I don't know how to make them UNDERSTAND.

 

Thank you for listening to my vent.

[Truscifi]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I know how you feel. It stinks.

[Mergath]

:grouphug:   Not being able to afford everything sucks.  Been there more times than I care to think about.  You sit there and tell yourself that it's just extra stuff, and you don't really need it, but then when you see that you're the only one who couldn't afford it, it sucks all over again. :(  I don't have anything I can say that will make you feel better, but you're definitely not alone.

[elegantlion]

Yeah, I get it. We can't even do extras at this point. I get tired of people throwing expenses of time or money into activities AFTER you've already committed. I feel like an ogre when I want to know exactly how much something is going to cost up front, including shirts and snacks etc. 

 

I thought when we moved to a smaller town there would be more things for kids to do. Instead they are all tied to the school system after a certain age or people drive to next cities 30 minutes away. I moved here to NOT drive 30 minutes for every frickin' activity. 

[mommymilkies]

I hear you. Sometimes we don't quite meet the "paying bills and for food" mark, and with child support stopped from my deadbeat ex, it'll only get worse. We make sacrifices for extracurricular a, but I can't afford the soccer pictures or suzuki shirt (non profit cheap violin program we were lucky to make it into! Woot!), the pop at restaurants, etc. All first world problems, but don't feel bad about complaining.

[jrn]

:grouphug:  I know how you feel.

[caitlinsmom]

I understand completely. I wish we had a disposable income of even $100 but that isn't our situation right now. It makes me feel bad sometimes as my kids can't do the things that interest them. I try to make myself feel better by thinking it will make them stronger people when they have to wait to get things they want.

[HRAAB]

I so understand.  I have quite a few of those well meaning friends, too.

[marbel]

I get you too.

 

A few years ago my kids were members of the YMCA.  Their memberships were cheap enough but we didn't qualify for the subsidies so no one else joined. 

 

We'd see an acquaintance there from time to time, and she'd ask me why I wasn't exercising too.   Every time she saw me, even though I had told her over and over again that the fees were just too high for us. She couldn't seem to comprehend that.   It's the lack of understanding (and refusal to just shut up) that gets to me.  

[Tap]

Yep, it is hard. And honestly, it is the hardest when there isn't the money at all. Like you said, you aren't deciding between a great vacation and classes....it is food. A basic necessity.



We no longer home school, but dd struggles with the economic differences between her friends and herself at private school. I work outside the home to pay for her school, so without my job and a scholarship, she couldn't attend. We sacrifice a lot for her to be here.

I get what you are talking about, sometimes it isn't just what you can or can not afford, it is how you spend the money you do have. Do we feed them Top Ramen so they can have a shirt or coat with a team logo on it? But as parents, sometimes it is sooo very hard to know what will really make the difference in their lives. Also, the logo'd gear, the classes, the workshops, the technology to keep up with friends, the extras that everyone has...it never ends. You may buy one item, or choose one class but then there is always another. It is like a never ending staircase.

For instance, we are in a hotel suite right now celebrating dd14s upcoming 15th birthday. Last night, I looked down into a pile of phones at the pool and saw that yes, indeed, she is the only one of her 8 friends who doesn't have a smart phone (she has told me this before). We have a younger daughter on the spectrum so having sleep overs at our house isn't really possible. Instead, I spent a lot of money paying for a hotel, so she could have a birthday sleepover that is commonplace for most of her friends. This party......would have paid for her to have a smart phone for 2 years.

Which leaves me to wonder....when she looks back on her life, which would have meant more. This amazing 15th birthday party or the lack of status quo with a smart phone in school. I don't think there is right answer, but the fact that there has to be a choice made and that she can't have a sleepover AND a phone like her friends, bothers me more than it should. I know it isn't the same as choosing a food budget, but since I work so hard to have her in a private school, sometimes it feels like the our financial situation is so far from from the wealthy families that are there.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Yeah, I get it. We can't even do extras at this point. I get tired of people throwing expenses of time or money into activities AFTER you've already committed. I feel like an ogre when I want to know exactly how much something is going to cost up front, including shirts and snacks etc. 

 

I thought when we moved to a smaller town there would be more things for kids to do. Instead they are all tied to the school system after a certain age or people drive to next cities 30 minutes away. I moved here to NOT drive 30 minutes for every frickin' activity. 

I agree about the costs that come after the commitment. That burns me the most! It's not fair to anyone.

 

We had that with a homeschool soccer league...oh it's $105.00 per child per year. I asked specifically, "What else?" Nothing is what I was told. Yep, big fat lie, and we were at a time in our lives when ds's quarterly $1200.00 visits to the pediatric cardiologist were being denied by the insurance company as unnecessary (which was so not true, they just simply were determined not to pay!!!), so we made $400.00 a month payments every month to the doctor. We were scraping to afford the soccer for the other kids.

 

So, the following year when they called because I hadn't signed up, I let them have it. Seriously, just WHAMMO went off on the organizer. She finally agreed that it was dishonest, and also agreed that maybe some of the crap they had begun demanding was over the top. They got their acts together and finally got it down to a one price fee, no surprises which is exactly what it should be. I think the thing that shoved me over the edge is that all of the parents had voted to NOT do the expensive trophy thing at the end of the year, and then the moms with money decided their little darlings just had to have trophies, and blah, blah, blah...the awards picnic in which everyone packed a lunch and hung out at the park, then did an informal thing, turned into a sit-down, catered meal, with $50.00 trophies given away for every imaginable NON accomplishment one could think up.

 

Despite the change, we didn't go back. At that point, our budget could not afford to trust these people again. I assumed that by the end of the year, someone would throw a fit about not having the expensive banquet and trophies and guilt the organizers into throwing it, and then sticking people who could not afford it with a big bill.

 

OP, I am really sorry. I remember those days, and it is not easy to be around people who either have never known or have forgotten what it means to be so tight.

 

Faith

[kewb]

I could have written your post.  I am right there with you. 

[Baseball mom]

I understand all to well   :grouphug:   and yes it is very tiring. 

[athomeontheprairie]

It is sad for me to read this. and so very comforting to know that we are not alone. we scrape every year to be able to afford any curriculum. we grow a lot of our own food and most of the near we eat we hunt or we raise.

it sucks not being able to do all the fun things. or any of them. and because we live so far away from town, it costs me $10 every time we go to town... Do we really need it? or can we wait a couple of days before we go after that gallon of milk?

Hugs OP. if nothing else reading this board should remind you you are not alone.

[goldberry]

I understand...we are doing better now, but for a long time, every thought was compared against, "how much will this cost and can we afford it".  You just get so tired of it and wish you could have a thought WITHOUT having to anguish over the financial aspect of whatever it is.

:grouphug:

[JessReplanted]

I am with you too. We are a low-income family that survives by trusting God from week to week, and living in a fairly wealthy area.

It seems like ALL of the people around us are involved in super-cool activities that we could not afford.

Even the 'community' activities are very expensive compared to where we were living before.

[JustEm]

We make that much per year for a family of 5 but my kids are still young so extra curricular activities aren't really being missed out on yet (thank God we have free kung fu because my dh is the teacher!)  But I come across this from people in other areas.  We have a house that keeps the rain out.  Its getting too small for us and people keep saying "why don't you start looking for a new house"  or "there is a house for sale in my neighborhood($300,000 houses.)  Or in regards to our car (5 seater)  "isn't it about time you upgraded to a bigger car? I bet your kids are cramped back there."

 

 

The only thing that keeps me from getting upset about their comments is that I'm happy with the way my life is.  Our only mortgage is our debt, we can feed are family easily, and can put a little away each month.  I don't need things to make me happy.  I also know that half of the people who can do all those things can't actually.  They are just accruing debt because things are more important to them then financial security

[dbmamaz]

absolutely agree.  we have food allergies which sucks up a lot of money.  Dh started fighting me about music lessons and i kinda agree.  this is why i look forward to getting back to work - dh is always so stressed about money

[LucyStoner]

I am fortunate in that while we are about there income wise we went into it with a plan, a cushion and knowing it is temporary (while my husband is in school/working .8FTE and my son's educational and health needs make me working darned near impossible.) Even at that it still stressful at times. I have a tendency to worry that I am straining my kids the way I was financially strained as a child (we were extremely poor/homeless at times) even when I know intellectually that is not true as we have stable housing and stable food supply and a couple of things we want. I have a long list of small things, some frivolous and some necessary, I am putting off until after my husband graduates.

 

Nothing but hugs and sympathy here.

[Mama Geek]

I have family that have raised 4 kids on 1 income and the mom could stretch a quarter further than anyone else I know.  Her kids were and are involved in church and a homeschool group, but not many other outside activities.  Her family is a tight family who enjoy spending time with each other and her oldest is now in her second year of college.  You can raise kids well and educate them well without spending a fortune on outside activities.

[Guest inoubliable]

Yep. I hear ya!  :grouphug:

[twoxcell]

I totally understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a different planet than the other swim team parents. The only way my ds is even on the team is because of scholarships. In January last year they had team sweater orders and team pictures, both of which I had to pass on. Who has extra money in January? 

[edelweiss]

I'm sorry.   :grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Oops I responded to the wrongnpost earlier!

[Aelwydd]

Faith, how about a 3 day long hockey tournament in January, two states away?

 

Ds' birthday just happens to fall in that month, too.

 

I'm already trying to line up OT!

[Trish]

As kids we couldn't afford any of the things you mentioned. But we weren't poor. Those are the people who don't even TALK about the things you mentioned. I guess poor is relative!

 

But I agree with you, it would be nice not to have to worry about how much we spend! It seems like finances loom large over everything these days, for most people.

[Lara in Colo]

And the stress.....

 

I haven't had a good night's sleep in years.

 

Will the car make it that far?

Can I even afford the gas?

What new way can I stretch the groceries?

 

Then there are the "expected" things that there is NO way I can afford--- I just sent a strongly worded letter to a dentist I went to see -- I had a bad tooth that they put a filling in two years ago that is still hurting (one of several) and they said I needed a root canal ($1200.00)  I said pull it-- they refused (nicely)

I now have a $100 bill and a tooth that still hurts.

Not everyone can afford a root canal.  -- but it is considered "bad" to not save that tooth

 

Now I have to try and find the $ for health insurance that still won't cover dental

 

 

 

[FaithManor]

Faith, how about a 3 day long hockey tournament in January, two states away?

 

Ds' birthday just happens to fall in that month, too.

 

I'm already trying to line up OT!

Oh my word! WHO THOUGHT OF THAT????

 

Seriously, that would make my brain explode.

 

Of course, if anyone plans to do anything much in January or February, they better be prepared to follow the snowplow out of town, or mount a plow to the front of the family mini-van. LOL, planning a long distance car trip is just asking to be trifled with!

 

I am sorry you will have to work overtime to afford it. That's going to be an expensive trip and of course there is HUGE pressure on families to participate in these things.

 

It seems like everything is being geared towards the HAVES any more. The local high school's "don't bother to come to the first day of school if you don't have the following items list" included a $75.00 scientific calculator when the $10.00 model at Staple's is perfectly fine for Algebra 2. That was just for starters. They require all foreign language students (believe me, they don't offer very much either so don't even think about being impressed) to join a foreign language club and failure to do so was an automatic letter grade deduction taken at the end of the semester. Price for the club  - $50.00 per semester plus the cost of club shirts at $10.00 each. It went on and on. The big kicker was that commencement was going to cost $350.00 per kid, and if the parent can't pay it, the student cannot walk and will not even be admitted to watch. The diploma will be mailed to your house. This "fee" was to cover an 8x10 photo that will no doubt, LOOK LIKE CRAP SINCE THEY HAVE FOR DECADES, 10 professionally printed invitations, photo in the yearbook, presentation folder, cap and gown ( again, pieces of crap that can be purchased online for less than $50.00), and 10 tickets since the gym is small enough they have to limit attendance. What a freaking money maker for the school!

 

So, that's the rub...work for your diploma, come for four years, put in your time and effort, earn the credits, and if you don't have $350.00 or a fairy godmother to make it appear, screw you. Yep, that's about right for my local school district. I.really.despise.this.school.board. and the administration too! I told the superintendent (who gets nearly a quarter of a million dollars plus a Cadillac and primo benefits) that we should take the graduation costs out of his paycheck. He.was.not.amused.

 

Back in my day, the schools owned those caps and gowns and used them until they were thread bare, no one needed printed invitations that reportedly cost $10.00 each to have made, your diploma went into a plastic sleeve...no $25.00 embossed presentation folders required, and your parents could submit a cheap photo for the yearbook...they'd crop it down however they had to in order to make it work. There is definitely, in this particular case, something to be said for the good ole' days.

 

I suppose I shouldn't hate my school district this badly. They aren't the worst offenders. Two districts west, one of the schools charges $500.00 for the student to attend commencement.

[Soror]

Hugs! Shame on your friends for being so oblivious. I live in a poor area and most hs'ers I know live very modestly as they are generally always 1 income families, so it is expected that people don't have money, more often than not. I can imagine that it would be a huge stress if your social circle had more money or was at least always spending more money.

[Tammyla]

:iagree:  :grouphug: :iagree:  It stinks and people should never badger anyone who is struggling financially.

[twoxcell]

 

Oh good gravy! Who thought that January was a prime time for this? Not only are many people recovering from Christmas, but in northern climates, January and February are the highest heating and electric costs of the year by A LOT of money. I suppose that's a moot point for those in temperate and warm areas, but up here, NO ONE would appreciate team sweaters and pics during the coldest two months of the year!

 

That would be terribly poor planning in my neck of the woods.

 

I'm glad someone agrees with me. It just boggled my mind. lol Why not wait until March when people have tax returns?

[Mommy22alyns]

I understand.   :grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

I totally understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a different planet than the other swim team parents. The only way my ds is even on the team is because of scholarships. In January last year they had team sweater orders and team pictures, both of which I had to pass on. Who has extra money in January? 

 

 

Same with us and gymnastics.  Becca gets some scholarships as well, and we prepay her booster club and meet fees with our tax return.

[Janie Grace]

I hear you. Dd14 told me today that people at her school don't ask IF you have an iPhone, just whether it's a 4 or a 5. We struggle to make ends meet big-time. Sometimes I wished we lived in a "poorer" area so my kids didn't have to feel constantly aware of having less, but then I remind myself that because of where we live, we do have access to wonderful resources that are funded by high taxes and generous donors. It's a "rich" life even if we're scraping by (which we are). But yes... I get it. 

[Sisyphus]

Oh gosh, I'm glad to read this thread. We aren't "poor", but things take planning and budgeting for- we can't just plop down $100 for a field trip to a rope bridge park or a dance costume, we have to plan. And it seems like no one else ever does. And the prices for activities here are so, so high- because most can pay them, I guess, and it's an area where parents will and do do everything possible to get their child "ahead". Heck the high school just sent out fliers for sat prep classes to the tune of 1700!

 

I want so badly for my kids to be able to do so many of these things too, that is the hardest part. Writing camps and instrument lessons, dance intensives and science clubs. We can do a bit, but it's a struggle and always a balancing act. We don't qualify for scholarships, and we can't afford it either.

 

Mostly I feel bad for dh, who worries about money so much. His job is such that I can't really work part time, his schedule is unpredictable and he travels, so while the extra money would mean they could do extras...there would be no way to get them there.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:  I'm not in this situation now but we were poor growing up (always had a home and food though) and while I thought that was hard as a kid, as an adult (and having gone through some tight times ourselves) I have a better understanding of how difficult it was for my mom.

[MomtoCandJ]

Know how you feel, dd goes to private school (we pay $50 a month the rest is scholarship), we wouldn't have put her in if the state wouldn't have changed the start date (local public wont take any child past the new cut off). We pay for her lunches, but if she went to public we would qualify for reduced or free lunch.

I am very careful about trips in my car to conserve gas, to make sure dh has enough money for gas in his truck to get to work. We cut where we can.

I would sell my car but that would actually cost us more with extra use on Dh's truck (my car is paid off and a lot better on gas).

I feel bad because dd isn't able to do the activities her friends are doing because we don't have the money, though I do take her to free activities when I have the gas.

It going to be tough with another child on the way, I would actually be working now if I wasn't expecting. Now we plan on me not working for at least another 5 years because day care cost so freaking much.

[happypamama]

I understand. I'd still rather have my small boys than more activities for the older ones, and I'm pretty sure the older kids agree, but it is hard when we have to tell them no to perfectly reasonable requests. And it is really lousy when a club can't be up-front about the fees. At least when dd did ballet, they laid out the approximate costs at the beginning of the year, but then the costume fees and recital fee weren't actually due for a while.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

I struggle with my half-painted house, my 1950 renovation of a teeny 1920 kitchen with the white paint we slapped on the cabinets in 96 now peeling off.  The Accord we inherited is holding it's own approaching 200K, and it had better not die anytime soon.  In my insanely expensive part of NJ, it seems every other mom in the dance studio lobby has such headaches with their granite countertops and weeks at Disney :banghead: .  We started on a payment plan a year ago for DD to go to Pax & Paris with the GS...two more years from now.  Meanwhile, the choir she auditioned into is going to Hawaii this spring, for about the same $$ -- not a snowball's chance we can do that in the next 9 months.  It would also be nice to refinance, except a credit union mortgage isn't in the HARP program, and our LTV is now too high post-crash for our CU to refi in-house.  Our LTV, on our 1920 estate sale with peeling paint that needs every wall and window replaced.  It all looks so easy on This Old House.   :banghead:  (I like how these guys are in sync -- needs a sound effect)

 

The thing is, we make about the same now as my parents did at their peak earnings around 1987, yet we're still nowhere close to where they were, even with a smaller family.   That's the real stink.  It sounds like such a Newsweek cover that this generation is the first to not do as well as the previous, but in the day to day, it's true.   Largely hidden, but true.

[happyhomemaker]

Right there with you. It's nice to know I'm not alone!

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

I hear you. Dd14 told me today that people at her school don't ask IF you have an iPhone, just whether it's a 4 or a 5. We struggle to make ends meet big-time. Sometimes I wished we lived in a "poorer" area so my kids didn't have to feel constantly aware of having less, but then I remind myself that because of where we live, we do have access to wonderful resources that are funded by high taxes and generous donors. It's a "rich" life even if we're scraping by (which we are). But yes... I get it. 

 

 

Reminds me of DD's recent dance class -- teacher said "you can all video my feet to get the steps if you want to" and DD is the only one who doesn't whip a phone out of her bag.  But I also would miss being less than an hour from the Met, and I'm immensely grateful that DD can sing with NJYC, so I suck it up.

[Renee in NC]

I have family that have raised 4 kids on 1 income and the mom could stretch a quarter further than anyone else I know.  Her kids were and are involved in church and a homeschool group, but not many other outside activities.  Her family is a tight family who enjoy spending time with each other and her oldest is now in her second year of college.  You can raise kids well and educate them well without spending a fortune on outside activities.

 

When we were broke (broker than broke!) we couldn't afford the homeschool group's activities.  Church activities cost money too.  Scouts and AHG can be expensive.  My kids were not able to participate much.

 

They finally made friends when they went to school.  It was hard, and I am not sure it was worth it.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

I am thinking a lot of you need new friends.

 

But we struggle too. It is rough. I was so excited because it looked like we were going to get to pay day with a few hundred dollars left.....and my car needed a repair. Thanks to dh working on it until 2:00 a.m it cost $300 instead probably double that.....but there goes any extra we had this pay period.

[Scarlett]

Double post

[MomtoCandJ]

I am thinking a lot of you need new friends.

 

But we struggle too. It is rough. I was so excited because it looked like we were going to get to pay day with a few hundred dollars left.....and my car needed a repair. Thanks to dh working on it until 2:00 a.m it cost $300 instead probably double that.....but there goes any extra we had this pay period.

I can relate, we have extra this pay period as well but we have to save for an alignment and 4 new tires on my car and any extra after that we have to save for dd's birthday, Christmas and the baby. Usually Dh's pay check he gets on the 15th is the bigger check and when we pay the smaller bills. The 30th always sucks since that's when we pay the big three (house and truck payments and cell phone bill.) after those three we don't have much left.

[Freckles]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I feel your pain!

[Lisbeth]

I grew up poor but live in affluent community now. We are enrichment heavy with the kids, and to them that is their norm. I tend to give them all I lacked.

Read up on "super zipcodes." Or the growing huge divide in the contry - it is not just monetarily-based. It is a huge cultural and educational divide.

It probably means big trouble sometime down the line.

[Lisbeth]

Sorry for the phone typos. Grrrr.