Being overprotective or just using common sense?

[Only me]

My 18 year old daughter is a fairly new driver (has had her license for a little less than a year).  My dh have been having a disagreement over how to handle the following situation: 

 

My daughter is on a women's hockey team that is a 45 minute drive from our house.  It is in an area that she isn't very familiar with and also isn't in the best area.  There are good parts of town and bad parts of town and this is in between.  Her games and practices usually get out around 10:00 or so.  She is the youngest on the team and all the other women are in their 30's and up.  They all stay in the locker room afterward to have a few beers.  She leaves as soon as she changes so this means that no one else is leaving at the same time that she is.  By the time she leaves there are no other activities going on at the rink.  The parking lot isn't well lit and sometimes when it is full when we get there we need to park down the street.  Actually at the last practice the lights were off so we had to walk in the dark.  I have been driving her too and from practices.  I stay upstairs in a lobby where I can watch her play games.  A few of the husbands or boyfriends also watch and the team has no problem with me watching.  I also enjoy watching dd play.   My husband thinks that I am babying her by driving her to the games and practices and that she should be going by herself.  If this was in the daytime or in a different area this would be fine but I don't feel that it is safe.  My daughter also doesn't feel comfortable walking to the parking lot alone this late at night.  I realize that next year when she goes away to colleges there will be times that she will be walking back to her dorms late, etc. but usually there are other students around.  My husband feels that this is something that an adult just needs to deal with yet I remember when I was working at a mall as a teenager they always told us to never leave alone.  I realize that this isn't a big parking lot but I still don't think it is the best idea.  Do you think I'm being over protective or just using common sense?

[Parrothead]

Well, I can tell you from the POV of an ex-cop that you are being the smart on in this situation. This is the same reason people (particularly women) are told if they don't feel safe to get a safety office to walk them to their car when leaving the mall at night. Remember in less than ideal situations to carry your keys in your hand with the key between your fingers to use as a weapon if you have to take a punch at someone who tried to take advantage of two women walking alone.

 

Also remember to check your backseat before getting into your vehicle. Be aware of your surroundings and walk with a purpose.

[Catwoman]

Sounds to me like you're a great mom with a lot of common sense. :)

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I do not think you are wrong at all. Also, most colleges have security that will escort and give rides to students.

[regentrude]

At the very least she should be the one doing the driving, so she gets the practice and becomes familiar with the area- even if you want to come along.

 

I guess I am in the minority, but I would expect an adult to drive herself to her sports activities and not being chaperoned by mom, so I'd be inclined to agree with your DH.

I just asked my DD, and she said she'd find it weird.

 

[Only me]

Actually she does the driving so that isn't the issue.  My only issue is the fact that she is alone in the dark parking in an unfamiliar and somewhat unsafe area. 

[nd293]

I think it's common sense. I recently skipped going to see a film festival film I wanted to see because of the issues you mentioned - questionable area of town, I'd have to walk to the parking, I'd be alone and it would be at night. I was disappointed but it was the only sensible decision. Your dd doesn't have the option to skip going, and if she admits she doesn't feel comfortable, then she IS being responsible and 'grown up' having you wait for her. In ten years time she'll be solving the problem differently, but hopefully she'll still be exercising the same precautions.

[goldberry]

Common sense.  She is being responsible by recognizing the situation isn't the best for her safety, and having you there is no different than having a girlfriend with her so she's not alone.  Reasonable precaution.  I don't see you're there because you're "mommy" but because it's just safer than being alone.

[Robin M]

Common sense!  I don't see a problem with it and if your daughter doesn't see a problem with it, then keep going with her.  She could always ask some of the woman or one of their husbands (one she trusts) to walk her to her car.  They probably think she's okay with it so don't offer or don't offer because you are there.  

[*lifeoftheparty*]

When I was 18 I was in college at GA State and lived in downtown Atlanta. I frequently took MARTA all over the city, at all times of day and night, by myself. I also hung out in the "hood" and frequently went there by myself.

 

So, to me, it sounds overprotective.

 

Not saying my opinion is right, but it does seem over protective. Of course, I was driving from GA to New Orleans by myself at 16, and going to the French Quarter with cousins at 16. By the time I was 18 and in college, it really just wasn't a big deal.

 

I frequently read things here that parents write about their 18 year olds, and because of my experiences, it seems very weird and over protective. I dunno, I just expect my kids to be adults and capable if handling themselves at 18 years old. I mean, technically, you can go to war at 18. I was in the Army with lots of 18 year olds.

 

All that said, as long as your daughter doesn't mind you going along, I don't think it matters if you are being over protective or not. Go and enjoy watching :)

[Only me]

Common sense!  I don't see a problem with it and if your daughter doesn't see a problem with it, then keep going with her.  She could always ask some of the woman or one of their husbands (one she trusts) to walk her to her car.  They probably think she's okay with it so don't offer or don't offer because you are there.  

 

The problem is that the other women stay in the locker room to have a beer or two so they don't leave the same time as my daughter.  We live about 45 minutes away.  Most of the women live closer.  Since my daughter has class the next day she really doesn't want to wait around 1/2 hour or more until more people walk out.  As it is she often gets home around 11:00.

[WishboneDawn]

I wouldn't call it common sense exactly...The odds of anything happening are likely small. But it sounds like you're not entirely comfortable with the situation, neither is your daughter and this is just what you guys have chosen to do. It's not a huge issue one way or another n

 

I'd likely shift the focus when talking with my husband and say I enjoyed the time with my daughter during the drive and the time alone during the practice.

[gardenmom5]

common sense to me.

 

I know I've had to explain safety realities for women that dh has been completely clueless on.

[soufflegirl]

Normally I would expect an 18 year old to get themselves where they need to go.

 

What makes me hesitate here is that your daughter herself is uncomfortable walking alone. That's going to show in her body language, and that plus a dicey neighborhood is not a good combination.

 

If she's the one driving, I don't think you tagging along is babying her.

[regentrude]

Actually she does the driving so that isn't the issue.  My only issue is the fact that she is alone in the dark parking in an unfamiliar and somewhat unsafe area. 

 

Can't she ask one of the guys that are hanging out waiting for their wives to walk her to her car?

[mom2bee]

I think that your DD should be driving, and you should be riding along so that she gets used to the area, driving at night and navigating unfamiliar parts of town. Driving really is a critical skill in many places and one that should be practiced intentionally. A LOT of kids crash when they get to my town for school because they don't have enough practice navigating our streets/driving at night/driving in such heavy traffic, etc.

 

I also think that you are right and spot on about the safety issue/common sense. The odds of anything happening may be very small, but you are doing good to teach your daughter to trust and respect her instincts.

 

Since there are older women on the team, do you and your daughter feel comfortable asking one of them to walk her or at least "spot her" getting to her car before they have their unwinding time with the beers? My great-aunt taught me that a lady should always carry a flashlight with them. I would get one that clips onto the purse/clutch bag, one that goes inside the bag, one for the key chain, one for the glove box and one for the car.

 

Your daughter should set the light to come on in her car when she opens the drivers door. Only exit the building once her purse is secured and her keys are out and in her hand, get in and lock the doors behind her. Start her car, text you + dad and the friend to let them know that she made it to the car, is all set, and then put the phone in the passenger seat and drive home.

 

I don't know how you feel about tasers, mace, pepper spray, and/or panic alarms, but it may be worth researching. Nothing wrong with knowing your options.

[GailV]

It's common sense.  There are places around here that are okay during the day and not at night by yourself, particularly as a young woman with body language that telegraphs "I'm unsure about this".  

 

Then again, there are places around here that are not okay day OR night -- one of the top cities in the nation for homicides.  Just the other day I called a friend to ask if a certain block was okay for teens to drive to after dark -- she said in a group it would be okay, but 2 blocks east would not.  (She lived near there and knew the block-by-block tone of the area.)  I suspect not all cities are like that.

[justamouse]

I drove halfway across the country when I was 18. 

 

But then I had had my license for a year previous and had been responsible for driving myself to and from work all that time, at all times of the day and night. 

 

If she has had the experience around home, then she needs to be trusted. 

Look, there are idiotic drivers who are 50. It's not about the age, it's about the level of maturity. 

 

She also needs to be taught how to protect herself. Did you teach her about holding her keys in her hand as a weapon as she walks out to the car? 

[LibraryLover]

I can see the common sense in going.

 

I think after a bit, as you get to know the others waiting, you or your daughter could ask someone to walk with her to her car. That's also sensible.

 

However, since you enjoy watching, and haven't other commitments on those nights it seems a fun thing to do together.

[Danestress]

I guess to me it is neither over protective nor 'just common sense.' I think it is fine to go with her if you want and enjoy the games anyway. I also think its not much of a 'team' if she can't find a single person willing to walk her to her car.

 

Either way seems fine and I don't see a really 'bad' choice. I am curious as to whether your husband has an unvoiced issue with this - that he would like you home so he can spend time with you or so that you can take care of things around the house. Even if he thinks its a bit protective, it doesn't seem like an issue worth arguing over, especially since you *like* going.

[alef]

I think either decision would be reasonable; if she were driving alone she could ask a couple to walk her to her car--seems if she is on a team with these ladies she should be comfortable enough with them to ask for a small favor, and they should understand the concern. There's nothing wrong with being cautious, but it might be good experience for her to find ways of being safe in a similar situation when you're not around.

[emzhengjiu]

I don't think your being overprotective.  I wouldn't want to walk to my car alone under those circumstances either. 

[OrganicAnn]

Common sense.  

 

Has your DH been to a practice and seen the area?   I am just wondering, because if he hasn't then I think you are a better judge of the situation.  

 

I don't think it is a matters that she is 18.   I think lots of women at any age don't like to walk to a car alone in the dark.  

 

Also it is great that you get to watch her.  

 

 

[catz]

If she were uncomfortable, I would expect an 18 year old to be able to ask a couple people to walk her to the parking lot or even socialize for a bit and leave when the first person did. There is a whole team there. When I was 18, I was going to college in a major city walking and taking a metro bus alone. In some circumstances, I got used to using a buddy system. And this was pre-cell phone years too. I'd be encouraging a young adult that age to use the resources she has - a cell phone, friends present, etc. If she's leaving for college next year, this might be a good time to get acclimated to handling herself in a small way. So, sorry, I kind of agree with your husband.

 

I think it's great you get to watch, but I personally would not be doing it every game if it meant 1 1/2 hours on the road.

[Carol in Cal.]

I wouldn't want to do it, and I'm 55.  If I were her, I would ask a couple of teammates to walk me to my car.

[In The Great White North]

Common sense.  Many (most?) college websites say the same thing:  walk with someone, in well lit areas, trust your instincts, use SafeRide, etc.  One does not become immortal on one's 18th birthday.

 

 

From Case Western:  

 

 

• When moving around campus at night, walk with friends or use one of the transport options (shuttle bus, Safe Ride, walking escort, etc.).

 

From Harvard:

 

 

The HUPD encourages community members to be vigilant while walking throughout campus and surrounding areas both during the day and at night and to take the appropriate precautions, such as walking with others and utilizing the various available transportation options described below.

 

From Stanford:

 

 

• Be aware of your surroundings
• Walk and travel with friends.
• At night, walk in well-lighted pedestrian routes.

 

[ChristusG]

Common sense. I don't think it's safe for anyone to walk alone in a deserted area (and possibly bad area) after dark. Much less, an 18 year old. It freaks me out and I'm definitely over 18.

[bolt.]

I think it's common sense to 1. Want someone to walk with, and 2. Be happy that your mom is handy and willing.

 

However, this may well be her last "controlled learning opportunity" before her mom ceases to be hand and willing in similar circumstances.

 

For that reason, I'd very much focus on building up her ability to problem solve as if you weren't there... Eventually transitioning to not being there.

 

She needs to learn to ask for company when she wants it. This is a great opportunity to practice that (as well as the other procedures as mentioned). And it will take practice... And some trial and error. So, better sooner than later.

 

If start with "What could you have done without me?" (Provide no answers, she may be clueless, and she might be quite creative... Wait and find out.) Then transition to, "If you have a good plan, I think I'll only come every second week." -- And on from there.

[texasmama]

Is she laden down with hockey equipment?

 

A young lady after dark in a dicey neighborhood laden down with hockey equipment who does not feel comfortable and might need to walk down the street in the dark sounds like an unsafe situation.

 

When my dd left for college, one of the few concrete, black and white pieces of advice I gave her was not to walk alone on campus after dark ever.

[happyhomemaker]

Can't she ask one of the guys that are hanging out waiting for their wives to walk her to her car?

This was my first thought. Surely someone is available to walk a young girl to her car. I would also get her some pepper spray so she feels safer.

[catz]

Common sense.  Many (most?) college websites say the same thing:  walk with someone, in well lit areas, trust your instincts, use SafeRide, etc.  One does not become immortal on one's 18th birthday.

Absolutely, I do agree with this. I do not advocate throwing her to the dogs at all. But 18 is a good age to become resourceful and develop some street smarts. I live extremely urban and have for 20 years, and I've never had any issues (knock on wood). I know my surroundings, I have back up plans, I find a buddy when I need it, I've carried mace, I do phone call check ins on my cell, I know how to engage the alarm on my vehicle, I park with this in mind, etc.

 

I'm not necessarily speaking to the OP here, but I think these are definitely good skills to be practicing with kids during the mid to late teen years. I wouldn't necessarily just cut her loose (although some kids do better with that type of approach and that's what you're looking at if you send your kid to college without practice navigating these situations). But I'd definitely have her driving the route, talking through where would be the best spots to be in the parking lot, asking people to buddy up, etc.

[mamaraby]

I went to college in Chicago with your fair share of iffy neighborhoods and walked everywhere at night. Because of distance, I didn't have my parents to help me so I had to learn to navigate on my own. This to me seems like something an 18yr old should be able to navigate on her own. So, sorry, but I agree with your dh.

 

Also, chances of anything happening? Really rather small. Her risks are much greater with someone she knows or an acquaintance than some random "thug" in a "rough" neighborhood.

 

I think it's time to start phasing yourself out of the equation. You gave her the skills, let her use them. It might be something she's uncomfortable with at first, but the only way she'll pick up confidence is to do it on her own. I'm not saying you shouldn't ever go, but I wouldn't go every time.

[T'smom]

I think it's common sense. Probably someone would be willing to walk out with her. I wouldn't have wanted to ask as an 18 year old, I would have wanted to seem older or more competent and I wouldn't want to impose. From my perspective now, I'd be happy to walk with someone.

[zoobie]

I would encourage her to listen to her gut about not walking to her car alone, but I wouldn't be her solution. Brainstorm with her what she can do--ask a couple teammates to stand and watch her walk to her car. Ask a friend to go to the games with her.

 

BUT...

 

If this is your thing with her, and y'all have great conversations in the car, I'd hang on to every moment of that I could before college.

[swellmomma]

I think you are being overprotective.  I was living on my own at 18, taking public transport everywhere and walking when it was too late for the busses to run(in the city I lived in they used to stop at midnight but I often worked until 3 am so I walked home across town).  If you are worried about her walking to the car alone could she not ask a couple of the ladies to escort her to her car? I am sure if they are in their 30s they will understand the risk to a young lady walking out alone, and would be more than willing to do so.  I know I would have no problem doing so if it was me.  Once she is in her car and driving away chances are she will be just fine, really it is just that dim parking lot that poses a risk imo and that can be mitigated with the buddy system.  Even if they stick around for a few beers it only takes a couple minutes to walk her out and then head back in for a beer or 2, or one of the older husbands may volunteer or be volunteered by his wife on the team to escort her out to her car and make sure she is safe.  At 18 she should be able to go to and from her practices/games without needing mommy.  Sorry but time to cut the apron strings.

[idnib]

I agree with your DH in this situation. The chances of something happening are very small and she needs to gain confidence. She's not going to always be able to control whether or not she gets to walk somewhere at night. 

 

That said, it seems one of the husbands should be able to walk her out. And something under her control: she should get there earlier so she's not parking far away or down the street. She should be parking as close to the door as possible.

 

 

[Julie in CA]

I am so surprised! Usually with posts like this I end up being one of the most conservative, but this one--no.

I think protectiveness is fine, but this is not protectiveness. Being careful would mean teaching a nearly-adult to be protective *of herself*.

She needs to understand how to deal with these things on her own, not because it's wrong for you to do it, but because it's a necessary life skill. Brainstorm the options with her, and give her the skills she needs to carry her through when you're not around. If she needs a course in self-defense, make sure she gets it. If she needs pepper spray, get it. Discuss options with her:

 

• Hang out in the locker room with a bottle of water until other women are ready to leave.
• Ask for help from someone else who's just there watching.
• Find out if the rink has someone who can walk her out (surely there must be someone there to lock up afterwards?)
• Use good observation skills to determine if it looks/feels safe enough to proceed with caution, pepper spray handy, and keys handy and positioned as a weapon.
• Other options I haven't thought of yet...

In other words, don't give her a fish, teach her to fish!

[J-rap]

I vote for common sense. Her age is irrelevant, but rather it's the fact that she is a woman alone in the dark in an area that she doesn't know well and is uncomfortable in. I think I would do the same thing if we could think of no other solution.

 

I've given my girls a lot of independence, and all of them now have spent time traveling abroad on their own, some as young as 16. However, even then -- I advise them to not be out alone at night in areas they don't know or feel uncomfortable in. I can be talked into compromising about some things but not the safety of my girls.

[Mena]

I don't see any reason to stop going. You enjoy watching her play. You feel more comfortable knowing that she's not walking to her car alone. She feels more comfortable walking with you. She probably enjoys having company during the drive. I don't see how it's any different than the boyfriends or husbands watching. 

[rdj2027]

At 18 I was out and about by myself at all times.  While I absolutely agree that precaution is a good thing as an adult I would not expect my parents to regularly take me somewhere.  In her case I would ask a couple of the other women to accompany me to the car.  I agree with DH.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'd just ask if one of the aforementioned husbands/boyfriends couldn't walk her to her car. What does SHE feel comfortable with?

[PeacefulChaos]

I don't see it as overprotective. 

I really don't think there is a right or wrong here, between you and your DH.  I can see where he's coming from, but at the same time, you like going and you get that time with her, so I don't see it as a big deal that you go (or you being overprotective).  She does the driving, so you are along for the ride. 

Like a PP said, it's no different than the boyfriends or husbands who are there, IMO. 

You can always talk to her about ways to take care of herself if you aren't there, too.  That's valuable.  But seriously, everyone can say 'Well when I was 18...etc' but in the end I don't feel like, for you, it's solely about protecting her - I feel like you enjoy the time spent with her, and you said she likes you being there, as well.  I don't see why that seems overprotective to some.  :) 

[Laurie4b]

SOMEONE needs to walk her to her car and preferably not just one other woman.  She needs to be taught that under no circumstance should she walk to her car alone under those conditions (or even with just one other girl. There was an incident in a nearby very safe town in which a guy approached two young women walking to their car. He had a knife. They got in the car with him. He let one of them out. The driver drove at his direction to a remote location where she was raped and killed. Again, this was a place people think of as safe.)

 

Where your dh might have a point is that it might be good for her to learn to ask someone to walk her to her car. She really must never leave a bar or any other establishment at night alone. She can ask some of the other women or one of the boyfriends. You might have her ask one of the boyfriends a time or two when you are there to escort you both. Then she gets used to that.

[AHASRADA]

I'm 40, and I'd be uncomfortable in that situation. Not the driving, but the walking to the car alone in a dark deserted parking lot or street.

 

If I knew there would always be someone I could trust to walk me out (preferably a large male), that could be a solution. More likely, if he was available, dh would accompany me.

 

If it were our daughter, no question, it would be dh and not me who would stay to watch the game and bring her home, no matter her age. Two women together is safer than one on her own, but having a male in the group is even safer, especially when protecting his own family.

[morganvicky98]

Common sense. There are lots of bad guys out there. I would recommend having your daughter take self defense classes. Probably being in excellent physical condition from hockey, in a mere few months she could be kicking some serious male predator ass. And just having the presence and confidence that comes from knowing you could, will scare off most potential assailants.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

SOMEONE needs to walk her to her car and preferably not just one other woman.  She needs to be taught that under no circumstance should she walk to her car alone under those conditions (or even with just one other girl. There was an incident in a nearby very safe town in which a guy approached two young women walking to their car. He had a knife. They got in the car with him. He let one of them out. The driver drove at his direction to a remote location where she was raped and killed. Again, this was a place people think of as safe.)

 

Where your dh might have a point is that it might be good for her to learn to ask someone to walk her to her car. She really must never leave a bar or any other establishment at night alone. She can ask some of the other women or one of the boyfriends. You might have her ask one of the boyfriends a time or two when you are there to escort you both. Then she gets used to that.

I also think there are many cities where it is not even safe for a man to walk alone late at night like mine!

[AlmiraGulch]

I think there's no reason she can't navigate this situation on her own.

 

I also think that if you enjoy going and she enjoys having you there, and it isn't putting a burden on anyone in the family, then there's no harm in you going with her.  

 

But no, I don't think it's "common sense".  At 18, this is not a situation that is beyond her capability. 

[bobbeym]

OP, I say it's common sense.  She's a young women alone after dark in a not so great neighborhood.  Why take the chance of something happening when you don't need to?

 

We live in a town with a low crime rate.  If I'm home and need to go out after dark, I take one of the teenagers - preferably a boy - with me at DH's request. If I'm out late because I went somewhere straight from work, I call DH when I leave to let him know where I'm at and when I should be home.  DS19 and DIL ride their bikes to work. DS19 almost always rides with DIL to and from work, especially if she has a late shift. Both have been known to hang out at the store 4-6 hours after shift so they ride home together at night. It's just not worth taking a risk when there isn't a need to take a risk.

[bolt.]

This is a situation that will need to be solved many times in her future, many different ways. If her current only solution is "my mom volunteered to come, yay" -- she needs this opportunity to expand her box of potential solutions.

 

It's not that "mom" isn't a good solution to a real problem... It's just that she/you can't be the only solution your dd knows how to use at this point in her life.

[lllll]

..