Do you speak, or do you stay silent?

[Lisa R.]

With all the interfering in-laws and parents on this board, do you think we'll do better? Do you think there could be a chance that *some* of the in-laws or parents might be correct in speaking?

 

All of the questions in the poll assume adult child has not asked for advice.

 

For the purposes of this poll, let's assume the following regarding the question about a child making different parenting choices than you:

 

If you homeschool partly for religious reasons, your adult child chooses to put his in a liberal school.

If you are an agnostic or atheist, your adult child places his in a conservative Christian school.

 

If you are an AP parent, your adult child follows the CIO method.

if you are a parent that had your baby on a schedule, your adult child does the family bed/child-wearing/nurses on demand.

 

If you homeschool for academic reasons, your adult child has neuro-typical children several grade levels behind.

If you are a laid-back homeschooler, your adult child recreates a public school classroom at home.

 

 

You get the idea. If there is an area in which you have strong thought and value behind, will you be able to hold your tongue if your adult child makes the opposite choice? 

 

I'm *honestly* not trying to make judgements here on above, but I'm just using these as example to show contrasting styles of parenting and education that are frequently discussed on this board. I think we are often ready to jump on in-laws and parents who offer opinions on how we're living. Then I think to myself, I wonder if I'll be able to keep my mouth shut if my child does the opposite of what I do and value?

 

Can I do it? Will I do it? Should I do it?

 

Your adult child chooses someone you think will not be responsible. Of course there is no way to tell the future, but you are basing your opinion on boyfriend/girlfriend's past behavior. Do you speak or stay silent? Can you? Will you? Should you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Belacqua]

Too early to tell, but I'm really hoping I'll be able to follow my MIL's example and keep my opinions to myself. We've done things very, very differently from the way she did and would, yet she has almost never commented on it. I know she was skeptical of homeschooling at first, but she never badmouthed it, as far as I know (and happily, she's now a fan). 

 

Because of her stay-silent approach, I've been much more inclined to give serious thought to the very few things she has asked for. 

 

Whether I'll be able to put this ideal into practice, however, is an entirely different matter. :)

[maize]

It would depend on the situation and whether I thought the child would be receptive to outside ideas.

[Onceuponatime]

With my own daughter, I give mild opinions only if she brings up a discussion. I have only given stronger unasked for opinions a couple of times and my grandson is 7. The situations in the OP are not ones I would worry that much about.

 

With my daughters-in-law, I will try to keep silent unless asked for advice, which I doubt will happen.

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Stay silent.  The only thing I might not stay silent for is if I knew she was in a relationship with someone abusive.  In that case, I might say something but if I was ignored I'd then back-off and remain supportive at all costs.  

[bobbeym]

If I thought they'd listen, I'd most likely speak up.

 

Thankfully, DIL is very much like me and doesn't hesitate to tell DS when she thinks he's wrong.  LOL   And with DS being just like his dad, I can't even think of any situations where this would be an issue for us.

[Arcadia]

If you homeschool partly for religious reasons, your adult child chooses to put his in a liberal school.

If you are an agnostic or atheist, your adult child places his in a conservative Christian school.

 

My grandparents are Taoist and some uncles went to catholic schools and remain agnostic or Taoist. My cousins and my brother went to Baptist, Methodist or Catholic preschools all the way to high school and did not convert. My cousins have spouses with different religion. So religion won't be an issue when it comes to schooling or kids future life partner.

My dad is a compulsive worrier (diagnosed) and would worry about anyone, even outside family, and be unable to keep his mouth shut.

[bolt.]

If my adult child has actually made big decisions without asking about my thoughts, I'd assume there was some reason for that. If I'm not already a trusted advisor, I'd be sad, but being pushy isn't a way to change that. Perhaps I'd try to subtly open the topic to see if it was 'up for discussion' -- perhaps I'd just been over looked and my ideas really are welcomed as food for thought or an interesting conversation in contrasts.

 

But I'd only voice an unwelcome opinion if I thought somebody was personally at risk of something more serious than 'not being as happy / successful as they could be'. Such as if I feared abuse in marriage, or some kind long-lasting effects based on childhood parenting choices (substantiated by science, not anicdata). I do have a point at which I would push... but it's only for very serious issues.

 

I'd honestly be more sad to learn in the first place that I had raised children who grew up to see me in a, "Person whose advice is offensive" light. I'd hope that our adult relationships would be more of the, "Well, what an interesting variety of opinions we have" variety.

[nd293]

I wasn't clear on the second question: if it's asking whether I'd say something to my child if they were in or entering into a relationship with someone who had very different values to our family values, then yes, I would. I would want them to think things through carefully before they made a life altering commitment.

 

Once my kids have had kids, whether I speak up or not would depend on a lot of factor, and I guess sometimes I'd speak up, sometimes I wouldn't. I do think advice can be all in the delivery - contrary advice usually rankles to some extent, but if it is delivered in the right way, it can make you think things through from another angle.

[HRAAB]

Stay silent unless there was an abusive situation.

 

So far, I have been silent.  It's really not been that hard.  All I have to do remember my mil.

[LMD]

I very nearly put stay silent to all of them, especially the first one.  But, I really hope to have a better relationship with my children when they are older, in which they feel comfortable talking things through with me, and in which if I felt I could offer some wisdom in a non-judgemental-at-all way that I would.

 

So I voted sometimes, but it should be a rare sometimes!

[Alice]

I would stay silent. I assumed it wasn’t anything abusive or truly neglectful. 

 

I’ve done some things very differently from my Mom and I appreciate that she has mostly stayed silent or I can tell that she is truly trying to keep her opinion to herself. :) 

[Hen]

I would almost always stay silent. People change, mature, change their views- your child might start out parenting one way and then change their direction, but they will always remember how bad you made them feel with your {to their thinking} judgemental attitude towards them.

 

the serious relationship part: I'm living this right now and yes, at two different occasions when there were two big events/actions that pointed out how bad of a choice this person is for a future mate- we did sit down and seriously talk/discuss what we saw- I cried.  And then, child continued the relationship.  We have stepped back and try real hard to not say negative things when we see serious lack of judgement or serious lack of critical thinking, responsibility etc. on the future mate's side.  We've had our say and our adult child will make the decisions that they make.  We are trying to keep our relationship intact, if they marry, we want to be able to be a family still.

[Carrie12345]

I hope/expect my kids will turn into adults who have open conversations and interesting discussions. My own mother rarely says anything b/c she can't stand any sort of debate at all. If she says something and I offer opposing thoughts on the topic, she feels attacked. It's frustrating.

 

In my house, thoughts and opinions are always starting points for "But what if... What do you like so much about that... Do you think there's another way that could be done..." and so on. From everyone, to everyone. We're interested in each other's opinions and how we form them.

If that somehow stops for some reason, I'll be sad.

 

(I do figure there will be freeze-out stages, lol. But, overall, it's our thing.)

[myfunnybunch]

I have young adult children.

 

Sometimes I speak up. Sometimes I shut my mouth firmly.

 

It all depends on the amount of harm I believe may come to them (and I suppose in the future, this will also apply to their children). And I let them know that when I do give my opinion, I am aware of and support their ability to make their own decision. 

 

I believe that my ability to speak up honestly, fairly, lovingly, and very very seldom will serve all of us well as they move out into the world.

 

Cat

[Arcadia]

And then, child continued the relationship. We have stepped back and try real hard to not say negative things when we see serious lack of judgement or serious lack of critical thinking, responsibility etc. on the future mate's side. We've had our say and our adult child will make the decisions that they make. We are trying to keep our relationship intact, if they marry, we want to be able to be a family still.

:grouphug:

I have a relatively immature older cousin who married his first wife despite plenty of red flags. Both him and his first wife were at fault so to speak and they divorce before having any kids. His parents and aunts did talk to him but he went his way. His first wife's mother asked for a big sum of "bribe money" to not kick a fuss during divorce proceedings. Luckily his second marriage is a much better one.

[Hen]

Arcadia,

 

wow, they must all feel like they dodged something fierce, wow. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

You get the idea. If there is an area in which you have strong thought and value behind, will you be able to hold your tongue if your adult child makes the opposite choice?

 

I would hold my tongue because I want to preserve the relationship I have with my kid.  I'd smile, hug them, and say, "That's so nice, dear. I'd love to hear more about it!" And then if necessary, I'd quickly change the subject, I'm sure.

[Melissa in Australia]

well I couldn't vote as none of my children :coolgleamA: have children

[Desert Strawberry]

My kids are little, so this is totally theoretical at this point. This is something I give a lot of thought because I have boys and so many of these choices will be up o their wives in the end.

I know that my children know exactly where I stand on parenting. They won't need to be reminded. If they want advice, they will know where to find me.

I don't have a lock on THE ONE RIGHT AND TRUE ANSWER in regard to education and religion. I know with absolute surety what is right for me, but I can't make those choices for anyone else.

I said sometimes for serious relationships. I would hope that they would ask for my opinion. But I didn't ask my parents and my brother married in secret. Twice. So you never know. I will encourage open discussion, but I won't be surprised if they don't consult me. If I see major red flags, I will step in, gently. But again, it's their choice to make. My parents did not approve of my marriage at all. It hasn't been easy, but we're coming up on 15(!!) Years together. I'd do it again bumpy road and all.

Bottom line, I trust my kids, even when I disagree with them.

[Incognito]

I voted for sometimes on all of them.

 

I really appreciate how my parents don't push their opinions on me/us, but I also would have liked it if they would have talked about their opinions/thoughts with me more - especially when I was a young adult.  I think I could have benefitted from their insight.

 

 

[Hoot]

I think there is a middle ground here that I hope to take with DS when/if the time comes.  Instead of biting my tongue and saying nothing or sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, I would favor having an adult conversation with him to see where he's coming from and why he has chosen X Y or Z.  I'm not talking about grilling him for information, but rather an intelligent discussion between adults in order to understand his differing viewpoints.  My own family is emotionally distant so we have absolutely no relationship with them and my MIL has been 100% supportive but silent in whatever differing opinions she may have.  She does, however, ask questions and seek to understand.  This is where I want to be.

[catz]

I would not give an independent adult child my opinion unless asked. My parents and in laws are mostly good about this.too. They've had a few slips.

 

That said, if a kid was living under my roof and/or under our finances, they are not a full on adult yet and might be subject to some discussions. I don't think adulthood really starts on one day when you reach a particular age. They are gradually becoming adults every day. When their behaviour and lifestyle reflects an adult, they will get treated like one. That said, even with my oldest child, I do a lot more discussions about choices and not "you need to do X".

[Carrie12345]

I voted for sometimes on all of them.

 

I really appreciate how my parents don't push their opinions on me/us, but I also would have liked it if they would have talked about their opinions/thoughts with me more - especially when I was a young adult.  I think I could have benefitted from their insight.

That's exactly how I feel.

I married my husband 8 months after I met him, and I was young and had a toddler at the time. Red flags much? I was aware of the red flags, and I did do a lot of soul searching, but the fact that my family never even batted an eye at something so big... well, it kind of makes me feel small.

 

That first year was hard, and I called my mother crying a couple of times. She never gave me anything to bounce off. Maybe dh and I *are* stronger for it (13 years later,) but it sure made it harder and lonlier.

[lynn]

It's their kids, their life it will be their way.  My parents and fil never said to much to us and for that I am thankful.  My mom has commented that she thought homeschooling isolated my kids to much and did not think it is healthy to not be in a school setting but it was never a big blown up, never talk to you again conversation.

[Jaybee]

Ugh, I voted before reading the OP, so I just deleted it. I don't think I will say much unless asked for advice. However, on #2, we did say something when our son was dating a girl we felt truly was not right for him--nor him for her (it seemed like seriously to us, though he said it wasn't). Later, they broke up, and he could see how the relationship was not good. Now, he is talking marriage with a girl who has a very different background than his, yet we can happily support this relationship and will be able to genuinely welcome her into our family. It caused friction and hurt feelings when we spoke up, and we knew we were taking a big risk in our relationship with our son--and also with a possible daughter-in-law, but felt we would really regret not saying anything if we didn't. It seemed no one was bringing up to them the ways they were not compatible. Our son is now glad that we shared how we felt. So are we, as he is so much happier in this relationship, and can truly be himself.

 

ETA: Our adult children often seek our advice, and our son has talked through this new relationship with us a LOT. Our family talks through things a lot, and I don't expect that to change. But I do very much want to respect our children and the choices they and their spouses make regarding their family life. My own thoughts and styles have matured over the years, and I expect theirs will too. If they ask specifically, I will carefully share my ideas.

[kewb]

I like to believe I will hold my tongue unless my adult child asks for my opinion.  If I thought my child was in an abusive relationship I would have to find a way to voice my opinion without alienating my child.  And lets face it-that is a nearly impossible task.

 

Having my MIL give herself free reign to comment on every choice we make and years of boundry training I am hopeful that I have learned that I need to keep my opinions to myself.

[SpecialClassical]

Ha. I voted keep my mouth shut and then I read the First post. I don't think I could keep my mouth shut if one of my kids decided to let a tiny baby cry it out. I would offer to help in any way to relieve the stress of sleep loss due to a baby being a baby.

[Jayne J]

I voted sometimes on all of them. (Since my children are young, I am not sure how our relationships will be when they are older, but I am voting from "other side if the fence" experience--how I wish my parents/in-laws would behave.)

Short of abuse and misery, I'd stay quiet. If my child were obviously abused, abusing, or in real misery I would speak.

[Hwin]

This doesn't even seem to be talking about young adults, which is a gray area for me, or domestic abuse in a relationship (which is not a gray area). This is your grown child who has started a family. I definitely will keep my opinion to myself. There are a couple of above situations that would involve some long winded, private vents to my husband, but if my kids are not asking for my advice then I will just have to suck it up and respect that.

[Firefly]

It's only theoretical at this point as mine are still teens, but (precluding a dangerous situation) I plan to keep silent on all unless my opinion is asked for.

[Ellie]

I don't give my dd child-rearing advice, *unless* we're just chatting, and something comes up where I can tell she's open for discussion, and then I *might* say something. She's the mom in her house, just as I was the mom in *my* house.

 

If I wouldn't tell a good friend what I think about something, I won't tell my adult children, either.

[JustEm]

I got lucky with my MIL and so did my husband.  Both of our mothers stay out of everything and are very supportive of everything we choose, even if they don't agree with it.  For example, when I was set on having a home birth with our 3rd child I know my mil hated the idea.  She was scared for me, for the baby, and didn't thinking it was a safe option.  She never had to express that to me I just know her well enough to know it was something she was uncomfortable with.  But she didn't say a word negatively about it. She certainly asked lots of questions in regards to safety and what if this happens but she supported it the only way she could, by keeping her opinion to herself.

 

I hope I am able to be that type of mil but luckily I don't have to worry about that for a very long time

[Jenny in Florida]

I had to go with "sometimes" across the board.

 

One of the things I've learned in the wisdom of my advanced age is that there are many, many ways to do things "right." On these boards and in real life, I've met many people whom I greatly respect who have beliefs and practices quite different from my own, and I simply cannot bring myself to believe they are "wrong" just because they do things differently from the way I do/have done them.

 

I've also fully embraced the understanding that, if I want others to respect my right to make decisions for myself and my own family, I must extend that same respect and courtesy in return. To do anything else would be hypocritical and arrogant.

 

Finally, I know that my children are not "mine." They are not extensions of me. They are their own people, and I owe them no less courtesy and respect of the type described above than I owe to strangers and acquaintances.

 

With that said, I also believe strongly in respectful dialogue. I like my children. I hope that, after years of living, learning and growing together, we've built relationships that will allow us to discuss and debate and disagree without damaging the underlying connections.

 

So, if one of kids made a decision about a partner or child-rearing or whatever that was radically different from the ones I had made, I suspect we'd have a chat about that, mostly because I would be curious to understand why they had made that choice. I might respectfully explain my own point of view, as I would to a friend with whom I were having the same kind of conversation. But, at the end of the day, I like, love and trust my kids. So, I would assume they had good reasons for doing things as they did, and I would want them to know I will always have their backs.

[Murphy101]

If you homeschool partly for religious reasons, your adult child chooses to put his in a liberal school.

Probably not.

 

If you are an AP parent, your adult child follows the CIO method.

I'd say something about CIO. I'd also be a bit shocked if any of them did that. No one in this house can handle a crying baby. We avoid waiting for them to cry like they are a bomb that will go off. LOL One teen son recently got a puppy and for two weeks he slept in the living room floor with it bc he couldn't handle her crying whimpers at night. And this is my sleeps anywhere like he is in a coma kid, so he totally could have let that pup cry it out if he'd wanted to.

 

If you homeschool for academic reasons, your adult child has neuro-typical children several grade levels behind.

Probably not say anything.

 

Can I do it? Will I do it? Should I do it?

Idk. Maybe so, maybe not. I don't think it's that simple. It depends on the dynamics of my relationship with them, why they are making the decisions, and so forth.

 

Your adult child chooses someone you think will not be responsible. Of course there is no way to tell the future, but you are basing your opinion on boyfriend/girlfriend's past behavior. Do you speak or stay silent? Can you? Will you? Should you?

Keep my mouth shut. Once married, they're there for life and no bad mouthing is going to make it easier.

[Rebel Yell]

I hope/expect my kids will turn into adults who have open conversations and interesting discussions. My own mother rarely says anything b/c she can't stand any sort of debate at all. If she says something and I offer opposing thoughts on the topic, she feels attacked. It's frustrating.

 

In my house, thoughts and opinions are always starting points for "But what if... What do you like so much about that... Do you think there's another way that could be done..." and so on. From everyone, to everyone. We're interested in each other's opinions and how we form them.

If that somehow stops for some reason, I'll be sad.

 

(I do figure there will be freeze-out stages, lol. But, overall, it's our thing.)

 

:iagree:   Yes, this!  "I give my opinion" doesn't mean yelling, arguing, or trtying to change their mind... probably just explaining our reasons for doing things differently.  For my girls, my remaining silent would probably make them think I either don't care, or an so angry that I can't speak about it.  They know that they can do things differently than i do and I still love and support them. I see no reason why I can't give my opinion. It;s an OPINION, not a demand, right? :confused1:

[Chris in VA]

I sometimes give an opinion. In one life or death instance, I gave my opinion strongly.

My grown kids already know where I stand on many things. They still ask for advice, and they know the difference between me disapproving of a choice and disapproving of them.

They know there is nothing they can do that will make me love them less, and in that knowledge, feel free to risk in making choices that may not meet my approval.

[Night Elf]

My adult child is not a parent yet, but I don't see myself being that mom that can't keep my mouth shut. She has the right to raise her kids just like I have the right to raise mine.

[Luanne]

Having been on the end where someone thinks you need their advice when it comes to raising your child (in my case it was my older sister who has NO children)... I will keep my mouth shut unless my daughter asks for advice.  I know I didn't appreciate being told I was doing it all wrong and I don't see why my daughter would appreciate it any more than I did.  By the way, my daughter turned out great!

 

If I had raised my daughter the way my sister wanted me to, she would be a broken down robot of a person who always said "how high" when I asked her to jump.

[happymomofboys]

My kids are still young, but I think I'll do what my mother has done.  When it has to do with her kid (me), she speaks up.  When it has to do with my kids, she stays silent unless her opinion is requested.

[athena1277]

I know I would never be able to be totally silent on anything.  It's just how I am.  However, once I have talked to my dc about something, making sure they know all the pros and cons of the situation, I would let it drop.  They would know how I felt, but as adults they would have to make their own decisions and live with the consequences, whether good or bad.

[abacus2]

I had to go with "sometimes" across the board.

 

One of the things I've learned in the wisdom of my advanced age is that there are many, many ways to do things "right." On these boards and in real life, I've met many people whom I greatly respect who have beliefs and practices quite different from my own, and I simply cannot bring myself to believe they are "wrong" just because they do things differently from the way I do/have done them.

 

I've also fully embraced the understanding that, if I want others to respect my right to make decisions for myself and my own family, I must extend that same respect and courtesy in return. To do anything else would be hypocritical and arrogant.

 

Finally, I know that my children are not "mine." They are not extensions of me. They are their own people, and I owe them no less courtesy and respect of the type described above than I owe to strangers and acquaintances.

 

With that said, I also believe strongly in respectful dialogue. I like my children. I hope that, after years of living, learning and growing together, we've built relationships that will allow us to discuss and debate and disagree without damaging the underlying connections.

 

So, if one of kids made a decision about a partner or child-rearing or whatever that was radically different from the ones I had made, I suspect we'd have a chat about that, mostly because I would be curious to understand why they had made that choice. I might respectfully explain my own point of view, as I would to a friend with whom I were having the same kind of conversation. But, at the end of the day, I like, love and trust my kids. So, I would assume they had good reasons for doing things as they did, and I would want them to know I will always have their backs.

:iagree: