An update on our family.

[funschooler5]

Hi everyone. I've been gone from the boards for awhile, but I wanted to thank all of you so much for your concern. The support we've received has been just amazing.

 

For those of you that don't know, my DH passed away in February after a short illness. Well, it seems short to me now. He was diagnosed with liver disease in the fall of 2011, but he was coping with his symptoms okay until November, when he starting going downhill, and then in January he really started to decline, when he was in and out of the hospital three times. But we were hopeful he would get on the transplant list until the day before he died. He declined that fast.

 

Since then, it's been a whirlwind of memorial and burial planning, financial planning, etc. But, we've had SO much support here in our small town. DH and I both grew up here, and the outpouring has been unbelievable. His friends planned and paid for the memorial service. We had a month's worth of food brought to us. And tons of people donated money. I received checks from people I'd never heard of before...some were old customers of his, some worked with him only a few months. The last job he had was a work from home job. He'd been there for less than a year. All of the people in his division got together (it's a huge company) and donated money...they sent me a check for $2700! I have just been constantly floored by the generosity of everyone. I wish DH could have seen all of this.

 

Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that we are doing fine financially. We're receiving survivor's social security, and DH had a life insurance policy through his new job (this same job got him a great health insurance policy too, so most of his hospital stay was taken care of). We're still figuring out his other doctor and hospital bills, and we were in quite a bit of debt before he passed away, so some of the money will probably have to go to that, but I have a lawyer helping me with the estate stuff. It's funny, I wrote a thank you note to ICU staff of one of the hospitals, and they actually sent me a letter saying that our bill had been written off as charity, and enclosed a *check* for $90! DH was really well-liked over there, and I think they remembered me going out into the waiting room to nurse the baby.

 

Grief is a weird thing. It comes in waves. It's like your body knows it can't handle too much at once. Now, with all of the activity ending, I'm starting to really get hit hard with the grieving process. I can see now that I was probably numb and just going through the motions those first several weeks. Now, I have at least one major crying session a day, usually in the shower, or in the car. DH loved music, so pretty much any song on the radio reminds me of him. Anything can set me off...seeing a food that he liked (grocery shopping is so hard, because his restricted diet was a major part of our lives the last few months). Any time the baby does anything new, I just think of how DH is missing it.

 

Now, I'm trying to decide if we should move (to a different house, not a different town or anything). The thought of spending Christmas here this year makes me so sad. DH and I were planning to move before his decline in health. With the new baby, we just don't have a lot of room in this house. But leaving would also make me sad too, as we have a lot of great memories here, including the homebirths of our last two kids. My dad has been doing a lot of work on the house. He has some friends that are going to help him paint it, and I've been doing a lot of yard work outside. Once it's all fixed up we'll see whether or not we should move.

 

Sorry I'm rambling now...I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them so much. It sounds trite to say that, but I really mean it. I've never gone through anything like this before, and I never knew how comforting it can be to have other people thinking about me in a time like this. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Tammi K]

Hugs as you find a new normal. Blessings to you and your children.

[Mom in High Heels]

I'm glad to hear an update from you. How are your older children coping?

[Isabella]

I've thought of you so often, and wondered how you and your family was coping with such a tragic loss of your husband and the kids' father. It made me cry to read your post....What a blessing that you have had such an outpouring of love, kindness and generosity from family, friends and strangers! Hugs to you as you continue on.... :grouphug:

[Joanne]

Much love, care, and thoughts going your way.

 

I am glad to hear your healthy perspective on grief.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: you have been constantly in my thoughts since February. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[*Lulu*]

Much love, care, and thoughts going your way.

 

I am glad to hear your healthy perspective on grief.

 

Absolutely this.

 

I am also glad to hear that you have been surrounded by a support network and that you are allowing them to help.

 

 

[TN Mama]

You have crossed my mind many times over the past few months. I'm so glad you've come to give us an update on how you are doing. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

so glad to see this update and so very glad to see you have such a great support system. :grouphug:

[gingersmom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Country Mouse]

:grouphug:

[J-rap]

Thank you for sharing all of that. How many children do you have? I'm sure they are great blessings to you during this time. It sounds like you have wonderful support. I'm very sorry you have had to go through this.

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug: Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you have had such great support. :grouphug:

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Thank you for telling us how you are. Your town sounds amazing--for them to be that generous is only a reflection of how wonderful they think you and your hubby are.

 

Just mo, and you will know what is best for you when the time comes, but I, too, would find it difficult to know whether to move or not.

I probably wouldn't, but I have issues surrounding the idea of "home."

 

Many blessings to you.

[Jennifer in MI]

Wow. ((hugs))

[Punks in Ontario]

:grouphug:

[Splash]

I''m so sorry. It is nice to her that the town, friends, and hospital have been so nice to you. About moving, hard to say but I've heard that it is wise to wait one year before making those type of decisions if possible.

[T'smom]

Just want to send more hugs and prayers.

[speedmom4]

I'm so glad you shared an update. Its sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive community. How are your children handling all of this?

 

Elise in NC

[Cinder]

:grouphug: Wonderful to hear from you. Thanks for the update! :grouphug:

[Starr]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Hugs and prayers. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

:grouphug: I'm glad to see an update on how things are going. The support you have is amazing. I'm so happy for you for that.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I haven't been on the boards much recently, and I missed all of this. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I'm happy to hear that you have lots of support, though. Hugs and prayers for your family.

[TravelingChris]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[texasmama]

(((hugs))) Grace and peace to you.

[ApronMama]

Thanks for updating us. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))

 

I've heard it said that if you can, wait a year before making major decisions about moving after losing a spouse. Unless, of course, finances dictate otherwise. But you know your situation best and I'm sure you will know when the time is right and make a good decision.

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry!!!!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I agree with those who say to wait a year before making major decisions such as selling your house, if possible. Sadly, I have a number of friends who have been widowed, and they have all said they were glad they waited.

 

Praying for you and your children. :grouphug:

[Ali in OR]

I was just thinking of you the other day. Thanks for the update; I'm so glad you have strong support and so many loving friends, family, and acquaintances. Praying for you and your family as you grieve and make your way down this new path.

[*********]

Oh wow. Your town sounds amazing. I can't even begin to imagine being in your position; four children, one an infant, and losing my dh. May the Lord grant you peace and comfort, and may He continue to send good support to your life through neighbors, friends, and family. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[fraidycat]

Thank you for the update. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

I do remember your heart-breaking post back then. I cannot imagine what you and your children have been going through but I am so encouraged how your community came together to help you. This is how it's supposed to work in life!

 

Some grief counselors say not to do anything drastic until a year is over and you can think a bit more clearly.

If you can afford to stay where you are, I would - just for continuity sake - at least for now. It does not mean you are there forever.

[Coffeetime]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[JenC3]

I've thought of you as well and so glad you are doing this well. Prayers for continued support. :grouphug:

[Eagle]

Thanks for coming by with an update. I remember your posts in January/February. I think it is wonderful you have such a supportive community and so many people who care for you. Many blessings for you and your children.

:grouphug:

[ChrisB]

:grouphug: So great to hear your update!

[Lilaclady]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Tiramisu]

Thank you for the update. Prayers for you and your family.

[Guest]

*hugs* and thank you for the update.

[LisaKinVA]

We are still praying for you...thank you for the update. Like the PP mentioned, I've heard the "one year" thing, too...I think the main reason is simply to wait until things have settled (estate issues can often take longer than anticipated). However, I'd get the kids involved in this decision, too. Your oldest is 15, and sometimes what seems hard to us is a craved "normal" to a child. Moving is a big deal...especially if they've pretty much only known this home. Memories get tied up in things (which is why staying there through Christmas probably seems really hard), but closing those doors for the last time...takes it's own toll. *big hug* to you all.

[funschooler5]

Thanks everyone!

I'm glad to hear an update from you. How are your older children coping?

 

My children seem to be coping quite well. My oldest was with us when he passed away, and she was just devastated at the time. My kids all cried at the burial, but none of them have cried since then. I was worried that they were suppressing their feelings, but many of the grief books I've read said that this is completely normal, that kids tend to try to focus on making things happy and normal. I just try to stay open to talking to them, and they do see me cry quite a bit. It does make grieving lonely for me, but I'm glad to see them be able to laugh. And we do laugh together quite a bit. Even about DH, who was the funniest guy I've ever met. The kids have tons of funny stories about him.

 

Thanks for updating us. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))

 

I've heard it said that if you can, wait a year before making major decisions about moving after losing a spouse. Unless, of course, finances dictate otherwise. But you know your situation best and I'm sure you will know when the time is right and make a good decision.

 

Yes, I've heard about waiting a year also. I might do that, if I can get through the holidays. Maybe I'll be in a better frame of mind then. It's so hard to tell right now how I'm going to feel then. We've lived in this house for 13 years, so it's the only one my kids have known. I know we will have to move eventually, as it's only a 2 bedroom. Right now, the baby and I share a room (and it's not very big), DS has the other bedroom, and my other two DDs sleep downstairs in the basement, which is unfinished. They each have their own "room" but there are no walls and doors, and no window in my 7 yr old's room.

 

We can afford to stay here however long we need to. I actually don't even know if we'd be able to buy another house with my income. I have a freelance business on the side, but it doesn't make very much money right now. I have been getting more work though. I also might be getting a part time job later this summer.

 

My plan is to continue homeschooling. This past school year has been pretty much a loss, with DH's illness, and the new baby. We just started back up a few weeks ago, only doing the major stuff I want them to get through. I'm going to try to catch us up through the summer, but I don't think we're going to make it. Having us all together has been so nice though.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: Prayers! :grouphug:

Thank you for the update.

[melmichigan]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

Thank you for the update. I cannot imagine how hard any of that must be. If you are having trouble with the Christmas idea in your house, maybe you could go away for the holidays? Keeping you in my thoughts.

[Laurie4b]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: So hard. I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

I've always heard the 1 year thing, too--that whenever possible, grief needs to take its course before any major changes are made . The stability of the same home setting may, especially for the children, be very important, given the instability of losing their daddy. Holidays will be naturally be very very hard, wherever you are living. It's probably a debate as to whether the grief is best healed in the same setting or not, but you could always choose an option of doing something different at the holidays--visiting someone you don't normally visit, taking an inexpensive vacation, rather than moving, if you feel like a change of setting is really important. I hope you have someone IRL who is familiar with the grief process to guide you. Clergy usually are, but I think I'm remembering that's not where you're plugged in, but maybe there is a counselor in the area who could serve as a sounding board and offer perspective.