Losing a child is so incredibly hard....

[Pamela H in Texas]

NC swears Monkey is adjusting very well. Yet not one picture has her smiling. In fact, her facial expressions have gotten worse.

 

She has been through so much. NC agrees; but they don't see that THEY were the ones who chose to put her through this biggest and latest loss. Well, maybe they do. They have help (not likely she's adjusting well if they had to bring in more help). Three adults for two toddlers, one who has lost the only life she remembers consciously (I have no doubt that she is still affected by the first three moves, what happened and didn't happen in those places - good and bad, etc).

 

But even if Monkey was great and we had no reason to worry about emotional issues, attachment disorders, her learning not to trust that people will stick around, etc....Well, that is our biggest worry. Our baby is going through something no baby should after going through what no baby should!

 

But then there is our part. THis morning, T-lo was standing in front of "the wall of [Monkey]." I didn't interrupt him, just watched him. Finally he says he's looking at our baby. Yes...."Mommy, I miss our baby [Monkey]." I miss her too sweetie. He pointed out a couple pics and where we were. Finally he moved on.

 

I am trying to do everything "right." I'm exercising. I'm going to bed at a decent time most nights. I'm napping as necessary/possible. I'm doing neat things (Pi Day, planted potatoes with the kids, have gotten to shop, etc). I'm doing what I like/feel I should (the house is clean, we've gone out in the ministry work more, visited the park, etc). I'm eating well (miracle). Hubby and I went out yesterday...kidless.

 

Both the other foster moms from our agency in the subdivision have recently lost toddlers too (within the last few months). Neither of their situations were ideal either. We're all waiting for our six months, that maybe in these six months, our babies will come home and we can help them heal from us abandoning them (not our fault, but the effect is the same). The one says taking another baby helps but that isn't a choice right now. I'm also not convinced....

 

I just don't know....I'm so sad. My family is so sad. We just want our baby back and we want her happy and healthy. I simply don't believe she is and can't fix it. I feel like a lousy mom to not be able to protect her from this or at least help her through it.

[Impish]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[thebacabunch]

I am so sorry, sweetie! THat is so hard! I will pray for your little monkey.

[Starr]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Sooo sorry.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug: Pamela :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

What a horrible, helpless feeling. :crying:

[mamatohaleybug]

For me, it did eventually get better but after 13 years, my loss still causes me pain (sometimes a lot of pain). These situations are so far from ideal and it seems like everyone gets hurt. I'm sorry that all of you have. :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Hubby wanted to send them a picture (of course, I sent them plenty before) of her

full of spunk and smiles to show them what "adjusting well" really looked like. I told him no.

[PrincessMommy]

:grouphug:

[Halftime Hope]

Was thinking about you this morning, Pam. I'm so sorry! :grouphug:

[regentrude]

I am so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[Lara in Colo]

The system is broken, not you as a mother-- you did the best you could for her.

[twinmami01]

Sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[caroljenn]

So, so sorry for you and your Monkey. How awful. :grouphug:

[tex-bex]

Huge hugs. How terribly heartbreaking. :(

[WiseOwlKnits]

:grouphug: I can't imagine what this would be like. I'm so sorry. Have you gotten any indication that they might consider sending her back?

[chickenpatty]

How heartbreaking. ((Hugs))

[sandst]

:grouphug:

[Eagle]

Her story breaks my heart. :(

*hugs*

[Dandelion]

I'm sorry you're hurting. :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

I'm so sorry Pamela!

[Laurel]

(Hugs) I'm so sorry.

[Mango]

((hugs)) my kids still talk about our foster son who returned 2 years ago. They remember his birthday, his favorite things, etc. It's hard to let them grieve in their own way when all I want is to put it behind me and move on. He won't be returning to us. But he is back in the system.

[Just Kate]

This is just heartbreaking...I'm so sorry. :(

[momtoamiracle]

HUGS

 

I"ve had a foster baby taken from me too. It's very difficult, on par with my miscarriages.

[QuirkyKapers]

I'm so sorry :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Kat, no. We hope they will consider Monkey's best interest, not just what they want.

Of course, if they take 5-6 months, I'm concerned what that will do to her too.

 

Hopefully, if they don't send her back, they'll eventually learn what they should be doing to help her heal (and then do it, of course).

[Ruby Rose]

Heartbroken for all of you. :sad:

[justamouse]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[mommaduck]

:grouphug:

[CatholicMom]

I understand if you don't want to get into it, but I'm curious as to why she was pulled from your home? I have considered fostering at some point in the future, but I don't know if I could handle it emotionally for reasons like this.

 

So sorry you are going through this. I can imagine my kids reacting the same way if it were my family. How incredibly difficult. :sad:

[Heather in Neverland]

I am so very sorry.

[Scarlett]

I understand if you don't want to get into it, but I'm curious as to why she was pulled from your home? I have considered fostering at some point in the future, but I don't know if I could handle it emotionally for reasons like this.

 

So sorry you are going through this. I can imagine my kids reacting the same way if it were my family. How incredibly difficult. :sad:

 

Fictive kin. A term I had never heard of....but that is why the baby was pulled from Pamela.

[Hannah]

Oh, my heart is breaking for Monkey and for you and your family. This is so, so wrong and so sad. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

CatholicMom, the state tries to put kids back with their parents first (not an option in Monkey's case), then with kin (she actually was with grandparents at one point), then will pursue a "nonrelative adoption." Well, many states (not NC, btw) recognize "fictive kin." Fictive kin is when a person is related to the family in some way. 15 years ago, we had a sibling set this way. We knew the children (in fact, they were living with us when legally pulled from mom's custody). Sometimes it can be a close family friend. It can be a relative of a relative (like by marriage a few times). That is what happened with Monkey. It is as if you were raised by your mother's brother's wife's sister.

 

CatholicMom, I do want to say that we've had 30 kids through our home in the last few years. We adopted 3 of them. For the rest of them, it may have been hard to see most of them go; but we have been okay with the plan. We wish the kids the best, cry for a few minutes to couple days, and move on. We look back at pictures fondly and are glad they were here. We are glad we could have them as part of our lives.

 

This was the first time we disagreed with the plan. It simply wasn't in Monkey's best interest and we consider her our child with every ounce of our beings. She is our daughter, sister, everything. The two together is simply heartbreaking and if it happens to you, you'll know a pain like no other.

 

But....But....I wouldn't have given up one minute of being Monkey's mama though I'm in so much pain now.

 

Here's a song for ya:

 

Looking back on the memory of

the dance we shared 'neath the stars above;

For a moment all the world was right.

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

 

And now, I'm glad I didn't know

the way it all would end, the way it all would go.

Our lives are better left to chance;

I could have missed the pain,

but I'd have had to miss the dance.

 

Holding you I held everything.

For a moment wasn't I the king

If I'd only known how the king would fall,

Hey, who's to say - you know I might have changed it all.

 

And now, I'm glad I didn't know

the way it all would end, the way it all would go.

Our lives are better left to chance;

I could have missed the pain,

but I'd have had to miss the dance.

 

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[GailV]

:grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

[mumto2]

:grouphug:

[Spryte]

So, so sorry for the pain you are all living through... :grouphug:

[NoseInABook]

I'm so sorry. This is my biggest fear about fostering, having our heart tell us that a particular child is ours and having them leave our home.

[PrairieSong]

I am so sorry you are going through this. HUGS to you and your family.

[Reflections]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

Oh goodness. Y'all should so hear my littles talking as they are coloring. They drew maps and airplanes and judges. They are mad that the judge is making them so sad. They said that NC (interesting that they aren't using the people's name) need to send our baby back. They wrote her name. They just keep going on and on. It is heartbreaking.

 

<edited>

[Starr]

:grouphug: to you as you keep your family going.

[MomatHWTK]

I think as the parent, you have to either make sure your children know up front that each foster child is a visitor who you have the very important job of caring for- don't allow any expectations; or as you said, only initiate fostering of children that may be eligible for adoption. Sorry if I'm not using the correct phraseology. Taking your little one's unique life experiences and condition into consideration is very valid. Do what you can do, but don't push beyond what you can emotionally handle because you are existing littles' guide and rock. KWIM?

 

This particular instance has been very emotional for you. Take some time and then reevaluate what your next course will be. :grouphug:

[Momling]

We are awaiting a new foster placement, but still feel twinges of sadness about the previous little guy. It's a hundred small things... like how every time we drive down a road in our town that has speed bumps, we remember how he always yelled delightfully "bumpie bumpie!!" or how he loved dancing with a certain silly move or how he would only drink out of a cup with his name on it or whatever. But I remind myself... even though I know his life with us was healthier and happier than his life with his mom was or will be, we always knew he would be returned home and my kids were prepared for it... and really our job was temporary and we gave that little guy some stability in a really rough time in his life and we gave his mom an opportunity to sort herself out...

Anyway, I do remember him fondly and I'm a little sad and I hope he's doing well and I do know how you feel.

[Pamela H in Texas]

we always knew he would be returned home and my kids were prepared for it...

 

Yeah, every other kiddo, we've been like that. We make sure we understand the kids are here for a time, that the judge can say just about whatever, etc. And my kids, having been through so much, understand to a good degree. It was just so different with Monkey. We really really really thought it was going to turn out differently. Who is to say that won't happen again? I know I'll guard my heart a bit more. And I'll say right to the kids. But....

 

But I really really really just want my baby back home. And I really think she needs to be here. SOON.

[Rhea]

:grouphug: Much love for you and your family.

[Starr]

I think it would be extra painful for children from the foster world to lose a *foster sibling* through the system. They really feel it. I'm with you, especially while they are young, that maybe they don't need to go through this again.