Losing a child is so incredibly hard....

[Pamela H in Texas]

I went to my old psychologist yesterday. I have just been hurting so badly and I don't even want to function. When I am doing, I feel so fake. And I feel like I've done nothing but cry and will cry forever. I'm not even sure I *want* to stop crying.

 

Basically, he told me I'm doing all the right things, that I just have to let myself be with my pain, that I can't will or work it away. The things I'm doing are to support me so I can deal with the pain, not fix the pain. Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

 

He told me the only thing he really heard me saying that I needed to stop was beating myself up for not being the wife, mother, etc that I want to be.

 

OH, and we did talk about the difference in losing a foster child and losing a daughter; and how the grieving process would be different.

 

Basically, I left bawling and haven't really stopped. I went to the Just Between Friends sale last night (teachers including homeschoolers, first time moms, foster parents, etc get to go early). I wished I had a reason to look at all the baby/toddler things. I thought the sale wasn't nearly as good as in times past. My daughter disagreed. Maybe I simply just didn't enjoy it and couldn't get as excited. I don't know. And this morning, I just want to curl up and cry.

 

I'm so thankful for my IRL and online support. I really am. But right now, I'm just uncontrollably sad.

[Starr]

Endless supply of hugs coming your way.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks Starr. I'm gonna need endless, I think. I cannot even imagine *how* this could go away. I had a miscarriage in 1994. I saw that little girl grow up with my kids the first 7 or so years. It was wild. I missed her so incredibly much. And I never even got to *meet* her, much less love on her all day every day for months and months! On top of that, I know where Kirsten is and the future in regards to her. I don't know how Monkey is or what this situation is going to do to her long term. Additionally, what information I *am* getting is not good; and I don't trust that the people who have her are willing and able to do what it will take to give her the best possible chance there, much less send her home to us.

 

I really wish "how are you?" was a banned question also. Seriously, no one really wants to know the real answer; and all it does is cause uncontrollable water works.

[Starr]

Crying keeps her close. Someday you'll be able to keep her close in your heart without so much pain. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Pamela, I have been following this thread, but I haven't been posting because I just don't know what to say. You and Monkey are in my heart and in my prayers, and every time I open this thread, I keep hoping that you will have gotten some encouraging news about Monkey.

 

But I have to admit that my biggest prayer is for the day when I visit the forum and you've started a brand new thread about how Monkey is coming back home to you, where she belongs.

 

I am so, so sorry for all that you are going through, and of course, for Monkey, too. :crying:

[EthiopianFood]

I know this isn't a good thing to ask, but since there isn't anything I can say to make it better anyway :( .... Does the new family know you will take her back if they change their minds?

 

I hope your period of grief passes quickly. I feel the worst part of grief is not knowing how long it will last, and not being able to do a dang thing about it. This whole thing is so unfair. :(

[Pamela H in Texas]

I really do appreciate the support, kind thoughts, hopes, etc for us....

 

RaeAnne, they do, but....It would take a LOT on their part to be able to give her up.

 

I *really* liked K and M. Really. So none of the above is anything about them as people. They simply *are* human and very young ones at that. Seriously, if I thought I had a daughter in Texas, the fact that it took 14months to get her to me would only make my yearning for her harder. And I would, in my heart, feel we'd figure it out if she had any trouble, being pretty naive about attachment disorder as I would guess most people would be without ever having experienced it. Then to lose my dream of a 2nd child? And can you imagine the peer pressure and judgment of people? Even if you thought, for half a second, it'd be best to give her up, could you face everyone who thought you were nuts? Also, people are sometimes hopelessly optimistic with the "give it time; it'll get better." Though that is rarely the case with a toddler with attachment issues, it is what all parents think through various phases. And in this case, they do have contact with family so they would be taking her from them also. Now, we'd have an open adoption - see blog- but fact is NC is awfully far away...heck, I'd be willing to move to NC for Monkey though! No matter how much I like K and M, they would have had to seemed bigger and better than almost anyone and everyone I know in order to give her back.

 

One other thing....Though K has told me I don't, I still feel I must walk on eggshells. Fact is that K and M could easily report to the caseworker if we made them uncomfortable or angry. We'd have a licensing investigation (again) and we'd be in the wrong. Fact is that though *I* don't see her as such, she *was* a foster child and we are bound by minimum standards, including those regarding supporting "reunification." If we lose our license, we certainly cannot take her back.

 

I *try* to remember there are all sorts of kids adopted from overseas where it takes months on end. I try to remember that it stinks that my own kids had 8 previous homes and are hurt by that; but they *are* doing well. They'll always have problems, but....But surely K and M will step up and get out of la-la-land at some point so she doesn't end up like her biomom (young woman has RAD and a number of other issues resulting in her losing 3 children now and living a life not much worth living). And we can be here for her when she looks for pieces of her past assuming she's capable.

 

But then I turn right back around. She'd have fewer issues if she didn't lose us. She'd be in a home who understood and could help her better and sooner. It simply would be better for her to be here. Really, there isn't a good parent on earth who thinks, "oh, my kid could go live with a stranger right at potty training age and never look back and be fine. And not any of us could fathom the pain if we had to.

 

I just wish people understood that losing Monkey for us is just like losing any other of our children. It is incomprehensible. It isn't the way it is supposed to be. Parents aren't supposed to say goodbye to their children!

[Pamela H in Texas]

double post

[Scarlett]

:grouphug: So sorry Pamela.