BakersDozen Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 My oldest sister cannot pay her rent. My mom has already paid the last 3 months and now my sister is asking the sibling (3 of us) to help pay for the next 3 months. My sister has been married 3 times, divorced 3 times, lived with numerous men, and has a son whom she neglects dreadfully. She is not working, stays up all night playing games online, her son (3yo) stays up most of the night as well and sleeps most of the day. She is taking one college class but has been doing that for years without ever finishing the class. She has absolutely no money sense, no ambition, nothing. I'm being asked to give her $500. Things have been tumultuous in my family for years and this is going to be ugly, I think, if I say I can't afford to do this. We have huge medical bills coming in to the tune of over $3000 from when our little guy was in the Children's Hospital. I have my wedding dress and wedding rings for sale to help cover some of these costs; how in the world am I supposed to agree to another $500 for my sister??? It is OK for me to say 'no', right? I don't even know if I should approach my dh about this knowing how he feels about my sister and her choices in life; then there's the fact that he is already working to pay for his own family and our expenses... I feel like crud. I know the other siblings will contribute but honestly, even if I had the money, I don't know that I would give it to her. Is that horrible? How to graciously get out of this one without creating another war with family members?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is okay to say no. I don't have any advice for handling family members that might be mad about it, but stick to your guns and say NO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WistfulRidge Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is okay to say no. I don't have any advice for handling family members that might be mad about it' date=' but stick to your guns and say NO.[/quote']:iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Just say "no" and ignore the wrath? Easier said than done I'm sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Say no. Don't feel guilty about saying no. If you feel you need to publicly feel guilty to your family simply tell them YOU CAN NOT AFFORD IT. Period. She doesn't have money, well guess what, neither do you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caraway Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is your DUTY to your immediate family to say no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Of course it's okay! Even if your sister were leading a more desirable life and was down on her luck, it would still be okay. "I don't have the money to share right now." Repeat. Repeatedly!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AStableBeginning Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is okay to say no. I don't have any advice for handling family members that might be mad about it' date=' but stick to your guns and say NO.[/quote'] :iagree: and :grouphug: for the impending wrath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is your DUTY to your immediate family to say no. Yup yup. No explanations necessary. Just NO. Imagine all of us behind you, quietly chanting No No No, when you do it. We're with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 If you are selling personal items to meet your own financial obligations, it doesn't seem to me that you are in a position to be helping anyone right now. Just say no. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Be honest. If you are selling your wedding rings to pay for your ds's medical bills you don't have money to give away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 I would tell her she can have it after she completes a rehab program for gaming addiction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Just say no. You don't need to explain anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curlylocks Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Just say no. You don't need to explain anything. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 :grouphug: Say no. Dh's family hits us up for money from time to time. I hate it and finally decided to put my foot down about it. We have our own children to think about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakereese Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Don't do it. Tell her or your mom what you told us. I'm sure she can understand money struggles, right? There is no way I'd be able to help my sibling if she were living that way, it just isn't right. If you guys help her, she's just going to ask again in 3 months. She needs to have a reason to try to pay for it herself. I know it is tough out there, but it doesn't sound like she is trying. No! No! No! No! No! No! (keep saying it) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Tell her you'll contribute 1/3 of her rent if she'll contribute 1/3 of your baby's hospital bill. ;) :grouphug: "No" is hard but it is the right thing. Your children come first now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Wait . . . :001_huh: . . . let me get this straight. You have 11 children, one of whom has been in a Children's Hospital, and you're getting guilt trips about helping her out with her ONE? :confused: For Heaven sake, tell her N.O. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel pressure. Just say no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 I truly understand just how ugly family pressure can be. You don't have any money to give her. Please say no. Do not give any elaborate explanations. Just repeat, "We cannot afford to help her." Just say no. Do not get sucked into long emotional discussions about this. Yes, there will be fallout. Every time you look at your own children remind yourself that it is for their sake. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 (edited) It is not my job to support adults, no matter their age. I would not help an irresponsible sibling do anything. I would welcome the child into my home if necessary. I would allow an adult relative into my home, on a temporary basis as long as I see some progress toward them being more independent. You can not help those who won't help themselves........ you are only enabling them. My immediate family always comes first, if I don't have it to give away... that is end of story. Edited October 30, 2012 by StartingOver Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Given her situation, I don't think I would pay even if money wasn't tight. She needs a plan for how to get through life--something other than "someone else will be the responsible party." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 And remember..."no" is a complete sentence. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Imagine all of us behind you, quietly chanting No No No, when you do it. We're with you. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenC3 Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 LOL! I have to laugh, because you have ELEVEN children and someone actually asked you to give a mooch $500 right before the holidays? Are you kidding? Heck to the No! Sorry, but no, no, no, NO WAY! And don't feel a bit guilty. She being enabled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Shoot, tell them you would donate to her if they will donate to you to help you pay your child's hospital bill. It's so wrong to expect you to help fund her lifestyle especially when you are fairly certain she won't do anything to get out of the mess. If you pay something for her next 3 months, how can you be sure she'll actually use that money for bills over 3 months and not just spend the whole lump sum she gets right away? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneBlessedx4 Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 I don't think you should give it to her even if you have it. She needs to get a clue! I'm so sorry that you have to sell your special things for medical bills. :( Anyone that gives you a hard time about it also needs to get a clue! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firestar Academy Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 I started to multi-quote but realized I agreed with everyone else. no. say, no, thank you. rinse and repeat. it WILL be hard. ask me how I know. They will say things like, she will get evicted tomorrow if you don't pay. ask me how I know. at the time I had no children but wanted them but was working to pay down the mortgage so i wouldn't have to work when children came. I explained that I would NOT work so they could stay home and live off my money. It actually led to 14 years of non-speaking to these relatives. Robin i would do it again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Balaban Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Just say no. If you want to try and be gracious, ask if there is something else you can do to help her. Do you have a state information line? That is really all you can offer her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 My oldest sister cannot pay her rent. My mom has already paid the last 3 months and now my sister is asking the sibling (3 of us) to help pay for the next 3 months. My sister has been married 3 times, divorced 3 times, lived with numerous men, and has a son whom she neglects dreadfully. She is not working, stays up all night playing games online, her son (3yo) stays up most of the night as well and sleeps most of the day. She is taking one college class but has been doing that for years without ever finishing the class. She has absolutely no money sense, no ambition, nothing. I'm being asked to give her $500. Things have been tumultuous in my family for years and this is going to be ugly, I think, if I say I can't afford to do this. We have huge medical bills coming in to the tune of over $3000 from when our little guy was in the Children's Hospital. I have my wedding dress and wedding rings for sale to help cover some of these costs; how in the world am I supposed to agree to another $500 for my sister??? It is OK for me to say 'no', right? I don't even know if I should approach my dh about this knowing how he feels about my sister and her choices in life; then there's the fact that he is already working to pay for his own family and our expenses... I feel like crud. I know the other siblings will contribute but honestly, even if I had the money, I don't know that I would give it to her. Is that horrible? How to graciously get out of this one without creating another war with family members?? IMHO, when money is given to someone like this it is simply enabling them to continue being irresponsible and lazy. They continue to have a very low self image of themselves and honestly will never strive for anything higher. I think it is wrong to say 'YES'. You are probably not going to avoid a family riff unless your saying no will give them the courage to say no also. Some things are just what they are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted October 30, 2012 Author Share Posted October 30, 2012 Wait . . . :001_huh: . . . let me get this straight. You have 11 children, one of whom has been in a Children's Hospital, and you're getting guilt trips about helping her out with her ONE? Yes. I've not had anything to do with two of my siblings since 2006 due to lovely family issues that got out of hand and affected my immediate family. I've rather enjoyed not having contact or involvement with them, to be honest. Now this has come up and I am angry!! The last I heard from the sister who is asking for money was how irresponsible I was for having #7 because who was going to pay for them or take them in if something happened to me? Didn't I know I can't afford to have more dc and was being unfair to the family who would end up paying our way? Ironic how things turned out. And yet there's that part of me that wanted to help if only she would get a life, be responsible, grow up. What a crummy situation. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 And remember..."no" is a complete sentence. :D :iagree: If you say you can't help right now because of your baby's hospital bill, they'll be back at a later date. Just "no," with no regrets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Absolutely not. Don't enable her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Your whole family needs the book Boundaries! You should absolutely say no even if you have the money. It is the equivalent of giving a drunk a drink to keep the peace. This is a toxic situation for everyone involved. You all have already tried "helping" her by giving her money. How'd that work out? Continuing with the same behavior and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Don't feel guilty about saying no. You are the only one that is doing what is best for your sister. They need to stop enabling her! Good luck to you all! Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is okay to say no. I don't have any advice for handling family members that might be mad about it' date=' but stick to your guns and say NO.[/quote']:iagree:. you don't have to give a lecture about why you're saying no, just say you can't and stick with that. :grouphug: you might even find some of your siblings don't actually want to give her money, but are afraid of what would happen if they said "no". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Seriously, even if you say "yes" this month . . . there will be a similar request made next month. Try to think of non-monetary ways to show your love, even if you are viewed as weird. Sorry it is so tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is your DUTY to your immediate family to say no. :iagree: Time to stop enabling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Seriously, even if you say "yes" this month . . . there will be a similar request made next month. Try to think of non-monetary ways to show your love, even if you are viewed as weird. Sorry it is so tough. :iagree: buy food for your nephew if and when you can afford it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plateau Mama Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Even if I could afford it I wouldn't do it. No way, no how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scubamama Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 I know you love your sis, but it has to be no. I love my sis too, but we fell into the trap of enabling her....she had no where to live so she moved in with us...it's a long story. We've had other friends who were down on their luck stay with us short term - they got back on their feet and moved out and onward and upward... Not so for sis. She finally had to move out (DH) and didn't talk to us for a looong time. We're ok now, but I really learned to do a Nancy (Reagan) and "Just Say No!" Channel your inner Nancy!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 You are under no obligation to bail your sister out. If you readily had the money and wanted to, that would be another matter. The fact is, if you're selling things to pay medical bills for your own child, you don't have it. Don't let anyone else make you feel guilty about it either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 If you are selling personal items to meet your own financial obligations, it doesn't seem to me that you are in a position to be helping anyone right now. Just say no. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :iagree: And honestly, even if you were well off, it doesn't really benefit your sister to contribute to her lifestyle by paying her rent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 "I'm sorry, but I do not have room in the budget at this time due to the medical bills due for ___. Our most conservative budget projects that we will be putting all available dollars toward __'s medical bills until [date]. Sorry, I know how hard it is to have money issues." If anyone complains, say "OK, in that case you all are requested to send me $__ toward my son's medical bills." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in IN Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 You can say no, and you should say no. The money given to your sister is not going to help her move forward in life. It's just enabling her to continue living irresponsibly. Don't give any explanations. "No, that won't work for us at this time." Repeat as necessary. You don't need to tell them you can't afford it. You owe them no explanations. Your responsibility is to your own family first, and that is what you are focused on. Like others have said, when you feel guilty, think of what you are providing for your own kids, and what you wouldn't be able to do if you gave that money away. No guilt, you are taking care of what you're responsible for! :grouphug: It sounds like a tough situation. But you already know that the benefits you get from setting the boundaries are worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 You are selling your wedding rings towards medical bills and they expect you to pay rent for an unemployed by choice sister? That is incredibly presumptuous and intrusive. Honestly saying yes helps no one. It would hurt you, your immediate family, your family's sense of boundaries and ultimately hurt your sister that the money will be "helping." She is not going to learn to stand on her own feet if she is constantly being bailed out by others. Say no and say no with pride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Add me to the 'just say no' crowd. I know it's hard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Oh, honey:grouphug:...You have every right and reason to say no here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Just say no. Even if you had the money, enabling sis to continue living like she is will not help her. If your mom wants to keep enabling her, fine, but to expect the rest of the family to do so seems a bit much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Another "just say no". You won't help her by enabling her. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Just say no and have no guilt. You can only do so much to help people and then they need to learn to help themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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