Wanting advice on inlaw situation

[CAMom]

This is not a JAWM post. ;) I do want advice. Gentle advice would be great but I have on my thick skin just in case.:)

 

(So sorry if it gets long...)

 

We've had recurring issues with my inlaws since we were engaged and we've been married 23 years. In general, my mil goes off the deep end periodically and refuses to talk to us or see us for a period of time over really ridiculous stuff. Very often this centers around Mother's Day.

 

Here's our current situation:

 

A few days before Mother's Day this year, my dh called his mom to see what she would like to do. She said she wanted to go out to dinner with our family on Saturday evening. She gave a choice of two restaurants. Neither restaurant is "safe" for our peanut allergic 7 yo. One is a Brazillian bbq where they bring the meat to each table but everything else is served on the buffet. Buffets are a big "no no" do to cross contamination. The other restaurant has told us in the past that they cannot make a safe meal because there are nuts all over the kitchen.

 

I told dh that I was willing to stay home with peanut kid so they could all go out for a nice, relaxing dinner. He told this to his mom explaining that those restaurants weren't safe for him. She answered, "Well, if you wife doesn't want to have dinner with me, just say so!" :001_huh:

 

They decided to talk later that evening about firming up the plans. They agreed on a 7pm call time. Dh and I talked about it and we decided to call the restaurant that wasn't the buffet and talk to the manager. The manager was great and agreed to supervise all preparation to make sure we could have a nut safe dinner.

 

Great, right? Problem solved, right? NOT!

 

One minute before 7pm that night, dh got a text from his dad saying, "It's just too much trouble. I'll take her out myself. Just do your own thing." Dh immediately texted back telling his dad we'd solved the problem and that we were good to go to one of mil's choices at the time and on the day she requested. No answer.

 

Next morning, dh called his parents to firm up the time and, again, tell them that mil's choice was going to be just fine for everyone. He talked to his dad. First, his dad said that he didn't send the text the night before. His mom sent it posing as his dad.

 

Second, his dad said his mom was refusing to see us or speak to us and that we should have not said anything, come to the dinner and just had peanut kid just sit there with us and not eat.

 

We have not heard from them at all since Mother's Day. My dd was celebrating her 16th birthday just two weeks after MD and they sent her a card but no gift. They usually give the kids $50 for their birthdays. Dd said, "You know, Mom, I don't need a gift but it's obvious they did this because they're mad at you and Dad." I agree with her that that was the motivation.

 

We also discovered from dh's sister that mil told sil that "You guys made plans with her for MD and then just cancelled on her. She's really hurt."

 

So, I know it's long and I can clarify stuff if need be but how would you handle this situation?

 

Thanks for reading!

[Remudamom]

Truly? I'd cut her off. Poisonous.

[Wendi]

Well, it sounds like she is just manufacturing her own drama to get attention. So I think you just refuse to feed into it. Call/text as normal, because everything is normal. If she won't talk to you, chat with FIL briefly (because most guys don't really want to chat for long on the phone, amirite?), but don't get upset or go into the "drama".

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this; these threads always make me appreciate my MIL.

 

Wendi

[Slipper]

I am not sure how to deal with the current situation because I would truly just tell her if she doesn't want to do something that is safe for our family, we wouldn't do it.

 

In the future, I wouldn't give her a choice, "Hey Mom! We want to invite you to our house for a special dinner for Mother's Day! Is Friday or Saturday better for you?"

[Lara in Colo]

Truly? I'd cut her off. Poisonous.

 

:iagree:

[Seasider]

Truly? I'd cut her off. Poisonous.

 

Yeah, I'd cut her off. But not until I called her on it, face-to-face.

 

If she were just acting like a brat, I'd drop her without a confrontation. But since she resorted to identity theft and lying and iced the cake with an insult to my daughter, I couldn't rest until I let her know - with little emotion but true and straightforward words - that she was not an appropriate role model for my children. Adios.

[Seasider]

I agree. Cut off contact. Anyone who would expect a child to sit and not eat is nuts.

 

And considering that nut allergy....:auto:

[fairfarmhand]

Dear MIL, my child and the whole family are allergic to nuts. Therefore, you make us break out in hives whenever you're around. We are a nut-free household and can no longer participate in your drama.

[mommaduck]

Dh and I talked about it and we decided to call the restaurant that wasn't the buffet and talk to the manager. The manager was great and agreed to supervise all preparation to make sure we could have a nut safe dinner.

 

Second, his dad said his mom was refusing to see us or speak to us and that we should have not said anything, come to the dinner and just had peanut kid just sit there with us and not eat.

 

We also discovered from dh's sister that mil told sil that "You guys made plans with her for MD and then just cancelled on her. She's really hurt."

 

First, :grouphug:

 

Second, apologies for butchering your post.

 

Third:

A. You did EVERYTHING and bent over backwards to accommodate your MIL. Offering that you and allergy-child stay home to speaking with a manager to make special arrangements that normally would not happen.

 

B. It is RIDICULOUS to expect to go to a restaurant where everyone is eating and expect a CHILD to sit there and not be able to eat, touch the table, touch glasses, and still possibly react from the air. WTH is wrong with your FIL that he would think that this is acceptable (oh, yeah, that's right, he has to live with HER, the root of the problem ;) ).

 

C. THEY cancelled on you. You need to be very straight with your SIL. Tell her the you first tried to request a restaurant that your child would not react to. You secondly offered to stay home with said child. You thirdly arranged a special seating and arrangement at MIL's choice restaurant. AFTER you made the special arrangement, she then turned around and cancelled on you, ruining the evening out that YOU and YOUR DH planned specially for her.

 

 

Guessing here from outside the situation: Your MIL likes drama. They may or may not believe in nut allergies nor understand the severity of them (sounds like there needs to be a long conversation on how deadly it is and ask them if they really are hoping for the death of their grandchild...sometimes you have to throw brutal reality at people). From now on, insist on a small family gathering at someone's home or make plans, invite her out, and then the ball is in her court on whether she wants to go or not. Do NOT give her options on how, when, where things are to be planned. You are showing her honour for her position and she should be showing gratitude for however you desire to honour her.

 

Again, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[SKL]

I have a great relationship with my mom, but I hardly ever take her to dinner. I just go to her house and spend time with her.

 

I think you may be over-thinking the MD stuff and it's obviously just hurting you and your kids. Let it go. Next year don't ask her what she wants to do. Just show up at her house between meals, give a gift, and smile the whole time.

 

Tell your kids that some kids don't even have a grandmother, and for those who do, grandmothers come in all types. It's nothing personal. Some people truly never grow up.

[SKL]

Dear MIL, my child and the whole family are allergic to nuts. Therefore, you make us break out in hives whenever you're around. We are a nut-free household and can no longer participate in your drama.

 

Love this take! "Sorry, my son is deathly allergic to nuts so we can't come." Leave it open to interpretation! :D

[Plink]

Truly, I'd ignore her antics. I'd call and invite them to dinner at your place. If she brings anything up, just pretend she is a three year old asking for the 50th time for something insane. "I'm not going to discuss that." Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Drama doesn't have to be dramatic. Be the better person and let her choose whether she wants to move on.

[mommaduck]

She's pulling this stuff because she doesn't want you and the kids there on her special day. What dh does instead is drop by the day before with flowers and gift card. We are not going to pretend that we are not married with children nor are we going to get setup into a situation where dh has to choose between his '"real family and his wife&kids" (to quote MIL). I figure by this age, if the parents can't let go of the fantasy, then they never will. On the years they try to pull a lot of drama, we will go to my side of the family for the holiday meals or we will stay home. We have yet to hear any story from MIL & FIL where they dragged their kids out to dinner on MD...b/c they never did. They stayed home and everyone got on the phone for a quick phone call.

:iagree:

He can send his mother flowers and then offer to take you (and kids) and her out for Mother's Day to celebrate both of you. If she doesn't like that she's not the only mother there, then tough cookies.

[----]

.

[celticmom]

First, :grouphug:

 

Second, apologies for butchering your post.

 

Third:

A. You did EVERYTHING and bent over backwards to accommodate your MIL. Offering that you and allergy-child stay home to speaking with a manager to make special arrangements that normally would not happen.

 

B. It is RIDICULOUS to expect to go to a restaurant where everyone is eating and expect a CHILD to sit there and not be able to eat, touch the table, touch glasses, and still possibly react from the air. WTH is wrong with your FIL that he would think that this is acceptable (oh, yeah, that's right, he has to live with HER, the root of the problem ;) ).

 

C. THEY cancelled on you. You need to be very straight with your SIL. Tell her the you first tried to request a restaurant that your child would not react to. You secondly offered to stay home with said child. You thirdly arranged a special seating and arrangement at MIL's choice restaurant. AFTER you made the special arrangement, she then turned around and cancelled on you, ruining the evening out that YOU and YOUR DH planned specially for her.

 

 

Guessing here from outside the situation: Your MIL likes drama. They may or may not believe in nut allergies nor understand the severity of them (sounds like there needs to be a long conversation on how deadly it is and ask them if they really are hoping for the death of their grandchild...sometimes you have to throw brutal reality at people). From now on, insist on a small family gathering at someone's home or make plans, invite her out, and then the ball is in her court on whether she wants to go or not. Do NOT give her options on how, when, where things are to be planned. You are showing her honour for her position and she should be showing gratitude for however you desire to honour her.

 

Again, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:I would also add that MIL does not need unsupervised acess to your allergy child ever.

[Zebra]

Honestly? Based on your story, I would figure out exactly what made her stop speaking to me, and make sure I do the same thing when she decides to start speaking to me again :lol:.

 

This woman is a toxic drama queen. Cut her off, or pretend it never happened next time you see her, it's totally your call. Just make sure you don't waste another second feeling guilty about it or trying to make her happy. Live your life, and remember some people are impossible no matter what you do.

[Zebra]

I would just like to add that you said the drama generally centers around Mother's Day. I have experience with this phenomenon, and it means something like your MIL doesn't accept that she's not "the mother" any more, hates that you are, and wants to punish you for it.

 

I'm guessing anyway ;).

[*Lulu*]

First, I'd clarify the situation with the family member. Chances are they already know how your MIL behaves.

 

Then, I'd forget about it and move on. If mil brought it up again, just remind her what really happened, and don't engage in that conversation any further.

 

I would absolutely not cut her off for that. It's annoying, rude, inconsiderate, etc..., but she's still dh's mom. I'd put up with a little drama instead of hurting him.

 

My mil really does suffer from mental illnesses, and her demeanor can change drastically from one meeting to the next. I didn't catch the ages of your children, but even my 6 year old can understand that Grammy isn't always well.

 

 

Honestly? Based on your story, I would figure out exactly what made her stop speaking to me, and make sure I do the same thing when she decides to start speaking to me again :lol:.

 

This woman is a toxic drama queen. Cut her off, or pretend it never happened next time you see her, it's totally your call. Just make sure you don't waste another second feeling guilty about it or trying to make her happy. Live your life, and remember some people are impossible no matter what you do.

 

Both of these are along the lines of how we have dealt with crazy-drama-queen grandmother in our family.

[marbel]

So sorry. :grouphug: My in-laws are a little goofy and troubling but not quite as crazy as this.

 

First, I would have my husband be the one to talk to HIS parents about any problems. Also if there is discussion about the parents with siblings, he should do it. So, his sister is saying you cancelled on the parents, he should respond to his sister about their parents. You should stay out of any squabbles/arguments/problems within your husband's family.

 

Then, I would ask my husband what he wants to do about his mother's behavior and future Mother's Days, birthdays, etc.

 

If they need reminding that you have a child with a serious allergy, have your husband remind them. He should let them know that any events/get-togethers involving food have to be organized on his terms due to their grandson's allergy.

 

I would be careful about suggesting to your husband that you cut off all contact with his parents as some have suggested. Maybe it will be necessary to go that far, but make that his call!

 

:grouphug:

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: there's a lot going on there. i'm sorry. am i right that there is no event at the moment? that's a great time to try and sort it out.

 

one thing you could try is to decide with your dh the kind of son + daughter in law + grandchildren you want to be. and then to act on that. with some folks, holidays are the most treacherous times because they come with sets of expectations that must be met, or manipulated until they are met....

 

so i'd decide what i wanted to do for her on mothers' day, and then i'd do it. sometimes doing it a few days earlier is better, because then she knows you are going to do something. (because you've already done it). so if you're sending flowers, send them on the wednesday or thursday. ditto gifts, cards, etc. maybe you could preplan with dfil, and show up with breakfast in bed for her.

 

its quite possible that she won't respond well to whatever you do, but at least this way you are being the kind of people you want to be. and its very freeing in an odd way to realize that her reactions having nothing to do with you or the actual event or gift; it has to do with her. and ultimately she gets to decide the kind of person she wants to be.

 

another way to handle it is to spontaneously send her flowers..... "i saw these and thought of you".... she can say "but it isn't my birthday or mother's day or..." and you can reply "but you're my mom/mil every day".

 

its sad for your kids, but they'll learn valuable lessons along the way.

 

and i must confess i'd do a few spontaneous nice things for dfil, too. whether or not his appeasing her makes it worse or better (at least for him), he has to live with her all the time. ;)

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Kathryn]

I wouldn't contact her again. If she called/made contact, I'd be cordial but nothing more. If I was questioned, I'd outline the list of problems over the years and say I wasn't going to put myself or my children in the position to be hurt by her drama anymore. I've done this with my miter and MIL. Neither have called me on it. I suspect they both know why the relationship got distant.

[Denisemomof4]

I have had SO many difficult family members and friends in my life and I just refuse to get sucked in anymore. I'm 49 and too tired to deal with it. If it affects my kids, forget it.

 

If you do allow her back into your life, I would do one of two things. I would either set up VERY strong boundaries and let her know you are done with the manipulation and games (which just may throw her over the edge and ruin the relationship) or I would COMPLETELY ignore her petty games, not let them affect me one bit or influence my decisions at all.

 

What type of GRANDMOTHER would want her GRANDCHILD to sit and watch everyone else eat? That woman is lucky any of you even see her on Mother's Day.

[Ellie]

It's your mil. Your dh should be the one to handle things, if anything directly needs to be said, which it may not, because it probably won't help.

 

I'm thinking relentlessly on-time (e.g. early) Thanksgivig, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday cards, signed by all of you, including pictures of your children when appropriate. Mr. CaMom should handle any conversations, which should always support you and the children. And you should always speak kindly about them to the children.

[elegantlion]

Does she understand the severity of the food allergies? Aside from her other junior high behavior, she obviously sees the allergy as an excuse. I know my parents (who are in their 70s) don't really get the food allergy thing. I'm trying to eat gluten free because it creates issues (not celiac), they will still bring cake for birthdays and cookies. They honestly do not get it. My sister developed peanut allergies as an adult. My mom mailed her homemade peanut butter cookies knowing this. She didn't think enclosing them with other cookies would be an issue.

 

I would probably send her some printed professional information on peanut allergies (use a 3rd party source for legitimacy) and write a note about how MD was not about not wanting to get together with her, it was about ensuring the safety of your child. Surely as a grandparent she can understand and appreciate the sentiment, yes I would write that in the note. Then invite her over for dinner and she if she is willing to act her age about the whole thing.

[Garga]

There are probably all sorts of real ways to handle this. Mature ways. Dramatic ways, etc.

 

But what would I really do? Personally?

 

If they haven't contacted you since May (4 months), I'd just let the relationship fizzle. I wouldn't fume. I wouldn't plot. I wouldn't have 'a plan of action'.

 

I'd just...let it fizzle. Maybe, just maybe, I'd call around the next holiday (Thanksgiving) to find out what we're doing for the holiday. (Unless you already have traditions in stone.) And then it would be DH calling. And sure, there'll probably be trouble during the holidays (like MD), but I'd try to remain as unperturbed as possible, get through the holiday and go back to letting things fizzle for the rest of the year.

 

And I could speak to the food allergy thing, but I suspect that's just the most recent "thing" she's pulled, so it's not really about allergies. That was just the most recent presentation of her controlling, manipulative ways. (But if it's always about the allergies, give her a pamphlet from the doctor's office about it.)

[FaithManor]

She's a drama queen and totally self-centered. Nut allergies are dangerous and she doesn't care. In my opinion, once a relative has decided that they do NOT care about the health and well-being of a child with a dangerous condition, then that relative has crossed the ultimate no-no line. She can't be trusted not to do something stupid such as slip a peanut to your son or other such behavior to "prove her point".

 

Asking any person to sit and go hungry or not be included in the meal for a family outing is the height of rudeness. A decent and reasonable grandparent would not be able to enjoy his/herself at such an even because it was so miserable for said grandchild. Again, another indication that if she can't manipulate any situation to be exclusively all about her, then she isn't interested in participating.

 

We all meet NPD's as we walk through life, but rarely are we forced to attempt close, personal relationships with them. The workplace can even be full of them and still not have the impact on you that a relative can have. So, my advice is that until she adopts a more moderated, less dramatic, less utterly self-centered attitude, she is not to have contact with your family. It's not good for the kids, it adds stress to your marriage, and it adds danger for your son should she decide that his allergy is "psychosomatic" and attempt to "cure" him.

 

Cut off the contact. If she wants to change and is willing to show proof of this, you could allow her to re-enter your lives at that time.

 

Faith

[Nakia]

Oh just send her some chocolate covered strawberries next time, lol!! Sorry, friend, but I had to throw that in there!

 

I remember lots of your mil stories. Goodness, I have no advice. What does Don think you should do? If I were you, I would refuse to have any contact with her. Let him deal with his momma.

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

She sounds very manipulative. I'd have a really hard time maintaining a relationship with her at all. :(

[stripe]

I'd invite her to your house. I wouldn't get involved in screaming fits. Have your husband do the talking. I think it's horrible that family members fight in this way.

 

For what it's worth, no one in my family seems to remember my kid's allergies, even if I just reminded them one minute previously. It is very hard not to be upset about this.... I would just count on them not understanding and not being able to think about them, and not assume it's malicious.

[Trish]

"MIL insisted we go to a place dangerous for our PeanutKid, and refused any alternatives. We're hurt!"

 

Or, just pretend you're dealing with little kids in grown-up, wrinkly bodies, do and say what you would normally say, and shrug when you get oddball reactions.

 

No gift in the card? <shrug> "you know how Grandma & Grandpa sometimes get themselves all worked up. It isn't about you." Then I'd either give her the money (if you can afford it), or tell her it's good practice for dealing with people in life who don't always act they way they should.

 

Crazy talk on the phone (if it's MIL/FIL): <shrug> "I have to go now. We'll talk again when you're feeling better."

 

Doesn't show up for things? <shrug> "They're probably having a bad day. Maybe next time."

 

The key is to have NO EXPECTATIONS for them, and fend off anything harmful/toxic directed at your kids. With others I'd take more of a jolly approach. To SIS: "you know how they can be. We're used to it." Just sort of laugh and smile.

 

Good luck! It's tough pretending dysfunctional people are functional. But if you make it a family challenge it can be more exhilirating than exasperating.

 

:grouphug:

[A.J. at J.A.]

Dear MIL, my child and the whole family are allergic to nuts. Therefore, you make us break out in hives whenever you're around. We are a nut-free household and can no longer participate in your drama.

 

:lol::thumbup::smilielol5:

[Impish]

I'd get dh to set your sister straight.

 

Then I'd let the thing w/MIL go. By that, I mean, I would let the *relationship* go. I wouldn't call, email, etc. Nada.

 

She wants to throw tantrums, she can have at it w/out you guys as an audience.

 

I would NOT, in any way, shape or form, apologize, suck up, or ignore her bad behaviour and lying.

 

I have to admit, I get really frustrated of the 'be the bigger person' advice, b/c it always seems to amount to, 'ignore/enable her bad behaviour by not demanding she correct it, stick around and let her abuse you more!'

[justamouse]

First, :grouphug:

 

Second, apologies for butchering your post.

 

Third:

A. You did EVERYTHING and bent over backwards to accommodate your MIL. Offering that you and allergy-child stay home to speaking with a manager to make special arrangements that normally would not happen.

 

B. It is RIDICULOUS to expect to go to a restaurant where everyone is eating and expect a CHILD to sit there and not be able to eat, touch the table, touch glasses, and still possibly react from the air. WTH is wrong with your FIL that he would think that this is acceptable (oh, yeah, that's right, he has to live with HER, the root of the problem ;) ).

 

C. THEY cancelled on you. You need to be very straight with your SIL. Tell her the you first tried to request a restaurant that your child would not react to. You secondly offered to stay home with said child. You thirdly arranged a special seating and arrangement at MIL's choice restaurant. AFTER you made the special arrangement, she then turned around and cancelled on you, ruining the evening out that YOU and YOUR DH planned specially for her.

 

 

Guessing here from outside the situation: Your MIL likes drama. They may or may not believe in nut allergies nor understand the severity of them (sounds like there needs to be a long conversation on how deadly it is and ask them if they really are hoping for the death of their grandchild...sometimes you have to throw brutal reality at people). From now on, insist on a small family gathering at someone's home or make plans, invite her out, and then the ball is in her court on whether she wants to go or not. Do NOT give her options on how, when, where things are to be planned. You are showing her honour for her position and she should be showing gratitude for however you desire to honour her.

 

Again, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

:iagree:

 

Apparently it's all about her! And, granted, it's MD, I get that, but how much more could you try and accommodate her drama?

 

If after all these years she doesn't understand the parameters of a peanut allergy, she's either one crayon short of a pack, or willfully ignoring it--and in this case it's her *grandchild* and how obnoxious is that!

 

Have your Dh go have a sit down with them and sister and tell them you will not be dealing with this type of stuff anymore.

[Jennifer3141]

I have had SO many difficult family members and friends in my life and I just refuse to get sucked in anymore. I'm 49 and too tired to deal with it. If it affects my kids, forget it.

 

If you do allow her back into your life, I would do one of two things. I would either set up VERY strong boundaries and let her know you are done with the manipulation and games (which just may throw her over the edge and ruin the relationship) or I would COMPLETELY ignore her petty games, not let them affect me one bit or influence my decisions at all.

 

What type of GRANDMOTHER would want her GRANDCHILD to sit and watch everyone else eat? That woman is lucky any of you even see her on Mother's Day.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: But I'm crabbier. I reached this point at 41. All done crazy drama!!

 

I'm going to presume that this peanut allergy is REAL and not one of those, "My kid doesn't like peanuts" kind of allergy because the OP is pretty intelligent.

 

Going to a restuarant and expecting a CHILD to sit there without eating is cruel. Going to a restuarant where a child's health could be harmed is frightening. This woman doesn't deserve to be a grandparent to your kids. :grouphug:

[Susan C.]

I hit this with both sets of parents, they truly don't believe you with the allergies/sensitivities. Thankfully my dc didn't have life threatening allergies, but were sensitive to dyes. I have similar issues and am lactose intolerant. I like to eat and feed my family real food from scratch. I have to so all of us can eat with no problems. MIL was the prize winner in the drama dept. (she has passed away). But she would bring things to the dc they couldn't eat (even after I told her they couldn't), fix things we couldn't eat, all in the name of courtesy, that you have to eat what you are served. With her and others, I would try to just eat what was served, but after you spend countless times doubled over in their restrooms, you learn to draw the line. If I want to go somewhere to visit, and they are serving food, I eat first, then nibble on things I know I can eat, and life is much better.

 

I have found that I don't like get togethers to center around food. Its just too much trouble. I like it when I cook, even if its extra work. We do have a few friends that know what we can eat (it really isn't that much trouble, just a meat and a salad and we are good). My mom visited (lives far away), the last visit she was great (so it may have been my dad, who is also passed away). We either cooked what I wanted, or she took us out to eat where we wanted to go. It can look selfish to those who don't understand, but that's too bad.

 

As I get older, I get firmer in my stance of "NO DRAMA." I do everything in my power to avoid it! My best idea is to have your dh take your mother to any restaurant she wants to go to. During the week during lunch hour works great, you are busy with the kids, and he only has his lunch hour. Then she is remembered and gets to spend time with her son. Another idea is for all of you to meet at a museum, zoo, park, etc. to have fun without food. Even with the restaurant manager saying no peanut residue will get into the food, I would still be scared if it is nearby. You know it isn't in your house, so that is where you eat! Or at places you know are 100% safe. Who wants ER in the mix? And you don't want to have to get your child sick to "prove" you are right.

 

I don't know if I would cut off.... I would just keep trying to find a way to get together occasionally that works. You can offer, they don't have to accept, but you have tried. What happens if you have a cook out at your house and invite the whole bunch? Do they bring forbidden food? If so, that is out. Be firm that your kids will be protected from food they can't eat, then let them adjust. Don't dance around it, say "we can not be around peanuts at all, even the risk of peanuts."

 

Good luck, and I will offer a "geez, how crazy is all of this!?!!"

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Does she understand the severity of the food allergies? Aside from her other junior high behavior, she obviously sees the allergy as an excuse. I know my parents (who are in their 70s) don't really get the food allergy thing. I'm trying to eat gluten free because it creates issues (not celiac), they will still bring cake for birthdays and cookies. They honestly do not get it. My sister developed peanut allergies as an adult. My mom mailed her homemade peanut butter cookies knowing this. She didn't think enclosing them with other cookies would be an issue.

 

I would probably send her some printed professional information on peanut allergies (use a 3rd party source for legitimacy) and write a note about how MD was not about not wanting to get together with her, it was about ensuring the safety of your child. Surely as a grandparent she can understand and appreciate the sentiment, yes I would write that in the note. Then invite her over for dinner and she if she is willing to act her age about the whole thing.

 

:iagree:I have met many smart people who do not get food allergies at all:(

[SKL]

I did have a thought about the peanut allergy.

 

I probably would have considered going to the Brazilian restaurant and just packing sides for my allergic kid.

 

You'll never find a restaurant that is perfect for everyone. Sometimes it's good to give a little, though only if it can be done safely, of course.

 

I could kind of understand, if MIL already feels like you don't like her, that your refusal to go to any restaurant she likes is an attempt to avoid her.

 

Also, knowing your son is deathly allergic, why would you ask your MIL to suggest the place? Your dh should have had a list of suggestions and explained up front that these have been vetted for safety regarding ds's severe allergy. Can you see how that could have come across better?

 

I still think MIL acted inappropriately, but it sounds like she thinks you hate her, so that's probably motivating her silliness.

[Susan C.]

Insecurity with a little dementia for good measure :/

[Just Kate]

Oh just send her some chocolate covered strawberries next time, lol!! Sorry, friend, but I had to throw that in there!

 

I remember lots of your mil stories. Goodness, I have no advice. What does Don think you should do? If I were you, I would refuse to have any contact with her. Let him deal with his momma.

 

This was my first thought as well. ;)

 

(I remember those stories as well!)

[Mommy22alyns]

I gotta agree with cutting her off. She really wanted a 7yo kid to sit there and watch everyone else eat???

[momtokea]

How old is she?

 

I think she has dementia.

 

Personally, I wouldn't do anything. Let your dh handle it any way he wants. She's his mother. I would do whatever dh wants.

[RanchGirl]

I have a peanut-allergic kid and a rather difficult mother-in-law. As bad as she is, I simply cannot imagine her ever putting her choice of food above the well-being of her grandchild.

 

And then she is withholding birthday gifts to the kids to punish YOU for this supposed transgression? What a self-centered, pathetic excuse for a grandmother.

 

I wouldn't cut her off for life, no need to be as dramatic as her, but I sure wouldn't go out of my way to spend any time with her or EVER leave my child alone with her.

[Jpoy85]

Id cut her off like i have my own MILs.

[Anne in CA]

She certainly is a piece of work. I am pretty sure that she really just wants everything to be about her, all the time. I would show the actual texts to your SIL so that she really understands what went on and then I would not engage with this woman for any reason what so ever. She just wants control, and short of getting that she is going to cause you trouble. It would be a good example to your kids to see that if you don't treat people well they always have to option to leave.

[sweetbasil]

I did have a thought about the peanut allergy.

 

I probably would have considered going to the Brazilian restaurant and just packing sides for my allergic kid.

 

You'll never find a restaurant that is perfect for everyone. Sometimes it's good to give a little, though only if it can be done safely, of course.

 

I could kind of understand, if MIL already feels like you don't like her, that your refusal to go to any restaurant she likes is an attempt to avoid her.

 

Also, knowing your son is deathly allergic, why would you ask your MIL to suggest the place? Your dh should have had a list of suggestions and explained up front that these have been vetted for safety regarding ds's severe allergy. Can you see how that could have come across better?

 

I still think MIL acted inappropriately, but it sounds like she thinks you hate her, so that's probably motivating her silliness.

 

For one, meat can be marinated in peanut oil. If I had a highly allergic child, one bad "assumption" about the safety of food could have horrific consequences. Why would anyone take a chance with their child's life in order to please a selfish and demanding relative?

 

And I totally disagree that the OP is in any way responsible for the behavior of her MIL. Spreading lies is not "silliness."

[prairiewindmomma]

My MIL is crazy. For years I thought the drama was something I could fix, but in my MIL's case, I think the issues in our relationship with her are all her acting out her mental angst. The more she realizes that she can't control my dh or demand that we feed into her drama, the more she tries to escalate things.

 

I'm with the others....acknowledge to your child that she is being treated badly as part of the family drama....and move on. Don't engage the crazy lady.

[JVA]

Ronette- You've been dealing with this woman for a LONG time.... she appears to have NPD from all the stories I've heard about her. I'm sure you've heard/read the Boundaries books. If not, time to visit the library and read it.

You'r dh should be the one dealing with her and your sil. BUT, you two should agree on how that will happen. We had a NPD person in the family who passed away last year. Most of the family enabled her, but we chose to have limits/boundaries that , of course, she didn't follow or recognize. After 20+ plus years, my dh finally had to cut contact. It was on his side of the family. If it had been up to me, I would have cut the contact 30 years ago- she was a nut-job then and, as I predicted, the situation just detriorated and got worse. We aren't popular with the rest of the family but we had to protect our children (like you need to do for your little guy). Also, we lived closer to her than anyone else in the family and sometimes there were years when her behavior was an onslaught..never ending. You have to do what works for you.

I know you are being honest with your kids...it's painful that relatives become the object lesson of what 'not to do' ! We helped our kids see that we were approaching the NPD person and her husband in a scripture manner....but, to no avail. Hang in there. It's not the worst thing in the world to not have a sane grandma....she could be insane and have regular contact. Ugh.

Edited September 20, 2012 by JVA

[Unicorn.]

I'd get dh to set your sister straight.

 

Then I'd let the thing w/MIL go. By that, I mean, I would let the *relationship* go. I wouldn't call, email, etc. Nada.

 

She wants to throw tantrums, she can have at it w/out you guys as an audience.

 

I would NOT, in any way, shape or form, apologize, suck up, or ignore her bad behaviour and lying.

 

I have to admit, I get really frustrated of the 'be the bigger person' advice, b/c it always seems to amount to, 'ignore/enable her bad behaviour by not demanding she correct it, stick around and let her abuse you more!'

 

:iagree: Set the record straight w/ the sil, and then forget about her. If she calls, it gets answered dh. If he wants to go out to eat w/ her, he can, but you and the kids stay home. If she doesn't care about your allergy kid's allergies, then she doesn't care at all. Look up NPD.

[SKL]

For one, meat can be marinated in peanut oil. If I had a highly allergic child, one bad "assumption" about the safety of food could have horrific consequences. Why would anyone take a chance with their child's life in order to please a selfish and demanding relative?

 

 

Well, that would be true of most restaurants, so it seems to me that it was a bad idea to give the MIL the option to choose, unless from a pre-vetted list of restaurants.

 

I have relatives who will say "what do you want to do" and then they find something terribly wrong with each of my first 10 suggestions. Bah. I make them tell me what they want to do now. Because I'm not the one with restrictions.

[Denisemomof4]

I'd invite her to your house. I wouldn't get involved in screaming fits. Have your husband do the talking. I think it's horrible that family members fight in this way.

 

For what it's worth, no one in my family seems to remember my kid's allergies, even if I just reminded them one minute previously. It is very hard not to be upset about this.... I would just count on them not understanding and not being able to think about them, and not assume it's malicious.

 

Would you really assume it's not malicious if your family members told you to bring your kids to a celebration at a restaurant and NOT EAT? I just can't get over the fact that a GRANDMOTHER would do this.

 

CAMom, my mil was ALWAYS so nasty towards me. I tried so hard with her. I finally gave up entirely after 19 years, 17 married. I overlooked her coming to my home for dinner when I was cooking and bringing all her own food, then serving it and bragging about it to everyone, telling me she "can't eat that stuff." Even when I prepared food like she did and it tasted delicious. She would bring baked goods to our home when we lived next door to her or when we invited her here for the weekend after we moved. She would tell me they were for dh and the kids. She complained about everything I did, every time she saw me. She would wait for dh to leave the room to put her digs into me. And that's just a few issues to mention, a few of MANY. She had NOBODY in her life because she fought with everyone. Even now her dd's don't see her at all, one calls periodically. She is now in a nursing home. Anyway, the day she told me my dh could have a girlfriend because of all the money he pays to take care of "so many kids and animals" was the day that I said enough. She has not been back to our house since, and that was over five years ago. That May when I gave her a gift for her birthday and she complained about it, then gave dh the quilt I had made for her in CHina to give back to me, she never again got a gift. I used to go bring the kids and dogs to visit her in the nursing home but she really cared about nobody other than dh. I haven't seen her in years. I don't miss her and I don't feel bad.

 

I just don't do "crazy" anymore.

 

I think honoring our mothers on Mother's Day is a great thing, but we are mothers, too. I did spend Mother's Day with my mom. But I never once spent it with my mil. I have always encouraged a relationship between dh and his mom and I support it. But I will have nothing to do with her ever again. She was a crappy, crappy mother, and she has always been a crappy, crappy mil and grandmother.

 

I don't understand why mil's like her don't realize that they are pushing EVERYONE away. I really hope your dh has a long talk with her and lays down the law. What she was wanting your son to do is completely heartless and cruel. AND your dh's REAL family IS you and the kids. How ridiculous for your mil to insinuate otherwise?