Could you be friends with someone who thinks you're doing something terrible?

[Rivka]

I have a friend I really love. She is strongly opinionated, but so am I, so it doesn't usually bother me. She is also immensely caring. We can talk for hours about everything. She's the kind of person who will call me up to ask if she can borrow my kids for a trip to the zoo because her kids are "too old," and then she gives them a delightful but appropriately-full-of-boundaries outing. We met at church and teach each others' kids in Religious Education. I was her daughter's temporary guardian for a week of church family camp. She and her husband invite us to their beach house every summer and we have a fantastic time.

 

Recently she wrote this: http://badhomeschooler. tumblr. com/post/29862042794/and-in-conclusion. And I am having trouble setting it aside and moving on with our friendship.

 

I've been reading her blog right along, and even though I often disagreed with her, I appreciated that she was thinking about homeschooling from a liberal, communitarian perspective. I think the homeschooling movement often goes too far in the direction of "as long as my kids are okay, other people's kids are not my concern," so even though she and I came to different conclusions, I was glad she was writing and thinking about these issues.

 

But this last post is really hard not to take personally. "So here I am, realizing that my opinions of homeschooling are more or less what they were when I started this endeavor—it’s bad for society and people shouldn’t do it. [...] I really don’t want to think/talk/write about homeschooling anymore." "I bought [a book about homeschooling that Rivka recommended], only to realize that there are probably 10,000 books I am more interested in reading. I find the whole concept of homeschooling annoying."

 

I don't really need anyone here to rip apart her opinions about homeschooling for me. I have my own reasons for thinking she is wrong, and I am comfortable with our family's choices. I need emotional advice about the friendship.

 

How can you be good friends with someone who thinks you are doing something that is terrible for society? How can she be my friend if she thinks I'm doing something bad that I shouldn't do? On the one hand, our friendship is important enough to me that I feel like I ought to talk to her about how I feel. On the other hand, maybe the only reason we have a good friendship is that we don't talk about her opinion of my choices? And the "I don't want to talk about this annoying homeschooling stuff ever again" part definitely doesn't sound like an invitation to dialogue.

 

Literally two days before she wrote that post she invited me out to the movies and we had a great time and a great conversation. Next weekend our whole family is going to their beach house. She is not trying to distance herself from me. But I feel sad and hurt and... mortified.

 

How would you approach this?

Edited August 24, 2012 by Rivka
broke the link

[Mrs Mungo]

I think a lot of people with opinion-type blogs aren't writing them to make personal attacks, but general observations. There is always the thought behind them of, "oh, but obviously I didn't mean *you*!" It's thoughtless, but it's not something *I* would probably end a good friendship over, unless she was actively, directly telling me that I was doing a bad thing. I'm sorry you feel slighted. :grouphug:

[Miss Peregrine]

I will read the blog in a second but I just wanted to say she can see where all the traffic is coming from to her blog and most certainly could find this thread. Maybe if you break the link. . .

[Miss Peregrine]

I think a lot of people with opinion-type blogs aren't writing them to make personal attacks, but general observations. There is always the thought behind them of, "oh, but obviously I didn't mean *you*!" It's thoughtless, but it's not something *I* would probably end a good friendship over, unless she was actively, directly telling me that I was doing a bad thing. I'm sorry you feel slighted. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[sunnylady303]

I would talk to her. If your friendship is good and as close as it sounds like, hopefully she can understand your feelings.

 

I would recommend delicately telling her that reading that blog post made you wonder if she respected you or thought you were ruining our society. Perhaps she will have something helpful to say to that.

 

That is so hard. When I was a pastor, my very best friend didn't believe that women should be pastors. We had so many conversations around that because it made me feel like she was invalidating and disrespecting my whole identity when I really wanted her to love me and be proud of me.

 

When we would talk it became clear that she did love me and respected the work I did tremendously. She thought people were better off because of me but still disagreed with my theology on it. Somehow she really believed in what I was doing but disagreed in a larger way. That inconsistency has, over the years, made her do some thinking and me too. But it was soothing to talk to her about it.

 

I wish something similar for you. :grouphug:

[FriedClams]

You may want to pull the link - the traffic generated will link right back to this thread and it sounds to me that while your frustrated you love your friEnd.

[Delirium]

I would just not talk about school with her. I have plenty of every subject but ____ friends. Blank topic is just too heated but we're otherwise great friends.

[prairiewindmomma]

I would think that she doesn't have much of a social filter. I have friends and family who think it's crazy to have more than 1-2 children....I'm expecting my 5th. I think, for most of them, they see me as being "me" and forget that I fit into the class of people that they are railing against.

 

I've had similar experiences with homeschooling, cloth diapering, selective vaccinations, food allergies (people not believing they are real), and a long laundry list of other stuff. With some of those people, I've parted ways, but for most I just chalk it up to, "That was thoughtless and kind of stupid to say" mentally and I move on. I'm secure enough in who I am and what I'm doing that as long as they aren't being passive aggressive about it (or in my face), we just move on with life...

[dangermom]

Interesting, and a bummer for you. :grouphug:

 

But here's what I think. That post is pretty much all about her and her struggles with her opinions. She's got some serious cognitive dissonance (and probably burnout) going on, kwim? I happen to disagree with her conclusion, but whatevs. And we're not talking about that.

 

This is easy for me to say, because she's not my good friend and I'm not personally involved, but ....try not to take it personally. Be her friend if you possibly can, and talk about other stuff, and just give her some space on the homeschooling, and maybe in 40 years when you're both old and gray, she'll say something like "Remember when I was all worked up about public school vs. homeschooling and thought it was so dang important that everyone do what I thought was a good idea? How silly I was. I'm glad you put up with me."

 

 

As for whether I could do it, I think I could...but you have to understand that I've been a librarian for 15 years now and it's kind of rubbed off onto my personality. Half of my job is listening to insane opinions and smiling and nodding and helping people find what they want instead of arguing with them. ;)

Edited August 24, 2012 by dangermom

[justasque]

It's not about you. It's about her struggle with the fact that she's very pro-public schools but is homeschooling her daughter, and reconciling those two things. It's a journey, a process. She's letting you see her inner turmoil. I would grant her "safe space" to work these feelings out. Again, it's not about you at all. It's about her belief in, and work in support of, the public schools, and the challenges to those values that the homeschooling world will create. Allow her that struggle, as a friend.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I think a lot of people with opinion-type blogs aren't writing them to make personal attacks, but general observations. There is always the thought behind them of, "oh, but obviously I didn't mean *you*!" It's thoughtless, but it's not something *I* would probably end a good friendship over, unless she was actively, directly telling me that I was doing a bad thing. I'm sorry you feel slighted. :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

I will read the blog in a second but I just wanted to say she can see where all the traffic is coming from to her blog and most certainly could find this thread. Maybe if you break the link. . .

 

Very true. :(

 

Rivka, what if you could frame it this way: Ask yourself, "If Friend wanted to let me know that homeschooling is not her thing and she doesn't want to think about it, talk about it, read it, or acknowledge its existence even though she is doing it, for crying out loud, how might she attempt to let me (and the whole universe) know that this is no longer a topic that she will give any real estate in her head?"

 

If the answer is that she might blog about it, fairly bluntly but not extremely personally toward me or another homeschooling friend, then maybe that's what's going on.

 

If I loved her and wanted to keep her I would continue the mutually-satisfying aspects of our relationship but never mention homeschooling to her again unless she asks. Not hide it or downplay it because obviously it is your life right now, but not bring it up as a philosophical concept about which to converse.

 

I have these folks in my life, and religion is the taboo subject. It's very hard for me, because they seem like exactly the kind of people who could whack at the topic disinterestedly because they are educated, logical, and above all religious!, but I guess they can't. Or won't. Or they were really only tolerating it in me from the start, and got tired of pretending to be interested.

 

Does this way of seeing it help? :grouphug: I would be very, very hurt upon reading her blog post, but I would try to take it as a kind brushoff concerning one topic only. The fact that it's my main topic right now would make that hard, surely. :(

Edited August 24, 2012 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Zebra]

It's an excellent question. I would love to know the answer ;)!

 

It's a pretty controversial and judgmental stance for her to take. Homeschooling may be awful for HER, but she really can't make that call for anyone else.

 

It seems like you have to have some sort of conversation with her about it. Just that you read her blog entry, and you were kind of hurt by it. She says homeschoolers are awful, and where does that leave your friendship? I would want to know. Leaving the elephant in the room would be too hard for me.

[mommaduck]

:grouphug: I would not take it personally. She's being honest about where she is at. Homeschooling may not be a good fit for her. Yes, she's using a broad brush about homeschooling, but it really boils down to OPINION and we know how much that is worth. She's not really on the attack, but seems to be more along the lines of "didn't work for me; don't know how it can work for anyone else". That's her personal experience. She doesn't have the experience of those that have been successful homeschoolers and enjoy it as a lifestyle. Have grace with your friend. I pray she has grace with you also. It can hurt, but I can tell that you care about her.

 

To be honest, I found a couple of her other posts more offensive than that one. Oh well, just means that we don't share the same experiences nor the same world view. I'm glad that my friends that are teachers by profession don't feel the same about homeschooling parents as she does. In fact, several are both public school teachers and homeschooling parents.

Edited August 24, 2012 by mommaduck

[NorthwestMom]

I read it, and another post she made about the teaching profession, and I think you probably need to have a discussion with her. I would be hurt if a friend of mine posted that. It was very judgmental IMHO.

[Alice]

I might send her an email or call her and say just about what you said in your post. That you appreciate her point of view and that she is looking at it from a more community perspective, that you realize that in writing it on her blog she wasn’t specifically addressing you or asking for a response but that you read it and it made you feel sad.

 

I think you can have a friendship where you disagree about very fundamental things and on some level it’s probably good to not talk about it too much. No one wants a friend that is constantly bringing up a point of conflict. At the same time, if it’s a good friend you want to be able to be yourself and it’s ok to voice disagreement. My parents have been married for 40+ years and are on opposite points of the political spectrum. They certainly know the other person’s view but they just don’t talk about politics much.

[LG Gone Wild]

I have a friend I really love. She is strongly opinionated, but so am I, so it doesn't usually bother me. She is also immensely caring. We can talk for hours about everything. She's the kind of person who will call me up to ask if she can borrow my kids for a trip to the zoo because her kids are "too old," and then she gives them a delightful but appropriately-full-of-boundaries outing. We met at church and teach each others' kids in Religious Education. I was her daughter's temporary guardian for a week of church family camp. She and her husband invite us to their beach house every summer and we have a fantastic time.

 

Recently she wrote this: badhomeschooler.tumblr.com/post/29862042794/and-in-conclusion. And I am having trouble setting it aside and moving on with our friendship.

 

I've been reading her blog right along, and even though I often disagreed with her, I appreciated that she was thinking about homeschooling from a liberal, communitarian perspective. I think the homeschooling movement often goes too far in the direction of "as long as my kids are okay, other people's kids are not my concern," so even though she and I came to different conclusions, I was glad she was writing and thinking about these issues.

 

But this last post is really hard not to take personally. "So here I am, realizing that my opinions of homeschooling are more or less what they were when I started this endeavor—it’s bad for society and people shouldn’t do it. [...] I really don’t want to think/talk/write about homeschooling anymore." "I bought [a book about homeschooling that Rivka recommended], only to realize that there are probably 10,000 books I am more interested in reading. I find the whole concept of homeschooling annoying."

 

I don't really need anyone here to rip apart her opinions about homeschooling for me. I have my own reasons for thinking she is wrong, and I am comfortable with our family's choices. I need emotional advice about the friendship.

 

How can you be good friends with someone who thinks you are doing something that is terrible for society? How can she be my friend if she thinks I'm doing something bad that I shouldn't do? On the one hand, our friendship is important enough to me that I feel like I ought to talk to her about how I feel. On the other hand, maybe the only reason we have a good friendship is that we don't talk about her opinion of my choices? And the "I don't want to talk about this annoying homeschooling stuff ever again" part definitely doesn't sound like an invitation to dialogue.

 

Literally two days before she wrote that post she invited me out to the movies and we had a great time and a great conversation. Next weekend our whole family is going to their beach house. She is not trying to distance herself from me. But I feel sad and hurt and... mortified.

 

How would you approach this?

 

 

Would it be easier to think of you two belonging to two totally different religions that are caring friends.

 

I understand your pain but she loves you still despite *her* problems with homeschooling. Maybe she is done with talking about the subject but if she isn't distancing herself from you, she actually is still open to change. I would wait for her to bring up the subject, though.

[Parker Martin]

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

 

I have friends who think homeschooling is crazy.

I have friends who think being pro-life is horrible.

I have friends who think voting Republican is evil.

I have friends who think limiting media as much as I do is narrowing and small-minded.

I have friends who think believing in evolution makes a person non-Christian.

I have friends who think I am going to hell.

I have friends who think raising children in a religion approaches child abuse.

 

Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

I don't care. They don't either. (The people who do care wouldn't be friends with me anyway.)

 

Love crosses these boundaries.

[Sharon37127]

I don't have anything to offer you, but empathy (in relation to family).

 

All of my extended family feel we are damaging our children. On one hand, we hear lots of offers for "being there for us." At the same time, they are obvious in their disdain for what we have chosen. I don't have a clue how to handle it. One family member in particular seems to think we can have a close relationship (between her and our family & between she and I). Every time I have "tried," it feels so fake to me. I feel like I can't say anything about anything important to our family, because I feel like she is negating everything in her thoughts. I cannot relate to her. Our relationship is extremely superficial and there is this HUGE pink elephant in the room.

 

It's not so much that the differences of opinion create hostile conversations or anything like that. It's more importantly, that feeling that you "know" what is going on inside their head. It's just sits wrong inside of you.

[Dobela]

You know, it depends. How personal is homeschooling to you? I had a wonderful friend, one I had known since before we were married. I had a great time with her. She was a great confidant. But while accepting that I adopted an African American son, she made several comments to others about my being desperate to have kids and that is why I adopted transracially. I spoke to her, and it was like another poster said. She said it, as an observation, but still loved me, loved my son, and couldn't imagine our lives apart. However, when we brought home our dd, a comment about how she thought I was 'over all that' when I said the baby was also black, in the midst of a long conversation let me know that really, unless she was totally accepting of me, and my life, I really didn't want to keep her as a friend. Knowing that she was polite, while hiding disapproval of my choices, bothered me. I don't agree with all of my friends. But I do respect their decisions and life style, recognizing that we all have different paths.

 

You can still be friends, and just let homeschooling be the one topic you don't discuss. If that is too difficult, then you may just need to move on.

[Reflections]

I had a completely different thought when I read this. I read it before reading how you feel about it.

 

I took it to be sort of a struggle with these thoughts she has had in her mind. I've had those thoughts. Kind of like homeschooling is the last thing on earth she thought she would find herself doing because she believes in public schools and the concept of public education, but that it worked out and she is glad about it.

 

It feels like a tiny sliver of her feelings on the matter. A sort of tug of war in her mind that she has attempted to express in very few (flawed) words.

 

I could still be friends with this person.

 

:iagree: Yes, I too thought she was conflicted about homeschooling. Especially considering she HOMESCHOOLED her child.

 

All of us feel conflicted about some issues at some point in our lives. All of us have changed our minds about some issue at some point in our lives. We are all growing: who I am today is not who I was yesterday nor who I will be tomorrow.

 

I would stay friends. If you feel you HAVE to have a conversation with her about this blog post, I would IMO leave it open ended; such as "sooo, I saw your blog post about homeschooling Rhino...."

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, it depends how important the view of society is to your friendship.

 

I have very strongly held beliefs about what is and isn't good for society. I also have very strongly held beliefs about loving people exactly the way that they are. I also have very strongly held beliefs about having good friends inspire each other to become better than they were. None of these prevent me from friendships that don't meet all of those criteria. I personally don't have 'everything' in common with anyone, not even my husband, sadly. I tend to compartmentalize.

 

So although I would regret that she feels this way, it wouldn't stop me from being friends with her. I would wonder, though, how important this belief is TO HER, and whether it would stop her from respecting me. Seeing no evidence of that in our friendship, my tendency would be not to discuss it with her further.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Would it be easier to think of you two belonging to two totally different religions that are caring friends.

 

I understand your pain but she loves you still despite *her* problems with homeschooling. Maybe she is done with talking about the subject but if she isn't distancing herself from you, she actually is still open to change. I would wait for her to bring up the subject, though.

 

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

 

I have friends who think homeschooling is crazy.

I have friends who think being pro-life is horrible.

I have friends who think voting Republican is evil.

I have friends who think limiting media as much as I do is narrowing and small-minded.

I have friends who think believing in evolution makes a person non-Christian.

I have friends who think I am going to hell.

I have friends who think raising children in a religion approaches child abuse.

 

Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

I don't care. They don't either. (The people who do care wouldn't be friends with me anyway.)

 

Love crosses these boundaries.

:iagree::iagree:

 

I would still be her friend. Even the depth of friends that you are.

[JennyD]

 

Rivka, what if you could frame it this way: Ask yourself, "If Friend wanted to let me know that homeschooling is not her thing and she doesn't want to think about it, talk about it, read it, or acknowledge its existence even though she is doing it, for crying out loud, how might she attempt to let me (and the whole universe) know that this is no longer a topic that she will give any real estate in her head?"

 

If the answer is that she might blog about it, fairly bluntly but not extremely personally toward me or another homeschooling friend, then maybe that's what's going on.

 

If I loved her and wanted to keep her I would continue the mutually-satisfying aspects of our relationship but never mention homeschooling to her again unless she asks. Not hide it or downplay it because obviously it is your life right now, but not bring it up as a philosophical concept about which to converse.

 

(

 

:iagree:

 

The first time I read the post somehow I missed the fact that she actually homeschooled her own daughter, and from that perspective, I thought, "Wow, I would have a lot of trouble getting past this." But after reading the other posters referencing her homeschooling, and um, going back and belatedly noticing that the blog is named "bad homeschooler" (reading comprehension anyone?) I agree with those who have said that this is all about her, not you.

 

But sometimes these things can be hard to move beyond. As much as I love the internet, sometimes I feel that it has given me far too much information about what's going on in other people's heads.

 

I'm sorry about your friend. I hope the two of you can get past this.

[wapiti]

I agree with the others - in spite of the one broad statement, I'd interpret this as being about her own internal issues, i.e., not about you and what you do, just a little coda to her blog. I certainly wouldn't give up a dear friend over this, and I probably wouldn't even bring up the subject unless she wanted to discuss it (but then, I try to avoid all conflict).

[FairProspects]

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

 

I have friends who think homeschooling is crazy.

I have friends who think being pro-life is horrible.

I have friends who think voting Republican is evil.

I have friends who think limiting media as much as I do is narrowing and small-minded.

I have friends who think believing in evolution makes a person non-Christian.

I have friends who think I am going to hell.

I have friends who think raising children in a religion approaches child abuse.

 

Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

I don't care. They don't either. (The people who do care wouldn't be friends with me anyway.)

 

Love crosses these boundaries.

 

I agree, but what if the friend changes the rules? I have this going on right now with one of my friends. I don't care at all that she is Buddhist, but she has been absolutely attacking my religion all over the internet. I have no problem passing the bean dip, but it seems different if the person is in your face all the time telling you how horrible your beliefs are. Shouldn't the toleration go both ways if you want to stay friends?

Edited August 24, 2012 by FairProspects

[SKL]

Every one of my friends has different personal views on some things I do with my kids. That does not affect our friendship. The only time the friendship is threatened is if someone starts to feel too competitive or defensive about stuff that really isn't about him/her.

 

My very close friend doesn't have much of a filter and she has criticized many things about my parenting. How I feed them, how often I bathe them, what I do with their hair, how I dress them, how I discipline them, how I prioritize my time with them. I mean, pretty much everything if I think about it. Almost every day there is some comment. However, she considers me a good mom. Sometimes it sure doesn't seem that way, but I know it's true. And she means well, even if she's full of it, LOL.

 

What tends to really tick me off is when someone goes beyond having an opinion and takes an action that goes against my parenting. For example, feeding my kid something when I've told them not to. Or arguing in front of my kids about what I've said to them. That, I will complain about, and if it falls on deaf ears, they will have less time with my kids.

[Mommy22alyns]

That blog post, specifically, wouldn't bother me.

[dangermom]

I agree, but what if the friend changes the rules? I have this going on right now with one of my friends. I don't care at all that she is Buddhist, but she has been absolutely attacking my religion all over the internet. I have no problem passing the bean dip, but it seems different if the person is in your face all the time telling you how horrible your beliefs are. Shouldn't the toleration go both ways if you want to stay friends?

 

Goodness, that's rude. And probably not very Buddhist. Depending on my mood, I might have to be her best friend in order to show her that _____s are perfectly OK folks, or just do the more straightforward thing and have a talk with her.

 

Yes, toleration should go both ways. It doesn't always, though. (Let's see, if Rivka tolerates offensive opinions about homeschooling, and her friend tolerates her homeschooling, does that balance out?)

[Guest]

Love crosses these boundaries.

 

That's a profound and astute statement. Truly a framer.

[Little Nyssa]

She values YOU-- she calls you a good friend right in that very post. I might say, I'm sorry you didn't like the book I recommended.:grouphug:

[*lifeoftheparty*]

.

[Dory]

I could NEVER be friends with someone like that. EVER.

 

I think the things that you put on your blog, when you are spilling your "guts" out, are who you truly are inside and what you TRULY believe, regardless of whatever facade you put up when you aren't brave enough to be the real you around other people.

 

And she sounds like an arrogant hypocritical witch.

 

I would consider her words on the blog to be her TRUE feelings and all of her niceness to be a facade that she puts up when you are together. I would expect that she is judging you and speaking nasty about you behind your back (even if it's just to her husband), regardless of how nice she may seem.

 

That's how I would feel and why I could never be friends with that person.

 

But she didn't speak nasty about her. Rivka isn't named in the blog and the reference to her is in calling her a 'good friend'.

 

 

 

My best friend thinks that I'm going to destroy my kids homeschooling them. She thinks that I could contribute (as I have tried to in the past) to the school in our town. She has had her say and we have had our disagreements over it. It has been nasty on a couple occasions. In the end though, she still cares about me, and I still care about her, we might not agree, but there are a lot of things in life we don't agree on. Instead of us getting all angry and walking away from what is a very long term friendship, we put our differences behind us and continue to care about each other. She still thinks I'm nuts, I still think her parenting leaves a little to be desired, but that's fine. Neither of us is perfect.

[FairProspects]

Goodness, that's rude. And probably not very Buddhist. Depending on my mood, I might have to be her best friend in order to show her that _____s are perfectly OK folks, or just do the more straightforward thing and have a talk with her.

 

Yes, toleration should go both ways. It doesn't always, though. (Let's see, if Rivka tolerates offensive opinions about homeschooling, and her friend tolerates her homeschooling, does that balance out?)

 

Unfortunately, she already knows where I stand and the attacks continue because she is on a crusade to show everyone how evil my religion is. I finally knocked her out of my Facebook feed this morning after yet another vitriolic status update and her choice of the Book Club book this month which is all about how violent and dangerous Christianity is (which ironically, in another context is a book I might actually want to read).

 

Sometimes, when people won't let something go and agree to have differences, I'm not sure you can continue to be friends. It does make me sad though, and I hope Rivka and her friend can determine whether is is an essential difference of opinion or not.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I could NEVER be friends with someone like that. EVER.

 

I think the things that you put on your blog, when you are spilling your "guts" out, are who you truly are inside and what you TRULY believe, regardless of whatever facade you put up when you aren't brave enough to be the real you around other people.

 

And she sounds like an arrogant hypocritical witch.

 

I would consider her words on the blog to be her TRUE feelings and all of her niceness to be a facade that she puts up when you are together. I would expect that she is judging you and speaking nasty about you behind your back (even if it's just to her husband), regardless of how nice she may seem.

 

That's how I would feel and why I could never be friends with that person.

 

I didn't notice any mention of her religion at all, therefore she didn't sound like a witch to me.

 

I also don't see any reason to suppose that she's two-faced and verbally hatcheting Rivka to her DH every time they've been together. Talk about extrapolating and assigning ill intent!

[LeslieAnneLevine]

I think people who homeschool as a last resort can feel very far removed from other homeschoolers.

 

I had a friend like this once who told me, "I'm not like you, I didn't choose this, I would send her [her special needs child] to a school if I could." I think she felt very alone because the other homeschooling families she knew were doing it by choice. Her other child went to school.

 

Yet, these reluctant homeschoolers are sometimes put in a position of having to defend homeschooling. I'm sure it gets frustrating sometimes.

 

I can see why it bothered you, Rivka, but I'm not sure she thinks you are doing anything wrong. I can see why it would feel that way, though.

[CheerioKid]

I haven't read all the replies here, but I don't feel like this is a dealbreaker. She has opinions, but they are based on experience, and apparently a bad experience.

 

If you get along in pretty much every other aspect of your friendship, I don't see why this has to come between you. If she isn't bringing it up or giving you a hard time about it personally, I wouldn't worry about it.

[katilac]

The other factor I would consider is that blogs are hungry beasts; in their efforts to update, people will often post . . . almost anything, really.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

.

[katilac]

Okay, I went and read it, plus a few other posts. I probably wouldn't end a long friendship over it, but I'd probably have to avoid her for a while, because I have no poker face :D

 

Eh, she is just one of those annoying people who always say they will never do thus and so, and then when they do it, they carefully explain that it's due to a VERY special set of circumstances, and the fact that their kid is SO AMAZING.

 

With these people, it can never be: oh, hey, I learned that there is more than one way to do things, and that differing choices can be equally valid, how cool is that? No, it is still: yes, we did things differently, but that's 'cos we're so special, and everyone else really needs to keep up the status quo. I don't think it's related to home schooling in particular; she would be that way about anything.

 

Presumably, she has other qualities that make up for this.

[Impish]

Honestly, I'd cut and walk away.

 

I couldn't handle someone who disapproved of me in such a major way. Hsing is too much a part of our lives to have someone who thinks so negatively about it around. Plus, I'd worry that her attitude would affect the kids.

[JennyD]

 

Eh, she is just one of those annoying people who always say they will never do thus and so, and then when they do it, they carefully explain that it's due to a VERY special set of circumstances, and the fact that their kid is SO AMAZING.

 

With these people, it can never be: oh, hey, I learned that there is more than one way to do things, and that differing choices can be equally valid, how cool is that? No, it is still: yes, we did things differently, but that's 'cos we're so special, and everyone else really needs to keep up the status quo. I don't think it's related to home schooling in particular; she would be that way about anything.

 

Presumably, she has other qualities that make up for this.

 

This is such a good insight.

[Plucky]

If she is tolerable in person then I could remain friends. I have a couple friends that are radically different than me on the spectrum of beliefs. We all hs and have similar family values and for the most part it works. We aren't super close as our kids have grown now.

 

I have a feeling that if we all wrote public blogs and we all read them then our relationships would end. Blogs are funny things that way.

[QuirkyKapers]

I read the blog post several times. I had to think about it. It sounds like she was unhappy with the education that was being given to Rhino. She doesn't sound like she was committed to homeschooling but committed to trying something else for her daughter. Perhaps that is why she wasn't interested in the book about homeschooling. It sound if she had another option other than homeschooling, she would have done it. As it is, she tried it. It wasn't for her. She's moved on.

[MrsBasil]

I think it would be hard for me. Not because she disapproves of homeschooling exactly, but the conclusion that people shouldn't do it and that it's bad for society. The bad for society gives me more pause than I'd like to admit.

 

I have friends I disagree with regarding parenting stances, but I'm not close to people who I think are doing something horrible or who think I am.

 

I'm positive your friend is a wonderful person, but I would internalize her stance and feel judged if she were my friend. It would be hard to not feel scrutinized even if that's not her intent at all.

 

I suppose with such a close and loving friendship it is worth a try, but I would struggle.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Roadrunner]

If she is a really good friend, you should be able to battle it out over a nice glass of wine and still wake up and be friends. That would be a fun debate. If she gets nasty, good buy to her.

[Unicorn.]

I read the blog post several times. I had to think about it. It sounds like she was unhappy with the education that was being given to Rhino. She doesn't sound like she was committed to homeschooling but committed to trying something else for her daughter. Perhaps that is why she wasn't interested in the book about homeschooling. It sound if she had another option other than homeschooling, she would have done it. As it is, she tried it. It wasn't for her. She's moved on.

 

:iagree: It didn't bother me at all. I read it more as an insult to the ps that forced her to homeschool because they were lacking. She doesn't want to become a spokesman for or defender of, homeschooling and wishes ps was better. I wouldn't have a problem being her friend at all!

[Stacia]

Sure I would continue my friendship w/ no problems. Everyone is entitled to her opinion. I read hers as a lot of internal struggle over her own situation. Having a special needs teen is a lot on top of homeschooling, especially if you aren't super-committed to homeschooling in the first place.

 

About the homeschooling books reference. Eh. I AM a homeschooler (& have been for years) & I don't really care about reading hsing books either (even in the beginning). I can think of a billion other books I'd rather read too. Hsing books have never been at the top of my list of 'want to read'.

 

I wouldn't take it as a personal knock. If you're both straight-forward & strong in your beliefs, she probably assumed you wouldn't take issue w/ it, kwim?

 

There are a few things I feel strongly about. However, based on the area of the country where I live, along w/ the general mores/attitudes around me, many of our friends (esp. the hsing ones) violate the things I feel strongly about. Does it lessen our friendship? No. I know everyone has her own individual beliefs, ways to live life, etc....

 

I wouldn't even feel hurt by the piece. Go enjoy your friend. :001_smile:

[kokotg]

It would bother me a lot, and it might well affect my friendship. Whether it should or not....I don't know. I don't necessarily deal well with disapproval.

[mirth]

Maybe your friend thinks you homeschool out of necessity like she does/did.

[Dobela]

Maybe your friend thinks you homeschool out of necessity like she does/did.

You know, you never really know what someone thinks, even if they blog. A friend of mine takes about homeschoolers in broad terms and descriptions as well (all radical Christian extremists with no social skills and barely educating their kids) and somehow seems to see me as the exception to the rule.