cindergretta Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 So, I am having a miscarriage. I am trying to pretend that everything is Ok and that I am not devastated. But I basically want to hide and cry. The question is - how do I tell my dear youngest daughters, who have been so excited? They are only 3 & 6. I have no words. And I really don't want to be in tears when I tell them and right now, I am not sure I can pull that off. All I can think of is - "There isn't going to be a baby. I'm sorry you are disappointed." And hug them bunches and bunches because that is what I want to do anyway. But I am not prepared to answer questions. And my dad thinks I should just tell them it was a mistake and that I wasn't actually pregnant. Should I do that? I have a migraine creeping in and I desperately want to hide under my pillow and bawl. (This is our second loss in a row, just for general information. The littles don't know about the first one, but it is really complicating this one for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so sorry!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug:Very sorry to hear this. I had two miscarriages after my youngest was born and then went in to full blown menopause. It is heartbreaking. Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: So sorry. I would just tell them the truth whenever you feel like you can tell them without crying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so very sorry. :( I really don't know the best thing to tell your girls. I guess, to me, the best thing would be to tell them the truth. It would be hard, but I think that is what I would do in your situation. But either option has value. Do whatever you think is best. (yep, no help here! :confused: ) :grouphug: again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) I'm so sorry. I've been there...four times in a row...the last was twins I miscarried at 12 weeks. My kiddos were little, too, and we just told them that for some reason, the baby didn't develop properly and wouldn't be able to grow and be born. They seemed ok with that. Little ones are very resilient. Edited January 17, 2012 by DianeW88 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbkaren Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Praying for you and your family; I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chepyl Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I am so sorry. I have no advice, just :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 The question is - how do I tell my dear youngest daughters, who have been so excited? They are only 3 & 6. I have no words. And I really don't want to be in tears when I tell them and right now, I am not sure I can pull that off. All I can think of is - "There isn't going to be a baby. I'm sorry you are disappointed." And hug them bunches and bunches because that is what I want to do anyway. But I am not prepared to answer questions. And my dad thinks I should just tell them it was a mistake and that I wasn't actually pregnant. Should I do that? Wait until you're calmer to talk to the kids. They're both young and they'll forget all about it quickly. Be as matter-of-fact as you can, and tell them that you went to the doctor and it turns out you won't be having a baby after all. If they ask why, you can say that it wasn't strong enough to survive, but that you are OK and everything will be fine. Then take them out for ice cream or do something else to distract them. Again, I'm so very sorry. I had one miscarriage and it was devastating. I can't even imagine how horrible you must be feeling right now, but I'll pray for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I am so sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I am so sorry. I had two miscarriages between my first and second children. I think you should be honest with your children. Just explain it briefly, and then take time for yourself to rest and recover. Praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Oh, I am so, so sorry. What an awful thing. I think that what I would tell a young child would depend on what the situation is with the miscarriage. My daughter was almost three when I had a blighted ovum that wasn't discovered until 14 weeks. We told her "There isn't going to be a baby. We thought a baby was growing, but it turned out that Mama was just sick." If there had been fetal development, I might have said something like "A baby started to grow, but something went wrong and now there isn't going to be a baby." Please don't lie and say that you were never pregnant. It's too hard on you, as well as being unfair to them. I also think that it is just fine, and even important, to tell them that you are very, very sad about the baby. Is there someone else in their lives who could answer their questions? Because I'm sure they will have many. Could your husband do it? Your mother? A friend? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm sorry. :grouphug: I vote for a version of the truth. I don't think a "mistake" is a helpful explanation. Then you have to explain how you made a mistake. I would just say the baby didn't grow the right way. Be honest that you are sad. That it's ok to be sad but you will be fine, the girls will be fine, you love them very much, etc... I lost a baby at 18 weeks. Older dd was too young, but I have a cross Christmas ornament that is a remembrance and the girls have always known what it is for. We buy them an ornament every year and talk about them all as we put them on the tree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmericanMom Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I am so sorry.:grouphug: I've had three miscarriages. My husband told our kids, when I wasn't in the room. I couldn't handle it. The last one was 4 years ago. Last year after an elderly neighbor died, one of my kids told one of the others that the neighbor "got to meet our other brothers or sisters in heaven". :crying: I had no idea they even remembered it. Praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so very sorry. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Thank you for the help. Really. I appreciate it. I know my dad really means well, but that just didn't "feel" right, kwim? I will wait until I can speak about it without crying (can't even type about it, I am tears right now, hidden in my room) and then let dh handle the questions. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I told my kids, "The baby died," and started sobbing. It was the first time any of them had seen me cry. I think it's best to tell them the truth, jmo. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Just be honest with them. If you lie now, you have to keep it up forever. Lots of hugs for you and yours. It is so hard to lose a baby. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry. There's no hurry. Take care of you and your emotions for now. You can tell the girls when you're more ready, even if it's in a week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in the UP of MI Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: I've never suffered from a miscarriage, but my SIL had one last summer and ds's best friend's mom had one the summer before. The kids were really excited about both babies and we told them the truth: that the babies had died. We told them that usually babies are born, but sometimes something is wrong and the baby dies. They were sad, but we prayed for the babies every night for a long time afterward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: So sorry. I would just tell them the truth whenever you feel like you can tell them without crying. :iagree: :grouphug: :grouphug: many many good thoughts/prayers/hugs for you..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 When I had my ectopic back in September we'd not told the kids yet. I like to wait until I'm ready to tell the outside world because my kids can not keep anything to themselves. I went through some depression and DH sat the older girls down and told them what was going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in MI Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family. I'll pray. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: So, so sorry. I think I'd give them a simplified version of the truth like so many others have suggested. Be gentle on yourself mama. It's such a hard thing to go through. Put on a movie for your girls and go have a hot bath and a good cry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela Beshears Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm so sorry. You might find this website helpful: http://stillbirthday.com/ A friend of mine started it after having her own miscarriage last year, and struggled to find resources for how to handle everything. It has lots of stories and gentle suggestions. I hope you find it helpful during this difficult time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 So, I am having a miscarriage. I am trying to pretend that everything is Ok and that I am not devastated. But I basically want to hide and cry. The question is - how do I tell my dear youngest daughters, who have been so excited? They are only 3 & 6. I have no words. And I really don't want to be in tears when I tell them and right now, I am not sure I can pull that off. All I can think of is - "There isn't going to be a baby. I'm sorry you are disappointed." And hug them bunches and bunches because that is what I want to do anyway. But I am not prepared to answer questions. And my dad thinks I should just tell them it was a mistake and that I wasn't actually pregnant. Should I do that? I have a migraine creeping in and I desperately want to hide under my pillow and bawl. (This is our second loss in a row, just for general information. The littles don't know about the first one, but it is really complicating this one for me.) I am so sorry. :grouphug: I do not agree with your dad. Your children deserve to know that they do have a baby brother or sister, just not one they get to grow up with. I would say, "Sometimes, babies don't grow up healthy inside mommy's tummy (or whatever your wording is) and the baby doesn't live. That is what has happened. We will all be very sad not to have baby brother/sister to love and hold." I don't think I would focus on their disappointment, but rather show them that it is a sad loss for you all. Also, I wouldn't be too worried if you cry also. It's sad and there is nothing wrong with your children seeing that you are very sad also. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenpatty Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue in WI Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raceNzanesmom Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm so sorry! Having been there myself I know it so hard. I agree with the others, be honest. Handle it like you would any other death. Then let them grieve with you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am sorry for your loss. I told my children that the baby got very sick and died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Praying for your comfort and peace. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I am so sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB in NJ Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. You've gotten a lot of good advice, and I have nothing better to add. I do want to share with you that in 1998 I had a miscarriage (not my 1st either), and the messages from the dear ladies here helped me tremendously. They showed such love & compassion to me! I printed out the messages & still have them in my drawer. You might want to keep these notes, too. Will pray for you & your sweet family as you all go through this together. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Go crawl and hide and cry if needed. :grouphug::grouphug: DH can explain later if that would be easier but sometimes babies stop growing and nobody know why. And it is okay to be sad. I think dh told my boys. When it happened. He is just awesome. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: So sorry. I had 2 in a row between ds and dd (hence the huge age gap) The first one was at 13 and a half weeks, and I had just told ds at the 12 week mark. He was 3. Dh told him that mommy was going to be fine, but that the baby had gone up to be with God. That I needed time that day to say goodbye, and when I was ready I would need lots of hugs and kisses. I think it distracted him by him being able to help mommy. In the Spring we got a pear tree and planted it in memory of the baby. DS helped, and he helped pick pears. When my dd arrived I made those pears into baby food and other than baby rice it was her first solids. I still miss my little angels. But I would not have dd here with me or anywhere if my other 2 had made it. Two in a row is hard, but there is a plan, and you will be together one day when your work here is done.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
By Grace Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. We had a couple of m/c's in 2010, and it was the hardest thing I ever faced (even harder than the very difficult childhood I had). A couple of books that helped me, and are written on a child's level so would be appropriate to read for your children: http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Please-Dont-Cry-Heaven/dp/159052151X/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1326838379&sr=8-2 http://www.amazon.com/Tear-Soup-Pat-Schweibert/dp/0961519762/ref=pd_sim_b_33 And another one a friend of mine and I went through together, since we both had a m/c at about the same time: http://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Child-I-Never-Knew/dp/0310227771/ref=pd_sim_b_3 I personally feel it's important to be honest with the kids. You don't have to tell them *every*thing, but what you do tell them should be true. We had a 2nd m/c soon after the 1st, and I never told them about that one. But we didn't try to cover up the actual loss when they knew about the pg already. I'm really, really sorry for what you're going through. Lots of hugs... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 It is okay to cry when you tell your children. When we allow them to see us walk through hard times, they learn how to live life. I am very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrappyhappymama Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm so sorry! :grouphug: My children were too young to understand when I had my miscarriage, so I have no advice. Just :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 So sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and thoughts your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. You've gotten a lot of good advice, and I have nothing better to add. I do want to share with you that in 1998 I had a miscarriage (not my 1st either), and the messages from the dear ladies here helped me tremendously. They showed such love & compassion to me! I printed out the messages & still have them in my drawer. You might want to keep these notes, too. Will pray for you & your sweet family as you all go through this together. :grouphug: That is a very good idea and I will print this thread out. :grouphug: I have really appreciated the support. My dh was able to be home with me yesterday but had to work today. It has been so hard not having him here. :( But each of you has really helped fill in for him. Thank you so much. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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