Help with neighbor who is quizzing my dd

[snowbeltmom]

One of my dd's best friends lives in our neighborhood and attends the public school. My daughter came home from her friend's house last night very upset. Here is a little background first:

Homeschooling is not common in my area (We are the only homeschooling family in my large neighborhood.) We were in the public schools for 2 years, and I found the parents to be extremely competitive. In first grade other Mom's would ask me what books my daughter was reading, and I even found out that another Mom had gone through my daughter's backpack when my dd went on an afterschool playdate to her house. (I found out about this because this Mom had called another Mom because she was concerned that my daughter's 1st grade class was doing more advanced work than her daughter's class. This other Mom then called me to ask about my daughter's homework. I was amazed that neither of these moms thought nothing wrong with the whole situation.)

 

When we first started homeschooling 4 years ago, I was asked by many why we were homeschooling. My response was a simple "the school wasn't a good fit for my kids."

 

The mom of my dd's best friend has quizzed my daughter over the years. Last year, my dd came home from a playdate worried that she was not learning enough in science. My dd proceeded to tell me that this mom had asked my dd what she was learning in science. She then asked my dd if she had heard of DNA. My dd told her that she had not, and this mom then went on to ask her dd to explain DNA to my dd. This mom made my daughter feel really stupid because she didn't know this information.

 

Yesterday, this mom told the girls that they were going to play school with her. She then proceeded to give the girls math worksheets. My dd was upset because she felt like she was being quizzed again. This Mom even went and got an older sibling's math book and had my dd do problems out of that book. This mom then began asking my daughter what I was doing with her at home in order for her to know so much math.

 

I told my dd next time this happens to just say that she doesn't want to play school. My dd said that if she says that to the Mom, the Mom will think that she doesn't know the information. I told my dd that we don't care what this mom thinks, but this matters to dd.

 

My dd said that she does not want me to talk to this mom. My dd says that she will not go over to her friend's house anymore. She really likes her friend, and I am afraid that if she refuses to go over to her friend's house, the friendship may suffer.

 

If you are still reading, thanks. Any advice?

Edited September 12, 2011 by snowbeltmom

[Jean in Newcastle]

Listen to your dd - she has the right answer. Have all playdates at your house or at a mutually agreeable destination where you are there - the park, the zoo, the science museum. . . but make it all fun!

 

You can't legislate what this mother says when you've put her in charge of the playdate.

[Guest Mokek Kwe]

I'm not sure I really have any good advice, but I think the mom *might* be well-intentioned... and boundaryless. I think she should be called out on it. Do you think it would be helpful to provide your DD with scripts to use toward the friend's mom if she's trying to "play school" with your DD again?

 

"No thanks, I do school all day! Playing school when I could just be playing is kind of boring."

 

(Anyone else have any scripts that could work?)

[AuntieM]

Whoa!!! That is incredibly inappropriate!

 

When my kids were younger, I helped them practice general, polite but non-informative responses to the OCCASIONAL quiz question.

 

But your poor dd is getting grilled.

 

I would put an end to the play dates. Seriously. That mom is beyond rational.

 

If you want continued time for your daughter and friend, you host.

 

My child would not be in that woman's presence again.

 

As to the science, there's something you need to keep in mind. When you (or dd) listen to other ps students and parents talking about what their kids are learning, you are hearing only the bullet points. Bullet points around which you might likely build a much larger lesson. But, in my experience, especially at the earlier grade levels, the instruction doesn't usually go beyond those bullet points. The learning is often a mile wide yet an inch deep.

 

Do not let comparison be the death of your contentment.

Edited September 12, 2011 by AuntieM

[AK_Mom4]

Have your DD do what my DD10 does - when she feels like someone is "quizzing" her, she starts giving wrong answers. Really wrong answers 3x6=36 type of wrong answers. She gets this more than most because she is a bit advanced in math and folks find it difficult to believe.

 

She has also been known to ask the person "Why do you need to know?", but I'm afraid that's her snarky mom rubbing off on her......

[ktgrok]

Maybe talk to the mom but not in a confrontational way? Just say causally, oh, I heard you were asking about dd's schoolwork. Were you curious about homeschooling? I'd be happy to give you some book or article recommendations. Then the ball is in her court and she can ask her questions of you instead of trying to find out through your daughter.

[sassenach]

Ok, maybe I'm a dying breed, but I would have a direct conversation with the mom. I would use a kind tone of voice, but I would let her know that she crossed a line. I would let her know that I am happy to answer any questions that she has, but she is not allowed to mine my child for information. I would let her know that dd has requested playdates at your home for awhile. Friendly, but firm.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Invite the mom over during school sometime. She is obviously very curious! Whether its a jealously thing or just honest curiosity. People who are not used to home schooling are generally very curious about it and have thoughts in their heads about it (sometimes correct, sometimes VERY far off) and that could stop any quizzing or gossiping amongst friends about it. Be open and honest. If your daughter does not want you to talk to her this may be the only way to get her to stop quizzing your daughter!!

[Parrothead]

I think I'd have to let the other mom know that I found the incident highly insulting. Furthermore, I'd tell her that dd is not a performing monkey and any questions that the mom has about homeschooling should be directed to me - adult to adult.

[snowbeltmom]

Maybe talk to the mom but not in a confrontational way? Just say causally, oh, I heard you were asking about dd's schoolwork. Were you curious about homeschooling? I'd be happy to give you some book or article recommendations. Then the ball is in her court and she can ask her questions of you instead of trying to find out through your daughter.

 

I have tried this approach previously when my dd has come home after the mom has asked her math questions. I casually told the mom if she ever wants to see the math program I am using that I would be happy to show her. I told her it is a program that many parents use as a supplement to a child's public school program.

 

Yesterday was the first time my dd was given actual worksheets. Maybe I also should have mentioned that this mom also made a snide comment to my oldest son the last time she saw him which leads me to think that there is more going on than her just being curious.

[snowbeltmom]

 

As to the science, there's something you need to keep in mind. When you (or dd) listen to other ps students and parents talking about what their kids are learning, you are hearing only the bullet points. Bullet points around which you might likely build a much larger lesson. But, in my experience, especially at the earlier grade levels, the instruction doesn't usually go beyond those bullet points. The learning is often a mile wide yet an inch deep.

 

Do not let comparison be the death of your contentment.

 

This is what I pointed out to my dd at the time. I explained to her that she is not learning the same concepts at the same time as her friends in public school. I told her that we do not compare her to anyone else; she is learning what her dad and I think is important for her to know and she is not to worry that she is not learning the same things as her p.s. friends.

 

There is a lot of public school pride in my community. I know that some people view us as rejecting the public schools even though I have never bashed them to anyone in the community. When the mom who went through the backpack found out we were going to homeschool, she told me that it is the mom's job to make sure the child is happy; it is the school's job to educate the child. My dd has not played with her dd since.

[athomemom]

I think that a good ole heart to heart is in order. This lady needs to get a life and worry about her own child. Why has she made it her job to quiz your children? I would not let my dd go back to this house friend or not.

Edited September 12, 2011 by athomemom
Spelling

[AuntieM]

This is what I pointed out to my dd at the time. I explained to her that she is not learning the same concepts at the same time as her friends in public school. I told her that we do not compare her to anyone else; she is learning what her dad and I think is important for her to know and she is not to worry that she is not learning the same things as her p.s. friends.

 

There is a lot of public school pride in my community. I know that some people view us as rejecting the public schools even though I have never bashed them to anyone in the community. When the mom who went through the backpack found out we were going to homeschool, she told me that it is the mom's job to make sure the child is happy; it is the school's job to educate the child. My dd has not played with her dd since.

 

Sounds to me like you are handling things quite well!

 

[ETA We were in the same situation at our last two houses - outstanding school district, yada yada... I was treated like a freak! But I had to realize that when these folks got to know my kids, the reason for their reaction was truly, most likely, a deep fear that the "best"'district in the state - the one they had scrapped and saved and bought a certain house to get into - was not giving their kids the best education. Add to that that we all carry around a bit (or a lot!) of mama-guilt, don't we? I know I am always tempted to question my own choices, am I doing enough, etc, etc. No one is comfortable when they think their parenting/schooling choices aren't the best; even though you have never stirred the issue up with them, just your presence as a home schooler may be enough to have gotten those wheels turning for the ps moms. Swimming against the current has all sorts of unexpected challenges, doesn't it! But I noticed from your sig line (after my first response) that you have older kids, too, so you're probably no stranger to that. ]

 

I can only guess that this current quizzer is coming from either a highly competitive bent, OR, what she may think of as a highly sympathetic one (ie, "I am going to help that poor undereducated home schooler"). Mighty prideful of her either way.

 

I feel bad for your dd, though. This behavior should never come from a best friend's mother. :grouphug:

Edited September 12, 2011 by AuntieM

[tiredmommyof8]

Whoa!!! That is incredibly inappropriate!

 

When my kids were younger, I helped them practice general, polite but non-informative responses to the OCCASIONAL quiz question.

 

But your poor dd is getting grilled.

 

I would put an end to the play dates. Seriously. That mom is beyond rational.

 

If you want continued time for your daughter and friend, you host.

 

My child would not be in that woman's presence again.

 

:iagree: I personally would be highly PO'd and the only way my child would play with that little girl again would be in my presence. Honestly I'd probably write them off of my play date list and move on to someone else.

[snowbeltmom]

:iagree: I personally would be highly PO'd and the only way my child would play with that little girl again would be in my presence. Honestly I'd probably write them off of my play date list and move on to someone else.

 

I am glad to read that you'll don't think my dd or me is overreacting to the situation. The little girl is a very well-behaved, friendly child. My dd does not have very many options for neighborhood friends, so I would hate for her to lose the friendship because of the mom.

 

I guess for now, my dd will just have to ask that her friend always come to play at our house. We'll see how that goes...maybe that will solve the problem. I am just not sure that her friend will always want to play at our house; sometimes she insists that they play at her house. I can't blame her because she does have better outdoor play equipment in her yard.

[Mommy22alyns]

Yep, DD would not be playing over at their house anymore. :glare:

[snowbeltmom]

 

[ETA We were in the same situation at our last two houses - outstanding school district, yada yada... I was treated like a freak! But I had to realize that when these folks got to know my kids, the reason for their reaction was truly, most likely, a deep fear that the "best"'district in the state - the one they had scrapped and saved and bought a certain house to get into - was not giving their kids the best education. Add to that that we all carry around a bit (or a lot!) of mama-guilt, don't we?

 

I can only guess that this current quizzer is coming from either a highly competitive bent, OR, what she may think of as a highly sympathetic one (ie, "I am going to help that poor undereducated home schooler"). Mighty prideful of her either way.

 

I feel bad for your dd, though. This behavior should never come from a best friend's mother. :grouphug:

 

Up until this summer, I would have reason to question whether the mom was competitive or sympathetic (worrying that dd wasn't learning enough.)

However, last school year my oldest took an AP class at our high school so he could play on the sports team. He was the only freshman in a class of seniors. Toward the end of the year, he wrote a letter to the school board thanking them for having a policy to allow him to take a class at the school so he could play on the team. (No other school system in our area has such a policy - you either enroll full-time or you can't play a sport.)

 

Things snowballed after this simple two paragraph letter was received. The letter was read at the school board meeting. Shortly thereafter, a reporter from our local paper called and asked to do an interview. The newspaper article was 3/4 of a page with a huge picture. My son had won a number of academic and athletic awards that up until the article my neighbors and friends had been unaware of. The article also detailed some of our homeschooling programs. My husband and I received a number of phone calls and cards from friends stating that they now understand why we are homeschooling. Except from the snide comment my ds received from this mom, no one from my neighborhood commented.

[Stacie Leigh]

She has clearly embarrassed your DD and put you both in bad position. What she's doing is totally inappropriate.

 

I would respond by embarrassing her with kindness and openness in return. Do as a pp said and say to her "DD says you're super curious about how we do school here. I wanted to see if you would like to come over for school on x date and join us for lunch?" (Be sincere and offer a real time. Don't do anything out of the ordinary or your dd will call you on it in front of her, lol!)

 

That's my 2 cents! :)

[Forget-Me-Not]

Ok, maybe I'm a dying breed, but I would have a direct conversation with the mom. I would use a kind tone of voice, but I would let her know that she crossed a line. I would let her know that I am happy to answer any questions that she has, but she is not allowed to mine my child for information. I would let her know that dd has requested playdates at your home for awhile. Friendly, but firm.

 

:iagree:

[KnitWit]

Yes, I agree with having a kind and calm conversation with the mom.

 

However, after 14 years of homeschooling, I will tell you that sometimes you just have to speak plainly and say "KNOCK. IT. OFF.".

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Ok, maybe I'm a dying breed, but I would have a direct conversation with the mom. I would use a kind tone of voice, but I would let her know that she crossed a line. I would let her know that I am happy to answer any questions that she has, but she is not allowed to mine my child for information. I would let her know that dd has requested playdates at your home for awhile. Friendly, but firm.

 

I would mention to the other mom that you think it puts your dd in a no win situation. If she isn't familiar with whatever the question is about, it makes her feel like she's done something wrong, when it may be more of a matter of "scope and sequence" (and I'd use that phrase). If she does know a lot about something that the woman's dd isn't familiar with, then it makes dd's friend feel small and uneducated and risks her thinking that your dd is a show off.

 

So how about if the girls' friendship is based on what they enjoy in common, whether that is robotics, Doctor Who, Percy Jackson books or Justin Bieber. Not try to turn their friendship into some kind of a competition.

[RanchGirl]

Your poor dd, she's in a no-win situation. Either she makes this mom think she is stupid, or she makes her friend feel stupid.

 

I'm with your dd... confrontation probably won't go well, so let her stop going over there for now. If you get to know this mom well in the future, the topic might come up naturally and you could influence her, but for now, I'd just have dd avoid the situation.

[snowbeltmom]

Your poor dd, she's in a no-win situation. Either she makes this mom think she is stupid, or she makes her friend feel stupid.

 

 

:iagree: Another tidbit that I forgot to mention was that yesterday, in addition to the worksheets, the mom went through her dd's graded homework folder pointing out to my dd that her friend got an A+ on a math assignment. This also made my dd uncomfortable.

[elegantlion]

I think that a good ole heart to heart is in order. This lady needs to get a life and worry about her own child. Why has she made it her job to quiz your children? I would not let my dd go back to this house friend or not.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Who is this mother trying to be friends with? Seriously, your dd goes to play and mom pulls out worksheets. Holy Macaroni, Batman!!! Sorry, not appropriate. I'd probably call and confront her about it, knowing that it may cost a friendship and my hands would be shaking the whole time. I would be beyond livid.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Sounds to me like the mother of your dd's friend is the one who is insecure. Parents who act like that usually have their identity wrapped up in their children's academic prowess. Regardless, she is WAY out of line!

[myfunnybunch]

I would not allow dd to go to their house any more. I think your dd is on the right track. She is a child, and the mom is an adult who is using her authority to cross some major boundaries to satisfy some weird need of her own. That's not okay. If the mom called to schedule play at her house, I'd say no thank you, and if she pressed, I'd tell her why.

 

I think you've really only got two choices that keep your dd from having to experience this again: Talk to the mom directly, or don't allow your dd to be alone with that mom.

 

If *I* had a friendship with the mom, I'd talk to her directly. Kind but firm. That is not to ever happen again. I can't imagine that she does this to her dd's friends who attend different public schools to make sure that their schoolteachers are teaching properly.

 

If the relationship exists mainly between the two girls, a possible outcome of that conversation might be that the mom decides to end the friendship between the girls. In that case, I'd only say something up front if your dd is willing to risk the friendship. If she's not, I'd just stick to not letting her play there any more and see how it goes. You might still end up having the conversation at some point, but it allows the girls' friendship to focus on their common interests and not their academics.

 

:confused: What is wrong with people? I cannot imagine doing this to a child. Ever.

 

Cat

[snowbeltmom]

:iagree:

 

Who is this mother trying to be friends with? Seriously, your dd goes to play and mom pulls out worksheets. Holy Macaroni, Batman!!! Sorry, not appropriate. I'd probably call and confront her about it, knowing that it may cost a friendship and my hands would be shaking the whole time. I would be beyond livid.

 

This is what I really want to do. The only thing that is stopping me (and it is a big thing) is that my dd specifically asked me not to say anything to the mom. I have an excellent relationship with my dd. With the teenage years not so far off, I want to do everything in my power to keep our relationship strong. I would lose my dd's trust if I did what I really want to do. My dd really likes the daughter. If this weren't the case, this problem would be very easy to fix.

[DawnM]

Gracious! It sounds to me as if that mom would grill your child no matter what. She is competitive and just wants to reassure herself that her child knows more than your child. Obviously, your child doesn't know less, but she is purposefully choosing topics she has recently studied and knows about and thinks your dd may not be as well informed in that area.

 

My neighbor across the street is rude like that. Her little precious child comes over and makes rude comments about homeschooling that I KNOW come strait from her mother.

 

One day her mother was here and started in on HSing. Honestly, it turned into a bit of a p*ssing contest.

 

She started in with how her daughter was in gifted, etc.....and then went on to talk about her job as a preschool teacher. She was lamenting not making more $$ and I commented that perhaps she should teach public school. First of all, her reaction was priceless! She gasped and said that she couldn't handle that (really, but you will put your daughter there?) and then when I said, "Oh, that is too bad. I taught public high school for 16 years," she about fell over! :lol:

 

She hasn't mentioned homeschooling again to me! ;)

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would be so tempted to put an end to this NOW even if it meant hurt feelings or issues between the two of you. She cannot fight with fire and not expect to get burned.

 

Dawn

[Jennifer3141]

This is what I really want to do. The only thing that is stopping me (and it is a big thing) is that my dd specifically asked me not to say anything to the mom. I have an excellent relationship with my dd. With the teenage years not so far off, I want to do everything in my power to keep our relationship strong. I would lose my dd's trust if I did what I really want to do. My dd really likes the daughter. If this weren't the case, this problem would be very easy to fix.

 

I would explain to your DD that you cannot allow this situation to continue because it will damage her friendship with the other DD.

 

And then I'd kindly call this other mom up and tell her that if she has any other testing or school questions for your DD, that she direct them to YOU first so that she not mess up how/what you're teaching. :)

[HeidiKC]

Ok, maybe I'm a dying breed, but I would have a direct conversation with the mom. I would use a kind tone of voice, but I would let her know that she crossed a line. I would let her know that I am happy to answer any questions that she has, but she is not allowed to mine my child for information. I would let her know that dd has requested playdates at your home for awhile. Friendly, but firm.

 

:iagree:

[HeidiKC]

I can see that your dd might feel uncomfortable talking to the mom, but could she maybe talk to her friend? Her friend is going to invite her over, and your dd could say she'd rather they play at your house because she is tired of being quizzed with school games, etc. I think she should lay it out there. And who cares if the mom thinks maybe that means your daughter is "behind". I'm sure she knows by now that she isn't anyway!

 

I think this would be a good time to teach your daughter to politely deal with a situation. I don't think her friend would be offended and would understand.

 

Good luck - I feel so bad for your daughter!

[Pretty in Pink]

I would call the other mom. I realize your dd asked you not to. I would just tell my child that I was going to handle the situation, period.

 

I would say to the other mom, "Little Suzy was telling me about the math worksheets you gave the girls to complete the other day. Why did you do that?" Perhaps she thinks you guys are 'advanced' academically and she wants to see how her own child measures up. IDK. I would tell her that she is welcome to come by one day and observe us schooling but that I don't want her quizzing my child anymore. I'd be polite but firm -- there would be no doubt in her mind the point I was making.

[texasmama]

Listen to your dd - she has the right answer. Have all playdates at your house or at a mutually agreeable destination where you are there - the park, the zoo, the science museum. . . but make it all fun!

 

You can't legislate what this mother says when you've put her in charge of the playdate.

 

:iagree: You will likely not be able to "cure" this type of ignorance and intrusiveness with a talk with the mom so just control the environment so your dd is not exposed to it.

[catz]

Up until this summer, I would have reason to question whether the mom was competitive or sympathetic (worrying that dd wasn't learning enough.)

However, last school year my oldest took an AP class at our high school so he could play on the sports team. He was the only freshman in a class of seniors. Toward the end of the year, he wrote a letter to the school board thanking them for having a policy to allow him to take a class at the school so he could play on the team. (No other school system in our area has such a policy - you either enroll full-time or you can't play a sport.)

 

Things snowballed after this simple two paragraph letter was received. The letter was read at the school board meeting. Shortly thereafter, a reporter from our local paper called and asked to do an interview. The newspaper article was 3/4 of a page with a huge picture. My son had won a number of academic and athletic awards that up until the article my neighbors and friends had been unaware of. The article also detailed some of our homeschooling programs. My husband and I received a number of phone calls and cards from friends stating that they now understand why we are homeschooling. Except from the snide comment my ds received from this mom, no one from my neighborhood commented.

 

Oh boy. And given what your daughter is working on in your sig, your daughter obviously a very bright child. I think sticking to your house is a good call if this has been an ongoing issue with this mom. Yikes!

 

Honestly, it was this type of competitive avenue with having a very bright child that helped lead us to homeschooling.

Edited September 12, 2011 by kck

[CalicoKat]

One of my dd's best friends lives in our neighborhood and attends the public school. My daughter came home from her friend's house last night very upset. Here is a little background first:

Homeschooling is not common in my area (We are the only homeschooling family in my large neighborhood.) We were in the public schools for 2 years, and I found the parents to be extremely competitive. In first grade other Mom's would ask me what books my daughter was reading, and I even found out that another Mom had gone through my daughter's backpack when my dd went on an afterschool playdate to her house. (I found out about this because this Mom had called another Mom because she was concerned that my daughter's 1st grade class was doing more advanced work than her daughter's class. This other Mom then called me to ask about my daughter's homework. I was amazed that neither of these moms thought nothing wrong with the whole situation.)

 

When we first started homeschooling 4 years ago, I was asked by many why we were homeschooling. My response was a simple "the school wasn't a good fit for my kids."

 

The mom of my dd's best friend has quizzed my daughter over the years. Last year, my dd came home from a playdate worried that she was not learning enough in science. My dd proceeded to tell me that this mom had asked my dd what she was learning in science. She then asked my dd if she had heard of DNA. My dd told her that she had not, and this mom then went on to ask her dd to explain DNA to my dd. This mom made my daughter feel really stupid because she didn't know this information.

 

Yesterday, this mom told the girls that they were going to play school with her. She then proceeded to give the girls math worksheets. My dd was upset because she felt like she was being quizzed again. This Mom even went and got an older sibling's math book and had my dd do problems out of that book. This mom then began asking my daughter what I was doing with her at home in order for her to know so much math.

 

I told my dd next time this happens to just say that she doesn't want to play school. My dd said that if she says that to the Mom, the Mom will think that she doesn't know the information. I told my dd that we don't care what this mom thinks, but this matters to dd.

 

My dd said that she does not want me to talk to this mom. My dd says that she will not go over to her friend's house anymore. She really likes her friend, and I am afraid that if she refuses to go over to her friend's house, the friendship may suffer.

 

If you are still reading, thanks. Any advice?

Your daughter sounds very wise. The friendship is already suffering because of what the mom is doing. I'd follow your daughter's lead and let it be. Time to find new friends.

[snowbeltmom]

Honestly, it was this type of competitive avenue with having a very bright child that helped lead us to homeschooling.

 

I am very happy to be out of that competitive environment. We had moved into the district after being at a Montessori school for 4 years - talk about culture shock!

 

The mom of one of my daughter's friends from Girl Scouts is a teacher in the public school. She mentioned to me one day when she came to pick up her dd from my house that some of the moms in my neighborhood are difficult (she didn't mention any names.) She said a number of teachers have gone to the principal of the school demanding that she does something to curtail these moms. This mom (teacher) told me that the school has never had such a problem.

[Sun]

I would mention to the other mom that you think it puts your dd in a no win situation. If she isn't familiar with whatever the question is about, it makes her feel like she's done something wrong, when it may be more of a matter of "scope and sequence" (and I'd use that phrase). If she does know a lot about something that the woman's dd isn't familiar with, then it makes dd's friend feel small and uneducated and risks her thinking that your dd is a show off.

 

So how about if the girls' friendship is based on what they enjoy in common, whether that is robotics, Doctor Who, Percy Jackson books or Justin Bieber. Not try to turn their friendship into some kind of a competition.

 

:iagree: I would approach the other mom very gently--the way I'd want someone to approach me. The other girl is a good friend of your daughter's, so there's really no benefit from telling the other mother how inappropriate her prying is. I'd just gently point out that it makes your daughter uncomfortable. I'd probably say something like this:

"I just wanted to mention that DD feels very uncomfortable when you play school or ask her questions about school or school subjects. I know that you completely didn't mean for that to happen, so I just wanted to let you know and ask if you'd mind steering clear of those subjects and types of games with her. It's great that the girls can be such good friends, and I wouldn't want DD to feel uncomfortable about playdates! I hope you don't mind that I mentioned it, but I knew that making her uncomfortable was the furthest thing from your mind, so I wanted to let you know."

Saying something like that basically makes the other mother apologize and agree that she never intended to make your DD uncomfortable. It also subtly lets her know that you do know about these things and will follow up. I know your DD doesn't want you to discuss it with her, but if it were my child, I'd do so anyway.

[Truscifi]

I can see that your dd might feel uncomfortable talking to the mom, but could she maybe talk to her friend? Her friend is going to invite her over, and your dd could say she'd rather they play at your house because she is tired of being quizzed with school games, etc. I think she should lay it out there. And who cares if the mom thinks maybe that means your daughter is "behind". I'm sure she knows by now that she isn't anyway!

 

I think this would be a good time to teach your daughter to politely deal with a situation. I don't think her friend would be offended and would understand.

 

Good luck - I feel so bad for your daughter!

 

:iagree: I would follow your daughter's lead on this for now. I would also let her know that if friend's mom pushes the issue you will step in at that point.

[WishboneDawn]

I know a lot of people are saying to approach the other mom directly but honestly, I suspect she's the kind of person that would need things spelled out VERY clearly.

 

If she's so oblivious that she thinks this kind of behaviour is appropriate she is not going to get any message that's not very direct and blunt. And likely anything that direct will offend her. After all, she was just looking out for the OP's daughter, right?;)

 

I think the daughter's idea is best. No more visits to the friend's house period. Say nothing and simply invite the girl over.

 

It's actually how I deal with one of my son's friend's family. I have absolutely zero trust in the family and about the same amount for the friend. So he plays here where I can keep an eye on the two if them rather then at his house where he can be his normal trouble-making self without real supervision.

[LMD]

This is what I really want to do. The only thing that is stopping me (and it is a big thing) is that my dd specifically asked me not to say anything to the mom. I have an excellent relationship with my dd. With the teenage years not so far off, I want to do everything in my power to keep our relationship strong. I would lose my dd's trust if I did what I really want to do. My dd really likes the daughter. If this weren't the case, this problem would be very easy to fix.

 

 

Your daughter sounds amazing! If your DD is being mature about this, and feels strongly about you not jumping in to fix it for her, then I'd work with your DD about how to deal with it. I'm thinking something like "I'm proud that you are wanting to put effort into your friendships and are confident enough to want to handle this yourself, however it is a big enough problem that mom needs to help you with some techniques." Then I'd practice/role play some scripted comments - letting her come up with some too. These include answers to her friend as to why she only wants playdates at your house, as well as dealing with boundary-crossing adults.

[Orthodox6]

I hope your dd can preserve the friendship with the other girl, as they do like each other.

 

The other mom is so far out-of-line, I would "freeze" that connection by whatever means are necessary. Just wait until she starts "playing school" and force-feeding her religion, her morals, her politics, her dietary choices, her . . . etc. !

[Lolly]

It sounds to me like your dd knows what she is doing. If you follow her lead, it will help to build a strong bridge between the two of you for the years to come. Right now, there is no real harm being done. I would just laugh with dd over how ridiculous the other mother is, make sure your dd is reassured that what you are doing for school is just fine (science), and avoid the situation when possible. Sometimes dealing with a little discomfort in order to be with a close friend is something we do. Your dd is old enough to know when enough is enough in this situation. She can always bow out and come home. I think you are doing right to listen to her.

[Harriet Vane]

Ok, maybe I'm a dying breed, but I would have a direct conversation with the mom. I would use a kind tone of voice, but I would let her know that she crossed a line. I would let her know that I am happy to answer any questions that she has, but she is not allowed to mine my child for information. I would let her know that dd has requested playdates at your home for awhile. Friendly, but firm.

 

:iagree:

[iluvmy4blessings]

I literally would never allow my child to play with that child again. That would be the end of that relationship with those neighbors. I admittedly am very paranoid and I don't like snoops. Someone asking too many questions makes me suspicious. I would be wondering if she was trying to gather info to report me to CPS for..well...I don't know what...not teaching about DNA in enough time?? But seriously, someone like that is out to cause trouble if you ask me. And even though it's not your dd's friend's fault I would still cut off the contact.

 

Admittedly, I might be on the extreme end of opinions :)

[kalanamak]

:iagree: You will likely not be able to "cure" this type of ignorance and intrusiveness with a talk with the mom so just control the environment so your dd is not exposed to it.

 

This mom sounds anxious or OCD. This is just not NORmal behavior. Perhaps send daughter with some Mike's will make Mom chill. :D

 

Can you train your daughter to smile very angelically and say "Sorry, I'm done with school for the day." Not to pick up a pencil. Say "No, thanks" in the sweeeeeeeeeetist sugggggggggggary voice humanly possible, cock head to side and smile like one on Valium.

[HS Mom in NC]

Remarkably obnoxious. This neighhbor clearly has boundary issues and I think children need to learn that when boundaries are violated, confrontation is necessary even if it's uncomfortable to confront.

 

I would say something the neighbor straight out in a pleasant tone. Something like, "I understand you were quizzing my daughter and looking at her school books. Why?" I would wait expectantly for an answer. I can't imagine any response from her that I wouldn't follow with," If you have any questions about her education you may direct them only to me in the future and if those questions are appropriate I'll be happy answer them, but the quizzing and other educational evaluations are my job, not yours."

 

If you think making a rule of only having play dates at your house is a way to avoid the issue, you're wrong. It may delay it briefly, but eventually the friend will ask, "Why don't we do something at my house? " and your daughter will have answer. When her mother hears the kid isn't allowed at her house, Miss No Respect For Boundaries will be very upset.

[Belacqua]

I feel for this woman's daughter. Sounds like NoBoundariesMom is desperate to compare her kid to others, and that's sad.

 

We had a neighbor like that, and I ended up distancing myself from her. She wasn't nearly as pushy and intrusive as the OP's problem, but when our kids were young she would quiz me incessantly about what my son was reading, what educational computer games he played, even what I ate when I was pregnant. She was unmistakably disappointed in her son, who was a sweet, funny, good-looking, athletic, kind kid who was also an average student. It felt like she was taking notes for her next child, hoping that one would be more academically inclined. Made for some mighty awkward playdates.

[TeaCookiesBears]

I literally would never allow my child to play with that child again. That would be the end of that relationship with those neighbors. I admittedly am very paranoid and I don't like snoops. Someone asking too many questions makes me suspicious. I would be wondering if she was trying to gather info to report me to CPS for..well...I don't know what...not teaching about DNA in enough time?? But seriously, someone like that is out to cause trouble if you ask me. And even though it's not your dd's friend's fault I would still cut off the contact.

 

Admittedly, I might be on the extreme end of opinions :)

 

:iagree: I guess I might be paranoid too but I was feeling the same way. I think this woman has a motive and see no good coming from this.

[Joanne]

Some of the approaches in this thread are just too nice; and maybe too passive.

 

The mom referenced in the OP has egregious boundary issues. She is not the type of person to respond to casual, "nice" approaches. A woman who would do what she's done (and notice it's gotten progressively more intrusive) won't respond to indirect and vague.

 

OP, normally, I'd be all over supporting repsecting your dd's wishes, and I *heart* your mention of the autonomy that should grow as she moves into teen years.

 

However, she has run into a person (this other mom) whose issues are > her maturity. That is why your dd is a minor with a parent. ;)

 

My approach would be direct, it would *not* be a discussion, and it would make clear 2 things:

 

1. Knock it off

2. The mom cost her own dd a friendship

[snowbeltmom]

Thank you, everyone, for all of the responses. You have all given me a lot to think about.