At what age did you tell your kids about the mechanics of s*x?

[Chris in VA]

Not the whole anatomy lesson stuff (periods, w*t dreams, etc) but the actual "what happens" during the act?

 

Dd has family life ed next week at school--she's ten, and they tell it all, and spend a day going over disease, too. It seems early to me. I get why, and I've told her about her own body, preparing for puberty, etc, but the actual act seems like it's TMI. I think she has a vague idea of what it is. We chatted briefly the other day, and I told her that a man and a woman are needed to make a baby, and said that was one outcome of having sex, and she said, "Oh, that's why she's called The Virgin Mary!" (She's involved in the nativity play at church). I told her that's one of the reasons Mary was surprised. (Her line in the play is "But how can this be? I am not yet Joseph's wife.")

 

Anyway, when do you introduce the Big Bang, so to speak? :lol:

[littlebug42]

I think it depends on the child. I also thought it was early but the "age-appropriate" books that I purchased for my daughter did not answer her questions. She has a very scientific mind and vague doesn't work for her. I finally had to break out a science encyclopedia that explained it pretty blow by blow. It answered her question, thoroughly disgusted her and she hasn't mentioned it again. She was 7.

 

My younger daughter is now 7 and she has no interest in such things at all. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

[Caitilin]

I started talking to my dds about this at 9; now at thirteen after several conversations, I don't think they have any doubts about the mechanics of it. :D

[LaissezFaire]

I think it's more of a readiness thing not so much an age thing. I told my eldest DD's at age 9. They were ready completely (And one of them had watched her brother being born when she was 7 anyway. I figured I owed her). My DS is now almost 10 and I am still not quite sure if he is ready. I will probably talk to him at some point between 10 and 11.

 

This of course is the full s*x talk. I never keep development stuff from them. If they ask, I tell them. My kids know about menstruation pretty much from when they are old enough to ask what pads or tampons are when they see them in my bathroom.

[Julie in CA]

Anyway, when do you introduce the Big Bang, so to speak? :lol:

Presumably, the day before their wedding is too late, huh? :D (I'd better get right on this!) Actually, my kids know most of what they know from the natural procreation that happens on a working farm. My dh's preference was to tell the kids when they were little that the cows were "playing piggyback", but that was a no-go for me. :001_smile:

[Kim in Appalachia]

I still remember the conversation with the oldest, and the face she made.

 

I think the boys will be a bit older, well at least my oldest boy will be. He is clearly not ready for the topic, so we will wait. My 2nd ds is more aware of things, and may need that talk sooner.

[Leola]

I agree it being more about readiness than age. My oldest 2 really didn't seem to care at all. My 3rd has been trying to figure it out since preschool. It started with how do they get out? And a vague answer wasn't enough. :001_huh: That kid needs to have the questions answered. So we have just approached it when they are ready.

[WTMindy]

Around 6th grade for both of our kids.

[Mejane]

Around 9, I think. They knew all about menstruation, where babies come from, etc., before that, though.

[KidsHappen]

I started very young. With the oldest two as soon as I was pregnant with number three and with all other with each successive pregnancy with olders getting repeated info each time. The youngest maybe a little later but definitely when her oldest sister was pregnant with her first. All but the youngest have attended births. We had formal conversations and casual on the spur of the moment coversations. I answered any and all questions including pretty personal ones regarding mechanics, feelings, Org*sm, they fact that their father and I still have s*x (ewww), how often and if we enjoy it. I am very open with my children. I have many books on the subject which they are free to puruse at their discretion. I answer questions regarding technicalities for the olders and refer them to other sources if I can not. I am comfortable with my family dr. discussing this info with them and believe me, he is just as open and forward as I am. In spite of all of this, I do not know that I would be comfortable with them having such a class in school especially if you have not had the chance to discuss this at home first.

[Daisy]

I told my daughter when she was ten, but she has started her period. I wanted her fully armed so to speak. Prior to age 9, we had discussed little by little the changes her body would go through, puberty, child development, inappropriate touching, etc. But the BIG BANG as you put it was at about 10/10.5.

 

There is still much I need to discuss with my daughter. I've always just spaced it out and talked casually about it. No need to make a big production out of it, imo.

 

My son is 8yo and I've talked with him about women's menstrual cycles, child development, & inappropriate touching. I'm waiting on hubby to talk with him about puberty because I don't even know what all to tell the boy.

[jplain]

Just before she turned 7, my daughter asked how the sperm get to the egg. I explained.

 

My husband and I are trying to ensure that the topic of sexuality doesn't gain taboo status within our family, so I was pleased that she asked.

Honestly I was surprised she hadn't asked earlier, as she already knew a bit about menstrual cycles and both male and female reproductive anatomy.

My 4yo was in the room at the time, but the conversation went over her head. I just asked her what you need to make a baby, and she said, "Egg...and tummy?" :)

Edited December 8, 2010 by jplain

[Barry Goldwater]

...living on a farm made this a very natural conversation to have a young age... :tongue_smilie: it was no big deal...

[NanceXToo]

By 5 or 6 when my kids started asking questions, I'd read them a book geared toward kids, but which were forthright and DID describe the mechanics- in basic, simple terms. I believe the most recent book I used with my now 10 y/o was one by Dr. Ruth Westheimer. I never really kept it a secret or anything.

[laundrycrisis]

Seven.

[DarcyB]

We've briefly covered the beginnings of the how, when he began asking questions when he was 9, but it didn't go much further into the 'bang' so to speak. But when given a brief explanation and visual as to the umm..beginning? He said..after much hysterical laughter....."It's like legos!" I said EXACTLY, and we moved on to math. LOL

[JeneralMom]

My DS7 and DS6 know and have for a while. I think my DD4 already knows, but I will need to talk to her about it - she was listening in on the explanation but was 2.5 at the time.

[Halcyon]

Age 7 for my older when he asked. 5 year old hasn't asked yet.

[Verity]

My oldest was about 8 years old and asked alot about sex when I was pregnant with my youngest. He wanted to see actual pictures of the female anatomy, so I found some very clinical diagrams and showed him. Once he saw it the mystique wore off and he was fine and didn't ask any more questions.

As much as I would prefer to shelter my kids from excessive sexual knowledge especially in public school fifth grade is not too early. In my area there are regular stories of middle school (6th-8th grade) students being "caught" in school bathrooms involved in various sexual acts. If that isn't a good reason to homeschool I don't know what is! Anyway, it's important for kids to know beforehand what makes babies, etc... it's a shame it's come to this.

[kewb]

Ds was 7 and dd was 5. Ds was asking a lot of questions and dd was not (still isn't) one to be left out.

[Abigail4476]

When I was growing up, s*x was completely taboo, and the extent of my education was being silently handed a book by Dr. James Dobson 2 weeks before my wedding. It was text only; there were no pictures; I was definitely in for a shock. LOL!!! My husband was nearly as sheltered, although he did get a bit of an *education* from his older brother.

 

Anyway, we didn't want to take that approach with our kids. I wanted s*x to be treated as a normal, healthy part of adult human interaction. Nothing embarrassing; private, but not shameful.

 

Our approach has been: To answer nearly every question as plainly (and casually) as possible whenever it was asked. My assumption is if they're old enough to wonder aloud, they deserve a concise answer.

 

I had talks with my girls regarding personal health and hygiene starting at around age 11. I didn't want them to be surprised by their periods, or given wrong info from their friends.

 

As far as a thorough birds and the bees discussion (with details): Supplemental Lesson 28 of BJU Press 7th grade science is a good place to start. Also, we live out in the country, so they have all seen dogs, cows & horses getting it on (or trying to). My 8 year old has watched Milo & Otis multiple times, which shows kittens & puppies being born. We had a dog who had puppies, so they got to watch her nurse the puppies, lick off the membrane, etc.

 

If you consider reproduction as a total subject, and not just limited to human sexuality, you may find it easier to address.

 

Personally, I wouldn't offer full disclosure until my children were at least middle school aged, other than answering their questions.

[wapiti]

No one told me when I was growing up, and I think I figured it out around 13 or something. So I don't want that to happen to dd (who is 9). I remember feeling totally out of the loop (I was shy and awkward as it was:glare:). But still, from the perspective of a mom, 13 sounds so young!! :lol:

 

I bought some books a while back, to have on hand in case the need should arise. I guess it's time I started taking a look at them. I never know what questions tomorrow will bring.

 

Yuck. I don't want to think about any of this. And I certainly don't want dd to have this knowledge just yet - she's maturing more every day, but she still needs practice being discreet about conversations/topics.

[elegantlion]

About age 9-10. Ds was not remotely curious, had asked no questions etc. Dh covered the specifics in a private conversation.

[Britomart]

We've briefly covered the beginnings of the how, when he began asking questions when he was 9, but it didn't go much further into the 'bang' so to speak. But when given a brief explanation and visual as to the umm..beginning? He said..after much hysterical laughter....."It's like legos!" I said EXACTLY, and we moved on to math. LOL

 

"Like legos!" is hilarious. Great conceptualization for a kid that age.

 

To answer the OP: basic mechanics? Pretty early. About 3 or 4, I think, when it came up due to my pregnancies. The younger ones haven't asked yet, so I haven't had any such discussion with them.

 

Our general policy is to answer any questions honestly, without fuss, and without elaboration. They don't need to know a lot right now, but I figure if I answer their questions honestly, as they grow, and that kind of conversation actually becomes important, they'll already know they can come to me and my husband and ask, and we'll give them real information without freaking out. My parents answered me honestly, and growing up, I always appreciated it (and, since they answered me honestly about biology, I was inclined to believe what they said about morality), and I want my kids to have the same good experience.

[Plucky]

I told my kids at ages 10-11. They really didn't ask much and still don't. I have to bring the topic up every 6 months to a year. I want them to learn from us about sex. They have all been horrified and grossed out by it. As far as they are concerned we've only done it 4 times. LOL

[sparrow]

We got questions when we got chickens. The kids were 8 and 7. They wanted to know if we'd get any chicks from our eggs. I explained that we wouldn't because we don't have a rooster to fertilize the eggs. That led to loads more questions regarding many other critters and humans getting their eggs fertilized and how that happens :D.

[smrtmama]

Because I had my 2nd and 3rd babies at home, and because my eldest is such a little scientist, we talked about the biological components (egg and sperm) and pregnancy/birth by age 5 (when I was pregnant with baby 2) and then about the mechanics of intercourse before baby 3. He also has a great book on human development, It's Perfectly Normal, which I wish we'd given him a couple years earlier.

[gardening momma]

My 3rd has been trying to figure it out since preschool. It started with how do they get out? And a vague answer wasn't enough. :001_huh:

I told my dc that girls have a "baby hole" down there, and that's where babies come out. :)

[Cinder]

Dh told our ds's. I think they were about 10yo. After he'd told our younger son he let me know they'd had *that* talk . . . in case ds started looking at me funny. :D

 

Cinder

 

ETA: just to clarify, this wasn't the only time dh had talked to ds. They'd had many "talks" leading up to the one about mechanics. And still others afterward.

[Heather in WI]

Just the mechanics were discussed with our oldest two around the ages of 7-8 with the Kingfisher First Human Body Encyclopedia.

[Laura Corin]

Calvin asked at about 3 1/2, so I told him. I told Hobbes at around seven.

 

Laura

[mamalbh]

I haven't got to read all the replies, but I definitely agree that readiness needs to be a big part of deciding when. My oldest is my little scientist, and frequently figures things out on her own. She started asking about how babies come about when she was 7, I gave her a few vauge details then. When she turned 8 I told her the whole story - she looked at me just like I was reading an article about magnets. She wasn't giggly or grossed out at all. My younger dd on the other hand, thinks everything involving the body is gross, gets giggly and uncomfortable thinking about any bodily functions. I will probably tell her when she's 9 1/2 or so. I wouldn't want to wait much longer than that, I actually think if they get past 10 or so it's more awkward for them because their bodies have already started changing.

[Holly in FL]

The Legos analogy is great!

 

Smiles!

 

~Holly

[Joanne]

All along using age-appropriate language.

[DarcyB]

When I was growing up, s*x was completely taboo, and the extent of my education was being silently handed a book by Dr. James Dobson 2 weeks before my wedding. It was text only; there were no pictures; I was definitely in for a shock. LOL!!!

 

That's more than I got *shrug*. Good thing I was interested enough in it to find out on my own LOLOL. My parents never said a word. ever. Even started menstruating, Mom just handed me a box of pads, said, "No, you can't use tampons until you're married.", and assumed the movie we saw at school would be enough to educate me.

 

DH learned by reading textbooks at school.

 

Needless to say, we're pretty open with both of the boys about all of it, because neither of us want them to be educated in the manner we were.

[Lolly]

Dd1 at age 2 (She asked. Yes, she understood.). Dd2 and 3 around 9. Ds was 11.

[Nakia]

Starting when they are pretty small, we talk about puberty and periods and such. When they start asking, I tell them about the sperm and egg. Last summer, when Anna was 9, she asked how the sperm got to the egg. So we had that talk. We are very open about it all.

[fairfarmhand]

Presumably, the day before their wedding is too late, huh? :D (I'd better get right on this!) Actually, my kids know most of what they know from the natural procreation that happens on a working farm. My dh's preference was to tell the kids when they were little that the cows were "playing piggyback", but that was a no-go for me. :001_smile:

 

 

I know somebody that told the kids the bull was playing "wheelbarrow" with the cows.

[freethinkermama]

My daughter was my oldest, and we've always had an "ask anything" policy in our house, and bathroom doors tend to be thrown opne at any time--by the children, I mean. So, they learned about periods when they were little. My oldest, by the time she was 7 understood the mechanics because she wanted to know how the sperm got to the egg. Boy learned when he was 6. . . can't remember how it came up. Oh, I remember, we have a couple of books--the Wonderful Way Babies are Made, It's Perfectly Normal and another, I think, and I let the kids keep them in their rooms. I don't feel that information on these matters should be kept up on a high shelf until a parent feels comfortable, they should be accessible for when the child wants information.

 

So, my son read the Wonderful Way Babies are Made (Christian)--both the big print and the little print.

 

We also have "It's Perfectly Normal" (Which is secular and contains a lot of things my Christian friend are shocked at). My now 9 and 7 year olds have both read that several times. My boy was in his room the other day reading it, and I asked him if it was interesting, and he said it was. :)

 

T.

[bettyandbob]

my oldest, very early reader, knew everything (mechanics, contraception, physical development) from reading a Dorling Kindersley encyclopedia meant for middle schoolers at age 6. It even had pictures. He read it and then paper clipped the pages and told dh and I we weren't permitted to read them. I hadn't thought to look for that in the encyclopedia

 

dd--I explained it at 8 and again at 11.

 

youngest ds is 9 and not very verbal and so much explanation on this stuff yet.

[Scarlett]

Ds10 was only about 7. He INSISTED on knowing EXACTLY what sex is. He too would not take vague answers. So I found a good book that well, explained it. I will never forget the look on his face, 'Well. Wasn't expecting that.' Hilarious. And his worthless father walking to the door, hearing the topic and immediately turning tail and leavingthe room.

 

But anyway, the biggest problem for me was to keep him from explaining it to all his friends. :glare:

[freethinkermama]

He read it and then paper clipped the pages and told dh and I we weren't permitted to read them. I hadn't thought to look for that in the encyclopedia

 

.

 

:lol:

So cute!

[Night Elf]

When they asked specific questions that required specific answers. I have always been honest with the kids and if I didn't feel ready to discuss something on the spot, I told them I needed time to think about how I wanted to answer them. But I've been open with all of them about everything.

[AnitaMcC]

IMO non-parental led instruction about s*x before 5th grade (age 10/11) is too young.

 

I feel that parents should talk to their kids first before the kids get it in schools, etc. But if the child hasn't shown any curiosity of it, I wouldn't go into too much depth (I am talking about the nitty gritty of s*x).

 

Our schools do a s*x ed class in second semester of 5th grade that covers the basics of puberty, STD's, how babies are made, but not the indepth information of what s*x feels like, etc.

 

We started talking to Dd earlier (she was a young 9 if I remember correctly) because in our family girls often start menstrating age 10 so I didn't want her surprised and shocked like I was.

 

I think all my kids gradually learned about s*x and puberty since about age 3-4 when they started asking simple questions about where babies come from or when they see nature at its best when we went to zoos and all -LOL. We try to keep it simple to their level of curiosity and comprehension.

Edited December 9, 2010 by AnitaMcC

[kalanamak]

 

Anyway, when do you introduce the Big Bang, so to speak? :lol:

 

I took the easy way: I started kiddo on the reproducing video from Trials of Life series by David Attenborough (he'd seen all the others....which I got from Goodwill, and the reproduction vid was unopened :lol:). Kiddo did fine until they got to the elephant. I'll never forget him dropping his spoon and running from the room! He was three. The next couple of times he left just as the elephants came on the screen. After that, he was fine. He's rather technical about it now. We did corpus carvernosum enactment, recently, with long balloons.

[Laurie4b]

We were going to do the "Wait until they ask" thing, but ds#1 asked at the dinner table when we had guests over. We put him off till later and he didn't ask again. But when he got his first real Bible (translation, not story Bible) in 3rd grade, we told all the kids (age 2-8) via a really nice book the name of which I can't remember. The illustrations were by the "Wild Things' illustrator. They were ho-hum matter of fact about it. (Ds #1's favorite Bible story was about King David, so we figured he'd start there and get right into se-ual stuff. We wanted to put down a foundation first. )

[Tree House Academy]

My oldest son was around 8-10. We started talking around 8 when he asked lots of questions. Over the years, he has asked more and more and I have divulged more and more. Still, though, he seems to not totally understand it all. For instance, he was under the impression that you have s*x one time, make a baby, and then you are done with s*x. LOL Kind of like building a house...you know, once it is done, you are good. ROFL! I laughed till I hurt and then told him that one day, when he is MARRIED and 45 years old, he will WANT to have s*x more than once (...a day being as he is MALE! LOL)

[IsabelC]

They all knew about childbirth, menstruation etc pretty much right from the beginning. (I'll always remember my son's disappointment when he found out that he'll never get his period lol). As for actual s*x, none of them seem interested so far (not that we've pushed it at all, as the eldest is only 7). They have all seen chooks and other creatures mating, and seen some illustrations of humans doing it (not very explicit ones, just bodies entwined under the sheets) and are aware that adults do it similarly to other animals. They have been told that adults have s*x for reasons other than reproduction, and that there are ways to prevent pregnancy (although since this was very much mentioned in passing, no doubt it's something we'll need to revisit when they get closer to the relevant age).