Teens

[Mom-ninja.]

Ok, for the past few weeks here I've been reading posts about teens/young adults, and these posts have not been good. Drug/alcohol use, rebellion, rudeness, and so forth.

 

I also hear these stories IRL all the time. I always hear, "Oh, wait till they're teenagers. Then you'll have problems and you'll wish for the days of diapers, teething, and six yr old tantrums."

 

I hear this from everyone who has raised, or is currently raising teens.

 

Please, please let me know if anyone out there is not dealing with bad teen issues.

 

I mean, does it have to be that way? Do I just give myself up to the fate that I will have a bad relationship with my sons, and will have to deal with negative behavior?

 

I understand that teens go through a natural separation from parents, as it should be, but does it have to be as horrid as I hear?

 

Does anyone have a teen or older, that has a good relationship with them?

 

 

Disclaimer: Please don't think I'm bashing anyone at all. I'm not questioning anyone's parenting at all. I also don't want to discourage anyone from seeking support and advise here. I just want to hear some positive stories as well. :grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

I had a very good relationship with my two dds who are now 31 and 29. The worst that we dealt with was rebellion with the younger one -- and I mean rebellion with an upper case R. I learned alot about tough love, she learned alot about tough love. It's like a marathon, I guess. I cried, and threw my hands up in despair, and worried, and prayed, and prayed, and worried, and prayed, and found good therapists, BUT never let her see me as anything but unwavering as far as what was expected of her and the path she should take.

 

It's tough! It's beyond tough! And, I think that there are as many different experiences, good, bad, uber-bad, uber-good......as there are kids.

 

I am a talker -- I never stopped talking to my kids.......I never stop talking to my kids.

 

Wish I could offer more, and I see what you are talking about -- there is so much bad news out there about teens.

 

ETA: It did turn out well: dd29 has completed two years of med school, she is married, and she has been undergoing treatment for 3 years for Chronic Lyme Disease. She is improving at a pace that is causing her to take steps to go back to med school (she has passed her Boards and is ready to do rotations). She is an incredibly hard working individual and always has been. DD31 is married with two little girls, and dd and her dh are both high school physics teachers. DD31 is also incredibly hard working.

Edited June 6, 2010 by MariannNOVA

[Susan in TX]

I have not had any serious problems with my teens. They have all been great, responsible, hard working kids...can't say enough good about them. However, raising teens has still been the most difficult season of parenting for me. And I feel like all those people who told me when all my kids were little that it gets easier were wrong...in many ways it is much, much, harder.

 

Susan in TX

[MamaT]

I have two grown sons and a son who will be 17 next month. So far, we have no terrible teen rebellion, no alcohol/drug/sex problems. We have been blessed beyond measure and I thank God every day. My dh and I are very close to all three of them.

[Anne]

I have not had any serious problems with my teens. They have all been great, responsible, hard working kids...can't say enough good about them. However, raising teens has still been the most difficult season of parenting for me. And I feel like all those people who told me when all my kids were little that it gets easier were wrong...in many ways it is much, much, harder.

 

Susan in TX

 

:iagree: My were great teens - and now they're great adults. One is getting married this summer to a fine young man and one is still in college. They are mature and responsible, they love the Lord and have had no serious rebellion issues.

 

That said, seeing them through their teen years was incredibly challenging. It required more patience, self-control and endurance from me than anything else I've done. It has also been the most rewarding thing I've done.

 

I know many parents who have had similar experiences to mine, so I definitely do not think that ALL teens WILL rebel or that there WILL be fractured relationships. But good relationships, successful teens don't happen in a vaccum - it takes a lot of work, a lot of patience and cooperation on your teen's part. Sometimes it is easy to get the idea that "if we homeschool, then everything will be fine" - Ain't necessarily So, as many fine parents can attest!!

 

Anne

[Jane in NC]

Not only is my eighteen year old son a pleasant young man, most of his friends (male and female) are delightful kids.

 

That said, we know too many teens who have found themselves in trouble, often alcohol or drug related. These are kids from single parent and two parent families, affluent and not so.

 

Keeping lines of communication open is key. Trusting your kids to make the right decisions because they have solid foundations. Talk, talk, talk.

 

Adolescent boys have their dark cloud moments. Send them off for vigorous exercise, then talk some more.

[Desert Rat]

I don't have teens yet but I think it may be a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease. We don't hear much about the great teens because, well, they are great! My ds10 is a very difficult child. I'm hoping that his teen years are easier. I've heard it can happen. (Sshhh....don't tell me if you think I'm diluding myself....I like my make believe world!)

[2cents]

My oldest is 19 and we never had any problems. He is quiet and a homebody and is a lot like his dad. He is doing great in college and we're very proud of him. :) The girls are getting into the teen years and things are going well. It is nice to have their older brother as such a great role model. :)

[Caroline]

Adolescent boys have their dark cloud moments. Send them off for vigorous exercise, then talk some more.

 

I have a fifteen year old son, and I am going to try to remember this advice. Sending him for a run and then continuing the talking sounds like such a great idea. He does have dark cloud moments.

[Mom25girls]

My oldest is almost 17 and one of my best friends. It's a delight watching the world through her eyes. DISCLAIMER: This is my easiest to parent child. She was an easy infant, toddler, etc. We're quite sure that the ride will be much more "adventurous" with the four younger girls!

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 18, 2023 by J-rap

[Mejane]

My kids (17 and 14) are two of the nicest, most interesting people I know. My daughter, the 17yo, does not date yet (says she's not ready and is too busy), and is an honors student at cc. She actually enjoys spending time with her family! Both kids are respectful. I think the majority of behavior comes from expectations, and ours are that our kids will be polite and do what's right. Case closed. ;)

[Quiver0f10]

We have had six teens so far and have had no trouble. They are all good kids who love the Lord, obey us, work hard in school and at their jobs and are pleasant to be with. I agree with the others that it is more work than with younger kids.

[Sugarfoot]

My oldest DS is only 14, he'll be 15 at the end of August. So far, he and his 12 y.o. sister have been great!

 

We work hard to stay truly interested in their interests and support their hobbies, or hobby, I should say, that's starting to look like a future vocation.

 

Here's what our teen and close-to-teen spend their time doing:

 

http://www.dierenfeldtfilm.com

 

Ours also really need exercise and a little bit of time alone each day. I think that teens just really want to feel like they have a purpose. That in itself can probably head off a lot of problems.

[Kathleen in VA]

My two oldest went completely through the teen stage with no rebellious episodes. They are delightful young men who love the Lord, are hard working and are pleasant to be around. My oldest son just got married yesterday to a wonderful young lady. They both grew up together in our church and neither has been any trouble to their parents.

 

I also have an almost-14-year-old son and a 17-year-old daughter, both of whom are wonderful. (Dd11 is wonderful, too, but you were asking about teens.:))

 

As others have said, parenting teens is a lot more labor intensive than babies and toddlers - emotionally speaking. We have had lots of discussions and have had to learn to let go little by little as they have matured. The two oldest are adults now and we gradually changed the way we related to them, trying to give them more and more space and freedom through the years. It can be trying at times as I've had to realize that I need to back off and let them spread their wings. Sometimes it can be hard to know when to do that. But, all in all, I've enjoyed this stage the most. My children are truly my friends and I love being with them. I am very, very blessed.:)

[Carrie12345]

I'm one who believes that 50% of it is a crapshoot. I intend to focus on the other 50% (raising them), and cling to hope that the rest goes in their favor.

 

My sisters and I were, collectively, fairly decent teenagers. I probably gave our mom the hardest time as a teenager, but nothing *severe*. Middle sister gave the hardest time in her 20's. The "baby" has never been much trouble.

 

My cousins were all easy teens and are now great young adults for their parents. They're rather arrogant little snots in personality style, but their actions are always kind and good.

 

In our homeschool group, it seems all of the teens are doing very well. A few dating issues, but that's the extent of it, as far as I know.

[Journey]

I have two daughters (22 and 15) and they are awesome. truly I cannot say enough good about my girls. I am a single parent and have raised both of them basically on my own for their whole lives. I can only praise God for how well they have turned out. I will add that they are not perfect and between them, they fight more than I care to admit but when I compare (yes, I do compare) them to what they could be like....I say, bring on the sister fightfests as I will take these over drugs, sex, drinking, swearing any day of the week. My girls and I do everything together...my 15 year old is in public school and she actually would rather stay with me than go and do things with people from school. She says "I'm with them all week, why would I want to spend my weekends with them too"....oh what a breath of fresh air. My suggestion for you, if you are raising an up and coming teen, is to always try to have your child with you as much as possible, tell them about your growing up years and let them know how your life went and give them a hobby...not ten hobbies, but one that will teach them responsibility and sportsmanship, it will be the best thing you will ever do....well, besides introduce Jesus into your home that is!

[Hillary in KS]

Well, I only have one teen so far. He's nearly 15.

 

We have a good relationship. He's happy to be seen with us in public.:D We've seen none of the rebellion that is allegedly typical.

 

Without thinking terribly hard, I could name 6 families I know who have raised their teens to adulthood without rebellion or relationship issues. If I put my mind to it I know I could come up with many more.

 

Don't let them talk you down. :)

[gingersmom]

I have an amazing 13 year old (except for when it is approaching time of the month and she is crampy and crabby).

 

I think the reason I have such a good relationship with her is because I have worked so hard at it (not work work, but understanding, etc). I had a terrible relationship with my mother and was determined to be different with my kids.

 

In addition she is involved with ice skating (singles and on a team) which keeps her extremely focused and does not leave much time for hanging out downtown or online, etc.

[HRAAB]

No, it does not have to be that way. My oldest two dd's are 20 and 18. I have an excellent and close relationship with them, and I believe they would say the same thing. There were a few rough moments somewhere around 15 and 16, but never anything bad - just them separating and becoming independent. I enjoy my older two very much and am very proud of them.

[Barb_]

Some teens simply choose the harder road. I don't know how else to describe it. In some ways, my oldest daughter is an amazing young woman. Academically she is thriving beyond my expectations. We have always been close and while she doesn't usually listen immediately, she respects my opinions and will come to me for advice. Yet, she has her challenges. She can be self-centered and judgemental. She can be too quick to take offense. She could stand to develop a little humility. Sometimes this causes her to trust the wrong people or reject people she should trust. This girl child has always seemed to find living a more difficult struggle than most children and that really hasn't changed in young adulthood. Some kids are just tougher. Even still, this daughter still brought (and brings) months of joy at a time punctuated by episodes of drama. Just like when she was a child, LOL

 

My second daughter (16 in a week or so) finds life much easier. She always looks for the best in people and seems to hold her life together effortlessly. She has this gift for seeing into people's hearts and helping them to deal with what is there. Her insight is well beyond her years. She is handling the dating/not dating question with maturity and transparency. She is respectful and never tries to push back against boundaries. We discuss everything like adults. I don't post as much about her because I don't need the help there :tongue_smilie:

 

My third daughter is a tossup. She is moody. Very sunny, but also quick to anger. She's been high strung since she was born. She struggles with changes and she's an introvert. I don't want to burden her with expectations of trouble, but she has the temperament for rebellion. On the other hand, I was already seeing some questionable behaviors in my oldest at this age, while this one seems to try harder to stay honest. Still, I've learned my lesson and am watching her carefully. Trust, but verify.

 

The fourth daughter is shaping up to be another sunny, easy, helpful personality. She also thrives under our parenting style. She and the fifth are still young, but it seems like I won't have another possible challenging teen until my son.

 

All this to say, there is a lot more that goes into it than parenting well. Remember when your oldest was a baby and you worried about how you would handle the toddler years? Remember all the horror stories? Well, you managed. Some days were better than others. Sometimes you had to go to others for advice. But you made it! Just as some toddlers are naturally more challenging than others, some teens are also. You do your best with what you are given. Don't be afraid! I really love parenting teens, even during the rough periods. It's a challenge, but it's something I've been training for my entire adult life.

 

Barb

[angela in ohio]

Without thinking terribly hard, I could name 6 families I know who have raised their teens to adulthood without rebellion or relationship issues. If I put my mind to it I know I could come up with many more.

 

Don't let them talk you down. :)

 

I agree. I know many, many families whose teens made it through to adulthood with no major issues. My 14 yo is more mature than I am half the time, so I'm not too concerned about her suddenly jumping to teenage rebellion. :001_smile:

[Julie in CA]

My teens are WONDERFUL!! They love the Lord, their family, work hard, are kind, generous, honest, so far are finding wonderful friends....I can't wait to see what's in store for their lives.

 

At the same time, parenting teens is certainly more difficult than any other stage, imo. When they were babies/toddlers, I always knew what they needed--a nap, a snack, a bit of quick discipline, etc. When they were kids, we'd talk things through and they'd understand. Now that they're teenagers though, they sometimes don't want to talk it out, and they don't necessarily want to understand my point. It's ok, because I think it's definitely the time for them to be thinking for themselves. At the same time though, there are many, many more "life decisions" to make. Sometimes I have to give my input even if they think they've got it handled. :001_huh:

 

I wouldn't trade my teens for a younger, easier age, but let's just say that I agree that babies/younger kids are definitely easier than even the best teens.

[Barb_]

I'm one who believes that 50% of it is a crapshoot. I intend to focus on the other 50% (raising them), and cling to hope that the rest goes in their favor.

 

:iagree: Parents can mess up a kid with a good temperament and some kids do well in spite of bad parenting. Then there are others that must test everything out for themselves. Sometimes the rebellion is a mismatch between temperament and parenting style which is why some kids rebel and others don't. The oldest often suffers the most in the last scenario.

 

My oldest was an introvert in a family of extroverts. She is likely on the spectrum (although never tested) and needed more structure than I was naturally willing or able to provide. I thought unschooling was a kindness...she thought it was torture. I like to talk, talk, talk...she viewed it as prying and began hiding things. Stupid things she didn't need to hide! Then I would be mad and disappointed...she was a perfectionist and HATED for people to think poorly of her, so this just made her behavior worse. Sigh. I learned from my mistakes, but not before messing her up a little ;)

 

Barb

[juelle]

I fear complacency, but I really think ds14 is great! He plays baseball or umpires Little League in every spare moment. He has a good group of friends at school and Scouts, some of whom I know well, others of whom I ask lots about. We live 20 minutes from his school and anything else, so it's still easy to keep track of what he's up to. He knows our expectations regarding music, language, behaviour, etc, and while he occasionally argues, especially when he's tired, he knows he's expected to obey. Good thing, because he seems huge! He is fun to be around, mostly is helpful with siblings, and I appreciate his contribution to our family in lots of ways.

 

It's harder talk about s*x and drugs now than it was 2 years ago, but it's worth it to me. 6 boys in the 8th grade were arrested for r*pe of a classmate at a family party. The police found 2oz of c*caine in a kid's locker last year and marched him out of the school in handcuffs. A senior with a full lacrosse scholarship ahead of him OD'd the week before graduation last year. We live in a super-affluent, very highly rated school district. The community provides 'teachable moments' regularly.:001_huh::001_huh::001_huh:

 

We've don't think bad behaviour is a normal, inevitable teen thing, and I pray that plenty of purposeful activity and good influences from us, church and his other activities keep him on the straight and narrow.:001_smile:

 

Ultimately, though, it has to be his decision, and I think his heart is going in the right direction. Dd12 is up next - she's on the right track, too. I'm so thankful.

[Catherine]

we are in a very good place right now. Just keep lovin' them, as my wise SIL says. I can think of two examples in my immediate acquaintance who seemed to be on the wrong path in early adolescence and who turned around with love and firmness.

[justamouse]

I have ONE tough older teen, I learned my lessons (ease up) and my 15 yo is awesome with a capital A. Basically, ditto what Barb said.

Edited June 6, 2010 by justamouse

[Melanie]

My eldest is only 14, but so far, so good!

[Starr]

I agree that parenting teens is hard work even if they aren't attracted to the dark side. It's not only about the parents.

[Ester Maria]

I have one young teen (13 y.o.) and one tween (12 y.o.). So far, they've been wonderful children (*knocks on the wood* :D). The older one is a bit more hot-tempered, but she doesn't cross the line. The younger one is a very calm, thought-out person.

 

I agree with my mother, however - at least 30% of it is a pure lottery. Among the rest 70% are your home values and home culture (on the long run, most of the children will pick them up), the way you brought them up, the kind of people and society you exposed them to, the kind of education you gave them, all the direct and indirect influences that come from you and the setting you "designed" for them to grow up in... And if you homeschool and consequently spend a lot more time with them than other parents, you have a lot more time to expose them and to model the kind of things you want for them in life.

 

Nonetheless, there is still the other 30%. Things they will discover on their own, and that in no way indirectly stem from something they've picked at home. People they will find on their own. Books and ideas they will encounter, and will not tell you about. Places they will visit when you're not with them. The dark side of the soul they will inevitably come to discover. The complexity of life and its "other side". Or even some genetic stuff that will get to surface when their hormones go wild. No amount of sheltering will prevent your child to step out of the "designed" world.

 

At some point we just have to accept the fact that we cannot influence 100% of what's going on in their lives and minds. As they grow up, the percentage of what we can influence gets lower and lower. We have to trust the good foundations - and accept that, regardless, there is a risk factor we cannot avoid, and that it's not even good to actively try to avoid it. Little by little, you have to let it go and let them form themselves into persons they are going to become.

 

There are some kids which come from beautiful, warm and loving households, and that go the wrong path, DESPITE all the efforts to get them back, all the talks, anything, and that make some chronic poor choices.

There are some kids from problematic homes which manage not to pick their home culture and which excel.

 

There simply isn't a guarantee that your child will turn out okay, or will not turn out okay. All you can do is trust them, love them, be there for them and have a lot of nerves and patience to know when to interfere and when not to, how far you can let them go and when you need to draw a firm line on something.

 

I really hope that none of my daughters will choose the hard path of discovering themselves. I hope that I've provided them with good foundations, a loving home, firm morals, plenty of good influences and that I'm there for them when they need me.

That being said, a priori, I trust them. I trust them, until they give me a reason to change my opinion. So far, that didn't happen. :)

[Tap]

I am barely into the teen years, but so far I am hugely blessed!

 

Ds15 is a darling. He does his chores without being asked, he will jump up and do what ever I ask of him. He is pleasant 24/7. He is responsible. He thinks of others. He is devote to God and being at church is one of his favorite places to be. He is very picky about his friends and when they go astray, he moves on. He doesn't get sucked into other people's drama.

 

DD11 is just at the beginning, but she is already acting a lot like ds. I am hopeful that it is a good sign!

 

 

The one I really, really worry about is dd3. She doesn't seem to have any internal impulse control. She is my great-niece so I new her bio-mother growing up. She was a horrible teen....I am afraid we are headed down the same path with her.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

My son, 17, is Mr. Easy Street.

 

He was an easy baby, never fussed, always slept well, will eat anything you put in front of him, including vegetables. He tolerated all of my curriculum psychosis and learned a little something from all of them :D.

 

He's never given me a day of trouble, although I hesitate to say it out loud too often, because I don't want to jinx it ;). Seriously.

[Mom-ninja.]

I'm feeling a little better. :)

 

I agree that personality is a big part.

 

I think of myself and my siblings. My brother and I turned out well but in spite of our childhood. We did not have a good relationship with our mom. She was very verbally and physically abusive. My dad worked a lot. When he was around he was great though. Yet, he chose to ignore my mom's actions.

 

For awhile it seemed that my brother was doomed. Yet, in his 20's he went to rehab on his own, and pulled himself out. Now, he's married and has a lovely wife.

 

I never did anything rebellious as a teen. Well, except fight non-stop with my mom. We fought because I as a teen I decided enough was enough and fought back against the abuse. The moment I graduated high school I moved out. I moved clear to another country! However, as a teen I was never interested in drugs/alcohol and such. I could have gotten into it, but I chose not to. I'm not sure why. It would have been so easy. I decided to focus on academics.

 

My little sister had a bad time as a teen. She did do all the things I have nightmares about. Drugs/alcohol, s*x, stealing money from my parents, attempted suicide, you name it. When she was 18 my parents were getting ready to move. My sister stated she wasn't moving with them. I showed up (I lived in a different state) to help with the move, and saw the situation my sister was in. It was not good. It was very bad. I called up my brother, and the two of us stepped in. We bascially pulled her physically from her situation, and she moved in with me for awhile. Then she moved to my parents new home and started fresh. She's now a wonderful adult, married to a nice guy, and they are expecting their first baby.

 

Looking back I can point out all the things my parents did or didn't do that contributed to my brother's and sister's problems. I've often wondered why I never started down the wrong road like they did. What is it about me that made me choose otherwise even though we all grew up with the same parents?

 

So, yeah, personality is a big role.

 

Thanks for the good stories. I want to look forward to the teen years, but people laugh at me with a pitying look in their eyes if I say that out loud.

[TravelingChris]

I have three who are either teens or have been. None has been rebellious in any serious way= more like choices in eating or haircuts. But my two oldest have had medical problems in their teens/ya that made things hard. Oldest has a lifelong medical condition that arose in his teens and is likely to reappear every few years unless medication is found that helps him and he actually takes it. Older dd had a medical condition that made life with her almost completely unbearable but since we found a medication that helps a year ago, there has been an amazing change. No more problems with her.

 

I think my son's issues have aged my husband and me a lot. We are in the midst of this and his medical issues very negatively affect the rest of the family, bringing incredible amounts of stress. I worry about the stress effects on my dh who has a strong heart history in his family.

[Mommyfaithe]

Ok, for the past few weeks here I've been reading posts about teens/young adults, and these posts have not been good. Drug/alcohol use, rebellion, rudeness, and so forth.

 

I also hear these stories IRL all the time. I always hear, "Oh, wait till they're teenagers. Then you'll have problems and you'll wish for the days of diapers, teething, and six yr old tantrums."

 

I hear this from everyone who has raised, or is currently raising teens.

 

Please, please let me know if anyone out there is not dealing with bad teen issues.

 

I mean, does it have to be that way? Do I just give myself up to the fate that I will have a bad relationship with my sons, and will have to deal with negative behavior?

 

I understand that teens go through a natural separation from parents, as it should be, but does it have to be as horrid as I hear?

 

Does anyone have a teen or older, that has a good relationship with them?

 

 

Disclaimer: Please don't think I'm bashing anyone at all. I'm not questioning anyone's parenting at all. I also don't want to discourage anyone from seeking support and advise here. I just want to hear some positive stories as well. :grouphug:

 

My kids are not perfect...but so far my teens are/were (some are in their 20's) drug-free, rebellion-lite and we have pretty good relationships. The thing is to keep it real and know in a relationship, no one is perfect and homeschooling is not a silver bullet to have perfect kids. It is daily walking in love and forgiveness, both to your teens and their mistakes (which can be really BIG and effect the rest of their lives,) and to yourself for either mistakes you made, or being too busy, or whatever makes the guilt come out.

 

Teens are really great to be around! They push lawnmowers, and get jars off of top shelves, have opinions, can get the jokes to Monty Python bits, can shop til they drop. It is fun to get to know them and appreciate them as people.

 

~~Faithe

[Mommyfaithe]

My oldest son just got married yesterday to a wonderful young lady. They both grew up together in our church and neither has been any trouble to their parents.

 

QUOTE]

 

CONGRATS KATHLEEN!!!!

:party:

[Barb_]

Thanks for the good stories. I want to look forward to the teen years, but people laugh at me with a pitying look in their eyes if I say that out loud.

 

With your history, I can understand why you would feel apprehensive. I think it's good advice to remain positive in spite of personal history or others' opinions. Too often a parent's negative expectations turn into self-fulfilling prophecy. One of my best friends panicked the year her daughter turned 12. 13 loomed large and she worried herself to death over having a teenager. Always an involved mom and fairly no-nonsense disciplinarian, she suddenly backed down and seemed almost afraid of her daughter. The inevitable happened. I won't get into the details. But I watched her create the situation she most feared.

 

As others mentioned, homeschooling is no panacea, but it does make it easier for an involved parent to nip problems in the bud. A teen with a wide circle of peers can pop up with new behaviors faster than you can deal with them, and it's hard to rebuild a house while putting out fires. What to say to people who give you pitying looks? Tell them you enjoy your children more each year as they grow and you choose to remain optimistic. Why borrow trouble?

 

Barb

[Ravin]

None of the teens in my life are messed up. My stepson and my niece are in their early teens (13 and 15), and both are well-behaved, polite, by all lights well-adjusted kids. My BIL and SIL who are 19 are both doing well and had no rebellion issues or such as far as I know. One is in college and the other is working and living at home (he's got dev issues and not college-bound).

 

My sisters and I did our share of bringing trials to our parents, and 2 of the 5 of us were teen (or nearly teen--one sis turned 20 a couple weeks before her DD was born) moms. Every one of us was under mom's roof at some point during our 20's, for varying reasons. But in our 30's (well, 20's for the last one), we're all reasonably stable, independent adults with no serious problems.

 

I agree with the PP who said the squeaky wheel makes the most noise.

[dragons in the flower bed]

We never dealt with drugs, lying, stealing, rebellion, running away, etc., with my partner's oldest son. He definitely had a parent face and a friend face. He showed great annoyance at times with what we asked of him but he always did it and there were never any shouting matches. He was always available to hang out with his younger brothers.

 

No one expected him to completely avoid either s*x so long as he was being safe, and he is now married to his high school sweetheart. No one expected him to avoid a certain drug we don't think should be illegal as long as it wasn't interfering with his life, and he was always available to work in his father's business. He dyed his every color you can imagine, had a mohawk, dressed like a bum. Now he has a degree and a career he loves. When he was ready to move out, he chose an apartment just a block away and shared with us a regular board game night and potlucks.

 

I haven't had any experience with any other teens. The next oldest child won't become one in September. Again, I am seeing that he is developing a personality for friends and a separate one for parents. I suspect that's normal.

 

I hope no one who is struggling with a tough adolescence sees this post and feels sucker punched. Adolescence is not the be-all end-all of personality development, not at all. Judging a child or parent by their adolescence would be like judging a child by their terrible twos.

[6packofun]

I totally agree. I can't claim that my good, trouble-free teens will always make excellent choices because of my parenting. I feel for the parents out there who did the best they could with what they had and yet still have the heartbreak of watching their teens go another, painful, difficult route. Who's to say it can't/won't be me??

 

So while I'll say that I've tried very hard to do a good job of parenting with balance and discipline and love, the truth is that I think keeping my kids home and sheltering them to a healthy degree has been the biggest positive factor. The problems I see for many (but not all) families is that they simply allowed too much peer influence and free time without supervision. Lots of homeschool families send their kids to co-ops and/or competitive extra-curriculars that create the same crummy problems of public school. That's not an automatic recipe for rebellion or bad attitudes, though. Just something I notice as a possible common thread among the otherwise healthy families with this issue. (Unhealthy family dynamics are a whole other ball of wax!)

[MariannNOVA]

I totally agree. I can't claim that my good, trouble-free teens will always make excellent choices because of my parenting. I feel for the parents out there who did the best they could with what they had and yet still have the heartbreak of watching their teens go another, painful, difficult route. Who's to say it can't/won't be me??

 

So while I'll say that I've tried very hard to do a good job of parenting with balance and discipline and love, the truth is that I think keeping my kids home and sheltering them to a healthy degree has been the biggest positive factor. The problems I see for many (but not all) families is that they simply allowed too much peer influence and free time without supervision. Lots of homeschool families send their kids to co-ops and/or competitive extra-curriculars that create the same crummy problems of public school. That's not an automatic recipe for rebellion or bad attitudes, though. Just something I notice as a possible common thread among the otherwise healthy families with this issue. (Unhealthy family dynamics are a whole other ball of wax!)

 

My comment is about the in red (red and italics are mine) portion of your post, and I agree with what you have written.

 

I have spent a couple of hours this afternoon searching and reading about various lacrosse camps that are being offered this summer - I am looking for all three dc - dd11, and b/g twins 9.5 y/o.

 

I am seriously considering a three hour per day camp (runs for about two weeks) but I did read some brochures for all day camps -- so I wanted to know: are the kids actively being coached/taught lacrosse for 5 plus or minus hours a day (allowing time for breaks and lunch)? Is there 'free time'? Is the camp conducted in a public park or on a private campus? All of these questions (and more) came up as I read the info and what you wrote is so true - 'free time without supervision.' I used to call it 'being out of my area of influence' to my two older daughters. I think that is one of a few pivotal issues. I CAN give my children my time and me -- :)

[Lolly]

Well, I have 4. One is almost 18. Two are about to turn 16. One is 13. The girls have been a breeze as teens. I must say that I truly enjoy them! They are pleasant to be around, helpful, and mature. Even my mother was surprised this weekend by how mature the three have become! Ds13 is too young a teen to say for sure. It is different with him than the girls. He is tuning out more than they did. I'm finding that lots of hard physical labor seems to keep him happy and pleasant to be around. Right now, my main worry with him is that everyone assumes he is already 16 or over. He is still a little boy!!! :001_huh:

[Chris in VA]

Even I, queen of the rebellious teen posts (or one of them, anyway), have another teen who has basically never given us a day of trouble. He has had a tougher time as a 20yo, but that was mostly due to Asperger's and issues that were not of his choosing.

 

I have lots of friends with teens who have walked the straight and narrow, or who have strayed but don't have any addictions and have been able to find their way with a minimum of family angst.

 

Newborns are hard, toddlers are hard, preteens are hard, teens are hard--and they are all joys, too--We grow as they grow. I'd never NOT want to be a parent. What's that saying? "Do hard things." Hard does not equal "not worth doing." :D

[Pamela H in Texas]

My kids are 15 and 17 (18 in Sept).

 

My son, in the last month or so, has become a bit mouthy and such, but still has so much positive about him. And there are no big issues. I really think the issues we do have are related to a whirlwind move (from decision to done was less than 3 weeks!) and possibly his cpap machine.

 

My daughter was a little moody for 6 months before she turned 10, but nothing towards us or anyone else, just a little more teary.

 

It *is* possible to have a good relationship with your teens. However, you will hear doomsayers ALL THE WAY THROUGH! I *still* hear how it's soon going to change and be horrendous.

 

I think SOME of it is parenting; but fact of the matter is that teens are their own people and will make their own choices also.

[ereks mom]

They get along great with people of all ages. Adults enjoy being with them, and they are also popular with kids their own ages. They actually LIKE being with dh & me, and we like being with them. They enjoy being with each other too; they never fight--rarely even argue. There are times when they can be moody and grouchy--but so can any human being you know. ;)

[ereks mom]

My two oldest went completely through the teen stage with no rebellious episodes. They are delightful young men who love the Lord, are hard working and are pleasant to be around.

 

Very similar situation here, except mine are a boy and a girl instead of two boys.

 

As others have said, parenting teens is a lot more labor intensive than babies and toddlers -emotionally speaking. We have had lots of discussions and have had to learn to let go little by little as they have matured. ...we gradually changed the way we related to them, trying to give them more and more space and freedom through the years. It can be trying at times as I've had to realize that I need to back off and let them spread their wings. Sometimes it can be hard to know when to do that. But, all in all, I've enjoyed this stage the most. My children are truly my friends and I love being with them. I am very, very blessed.:)

 

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

my oldest is 16. I have really great , level headed teens. they aren't rebellions really. The most rebelling they do is go on a Math strike every now and then. Extremely frustrating for me, but in the whole scheme of things, pretty harmless. mind you we live in a very rural area, and are pretty sheltered. I just hope that in a few years, when they have to shift 500 km away to go to university, that they continue to be so level headed.

[Hockey Mom]

I have a pretty solid relationship with my teen (turning 18 in 2 weeks).

 

IME, it's not really the teens that are the problem. It's the parents who have "unplugged" and let their teens run wild.

[Joanne]

My teens are 13 and 15 - no drugs, alcohol. No actual "rebellion" (not that I like the concept) but definitely some issues/contraryness with the 15 year old. This is due primarily to his age, his dad and the custody issue.

 

Ok, for the past few weeks here I've been reading posts about teens/young adults, and these posts have not been good. Drug/alcohol use, rebellion, rudeness, and so forth.

 

 

This is largely a function of what people talk and post about. :) People rarely talk about "how great" their kids are, how their families have minimum of problems. They rarely come here to post about it, either.

 

If you base your percentages on what is discussed or posted, you'll get a skewed representation of issues.

[texasmama]

My oldest dd will be 15 next month. She is not hs'ed - she attends private Christian school. We had some rough spots last year with her teen angst (peer issues, self esteem stuff) and her grades are not stellar (but not failing), but other than her messy room, some moodiness and such, we have a good relationship and she is a good kid. She has never even had a boyfriend and has not done anything to break trust. She doesn't use alcohol or drugs. She is responsible when sitting for her younger siblings and actively wants to have a relationship with me.

 

She is in the process of figuring out who she is and how she relates to the world, so there are bumps along the way, but nothing that is scary, life-threatening, etc.

 

I work part-time as a therapist and have a caseload full of adolescents with all sorts of issues. It does help me keep my teen's moodiness and messy room and less than perfect grades in perspective.:tongue_smilie:

 

I hope that encourages you.:001_smile: