Grandkids/future hypothetical grands - what do/will you do to nurture relationships?

[Ginevra]

Just curious. Still in the hypothetical stage here. At least one of my kids lives far away, so if that continues as children are born, it is definitely trickier to invest in my grandkids’ lives. Since it requires an airplane, I can only reasonably expect to visit maybe twice a year. So, many of the things I would have expected to do, such as attend dance recitals and baseball games, probably won’t happen. 
 

What do you do or do you expect to do that helps create a relationship with your grands? 

[regentrude]

I don't have grandkids yet, and distances will be large, but I know a few things that allowed me to have a good relationship with my grandmas and allowed my kids to develop a relationship with their grandparents overseas.

First and most importantly, maintain a good relationship with my kids and their partners so that they like me to visit and trust me to take care of their kids when they visit here. Respect their parenting style and don't interfere.
Show an interest in the kids. Write letters, talk on the phone/via Zoom. Send thoughtful gifts.
Visit whenever possible. Perhaps in retirement we may relocate to be closer, depending on where they end up. 
Offer to host kids on school break. My sister and I were shipped off to grandma each school break, and it was a great time for all concerned.
Give the grandkids a wonderful time whenever they visit, so that they want to come back often.

ETA: None of my grandparents (or parents for that matter) have ever attended school functions and recitals and stuff. You can have a wonderful close relationship without doing that.

Edited October 16, 2023 by regentrude

[Shoeless]

Visit whenever I can. 

Not insist on every holiday needing to be at my house.

[Katy]

I lived away from my mom’s parents growing up. They sent lots of presents, letters, and calls. I would add video calls to that in the future, but otherwise I’m not sure you can expect to be super close to a little kid as someone who lives far away unfortunately. As long as you’re focused on their experience from their perspective you could long-term be even closer than someone close who is self -centered, but most kids would need to be at least a teenager to figure all that out I suspect. 

[regentrude]

Just now, Shoeless said:

Not insist on every holiday needing to be at my house.

Excellent point. It is already an issue with adult kids without grandkids.
We have made it clear that we won't be those parents who keep a tally where they spend their holidays. We'll be chill with Christmas in february and Thanksgiving in October. Whenever they come is a holiday

[prairiewindmomma]

I hope that we will be able to do regular video calls and that I can send fun packages in between visits. Nurturing relationships with kids means focusing time and energy on the grandkids, and not just seeing them peripherally in the background of a video call or asking questions about them as you call your own children, ime. Each relationship is individual rather than “prairie and her kids”…

Also, for the love of everything, if I have local grandkids and away grandkids, I am not going to spend my precious video time telling my away grandkids about all of the fun things the local grandkids are doing with me. Interest in the lives of everyone needs to be shown, even if you naturally have closer relationships with local people.

[Shoeless]

26 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Excellent point. It is already an issue with adult kids without grandkids.
We have made it clear that we won't be those parents who keep a tally where they spend their holidays. We'll be chill with Christmas in february and Thanksgiving in October. Whenever they come is a holiday

One piece of advice I give to new parents is to decide if they want to be a family that travels for holidays or a family that hosts. Figure out what you want your major holidays to look like and manage expectations right away because it's hard to reset expectations later. 

Edited October 16, 2023 by Shoeless

[teachermom2834]

Not sure but I am determined not to be a meddling critical MIL and I think that is the first step. I already am super flexible with my adult kids about holidays and visits. I don’t pressure them but totally am available and love on them when they do come around. 
 

My MIL was always centered on how things made her feel or what she wanted to do or where or when she wanted to eat, whether she was being treated fairly and getting equal time, etc. I think remembering it is not about ME and that I can catch more bees with with honey than vinegar or whatever they saying is…LOL. So far I’m doing really well with that with my adult boys and their serious girlfriends so hopefully I can lay the foundation. 
 

As far as how to nurture the specific relationships that is probably going to be reactionary to the kids/grandkids and their lifestyles and wants and needs and how they feel best supported. I’m ready to flex to them.

[bookbard]

I am an old mother so if I ever get grandkids, I will be a very old lady. Hopefully I will not feel the need to buy bucketloads of plastic crap for my grandkids. If I'm really ancient, the best thing would be to choose an old people's home with play equipment outside so I can sit and watch them and wave. 

[freesia]

My grandparents were never geographically close nor were my kid’s. One benefit is the closeness that comes from staying over rather than just seeing grandparents at events. There’s an intimacy that’s nice. What I’ve seen work is sincere interest, encouragement and letters/e-mails. My MIL sends video links. My mom has been less good at reaching out as she’s gotten older, but seems to be able to ride on the interest and attention she built when they were younger. Neither grandmother is critical of the kids or tells them what to do. She is their cheerleader. 
 

Vacations at the beach together are also nice. 

[regentrude]

41 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

One piece of advice I give to new parents is to decide if they want to be a family that travels for holidays or a family that hosts. Figure out what you want your major holidays to look like and manage expectations right away because it's hard to reset expectations later. 

But it's difficult to settle firmly on on one or the other because situations change due to moving, health, work load, and kid development, and because there are always at least three families involved: both partners' families of origin, and the new nuclear family. Juggling that and keeping relations well may require some flexibility.

[Clarita]

My kids WhatsApp with my mom. Basically we aren't ever going to spend holidays with her (it's cheaper to visit during non-holiday times). We will just make the time we do spend together special in our own way. I did this growing up so I know it can work (minus the video chat).

For example for Christmas my aunt's, my mom and I would go shopping the week after Christmas and buy each other presents. It was our special time together with the added benefit of presents people actually wanted and the after Christmas sales.

[marbel]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

But it's difficult to settle firmly on on one or the other because situations change due to moving, health, work load, and kid development, and because there are always at least three families involved: both partners' families of origin, and the new nuclear family. Juggling that and keeping relations well may require some flexibility.

This is what I was thinking too. I think being flexible about holidays is a key thing.

My husband and I never lived close to family. When my kids were little, we alternated Christmas between seeing his parents, and my mother. When my mother died, we started staying home on "her" Christmas. We always invited my inlaws but they would never come. 

Thanksgiving we usually stayed home; there just wasn't enough time over that holiday to make the long flights or drives without having to practically turn right around and come home. 

I would have preferred more flexibility from my in-laws and would have liked them to come to us sometimes. Two people flying vs. four. My mother was quite a bit older and more frail than my in-laws, so we expected and were happy to go to her. 

When my sister had kids, she determined that her kids would always wake up in their own home on Christmas morning, so she expected everyone to come to her. That caused trouble with our brother, who would have liked to alternate. Eventually, relationships began to deteriorate because of the inflexibility. (Or in part, anyway; there were other factors for sure.)  My kids came along much later - I had them late in life, and I'm the youngest sibling, so when this all was happening I was single and on the outskirts of it all.

 

My own plan is to be the opposite of my in-laws. I'll be interested in whatever they are interested in, and not try to steer them the way I think they should go. I hope they like being read to, as my kids did, because that's my superpower. But if not, I'll let them lead. My inlaws were always disappointed that my son did not turn out to be a football player or even a fan, and that my daughter wasn't a cheerleader. My MIL used to send her cheerleading videos and ignored the beautiful art my daughter created. She had been a cheerleader back in her day and loved football, so what else should her only grandchildren like? 

[teachermom2834]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

 

My own plan is to be the opposite of my in-laws. I'll be interested in whatever they are interested in, and not try to steer them the way I think they should go. I hope they like being read to, as my kids did, because that's my superpower. But if not, I'll let them lead. My inlaws were always disappointed that my son did not turn out to be a football player or even a fan, and that my daughter wasn't a cheerleader. My MIL used to send her cheerleading videos and ignored the beautiful art my daughter created. She had been a cheerleader back in her day and loved football, so what else should her only grandchildren like? 

Yes, this! My MIL was determined that my kids be interested in what she was interested in. She loved scrapbooking so she would gift scrapbooking stuff and then get offended people weren’t excited. When my dd was interested in something she was into-quilting- my dd was so excited to do it with her and then my MIL was so critical/bossy she ruined it. Even if I am cringing inside I will let my grandkids lead. If we are cooking and they want to get creative and ruin it have at it. I’ll offer to buy pizza later if people are still hungry. I’m just going to go with it. 

[Shoeless]

18 minutes ago, regentrude said:

But it's difficult to settle firmly on on one or the other because situations change due to moving, health, work load, and kid development, and because there are always at least three families involved: both partners' families of origin, and the new nuclear family. Juggling that and keeping relations well may require some flexibility.

Why is it difficult to decide? I see so many complaints from parents at the holidays due to travel expectations. People hauling kids all over, having multiple dinners because each Grandma insists on having Christmas her way, with all the grandkids. Everyone is exhausted and stressed. Why do that? 

My DH and I have been firm on the "no travel for holidays" stance. Everyone is welcome to come here and I will host to the best of my ability. Some years have been simple, other had more elaborate hosting. 

If people don't want to come, ok. We'll see you another day. 

My people are all guilt-trippers and throw fits if they don't get their way at the holidays. I'm opting out of that. 

The point I was making is that new parents should think about what they want THEIR traditions to look like. When they picture the perfect Christmas, is it at their own home or waking up at Grandma's? Or something else?  

[Ditto]

I think the thing I want to stress is that grandparents can live close by and have next to no relationship with their grandchildren and others can live far away and be very close.  The wonderful thing about the internet era is that it provides so many wonderful ways to stay in touch.   My children grew up with both sets of grandparents living less than 40 min away and none of them were interested in being involved in the kids' lives.   Growing up my grandparents lived across the country and went out of their way to be involved and show love to their grandchildren.   I am positive that you will be a loving involved grandparent and your grandchildren will know you and love you just as much as you know and love them.  Being creative, flexible, and having a loving heart will ensure a fantastic relationship with them.

[DeainUSA]

If possible, aside from all the above, is take the kids for longer period of times if parents are willing.  Coordinate a visit with the parents having a weekend away.  Take the kids in the summer a few weeks. Create those memories.

[lmrich]

read to  them 

My  mom  and my dd each  had the  same book and  dd would  read one page  and then my mom would  read a  page.  It was so great! 

Take the kids as muchh as  possible. 

When the family comes to visit -  suprise the  mom and dad with  a  night  out  or  even  a hotel stay  and keep the kids.  

Do  silly things  like  backwards day -  eat dessert, then  dinner - end with breakfast.. 

 

[regentrude]

28 minutes ago, Shoeless said:

Why is it difficult to decide? I see so many complaints from parents at the holidays due to travel expectations.

I find it difficult to decide because situations change. I love hosting now, but who knows whether I will love hosting when I am 80 years old. My mother used to travel to come see us, but stopped coming since she couldn't leave home because of dad's health. My DD loved to come home when she lived an easy half-day's drive away; she may feel very different now that she lives a 20 hour drive away. When the kids were little and we lived in the same city as my parents, we always came to their house; when we moved overseas, that became impossible. 
DS used to come home because his xgf also had her parents in our town. If he finds another partner who wants to travel to her parents far away and wants him to come, he won't be traveling home for the holidays. Some years DD wants to travel to her partner's folks. Some year we may all meet up with the other parents in some wonderful destination where none of us live.
Too many things that can change to have a firm stance of what one "always" does. I prefer to be flexible and react to the situation. 

 

Edited October 16, 2023 by regentrude

[Shoeless]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

I find it difficult to decide because situations change. I love hosting now, but who knows whether I will love hosting when I am 80 years old. My mother used to travel to come see us, but stopped coming since she couldn't leave home because of dad's health. My DD loved to come home when she lived an easy half-day's drive away; she may feel very different now that she lives a 20 hour drive away. When the kids were little and we lived in the same city as my parents, we always came to their hours; when we moved overseas, that became impossible.
DS used to come home because his xgf also had her parents in our town. If he finds another partner who wants to travel to her parents far away and wants him to come, he won't be traveling home for the holidays. Some years DD wants to travel to her partner's folks. Some year we may all meet up with the other parents in some wonderful destination where none of us live.
Too many things that can change to have a firm stance of what one "always" does. I prefer to be flexible and react to the situation.

 

Ok, well, I didn't mean "Decide now for the rest of your lives and never change". My advice is for new or soon to be parents for the young family years, not grown adults in their 80s. 

Anyway, this is a drift from the original topic, so I will let it drop.

[wendyroo]

When my oldest was born, my parents lived 3 hours away. So not insurmountable, but not a weekly visiting distance either.

Starting when my son was about 9-12 months old, my mom started having playdates with him over Skype every week or so. I would put DS in his Pack-n-Play with some toys in front of my computer so he could see my mom and she could see him. She would read him books, sing songs, play color and counting games, etc. During those times I would stay busy elsewhere so they could form their own bonds and inside jokes.

To this day my mom has Skype playdates with the kids. Just the other day Audrey called Nana up and asked if she would help her draw a dog (I am not an artist, so I am no help with that type of thing), and they spent an hour working with colored pencils and oil pastels "together". My mom has had weekly book clubs with the kids, and my dad has gone through most of the levels of Code.org with each of my kids using a mixture of Skype and remote desktop control.

At least once a month we have my parents virtually "over" for dinner so they can catch up with all the kids.

Another tradition that has helped my kids grow close to my parents are their yearly birthday visits. My parents give time instead of gifts for birthdays. Each child stays with Nana and Papa for about a week sometime around their birthday and gets to experience being an only child. They choose the meals, the TV programs, the activities, etc. They rarely do anything super special or expensive - Audrey is on her birthday visit right now, and her top requests were going to pet the cats at their next door neighbor's and drilling holes in wood with the power drill. 😄 

[Annie G]

We raised our kids geographically far away from grandparents and both us and our folks did a crummy job of developing relationships.  Dh and I had been raised the same way and we just didn’t know better. 
Dd and I have changed that with the grandkids. Many of the things we did/do have already been mentioned but right now the best things are frequent FaceTime calls, lots of texts w the teen kids who have phones, and showing real interest in their lives.  It’s working beautifully. Oldest granddaughter recently made her school’s flag football team and we were the first ones she called. She knew we’d be happy for her and she wanted to share her joy in the moment.  
We make an effort to know what each one is interested in, what’s going on with them, and talk to them frequently. Grand parenting is so much more fun than parenting. Especially the teen years!!!

[KungFuPanda]

I’m living this now. Bear in mind we’re a family with a missing person and we’ve been aware for over 15 years that we’d become a family with a missing person. We make decisions a little outside the norm. 
 

We have an 8 month old grandson. We’ve had the privilege of watching him for two long weekends and a few evenings in addition to family get togethers. We probably see him every other weekend at least but usually more. He lives an hour away but we take turns doing the drive. 
 

When he’s older we’ll keep him longer; probably for a week at a time in the summer. If Dd and dsil moved far away, we’d probably sell and follow them. Dh works from home and can work from anywhere. She’s our only living child and we’re committed to being close enough to be helpful and build a real relationship with dgs.
 

I was very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with them. We lived too far away, and travel was too difficult, for our kids to have that same closeness with their grandparents. I’m going to make it my mission to assure dgs has that opportunity. 

[kbutton]

 

1 hour ago, DeainUSA said:

If possible, aside from all the above, is take the kids for longer period of times if parents are willing.  Coordinate a visit with the parents having a weekend away.  Take the kids in the summer a few weeks. Create those memories.

If you do so, be reliable and respectful of parenting styles. My MIL would wait until I was out of the room for a few minutes to compulsively put my kids’ lives in danger. I’m not kidding.

Neither set of grandparents lived closer than 3.5 hours away.

My parents were respectful, and we had the kind of relationship where we could discuss specific things that they didn’t “get.” They tried their best (and stuff like allergies with my nephew, they were rock solid on). If they messed up or downplayed something only to realize it was a big deal, they owned it and apologized as needed. I’ve rarely laughed so hard as the time my kids were at their house (hours away), and my parents called to say, “now we know why you limit their TV time.” They respected our efforts, but they accidentally separately promised the kids certain movies on the same day. They had some WILD kids on their hands but no harm done because I didn’t have to deal with the fallout.

 

Wisdom: 

53 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I find it difficult to decide because situations change. I love hosting now, but who knows whether I will love hosting when I am 80 years old. My mother used to travel to come see us, but stopped coming since she couldn't leave home because of dad's health. My DD loved to come home when she lived an easy half-day's drive away; she may feel very different now that she lives a 20 hour drive away. When the kids were little and we lived in the same city as my parents, we always came to their house; when we moved overseas, that became impossible. 
DS used to come home because his xgf also had her parents in our town. If he finds another partner who wants to travel to her parents far away and wants him to come, he won't be traveling home for the holidays. Some years DD wants to travel to her partner's folks. Some year we may all meet up with the other parents in some wonderful destination where none of us live.
Too many things that can change to have a firm stance of what one "always" does. I prefer to be flexible and react to the situation.
 

[BakersDozen]

1 hour ago, lmrich said:

ake the kids as muchh as  possible. 

When the family comes to visit -  suprise the  mom and dad with  a  night  out  or  even  a hotel stay  and keep the kids.

I'd caution against this if mom/dad may not be OK with it. My in-laws and mom always tried to get me/us to leave the house, they wanted the grandkids to themselves even when my first was just 3 weeks old. I was not OK with it, mostly due to the personalities and behaviors of the grandparents. So being surprised with an evening out or, even worse, an entire night away, would result in some angst when I turn the "treat" down.

[Jaybee]

We are far away from our grandchildren. They are 7yo and younger, so not yet at a point where they could visit alone, nor do they have phones. When our kids have asked us if we could go stay with them at their house while the parents go on a trip, we say yes if we possibly can, and that has been good to build relationships. We FaceTime--not regularly because of scheduling on their end, but they always seem excited to talk. With the oldest two, they always wanted me to read to them, so I would turn the camera to face the book pages, and we'd do readalouds. They are both in school now, and are not as interested in doing that anymore, but we all enjoyed it when they did. When one family came last year for Christmas, my little 4yo grandson asked, "Nani, why do you have so many kids' books and toys?" I said, "Because I want you to feel welcome when you come to my house!" I could tell by his face that he was thinking that one over. We gave them craft items for most of their gifts, and they sat at the table for hours doing their crafts.

In general, we respect our kids' rules and parenting decisions. If the child asks for something (food item or movie, etc.), I say, "Go ask your mom (or dad) if it's okay!" We ask the parents first privately before suggesting an outing or activity. We ask about gifts before we choose what to give. We let them know if we are heading to their part of the country for vacation or a holiday, but have always assured them that while we are happy to see them and spend time with them whenever they can, either here or there, we know they have to work things out with other family members as well, so that is for them to work out with their spouse.

So far, I think it is working. Our grandchildren have expressed that they like to come to our house, and ask their parents when they can come. That's a win, in my book!

[theelfqueen]

My grandson is in England and I'm in Colroado but he is only 14 months.

So far we find video calling and photo sharing helps. We've visited them twice and DIL and DGS visited us once. And we will see them again in December. I send a couple of new books about once a month. I keep planning to send him an audio recording of some songs but I haven't done it yet. 

We were the first people to keep him (in an AirBnB in Dublin) while DS and DIL went out to celebrate their anniversary and we will be keeping him an evening in Paris in December.  

In less than a year they should be back on the same continent (DS is USAF) for at least a couple of years. 

 

[kbutton]

Be memorable in concrete ways when they are little.

My parents initiated little rituals that could happen over the phone while they were visiting in person, and then they’d interact with those over the phone. Even cute little things like making a certain fun noise when they would eat fun foods that the kids also liked. It created lots of connection.

My mom made a picture book of family members as well as objects, pets, etc. that my kids found interesting when we would visit their house—it kept memories alive and created anticipation.

My kids are also close to their great grandmother for similar reasons. My kids understood money as a token to get fun things early on. She would send them a buck or two for candy or ice cream, etc. at Easter and Halloween and their birthdays. My kids loved it. When she turned 80, my kids made her cards, and my toddler at the time brought out a dollar from his piggy bank to put in her card! She just loved it and made sure to call him to say thanks. It became fun family lore.

Have toys and things they enjoy doing at your house.

 

[Lecka]

I think it’s different with every set of people.  I think it can be different with different grandkids.

 

One of my sons didn’t like to stay overnight at grandparents once he was 6 or 7.  He had liked it when he was younger!  My daughter at the same time was spending two weeks at a time with grandparents and going more than once in a summer.  
 

Now we live nearby, and each of my kids has a night to cook with my parents, and my parents chose that because they could commit to it and thought it would be a good fit with my kids.  
 

They do different things with my sister’s kids, who like to be together when they are with grandparents.  My kids like to be separate.  
 

It has changed over time.  
 

My parents (my mom and step-dad) are intentional but there are a lot of differences between my family and my sister’s family, and the kids like different things.  
 

There is no one thing they all like.  
 

 

 

[kbutton]

11 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

I'd caution against this if mom/dad may not be OK with it. My in-laws and mom always tried to get me/us to leave the house, they wanted the grandkids to themselves even when my first was just 3 weeks old. I was not OK with it, mostly due to the personalities and behaviors of the grandparents. So being surprised with an evening out or, even worse, an entire night away, would result in some angst when I turn the "treat" down.

My parents can offer this any time.

My MIL, NOPE!!!

[Carrie12345]

Anything and everything my kids will let me. Probably not full time childcare though, because now I expect to be working. I’ll fly if I need to as often as humanly possible.

I have issues. My mom moved when my oldest was 2 and slowed down visits back before my 5th was born. She wanted me to travel more with 5 kids. 🤨. 
My kids love her, but they aren’t close.

I was super close to my own grandparents and I mourn for what my kids don’t have. I’ll do pretty much anything!

[athena1277]

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Also, for the love of everything, if I have local grandkids and away grandkids, I am not going to spend my precious video time telling my away grandkids about all of the fun things the local grandkids are doing with me. Interest in the lives of everyone needs to be shown, even if you naturally have closer relationships with local people.

This!  Every time we see my mil, she always tells my kids about things their cousins have been doing.  I’m 99% sure she thinks the kids would like hearing about their cousins (who don’t live nearby).  Unfortunately, it has always come across as comparison.  Even at 20yo, my oldest still feels this.  

[Jann in TX]

I have one grandson (almost 4)-- things are different because DH and I are his primary care givers-- he is starting to spend more time with his birth dad and step mom... DD2 (his mom) does what she can-- but it usually only a few minutes each day.  We do work with her on how to 'parent' GS but 90% of the time it is up to DH and myself. 

I must say that I have an awesome relationship with GS-- we co-slept from birth until almost 3-- and now our rooms are next to each other... last night we made cookies, read books and sang silly songs... right now he and DH are playing outside after having done the weekly chore of taking the trash to the curb...  DH is the 'daddy' figure for GS and they also have an awesome relationship.

Our oldest DD is planning on getting married this coming April-- she would love to start a family right away-- BUT she and future SIL plan on moving out of state to be closer to his parents (it is also a much lower cost of living place)...  I'm not sure how I will be a grandparent long-distance but I will try my best.

 

[Clarita]

Also note that my situation has been very unusual in that it's across an ocean and stuff happened (including the pandemic but not limited to) so visitation hasn't been able to occur. My children at almost 7 and 5 do actually know my mom. She sends (non-perishables) stuff over to them and we video chat where the children will just show her random things of the day. I will say it does take both parties to make an effort. 

We make an effort to talk about my mom, and say things like "Oh would you like to show that to grandma!". We talk about "convenient" times for both parties to talk because it is a significant time difference (literally day/night). So we can make spur of the moment calls too. Both parties have to have a thicker skin, phone calls aren't always going to get answered, packages don't arrive on time and both parties have to take things in stride. Also being communicative (WhatsApp has been great for us because of the text message feature), if my mom really is missing the grandchildren she sends a quick message asking to set up a time or suggesting a time that she'll call. 

My in-laws live 5 minutes away. The children are closer to them because they get to see them all the time, but they talk about both sets of grandparents. The adults are really supportive of each other, especially in front of the children. We don't compare grandparents and make inferences to the quality of relationship. 

[Ginevra]

1 hour ago, BakersDozen said:

I'd caution against this if mom/dad may not be OK with it. My in-laws and mom always tried to get me/us to leave the house, they wanted the grandkids to themselves even when my first was just 3 weeks old. I was not OK with it, mostly due to the personalities and behaviors of the grandparents. So being surprised with an evening out or, even worse, an entire night away, would result in some angst when I turn the "treat" down.

Yeah, I agree. I would feel it was putting my kid on the spot too much to be, “Surprise! The kid is mine for the weekend while you two go to Resort Spa!” 

[Bootsie]

I do not have grandchildren, but if I ever do, I am likely to have grandchildren on two different continents, which will mean the relationships may look different.  DH and I are disappointed in that we do not think our children ever experienced a wonderful grandparent relationship, despite proximity of one grandparent. (DH and I each had at least one grandparent that we were very close to and fond of).  My kids do have a great aunt and uncle that they have had more of a memorable relationship with than their grandparents; those relatives have shown a great deal of interest in my children as people and have also shared who they are as people with my children.  The have always lived at least 5 hours away and have never given my children gifts, attended their school events, or done other things that grandparents often do.  However, my kids ask me to fix the aunt's soup, they bake her cookies, they talk about playing card games with the uncle...my kids cherish the simple times around the aunt and uncle's kitchen table; they are the type of grandparents I would like to be.

[Faith-manor]

We see our grandkids quite often though they live 750 miles away because we have been there a lot to help dd through more than one crisis. But, in between we zoom or Facebook chat with them. Right now I am reading "Celery Stalks at Midnight" leading up to Halloween so N and C (almost 8, almost 4), call right before bedtime.

Due to the summer of 2022 and dd's covid issues, I cared for the boys a lot along with assistance from Mark and from our sons who pitched in and were wonderful uncles. As a result, we have a pretty tight knit relationship. But, we always take the parenting lead from Dd and son in law so we don't mess with routines or become inconsistent with their folks' choices. Making sure not to be pushy domineering, demanding, or bossy is super key with keeping the relationships healthy.

Technology is great these days. Make good use of it!

I will say that I have made it a point to read, read, read to the boys, and that had gone a long way towards building our relationship. They love to climb up next to me with books. I generally ham it up and do voices so maybe that has something to do with it too. 😂 Mark likes to build with their duplos, and makes elaborate wooden train set ups, plus he usually has a little woodworking project with N which he loves. I think it is important to cultivate a special interest with them when you can. N and C also take swim lessons, and Mark was a competitive swimmer in high school so he practices with them.

Mostly though, we might just be lucky in how it is working out.

[SHP]

8 hours ago, Shoeless said:

One piece of advice I give to new parents is to decide if they want to be a family that travels for holidays or a family that hosts. Figure out what you want your major holidays to look like and manage expectations right away because it's hard to reset expectations later. 

There is a 3rd option. Neither. Best thing I did was stop traveling and refuse to host anyone. No rushing to go somewhere and no stress to prepare to host. Just me, my husband, and our children and time together. I wish I had done this from the start.

[SKL]

Way in the future for me, but I feel like it's really up to my daughters.

My parents have never been able to do much with my kids.  My dad did come for their confirmation (and maybe their baptism?) and - hugely, but not something my kids would remember - my mom came to their birth country for a visit and to bring them home.  But other than that, we go to my parents' house when it works for all ... and even that's limited because my folks get tired.  So, I don't feel like you have to be all up in your adult kids' business in order to be a decent grandparent.  But if that's what my kid feels she needs, I would certainly try.  Hopefully I'll be at least semi-retired by then.  🙂

I haven't experienced close family living far away.  If that happens, I enjoy traveling, so I don't mind visiting as requested, subject to age/health issues.  I would also welcome my kids/grandkids to my home should they decide to travel here.

Today's society (at least where I live) is too focused on outward shows of family ties IMO.  The grandparent stuff at school etc.  What's the benefit of pointing out who does and doesn't have a grandparent able and willing to be at my kids' elementary school during business hours?  Do grandparents really need this in order to feel appreciated?  Why not let each family figure out what's best for them?

ETA:  I only have 2 kids, so it may be easier for us to find a good mix of visiting each other.  My parents have 6 kids, so I think it would be harder for each of us to have our own "rules" around holiday visits with the grandparents.  Luckily, we all live close enough to drive to my parents' house if we want to spend a holiday together.  Though, we don't do Thanksgiving dinner there any more, because it got to be too much for my folks.  That time when the cops came because a step-great-grandkid set off an alarm in between all the running and screaming ....  So we each try to come over for pie at whatever time works over the long weekend.

Edited October 17, 2023 by SKL

[Shoeless]

48 minutes ago, SHP said:

There is a 3rd option. Neither. Best thing I did was stop traveling and refuse to host anyone. No rushing to go somewhere and no stress to prepare to host. Just me, my husband, and our children and time together. I wish I had done this from the start.

Absolutely! As it turns out, we don't host much anymore because all of our people have other plans they prefer not to change. That's fine; I'm happy to host if things change.  The invite stands. 

I grew up with women that deeply resented holidays. They either yelled or sulked from Halloween until New Year's, and while some of their complaints were probably justified, some of it was just drama.  They didn't feel like they could say "This is what I want".  Instead, they rushed around making everyone else's Christmas dreams come true and then held it against us.   

I didn't want to be one of those women that seethes with resentment about holidays.  Mom gets to have the kind of holiday she wants, too. 

Edited October 17, 2023 by Shoeless

[Frances]

10 hours ago, SHP said:

There is a 3rd option. Neither. Best thing I did was stop traveling and refuse to host anyone. No rushing to go somewhere and no stress to prepare to host. Just me, my husband, and our children and time together. I wish I had done this from the start.

So much this. Neither set of parents put any pressure on us to be there for holidays which was wonderful. Being allowed to develop our own traditions and have relaxed, stress free holidays with no travel was wonderful. Besides, we were homeschooling. Why would we travel when everyone else was traveling and during the worst weather time of the year?

When my son was very little and video chatting was not yet a thing, we made a small photo album with family pictures and would look at it together and talk about family members several times per week. I think our son always sensed how comfortable we were with all of our parents and how much we trusted them, so even when he was a toddler and preschooler he was very comfortable staying alone with them, despite living far away and only seeing them infrequently.

Edited October 17, 2023 by Frances

[Eos]

4 hours ago, SHP said:

There is a 3rd option. Neither. Best thing I did was stop traveling and refuse to host anyone. No rushing to go somewhere and no stress to prepare to host. Just me, my husband, and our children and time together. I wish I had done this from the start.

This was my family, though not entirely intentionally.  I was the only daughter of four that had children for many years and I was very intentional about creating holiday rituals here at home.  Meanwhile my sisters and their hubbies and my mother were doing things like going to Hawaii together for Christmas (we had a cousin in Maui) or similar.  Eventually they all had one or two kids and we once hosted at Christmas but never went anywhere.  Last fall was the first time we had ever traveled at Thanksgiving and it was to oldest ds's house.  So reading about folks having giant holiday events together is like reading a story - I can imagine it but never did it.

Because this is what I did, I can only visualize this will be what my kids do when they have kids. Oldest spends Christmas with ddil's parents and has for many years, that was hard when he started that but I had three more who were here.  Our house is unnaturally small so maybe I need to start building some spaces to host in when my youngers start their own families. 

I'm making plans to create a magical garden to share with grandchildren when they arrive. I hope to read, build fires, and sing with my future grandchildren.

We live in a gorgeous place so I know my kids will always want to travel back here wherever they end up, and there's so many wonderful things for children to do here that I envision being the Grandma camp location in the future.  

Edited October 17, 2023 by Eos

[teachermom2834]

As far as traditions go- one thing we have done intentionally is to mix it up and not do the same exact thing every year. Sometimes we have traveled. Sometimes we stay home. Sometimes we went to Christmas Eve mass and sometimes we went Christmas morning. 
 

I felt, as a young mom, often the pressure from the extended family of doing things the exact same way because that is the way they have always been done. No reason it had to be that way. Just because. Tradition! Now we do have some traditions and some things we always try to do but we are flexible on time and and how things look. I get that tradition is important in many ways but I have tried to stress flexibility too.

Just last weekend my oldest and his girlfriend were here and we were discussing holidays and it came up that some years we did most of our Christmas presents on Christmas Eve and other years Christmas morning. It was kind of blowing her mind that we mixed it up. I did say “I am hoping that having the matriarch of the family be flexible makes life easier on all of you and all of us as you make your way with your own traditions.” And she responded “yes, you are really the easiest parent of adult children I’ve ever met. You are good about not putting pressure on people.” So Bingo. 
 

[marbel]

8 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

As far as traditions go- one thing we have done intentionally is to mix it up and not do the same exact thing every year. Sometimes we have traveled. Sometimes we stay home. Sometimes we went to Christmas Eve mass and sometimes we went Christmas morning. 
 

I felt, as a young mom, often the pressure from the extended family of doing things the exact same way because that is the way they have always been done. No reason it had to be that way. Just because. Tradition! Now we do have some traditions and some things we always try to do but we are flexible on time and and how things look. I get that tradition is important in many ways but I have tried to stress flexibility too.

Just last weekend my oldest and his girlfriend were here and we were discussing holidays and it came up that some years we did most of our Christmas presents on Christmas Eve and other years Christmas morning. It was kind of blowing her mind that we mixed it up. I did say “I am hoping that having the matriarch of the family be flexible makes life easier on all of you and all of us as you make your way with your own traditions.” And she responded “yes, you are really the easiest parent of adult children I’ve ever met. You are good about not putting pressure on people.” So Bingo. 
 

Bingo, indeed! My mother never put pressure on me once I was married/had kids.  She never made demands on me/my family and so she was easy to be around. My inlaws weren't so easy. When she died I remember thinking that the wrong grandma was gone, because my MIL wasn't as good at grandmothering as my own mom. I know that's a typical feeling, but my husband agreed that my mother was just better at it and demonstrated love to our kids while his parents did not.  My kids don't have many good grandparent memories because my mom died when they were so little (my father had died before I was married) and my inlaws were lousy at the role. 

[Indigo Blue]

I would just try to be close to them by being involved in their lives. Calling them. Visiting them. Sharing words of wisdom. Be a listening ear. Reading to them. Coloring with them. Laughing with them. Taking them to the park. Watching a movie in bed with pj’s and a bowl of popcorn. Teaching them things. Tell them how much I love and treasure them and that they are terrific just the way they are. 
 

Things I would not do:

Undermine their parents. Yell and become dysregulated at their parents in front of them. Tell them I would do something with them or for them and then not do it. Have temper tantrums if I feel slighted. Tell them to lie to their parents. Make them feel as if something is wrong with them, such as being too sensitive, shy, weird, quiet, etc. Tell them their hair, clothes, etc. would look better if only they would (fill in the blank). Buy too many material gifts….only a few really special things. Talk about them behind their back to other family members. Betray them. 
 

I don’t have grandchildren. If I did, I would never take pieces of their heart away from them. I would add love and kindness so their heart would grow and I would do my part to help them become healthy, happy adults who know they are loved in this difficult world. 
 

 

 

[Indigo Blue]

Being mad over who hosted/traveled to visit on what holiday (or didn’t)? Heck no. 

[Laura Corin]

So much is down to the GP's attitude.  We lived a continent away from each set of grandparents when my kids were small.  Neither set were letter writers, phoning was complex and they didn't use technology.  We visited each set equally. The kids just felt loved and welcomed by my parents-in-law but not by my parents - the P-i-L didn't do anything very special,  just jokes, cuddles, loving words.

The kids did their duty by my mother when she lived with us later, but there was no basis of warmth to build on.

Edited October 17, 2023 by Laura Corin

[Jaybee]

6 hours ago, Frances said:

When my son was very little and video chatting was not yet a thing, we made a small photo album with family pictures and would look at it together and talk about family members several times per week. I think our son always sensed how comfortable we were with all of our parents and how much we trusted them, so even when he was a toddler and preschooler he was very comfortable staying alone with them, despite living far away and only seeing them infrequently. 

We lived either far away or overseas when our children were small, other than a year here and there. We didn't have the little photo albums, but it always amazed me at how our usually rather shy children immediately felt comfortable with our parents when we saw them again after several years. It was as though they just knew these people were different, were special, and there wasn't that awkwardness to have to get over, at least not more than a few hours maybe. Of course, it helped that our parents were good with them, too. 

[teachermom2834]

My MIL would see the kids a couple times a year when they were little and she just tried to cram in all the parenting she could during that time. Correcting them on their manners, religious instruction, eat your vegetables. It was just so misguided. My kids are really easy going but they still talk about how she would take them out to lunch and then correct their orders if they ordered French fries and Mac and cheese as sides instead of a veggie. Then she would bring them home and report that they didn’t eat their carrots.  Just no. So so no. 

We tried to explain that she wasn’t going to fix everything we were doing wrong raising them two weeks a year but she would double down that someone had to do it and it was her responsibility and that is just the way she is and she isn’t going to change and her mother was that way and we had to just get used to it. 
 

We have virtually no relationship now so it is one of those how is that working for you things. It’s an extreme example and I know no one here would act that way but it informs my attitude to be the exact opposite. 
 

Now, my dad was very involved with my kids seeing them several times a week, taking them to ballgames, helping with transportation, attending all their functions. He could give them pointers like take your hat off inside or things like that and they that was different. So I’m not saying there isn’t a place for gentle life lessons. But definitely have to flex to the situation.

[Jann in TX]

5 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

My MIL would see the kids a couple times a year when they were little and she just tried to cram in all the parenting she could during that time. Correcting them on their manners, religious instruction, eat your vegetables. It was just so misguided. My kids are really easy going but they still talk about how she would take them out to lunch and then correct their orders if they ordered French fries and Mac and cheese as sides instead of a veggie. Then she would bring them home and report that they didn’t eat their carrots.  Just no. So so no. 

We tried to explain that she wasn’t going to fix everything we were doing wrong raising them two weeks a year but she would double down that someone had to do it and it was her responsibility and that is just the way she is and she isn’t going to change and her mother was that way and we had to just get used to it. 
 

THIS!!!   This is what my step-mom (and my older sister) did to my older girls!!!  HORRIBLE experiences for them when we went to visit.  I was a slow learner and did not realize the damage this 'loving' had on my girls until  it was too late.  Youngest dd has has many fewer visits plus my parents have gained a few manners (Finally).