How much do you expect college-aged offspring to be involved in family life?

[Bootsie]

Over the years I have seen parents' involvement in their college students life increase.  When I went to college may parents usually did not know what classes I was taking, when I had an exam, what my grade on a paper was, how many assignments I had in a class, etc.  The most frequent advice from parents seemed to be "go to class, don't sleep in."  

I have seen a trend for parents to be more interested in helping and assisting their college students be successful.  What I have been surprised about, however, is I have seen an increasing number of parents who expect their kids to miss class for things that are important to the parents.  It still surprises me when Billy says he is going to miss class for a week during the semester to be in his brother's destination wedding.   It also surprises me when Sally needs to travel home because grandma is ill and she needs to be their to support her mother. But I am getting an increasing number of college students telling me that they will miss class because their younger sibling is turning 18 and the entire family is traveling to Las Vegas for a week; or, they will miss a week of class because their parent is receiving an advanced degree and they are going to the graduation; or, it is their birthday and their parents surprised them by flying into town and even though they have a presentation in class that night their parents want them to ask if they can miss to go to dinner because the parents already have reservations; or, they are from New Orleans so their parents want them to miss a week for Mardi Gras celebrations; or their parents planned their spring break trip to the Caribbean for a week that doesn't coincide with the University's spring break; or their parents got tickets to a great sporting event...

It seems odd to me that parents are encouraging their kids to miss class except in the rarest of emergency situations. It seems as if they expect their kids to be available to vacation, go to dinner, and participate in family events despite the fact that they may be enrolled in a class a thousand miles away.  Am I that much out of step with society?

 

[Pawz4me]

I'm just spit balling here, and I have no idea which came first or if they're related, but I've noticed that the school teachers in my orbit take a lot more time off during the school year than they used to. One teacher I know had the usual Christmas break and then took an additional week off (after school had resumed) to go south for a vacation. If kids grow up seeing their teachers take lots of time off, then I'm guessing it seems normal and natural for them to expect to take time off themselves. But that's just speculation. My boys finished college several years ago and while I don't recall either of them ever  having to miss any classes for family related events, it wasn't uncommon for their professors to cancel classes. 

[Grace Hopper]

Good grief. My reaction is always “ya better not miss class for that!”

I wonder if it has to do with the cost of college being so high now that a student can’t really just work hard to cover costs and make it their own thing; parents who are paying lotsa money for school may feel entitled to be dictating the schedule? It’s silly. 
 

FWIW what you describe is very much what I’ve seen at the private high school level. Taking kids out for events that didn’t have to be scheduled on school days. (And having a lot of sway on which teachers’ contracts get renewed, but that’s a whole different topic).

[teachermom2834]

I do not expect my college age kids or my young adult kids to be on call for family stuff. My current college student is a little over an hour away and I will mention things to him like “hey your sister is in a play on this weekend if you can make it” but I don’t pressure and I would not want him to miss class. 
 

However, I am seeing what you are seeing to the point it makes me uncomfortable when people ask if my kids are coming home for my birthday/anniversary/Easter whatever because I feel like people are really judging my family culture and closeness. I also totally see people think their kids’ professors are unreasonable for not accommodating every family event. 
 

 

 

Edited January 24, 2023 by teachermom2834

[prairiewindmomma]

I don’t have those expectations for my kids but I do see a lot of parents who make unrealistic demands of their kids and because those kids are financially dependent on those parents are hesitant to say no because the parents are…hard to say no to without a huge blowup. 
 

 

[sassenach]

I have no knowledge of how it used to be but I did graduate from college pretty recently, and also have 2 in college currently. I would say that it might be pandemic carry over. As a society, we collectively decided that physically being present in a specific space didn't matter. What mattered was getting the work done (and often we called poorly done work "good enough" for the sake of keeping things moving). We pulled these kids out of their high school classrooms, sat them at home and told them it was the same. It wasn't the same, but that message had WAY more lasting impact than most people predicted. So now you have a whole society of people prioritizing personal and family time/events over work and school. Is that the worst? No, I think some of it is good. Has it swung a little too far? Yes, I would agree that it has. We're all going to have to recalibrate as a society. I can't tell if you are an instructor or not, but I would say that it will be up to the people in charge (bosses, teachers, etc) to decide where the line is and what the consequences are. I think what you'll find is that a lot of students are fine with getting a lower grade and suffering some consequence for living a little (as are employees). 

Edited January 24, 2023 by sassenach

[Bambam]

We expect that they try to make it home (they are within an hour of our house) some general time around family birthdays (weekend or evening or just an afternoon) so we can celebrate - or make arrangements so we can come over there and celebrate.  Same with super major (aka "school is out") - holidays. Maybe not the entire time, but some of it - hopefully. 

The only thing I can think of that I would even think about suggesting they miss class would be if a sibling or parent was expected to die within a couple of hours. But even then, I'd just let them know and let them decide what to do. 

That said, I do ask them to send me their schedules so I won't try to contact them when they are in class. Yes, I'd hope they put their phone on silent, but sometimes people forget. Sometimes they have shared papers they have written so we can read them. I always enjoy that! 

[LuvToRead]

I guess I feel the opposite.  I don't want my daughter in college to miss class for family events.  We try to schedule important events to coordinate with her schedule.  Se's fairly local - less than 3 hours away - so it's pretty easy for her to come home for a weekend.  Since we're paying her tuition I would rather her be in class because I want my money's worth!

[freesia]

I don’t have a lot of experience with either side of this. I do know there are a lot of people who feel like it can’t hurt to ask so they ask for outrageous exceptions just in case it’s possible. 
 

I put a sibling’s wedding in a different category, though. I do think that’s a legitimate ask bc the student doesn’t usually get an input and it is a huge family moment. 

[Terabith]

I can understand missing class for deaths in family (either visiting with someone terminally ill or funerals), and I can maybe understand weddings.  Especially immediate family weddings. 

Edited January 24, 2023 by Terabith

[Miss Tick]

Mind boggling to me, but my dc don't start college until next year. Maybe I will feel differently?

Dh, in academia, says he and I and most of his colleagues are out of touch on this. Students and their parents are the customers, and view the relationship that way.

He also says that COVID may have opened the floodgates here. By trying to be flexible about all sorts of things, now students want flexibility on everything (although this is often treated as a one-way street.)

 

[MEmama]

We don't expect DS to miss class or study time when we visit; we work around his schedule. Likewise he travels with friends during spring break instead of coming home; I'm sure the same might be true of winter break someday too. 
 

It would have to be a major, major event to ask him to come home during term.

[teachermom2834]

I realize that weddings are (supposedly) once in a lifetime major events so they are important not to miss. But something has changed because back when my siblings/cousins/friends were getting married and important players were in college it was understood that weddings were planned in the summers ( or one over a winter break) or attendance wouldn’t be expected. Likewise, no one actually planned their own wedding during the semester. It just wouldn’t have even occurred to any of us at that time to plan our wedding during the semester. Yet, my dh is an adjunct cc professor and he routinely has students missing for their weddings/honeymoons. If for some reason someone had a quick wedding mid semester they certainly would have postponed a honeymoon. But that has definitely changed.

I think it is just seen more like elementary school. Like you can miss if you have a good reason. 

[Grace Hopper]

I did not grow up with big family vacations for spring break, but that is a huge thing where we live now. People take spectacular week to 10 day vacations which they plan for way in advance. So if they have two college students at different universities and a kid or two still in K-12, that could mean three different school dates for spring break. Folks I know in those situations do have to decide who skips school, whether to take the youngers out or expect the older to skip. It’s kinda crazy, but for some reason spring break time is locked into the culture and vacations not planned for the summer instead (frankly I’m mostly talking about people who will *also* have a summer trip).
 

 

Edited January 24, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Clarita]

I also remember when I was in college decades ago there were class times in college that were miss-able. So, it doesn't hurt to ask a professor what's going to happen in a certain lecture or two and see if it's miss-able. Not that you are one of these professors but I had probably 2 professors in my college going days where showing up to class didn't really help me learn at all. 

7 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I have no knowledge of how it used to be but I did graduate from college pretty recently, and also have 2 in college currently. I would say that it might be pandemic carry over. As a society, we collectively decided that physically being present in a specific space didn't matter. What mattered was getting the work done (and often we called poorly done work "good enough" for the sake of keeping things moving). We pulled these kids out of their high school classrooms, sat them at home and told them it was the same. It wasn't the same, but that message had WAY more lasting impact than most people predicted. So now you have a whole society of people prioritizing personal and family time/events over work and school. Is that the worst? No, I think some of it is good. Has it swung a little too far? Yes, I would agree that it has. We're all going to have to recalibrate as a society.

Ditto on this.  In my state, I feel like this continues to be the stance for K-12 because if you have the sniffles you should stay home.

[catz]

That is absolutely crazy town to me and I would not consider any of that an excused absense.  Absent an emergency situation - health emergency, death in immediate family, sudden loss of housing or something like that, I can't imagine missing a full week of classes across the boards and trying to continue the semester.

If like my older son wanted to get married when my younger goes off to college, I would encourage him to schedule it over a break or in such a way she could zip in for a weekend.  And if it didn't work for her to attend, oh well.  I can't see asking for maybe more than a day or so to travel for a wedding.  

I have a college senior.  He has barely come home when class is in session.  He is doing a college related trip over spring break and he's part of a group with weekend committments so he won't be home at all this semester (his last semester).   We haven't had a family vacation since before he started college between covid and college.  Other than maybe having a little fun in his college town (which is a great little city with very nice amenities).

I kept a closer track and was in communication more earlier in his college career.  I couldn't tell you what he is taking this semester or what his grades were last semester.  I can tell you I got a letter last week that said he was invited to an honor society for graduation (top 5 percent of graduates at his big 10 U).  So guess it is going a-ok!  And he is actually graduating!   Yay for adulting!  🤣🥳  He did get a merit scholarship but we are still playing a ton of money for college.

Edited January 24, 2023 by catz

[hshibley]

I have/had college age kids and generally have no idea what their class schedule or grades are. We pay tuition and room and board. 
 

I would thinking missing class for a death in the family (my grandmother died when I was in college and I went home for the funeral) and sibling weddings would be common (not a week just a day or two). The rest not so much. 

[Bootsie]

1 minute ago, teachermom2834 said:

I realize that weddings are (supposedly) once in a lifetime major events so they are important not to miss. But something has changed because back when my siblings/cousins/friends were getting married and important players were in college it was understood that weddings were planned in the summers ( or one over a winter break) or attendance wouldn’t be expected. Likewise, no one actually planned their own wedding during the semester. It just wouldn’t have even occurred to any of us at that time to plan our wedding during the semester. Yet, my dh is an adjunct cc professor and he routinely has students missing for their weddings/honeymoons. If for some reason someone had a quick wedding mid semester they certainly would have postponed a honeymoon. But that has definitely changed.

I think it is just seen more like elementary school. Like you can miss if you have a good reason. 

This was the thought when planning weddings when I was in college, also.  At most, someone might be scrambling to figure out how to miss a Friday afternoon class to be able to get to a wedding rehearsal on Friday night for a Saturday wedding.  I am simply not used to the expectation that siblings, parents, and friends will be able to take a week off of work or school to go to a destination wedding celebration in Hawaii.  

[Soror]

I see that as parents pay more many are more controlling in general. Not just of their schedule but what their legal adult children can and can't do in ways that blow my mind.

Edited January 24, 2023 by Soror

[prairiewindmomma]

I do think it’s COVID tinged—but I think it’s less about people being used to being home and it’s more of a zeitgeist that people are going on trips come hell or high water.

I see people becoming unhinged about postponing trips or dealing with flight delays or cancellations as being related to this zeitgeist.

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

This was the thought when planning weddings when I was in college, also.  At most, someone might be scrambling to figure out how to miss a Friday afternoon class to be able to get to a wedding rehearsal on Friday night for a Saturday wedding.  I am simply not used to the expectation that siblings, parents, and friends will be able to take a week off of work or school to go to a destination wedding celebration in Hawaii.  

Ok, yes, a week off for a destination wedding is more than I was thinking. I was thinking missing a day or two at most. 

[teachermom2834]

I have no idea if this is a factor or not but dual enrollment is big where I am both for homeschoolers and traditional schoolers. When my kids did de I pretty much didn’t let them miss for anything. And the colleges say that they are not supposed to. However, in practice, de students do miss for high school field trips/assemblies/school breaks that don’t coincide with the college break/etc. Perhaps this is just one contributing factor to blurring the lines on the importance of attendance. I think it is just with the homeschoolers I know. 

[sassenach]

Also want to add that my kids only come home on long weekends or breaks. I wouldn't plan a trip that required them to miss class. That said, when I was recently in school, there were a whole lot of classes that could have been missed on occasion with very little consequence. I do not think that missing a class here or there is a big deal in the big picture. Of course, it depends on the specific course, but there is a whole lotta fluff in college education. 

Edited January 24, 2023 by sassenach

[Bootsie]

The idea that parents are paying for an expensive college education makes them more involved in their child's success (knowing about exams, helping with papers, etc.) makes some sense.  I hadn't really thought about it from the perspective of paying for the child's education also entitles the parent to request that the child miss college classes.  Maybe that is some of the mindset; I was looking at from the opposite direction--why would you pay so much for a college class and then encourage or pressure your child not to get the most out of it possible?

[rebcoola]

When I was in college you showed up in class or didn't an no one cared. I mean if there was a presentation or lab you obviously had to be there but otherwise no one was checking.  I wouldn't ask the teacher because they didn't care.  Shoot I took a sociology class that I only showed for like 4 times because the teacher basically lectured straight from the book showed up test days and got an A.  

[1234]

2 minutes ago, rebcoola said:

When I was in college you showed up in class or didn't an no one cared. I mean if there was a presentation or lab you obviously had to be there but otherwise no one was checking.  I wouldn't ask the teacher because they didn't care.  Shoot I took a sociology class that I only showed for like 4 times because the teacher basically lectured straight from the book showed up test days and got an A.  

Yes, dh was shocked when oldest went that there was an actual attendance policy. Dh graduated from Berkeley with an Applied Mathematics degree and missed a ton of classes because he had to work so much. He said he never would have made it to graduation if his professors cared about attendance.

Ds rarely missed class due the attendance policies but he did miss a class when our family dog died (I’m sure many find that crazy) and he skipped two classes to go out of town to see an Elton John concert with friends. Other than that, I have no idea if he missed any and never asked him to. 

[WildflowerMom]

My young adult still lives at home and is out of college for now.  Once he graduated highschool, my expectations of him stopped as far as family events, and truthfully even before then.   That said, I'm not a sentimental person, so maybe that has something to do with it?   When dh's grandmother passed years ago, I couldn't believe her college attending granddaughter left school for so long (like 4 days maybe?) to attend the funeral.   I think one prof required an obit.   But like I said, I'm really not sentimental in most things.  As a prof, I would just not excuse those frivolous absences, like a vacation or some family member's graduation.   I'm baffled an adult would even expect those absences to be excused.  

[regentrude]

We never expected out kids to miss college class for any private events - but we're college professors ourselves.
It bugs me when students expect to be excused from exams because they are going on a  family vacation in the middle of the semester. But thankfully that happens only rarely.

Edited January 24, 2023 by regentrude

[regentrude]

30 minutes ago, freesia said:

I put a sibling’s wedding in a different category, though. I do think that’s a legitimate ask bc the student doesn’t usually get an input and it is a huge family moment. 

But it's not like they don't know they have a sibling who is in college - so why do they schedule their wedding on a weekday in the middle of the semester if they want sibling to be there? Neither weddings nor college happen unexpectedly.

[TheReader]

I expected to come in and say "yes, I still want my college kids involved in family life, especially as they still live at home" but the stuff you are describing seems over the top, even to me.  (maybe the wedding thing, I mean....if the wedding were scheduled before the semester started/kid had set their schedule, and especially if it were March or a normal spring break time, but the college picked a different week, but the brother had the wedding set, etc....that seems reasonable to me). 

We do want our children involved in family stuff, but not at the expense of class. We work the other stuff around school, as much as is in our ability to do so (well, I suppose there, if a family member in the immediate family were getting an advanced degree, and the graduation were set, and for some reason it was a weeknight, yes, we'd want the other family members to attend unless it was finals week or something). 

But vacations, plays, etc. - nope. One of the hardest things to adjust to, when Oldest was away at school, was that we'd buy 5 tickets to things on the weekends, just in case, and then he either would or wouldn't make it depending what he had going on at school (studying, etc.). Of course, he ended up coming home after a mental health/health crisis, so maybe we should have pushed more breaks, but still. 

We're also pretty used to celebrating big things on different days if that's what works best for everyone, though. DS's 18th bday is coming up and falls on a day when I have a work obligation that night, that I really cannot skip. So, we will celebrate the weekend before or after instead with probably a mini thing that night (I'll be home in time to do maybe cake/presents that night, but the main dinner/etc will have to be a different day). Likewise if that was a day his siblings had class, we'd not ask them to skip. 

[Kassia]

31 minutes ago, freesia said:

 

I put a sibling’s wedding in a different category, though. I do think that’s a legitimate ask bc the student doesn’t usually get an input and it is a huge family moment. 

I agree with this. I wouldn't expect my kids in college to leave school except for something like a sibling's wedding.  We didn't even have them come home for funerals but I think they might need some bereavement time if someone close to them died (either family or friend).  

 

[marbel]

32 minutes ago, freesia said:

I put a sibling’s wedding in a different category, though. I do think that’s a legitimate ask bc the student doesn’t usually get an input and it is a huge family moment. 

I see this differently. If it's a huge family moment, then certainly the schedules of all family members should be considered. I can't imagine when dates were discussed the college student wouldn't be asked "will this work for you?" "Lemme check, uh, that's in the middle of midterms." Can the response to that be anything but "let's look at other dates then. When does the semester end/when is spring break?" I mean, I guess it can but what a lack of consideration for the entire family. 

[regentrude]

25 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I also remember when I was in college decades ago there were class times in college that were miss-able. So, it doesn't hurt to ask a professor what's going to happen in a certain lecture or two and see if it's miss-able. 

Oh no! Asking the professor whether they are "doing anything important in class" implies that you expect that the prof is not doing anything that is worthwhile attending, and that comes across as quite an insult.
The student could ask what is covered (after ascertaining that this is not already stated in the syllabus) and what the best way would be for them to catch up on the missed material. 

[mlktwins]

We aren't there yet until next year, but I don't plan for the boys to miss class for anything other than if they are sick or injured. I'm pretty sure both will be coming home for any breaks they can (they will be 1-3 hours from us) - one because he loves home and the other because his girlfriend is here and she will be coming home from her college. I can see that changing if they end up with girlfriends on campus and they decide to do something with them during breaks.

Our family has shrunk a lot at this point so the only deaths or major events I could see them coming home for is mine, DH's, or their brother's. If my dad passes, which is likely to happen, I would not have them come home for that and would plan the service during a time when they can be there (long story, but this is how it will go).

[TheReader]

*On the other hand, the weather here today is nutso, and so Middle is attending his class over Teams rather than go in person.....so, I wonder if the Covid switch to virtual is impacting this? So many of the in person classes (at least for my kids) still have either an online option, or online portion, or "the class meets in person, but I'll also record and live stream in Teams" type thing that everything's just become more flexible feeling.   So maybe that's at play?  

[TheReader]

1 minute ago, marbel said:

I see this differently. If it's a huge family moment, then certainly the schedules of all family members should be considered. I can't imagine when dates were discussed the college student wouldn't be asked "will this work for you?" "Lemme check, uh, that's in the middle of midterms." Can the response to that be anything but "let's look at other dates then. When does the semester end/when is spring break?" I mean, I guess it can but what a lack of consideration for the entire family. 

yea, my only thought on the destination wedding thing would be if it was something like scheduling out in advance, for when the family expected Spring Break would fall (or fall break, or whatever), but then the college switched it up and it was a different week than normal, and......then what? 

(but, also, probably in that case the sibling should have just waited for summer, to be on the safe side) (or not planned a destination wedding)

[1234]

4 minutes ago, marbel said:

I see this differently. If it's a huge family moment, then certainly the schedules of all family members should be considered. I can't imagine when dates were discussed the college student wouldn't be asked "will this work for you?" "Lemme check, uh, that's in the middle of midterms." Can the response to that be anything but "let's look at other dates then. When does the semester end/when is spring break?" I mean, I guess it can but what a lack of consideration for the entire family. 

Some people might have a specific date they want to get married because it’s special for one, or both, of them. I don’t think missing for a wedding is weird.

ETA: I actually think having attendance policies in college is weird though so I’m probably not the best to ask. 🙃

Edited January 24, 2023 by Joker2

[skimomma]

I have a college student and we would never ask her to miss class for most family events.  I can see it being appropriate when the death of a loved one is involved.  I could also see it for the wedding of someone super close, but certainly not for a full week!  In fact, dd's uncle got married earlier this year and it was never a question that she would attend even though she is relatively close to him.  It was far away and not on a weekend so she would have missed the full week of classes.  Even if we had expected her to attend, I doubt she would have agreed since it would have been so disruptive.  We did get an earful from several relatives about her absence.  Her uncle understood, in fact we told him that the date he was considering would mean that she could not attend, but others were shocked that she did not come and had no qualms with voicing their thoughts on this loudly and frequently.  I was quite annoyed.  

 

[MrsMommy]

3 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

Some people might have a specific date they want to get married because it’s special for one, or both, of them. I don’t think missing for a wedding is weird.

ETA: I actually think having attendance policies in college is weird though so I’m probably not the best to ask. 🙃

And cost could be a factor, too. Some days of the week are cheaper for weddings. We got married on a Friday to save money...it was way less expensive than a weekend wedding, and I imagine middle of the week could be even more so.

[kirstenhill]

Just now, Joker2 said:

Some people might have a specific date they want to get married because it’s special for one, or both, of them. I don’t think missing for a wedding is weird.

Or the couple getting married could get time off only at a particular time, or the venue had limited availability, etc.  

I guess I'll chime in that I could see the wedding thing also, but I would also not "Expect" that my college age kid would necessarily come if there was a family wedding during the semester.  I would leave the decision up to the individual kid and have no expectation that would choose to miss classes.

I don't have much of an expectation that my college age DD will be around for any events that happen during the school year, and maybe not even on break.  We will try to schedule a family vacation when she is available, but we know and she knows that it might not work out depending on what her summer plans end up being for possible summer class/internship/study abroad, etc.  I do, however, talk to her a lot about what classes she is taking, how they are going, how work is going, etc.  But not because I want to have "control" or anything.  It's more that we are close and I want to know what's going on in her life, and she seems to want to tell me.  I called my mom every week too when I was in college.  I can't remember if we talked about my classes or what we talked about, but it seems normal to me to talk with a college age dc about their lives. 

[Sneezyone]

25 minutes ago, rebcoola said:

When I was in college you showed up in class or didn't an no one cared. I mean if there was a presentation or lab you obviously had to be there but otherwise no one was checking.  I wouldn't ask the teacher because they didn't care.  Shoot I took a sociology class that I only showed for like 4 times because the teacher basically lectured straight from the book showed up test days and got an A.  

This. I feel like some schools treat attendance more like high school than my university professors did. We didn’t ask permission. You either showed or you didn’t. I distinctly remember how pissed my friend was (same class) when I showed a handful of times all semester and our grades were separated by +/-. The lecture was superfluous.  Only the breakouts and lab mattered.

[rebcoola]

5 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

This. I feel like some schools treat attendance more like high school than my university professors did. We didn’t ask permission. You either showed or you didn’t. I distinctly remember how pissed my friend was (same class) when I showed a handful of times all semester and our grades were separated by +/-. The lecture was superfluous.  Only the breakouts and lab mattered.

It's also I big part of the reason college was so much more palatable than high school!

[Ditto]

24 minutes ago, regentrude said:

But it's not like they don't know they have a sibling who is in college - so why do they schedule their wedding on a weekday in the middle of the semester if they want sibling to be there? Neither weddings nor college happen unexpectedly.

 

20 minutes ago, marbel said:

I see this differently. If it's a huge family moment, then certainly the schedules of all family members should be considered. I can't imagine when dates were discussed the college student wouldn't be asked "will this work for you?" "Lemme check, uh, that's in the middle of midterms." Can the response to that be anything but "let's look at other dates then. When does the semester end/when is spring break?" I mean, I guess it can but what a lack of consideration for the entire family. 

I agree with both of you on this.  Weddings are not an excuse to miss class for me either.

[Ditto]

31 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

My young adult still lives at home and is out of college for now.  Once he graduated highschool, my expectations of him stopped as far as family events, and truthfully even before then.   That said, I'm not a sentimental person, so maybe that has something to do with it?   When dh's grandmother passed years ago, I couldn't believe her college attending granddaughter left school for so long (like 4 days maybe?) to attend the funeral.   I think one prof required an obit.   But like I said, I'm really not sentimental in most things.  As a prof, I would just not excuse those frivolous absences, like a vacation or some family member's graduation.   I'm baffled an adult would even expect those absences to be excused.  

I am the same way.  Truly I could have written this myself.

[bolt.]

It will be up to my college students what they think they do or don't want to miss class for -- but I wouldn't be surprised if they wanted to miss class for the opportunity to travel, or to "be there for" family members experiencing crisis.

These days, zooming in, or watching the recording of a class is pretty normal, so 'missing class' isn't as catastrophic as it used to be. Students can be quite successful with a missed class or two in a semester.

As a parent, I would avoid intentionally planning anything (like travel, or a wedding) during a time where it would be in conflict with a student's known semester's schedule. But some of that is beyond my control. I'd neither ask them to attend, nor imply that they should not. They are the best judge of their own priorities and their own likelihood of being harmed by disrupting their class attendance.

So, to the main question, I "expect" nothing in particular. That's not on my side of the fence.

[Loowit]

DD was pretty upset to learn that she was not able to go with us to her brother's boot camp graduation last year.  She really wanted to be there, but she would have had to miss class.  We took lots of pictures and tried to involve her that way.  It was hard on her.  Her college education is very important to her and she takes attendance very seriously.

We try to plan family events like vacations and stuff around her school schedule as much as we can.  Some things you can't plan for like illness, death, etc. but we do what we can.  She can make her own choices as to missing classes or not, but some of her professors have pretty strict attendance policies, and some do not allow for excused absences even for illnesses.  If you miss X number of classes your grade will go down no matter why you missed.

[regentrude]

29 minutes ago, Joker2 said:

I actually think having attendance policies in college is weird though so I’m probably not the best to ask

I'm totally with you - I would love not to have any policies re attendance/assignments and just assess the mastery of the material at the end of the semester.
However, with colleges competing for tuition dollars and student as paying customers whose success must be assured at all cost, the handholding and micromanaging is required by the administration because, if you left students to their own devices, graduation rates would tank.
I am very much in favor of treating students like adults who either want to learn or not; however, this does not appear a suitable approach for many of the of students who attend college these days.

ETA: Faculty are reprimanded if the rate of Ds and Fs rises above a certain threshold. I can point out that every.single.student who fails my classes also has multiple missed assignments, but somehow it will still be my fault and I will be punished. For not "making" them do it.

Edited January 24, 2023 by regentrude

[1234]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

I'm totally with you - I would love not to have any policies re attendance/assignments and just assess the mastery of the material at the end of the semester.
However, with colleges competing for tuition dollars and student as paying customers whose success must be assured at all cost, the handholding and micromanaging is required by the administration because, if you left students to their own devices, graduation rates would tank.
I am very much in favor of treating students like adults who either want to learn or not; however, this does not appear a suitable approach for many of the of students who attend college these days

Oh, I understand why it has become a thing and I’m sure many professors dislike it as well. I just think it’s crazy that we’re at this point where attendance in college is what it is. 

[Clemsondana]

When I was in college, we never missed for much of anything.  I think missing a day for a funeral, or a Friday for a family wedding, isn't a crisis - it shouldn't happen very often.  When I was a student, almost all weddings of college-aged people were in the summer to avoid this.  My family also isn't the kind that would be upset if a cousin couldn't be at a wedding or funeral due to school. 

I can't imagine family expecting students to miss class for birthdays or vacations.  But, I have some cousins that are in their late 20s.  I know that when one was a freshman, first they took the whole week off at Thanksgiving (skipping M/T classes and coming home the Friday before) and then they missed some more time in December for a family trip to Disney (they went yearly when they were growing up).  They wound up switching majors because, as I could have told them, you can't pass science classes doing that.  

My older will likely be dual enrolling almost everything next year.  Kid will also be on the homeschool quiz bowl team - the group that does those shows on PBS.  We are already angsty about the possibility that they may have to miss class to participate since it could be any day of the week.  I'm not worried about class-  the possible missed days are 2/3 of the way through the semester, and kid will hopefully have established themselves as a good student io instructors are usually willing to work with that.  But, we are debating putting the class with a lab in the spring to avoid missing that - I know how hard make-up labs can be to schedule.  But, the fact that we are thinking about this now and trying to minimize impact means that we are also not the population that misses class randomly.  I still remember being shocked that, when I taught a once/week class at a community college, I had a pregnant student miss class early in the semester because her family had scheduled her baby shower for then.  I had students miss class because their wives (or the students themselves) were having babies, and memorably one mom came to take a test before her daughter's surgery, saying that she needed the distraction and to clear one thing off her plate before helping her kiddo recover, and all of those students did fine.  The students who missed for things like showers always ended up dropping or failing.  

Edited to add:  I hated tracking attendance, but we were required to for financial aid reasons - we had to know if people quit coming to class and were committing fraud.  I set policies around not needing to figure out whether an absence was excused or not.  I was as accommodating as possible in ways that didn't inconvenience me - letting them take tests in the testing center within a week, etc.  In the end, students with real excuses did fine.  Students with nonsense excuses tended to do poorly.  

Edited January 24, 2023 by Clemsondana

[Bootsie]

35 minutes ago, regentrude said:

We never expected out kids to miss college class for any private events - but we're college professors ourselves.
It bugs me when students expect to be excused from exams because they are going on a  family vacation in the middle of the semester. But thankfully that happens only rarely.

This is why one of the requests/notifications I received today was odd to me:  "I wanted to reach out and let you know I will  be missing class Wednesday and Friday.  I didn't want you to think I am skipping class, but I am going out of town to attend my mom's doctoral program graduation.  She is also a professor here...."  The mother has an undergraduate degree, a law degree, and an MBA.  I would never ask my child to miss several classes in order to travel to my graduation for yet another degree.  (And I must ask what graduation occurs during in the last week of January that requires missing classes in the middle of the week?)