Thank you notes should be personalized (JAWM)

[Hyacinth]

We traveled to my niece and her fiancé’s bridal shower. They did that thing where they ask people to bring their gifts unwrapped to display on a table instead of opening the gifts in front of everyone. I like this: less waste, less awkwardness for the bride/groom, more time to visit, etc. We got her a very nice gift that I was 99% sure they would LOVE. It was thoughtful, personalized, and a little pricey for our usual gift-giving budget. We were excited to give it to her. And I was a little bummed that we wouldn’t get to see her reaction. But I figured she’d let me know.  

I got a thank you card in the mail yesterday. It was generic: “Thank you for the gift. It was so great to see you! Can’t wait to celebrate again in six weeks!” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s pretty close. No mention of the specific gift. Not even a “Dear Aunt Hyacinth“ at the beginning. Just the same note that she likely sent to every person at the shower.

I’m a little old-fashioned, I have a hint of curmudgeon in me, and I know there are way bigger issues in the world right now. Also, I’m hurt.

I’m not looking for advice. Just a little commiseration and agreement that thank you messages should be at least a little bit personalized.

[Rosie_0801]

"Dear Aunt Hyacinth" isn't much to ask...

[teachermom2834]

It would be very disappointing to pick out a nice gift you are excited to give and then get zero reaction.  I try hard not to be bothered by these things because it is what it is and nowadays I guess the generic thank you is a step up from the nonexistant thank you. 

But, the flip side of not being bothered by not getting acknowledged is that I really don't want to put the effort into the gift either. So that isn't a win for anyone either. Just protects my feelings a little.

 

[Bambam]

I am in total agreement. 

For a young child, I'm okay with the fill-in-the-blank thank you cards that they have filled in the blank. 

But for anyone else, come up, step up, someone put time, energy, thought, and money into your present. Take the 10-15 minutes to write a nice thoughtful thank you note! I get it, you have a bunch to write - set aside an hour or two every day until you are done. It is okay if husband-to-be writes some too. 

I have trouble getting presents for people who do not acknowledge them. Tacky, but if you have no gratitude, I'm not sure I want to spend time, energy, thought, and money into getting you a present. Now, if I bring you food/whatever when you are having trouble, no thank you needed. I understand it can be hard, so I'm happy to help. But birthdays? weddings? graduations? come on, send a thank you. 

 

[happi duck]

Yikes! In that situation I'd assume they didn't even know which gift came from who

[marbel]

39 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Yikes! In that situation I'd assume they didn't even know which gift came from who

I agree that a personalized thank you is the correct thing to do. I would be annoyed too. 

But, like happi duck I am wondering how it works out when the gifts are placed on a table with no wrappings etc. Were cards or tags attached in some way? Or was there someone keeping track in some way?  I'm just having a hard time picturing it. I do like the idea of skipping the wrapping - it is such a waste. (Also, tbh, I find showers with a very long gift-opening to be tedious.) 

But all in all, yes, I agree with you. 

[Kassia]

I definitely agree that a thank you note should be personalized.  It doesn't have to be elaborate or anything - a minimum to me is just that the person acknowledges that they received the actual gift you gave them.  If they want to do more, that's fine but it's not necessary for me and I don't expect a thank you if the gift was acknowledged in person.  What bugs me is if I send a gift and it's not acknowledged - sometimes I don't even know if the person received it.  That has happened to me several times and it's so frustrating.  And, as @happi duck said - a generic thank you just makes you feel like the person doesn't know or care what gift you gave.

ETA - and I don't even need an actual card - a text, email, facebook/instagram message...anything!  Just let me know you got the gift I sent.  

I do notice that my generation tends to do a beautiful job with thank yous.  It almost seems like it's a lost art.  

Edited August 28, 2022 by Kassia

[Toocrazy!!]

I totally agree with you. To not see then open the present, or thank you for it in person at the shower, and then get such a generic card is disappointing.
 

It’s so hard for me to get DS to write thank you cards, but I have to say I’ve been very impressed with the thank you cards I’ve received this summer from high school grads and shower recipients. They were top notch for sure. 

I’ve never heard of such a shower where the gifts are unwrapped, but I like that idea a lot. There’s only so much excitement you can show over Pyrex - as great as it is to receive. 

[frankincense]

nm

Edited April 11, 2023 by frankincense
Typo

[gardenmom5]

Not really unexpected since she couldn't be bothered to even open wrapped gifts.

[teachermom2834]

Back when I got married my personalized thank you notes allowed me to clear up a mix up. I had written my thank you notes but an aunt of dh’s made a comment about how I apparently had been too busy to write them. Well everyone else spoke up that they had received them promptly and it was discovered that the tag on this person’s gift went missing and two gifts were together that seemed to be from the same person so it made sense and I didn’t have an unaccounted for gift. So I had accidentally thanked one person for two small items and this person for nothing at all. I was really glad to have that cleared up and thank her properly.

It isn’t just old fashioned stuffiness. Thank you notes actually serve a purpose. 

[marbel]

27 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Not really unexpected since she couldn't be bothered to even open wrapped gifts.

It seemed (in the OP) that the shower hosts asked for unwrapped gifts to be displayed. I wouldn't necessarily jump to "she couldn't be bothered" when presumably she was not the host of her own shower.  (It doesn't remove the recipient's obligation to properly thank givers for gifts.) 

I came across this on Brides Magazine (https://www.brides.com/story/display-bridal-shower-should-you-have-one) 

At a display shower, guests bring unwrapped gifts and put them on display with name tags labeling who gave what. This cuts down on the time spent unwrapping gifts and can also be eco-friendly. 

...

Are you a maid of honor who is stumped over how to explain this choice to guests? "A long explanation isn't necessary—usually you can just tell your guests to bring their gifts unwrapped, then designate one person at the shower to place name tags on all of the gifts," Spector says. "It limits confusion, cleanup is minimal, and the bride will for sure know who gave her what. Guests shouldn't feel uncomfortable with a bride's decision to do a display shower. It's a day to celebrate her, plus she's saved them the hassle of wrapping their gifts, too!"

Edited August 28, 2022 by marbel

[Elizabeth86]

2 hours ago, Bambam said:

I am in total agreement. 

For a young child, I'm okay with the fill-in-the-blank thank you cards that they have filled in the blank. 

But for anyone else, come up, step up, someone put time, energy, thought, and money into your present. Take the 10-15 minutes to write a nice thoughtful thank you note! I get it, you have a bunch to write - set aside an hour or two every day until you are done. It is okay if husband-to-be writes some too. 

I have trouble getting presents for people who do not acknowledge them. Tacky, but if you have no gratitude, I'm not sure I want to spend time, energy, thought, and money into getting you a present. Now, if I bring you food/whatever when you are having trouble, no thank you needed. I understand it can be hard, so I'm happy to help. But birthdays? weddings? graduations? come on, send a thank you. 

 

I even have my young children write personalized notes. If they can’t handle the writing, I write it and they sign it so the gift giver knows what they had to say about. 

[HSmomof2]

3 hours ago, Hyacinth said:

We traveled to my niece and her fiancé’s bridal shower. They did that thing where they ask people to bring their gifts unwrapped to display on a table instead of opening the gifts in front of everyone. I like this: less waste, less awkwardness for the bride/groom, more time to visit, etc. We got her a very nice gift that I was 99% sure they would LOVE. It was thoughtful, personalized, and a little pricey for our usual gift-giving budget. We were excited to give it to her. And I was a little bummed that we wouldn’t get to see her reaction. But I figured she’d let me know.  

I got a thank you card in the mail yesterday. It was generic: “Thank you for the gift. It was so great to see you! Can’t wait to celebrate again in six weeks!” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s pretty close. No mention of the specific gift. Not even a “Dear Aunt Hyacinth“ at the beginning. Just the same note that she likely sent to every person at the shower.

I’m a little old-fashioned, I have a hint of curmudgeon in me, and I know there are way bigger issues in the world right now. Also, I’m hurt.

I’m not looking for advice. Just a little commiseration and agreement that thank you messages should be at least a little bit personalized.

I agree it should have been more personalized, at least with your name, but at least you received a thank you.

I’ve been to 3 bridal showers, 2 weddings, and a baby shower in the past 2 years and haven’t received a single thank you note. Many people are seriously lacking manners today…..

[Bambam]

19 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I even have my young children write personalized notes. If they can’t handle the writing, I write it and they sign it so the gift giver knows what they had to say about. 

I did this with my kids too. If they couldn't write, then they dictated and drew a picture to include with the thank you note. 

[Annie G]

14 minutes ago, marbel said:

 

At a display shower, guests bring unwrapped gifts and put them on display with name tags labeling who gave what. This cuts down on the time spent unwrapping gifts and can also be eco-friendly. 

...

Are you a maid of honor who is stumped over how to explain this choice to guests? "A long explanation isn't necessary—usually you can just tell your guests to bring their gifts unwrapped, then designate one person at the shower to place name tags on all of the gifts," Spector says. "It limits confusion, cleanup is minimal, and the bride will for sure know who gave her what. Guests shouldn't feel uncomfortable with a bride's decision to do a display shower. It's a day to celebrate her, plus she's saved them the hassle of wrapping their gifts, too!"

Why not let guest label their own gift? Some might attach a card they bought, others can put a tag on. I guess I’m baffled that they wouldn’t just have tags there for guests to label their own if they haven’t already.   
 

Wrapped or not, the thank you note  could have been better.

[marbel]

12 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Why not let guest label their own gift? Some might attach a card they bought, others can put a tag on. I guess I’m baffled that they wouldn’t just have tags there for guests to label their own if they haven’t already.   
 

Wrapped or not, the thank you note  could have been better.

I'm sure they could. This is just one idea for how to do it. I imagine there are other ways people do this.  Googling "display shower" brought up a bunch of sites; I just picked the first familiar site to quote from. 

[Kassia]

39 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

I even have my young children write personalized notes. If they can’t handle the writing, I write it and they sign it so the gift giver knows what they had to say about. 

that's what we did.  I would have them draw a picture or something too if they wanted to.  

[Ditto]

I fully agree with you, they should be personalized.

[Halftime Hope]

I have been married 35 years.  I still have a number of the gifts (kitchen and hospitality gifts) that were given to me.  I really appreciate seeing some of them and remembering the person that gave them to me--several gifts in particular, where the thoughtfulness of the gift was noteworthy in one way or another.  I would hate for people to miss out on that kind of happiness--due to the people, not the stuff--in their lives.

Thank you notes are essential. 

 

 

[Forget-Me-Not]

My SIL and her new husband sent photo postcards of themselves holding a sign that said, "Thank you!" on it and no personalization whatsoever.  I mean it's better than nothing at all, but . . . really? 

I haven't received any acknowledgement for the last several wedding/grad gifts I sent--all from a distance because I couldn't attend the event personally. I'm not big on handwritten notes for every little thing, but I do think wedding, grad, and baby gifts ought to be acknowledged personally. 

[gardenmom5]

57 minutes ago, marbel said:

It seemed (in the OP) that the shower hosts asked for unwrapped gifts to be displayed. I wouldn't necessarily jump to "she couldn't be bothered" when presumably she was not the host of her own shower.  (It doesn't remove the recipient's obligation to properly thank givers for gifts.) 

I came across this on Brides Magazine (https://www.brides.com/story/display-bridal-shower-should-you-have-one) 

 

putting gifts on display with name tags instead of unwrapping them in front of people isn't new - I saw it in movies from the 1930s .  (even "elf on the shelf" was around in the 50s/60s - my great-aunt had one that she'd had for years when she taught me about it in the 60s).  Just as preprinted generic thank you cards have been around for decades. (over my dead body . . . . . ) frankly - there was a time when people would be thrilled to have a generic thank you card vs no thank you card.  (I buy blank cards and can handwrite a personalized message for any occasion.)

For someone who is more "with it" re: social niceties - they realize they still need to handwrite a personalized thank you note.  For someone who is clueless (as so many of these social niceties are not taught anymore and that's why so many consult "these types of articles"), they probably think a generic thank you note is all they need to do unless it is bluntly spelled out.  I would have had more respect for that article you quoted if it had included a reminder that displaying gifts in lieu of wrapping/unwrapping them does not let the recipient off the hook of *writing* (and mailing) a thank you note that 1) doesn't start with "thank you for . . . ", 2) includes the gift giver's name, 3) includes a mention of the item given.

 

[ktgrok]

3 hours ago, happi duck said:

Yikes! In that situation I'd assume they didn't even know which gift came from who

Yup - my first thought is some tags/cards/whatever came loose, and they were not sure which gift was yours. I've had that happen more than once. But then I end up writing a longer thank you note than usual to try to sort of cover up that I have no idea what they gave me, lol. (well, I usually have it narrowed down to two gifts, but thanking them for the wrong one seems worse than trying to fake it)

[Farrar]

I was cut out of someone's life when I didn't write a thank you note for a very small baby gift that arrived after my kids were born and I was struggling through having twins. So basically anyone who has rules about thank you notes... I'm sorry, but screw it. Get over yourselves. Give when you want to give, be kind. Manners are not helpful for relationships.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I appreciate it when I give a gift and it is acknowledged.  Period.  I don't really care how. Card, text, email, whatever.   One of the most enjoyable was a Snapchat video with the recipient holding the gift and saying thanks!   I just like to know that they received it.  I remember being chastised for not getting out thank you notes to funeral attendees when I was overwhelmed with taking care of all the deceased affairs, my own grief, and taking care of my family all during the depths of seasonal affective disorder. 

 

[KathyBC]

While I agree with Farrar, relationships trump rules, I would definitely have felt the same way.
If it was important to me, I would outright ask the niece's parent, next time we spoke, "Hey, did niece mention gift? We were so excited to get it, and were hoping they would like it."
Because I would want to know!
 

Quote

We got her a very nice gift that I was 99% sure they would LOVE. It was thoughtful, personalized, and a little pricey for our usual gift-giving budget. We were excited to give it to her. And I was a little bummed that we wouldn’t get to see her reaction. But I figured she’d let me know.  

 

[teachermom2834]

13 minutes ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

I appreciate it when I give a gift and it is acknowledged.  Period.  I don't really care how. Card, text, email, whatever.   One of the most enjoyable was a Snapchat video with the recipient holding the gift and saying thanks!   I just like to know that they received it.  I remember being chastised for not getting out thank you notes to funeral attendees when I was overwhelmed with taking care of all the deceased affairs, my own grief, and taking care of my family all during the depths of seasonal affective disorder. 

 

I agree. I am fine with a text or a verbal acknowledgement. I don’t need formalities but I do like to know it was received. And about funerals. I am not down with thank you being necessary for funerals. I have never gotten one and I sure didn’t write thank you for Mass cards or things like that when my mom died. I did profusely thank my close friends who offered tangible assistance (like feeding my extended family!) and I sent an email or something to someone at my homeschool group that sent flowers. But I did not do the sit down and write thank yous to everyone that showed up or sent anything when my mom died. Just no way. And no way do I want a thank you for a Mass card or a flower arrangement from someone who is grieving. 

[Elizabeth86]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

I was cut out of someone's life when I didn't write a thank you note for a very small baby gift that arrived after my kids were born and I was struggling through having twins. So basically anyone who has rules about thank you notes... I'm sorry, but screw it. Get over yourselves. Give when you want to give, be kind. Manners are not helpful for relationships.

Ok so now I can see both sides of this! 

[QueenCat]

2 hours ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

My SIL and her new husband sent photo postcards of themselves holding a sign that said, "Thank you!" on it and no personalization whatsoever.  I mean it's better than nothing at all, but . . . really? 

I haven't received any acknowledgement for the last several wedding/grad gifts I sent--all from a distance because I couldn't attend the event personally. I'm not big on handwritten notes for every little thing, but I do think wedding, grad, and baby gifts ought to be acknowledged personally. 

I agree on weddings and grad gifts. I wish new moms didn't have the added pressure of thank you notes, especially prompt ones.

[Brittany1116]

2 hours ago, Farrar said:

I was cut out of someone's life when I didn't write a thank you note for a very small baby gift that arrived after my kids were born and I was struggling through having twins. So basically anyone who has rules about thank you notes... I'm sorry, but screw it. Get over yourselves. Give when you want to give, be kind. Manners are not helpful for relationships.

This is an issue beyond a thank you note. That is an extreme reaction and that person obviously has some other issue. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. 

 

Sending thank you notes is important to me and I am teaching my young boys to write them. With few exceptions, it's not hard to write 3 sentences and sign your name.

[Forget-Me-Not]

9 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

I agree on weddings and grad gifts. I wish new moms didn't have the added pressure of thank you notes, especially prompt ones.

That’s fair. I was thinking more like baby shower gifts when she has time to finish thank yous pre-baby. I forget that people give you a bunch of stuff right when the baby arrives too (been a while lol) 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that heartfelt thank you’s can come in various forms. If I get a sincere thank you by phone or in person, it is just as nice as one in text (whether that text be sent in a card or electronically in some way. 
 

While a quick turn around is nice for thank you’s, I thought that there was a whole year in which to respond to some if those bigger occasions. I would think that it was a very unusual person who couldn’t space out a response within the year- especially if they really did feel gratitude. 
 

I felt genuine gratitude at people’s thoughtfulness even in times of grief and overwhelm. I am not “getting “ that feeling from some people. And yes, they are dropped from my gift list but not my “interacting “ list. 

[HSmomof2]

19 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I think that heartfelt thank you’s can come in various forms. If I get a sincere thank you by phone or in person, it is just as nice as one in text (whether that text be sent in a card or electronically in some way. 
 

While a quick turn around is nice for thank you’s, I thought that there was a whole year in which to respond to some if those bigger occasions. I would think that it was a very unusual person who couldn’t space out a response within the year- especially if they really did feel gratitude. 
 

I felt genuine gratitude at people’s thoughtfulness even in times of grief and overwhelm. I am not “getting “ that feeling from some people. And yes, they are dropped from my gift list but not my “interacting “ list. 

I agree…..I would not consider ending a relationship over a thank you note, and fully understand there can be extenuating circumstances that prevent someone from sending one. I’m also perfectly fine getting a verbal, email, text thank you….especially if the gift was sent to the person. Just the acknowledgment it was received is nice to know. 

[Jaybee]

I appreciate a thank you, especially when the gift was mailed and I don't know if it was received. I don't want a card after a funeral--seems too much to put on a grieving relative. Any form is fine to me. And yet and yet and yet...I have a graduate here who I am pretty sure has only sent out a fraction of thank you cards, even though I provided cards and stamps. Bugs me, but most the gifts were cash, and I have no idea who or how much. So I should be embarrassed, but I did say more than once to keep a list and make sure thank you notes were sent, so 🤷‍♀️

[Farrar]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Ok so now I can see both sides of this! 

I was strident in my post, but I can too in a certain way. I do feel touched by the personal thank you's I've gotten in my life.

1 hour ago, Brittany1116 said:

This is an issue beyond a thank you note. That is an extreme reaction and that person obviously has some other issue. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. 

 

Sending thank you notes is important to me and I am teaching my young boys to write them. With few exceptions, it's not hard to write 3 sentences and sign your name.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing at all. And obviously the family in question had some issues. So I might be better off without them (though I was deeply, deeply hurt at the time, not to mention deeply shocked by their sudden vitriol toward me -- they called off a family vacation over my potential presence and invitation, which was how it came to light that they were furious with me over all this). But... many of the sentiments in this thread just make me uncomfortable. Manners often become sources of great judgment and dislike and end up trumping the value of grace and understanding. I think that's an especially dangerous thing in a world where we're so fractured already and also more mobile along a variety of cultural and geographic lines than ever before. We don't all have the same understandings of manners or the same traditions and the social institutions that used to impart those ideas are rapidly fading. So any time a question of manners arises, I tend to feel very cautious about people saying how it "should" be - even when I agree.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Genuine question-  what would warrant a card after a funeral?  Attendance?  A card in reply to a card?  Flowers or plants?  Or some other specific kindness?  I didn’t send cards for anything other than actual gifts of plants, flowers and people reaching out to do things for me. And that meant about three cards per funeral because most people just sent a card and/or attended. 

[Clarita]

I'm one of those awful people who didn't write thank you cards for her wedding gifts. I don't think they are stuffy or unnecessary (I think the gifts are, but it's people's love language and I respect that). I had every intention of writing thank you cards. However my dad died 1 month before my wedding date. So immediately after my wedding and honeymoon I was handling all of the nitty gritty details of telling a bunch of establishments my dad is deceased. Then months of my mom deciding what she wanted to do with her life and where she was going to live, moving out everything from my childhood home to prepare for selling it, then helping my mom move to a new apartment, then finally across the Pacific Ocean.  

Seriously I didn't really open and enjoy my wedding presents for 6 months to a year. By that time it was hard to know who gave what, not everyone went by the registry even if they bought things from the registry. 2 years later I just decided not to bother because by that time I'm sure the people who aren't ever going to speak to me again over a thank you note has already cut me off.

No, not everyone who attended my wedding stuff knows or knew my dad passed away. We didn't announce it at the wedding, because culturally and emotionally for my mom and I we wouldn't do that.  In fact someone was in a tiff over me not sending a thank you card. She talked to me about it 5 years later and yes she did not know any of the things that happened.

 

[Clarita]

9 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Genuine question-  what would warrant a card after a funeral?  Attendance?  A card in reply to a card?  Flowers or plants?  Or some other specific kindness?  I didn’t send cards for anything other than actual gifts of plants, flowers and people reaching out to do things for me. And that meant about three cards per funeral because most people just sent a card and/or attended. 

If people expect that after a funeral, I think they are the ones being rude for the expectation.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just now, Clarita said:

If people expect that after a funeral, I think they are the ones being rude for the expectation.

I didn’t send them thank you’s because they expected it. I sent them because I was grateful for their thoughtfulness. And I wanted them to know it. 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Brittany1116 said:

This is an issue beyond a thank you note. That is an extreme reaction and that person obviously has some other issue. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. 

 

Sending thank you notes is important to me and I am teaching my young boys to write them. With few exceptions, it's not hard to write 3 sentences and sign your name.

I will say that for those with executive function issues it really IS hard!  You have to remember to do it at a time when you can find a card, or remember to order cards, or if you have them remember where you put them, then figure out if you have stamps and where they are, not be able to find them, try to remember to actually buy stamps, then once you get the stamps remember where you put the card you wrote, then remember to put it in the mail. I know to normal people all that seems simple. But as someone that has had a fully made out thank you card sit in my purse for MONTHS because I kept forgetting about it, etc, it really is hard. It's a LOT of moving parts. 

What works for me best now is to pay a bit more and use postable. I can make out the card and send it without having to physically keep track of anything, and although it is not handwritten you can pick from various fonts that look handwritten. (I have dysgraphia so better than my handwriting anyway!). And I keep all my addresses in the postable address book. 

If you have neurodivergent loved ones that struggle with this, tell them about postable! 

I also with close relatives tend to just send a message or email, or phone call. 

[marbel]

19 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Genuine question-  what would warrant a card after a funeral?  Attendance?  A card in reply to a card?  Flowers or plants?  Or some other specific kindness?  I didn’t send cards for anything other than actual gifts of plants, flowers and people reaching out to do things for me. And that meant about three cards per funeral because most people just sent a card and/or attended. 

After my mom's funeral I sent thank-yous for plants/flowers, and in some cases for letters, specifically I am thinking of some long-lost cousins who wrote really sweet letters to me about my mom. They were all much older than me, and we had not been in touch at all; I was surprised they actually reached out to me and their letters were so touching. So I wrote back thanking them for sharing their memories of my mother with me. 

I don't think it would be necessary though. I wouldn't expect a reply if I had written a letter.  

I honestly don't know what cultural/societal expectation there is, if any, for thank-yous after a funeral. Oh, I guess I'd send one to whomever helped with any arrangements, such as "church ladies" helping with a post-funeral lunch or something like that. 

[happi duck]

Around here funeral thank yous are common.  When planning a funeral choosing cards is part of planning.  At the end, the funeral director hands you a bag with the guest book, flowers cards, sympathy cards and the thank you notes.

I have planned waaay too many funerals and for me sitting down to send the cards is a nice time to reflect.  I find that time and connection soothing.

I wouldn't be angry if I didn't receive one though.

[Kassia]

19 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Around here funeral thank yous are common.  When planning a funeral choosing cards is part of planning.  At the end, the funeral director hands you a bag with the guest book, flowers cards, sympathy cards and the thank you notes.

 

Same here.  Funeral thank yous are very common.  I always forget to tell someone that no thank you is needed (in this situation and others).  The last thing I want someone to do who is grieving is feel obligated to send me a thank you.  😞  I feel the same about a new baby - it's such an exhausting time.  If I send something, I'd just like to know that the person got it.  

Ds1's gf hates thank yous to the point where she'd rather not receive a gift at all.  It's really awkward.  I usually send a gift card for her bday because I can't not send her something but I feel like I'm just annoying her.  We give her gifts at Christmas so no thank you issues then.  Ds2's gf always sends a nice thank you by email  but it takes a while, which is fine.  Dd's ex would always send a sincere and sweet thank you right away.  I miss him...

 

[teachermom2834]

The funeral thank yous might have grown out of a usefulness to the grieving process in some cultures. I remember many years ago hearing how one older lady in the family made it her job to go around to widows and sit with them and work through the funeral thank yous. It sounded like a process that was a a ritual and served a purpose.

I remember as a kid being at the wake of a grandfather when the funeral home director came in and asked the widow a hundred questions about arrangements. Like where do you want this plant to go after the service? etc etc with what seemed like minute details. Someone commented that it seemed crazy the guy was bugging the widow with all that stuff. A family friend said he was close with a funeral director that explained that it is part of the process that helps alot of people and the director can usually tell if that is helping or not and follows the lead of the family. 

So maybe some of the funeral stuff comes out of an actual purpose to the person grieving. There should be no part of a funeral thank you that serves the giver. I made my funeral thank yous (like taking wine and a sweet thank you note to my girlfriends that carried me in the crazy month of my mom's sudden illness and death through her funeral). I needed to do that for my friends, they didn't need that from me one bit. 

 

 

[Kassia]

4 hours ago, Farrar said:

I was cut out of someone's life when I didn't write a thank you note for a very small baby gift that arrived after my kids were born and I was struggling through having twins. So basically anyone who has rules about thank you notes... I'm sorry, but screw it. Get over yourselves. Give when you want to give, be kind. Manners are not helpful for relationships.

That is so extreme that someone would go that far over a thank you.

My MIL (not a nice person) wanted to stop a check she sent to my niece for Christmas when she didn't receive a thank you and the check wasn't cashed in a timely fashion.  DH talked her out of it.  Who does that?  That would have been so awkward for everyone when my niece went to cash the check.  

Even though I wish people would at least acknowledge gifts, there's no way I'm going to do anything to ruin the relationship over it.  I just accept it and know what to expect going forward.  

When I had twins, I would write my thank yous while nursing.  I had each baby latched on the U-shaped pillow and had thank you cards/writing utensils set up on an end table.  I don't think I would have been able to take extra time to do it otherwise with two newborns and a preschooler.  

 

[Elizabeth86]

See here is the difference in my mind. People are talking AFTER new baby and funerals and such. I say you get a pass, but showers and such is basically a party asking for presents. That definitely is way different and I think personal thank you notes are necessary.

[busymama7]

I was VERY surprised to receive a thank you card when my nephew passed last year. He was disabled and it wasn't entirely a shock but still a very difficult time for the family, of course.   It was just basically thanking us for coming and supporting them. I have never received that kind of thank you note before and I really hope it was something that was helpful and not a burden for my sister in law.  I had no idea it was a thing.  When we lost our baby at birth we did not send thank you cards.  Again I didn't know anyone ever did that for any funeral.  I was not functional for months. Like barely able to get out of bed and my kids were basically feral.   I am so glad no one told me that I should be sending thank you cards and I really hope no one thought we were rude or anything.  So many people did so many nice things for us that we have never forgotten but it was just such a difficult time I was in no way able to do that.  

[Brittany1116]

1 hour ago, ktgrok said:

I will say that for those with executive function issues it really IS hard!  You have to remember to do it at a time when you can find a card, or remember to order cards, or if you have them remember where you put them, then figure out if you have stamps and where they are, not be able to find them, try to remember to actually buy stamps, then once you get the stamps remember where you put the card you wrote, then remember to put it in the mail. I know to normal people all that seems simple. But as someone that has had a fully made out thank you card sit in my purse for MONTHS because I kept forgetting about it, etc, it really is hard. It's a LOT of moving parts. 

What works for me best now is to pay a bit more and use postable. I can make out the card and send it without having to physically keep track of anything, and although it is not handwritten you can pick from various fonts that look handwritten. (I have dysgraphia so better than my handwriting anyway!). And I keep all my addresses in the postable address book. 

If you have neurodivergent loved ones that struggle with this, tell them about postable! 

I also with close relatives tend to just send a message or email, or phone call. 

Along with gifts sent after the birth of twins, that would fall under 'few exceptions'. I am glad you found something that works for you. Postable sounds like something useful for a variety of reasons. Shutterfly etc now offer similar services. 

 

[TechWife]

 I, too, would have expected a personal thank you note. I also have never heard of having a "display table" in lieu of opening gifts at a shower, but it sounds like that might be common in your area or in your family. I wonder what the thank you notes for wedding gifts will look like?

[LuvToRead]

Thank you's after a funeral are pretty common where I live.  Typically the family will have a place to leave a donation for a non-profit.  St Jude's, American Cancer Society, or even a local historical society.  Plus many families send flowers or bring food to the family.  The funeral home provides Thank You cards to the family and they generally have a pre-printed message.  I've never received, nor sent, a thank you for attending a funeral.

I know it may seem strange, but there is something about sending the thank you's that is consoling. Just going through the names of those so generous and kind can be very comforting.