Thank you notes should be personalized (JAWM)

[TechWife]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I didn’t send them thank you’s because they expected it. I sent them because I was grateful for their thoughtfulness. And I wanted them to know it. 

Exactly. This is the purpose of a thank you note in all circumstances.

[LuvToRead]

I never expect a thank you after a baby is born, but I admit I do kind of expect one after a bridal shower or wedding.  Especially when at the bridal shower the guests fill out their own addresses on the envelope.  But I'm never mad to not receive one!

I will add that it is nice when the happy couple actually prints their name along with the words "Thank you" on the photo card.  We received one with a picture of the couple an the words thank you and nothing else.  We didn't know the groom, but I had know the bride for years.  Well, for her wedding she had on a ton of make up (I am not judging!!) when she usually didn't wear much and I did not recognize her!  

Edited August 28, 2022 by LuvToRead

[catz]

5 hours ago, Kassia said:

 

Even though I wish people would at least acknowledge gifts, there's no way I'm going to do anything to ruin the relationship over it.  I just accept it and know what to expect going forward.  

This is how I feel about it.  I really appreciate acknowledgment of receipt.  I don't need a long wordy thank you.  A one sentance text or e-mail is great too.  If I'm sitting watching someone opening a gift, I don't expect anything (though I appreciate them after large showers in particular).  I don't expect anything from stuff sent for funerals.  I had PPD myself, I give a lot of grace for new moms. It makes my month if I get a photo of baby with something I sent!  

We regularly send out gifts to nieces and nephews and we always have to follow up if we want to know if it was recieved.  I'm glad most of them are growing out of gift exchange ages.  There is zero reason these teens and young adults could not shoot off a text after getting a check or gift card and say they got it.  I still make my kids do it.  And of course there can be extenuating circumstances in some people's lives.  

But being annoyed about something like this is a long stretch from saying or doing anything about it or chosing to end a relationship over it.  Many of us are annoyed regularly by small irritants.  From the newspaper in the street, to my garbage bin being set in front of my garage door, to idiots on my tail in traffic, to the long line at the grocery store.  That doesn't mean we lose manners or even do anything over it, but humans are imperfect.  I have yet to meet the human that is perfectly wonderful and gracious every waking moment.  Actually having been raised in a home where the females were always expected to roll over and get along and put up with anything, I appreciate some honesty and self awareness about our quirks and love languages.  Being irritated or hurt in a moment doesn't equate to holding a grudge forever for most of us.    

I will say, I am not a huge fan of the huge multiple showers, gifts for engagement parties, scene in some wedding circles these days.  I actually have declined shower invites when I didn't really know the person the shower was for.  I actually really like the idea of NOT opening gifts at a shower though, that is cool to me and could make the event much more fun and social.  But I'd still want to know the bride got hands my gift.  Things do walk off at events like this depending on where they are held, we had that happen at our wedding.  

I still regularly look at some stuff we got from our wedding and shower 20+ years ago and think of who gave those things! ❤️  My husband and I went to Asia for our honeymoon and got a bunch of postcards to use as thank you notes.  We actually had so much fun writing those out together.  We actually wrote most of them on our plane ride home.   I did send out some notes after my dad died too.  I know my mom did a bunch.  My mom LOVES to write and recieve personal notes.

Edited August 29, 2022 by catz

[TechWife]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Genuine question-  what would warrant a card after a funeral?  Attendance?  A card in reply to a card?  Flowers or plants?  Or some other specific kindness?  I didn’t send cards for anything other than actual gifts of plants, flowers and people reaching out to do things for me. And that meant about three cards per funeral because most people just sent a card and/or attended. 

We sent thank you notes for flowers & plants, meals and "in memory" donations that we were informed of. We did not send thank you's for attendance.

[HSmomof2]

Wow….I am so sorry that so many have experienced such meanness and loss of relationships over thank you notes. That is truly sad…..and the behavior of those people is far worse than someone not sending a thank you note, for whatever reason. I think a thank you (not even as formal as a mailed note) is appropriate for a gift, but cannot imagine getting so riled up about not getting one that I would cut a person off or treat them any differently at all. 😳

[Annie G]

1 hour ago, busymama7 said:

I was VERY surprised to receive a thank you card when my nephew passed last year. He was disabled and it wasn't entirely a shock but still a very difficult time for the family, of course.   It was just basically thanking us for coming and supporting them. I have never received that kind of thank you note before and I really hope it was something that was helpful and not a burden for my sister in law.  I had no idea it was a thing.  When we lost our baby at birth we did not send thank you cards.  Again I didn't know anyone ever did that for any funeral.  I was not functional for months. Like barely able to get out of bed and my kids were basically feral.   I am so glad no one told me that I should be sending thank you cards and I really hope no one thought we were rude or anything.  So many people did so many nice things for us that we have never forgotten but it was just such a difficult time I was in no way able to do that.  

For some people, writing the thank you notes helps them process their grief. For others it would just be an unnecessary burden. I don’t know anyone who expects a thank you after a funeral.  I never heard of it in the Midwest but here in the south it’s not unusual to send thank you notes for flowers or food brought after a death.  I’m sure nobody thought you were rude- don’t give it a second thought. 
 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Something I have noticed over the years:  most of the people who don’t acknowledge gifts and other kindnesses also don’t extend kindness to me. And while I can only speak for myself, I know from what others have said that I am not singled out.   This isn’t a “kids these days “ complaint. I have known people like this in all generations. They ask for gifts with registry’s (often strangely filled with expensive items out of our shared socioeconomic class) but don’t acknowledge the social realities of others unless they are a narrow band of friends. I end up not continuing to support them after a time because there is no general acknowledgment of the greater social network of extended friends and family. They seem to be users and I haven’t seen any evidence to contradict this. 
 

I value that greater social network of extended friends and family. I have had more than one person from that category end up on my doorstep even though I had never met them in person before. I think that that network can be a social safety net that isn’t just about gifts or “obligations “. It’s about being kind to people of all ages and personalities. 

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, Brittany1116 said:

Along with gifts sent after the birth of twins, that would fall under 'few exceptions'. I am glad you found something that works for you. Postable sounds like something useful for a variety of reasons. Shutterfly etc now offer similar services. 

 

Not sure if you meant when I couldn't figure out who gave which gift as falling under the "few exceptions" or if you meant neurodivergent people that struggle with the executive functions needed to send thank you cards. If the latter, it's actually quite a lot of people, more than most realize, because it SEEMS like such a simple thing. 

[Hyacinth]

7 hours ago, Farrar said:

I was cut out of someone's life when I didn't write a thank you note for a very small baby gift that arrived after my kids were born and I was struggling through having twins. So basically anyone who has rules about thank you notes... I'm sorry, but screw it. Get over yourselves. Give when you want to give, be kind. Manners are not helpful for 

I am sorry someone treated you so badly over something so trivial. I would never do that. I have no intention of cutting my niece out of my life. Jeesh. I don’t have “rules” about thank you notes. I have feelings. And they were hurt. That’s all.

Screw it? 
Get over yourselves? 
So much for JAWM, I guess.  

 

[Ellie]

Miss Manners would completely agree with you. She does not believe in supporting the Hi There Greeting Card Company, and absolutely never pre-printed "thank you" cards.

[SKL]

I agree.  Although the gifts were unwrapped, did people at least include a tag or card indicating whom they were from?  If not, it seems someone didn't think that through well enough.

I am far from Miss Manners, but I do force my kids to write personalized thank-you notes in certain circumstances.  Note to self:  make sure they know to do this for any big event that's basically about them.

My kids and I only receive thank-you cards from one family (my sister and her kids).  My girls recently attended a sweet-16 type party and got no thank-you card (I didn't even think about that until now).  There have been no close family/friend weddings or baby showers since my kids were babies.  So I could see them not knowing the proper etiquette unless I tell them or they think to ask.

The last baby shower I attended, the mom asked everyone to address the envelope for their own thank-you card, and then the cards that were sent out were completely generic.  I thought that was unimpressive, but when I mentioned it on here, some people thought it was quite reasonable.  So maybe rules have changed.

(ETA I would never retaliate or comment to the other person regarding such things.  That doesn't mean I don't have brief silent thoughts about it.)

Edited August 29, 2022 by SKL

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

 

The last baby shower I attended, the mom asked everyone to address the envelope for their own thank-you card, and then the cards that were sent out were completely generic.  I thought that was unimpressive, but when I mentioned it on here, some people thought it was quite reasonable.  So maybe rules have changed.

(ETA I would never retaliate or comment to the other person regarding such things.  That doesn't mean I don't have brief silent thoughts about it.)

Huh, I think the having guests address them is fantastic - but agree that not having them personalized on the inside would be annoying. Basically, if the only point is to check the box of "i sent a thank you" but there is nothing in it that the writer did, then what IS the point? It's a waste of paper. 

So I think half of that is a smart idea, lol. 

[Frances]

On 8/28/2022 at 1:27 PM, Jean in Newcastle said:

Genuine question-  what would warrant a card after a funeral?  Attendance?  A card in reply to a card?  Flowers or plants?  Or some other specific kindness?  I didn’t send cards for anything other than actual gifts of plants, flowers and people reaching out to do things for me. And that meant about three cards per funeral because most people just sent a card and/or attended. 

In my Midwest hometown, thank you after funerals would be sent for flowers, memorial gifts, food, or any other significant kindness, but not just attendance or a card. After my dad’s death, my mom, siblings, and I wrote several hundred thank you notes over the course of a week.

Edited August 29, 2022 by Frances

[knitgrl]

We went to a wedding, gave a gift and got a generic thank you for attending the wedding, no mention of the gift. Or the personal note and recipe enclosed with said waffle maker. 🤷‍♀️