Part 2, fighting my son’s battles

[Amy in NH]

I voted for eat chocolate, but I also think you could:

A. Type out the letter, so that you've gotten it out of your head, print & burn it,

OR

B. Shout & scream what you want to say to them into an envelope, and then mail them the empty envelope.

[ktgrok]

Mean people suck. But writing them a letter won't make them suddenly become reasonable people. Or less mean. Or any other good outcome. 

They were over the line.

But, you writing them a letter is also over the line, by quite a bit. 

[vonfirmath]

Note, if you send the letter -- it may not even be read if they realize it is from you. So they may never get the message that "they are hurtful people" because they don't read it in the first place. Just check who it is from and then throw in the trash.  Even if they open it up because you don't indicate on the outside it is from you, they might start to read it and trash when they realize where it comes from.  So the best thing to do is to write it for yourself and then let it go.

 

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I rarely wade into these types of threads, but I just want to add my 2c.  

I can completely understand going all mamabear. Our instinct is to protect our own.

But I really really really think you should NOT send a letter to the parents.

How's your son doing? Is he as riled up as you? If so, I can further understand your mamabear instincts. But put those instincts into comforting him and helping him move forward. 

@Quill I hope you find peace with this situation soon 🌼

[elegantlion]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

SKL, I think it is cruel to reject a person without giving them any information or route to understanding what the issue is. Like Indigo said upthread about the strange family who ghosted her. It causes the person - unless they are just brimming with confidence - to question their worth. Why am I not good enough? Am I so terrible I should never be around their daughter? That’s what I find cruel. It is worse, IMO, from just hearing, a gf say, “Oh, I like someone else now. Sorry, bye.” The parents coming down like a hammer really does bother me. But whatever. Clearly not everyone gets it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

When ds was about 12, he had this happen with neighborhood kids. They had played together for 4-5 years then suddenly he wasn't welcome at their house. I did ask, they would not tell me what happened. Ds had no clue, nothing really had happened. I really think it was a tiff my ex-dh had with their dad, but whatever, it hurt ds. It was the one time in his life that I've seen ds really cry. We were getting ready to move so there was no resolution to the issue and it has colored ds' friendships since then. 

I really did curiously want to know if there was a cultural issue at play that "I" didn't understand or if ds had done something wrong. I really think the mom felt put on the spot when I asked. 

Write the letter - I call these my Lincoln letters since I think Pres. Lincoln did the same thing - but don't send it. I will never send them, but I will feel better. I will be able to wrap my head around what the issue is, and maybe here it's just the not knowing. 

If you're feeling spite-y and writer-y, write them into a story and exact your resolution there. 

I also wouldn't send the letter because of your ds. Maybe this is a fairy tale and she'll escape her overbearing parents and want to spend the rest of her life with ds. Maybe it's just the first step in a completely different adventure for your ds. Either way, I wouldn't want evidence in their hands to make you look like the bad guy. 

I get the anger, I do. 

[Guest]

13 minutes ago, Amy in NH said:

I voted for eat chocolate, but I also think you could:

A. Type out the letter, so that you've gotten it out of your head, print & burn it,

OR

B. Shout & scream what you want to say to them into an envelope, and then mail them the empty envelope.

That made me lol. 
 

Chocolate is always a worthy strategy, too. 

[Ceilingfan]

If you send the letter, and they realize you work for a law firm they've had some dealing with, and think you've gotten their address there, you will lose your job. It's profoundly unethical. I'd be really quite angry if my lawyer's secretary acquired and used my home address for personal purposes; at the very least I'd fire the lawyer, and I might contact the bar.

Do not do that. I can't believe you've even considered it. Your attorney's client database is not a source of power for you; that's the opposite of the way it works.

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry you and your DS are hurting. Big hugs.

I vote NO on the letter for a few reasons. In no particular order:

1) The manner in which you collected their contact information is a huge moral and ethical violation.

2) It gives them physical ammo to use if they were to want to gossip and spread rumors about you, your DS, and your family.

3) At your DS's age, it is only your job to support and advise him in navigating relationships and difficult situations, not to intervene.

4) Chocolate is always the answer.

5) They are allowed to say "No". It is a complete sentence.

I did not see your original post, as it had already been deleted, but I did read the ensuing conversation. From what I can gather in the context clues in the two threads, these people were not really directly and intentionally hurtful in that they did not cut your son down verbally and emotionally, or try to make his life difficult by telling his boss or teachers unkind and hurtful things to ruin his reputation or anything like that. For that reason, your own reaction seems, to me, to be an overreaction and the work on that is an internal matter, not something that can be solved with external actions. If I do not understand the whole story correctly, and they did go out of their way to make your son look bad to others, I would vote differently.

I am in camp work through your feelings, either by journaling, punching a pillow, going to the batting cages and taking out your anger on the balls with the bat, speaking with a therapist, or any other means that does not involve the other family in any way. Then letting go, and moving on.

My wish for you is joy. I hope you are able to get to place of gratitude and relief that your son has dodged a bullet, every time you think about the situation and the girl.

 

[Tanaqui]

I missed the first post, but I think I have enough context here to say that you are fixating to a thoroughly unhealthy degree.

Being upset at the way these people are treating their daughter and, by extension, your son? Understandable.

Still being *that* upset several days later, and seriously contemplating sending them a letter (regardless of how you got their contact information, which is a whole new can of worms)? Not so understandable.

Sending them a letter is not going to make you feel better, and it's not going to make them feel bad and realize they need to change their ways. It could cause legal and/or employment consequences for you, even if you stop at one letter - and, honestly, Quill, if I got a letter like that in the mail I'd be seriously worried that the person sending it might not stop at one letter.

You need to let this go. If you think that writing a letter in your journal and never mailing it will help you stop thinking about this - fine, do that. Writing here on the chat board hasn't helped, but maybe in your journal it'll be different. But if it doesn't help, it may be time to speak to a professional about your feelings, because you deserve not to be running in circles being upset over this. Maybe these parents acted in an awful way, but they shouldn't be taking up this much of your energy.

[Guest]

If you send the letter, and they realize you work for a law firm they've had some dealing with,

No, that’s not how I have their info. It’s just a subscription service for finding contact information for people. I could get contact information for almost anybody if I have a bit of existing info. It’s not a violation of ethics. But it’s not the best use of the information either. 

[Tanaqui]

Upon reflection, I want to add that you're not even the injured party. Your son might have call to complain about these people, although I wouldn't advise him to send a letter either, but you're even a few steps removed from that.

This makes the fact that you're still dwelling on the subject even more worrying. This sort of reaction from your son, who is both the injured party and also a teenager, is inappropriate but not wholly unexpected.  It would be understandable for his emotions to be running high, and for him to think that a letter is a mature response rather than an inappropriate one. For him to float that idea, but not follow through, would be within expected behavior for his age group, especially as, again, he's the one who was broken up with by parental fiat.

This reaction from his mother is not the sort of thing we expect to see.

[Lisa]

I would write it but not send it. I have done this in some circumstances. It helps me get it out and off my chest, but not send it as it might cause more harm than good and/or not change the outcome and/or it wasn't really my battle to begin with.

[Clarita]

Team don't send the letter. I think all the above comments addressed all the reasons why you shouldn't send any letters.

Gently what your don needs right now is not you going on a tirade against this girl's parents. What he needs is for you to instill confidence in him. He needs you to tell him this break up is not the end of his life. To tell him there are other girls out there whose parents would be thrilled that he is the one their little girl is seeing. 

This is coming from someone who wasn't good enough to be people's son's friend (not even girlfriend). 

[Ausmumof3]

I know someone who sends letters when they get upset. Trust me, you don’t want to be that person. It is never well received and people talk and roll their eyes about it now.

There’s two problems here. One is the hurt to your son and the other is the potentially abusive environment the girl is in. Writing a letter won’t help him or have any very good outcome (it may even make him angry with you and less inclined to share in future) and it’s very unlikely to help her if she’s in an abusive situation.

My DH is big on saying difficult things face to face, never via text email or letter. Or if face to face is impossible, a phone call. I’m not sure if he’s right or not but it probably is a better way to deal with stuff. 

[Tree Frog]

2 hours ago, elegantlion said:

When ds was about 12, he had this happen with neighborhood kids. They had played together for 4-5 years then suddenly he wasn't welcome at their house. I did ask, they would not tell me what happened. Ds had no clue, nothing really had happened. I really think it was a tiff my ex-dh had with their dad, but whatever, it hurt ds. It was the one time in his life that I've seen ds really cry. We were getting ready to move so there was no resolution to the issue and it has colored ds' friendships since then

We also dealt with this issue but dd was 8. We lived in Canada for 3 years and dd made a friend very quickly. They were inseparable for almost 3 years. We and they knew we would be moving in the summer and dd's friend's mom cut everything off sometime in the late spring. The girls couldn't get together, couldn't talk on the phone, no contact at all. Dd was already feeling sad about all the goodbyes, but to not have the opportunity to say goodbye to her best friend of 2 and a half years was devastating. Nearly 20 years later, she still remembers those strong feelings. We both have wondered what happened.

I also wanted to send the mom a letter or call and ask what happened. I don't think I could have been civil, though. I did see her before we moved when she dropped her dd off at a mutual friend's birthday party a couple of months after she cut everything off and it was all I could do to be barely civil. When it hurts our kids, it hurts us, too.

[Melissa Louise]

You can't ethically use these people's contact info, obtained at work, for a personal matter. It is very common, over multiple fields, that this would not only be unethical but could get you into serious trouble at work. 

Write the letter for yourself. 

Do NOT send it. 

If you can't let it go after that, book a few appts with a counsellor to talk it over. 

The initial mama bear feeling is normal. The ongoing rumination is less than helpful. 

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I forget the specific details that went down, so this could be irrelevant BUT, as the mom of older teen girls, I’ve always told them they could use me to get out of situations they didn’t know how to handle. I’d wonder if that was a factor.

Regardless, focus on reminding your son of his genuine worth. What that family thinks of him, you, whoever, doesn’t matter in reality. Not every match is going to be right, which doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault.

Go ahead and hate them; I might in your shoes, lol. But they mean nothing in the big picture. Your anger won’t help your son, though. 

[Melissa Louise]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

If you send the letter, and they realize you work for a law firm they've had some dealing with,

No, that’s not how I have their info. It’s just a subscription service for finding contact information for people. I could get contact information for almost anybody if I have a bit of existing info. It’s not a violation of ethics. But it’s not the best use of the information either. 

If you have access to the subscription service through your workplace, it absolutely is unethical to use the service for personal reasons. 

[Danae]

Quill, would it help to separate “my son is/is not a good match for their daughter” from “my son is/is not a good person”?  They’ve decided and acted on the first one, but you seem to be taking it as if they think the second one, and wanting to correct them.

I have friends from a wide variety of religious traditions.  Some of them adore my children and yet would never support a romantic relationship between their children and mine.  It’s not an insult.  
 

Edit:  And yes, the way they went about it was not ideal.  But there really is no good way to break up with someone.  

Edited April 4, 2022 by Danae

[Guest]

Quill, would it help to separate “my son is/is not a good match for their daughter” from “my son is/is not a good person”?  They’ve decided and acted on the first one, but you seem to be taking it as if they think the second one, and wanting to correct them.

 

Yes, that does help, but the painful part of it was that my son *did* interpret it the second way. He did interpret it as an assessment of himself personally. That’s what was so hurtful to witness. I do think he is beginning to realize that; that it’s just one set of parents who have their own issues, whatever they may be. But seeing him crying, which he rarely does, saying he is not good enough for the one girl he really liked (of course, I realize this is the drama of the moment and he will realize there are lots of fish in the sea, but it doesn’t feel that way right now) broke my heart. Of course. 

[wintermom]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

Quill, would it help to separate “my son is/is not a good match for their daughter” from “my son is/is not a good person”?  They’ve decided and acted on the first one, but you seem to be taking it as if they think the second one, and wanting to correct them.

 

Yes, that does help, but the painful part of it was that my son *did* interpret it the second way. He did interpret it as an assessment of himself personally. That’s what was so hurtful to witness. I do think he is beginning to realize that; that it’s just one set of parents who have their own issues, whatever they may be. But seeing him crying, which he rarely does, saying he is not good enough for the one girl he really liked (of course, I realize this is the drama of the moment and he will realize there are lots of fish in the sea, but it doesn’t feel that way right now) broke my heart. Of course. 

You do realise, that as sad as your ds feels now, and as hard as this is right now, this is a learning opportunity for him and for you. Walk through this with the dignity you deserve to have, and teach your ds to do the same. You are both very worthwhile and wonderful people. Teach your son how to deal with the pain he's feeling now in a positive way. Teach him how to move forward and see the good choices he can make to build a good life for himself. 

I know full well that this is not easy to experience, or to see your babies hurting. Teach him to be strong and to get through these kinds of situations - and remind yourself, too, how to make the good and tough choices in behaviour that will not make this worse than it needs to be. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

If you have access to the subscription service through your workplace, it absolutely is unethical to use the service for personal reasons. 

Anybody can have it, though. It’s not a special service for lawyers. Lots of people use it to check out someone they want to date or use as a contractor or whatever. You’re not permitted to use it for a tenant, an applicant to credit you provide or a anything that goes against the Fair Credit Reporting act. But you can use it to find out where to send someone a summons or a legal letter, so really, I don’t see what would be any different about using it to send them my own letter (though I have decided not to). It’s just giving you more complete public information - names, aliases, email addresses, phone numbers, and, if you care to look, public legal records, public land records, memberships in organizations, educational background. Anybody can get that info on anyone. They could get it on me if they wanted to. 

[Lecka]

My husband went to a “courtship model” church and I think they enjoyed making young men feel like garbage.  
 

They are lords of their little fiefdom and get to pick on anybody they want, that they would never get to do in any other facet of life.

 

This is my honest opinion of my husband’s teenage church, I am sad to say.  
 

Edit:  the ironic thing is many (not all) people only liked the parts of church where they got to act like jerks to other people.  
 

I can understand this being a huge issue because it really hurt my husband and gave him a really negative view of churches, that impacts us to this day.  It is really a sad thing.  
 

Edit:  I would also say — it could be something as shallow as someone in the church hierarchy taking an interest, and the parents can’t pass up the chance to maybe have their own social status move up, if they are this kind of shallow, stuck-in-middle-school kind of people.  
 

I wish I never had exposure to people like this but I have.

 

I hope there is nothing like this with OP’s situation and it’s more run-of-the-mill, normal type of stuff.  
 

I think a regular person would feel sadness or regret or think “that’s unfortunate.”  
 

But some people would feel gleeful they could hurt a young man because that is the kind of person they are.  

Edited April 5, 2022 by Lecka

[Ting Tang]

I missed the first post.  I gather this was a dating relationship.  I am sorry your son is hurting and that you are, too, as a result.  I agree with others that it might be best to keep your thoughts to yourself. 

Someday, maybe soon, or maybe later... Your son will meet his perfect match, and the family will adore him and welcome him.  Hindsight is 20/20, and that song "God bless the broken road...that led me to you" was written for a reason.  There is a better and greater plan for him.  If I were you, I would invest my energy into him and not this other family.  They don't seem worth it to me.  

ETA-   I am very modern about dating. Dating apps, used safely, are a great resource. 

 

 

Edited April 5, 2022 by Ting Tang

[Melissa Louise]

17 minutes ago, Quill said:

 But you can use it to find out where to send someone a summons or a legal letter, so really, I don’t see what would be any different about using it to send them my own letter (though I have decided not to). 

I'm glad you decided not to send the letter. 

I think using a database to send a summons and using it to send an angry letter to your son's ex girlfriend's parents are very different things. 

However, if the database is publicly  available to all, and you accessed it on your on time at home, that does seem somewhat less egregious. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I didn't read the first post.

Assuming this 17 year old girl lives with her parents and the son knows where the girl lives, the address is on the property and easily accessible. I mean, we all have our house numbers posted on our houses or mailboxes on a street with a street sign, right? I could drive around my neighborhood looking at which house a neighbor who introduced themselves to me walking their dog went into and then I could mail them anything I want. I figured out where the pastor of the church I'm visiting lives because his vehicle is unusual and he mentioned hosting the local community garden on his property. I saw the community garden sign as I drove by and saw the vehicle parked there. I could send him mail if I wanted to.

There's no way a letter will "clear the air" or change anything.  No one willing to put up with the reaction of their 17 year old daughter after a forced break up for religious reasons is going to suddenly come around to your way of thinking because you sent them a letter that called them unchristian.  And I agree that it is theoretically possible the girl used her parents as an excuse to get out of a situation because she doesn't have the maturity to handle it better. Not likely, but possible.

One really important skill in life is understanding when something is personal and when it isn't. If this is a legalistic, over-bearing, religious family, then I agree it's not about your son as an individual, it's about your son as a member of the whole "outsider" group. All other outsider males, regardless of good character,  will get the exact same treatment while she's dependent on them. We all know how that works.

So this isn't about you.  It sucks terribly for you, no doubt. But taking it as hard as you have seems to me to be something worth exploring with a licensed counselor. All of us have sore spots that can be triggered from past wounds and trauma.  Every normal, healthy parent is heartbroken on behalf of their hurting child.  Not everyone is this upset to this degree for this long when it happens.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Quill, would it help to separate “my son is/is not a good match for their daughter” from “my son is/is not a good person”?  They’ve decided and acted on the first one, but you seem to be taking it as if they think the second one, and wanting to correct them.

 

Yes, that does help, but the painful part of it was that my son *did* interpret it the second way. He did interpret it as an assessment of himself personally. That’s what was so hurtful to witness. I do think he is beginning to realize that; that it’s just one set of parents who have their own issues, whatever they may be. But seeing him crying, which he rarely does, saying he is not good enough for the one girl he really liked (of course, I realize this is the drama of the moment and he will realize there are lots of fish in the sea, but it doesn’t feel that way right now) broke my heart. Of course. 

This is where an adult mom needs to step up to the plate and help him understand the difference between the two.  Not go after the other parents, but work with your son.  Now he lives under your roof and you can help him learn this.  five years from now - he'll be at college and you won't be there to remind him the girl didn't work out because they weren't a good fit - not because he's not worthwhile.

One thing I talked with my son about when a relationship ended. yeah, it hurts right now - BUT -  There's someone that is a *better match* for him out there.

Edited April 5, 2022 by gardenmom5

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, Lecka said:

My husband went to a “courtship model” church and I think they enjoyed making young men feel like garbage.  
 

They are lords of their little fiefdom and get to pick on anybody they want, that they would never get to do in any other facet of life.

 

This is my honest opinion of my husband’s teenage church, I am sad to say.  
 

Edit:  the ironic thing is many (not all) people only liked the parts of church where they got to act like jerks to other people.  
 

I can understand this being a huge issue because it really hurt my husband and gave him a really negative view of churches, that impacts us to this day.  It is really a sad thing.  
 

Edit:  I would also say — it could be something as shallow as someone in the church hierarchy taking an interest, and the parents can’t pass up the chance to maybe have their own social status move up, if they are this kind of shallow, stuck-in-middle-school kind of people.  
 

I wish I never had exposure to people like this but I have.

 

I hope there is nothing like this with OP’s situation and it’s more run-of-the-mill, normal type of stuff.  
 

I think a regular person would feel sadness or regret or think “that’s unfortunate.”  
 

But some people would feel gleeful they could hurt a young man because that is the kind of person they are.  

My son was getting interested in a girl as a teenager. Her mother asked to “interview “ me. I thought it weird but agreed to speak with her. I nicely explained that no, I wasn’t interested in monitoring their every interaction. Their culture/values didn’t match ours. Ds and I rolled our eyes and moved on. I don’t have to understand every culture out there but I respect their right to do things their way. Of course we have the right to do the same. Some relationships just aren’t a good fit. 

[Lecka]

I didn’t meet my husband until he was out of this environment for 5 years, and his commitment to standing up for people he thinks are being treated poorly is one of my favorite things about him.  
 

His situation was really past “people are free to do what they want” and into abuse, which is too bad but it is the truth.  
 

I don’t think it is common, but it exists.  

[Rosie_0801]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

Quill, would it help to separate “my son is/is not a good match for their daughter” from “my son is/is not a good person”?  They’ve decided and acted on the first one, but you seem to be taking it as if they think the second one, and wanting to correct them.

Yes, that does help, but the painful part of it was that my son *did* interpret it the second way. He did interpret it as an assessment of himself personally. 

Perhaps Mark Manson's very sweary but useful article would help.

[Jean in Newcastle]

53 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I didn’t meet my husband until he was out of this environment for 5 years, and his commitment to standing up for people he thinks are being treated poorly is one of my favorite things about him.  
 

His situation was really past “people are free to do what they want” and into abuse, which is too bad but it is the truth.  
 

I don’t think it is common, but it exists.  

I know that it exists. But no one can identify the extent someone is on the spectrum of legalism from a few comments. And while we can watch out for ourselves, we can’t do more for others other than to warn them. To bring this back to the OP’s situation, I would see this as a step towards seeing what values/family culture etc are a good match and what are deal breakers. That’s part of dating - or at least it was for me. 

[katilac]

So, okay, you are forcibly evicted from Crazy Town with no reason given. You don't storm back into the city limits because . . . it's Crazy Town! If you think they're unreasonable and all the things, do not be the person who stokes the currently banked fire. 

12 hours ago, Quill said:

SKL, I think it is cruel to reject a person without giving them any information or route to understanding what the issue is. 

I 100% disagree, particularly with romantic relationships. In the teen years, I always told my girls to not give specific reasons for breaking up with someone, bc that so often leads to them wanting to disagree with those reasons and sometimes ask for a chance to change. And you're not owed an explanation for why someone no longer wants to date you, any more than you're owed an explanation for why they don't want to date you in the first place. If a person says they don't want to go out with you anymore, you can ask for a reason if you want, but you're not owed a reason. If they like someone else, that's their business, they don't owe you that information as some kind of tax for breaking up with you. 

In Indigo's situation, it would certainly have been polite for them to shoot her a quick text saying don't call us, we'll call you, but also? It was one dinner. I can't imagine wondering about it for very long, or thinking that it reflected on my worth as a person. I would just conclude that they really did not enjoy having dinner with us, lol. Fair enough, because there are a lot of people in the world I don't enjoy having dinner with, but I hardly like to tell them that. 

Sometimes the reason people decide not to spend more time with you is because, well, they didn't enjoy the time they already spent with you, and that's a difficult thing to say. I had a mom acquaintance who pushed to know why I always declined her invitations, but I don't think she actually wanted to hear that I really just didn't like her very much. Not a bad person at all, just not someone I want to hang around with. I could have gone with something like "I just don't feel like we're clicking" but that sounds like what you say to someone who wants to date you, and also we saw each other at small events all the time and I was not up for that level of awkward. I didn't ghost her, but I also did not give her specific reasons for not hanging out. 

Quill, it's hard and I'm sorry. Lots of us with teens and young adults have had to watch bad breakups, and watching them get hurt is just incredibly hard, but this just isn't a problem you can solve. 

[Guest]

7 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

This is where an adult mom needs to step up to the plate and help him understand the difference between the two

I did do that, of course, but as we all know, you can’t simply refute what your kid internalized and have them magically realize the truth of your words. 

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Perhaps Mark Manson's very sweary but useful article would help.

I adored this article so much. I may even give it to my son.

[Carrie12345]

10 minutes ago, Quill said:

I did do that, of course, but as we all know, you can’t simply refute what your kid internalized and have them magically realize the truth of your words. 

No, but time and consistency can help.
A letter to the other parents doesn’t help his hurt.

He will likely have one or more relationships end after this one.  It’s a great time to demonstrate that it isn’t okay to chase people down and try to change their minds, make them feel bad, “own” the pain involved, owe us communication, or anything else.  I’m confident you don’t want him being a young 20-something forcing conversation and explanation on other young 20-somethings. And that you’re not going to want to be doing that on his behalf.

Just mom him. ♥️

[Idalou]

Of course it is unethical to get their address from your job. But just in case people are not aware, if you know a person's first and last name and city it is incredibly easy to find the address online for free. In about 3 steps. If you don't know their city, it can take a bit longer while you search the state. If you know the spouse's name or family member names then that makes it one step shorter. You will also find the places they have lived previously in the past decade or two. If you pay a subscription fee you can find information such as license plates, phone numbers, possible arrest records. It is frightening in the ease and scope of what is out there.

[madteaparty]

I don’t think they owe an explanation over a weeks long relationship, and I think in any event the explanation was given “it’s not working”. Second, by sending them a letter you would be proving them right. 

[ktgrok]

If the problem is they didn't give a reason, so he thinks they think he's a bad person, how would it help for them to write back with specifics? Then he just has specific reasons they think he is a bad person - that's not really better. And keeps him thinking about it longer. And that's BEST case, where they suddenly become reasonable people and actually respond. 

Plus, I can't imagine he wants you interfering like that. Plus it's weird. 

[wintermom]

I just saw this meme and thought of this thread immediately.

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

I did do that, of course, but as we all know, you can’t simply refute what your kid internalized and have them magically realize the truth of your words. 

This is when "mom" needs to refuse to do things that reinforce that self-view.  Writing a letter and sending it to them . . . reinforces that misperception.

Edited April 5, 2022 by gardenmom5

[Doodlebug]

Seeing my son cry in a similar situation would undo me.  I’m sorry he has been hurt.

WRT ghosting, it does all you described.  And, that hurt does a deep work.  I suspect your son will emerge from this as a young man who will not burn others in this way.

Emotionally, it can also do some work.  It hurts and that is no joke.  But in several weeks/months, your son is going to realize he is okay.  His perspective can shift to the “it wasn’t ME.  It would’ve been any boy outside their circle.  It was THEM.”   And this is where his heart starts to recognize that the hurt he experienced is largely dictated by how much room we give others in our head when these conflicts arise.

I’ve had disproportionate reactions and can tell you I think you are having one when it comes to potentially writing a letter.  Your son’s hurt… your personal background… oof.  Take a big deep breath.  These are big emotions and it may serve as an invitation for you to explore your own hurt — btdt!  

 

[KeriJ]

To clarify, my reason for writing a letter would be for my own sake. Mom to mom. Is there something my son did that I am not aware of? I am fully on board with letting a relationship go. I just think it was abrupt enough to possibly warrant an explanation. 

[Katy]

The thing is you already know the answer to this. Their reason for thinking that he's not good enough is because he (and you!) won't submit to religious manipulation and abuse. They want their daughter to be with someone who will submit so they can control both of them in an unhealthy way.  You know that. You knew that before the parents cut him off in such a rude way.

Consider it a gift.  The last thing you want DS tangled up in is a bunch of religious narcissists. Seriously, even if exGF seems sweet, there's a very high probability that somewhere in her parenting journey either she'll have narcissistic traits too or she'll spend a lot of time in therapy trying to do the work of healing all that trauma.

Also, maybe journal about what the trauma of religious manipulation and abuse has done to you.  Maybe work on shining some light on that trauma so it can heal old but still festering wounds. I'm under the impression there was a lot of "live this way and you'll be blessed by God and nothing bad can ever happen to you" sort of spin on the so very American prosperity gospel theology.  People with personality disorders love evangelical churches IME.  Without required education, oversight, and licensed therapists they can basically spin religion into anything they want it to be, no matter how much it harms everyone around.

[katilac]

7 hours ago, Idalou said:

Of course it is unethical to get their address from your job. But just in case people are not aware, if you know a person's first and last name and city it is incredibly easy to find the address online for free.  

And yet still stalker-ish in this situation 😄

[gardenmom5]

25 minutes ago, Katy said:

  I'm under the impression there was a lot of "live this way and you'll be blessed by God and nothing bad can ever happen to you" sort of spin on the so very American prosperity gospel theology.  People with personality disorders love evangelical churches IME.  Without required education, oversight, and licensed therapists they can basically spin religion into anything they want it to be, no matter how much it harms everyone around.

Which came first - the chicken or the egg?  

[Katy]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Which came first - the chicken or the egg?  

I’m sure personality disorders are older than evangelicalism, if that’s what you’re asking. 

[She Travels]

On 4/4/2022 at 10:39 AM, Quill said:

SKL, I think it is cruel to reject a person without giving them any information or route to understanding what the issue is. Like Indigo said upthread about the strange family who ghosted her. It causes the person - unless they are just brimming with confidence - to question their worth. Why am I not good enough? Am I so terrible I should never be around their daughter? That’s what I find cruel. It is worse, IMO, from just hearing, a gf say, “Oh, I like someone else now. Sorry, bye.” The parents coming down like a hammer really does bother me. But whatever. Clearly not everyone gets it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I absolutely agree with you on this! 🙌

[readinmom]

Write the letter, put it in a drawer for a few days, then have a celebratory burning of it.   You'll feel better...

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

This thread was resurrected by someone trying to get Quill's goat. . .   nothing to see here. . .

[Catwoman]

26 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

This thread was resurrected by someone trying to get Quill's goat. . .   nothing to see here. . .

Yes, I’m reporting it. This person seems to be intent on harassing @Quill and quite honestly, it’s getting creepy.