Give perspective on this trans issue I'm dealing with. Religious and secular wanted.

[HS Mom in NC]

The big question: Is announcing this to my extended relatives my job even if asked to so? I don't think it is, but I'm willing to consider otherwise.
The underlying question: Why is or isn't it my job? I'm trying to identify and apply the universal principles related to these issues.

The situation: A couple of weeks ago my son-in-law (26) sent a text on our family text group on his and my daughter's (24) behalf announcing he would be starting hormone replacement therapy to transition to a woman the following day. He said he's comfortable keeping his male name and male pronouns and has no issue with people continuing to use them, but he prefers female pronouns and a female name.  That text group includes them and me, my husband, my 3 daughters (26, 24,16) and my 2 sons-in-law. Every one of us responded individually in neutral or positive terms.  I texted daughter the daughter married to him privately and asked if she would like to come over for dinner me and my husband the next day alone.  Our motive for that was to give her room to speak more freely in case she wanted to. She replied she would prefer both of them come.  We were fine with that and invited them both. 

My response:  I told them at dinner we both loved them very much and want to support them.  My husband did the same. Everyone in my family (immediate and extended)  is well aware I'm a devout, theologically conservative Christian (the only Christian in my family of spouse, daughters, sons-in-law) who tries to apply the Bible to my life.  They know I don't agree with transitioning on religious grounds, but I have 0 expectation that people who don't profess to be followers of Jesus and who don't believe the Bible is God's word are expected to apply my religious standards to themselves. In other words, it's up to me to live out my faith as I think the Bible and Holy Spirit tell me, not my job to tell unbelievers what the Bible teaches on those matters if they didn't explicitly ask me about it or if we're not part of a conversation about religious/personal views on sexuality. They didn't ask.

He specifically stated in the conversation at dinner that he's aware transitioning takes time and that he still looks, sounds, and dresses as a male, and because he's comfortable with using his male name and male pronouns at this time, people are free to continue using them with him, so I have been using them.  If he ever states he only wants his female name and pronouns used, I'll do so without any negativity at all. I think the highest principle from the Christian and the social/civil angles is: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (Matthew 7:12) I would want people to call me what I introduce myself as (my name) how I refer to myself (in the feminine that matches my physical body) so I should do the same even if they choose names and pronouns differently than I would. Note*** He's a Simon Cowell type. He has no problem speaking up and making his thoughts and preferences known.  At all. Ever.  I love that about him.

I responded I planned to day nothing about this to my extended relatives who I planned on seeing the following week in AZ because I didn't want my relatives, particularly mother (narcissistic tendencies, not NPD, and fundamentalist/legalist Christian) and my overly dramatic mother and father-in-law bothering them with phone calls, and I didn't want any of them to pressure me to do/say anything to them about it as the only Christian in their immediate family.  He and daughter said they would prefer I did announce it because they're going back to AZ at Thanksgiving for a friend's wedding and it would give relatives time to process it before seeing them for Thanksgiving Day. (Not an insane thing to do.) Their plan is any uncivil behavior in a phone call will result in, "I'm not going to let you talk to me like that" and then hanging up. Any bad behavior directed at them in person will result in them leaving immediately. I fully endorse that approach.

My inner conflict: I said a general "OK" to that not really thinking it through. I went back to PHX last week and didn't bring it up, even though I could have, but felt deep inner conflict about it.  When asked how those two were doing, I gave generic work, hobby, servitude to pet cats chit chat.  I didn't bring it up and now I'm sorting out why.

Inner Conflict Questions about my motivations: Am I just avoiding it because I'm generally low on bandwidth right now due to perimenopausal stuff along with my other adult daughter's mental/physical health issues, and my youngest teen's standard issue teen issues? Those are definitely a factor. 8 days with 3 branches of the family I don't enjoy was incredibly draining apart from thinking about addressing these issues in addition.

Inner Conflict Questions about my role: Or is it honestly because I don't think announcing identity issues and major life events of other adults are my place to do, even when asked by those who are having them? I think this is one of those situations where it's not my story to tell or my announcement to make.  Am I wrong? If so, what am I missing as to why it could be/is?

I can still do this over the phone if I decide I should, so it's not a moot point. I haven't seen son-in-law and daughter since I got back yesterday.  I just want feedback on the principles in play and other thoughts from others so I can clarify what I should do and why and be able to explain it.

[maize]

I think it is their role to announce.

How do you think they would respond if you told them that after thinking about it you don't feel like it is your place to share their news with the extended family?

[Katy]

You said you love them and want to support them.  Giving them a bit of a buffer by making this announcement yourself IS support and love.

You feel conflicted because you lied when you were asked directly about it and lying is more against your morals that the situation.  It was a forgivable lie, who wants to ruin a vacation with a blow up about that? But now it's time to do what you said and let the extended family know.  I think it's not the conversation I would have with anyone but the most liberal types of grandparents by text or email.  I would call.

[elegantlion]

IMO, it's not your story to tell, especially to relatives that may be antagonistic toward this decision. 

Another consideration is that if you are still processing your own feelings, you don't need to get into a situation where your Christianity is being questioned just because you're supportive of your son-in-law's transition. 

 

[Melissa Louise]

No, it's not up to you to deal with sharing the info. Your SIL is old enough and confident enough to do that for himself if he wants extended family to know. 

It is ok not to take this on. 

 

 

[Anne]

I don't see how this is your announcement to make, no matter how conflicted (or not) you are.  

Anne

[Eos]

I love reading your process.  Thank you for sharing it.

My family has a phrase we use in similar situations: "not my story to tell" or, in the positive tense: "that's their story to tell."  It's both respectful to the person whose story it rightfully is as well as a conversation ender if anyone is mad at you for not divulging.

I see Elegantlion has used this same phrase while I've been typing.

Edited March 30, 2022 by Eos

[Eos]

Adding that in plenty of situations I've agreed to speak for younger children in situations where they ask me to and there's a power differential or some other barrier to their ability to speak - but 24 and 26 are past that.  Support, hand-holding, even coaching/role-playing, yes, but telling, no.

Edited March 30, 2022 by Eos

[Arcadia]

I am agnostic. On one hand, it is not your story to tell. On the other hand, they ask you to do the favor. If it was me, I would ask my husband if he is willing to do the favor, tell them that I am unable to do so, and at the same time tell them whether your husband can do so. 

[Danae]

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong on whether you’re the one to share the news with extended family. But I don’t think “my place” is the right frame.  They’ve asked you to to pass on the news, so it would be perfectly fine to do so.  What’s it’s not is your responsibility, so if you don’t want to that is also okay.  

[Melissa Louise]

Actually, because everyone knows where I stand on this anyway, and I have zero care about that, I'm gonna say it. I'm angry on your behalf that SIL delegated this to you without considering that you, too, in this situation, deserve time to process, and that you are not a convenient short cut to 'smooth the way' with others. 

Save your energy for supporting DD. 

[Katy]

I realize I'm the only person who thinks you should be the one to tell them, but I think there's an analogy there about that saying that you should only complain about your husband to his mother, never to your own mother.  Because his mother will forgive him and yours never will.

If you're the one to tell them and hear the inevitable poor reaction, maybe they will be more gentle when it's time to see them at Thanksgiving.  You'll forgive them for the temporary outburst.  They never will.

[Loowit]

I think it is unfair of them to put that off onto you.  It is not your announcement to make and I feel like they are putting you in a tough position by asking you to do it.  I think it would be fair to tell them that you have thought it over and have decided you really don't want to take that on afterall.

[Amethyst]

You are handling this remarkably well. It sounds like you are trying to be very kind, and I applaud that. Transitioning is never easy or the same for anyone. So kindness is the first order of business, for believers or non-believers. 
 

I understand the “it’s their story to tell”, but in real life, sometimes it becomes your story too. I think of my own large family. My children aren’t close to all of their extended family. I’ll use an unplanned pregnancy as an example. If one of my children had an unplanned pregnancy, yes, it would be “their story to tell”, but I wouldn’t expect my child to call every single aunt and uncle. Nor would I expect them to show up at a family gathering very pregnant and I had never said a word. At a certain point, it would become my story to tell also. Same for you. At some point, this becomes your story too. Your dd and sil are going through something now. You are trying to be supportive. So, this is your story now too. I don’t know what the dynamics in your family are, but there might be a reason it would be better coming from you. 
 

Texting makes it easier. They did. It gives people time to process before responding. It might be the easiest way for you too

[Melissa Louise]

SIL can text. 

I'm sorry, but why is this his MILs responsibility in any way? 

The universal principle is that adults deal with their own stuff, unless particularly vulnerable. 

They should just wait till closer to the trip, and then he can send them a heads up or not as he wants to play it. 

I'd feel differently if your dd spoke to you privately and asked you to support her in sharing HER news, which is that her husband is transitioning. In that case, you could help her think through the best way for her to share with family. 

Edited March 30, 2022 by Melissa Louise

[HS Mom in NC]

43 minutes ago, Katy said:

You said you love them and want to support them.  Giving them a bit of a buffer by making this announcement yourself IS support and love.

You feel conflicted because you lied when you were asked directly about it and lying is more against your morals that the situation.  It was a forgivable lie, who wants to ruin a vacation with a blow up about that? But now it's time to do what you said and let the extended family know.  I think it's not the conversation I would have with anyone but the most liberal types of grandparents by text or email.  I would call.

No, I felt conflicted before I lied, as you label it.  That's why I decided not to announce, because of the inner conflict, so I want to resolve that first before proceeding.

Edited March 30, 2022 by HS Mom in NC

[Dianthus]

My first reaction is that they should make their own announcements and deal with the results, not put it on you. 

[freesia]

What I hear is that they expressed a preference, not asked you to. I would just tell them that it didn’t work out for you to bring it up and you’d rather they do it. It’s ok to not cushion the way for them. It’s ok to cushion the way. But you get a choice bc it really is their responsibility. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I don’t think you lied.

But I would suggest calling dD and letting her know that you are uncomfortable being responsible for passing on this news and decommitting from doing so.

[Catwoman]

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to send some supportive hugs and prayers your way.

I'm sure this is not easy for you and your family, because I'm assuming you had no clue until your SIL and DD told you he was transitioning from male to female, so please give yourself a lot of grace if you're not comfortable telling others about it yet. It makes perfect sense that you and your immediate family would need some time to process it first, before sharing the information with anyone else. Also, Thanksgiving is still many months away, so informing the relatives in AZ isn't an immediate need.

Also, have you been able to speak with your dd privately yet, to make sure she is really ok with this? I'm sure she did not expect anything like this when she married her dh, and I would think she must be having some conflicting emotions even if she is planning to accept his new gender and remain married to him. Personally, I wouldn't be concerned at all about the relatives in AZ, but I would be extremely concerned about your dd's well-being, and that would be my only focus right now.

Edited March 30, 2022 by Catwoman

[Tanaqui]

I think it's okay to give yourself a little more time to process this. This is new for you!

Once you have, it's okay to call them and say "No, sorry, I'm not telling our toxic and/or melodramatic relatives about this".

I understand why they asked you to do it, and I sympathize with them greatly, but this isn't a little ask. If these relatives weren't likely to react badly, they'd do it themselves - and it's your daughter and her spouse's job to do this, not yours.

With that said, one way or another you're going to have to come up with your own exit script for when these relatives start badgering you. You might not inform them of this yourself, but they'll still try to drag you into it.

[KSera]

1 hour ago, maize said:

I think it is their role to announce.

How do you think they would respond if you told them that after thinking about it you don't feel like it is your place to share their news with the extended family?

I agree with this. It would be different if they were much younger, but at this age and in the family dynamic as you explain it, this seems appropriate for them to do if you don't want to be the one to do so. I know what it is to be juggling multiple young adult issues all at the same time, and it's understandable to not have the bandwidth to also juggle judgmental phone calls and pestering from your family about this on top of everything else. Given the person in question is not changing presentation at this point and is fine with name and pronouns both ways, it may not even be appropriate timing to share the news this early anyway.

[Pam in CT]

It's not your story to tell. Even if they'd like to delegate the telling for one reason or another, it's still not your story to tell. 

To me it doesn't actually matter WHY you changed your mind, and you certainly don't need to convey any reason.

All you need to convey is "upon consideration, I'm not going to act as messenger, love you to bits forever, HS Mom in NC." 

(And only that because otherwise they may well think the news has been conveyed when it hasn't been.)

Boundaries. 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Tanaqui said:

I think it's okay to give yourself a little more time to process this. This is new for you!

Once you have, it's okay to call them and say "No, sorry, I'm not telling our toxic and/or melodramatic relatives about this".

I understand why they asked you to do it, and I sympathize with them greatly, but this isn't a little ask. If these relatives weren't likely to react badly, they'd do it themselves - and it's your daughter and her spouse's job to do this, not yours.

With that said, one way or another you're going to have to come up with your own exit script for when these relatives start badgering you. You might not inform them of this yourself, but they'll still try to drag you into it.

That's so true! No matter who tells them, the first person they're going to call is HSMom, so she should prepare for the drama (or prepare to not answer the phone!)

[El...]

I'll add a personal experience. When I got engaged, my dad called all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles of their generation so they could all hopeful plan to come to our wedding.  I'm sure he asked me if he could make the calls, and I was happy to have him do that. 

He was the one who heard the moments of silence as some of them found out I was marrying a black man. He protected them, by giving them an opportunity to pull up their socks and rise to the occasion.  He protected my feelings, too, because I didn't have to be disappointed in them. (I was a pretty sheltered idealist. I would have been very hurt.)

They all were nice to us in the long run. He told me about it later, as we talked about racial issues. It didn't sting like it would have at the time. 

I think, since they asked, you should make the calls. You can be a buffer. You should probably have think through how the calls might go, and have a plan for getting off the phone if folks want to gossip about it more than you'd like.

 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I think you agreed to share with family thinking you could do so, and then chose not to. You need to decide whether you want to do that still via phonecall or whether you would like to punt it back to SIL/DIL to take care of. I think it is ok to do either, but to be forthcoming about your choice. 

I do agree with Melissa’s point that SIL’s asking you to disclose is also SIL pushing that emotional work onto you. That would be true whether the issue was a terminal diagnosis, a divorce, a cross country move away from all family, or anything else heavy and personal. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by prairiewindmomma

[Pam in CT]

re buffering

1 minute ago, elroisees said:

I'll add a personal experience. When I got engaged, my dad called all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles of their generation so they could all hopeful plan to come to our wedding.  I'm sure he asked me if he could make the calls, and I was happy to have him do that. 

He was the one who heard the moments of silence as some of them found out I was marrying a black man. He protected them, by giving them an opportunity to pull up their socks and rise to the occasion.  He protected my feelings, too, because I didn't have to be disappointed in them. (I was a pretty sheltered idealist. I would have been very hurt.)

They all were nice to us in the long run. He told me about it later, as we talked about racial issues. It didn't sting like it would have at the time. 

I think, since they asked, you should make the calls. You can be a buffer. You should probably have think through how the calls might go, and have a plan for getting off the phone if folks want to gossip about it more than you'd like.

 

This is a valuable perspective. I can see how it enabled a space for processing.

And space to process is important for smooth (ish) family relations. It's pretty common for the initial response out the gate to not be the best, and ultimate, response. I can see the argument for buffering.

 

I do think there is a big difference between his asking you if you wanted him to be the buffer; vs your asking him to be the buffer.  In the former, everyone involved has agency. In the latter, the ask-er is putting the buffer-er on the spot.

[KSera]

6 minutes ago, elroisees said:

I think, since they asked, you should make the calls. You can be a buffer. You should probably have think through how the calls might go, and have a plan for getting off the phone if folks want to gossip about it more than you'd like.

Under the situation, if OP decided to be a buffer for them like this, I would wholeheartedly encourage text or email. She is not required to listen to everyone else’s feedback about it, and it gives people the chance to process and perhaps respond better than they might on the spot. But I certainly would not put myself in the position of having phone calls with people about this. 

[catz]

I think it is fine that they said they would prefer prefer to announce it.  And I think it's fine to say you're still processing and a seque to bring it up comfortably never came so you didn't for now.  I think it's hard to take on other's FEELINGS when you're still processing your own on a change like this.  I'm sure the couple have been working and processing this for some time now themselves before announcing it to those they are close to.  And I question the need or wisdom of telling every far flung family member this early in the process.  I think it is fine if you think they should announce the change, it may go better than way and you may get less backlash.  Or if you decide later to help them this way and it makes sense, that is great too.  Not everything needs to be immediately clear what the right path forward is.

I have a daughter that came out earlier in covid and I haven't really told anyone.  She hasn't asked me to, it is her story, experimenting with sexual identity isn't uncommon in teens here, and she hasn't really dated.  I don't feel like extended family needs to know everything as it's happening unless you're unusually tightly knit or something.  And I am 100% fine with it, I did need to process a little on the front end. (ETA - to be clear she IDs as lesbian though it's not like I hear her labeling a lot.  She definitely IDs strongly as female, so it's not like she has a new look or name or anything).

I do definitely feel differently about this situation than if we were talking about a young tween/teen deciding to transition.  They are adults and they sound secure in their path.  I would totally endorse their path forward too, but I think they (or you) can announce in that same light with a "this is informational but not up for discussion or negativity" tone.

 

Edited March 30, 2022 by catz

[Catwoman]

Ok, I have been going back and forth about whether or not to post this, and I know I will probably be flamed for it, but here goes...

@HS Mom in NC, are you 100% sure your dd is okay with remaining married to a person who is changing his gender from male to female? 

I would be extremely concerned that my child was feeling social pressure to be accepting of what your SIL is doing, and because she loves him as a human being, she may feel extremely guilty about expressing her doubts and fears about her future life with SIL. I mean, she might be fine with it, but she also might not, and she might not know how to extricate herself from the situation.

Her entire life is changing, and unless she has seen this coming for a very long time, it is a massive shock for her, and she may need some time away from SIL in order to gain perspective on what she is really signing on for. If I were you, I would try to arrange for at least a weekend away for just the two of you, so you can talk this out with her and make sure she isn't being pressured or influenced by others to remain in the marriage if she is secretly having second thoughts. 

I hope this doesn't come across as being anti-trans. I'm not. But this is a different situation than if your dd had met an already-transitioned woman and fallen in love with her. If your dd is a straight woman, will she truly be happy in a romantic relationship with another woman? Because if SIL is already starting hormone therapy, this is an extremely important consideration. If your dd is sure she will be happy, that's great, but if she's not sure, I would want her to know that I would support her if she decided to leave SIL and remain friends instead of spouses.

[Danae]

5 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

I do think there is a big difference between his asking you if you wanted him to be the buffer; vs your asking him to be the buffer.  In the former, everyone involved has agency. In the latter, the ask-er is putting the buffer-er on the spot.

But they didn’t ask.  OP announced that her plan was to say nothing to extended family and framed that as a benefit to DD and SIL.  They replied that actually they’d prefer if she did tell.  OP can choose not to be the messenger, but DD and SIL are not wrong to reject the framing that she’s doing them a favor by refraining.  

[Pam in CT]

2 minutes ago, Danae said:

But they didn’t ask.  OP announced that her plan was to say nothing to extended family and framed that as a benefit to DD and SIL.  They replied that actually they’d prefer if she did tell.  OP can choose not to be the messenger, but DD and SIL are not wrong to reject the framing that she’s doing them a favor by refraining.  

I understand that's the OP case; was replying to @elroisees ' case. 

In OP's case, I would decline to serve as buffer because -- unlike elroisees' father, who volunteered -- OP is not comfortable with the role that's being asked of her. 

[ShepCarlin]

First, I think you are just awesome. From what you said in the original post, you are so wonderful to accept this news even though it does not align with your personal beliefs. Exactly the way a Christian should react in my opinion. The "Do unto others..." is something I wish more people would remember. You are being a wonderful, loving mother in law! For background, I was raised Catholic but am more of an agnostic at the moment. I don't impose my beliefs on anyone nor question theirs. To each his own. Faith is an intensely personal journey.

To answer your question, I think it is their news to tell, not yours. Based on what you said about extended family, it would be much easier for it to come straight from the horse's mouth. That way there is no misunderstanding...it sounds like they are prepared and ready with answers and you just received this news. That is a lot for anyone to process, even when you are supportive of it. 

[Brittany1116]

Not your job. That you are a loving Christian mother who plans to support a choice doesn't make it more your job. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

I feel strongly that an adult who wants to make this kind of a transition needs to handle to conversations themselves and not put the emotional work of that on another adult. Are some people going to have awful reactions? Yes. It’s not your job to cushion or buffer that. Part of making adult decisions is facing what others will have to say about it, positive or negative. 
 

BTW, OP, I’m so grateful for your very thoughtful and detailed explanation of your thought process and reaction. I’ve got someone in my life facing questions about who they are, and your post just really sort of helped me put some of my own reactions and feelings into words. 💙

[Katy]

53 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Ok, I have been going back and forth about whether or not to post this, and I know I will probably be flamed for it, but here goes...

@HS Mom in NC, are you 100% sure your dd is okay with remaining married to a person who is changing his gender from male to female? 

I would be extremely concerned that my child was feeling social pressure to be accepting of what your SIL is doing, and because she loves him as a human being, she may feel extremely guilty about expressing her doubts and fears about her future life with SIL. I mean, she might be fine with it, but she also might not, and she might not know how to extricate herself from the situation.

Her entire life is changing, and unless she has seen this coming for a very long time, it is a massive shock for her, and she may need some time away from SIL in order to gain perspective on what she is really signing on for. If I were you, I would try to arrange for at least a weekend away for just the two of you, so you can talk this out with her and make sure she isn't being pressured or influenced by others to remain in the marriage if she is secretly having second thoughts. 

I hope this doesn't come across as being anti-trans. I'm not. But this is a different situation than if your dd had met an already-transitioned woman and fallen in love with her. If your dd is a straight woman, will she truly be happy in a romantic relationship with another woman? Because if SIL is already starting hormone therapy, this is an extremely important consideration. If your dd is sure she will be happy, that's great, but if she's not sure, I would want her to know that I would support her if she decided to leave SIL and remain friends instead of spouses.

I totally agree with you. I’m not certain I would be the person that DD would like to do that processing with though. I would encourage her to get therapy where she would hopefully feel free to say anything she wants without the burden or expectation of support. Where she is okay to feel the probable sense of betrayal and loss. 

[Catwoman]

10 minutes ago, Katy said:

I totally agree with you. I’m not certain I would be the person that DD would like to do that processing with though. I would encourage her to get therapy where she would hopefully feel free to say anything she wants without the burden or expectation of support. Where she is okay to feel the probable sense of betrayal and loss. 

I agree — if I was her mom and she wasn’t comfortable talking to me about it, I would absolutely strongly suggest that she get therapy — actually, I would probably suggest the therapy either way.

Unless she has known about her dh being trans all along, and she’s sure she will still be attracted to her dh as he physically transitions to being a woman, this must be a huge shock for her and I would want her to have a chance to process it fully so she can make the best decisions for herself.

And one thing we haven’t even mentioned yet is that, as far as I know, if SIL is going through hormone therapy, that will affect his fertility. That is a huge consideration to keep in mind if HS Mom’s dd has been planning on her dh fathering her children. 

Edited March 30, 2022 by Catwoman

[melmichigan]

32 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I agree — if I was her mom and she wasn’t comfortable talking to me about it, I would absolutely strongly suggest that she get therapy — actually, I would probably suggest the therapy either way.

Unless she has known about her dh being trans all along, and she’s sure she will still be attracted to her dh as he physically transitions to being a woman, this must be a huge shock for her and I would want her to have a chance to process it fully so she can make the best decisions for herself.

And one thing we haven’t even mentioned yet is that, as far as I know, if SIL is going through hormone therapy, that will affect his fertility. That is a huge consideration to keep in mind if HS Mom’s dd has been planning on her dh fathering her children. 

Depending on the physician, realize that therapy may already have been required.  There was a lengthy therapy process required for my chid to begin to transition, and it would have included separate individual and group therapy for a significant other or spouse. Therapy was then ongoing for the first 1-2 years of hormone replacement to help with the changes. Fertility is a lengthy discussion as well that would have required a spouse to sign forms before therapy would have started.

Edited March 30, 2022 by melmichigan

[KSera]

39 minutes ago, melmichigan said:

Depending on the physician, realize that therapy may already have been required.  There was a lengthy therapy process required for my chid to begin to transition, and it would have included separate individual and group therapy for a significant other or spouse. Therapy was then ongoing for the first 1-2 years of hormone replacement to help with the changes. Fertility is a lengthy discussion as well that would have required a spouse to sign forms before therapy would have started.

As you say, that’s highly variable. That wasn’t the case for mine at all. Hopefully OP’s dd and sil are in an area that takes better care of people in these circumstances. (Although, there are also online services that will prescribe hormones and write surgery letters as long as you pay them a monthly fee to be your prescriber.)

[kristin0713]

I agree that it is not your story to tell—unless you truly *want* to be part of telling it. I can fully understand saying ok in the moment when they said, yes, please share the news! and then feeling like you couldn’t/didn’t want to. I also agree that you should check in with your DD privately if you haven’t already. Has your SIL ever come across as manipulative? I’m only asking because your DD declined to come over alone. Which may be 100% an effort to be a supportive spouse, totally. But it also could be a red flag of her being controlled and manipulated. 

[HS Mom in NC]

3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

 

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 I would absolutely strongly suggest that she get therapy — actually, I would probably suggest the therapy either way.

Unless she has known about her dh being trans all along, and she’s sure she will still be attracted to her dh as he physically transitions to being a woman, this must be a huge shock for her and I would want her to have a chance to process it fully so she can make the best decisions for herself.

And one thing we haven’t even mentioned yet is that, as far as I know, if SIL is going through hormone therapy, that will affect his fertility.

Daughter has described herself as "half gay anyway" so I think she probably really doesn't bother her.  I can't say 100% for sure, this daughter is on the spectrum and not one prone to discussing personal things much, but I can't think of any time she's every said something was one way and then later said she'd been pressured to say so when it wasn't really true. She's always had a strong sense of self and we've said since she was a little kid that she's an "old soul" type person-a much more adult demeanor from a remarkably young age.

They're both been in counseling for other personal issues before this. so as far as I know they still are.  I can ask next time I see them.

He has a genetic immune disorder he found out about shortly after they were engaged.  His doctor told him to track down his bio-father (who he had never met) to see if he had it too.  Oh yeah, he had it.  He had been paralyzed for a few years because of its effect on this nervous system. He's not currently paralyzed.  It usually presents around age 30+, but SIL started having other symptoms at age 22. So bio kids has been off the table since then, and even before then neither of them ever wanted kids, so we thought it was another reason they were a good match.

[HS Mom in NC]

8 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

Has your SIL ever come across as manipulative? I’m only asking because your DD declined to come over alone. Which may be 100% an effort to be a supportive spouse, totally. But it also could be a red flag of her being controlled and manipulated. 

No, but there's no harm in keeping an eye out.

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, KSera said:

As you say, that’s highly variable. That wasn’t the case for mine at all. Hopefully OP’s dd and sil are in an area that takes better care of people in these circumstances. (Although, there are also online services that will prescribe hormones and write surgery letters as long as you pay them a monthly fee to be your prescriber.)

There was no questioning him at all, he said they just gave him the prescription after the regular, standard issues medical screening questions.

[Tap]

If they suspect a difficult conversation, they should just text the family themselves. Let them know that while you have their permission to tell, the conversation will likely get gossipy and you don’t want to be put in the position of answering questions you are not qualified to answer.

one unsolicited bit of advice with your daughter. This is not only changing his pronouns and such…. It will also change how the world will interact with your daughter. She may now be seen as a lesbian and that can be difficult for the person to get used to. While it sounds like you are being very loving and kind to your sil,always remember that this can change your daughter’s identity in unexpected ways as well❤️❤️❤️
 

My female to male, transgender nephew had a partner who struggled with this. Partner was heterosexual male but started dating my nephew when my nephew was androgynous (nephew had girl bits- so the sexual relationship was still heterosexual) As my nephew started looking more masculine, the partner had struggles with the idea of people thinking he was gay. 

[DawnM]

I have yet to find a situation where the spouse stays.   I am not saying it can't or doesn't happen, just that every situation I have known personally has not worked out.   Your daughter will probably need a lot of support and letting her know that she can trust you now would go a long way in that.   

 

[Catwoman]

38 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

There was no questioning him at all, he said they just gave him the prescription after the regular, standard issues medical screening questions.

Ok, I think that’s pretty terrible. The doctor sounds irresponsible and incompetent.

I would be extremely concerned about both his and your dd’s mental health. This doesn’t seem like something they should be handling on their own, without professional help.

[Catwoman]

43 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

 

Daughter has described herself as "half gay anyway" so I think she probably really doesn't bother her.  I can't say 100% for sure, this daughter is on the spectrum and not one prone to discussing personal things much, but I can't think of any time she's every said something was one way and then later said she'd been pressured to say so when it wasn't really true. She's always had a strong sense of self and we've said since she was a little kid that she's an "old soul" type person-a much more adult demeanor from a remarkably young age.

They're both been in counseling for other personal issues before this. so as far as I know they still are.  I can ask next time I see them.

He has a genetic immune disorder he found out about shortly after they were engaged.  His doctor told him to track down his bio-father (who he had never met) to see if he had it too.  Oh yeah, he had it.  He had been paralyzed for a few years because of its effect on this nervous system. He's not currently paralyzed.  It usually presents around age 30+, but SIL started having other symptoms at age 22. So bio kids has been off the table since then, and even before then neither of them ever wanted kids, so we thought it was another reason they were a good match.

Ok, wait. So your dd married a spouse who may become paralyzed at any time, and now she has to also deal with his transition from male to female? I don’t care how strong a sense of self she has; this is a tremendous amount of emotional and psychological stress for anyone to have to deal with!

If she doesn’t like to discuss personal things with you, I can’t help but wonder if she is being open and honest with both your SIL and her therapist— and I also hope she has a therapist with extensive specialized training.

I am worried about your dd.  😞 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

36 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I have yet to find a situation where the spouse stays.   I am not saying it can't or doesn't happen, just that every situation I have known personally has not worked out.   Your daughter will probably need a lot of support and letting her know that she can trust you now would go a long way in that.   

 

I know of one—but they are only a year into transition.  There’s other issues going on, but I expect there will either be a divorce or a detransition at some point.  The transgender person in the relationship also accessed hormones without any questioning from the doctor or therapy, and in this particular case, therapy is really warranted first.

I also think that if you are uncomfortable, you should not feel pressured to be the one who tells the rest of the family. It is not your responsibility and it isn’t unkind to refuse to do things that you feel uncomfortable about.  You can be loving and hold boundaries.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

The logical part of me agrees with the majority, that it shouldn't be your responsibility to be the news sharer.

BUT, if this was me in your situation, I'd do it if asked to. I'd view it as taking one thing off their very full plate.

I would suggest we come up with some wording together, and maybe write letters or emails, which could be from them, but just with my help brainstorming.

But if one my daughters specifically asked me to please just handle it, I would. Adults can help adults. 

I wish all of you all the best.

[HS Mom in NC]

24 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Ok, wait. So your dd married a spouse who may become paralyzed at any time, and now she has to also deal with his transition from male to female? I don’t care how strong a sense of self she has; this is a tremendous amount of emotional and psychological stress for anyone to have to deal with!

If she doesn’t like to discuss personal things with you, I can’t help but wonder if she is being open and honest with both your SIL and her therapist— and I also hope she has a therapist with extensive specialized training.

I am worried about your dd.  😞 

Yes it's a lot for anyone.  We've always encouraged out kids to see a licensed therapist if they ever felt like they needed to.  I haven't asked if she's still seeing someone like I know she was about a year ago, so I'll confirm with her when I see her again.