Give perspective on this trans issue I'm dealing with. Religious and secular wanted.

[HS Mom in NC]

6 hours ago, maize said:

I think it is their role to announce.

How do you think they would respond if you told them that after thinking about it you don't feel like it is your place to share their news with the extended family?

I think they would be OK with it, but I can't say for sure; this is new territory for us.

[melmichigan]

2 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Yes it's a lot for anyone.  We've always encouraged out kids to see a licensed therapist if they ever felt like they needed to.  I haven't asked if she's still seeing someone like I know she was about a year ago, so I'll confirm with her when I see her again.

Seeing someone for general therapy and someone to deal with gender identity can be very different things.  We were given a list of providers that the hospital worked with.  A six month minimum of therapy was required before hormones could be initiated, and the therapist had to sign off on that.  I would encourage your daughter to find someone experienced in the community to help them through this transition.

[HS Mom in NC]

Just now, melmichigan said:

Seeing someone for general therapy and someone to deal with gender identity can be very different things.  We were given a list of providers that the hospital worked with.  A six month minimum of therapy was required before hormones could be initiated, and the therapist had to sign off on that.  I would encourage your daughter to find someone experienced in the community to help them through this transition.

I'll talk to her about that. Thank you.

[Melissa Louise]

If DD wants support, I'd encourage her to look for someone who is not 'in the community' but who is experienced in psychotherapy.

She doesn't need 'educating', she likely needs a space to process freely. 

She has a lot on her plate. 

 

[Melissa Louise]

Re exit strategy for conversations you don't want to have with extended family when/if it becomes an issue, I find vague but clear redirection helpful. 

"What in earth is going on with SIL and this gender thing" says your mom.

"Hmm. Not sure about that (vague). You'll have to talk to dd and SIL" (clear) 

And then just repeat, repeat, repeat. 

"Can't help you there Mom. As I said, you'll have to call dd "

Then pass the good old bean dip. 

It's actually quite taxing being the go to person for all the family 'news', and it's much better to train people to go to the source, imo. 

They want to know how dd is and what's going on? They call dd. 

[melmichigan]

10 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

If DD wants support, I'd encourage her to look for someone who is not 'in the community' but who is experienced in psychotherapy.

She doesn't need 'educating', she likely needs a space to process freely. 

She has a lot on her plate. 

 

I could have written that better.  A psychotherapist that specializes in gender identity is not going to sway one way or the other, but will be knowledgable in the process and what goes along with it for both the person and the family/significant other.  I went to the same therapist, without my child, in order to process my own feelings.  I guess we have differing views on the topic, and that's okay. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by melmichigan

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, melmichigan said:

I could have written that better.  A psychotherapist that specializes in gender identity is not going to sway one way or the other, but will be knowledgable in the process and what goes along with it for both the person and the family/significant other.  I went to the same therapist, without my child, in order to process my own feelings.  I guess we have differing views on the topic. 

We do in some ways. I also saw my son's psychotherapist/psychiatrist at the gender clinic. It was fine, though I began seeing someone outside of the clinic pretty quickly. 

It's just not always easy for a spouse to get clear air around this issue, and some 'therapists', who don't have psychotherapeutic training, can amplify this. 

I'm sure the OP can support her dd to choose a therapist wisely.  Personally, I would always choose an independent trained psychotherapist. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Melissa Louise

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

If DD wants support, I'd encourage her to look for someone who is not 'in the community' but who is experienced in psychotherapy.

She doesn't need 'educating', she likely needs a space to process freely. 

She has a lot on her plate. 

 

I agree. She might also benefit from taking a little vacation on her own (or preferably with her mom or someone she really trusts,) so she can work through some of her thoughts and emotions without any input or pressure from her dh. Sometimes talking things out with sensible, trusted loved ones can be even more helpful than therapy.

Also, have we established that the dh is now identifying as a lesbian? 

Realistically, the dh has every reason to try to save the marriage, particularly given the serious genetic issue he has, which it appears will eventually paralyze him. I would be extremely concerned that he will do everything possible to convince her that his transitioning will be just fine for their marriage. It would be good for the dd to hear some other opinions and perspectives.

 

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, melmichigan said:

I could have written that better.  A psychotherapist that specializes in gender identity is not going to sway one way or the other, but will be knowledgable in the process and what goes along with it for both the person and the family/significant other.  I went to the same therapist, without my child, in order to process my own feelings.  I guess we have differing views on the topic, and that's okay. 

I think the disparity here is that you were fortunate enough to find an open-minded, fair, unbiased therapist who truly wanted what was best for your child -- but I remember Melissa Louise's experiences, and sadly, they were quite the opposite. 😞 

[Melissa Louise]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I think the disparity here is that you were fortunate enough to find an open-minded, fair, unbiased therapist who truly wanted what was best for your child -- but I remember Melissa Louise's experiences, and sadly, they were quite the opposite. 😞 

Not mine with psychotherapists, but with support groups, definitely. 

I think the issues for spouses are a lot more complex - for parents it's just about working through issues around a child's health and wellbeing while they are minors.

For a wife? That's a lifelong thing, potentially. 

[Scarlett]

18 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Re exit strategy for conversations you don't want to have with extended family when/if it becomes an issue, I find vague but clear redirection helpful. 

"What in earth is going on with SIL and this gender thing" says your mom.

"Hmm. Not sure about that (vague). You'll have to talk to dd and SIL" (clear) 

And then just repeat, repeat, repeat. 

"Can't help you there Mom. As I said, you'll have to call dd "

Then pass the good old bean dip. 

It's actually quite taxing being the go to person for all the family 'news', and it's much better to train people to go to the source, imo. 

They want to know how dd is and what's going on? They call dd. 

I can’t stress this enough.  Just a few days ago I had to repeat several times to my parents, ‘ I really have no idea’.  ‘ Got no idea’. 

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I can’t stress this enough.  Just a few days ago I had to repeat several times to my parents, ‘ I really have no idea’.  ‘ Got no idea’. 

Yep. I use it for something else, but for a thing where I was becoming the go-between, and it was stressful to me, and ultimately not great for the parties involved either. 

"I'm not sure, but you can ask the person" takes a lot of pressure off. 

[KSera]

3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Also, have we established that the dh is now identifying as a lesbian? 

 

eta: I was trying to give some helpful info for catwoman, who I sensed might have a misunderstanding about what this transition means for a couple, but it's been bothering me that in this case we're talking about a specific couple and it feels more inappropriate for me to do so, so deleting.

Edited March 31, 2022 by KSera

[katilac]

(based on various replies, not the OP so much) 

It cannot be emphasized enough that sharing his transition plans does not mean they are going to share what their sex life looks like or how they define it.

They can share that if they want, but no one should ask. 

[Scarlett]

I will be the one to say this is outside the bounds of normal and OP should not feel guilty for not wanting to be the bearer of strange news.  

[katilac]

31 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I will be the one to say this is outside the bounds of normal and OP should not feel guilty for not wanting to be the bearer of strange news.  

Y'know, you can just address the pertinent bit and say it's not the OP's responsibility to spread the news without unnecessarily adding that you think it's strange and not normal. 

 

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, katilac said:

Y'know, you can just address the pertinent bit and say it's not the OP's responsibility to spread the news without unnecessarily adding that you think it's strange and not normal. 

 

I think the not normal bit is relative. Otherwise we would not be having this conversation. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Scarlett

[prairiewindmomma]

This thread has taken a weird turn. It’s really not our business to speculate on their sexual life, the health of their marriage, or to try to encourage OP to get her daughter alone from her partner to question her feelings or motives in continuing the relationship. All of that would be crossing a lot of boundaries in real life. 

[Catwoman]

55 minutes ago, KSera said:

FWIW, it's quite likely that the sexual relationship itself will still remain a biologically male/female one. That is extremely common. Now, that doesn't mean the gender identity switch part of it won't have an impact on that for the dd involved. Though the described spectrum-type ambivalence surrounding gender and sexuality may mean that's not so much an issue as it might be for many others.

Thanks — I appreciate your letting me know that!

I do think, though, that the dd needs to seriously consider how she will feel if her dh decides on having sex reassignment surgery in the future, because it could happen, and if the dd isn’t physically attracted to the female body, that could be a dealbreaker.

Right now, her dh still looks and sounds male, so she may not be fully comprehending the changes that are to come, even with just the hormone therapy. 

Personally, I just hope they both end up happy, whether or not their marriage survives this. 

 

[katilac]

17 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I think the not normal bit is relative. Otherwise we would. It be having this conversation. 

Why wouldn't we be? It's not the OP's responsibility to share their news, no matter what it is. 

Getting divorced, quitting their jobs, joining a commune, converting religions, moving to Antarctica - it doesn't matter what their life changes are, it's not the OP's job to be the town crier. In any of those situations, it's fine to say, "I'm not comfortable being responsible for telling everyone else in the family. That's something you have to do." 

Editing to add that it's fine if the OP does want to tell everyone else, or doesn't mind doing so, but they're not obligated. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by katilac

[KSera]

4 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

This thread has taken a weird turn. It’s really not our business to speculate on their sexual life, the health of their marriage, or to try to encourage OP to get her daughter alone from her partner to question her feelings or motives in continuing the relationship. All of that would be crossing a lot of boundaries in real life. 

I agree, even though I participated. I was just wanting to correct what might be a general (but common) misunderstanding based on one of the other poster's comments. Obviously none of that is anyone else's business.

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

This thread has taken a weird turn. It’s really not our business to speculate on their sexual life, the health of their marriage, or to try to encourage OP to get her daughter alone from her partner to question her feelings or motives in continuing the relationship. All of that would be crossing a lot of boundaries in real life. 

We speculate on everything on this forum, and we are always going off on tangents and rabbit trails — why should this be different?

I’m sure HSmom will feel free to ignore any posts that aren’t helpful to her. 🙂 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, KSera said:

I agree, even though I participated. I was just wanting to correct what might be a general (but common) misunderstanding based on one of the other poster's comments. Obviously none of that is anyone else's business.

Speaking only for myself, I have really appreciated your posts and @melmichigan’s as well. I have learned a few new things tonight!

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, katilac said:

Why wouldn't we be? It's not the OP's responsibility to share their news, no matter what it is. 

Getting divorced, quitting their jobs, joining a commune, converting religions, moving to Antarctica - it doesn't matter what their life changes are, it's not the OP's job to be the town crier. In any of those situations, it's fine to say, "I'm not comfortable being responsible for telling everyone else in the family. That's something you have to do." 

Editing to add that it's fine if the OP does want to tell everyone else, or doesn't mind doing so, but they're not obligated. 

I think the OP should tell the relatives in Arizona that her dd is getting divorced, quitting her job, joining a commune, converting religions, AND moving to Antarctica.

That way, when the relatives find out the truth, they will be like, “That’s it? Just that one little thing?” 😉 

[katilac]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 Realistically, the dh has every reason to try to save the marriage, particularly given the serious genetic issue he has, which it appears will eventually paralyze him. I would be extremely concerned that he will do everything possible to convince her that his transitioning will be just fine for their marriage. 

Well, most people who want to stay married will do everything possible to convince their spouse that staying married is the best choice. 

OP actually said the bio dad was paralyzed for a certain period of time, but no longer was. If the dh's main concern was to have a caregiver (which is not something every person with paralysis needs anyway), then he'd probably not be going down this road. 

Deciding whether to stay in a marriage when huge changes occur in your spouse or the overall situation is something numerous people face all the time. 

[Melissa Louise]

I think the tangent reflects that if taking on anything is appropriate, it's supporting the DD. 

Whether or not she needs support is up to her.

It's not uncommon for a spouse in this situation to need support. 

Sharing this on their behalf is quite different from sharing, say, that DD got a promotion at work, or had a bad case of the flu.

OP hope it all works out for everyone. 

[SKL]

I think the why is that you didn't want to deal with the judgment in your face.

I don't blame you.

It won't be easy, but I do think it would be good for you to call your folks and tell them, because your daughter asked you to.  Maybe it won't be so hard over the phone.

[Tanaqui]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I will be the one to say this is outside the bounds of normal and OP should not feel guilty for not wanting to be the bearer of strange news.  

Interesting fact - there are about as many transgender adults in America as JWs. I literally just googled that one.

So I guess, statistically speaking, one is about as normal as the other. Neither is as normal as being left-handed although another interesting fact: there is a small but real correlation between being left-handed and being trans. Don't ask me why, though.

[Katy]

2 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Interesting fact - there are about as many transgender adults in America as JWs. I literally just googled that one.

So I guess, statistically speaking, one is about as normal as the other. Neither is as normal as being left-handed although another interesting fact: there is a small but real correlation between being left-handed and being trans. Don't ask me why, though.

Interesting!

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Interesting fact - there are about as many transgender adults in America as JWs. I literally just googled that one.

So I guess, statistically speaking, one is about as normal as the other. Neither is as normal as being left-handed although another interesting fact: there is a small but real correlation between being left-handed and being trans. Don't ask me why, though.

Lol….ok.  Maybe OP should tell the family her SIL has become JW. Now THAT would be scandalous. 

[HS Mom in NC]

11 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Realistically, the dh has every reason to try to save the marriage, particularly given the serious genetic issue he has, which it appears will eventually paralyze him.

 

To clarify, SIL's bio-dad had paralysis for a few years, he no longer does as his immune disorder is no longer attacking his nervous system.  As I understand it, it could return.

SIL doesn't have those particular symptoms, he has others that don't affect mobility, but it is a real  possibility he could.

Medical issues can be crazy. 

[PeppermintPattie]

Have you thought of having your husband break the news to the AZ relatives? 

[Kanin]

18 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

And only that because otherwise they may well think the news has been conveyed when it hasn't been.)

Great point. It’s so easy for information to go awry when it’s not given directly from one person to another. At my job, I’ve experienced so many miscommunications (about things big and small), and it’s really opened my eyes to the need for DIRECT communication. With the best of intentions, you still might accidentally end up communicating the situation differently than your DD and SIL would want. 

[QueenCat]

Has your dd and sil had a relatively stable marriage up until now? Have they been married very long? I think that if they've been stable, that will help, no matter what your dd chooses to do in the long run. Hugs to you as you navigate this with your dd.

[HS Mom in NC]

4 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

Has your dd and sil had a relatively stable marriage up until now? Have they been married very long? I think that if they've been stable, that will help, no matter what your dd chooses to do in the long run. Hugs to you as you navigate this with your dd.

They've been married 4 years. It has seemed stable, but I know you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.  I have no reason to think it's unstable.

[QueenCat]

2 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

They've been married 4 years. It has seemed stable, but I know you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.  I have no reason to think it's unstable.

So true... people can easily hide what hurts. Best wishes to you and your family with all of this.

[JFSinIL]

It is their job to announce it. They fear what a phone call would entail---remind them it doesn't have to be a phone call. They can write a letter!  While i am sure YOU will get a phone call at some point from these relatives, you will be ready to respond pretty much as you have in your posts here.  But the young adults cant hide behind you when it comes to letting the Arizona folks know what is up.

Just don't bring it up on your trip, unless the young folks mail that letter right away.  In which case hope the trip is not spend having to deal with the fallout. Maybe ask them to NOT mail the letter until you get back, so your trip is not spoiled.

Edited March 31, 2022 by JFSinIL

[Jean in Newcastle]

If they are close enough to the extended relatives as adults to be directly invited to Thanksgiving then they should handle their own communication. If your dd is on the spectrum then I could see giving some advice on how to handle the social aspects but as a married couple of four years they shouldn’t be communicating through a parent, imo. I would recommend that they text or email those relatives instead of a phone call- that will give them the desired buffer for processing the information. 

[KSera]

7 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

another interesting fact: there is a small but real correlation between being left-handed and being trans. Don't ask me why, though.

Many studies find a significant correlation between being autistic and being left handed, and we know that autism is strongly correlated with transitioning. 

[Amy in NH]

21 hours ago, Katy said:

You said you love them and want to support them.  Giving them a bit of a buffer by making this announcement yourself IS support and love.

You feel conflicted because you lied when you were asked directly about it and lying is more against your morals that the situation.  It was a forgivable lie, who wants to ruin a vacation with a blow up about that? But now it's time to do what you said and let the extended family know.  I think it's not the conversation I would have with anyone but the most liberal types of grandparents by text or email.  I would call.

 

21 hours ago, Amethyst said:

You are handling this remarkably well. It sounds like you are trying to be very kind, and I applaud that. Transitioning is never easy or the same for anyone. So kindness is the first order of business, for believers or non-believers. 
 

I understand the “it’s their story to tell”, but in real life, sometimes it becomes your story too. I think of my own large family. My children aren’t close to all of their extended family. I’ll use an unplanned pregnancy as an example. If one of my children had an unplanned pregnancy, yes, it would be “their story to tell”, but I wouldn’t expect my child to call every single aunt and uncle. Nor would I expect them to show up at a family gathering very pregnant and I had never said a word. At a certain point, it would become my story to tell also. Same for you. At some point, this becomes your story too. Your dd and sil are going through something now. You are trying to be supportive. So, this is your story now too. I don’t know what the dynamics in your family are, but there might be a reason it would be better coming from you. 
 

Texting makes it easier. They did. It gives people time to process before responding. It might be the easiest way for you too

I agree with this. 

In the same way that it is your story to tell those family members about your children's jobs and other life happenings, this is also part of your story now.  IMO, it really doesn't matter that they are adults; you are the go-between because they are your family members on both sides, but only extended family to your children. 

How about another metaphor: If one of them had cancer, and didn't have the emotional bandwidth to tell all of the family branches - you would probably run interference before they showed up to Thanksgiving looking bald and ill?  Or would you just say - "not my story"?  But I like the pregnancy metaphor better - because transition should be a happy event - it's all about how you frame it in your own mind.

Being supportive in name only isn't really support? Actions count more than words.

[Terabith]

For what it’s worth, I think you should tell them.  When my oldest came out as non binary, I told my parents.  Kid was a minor, but even if they hadn’t been, I talk regularly to my parents and kid does not.  I do not regularly talk to any of the extended family (aunts, uncles, etc), so I guess I left that news to my mother to tell. I suppose it’s possible nobody told them, but when we saw them, they seemed to know about new name, so I think she did.  And I’m grateful. It would have been awful for me to call all 27 members of the extended family to tell them.  And if it had been on my kid, who doesn’t even like interacting with those relatives to begin with, it just wouldn’t have happened.  Telling them takes a huge burden off of your daughter, who has way too much on her plate at the moment.  I also think for relatives who text, that’s the kindest way to tell them, and phone is second best.  Anything that distances the reaction makes it easier on the person hearing the news.  I say that as a person whose good friend called me in 1999 to tell me she was transitioning.  It was easier for me to be gracious about that over the phone than in person where I would have had to monitor my facial expressions. 

[Terabith]

Also, I notice nobody on the hive is using she/ her for your daughter’s spouse.  I know said spouse says she is still okay with male pronouns and name, but she also said she would prefer female pronouns and new name.  The trans people say they’re okay with old stuff because they feel like they have to take what they can get. But they HOPE people will refer to them the way they choose. It’s hard to change names and pronouns, especially when someone is still presenting as gender assigned at birth. But it would be incredibly kind and supportive to do so.  

[HS Mom in NC]

The frustrating thing is that my 77 year old mother and step-daddon't text.  It seems to be a point of pride for her to not be in on new trends. It's phone call or in person as emails may or may not be checked.

[Katy]

12 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

The frustrating thing is that my 77 year old mother and step-daddon't text.  It seems to be a point of pride for her to not be in on new trends. It's phone call or in person as emails may or may not be checked.

What's the worst case scenario that will happen if you're the one who tells them?

[Drama Llama]

I don't think you had an obligation to say yes when they asked you.  I think, however, that given that they were asking you to do something that would be much easier for you than for them, saying yes was a kindness.  

But now that you've said yes, I do think you should follow through.  I don't think you have to, but I think that saying yes, and then not following through, is going to come across as judgment, and it's going to put your daughter and DIL in a hard situation.

I also think that if your relatives are like some of my elderly relatives, particularly the ones who don't use things like texting, they aren't going to know how to respond to this, and are going to look to you for modeling.  I'm sure your daughter and DIL were thinking of this when they asked you, that if you went, and talked calmly and supportively, it would smooth the way.  Now, if it comes out that you knew, and hid it, or that your daughter told different people in different timelines, it gives the impression that you think this is something shameful or something that should be hidden.  

I know you can't go back and tell them at the beginning of the visit, but you can tell them now.  

[HS Mom in NC]

14 minutes ago, Katy said:

What's the worst case scenario that will happen if you're the one who tells them?

If I'm over-stepping boundaries by infantalizing adults and those who asked me to intervene come to realize that's what I've done, it could damage the relationship long term. If they're in therapy and it's brought up with a therapist there could be advice to distance themselves from me or change the relationship dynamic because I didn't respect them as adults, and I'm an adult who is older and should've known better.  They could lose respect for me and I'd lose respect for myself. 

[Catwoman]

48 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Also, I notice nobody on the hive is using she/ her for your daughter’s spouse.  I know said spouse says she is still okay with male pronouns and name, but she also said she would prefer female pronouns and new name.  The trans people say they’re okay with old stuff because they feel like they have to take what they can get. But they HOPE people will refer to them the way they choose. It’s hard to change names and pronouns, especially when someone is still presenting as gender assigned at birth. But it would be incredibly kind and supportive to do so.  

Well, for me personally, I have been going out of my way to try to use only “dh” so I don’t have to use “he” or “him.” I was finding it confusing when I was referring to both HSMom’s dd and her dh in the same sentence, because using “her” and “her” wasn’t making any sense, so I had to find a way to differentiate them. I guess I could have used dw instead of dh, but I haven’t heard HSMom refer to her dd’s spouse as anything but SIL, and I suspect the dd still refers to her spouse as her husband (at this point at least.) I have also referred to the dh as the SIL, mainly because that’s how HSMom refers to him.

[Terabith]

7 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

If I'm over-stepping boundaries by infantalizing adults and those who asked me to intervene come to realize that's what I've done, it could damage the relationship long term. If they're in therapy and it's brought up with a therapist there could be advice to distance themselves from me or change the relationship dynamic because I didn't respect them as adults, and I'm an adult who is older and should've known better.  They could lose respect for me and I'd lose respect for myself. 

How does news in general pass in your family?  

I mean, in my family, I talk to my mother every week or so.  I text with my sister once in awhile.  And I NEVER call or communicate with any of the aunts or cousins.  We like and sometimes comment on each other's facebook posts, but even that is pretty sporadic.  But my mother talks often with her sisters (my aunts).  So when the news is things like a job change or a pregnancy or a surgery or any number of things like that, the general mode of communication goes from me to my mom and from my mom to the extended family, even my sister.  Is that infantilizing?  I don't think so.  It's just the general modes of communication and who usually talks to whom.  

I mean, there's a lot of wacky counselors in the world, but I think the odds that a counselor would criticize you for saying you would pass on news that is exhausting to tell and to whom they have to tell everyone else, when they asked you to do so, if you don't take that burden that you were asked to do, is FAR more likely than the likelihood that a counselor will tell your daughter to cut you off because you infantilized them by doing something they asked you to do.  

[Catwoman]

13 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

If I'm over-stepping boundaries by infantalizing adults and those who asked me to intervene come to realize that's what I've done, it could damage the relationship long term. If they're in therapy and it's brought up with a therapist there could be advice to distance themselves from me or change the relationship dynamic because I didn't respect them as adults, and I'm an adult who is older and should've known better.  They could lose respect for me and I'd lose respect for myself. 

Honestly, that just sounds like a bunch of psychobabble.

This is your daughter, not some random adult. You are not infantilizing her by doing her a favor she asked you to do for her. And even if you are, she is your daughter and she is going through an extremely stressful, intense, and probably confusing phase of her life, and maybe she just needs her mommy. 

Seriously, my best advice to you is to stop viewing her as an “adult” and remember that she will always be your little girl, and that right now, she might really appreciate feeling like you’re there to help her and take care of her if she needs it. You don’t have to smother her with affection, but I would definitely err on the side of being extra-loving and supportive. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Catwoman
Spelling is hard

[Terabith]

4 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Well, for me personally, I have been going out of my way to try to use only “dh” so I don’t have to use “he” or “him.” I was finding it confusing when I was referring to both HSMom’s dd and her dh in the same sentence, because using “her” and “her” wasn’t making any sense, so I had to find a way to differentiate them. I guess I could have used dw instead of dh, but I haven’t heard HSMom refer to her dd’s spouse as anything but SIL, and I suspect the dd still refers to her spouse as her husband (at this point at least.) I have also referred to the dh as the SIL, mainly because that’s how HSMom refers to him.

Yeah, that's fair.  And changing titles like husband and wife are trickier, too.  I wasn't trying to call out anyone in particular, but I do think it's truly important that HS Mom start trying to use the new name and pronouns.