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I just need a hug.

egao_gakari

By egao_gakari,
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egao_gakari

egao_gakari

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Hubby's depression is in a deep downswing today. He was crying all night after what I thought was a good day yesterday, and can't put words to explain what's triggered it (if anything). He got up like a zombie and dragged himself to work this morning. I brought him out a coffee and some breakfast, gave him a hug and told him I loved him, and the tears came again.

Financially things are more stable and secure than they've been our whole marriage. The kids are away visiting the grandparents in FL for a week. I was really looking forward to this week for both of us to recharge and have some quality time. But his mental state isn't allowing that to happen. It's so hard watching him like this. I feel so very very helpless and isolated. No one I know IRL has a marriage like this.

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Garga

Garga

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Is he being treated for it?  It’s doubtful he’ll have the mental energy to seek treatment for himself, so if he isn’t, it’ll be up to you to prod him along.  

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.  My DH has struggled with depression, too, but nowhere near that bad.  I am so sorry.  It’s hard to watch them struggle.  And then you have to deal with your own disappointments in how you wanted things to be in your relationship, and then you feel selfish for being disappointed in how the depression has affected you as well.  

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Garga

Garga

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If there’s no clear cause for the depression (money, struggles, etc), and if it’s not a temporary thing like being depressed following the death of a loved one, then he really needs to see a doctor if he doesn’t already. It’s chemical and no amount of good times in life will affect it.  

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klmama

klmama

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When he does see the doctor, please be sure they check his vitamin D level to see if it is low.  The doctor may not be concerned if it is around 30, because that is traditionally the lower end of "normal," but many doctors are recognizing that people feel better and are healthier when the level is 50+.  Sometimes bringing up the level of vitamin D makes a huge difference in ability to function, regardless of other meds.  

 

 

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Scarlett

Scarlett

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2 hours ago, Joules said:

((((Hugs))))  

Sometimes when you stop having to be strong for the kids, the real feelings pour out even more dramatically.  I'm so sorry both of you are going through this.

 This is just what I was thinking. Hugs though I’m so sorry 

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maize

maize

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I'm so sorry you and he are going through this.

My husband has dealt with chronic depression for many years. Getting a medication mix that works decently for him has helped. Other helps of course are good nutrition, good sleep, exercise, therapy.

I know how it feels when the darkness that is plaguing them reaches out and tries to swallow you too.

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J-rap

J-rap

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I'm so sorry.  If there's nothing (I mean life circumstances) that's causing it, then it really is just a brain/brain chemistry problem.  Is he seeking help?  

My dh used to have chronic migraines.  He was generally a very positive-thinking person, but as time went on (in our marriage) he noticed himself getting severely depressed from time to time and couldn't explain why.  We'd talk about it together, trying to find what was triggering it and couldn't figure it out.  Finally, after YEARS, we realized that the depression came about a day before a migraine kicked in.  It was all completely connected.  Still puzzling, but at least he knew that it had a physiological reason.  Once he could say, "Oh, it's just a migraine coming on," it made such a difference for him.  He still had the depression but he was able to look at it through different lens.

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maize

maize

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4 hours ago, J-rap said:

I'm so sorry.  If there's nothing (I mean life circumstances) that's causing it, then it really is just a brain/brain chemistry problem.  Is he seeking help?  

My dh used to have chronic migraines.  He was generally a very positive-thinking person, but as time went on (in our marriage) he noticed himself getting severely depressed from time to time and couldn't explain why.  We'd talk about it together, trying to find what was triggering it and couldn't figure it out.  Finally, after YEARS, we realized that the depression came about a day before a migraine kicked in.  It was all completely connected.  Still puzzling, but at least he knew that it had a physiological reason.  Once he could say, "Oh, it's just a migraine coming on," it made such a difference for him.  He still had the depression but he was able to look at it through different lens.

This is how PMS depression is for me--mine is never severe but it was a huge relief to me when I figured out that my mood drops always happened a couple of days before I got my period. I could stop looking for all the things that must be wrong in my life to make me feel the way I did and recognize that it was just a physiological thing due to hormone level changes.

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egao_gakari

egao_gakari

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Thanks, everyone.

For those who have asked whether he's getting help, he is. He had a therapy appointment today that I sat in on, and I think it was fruitful. He's been on several medications off and on for many years, but last month decided to stop taking all but one (the baseline, mood-stabilizing one) because he can't consistently control his intake of them. (Like Adderal and anxiety meds.) There's always a gap of a few days to a week before he can get a new refill. So he's trying to work with cognitive-behavioral therapy, diet changes, etc. to control the anxiety and ADHD. It's a rougher transition period than we'd have liked. But he is definitely better today than yesterday, and yesterday evening he was well enough to take me out on a date where we had a lot of fun.

For those who have asked whether I have "on the ground support," not really. I found a support group that meets monthly, so I'll try that in a couple of weeks. But the only friend who was married to a mentally-ill person divorced him (with just cause, as he was unmedicated and refused to admit that he needed help). Talking to her about it hasn't helped much so far, as often I'll describe a situation and she'll hear it through an abuse-filter that isn't there in my marriage.

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GinaPagnato

GinaPagnato

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It sounds like you and your DH are doing all the right things to manage this very unfair and arbitrary disease. I'm glad he's better today than yesterday.

It's a blessing that your marriage is a good one, absent the flare-ups of his depression. You're wise to be judicious in sharing with your friend; her situation sounds totally different from yours in terms of the relationship.

NAMI usually has good support groups that are located all over the place.

 

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maize

maize

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The anxiety and ADHD medication...does he sometimes take more pills than prescribed for one day and that is why he runs out before a refill is available? 

Was he on an extended release medication? MyDayIs is a newer one that has worked well here. It is expensive but there is a discount program that makes it very reasonable.

Just brainstorming.

I'd also be happy to chat via PM anytime you need support; Dh and I have been in this path together for a lot of years.

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egao_gakari

egao_gakari

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2 hours ago, maize said:

The anxiety and ADHD medication...does he sometimes take more pills than prescribed for one day and that is why he runs out before a refill is available? 

Was he on an extended release medication? MyDayIs is a newer one that has worked well here. It is expensive but there is a discount program that makes it very reasonable.

Just brainstorming.

I'd also be happy to chat via PM anytime you need support; Dh and I have been in this path together for a lot of years.

Thank you, I will ? And yes, that's the situation. He was on an extended and a short-release; many different attempts at different dosages and combinations, as well as putting me in control of dispensing them; nothing worked for long, he always wound up taking more than prescribed, and it had a side effect of making him constantly grumpy and inaccessible. So he finally decided to try something other than meds for the ADHD, because it simply wasn't working for him or the rest of us!

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