When you go to a kid birthday (age 11) and the invitation says "no gifts," do you bring a little something anyway?

[SKL]

Just wondering if it would be wrong to insert a small gift card into the boy's birthday card.  I normally like to give a gift to at least make up for the cost of my kid participating in their party.

[maize]

I wouldn't. It makes the "no gifts" request meaningless and puts pressure on other people to give a gift as well.

[bolt.]

No, I take people at their word.

 

There could be really good reasons for the request (ie: some guests are impoverished, and should not be made to feel it; or the child is not allowed to accept gifts for a religious reason and your gift card would end up confiscated and donated.) These sound outlandish -- just saying 'you never know why' so you shouldn't ignore instructions.

 

I think it would be terribly rude to accept an invitation and then act in a way that you were specifically told not to act... even if your intentions are nice. It isn't 'nice' to do what you want, it's 'nice' to listen to their words and respect their wishes.

[HomeAgain]

I wouldn't.  If I knew the mom well enough I might ask about the request.  I would do a nice card, maybe one of the pop-up ones or one that played music.  My sister found one for my youngest that required him to blow on the card's candles to start the Happy Birthday song.  Entertained him for days until it "disappeared". :lol:

[Tap]

Nope. Honor the host and don't bring a gift.  If someone goes through the trouble to write that in the card, I assume they really mean it. 

[Starr]

Not so long ago people were posting that if you didn't bring something to the no gift party you would be the only one. I'm glad my dc are past this, too many variables. 

[SKL]

OK ... I just feel bad not being able to help defray the cost of the birthday party.  I never have parties for my kids so I can't reciprocate that way.

 

For information, this is a boy in their class, not a special friend but he invited the whole class.  From what I gather, pretty much everyone is coming. 

 

Well, hopefully the boy has a blast and that makes it worth it for the parents.  :)

[Guest]

Chances are good they mean it. I tried to do this, and also tried requesting gifts be dollar gifts, but a surprising number of parents were very annoyed at me for this. When I tried no gifts, some people still brought them, which embarrased the people who honored my request.

[SKL]

Chances are good they mean it. I tried to do this, and also tried requesting gifts be dollar gifts, but a surprising number of parents were very annoyed at me for this. When I tried no gifts, some people still brought them, which embarrased the people who honored my request.

 

So in your experience, about what % of parents honor your request?

[Rachel]

Don't send a gift.

[catz]

Every time this topic comes up, it ends up as a huge debate.  No, do not bring a gift.  I'd bring a card.  There are good reasons people put this on an invitation and it doesn't matter if everyone ignores it or gifts are your love language.  It's disrespectful.  And though you may feel better if others ignore the request and you do as well and a polite host will take it in stride with thanks.  But they will not appreciate the gifts and send them right back out the door.

Edited October 6, 2017 by WoolySocks

[RootAnn]

I sent out invites to my ds#1's party this summer with "no gifts." The patents who know me honored it, but the two parents who only know me through baseball tried to send a gift. I specifically stood outside to greet the kids and cut off gifts coming in - so was able to intercept. I would not have seen a gift card coming, so am grateful no one did what you proposed.

 

When the kids were younger, I often would write that homemade cards were welcome, but not required. We got some cute & creative cards from that.

[Guest]

No!

[fairfarmhand]

My kids and their friends do these kinds of parties and we love them.

 

They really do mean no gifts.

 

And instead, they draw pictures, write a song or make a pretty card. One girl wrote 16 haiku poems for my daughter's 16th birthday. That was hilarious. My kids love and treasure the handmade simple things.

 

Also, the parents are not looking for reciprocity. They're simply wanting to celebrate their kids' birthday. So don't feel bad about that. I seriously doubt they're keeping track of which kids have reciprocated with party invitations.

[Lanny]

No gift...

[heartlikealion]

OK ... I just feel bad not being able to help defray the cost of the birthday party.  I never have parties for my kids so I can't reciprocate that way.

 

For information, this is a boy in their class, not a special friend but he invited the whole class.  From what I gather, pretty much everyone is coming. 

 

Well, hopefully the boy has a blast and that makes it worth it for the parents.  :)

 

As someone that is openly frugal maybe my reply with help. When I throw parties I am not concerned about gifts at all. Ds took forever walking around Target trying to find something to buy with his gift card from my sister. It was not really defraying any costs. It was just icing on the cake so to speak. He got a book and a couple other things. His first thought? "I'm going to buy donuts with my gift card." Some kids don't even care that much about gifts. Also, I hate to admit this, but he has gifts in their original packaging sitting in his room. An untouched building kit, etc. Some are from Christmas.

 

We are trying to step away from tangible gifts more and more as our home is small and clutter is consuming us.

[SKL]

As someone who does throw big birthday parties, let me set your mind at ease by saying gifts do not defray the cost of the party in any way. It's not like I'm taking money that I would have spent on toys and spending it on cake instead. Especially if the whole class is coming; the kids don't need 28 new toys/games at once.

 

I was thinking of an Amazon gift card.

 

[heartlikealion]

I was thinking of an Amazon gift card.

 

 

It doesn't defray the cost because the Amazon gift card would be spent by the child most likely. Like, in our household, ds would spend it on digital movies most likely.

[OneStepAtATime]

I would not bring a gift.  If you wish, have your child make a nice Birthday card.  No gift card.  

[SKL]

OK I'm glad the consensus is no gifts these days, because that makes me more hopeful that people will honor it when I host a "no gift" birthday.  :)

 

I also think it's likely I won't be the only one "honoring" it because the invitations were just received this Tuesday.  :P

[Julie Smith]

At most I would have my kids make a card. If they are into duct tape stuff they can make a duct tape wallet and put it in the card.

[Guest]

So in your experience, about what % of parents honor your request?

80%. But some people who complied did tell me it bugged them.

[MEmama]

When my son turned seven, he requested no gifts at his birthday party. It was right after the huge earthquake in Haiti, so he asked for cash donations for the disaster relief instead.

 

Everyone gave a donation and he raised a ton of money, but he was very, very annoyed at friends who brought gifts anyway. He felt very strongly that he didn't need more stuff--especially understanding that others had so little--and promptly gave all his presents away.

 

I take people at their word. There are very few of us here who need or even want "more".

[tex-bex]

You could always donate to a local charity in their name if you wanted to gift something.

[kroe1]

Absolutely bring a gift. Polite society takes precedence.

[maize]

Absolutely bring a gift. Polite society takes precedence.

In what way does specifically ignoring and going against the expressed desire of the host = politeness?

[Spryte]

We have "no gift" parties, partly because we usually have joint parties and some guests will know one or the other birthday Kid, but usually not both. Some people bring gifts anyway, and we accept them graciously - but there is no need.

 

I say do what makes you most comfortable. :)

Edited October 6, 2017 by Spryte

[HomeAgain]

Absolutely bring a gift. Polite society takes precedence.

 

Polite society means you don't go against the host's wishes. https://www.mannersmentor.com/social-situations/the-etiquette-of-giving-receiving-party-gifts

 

 

Here is an extreme example of 'no gifts'. We have lived in very small communities, where the only store sold 5-10 toys in each age/gender range.  The common refrain at birthday parties was 'no gifts, please'.  Why?  Because you were guaranteed to get 5 of one of the toys and 3 of the others.  For a while the children passed around gift cards, but that was the same issue.  Finally the parents just agreed, no gifts.  Really.  Seriously.  The children would get together, have cake, play, and it was great.  No gifts.  What the children did receive was from their parents/family, and kept to a reasonable amount of things that were ordered specially for them.

 

To have one parent insist on bringing a gift out of a gesture of well-meaning intent...it either meant they were new or clueless.

 

[skimomma]

Absolutely bring a gift. Polite society takes precedence.

 

Do not bring a gift.  "Polite society" went out the window when kids started getting buried under cheap toys and clutter that all end up in a landfill.  Things have changed.  Thankfully.

Edited October 6, 2017 by skimomma

[SparklyUnicorn]

Last time I encountered this I brought a gift anyway and every single other person did as well.  I really wish people would not make such requests. 

 

I know it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't bring a gift, but I imagine my kid might have ended up feeling bad he didn't have anything.  So I wanted to send something.  Apparently everyone else felt similarly. 

 

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

When my son turned seven, he requested no gifts at his birthday party. It was right after the huge earthquake in Haiti, so he asked for cash donations for the disaster relief instead.

 

Everyone gave a donation and he raised a ton of money, but he was very, very annoyed at friends who brought gifts anyway. He felt very strongly that he didn't need more stuff--especially understanding that others had so little--and promptly gave all his presents away.

 

I take people at their word. There are very few of us here who need or even want "more".

 

I'd say that makes him quite unusual (not saying that's bad).  The boy's party we went to, who we weren't to bring gifts for, was clearly quite elated over getting gifts. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

Nope, I would do as requested and provide no gift. 

[Guinevere]

In these cases, I usually plan for either way. Then if I get there and see gifts are happening, I can pop the gift card in the birthday card, or grab our present from the van. If they aren't, then regular card it is, with maybe something hand drawn from my child. If I didn't use the present afterall, I just tuck it away for the next time I need it, or if it's a gift card, I just spend it myself.

[jewellsmommy]

It is best to respect the host's request. Assume that they have excellent reasons for the request.

 

If you are someone who just has to bring something or they may die of embarrassment or something dramatic like that, then call the host and ask what edible treat you may contribute to the party, such as a fruit arrangement, veggie tray, cookies, sparkling water, juice boxes etc.

[klmama]

When people say "no gifts," I assume they mean it.  Great idea on asking to help with food, though!  

 

When my dc were young and our small house was overwhelmed with too many large items from doting grandparents, I didn't want stuff that was going to take up space.  I suggested to those who asked for ideas that any gifts be "pocket-sized."  I'm sure that constraint was as annoying to some people as "no gifts," but it generated a really interesting combination of useful and fun gifts, some of which were used well into their teen years.   

[skimomma]

I'd say that makes him quite unusual (not saying that's bad).  The boy's party we went to, who we weren't to bring gifts for, was clearly quite elated over getting gifts. 

 

 

I wouldn't say it is unusual.  Dd had several donation birthday parties for our local animal shelter.  She had outgrown parties but when she still had them, she very much looked forward to bringing the donations in and visiting the animals.  She got the idea from attending others.  A significant percentage of the parties she has attended have been donation parties for various causes.

 

In all of the parties we had, no one ever brought a gift for dd.  Nor have I witnessed it at no-gift or donation parties dd attended.  It is possible that a gift was discretely whisked away before I saw it but as far as I could tell, it was not a problem.

 

I realize this can vary greatly by region/culture.

[OrganicJen]

Nope. Honor the host and don't bring a gift. If someone goes through the trouble to write that in the card, I assume they really mean it.

I agree that they must really mean it if they bothered to include that language in the invitation.

[Word Nerd]

No. If the host didn't mean it, s/he wouldn't include it in the invitation.

[SKL]

Well I asked on another board and was still going back and forth, until I decided I would buy a couple small gift cards (one for each of my kids' cards), on the assumption that nobody would know other than the host / recipient and therefore nobody would feel bad, whether they meant "no gifts" or not.

 

But I got to the store and there were no Amazon cards under $25, and given that I have 2 kids, that would be $50, an embarrassing amount to give a classmate even if it wasn't a "no gifts" birthday.  So I decided, they said no gifts, they can't feel bad about it.  And why do I care what everyone else thinks.  :P

 

But I got a good idea for next time.  While RSVPing, I will ask the parents for an idea for a charitable donation since they do not want gifts.  I think that would make all involved feel better, and I would not worry about how the whole world might feel if I do or don't enclose a gift card.

[Elizabeth86]

No I wouldnt bring a gift. Im not sure how cash in a card might be received. I would think anyone could enjoy some cash when they might have enough *stuff* especiay at 11. If you know them well just say hey would it bother you if we brought some cash we feel bad showing up empty handed.

[Bootsie]

In what way does specifically ignoring and going against the expressed desire of the host = politeness?

This is where I start second-guessing this type of request.  The gift is not for the host.  So is it impolite to go against the desire of the host and give a gift to the honoree?

[justasque]

...For information, this is a boy in their class, not a special friend but he invited the whole class.  From what I gather, pretty much everyone is coming. ...

 

 

... Especially if the whole class is coming; the kids don't need 28 new toys/games at once.

 

I once went to a party where the whole class was invited, along with a ton of family members.  They all brought gifts, which were opened at the party.  The poor child was utterly overwhelmed, and could barely take it all in.  There is no way they could properly appreciate, or ever have time to play with, the forty-ish gifts.  I don't know where the family would even have been able to store them all.  And since many of the gifts were from classmates rather than close friends, they weren't thoughtful gifts targeted to the child's interests in any way, they were just generic "kid of this age" gifts, mostly plastic junk.  Honestly, watching it play out left me feeling a little ill.

 

If the parents are throwing a big party, they said no gifts for a reason.  A hand-made card would be nice. 

 

If you feel you must give something beyond that, consider something consumable (NOT candy; perhaps some healthy muffins that could be frozen and eaten (in a lunch box?) when the party leftovers are done with), or something very small of very good quality (hand-crafted tiny pocket doll), or something educational (Jim Weiss CD or an age-appropriate music CD), or something wearable (nice quality socks), or something very usable based on the child's interests (gift certificate to the dance shop to help pay for the next pair of shoes), or something intangible (gift to charity).  Think of either things that the family would be purchasing down the line anyway (socks, dance gear), or quality items that are very likely to be used.  Another option would be to get together with the other class parents, all put in a nominal amount of money, and get  a museum or zoo membership for the family.  This would keep the dollar amount low (30 kids give $5 each), the gift count low, and the value high (esp. if you can get a reciprocal-museums level membership).

 

But again, the parents have made their wishes clear, likely for good reason.

[Hoggirl]

Have not read all the replies, but you could always make a gift to a favorite charity in honor of the birthday person and give a card that indicates that is what you did.

[maize]

This is where I start second-guessing this type of request. The gift is not for the host. So is it impolite to go against the desire of the host and give a gift to the honoree?

If the honoree is a minor child and the host is their parent, yes! It is impolite. If a parent said "please don't give Johnny candy" and you turned around and gave Johnny candy would that be polite?

 

If the honoree is an adult, I would assume the no gifts request originated with them (as it did for my grandmother's recent 90th birthday party) regardless of who the host is. Again, ignoring that wish is not kind, thoughtful, or polite. It is putting your own feelings and sense of propriety above that of either the honoree or the host.

 

If you must give a gift, avoid awkwardness by giving it at another time and not in conjunction with a party for which a specific no-gift request has been made.

Edited October 7, 2017 by maize

[JessReplanted]

Tell the parent you don't feel comfortable not bringing something. It only took one "no present" party where half the people brought presents and we didn't (and I felt like an idiot) for me to decide that I was never doing that again.

So, I usually express a desire to bring a gift, and will maybe ask if there is a book the kid would like. Then I discreetly place the gift at the party. No one has ever gotten upset with me about this.

[Starr]

Take flowers or a small box of chocolates for the mom. 

[Tanaqui]

Absolutely bring a gift. Polite society takes precedence.

 

There is no manners requirement that you bring a gift to a birthday party. Bringing a gift is a decision you make because you want to be kind - not an expectation or an obligation, even if the host does NOT specifically request "no gifts". And since they have made that request, it is kinder to do as they asked.

[Tanaqui]

Oh, and for everybody talking about charitable donations: Please, please, please ask the recipient (or their parents) first. Sometimes the charity you support is one they abhor - and I don't just mean the obvious ones like "Hm, I wonder what they think about abortion?"

 

I don't want to get into a debate about which charities spend your money more wisely or less wisely, or whatever. Just - ask.

[HS Mom in NC]

No.  No gifts means no gifts. 

 

Just because the parents of other children might be emotionally uncomfortable with not bringing a gift and bring one anyway in total disregard for what the hostess explicitly stated, it doesn't justify bringing a gift.

 

No one ever put "no gifts" on the invitation and then wanted guests to bring gifts.  That would be crazy. So is bringing a gift when the invitation says, "no gifts."

 

I repeat, no gifts means no gifts. Not at the party. Not before the party.  Not after the party. Not at another time and location.

 

If it doesn't say "no gifts" then bring a gift. 

 

It's very simple and straightforward. Why make it anything else?

 

Do you like it when you specifically say no to something and the person being told no ignores you and does it any way? That's not polite society-it's the exact opposite. Ignoring no is rude. Ignoring no violates boundaries.

 

Do not assume that the hostess that specifically stated "no gifts" wants you to bring her a gift instead of her child. That would be contradictory to the philosophy of a no gift party.

 

Again, "no gifts" means no gifts. It's not a code for something else.  It's not a trick. It means don't bring a gift.

 

 

[Twolittleboys]

No!