My niece lost her week old preemie, is this appropriate?

[emcap]

My niece lost her 24 week old preemie yesterday, he was one week old. We are not close, mainly just because we've always lived far away. I want her to feel loved and cared for and remembered but I'm not good at this social stuff. Would it be appropriate to send her this? https://www.amazon.com/Calls-Little-Children-Angel-Figurine/dp/B000MY0P7M

I do not want to add to her sorrow right now, but I imagine there's no escaping it anyway. I received this after a miscarriage and it is very beautiful.

We cannot make the services due to living far away. Would just a card be better?

Thanks for your help

[saraha]

I have no idea about what is a good thing to do, but it is really sweet that you want to support her

[regentrude]

No, I do not think this is appropriate - unless you know with absolute certainty that she shares this view.

Telling a bereaved parent "God was tired of calling old folks into heaven, so he called a young child to make heaven more beautiful" (which is what the included poem says) is not appropriate or comforting.

Edited December 29, 2016 by regentrude

[Ravin]

You know it helped you with your loss, so that makes it appropriate in my book. It's not something I've ever experienced, though.

[cintinative]

It all depends. Sometimes saying "Heaven has another angel" can be hurtful. If you don't know the person well, I would avoid it.  Let their statements be a guide to you.

 

This might be better:  "Heaven rejoices. Earth weeps."

 

Some practical suggestions from afar:  gift cards for restaurants so they don't have to cook; pay for a cleaning service.

 

Write down the date of the loss and on certain intervals -- 3 months, 6 months, 1 year--send an email, call or card letting her know you are praying for her.  Lots of times months after a loss it is incredibly lonely. People stop asking and there is still a lot of hurt.

 

 

ETA: "He/she is in a better place" is even worse.   I was in a group discussion about grieving and these phrases "heaven has another angel" and "he/she is in a better place" were both referenced as phrases that did not bring comfort to the grieving person.  Several people mentioned that it belittled their grief.  I would avoid anything that might be perceived that way.  Sometimes "I am so very sorry you lost your child. I am praying for you." is more powerful than other things we could say.  But as mentioned above, don't forget about her months from now. Others might have.   As a practical person, I would send a gift card before a statue.  And remember she is still a hormonal mess right now.  She just had a baby a week ago.

Edited December 29, 2016 by cintinative

[prairiewindmomma]

A number of people gave us angel statutes when our daughter died. They were not my favorite.  If you sent it, send it with the note that someone gave you one and it comforted you.

 

 

[JustEm]

I think the figurine is appropriate but I do not find the poem comforting at all and I am a devout Catholic.

 

Edited to change my answer because I didn't realize the baby was an angel. It would actually not be appropriate or comforting to me because the idea that people become angels after death or are depicted as angels after death is inaccurate to my belief system and it annoys me. But that depends on her belief system I would imagine.

Edited December 29, 2016 by hjffkj

[gardenmom5]

whether she would personally find comfort in it depends upon her personality and beliefs.

 

is she religious?

[Mergath]

I wouldn't send it. You say you're not close, and there's a chance she might find it hurtful. I can tell you that if I lost a child and someone sent me that poem, I'd be pissed and probably wouldn't speak to them for a while. I would feel like it invalidated my feelings of grief and loss.

[Rachel]

I like the idea of sending a figurine, but the angel baby concept maybe may not be comforting. I didn't like it when people referred to my baby as an angel when I experienced a loss. My cousin however didn't mind, we are both Christians with similar beliefs.

 

Something like this figure may be appropriate instead:

 

https://www.amazon.com/Willow-Tree-Surrounded-by-Love/dp/B003IHGY2A/ref=sr_1_2?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1483032413&sr=1-2&keywords=willow+tree

 

Definitely send a card or reach out.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Only if you are certain she has the same views.  And I mean BEYOND certain.  I had a few family members assume I'm religious (either that or they did not give a crud that I'm not).  They sent me some very very religious items after my mother died (which is not even comparable at all).  Honestly, I threw them out.  I found the gesture to be selfish. 

[Dmmetler]

I lost a 22 week preemie, and that sort of "heaven needed another angel" statement really, really hurt. It felt like I wasn't good enough to be my son's mother. That and a lot of other statements to the effect that "God chooses when to bless us with children" are a big part of the reason why I am very uncomfortable in Christian churches now.

[Heatherwith4]

I am a Christian, and I wouldn't appreciate receiving something like that. It is sweet of you to want to send her something, though.

[UCF612]

I agree with the others. For me it wouldn't be a comfort. Personally I'd prefer the willow tree rememberance figure if anything. But just a handwritten note saying you are thinking of her would be sweet.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah sometimes I think these gestures, although always well meaning, have a way of just rubbing salt in one's wounds. 

[MercyA]

I am not at all trying to minimize the comfort you personally found in the gift. 

 

However, the poem is not in line with my theology and it would bother me, although I would try to take it in the spirit it was intended. (I *do* believe babies go to heaven; I do not believe God calls them there to make heaven more beautiful or turns them into angels.)

 

I would send a card. I am sure your niece would appreciate it. You are sweet to want to comfort her. I think a simple, "I'm so very sorry for your loss" is always appropriate.

Edited December 29, 2016 by MercyA

[RioSamba]

I would not have liked receiving that after my miscarriages. There are so many things about it that upset me, most of them have been touched on by other posters.

 

It is wonderful that you want to reach out to her. Tell her you love her and are sorry for her loss. Send cards that offer love and support, not an explanation or negation of her pain. Give her an opportunity to talk about her baby not just now, but in the future. Giver her a chance to tell you how beautiful his tiny fingers were, how his skin felt, not just how it felt to lose him.

[MercyA]

I lost a 22 week preemie, and that sort of "heaven needed another angel" statement really, really hurt. It felt like I wasn't good enough to be my son's mother. That and a lot of other statements to the effect that "God chooses when to bless us with children" are a big part of the reason why I am very uncomfortable in Christian churches now.

 

I am more sorry than I can say.  :grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

If you are certain she is religious. I would ask her mother or some other very close relative/friend. 

 

Personally, I am an atheist, and I was very irritated by the inundation of religious messaging when my mom died. My atheism had evolved in recent years, most rapidly while dealign with my mother's decline and the way her church abandoned her . . . and I certainly didn't/don't make it a point to discuss my lack of belief in God and church, since that would be offensive/insulting to many people. So, anyway, I wouldn't assume a belief in God, ESPECIALLY after a great tragedy. 

 

I *do* think it is very sweet and good to reach out in some way. What a terrible loss. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I'm agreeing with all the others.  The poem is AWFUL.  (sorry)  

 

I think from a distant relative, practical gifts would be more appropriate.  Even a grocery store or visa GC if you can afford it, as there will be some financial burden if they plan a funeral or service of any kind.  Practical gifts require very little in terms of emotional response.  A simple email thank you from her or her DH would be enough.  If she gets an "emotional" gift, she may feel some pressure to give you a "heartfelt" response, which I doubt she has the emotional energy to do, so it's just another burden.  

 

I'm sorry for her loss.  What an awful thing to happen. 

[QueenCat]

The poem is awful. I wouldn't send something religious at all unless you know that she is definitely religious now (not just raised that way).

[Dmmetler]

The most healing, helpful things people said to me following my son's death was from a 6th grade student

 

"Mrs. M...I heard about your baby...(long pause while she obviously was struggling with what to say) You must be P*******d!!" It was obvious that she was angry on my behalf.

 

There were lots of people who told me it was OK to be sad-but she told me it was Ok to be angry. I needed that.

 

The best gift was from a bunch of DH's co-workers who (as a group of largely male engineers) put together a large supply of convenience foods. They recognized that no one would be doing much cooking and shopping, and that basket of chips, crackers, deli meat, nuts, fruit and the like really came in handy, especially on the days when no one even felt up to thawing a casserole and putting together a salad. Meals, in general, were appreciated. So were things like gift cards for pizza delivery.

[Liz CA]

The most healing, helpful things people said to me following my son's death was from a 6th grade student

 

"Mrs. M...I heard about your baby...(long pause while she obviously was struggling with what to say) You must be P*******d!!" It was obvious that she was angry on my behalf.

 

 

 

From the mouth of babes...but she showed she can empathize.

 

[emcap]

Wow, I'm so glad I asked! I have to say, the poem is the same cheesy type nonsense typically included in sympathy cards that I skim and generally feel is completely worthless. I truly had no idea people take those things to heart. I guess that answers my question of why companies still bother printing them. Since o had a miscarriage and not a lot of people even knew, it is my remembrance of my little one, I can definitely see how that is different. I am absolutely certain she shares my beliefs, but I definitely don't want to risk offending her in any way.

Thanks for the replies, I'll just get a card

[gardenmom5]

I wouldn't send it. You say you're not close, and there's a chance she might find it hurtful. I can tell you that if I lost a child and someone sent me that poem, I'd be pissed and probably wouldn't speak to them for a while. I would feel like it invalidated my feelings of grief and loss.

 

the mortuary gave me an angel medallion when my mother died. it meant nothing to me, and felt very .. . patronizing?  whatever.  I rolled my eyes.  I figured maybe some people found it comforting.  I found it a waste and annoyance.  (and I know that somewhere in all the bills I paid for the darn thing.)

 

Only if you are certain she has the same views.  And I mean BEYOND certain.  I had a few family members assume I'm religious (either that or they did not give a crud that I'm not).  They sent me some very very religious items after my mother died (which is not even comparable at all).  Honestly, I threw them out.  I found the gesture to be selfish. 

 

this.  I'm very religious.  just because someone is a christian - does NOT mean they'd find it comforting. I found the poem impersonal and condescending.

 

a heartfelt handwritten note would mean more.

[Butter]

(My best friend had a stillbirth.)  No.  I would definitely not send that particular figurine.  When my best friend lost her little girl, I sent her a little tree.  I also made her a memorial baby blanket.  And then I sent her a card on the day for several years and made sure to call on the due date.  We still talk about the little girl around when she would have been born.  She'd be 10 this year.  But she is my best friend and I knew she would appreciate all of those things.  I'd send your niece a heartfelt card or note.

[kiwik]

I asked a similar question when a friend's mum died. I ended up going with practical stuff at the time then a rememberance gift at the second anniversary (I intended the first but it seemed too soon especially as the death was very near one of the grandchildren's birthdays).

[Valley Girl]

 

Write down the date of the loss and on certain intervals -- 3 months, 6 months, 1 year--send an email, call or card letting her know you are praying for her.  Lots of times months after a loss it is incredibly lonely. People stop asking and there is still a lot of hurt.

 

 

 

 

This suggestion is excellent. Grief is so very lonely. People go back to their own lives and concerns very quickly, which is natural. But it often leaves the bereaved person standing alone and their loss forgotten. Knowing that someone does remember and care after the initial shock and ceremonies can be so comforting and loving. That kind of thoughtfulness and compassion is remembered.

[happypamama]

I AM a Christian, and I DO believe that a baby who goes to Heaven is in a better place, but tbh, I'm facing losing my own week old micro preemie any day, and I would not find that comforting. Even though I know my son will be in a better place, it's still going to hurt, and no words are going to be comforting. Nobody can make it better.

 

I agree with sending cards to let her know you're praying for her, and if you can give her a chance to talk about her baby, that would be great too. My family has appreciated practical help this week as well in the forms of meals, snacks, and gift cards.

[Garga]

Sending it is going out on a limb. I wouldn't do it. It could go either way (being a comfort vs being a source of pain), so I'd err on the side of caution and stick with a card.

Edited December 29, 2016 by Garga

[busymama7]

I loved everything that everyone gave me with my still born daughters name on it. I got a hand embroidered picture that still sits on my shelf with her foot prints and a couple bracelets. One bracelet I wore daily for years. Even if you don't send something personalized, still use the baby's name in your note.

[Learning fun]

Midnight Orange is an etsy shop that sells handmade sculptures depicting mothers and angel babies that are IMO a whole lot more empathetic and comforting than the one you linked. That statue feels trite to me. The ones by Midnight Orange actually show grief, loss, love, and connection.

[Guest]

I lost a baby in labor and that would not be my favorite thing if someone sent that, although I would probably appreciate the gesture. There are better gifts. There are bracelets or necklaces with the baby's birthstone. Some people did give me angel figurines, but the ones I loved were the Willow Tree ones. One is called Remembrance and I forget the other one, but it is an angel releasing a butterfly. The other great thing one friend gave me was the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, which was the very best book on baby loss I read.

 

The one angel figurine that someone gave me that made me feel the most bitter was given to me by a "friend" who stopped by my house, handed me the gift, then said her kids were in the car and she had to run. It felt like she was just flinging some Good Deed Token at me, but didn't want the actual discomfort of spending two whole minutes with me.

 

One of the most likely to be appreciated gestures would be if you write down the date and send her a card next year, or for another couple years, on the anniversary. Mamas are often hurt by the mere fact that life goes on and people seem to forget about their baby. Remembering my baby by name was the most precious thing people did.

[Farrar]

I had a similar sort of relative lose a baby in similar circumstances. She actually would have like that - I'm 99% sure. But I couldn't bring myself to send something like that. I felt like I had to walk a strange line between my own beliefs about grief and my perception of what she likely wanted and needed. Comforting someone is odd like that sometimes... I think we have to be ourselves and share our own genuine sense of love and care, but we also have to respect the needs and beliefs of the person we're trying to comfort, as well as any sense of best practices for the situation.

[Guest]

Could you give her a voucher to a ceramics studio like Color Me Mine instead?

 

I'd give her that and a card expressing that you wanted her to be able to select and personalize her own favorite keepsake on your dime instead. I think that is thoughtful, flexible, and beautiful.

[PrairieSong]

I don't care for the figurine or the poem. I'd send a card and maybe a restaurant card, or have a food gift basket delivered.

 

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk

[PrincessMommy]

honestly, I don't think it would be appropriate.  It seems like it would be too easy to be hurt/offended by theology of that message. 

 

I think receiving a personal note from you would be much more meaningful.  I also like the idea of sending a remembrance next year too.  It will be doubly hard since the anniversary is so close to Christmas.

[emcap]

I had a similar sort of relative lose a baby in similar circumstances. She actually would have like that - I'm 99% sure. But I couldn't bring myself to send something like that. I felt like I had to walk a strange line between my own beliefs about grief and my perception of what she likely wanted and needed. Comforting someone is odd like that sometimes... I think we have to be ourselves and share our own genuine sense of love and care, but we also have to respect the needs and beliefs of the person we're trying to comfort, as well as any sense of best practices for the situation.

This is so true. I'm definitely sticking with a card. They are extremely well off with several well off siblings, both sides of very well off parents around, so I don't plan to send a grocery or restaurant card. She has a wonderful support system all around her. I personally dislike birthstone jewelry etc, and while she may like it I don't want to send it without knowing for sure.

 

Thanks again for the replies. I'm so glad I asked. This is why I'm always so unsure about things. Something I would treasure would offend others, what I would resent as clutter that I need to store is treasured by others. I want to support her, but the reality is that she doesn't need me and we don't know each other well (she is my husbands much older brother's child. We're only about 4 years apart and we have met maybe four times). I'll let her know she's loved but leave the rest to those who know her better and live closer.

 

I'm so sorry for all of you who have experienced loss, thanks for sharing your insights with me.

[Barb_]

I'm so glad for her you asked first. You are a kind person.

[StaceyinLA]

Nothing to add except I have said prayers for her. I can't imagine the pain she must be experiencing.

[Rachel]

Agreeing with Quill that "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" is helpful.

[LucyStoner]

Nevermind- my response was posed after the update.

 

I think it's kind of you to reach out at this time.

Edited December 30, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Janeway]

No, I do not think this is appropriate - unless you know with absolute certainty that she shares this view.

Telling a bereaved parent "God was tired of calling old folks into heaven, so he called a young child to make heaven more beautiful" (which is what the included poem says) is not appropriate or comforting.

I cannot get the link to work...

 

BUT..I will tell you..anything that says "God's plan" or tells the parent she has an angel watching over her is just awful. A parent who lost her child will tell you that as a mommy, she should be the one watching over the baby, not the other way around. And God's plan does not involve killing babies. I know that is not what anyone means, but that really is what that means. When a baby dies, it is just a horrible thing and everyone cries for the loss of that baby, even God. But you cannot even say that because if the person is the rare exception who really thinks this is God's plan, then saying that will be upsetting.

 

Go with adopting a star in her child's name, or getting a minky with the name embroidered on it, or something like that. Don't bother sending food. She probably isn't hungry because she is so sad.

[Janeway]

This is so true. I'm definitely sticking with a card. They are extremely well off with several well off siblings, both sides of very well off parents around, so I don't plan to send a grocery or restaurant card. She has a wonderful support system all around her. I personally dislike birthstone jewelry etc, and while she may like it I don't want to send it without knowing for sure.

 

Thanks again for the replies. I'm so glad I asked. This is why I'm always so unsure about things. Something I would treasure would offend others, what I would resent as clutter that I need to store is treasured by others. I want to support her, but the reality is that she doesn't need me and we don't know each other well (she is my husbands much older brother's child. We're only about 4 years apart and we have met maybe four times). I'll let her know she's loved but leave the rest to those who know her better and live closer.

 

I'm so sorry for all of you who have experienced loss, thanks for sharing your insights with me.

A card is the best thing. She won't notice it much now, but in a year from now, she will go through the cards and see it and remember how much you cared and it will matter to her. And it will also matter in 5 yrs and so on. Remembering that people cared matters.

 

Also..consider lighting a candle on the one year anniversary in remembrance of her baby. Don't worry about mentioning it. Even if you say nothing, she is thinking about it, so you won't be reminding her.