Is it common for relatives to self-invite on short notice?

[displace]

I have some relatives who have a history of confusion (to me) surrounding their coming over for holidays/events. The scenario ranges: a call from them a day before (without an invite), letting us know they'll be there; invites ignored until a day or two before event and then sudden notice they're coming; or declined invites with a sudden change a few days ahead of time.

 

I invite all my invitees for known events about 2-4 weeks ahead of time. We do not have an open door policy with anyone, really, except play dates and my mom. The relatives don't stay overnight ATM but have in the past. If they were to show up at non-holidays they may get refused at the door (but never have), but they show up when others will be here too, so we're already company ready and accept them too.

 

I wonder if this is common in other families? I know a lot of people have open doors to families, and I suspect my relatives are like that in their minds. I've also heard them remark (upon visiting other people), that if the people they're visiting can't host them, it's not an issue, they'll do something else.

 

It happens whether I send out frequent visiting offers or none. I do have questions about these relatives being somewhat executive-function "challenged" or possibly ADD based on other behaviors, which may lead to forgetting about invites?

 

Just curious, do your relatives show up randomly?

 

ETA - I would never actually turn them away if they just showed up for any reason, I'd just want too.

Edited November 20, 2016 by displace

[Laura Corin]

I have an open door to everyone, unless there is something specific going on that makes it impossible (home educating, specific family event, etc).  If a neighbour drops by to deliver a newsletter, I will invite them in if I know them.  If a friend or relative turned up on the doorstep, I would definitely invite them in unless it was possible.

 

For some form of festivity (Christmas, etc.) I would be surprised if they just turned up, but they would be very welcome nonetheless. 

 

Can you explain why you would refuse entry to your relatives?  Do you have a bad relationship with them?

Edited November 20, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Guest]

That's unusual behavior in my experience - we do formal invitation or plans arranged a few weeks ahead of time, except for standing get togethers that don't change. Even then emails or phonecalls are usually made to confirm shortly before.

 

We are generally very private and protective of our time on short notice - but very generous with schedules in terms of more noticed arrangements. I'm almost always available if someone calls ahead a day or three, but swinging by with a door knock isn't my thing and stresses me out. I don't know if friends and family can sense this or feel the same way because that is typical in both our families and among our extended circle - calls and emails and planning, not spontaneous open doors.

Edited November 20, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[displace]

I have an open door to everyone, unless there is something specific going on that makes it impossible (home educating, specific family event, etc). If a neighbour drops by to deliver a newsletter, I will invite them in if I know them. If a friend or relative turned up on the doorstep, I would definitely invite them in unless it was possible.

 

For some form of festivity (Christmas, etc.) I would be surprised if they just turned up, but they would be very welcome nonetheless.

 

Can you explain why you would refuse entry to your relatives? Do you have a bad relationship with them?

I would refuse entry to most anyone if it weren't a holiday or event. I have never refused them either.

 

It has to do with me, usually our schedule, my introvertness (I'm not sure if that's quite right but close?), the difficulty I have with visitors, and other reasons. Because of how I am, that's one reason why I extend invites so far in advance, because I need to be prepared.

Edited November 20, 2016 by displace

[displace]

That's unusual behavior in my experience - we do formal invitation or plans arranged a few weeks ahead of time, except for standing get togethers that don't change. Even then emails or phonecalls are usually made to confirm shortly before.

 

We are generally very private and protective of our time on short notice - but very generous with schedules in terms of more noticed arrangements. I'm almost always available if someone calls ahead a day or three, but swinging by with a door knock isn't my thing and stresses me out. I don't know if friends and family can sense this or feel the same way because that is typical in both our families and among our extended circle - calls and emails and planning, not spontaneous open doors.

This actually is a good idea. Even though I've invited them, whatever response I get, I should get back in touch to confirm even if it's a declined invite. Maybe their plans just change so much/often that my 2-4 week schedule ahead of time isn't fitting into their schedules?

[J-rap]

That does seem unusual.  We have an open-door policy, but on the other hand we all respect each other's privacy and time, too, so it never gets out of hand.  And if a short-notice visit was requested but didn't work for the host, the host would simply say so and the visitors wouldn't come.  No harm done.

[lynn]

We have an open door for everything. We just go with it and enjoy the company. We even had a relative show up on our door step needing a place to stay for a month. Not a problem.

[Nan in Mass]

There might be health problems that you aren,t aware of, something like digestive problems or depression, where there are good days and bad days and it is hard to predict ahead of time. Or they could be running right along the edge of exhaustion and not know until the last minute whether something will be fun or too much for them. If you can,t handle it because of your own need to plan for invasions of your privacy (which I understand) then perhaps you could explain your own problem to them, framing it as your problem, not theirs?

 

Nan

[DawnM]

Mine don't but I don't live near any.  

 

But my parents will just announce they have purchased airline tickets and are coming, which frustrates me.  Even if they call and ask if it is a good time and I say NO, they say, "Oh well, we are coming anyway."  ARGH!  They have no job and no plans, they can come ANY TIME, but my mom starts in with her, "In the winter it is too cold, in the summer it is too hot and in the fall my allergies act up.  I can ONLY come in the Spring.  Um, no you can't, but whatever.

 

I think part of it is that I grew up as a missionary kid.  We had missionary "stations" or "compounds" where it was the norm to just stop by, unannounced.  In fact, you yelled the local language's creating AS you walked into the door, without waiting to be invited in.  It was just the custom.

 

I had to learn very fast that this isn't how it is done in the US.

 

 

[FriedClams]

I'm with Laura - anyone shy of the meat truck is welcome in at any time.

 

If it bothers you, and you know it's going to happen, call them a week out. "I am doing my final shopping and need to know today of you will be coming next Wednesday. I'd love for you to come, but I need a confirmation now." Then wait, and let them talk. If they founder, and waffle, then "I need your final count by tonight at 6 or I'll assume you are not coming and I will not buy food for you guys." They'll still be annoying, and may or may not show up, but at least you tried. Some people are just rude and there's not much you can do to train them otherwise.

 

ETA- As a kid my family had a huge open house every Christmas Eve. One year a slightly drunk guy in a Santa suit shows up. Mom asks around, and none of us kids knew who it was. He ate, hung out, drank... In conversation someone learned he lived down the street and always wanted to come to the party, so this year he came. He was more than welcome. It was odd, but nice to meet a neighbor we'd never met.

Edited November 20, 2016 by FriedClams

[Lanny]

We do not allow anyone onto our property who we are not expecting. Once or twice,  during 12 1/2 years, people have showed up at the Entrance Gate to our rural subdivision and when the guard calls, we told them not to admit the person.   And someone coming for a meal or Holiday event, the host/hostess would need to know how many people to plan for, in advance of the event.  

Edited November 20, 2016 by Lanny

[zoobie]

It sounds like the MO with those people. When they call the day before, tell them it's not a good time and that you'll have to figure out another time to get together. Then hang up before they can argue with you. ;) It's your home, and you have the right to set boundaries. If you're inviting them for events, you can either call or put them in the "total flake" category. Assume they will but don't get upset if they flake.

[Guest]

Its open door in my family, basically we are spread out geographically plus some in military, and if someone gets a chance to be in the area, we are glad to have the opportunity to visit with them. Locals dropping in have learned to call ahead so that I have time to clean the facilities and the ice tea is ready. Anyone is welcome for holidays, neighbors included-most of my aunts and uncles were kids in the great depression, know how to eat off the land, fed soldiers getting off the train returning from war, and arent turning anyone away hungry. We will set another plate. Its had the result of making new friends, helping some people thru hard times, and some younger cousins get started in life.

My inlaws suspect some of free loading. If you drop in, you will get a cup of tea and a boxed cookie, they will hold dinner till you leave.i started bringing meals for my then young children as we would be invited to meals, but no food was served until certain people, also, invited, departed hours later. I dont know the history, but they wont feed or house their members who are .

having a tough start in life. Some estrangements have resulted, and that includes us. We would get calls to come over for an even the morning of the event....for ex I was in the hospital after surgery, the relative called, gave me 30 perfunctory seconds and then wanted dh to come over for a graduation party in her home for her child....in other words, I could take a taxi to the train station, train ride, and taxi home. My children were not invited, just dh, who would be able to arrive at the party start time if he departed right then. Some people are crackpots. That behavior is repeated over and over, so we dont cancel our plans at the last minute invite to an event others were invited to weeks ahead of time.

 

In your situation, it sounds like they are not using their manners. Whichever one is related needs to find out what is really going on. As hostess, just plan for extras and freeze leftovers if they are no shows. If they show up in masse unexpectedly emptyhanded, you can always go with the Charlie Brown popcorn.

Edited November 20, 2016 by Heigh Ho

[Rachel]

Well my brother once showed up midday at my house and I invited him in, he lives 12 hours from me. I can't imagine refusing entry to someone unless we had a bad history. I'm an introvert that hates plan changes, but I still can't picture it.

 

I suspect your family doesn't realize they are putting you out, they assume since you are inviting the rest of the family having a few extras won't make a big difference. I could definitely see that happening with both my family and my inlaws. I think I would follow up with them right before you do your grocery shopping and make sure you tell them you need a firm head count for food.

[hmvaughan4]

We do not like when others just drop in. We've asked close family to at least call first. Of course, they took it to mean they're not welcome in our home. I'm a planner and like to know what's going on and who's coming. ILs call on a Thursday night to let us know their kid's birthday party is that Saturday. It drives me nuts.

[lovinmyboys]

Well, we don't live near relatives, but we have had a few give us just a day or so notice that they would be in the area and ask if we could get together. I always then invite them over as we only see any relative maybe twice a year.

[Guest]

For family, yes, we have an open door policy. They are free to invite themselves for a visit any time, as long as we're available.

[Bambam]

I think this may be dependent upon where you grew up.

 

My dh thinks it is totally fine to drop in unannounced on friends, relatives, anyone. I do not. If they are local, wait for an invite. If we are travelling and happen to be in your town with time and desire to see you, I will call and see if it is convenient for you to meet up some place (because some people are picky about their house and they would *not* be okay with people just dropping by). If they aren't house-proud, I'm okay with just calling to see if they would be okay with us dropping in for a few minutes. 

 

Funny thing, though, my dh is not very okay with people just dropping by our house. I'm more okay with it than he is, but I do appreciate a heads up call first. 

 

We don't have any family locally at all, so if we did, that might change things. 

[QueenCat]

On both dh's side of the family and on mine, there is typically one family hosting Thanksgiving or Christmas. If you are in town, you are invited. If the host didn't know you were in town, someone else in the family will tell you where we will all be. And college kid brought a friend or two home, welcome too. We do try to let the host know a few days ahead of time BUT IF PLANS CHANGE and you are suddenly available to come, you are most certainly welcome. But the hosts typically have so many leftovers that having enough food is never an issue. We are grateful for whomever is able to be there and welcome extras, always.

[mellifera33]

For family, yes, we have an open door policy. They are free to invite themselves for a visit any time, as long as we're available.

 

 

Have you had anyone just drop by because they were "in the neighborhood" since you've moved?  :laugh:

[momacacia]

I'm sorry, that's just rude. :) But, that's how I was raised. Self-invites, particularly to more structured activities are impolite.

[City Mouse]

We live out in the boonies now, so no one would bother to shop up unplanned now, but my MIL used to do that, but not for holidays.

She would just show up to drop off something "important", but we are rather non-traditional in her eyes and usually we were not home when she came buy. That did not change her though.

If someone tried to come uninvited to a holiday, they have a 50/50 chance that we would not even be here.

[maize]

Executive function could play in. To my ADHD brain something 2 weeks out is so non-real and non-urgent that it hardly registers at all, and almost never qualifies for decision making attention.

Focusing enough to make decisions takes a huge effort, and my life two weeks from now is such a blurry concept that I just can't sort out what will be happening.

 

I had a major car trip this week and made no itinerary decisions until a day or two before leaving. It was on my mind that I needed to plan but I just couldn't bring myself to do it until closer to departure time when things felt both more real and more urgent. That is when I called my brother to see if we could stay with him on the way back.

Edited November 20, 2016 by maize

[Murphy101]

I would refuse entry to most anyone if it weren't a holiday or event. I have never refused them either.

 

It has to do with me, usually our schedule, my introvertness (I'm not sure if that's quite right but close?), the difficulty I have with visitors, and other reasons. Because of how I am, that's one reason why I extend invites so far in advance, because I need to be prepared.

I feel that way about people I am not comfortable with. So I might feel that way about a neighbor for example.

 

But anyone that would classified as family by me, whether they actually are or not legally?

 

Those people don't even knock or call. They literally just walk in any time and I'm fine with it.

 

Now of course one of the reasons we are fine with it for them is because there is an accompanying understanding that goes with such familiarity - you get what you get if you show up with it notice. If dh and I are making out in the bedroom? You will have to wait till we get some clothes on to visit. If we are in the middle of cleaning house? Give me a minute and we'll clear the laundry off the sofa for you to have a seat and some coffee. If I'm screaming at a kid bc they need to knock off their attitude? You don't get to come in and pretend like you've never ever had to do that. If I'm getting ready to walk out the door, you can either climb in the van too or enjoy some coffee and cookies until I get back. I am an extremely laid back hostess. It's the only kind of hostess I can be without losing my mind. For the most part, it's been my experience that if I have coffee in hand for them, people will over look everything else chaotic and weird. lol

[displace]

It sounds like the MO with those people. When they call the day before, tell them it's not a good time and that you'll have to figure out another time to get together. Then hang up before they can argue with you. ;) It's your home, and you have the right to set boundaries. If you're inviting them for events, you can either call or put them in the "total flake" category. Assume they will but don't get upset if they flake.

I think this is another thing I can change about my expectations: I usually take their word and assume they won't come because they said they won't. Then they do come (most of the time). I should assume they're coming instead! So simple.

 

I truly understand that if I feel I should have a boundary and refuse them and I don't, it's my fault. But I just can't. Frequently, they live in whole different states than us and we get a notice they'll be there a day or two ahead of time. They are already en route when we get the news.

 

From now on, I'll invite and assume they're coming even if they say they aren't, and plan for it, and try to not be surprised when they come. I may also extend a repeat invite closer to the date.

 

I figured some families had open door policies, but it's also good to see that this is not an assumed default status also.

Edited November 20, 2016 by displace

[displace]

If they show up in masse unexpectedly emptyhanded, you can always go with the Charlie Brown popcorn.

? 🤔 Like regular popcorn? I'm trying to think of the reference but I can't.

[Guest]

Invite them specifically and follow up a day or two before just to get an accurate count. I think that will alleviate your stress without expecting them to magically change their habits ;)

[displace]

Invite them specifically and follow up a day or two before just to get an accurate count. I think that will alleviate your stress without expecting them to magically change their habits ;)

Yes!

[Harriet Vane]

There are some who assume that whoever is hosting a family Thanksgiving is hosting "the clan" or anyone who calls themselves family to you. It may even be that your relatives told the other relatives about the party, not realizing that you want to formally invite some and not others.

 

Ask me how I know...  ;)

[QueenCat]

There are some who assume that whoever is hosting a family Thanksgiving is hosting "the clan" or anyone who calls themselves family to you. It may even be that your relatives told the other relatives about the party, not realizing that you want to formally invite some and not others.

 

Ask me how I know...  ;)

 

Yes! That's how it works on both sides of our family...... one main host, anyone can come. Just try to let the host know a couple of days before, if possible. If things change, no problem.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

That doesn't happen in my family.

[Joules]

Not usually, I pretty much freak out on the rare occasion, and it doesn't happen again.  Introverts need time to prepare for company:

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/dc/4a/30/dc4a3047e848b0d0552c547892e59410.jpg

 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

It depends on your family culture and national or ethnic culture.  My dh snickered and kicked me under the table when I said at our wedding that anyone was welcome to visit us.  I found out why two weeks later when out of town guests (out of the country, actually) called me two weeks later to tell me that they were a half hour away.  They stayed for over a week.  His ethnic and family culture are of the "no notice, schedule gets changed at a moment's notice" type.  There is nothing wrong with that culture if that is what you are used to and what you buy into.  I stopped hosting Thanksgiving years ago when I got a call 5 minutes before I was expecting everyone to come to our house asking me to pack up the turkey and bring it somewhere an hour away because they had all changed their minds.  Weird in my ethnic culture but not theirs.  So I do what I can to put up boundaries and yet respect their culture at the same time.  For me, this means asking them to tell me where I should go and when and planning to bring something non-fussy that can handle any eventuality.  Life is too short to get upset about stuff like this, in my opinion.  It's much better to laugh about it and to tell stories on message boards. 

 

In your case, I'd just ask for clarification before hand. 

 

Edited because homophones are tricky. 

Edited November 20, 2016 by Jean in Newcastle

[poppy]

Depends on family culture. What's hard is that people who are OK with it are offended if you are not.  People who don't like it, who marry into that family, have no choice.   Or I guess they can "choose" to be the bitchy one.

Yes I married into it.  Some of the responses here would drive me bonkers, like, why do I need to be able to have an excuse to have an expectation privacy ?

So I grit my teeth and go along with it. But it's  not how I was raised and I find it intrusive.

[displace]

Not usually, I pretty much freak out on the rare occasion, and it doesn't happen again. Introverts need time to prepare for company:

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/dc/4a/30/dc4a3047e848b0d0552c547892e59410.jpg

Ha!

[SKL]

My close family does this - not often, but it's not a big deal to them.

 

A few years ago, we had a party that included out-of-towners.  I think it was my parents' 50th anniversary.  As the festivities were ending close to midnight, my out-of-town cousin, whom I've only met twice in my life, informed me that he and 4 other family members are coming to my house for dinner the next day.  I was like, um, "oh great!"

 

(Did I mention that I don't cook?  And I work 7 day weeks and don't keep a spotless house?)

 

My sister will call me and tell me she'll be in my county today and can she drop by?  And I say, what time, and she says, I'll be there in 10 minutes.  :P  My mom has no problem doing this either, but her health issues prevent her doing it often.

[SKL]

Oh and one of the people I live with is from a culture that has servants to keep the house company-ready at all times.  She could not understand why I needed a little notice before entertaining out-of-town company, particularly people I don't know.  She would tell me someone was coming in short order, I'd freak out, she'd say "you don't have to clean."  I was not raised to have company over in a messy house.  I was also not raised to keep my house looking like a showcase 24/7.  At some point my housemate figured out that notice was needed, or she needed to take her visitors out to a restaurant.

[TravelingChris]

My son comes to our house without telling us.  Its fine with us.  He used to live here and obviously knows our family.  He is usually coming to do laundry or wash his caving gear in our driveway.   He has a key to our house. That's how fine we are with him coming here.  Our kids are all welcome at any time.  Others need to tell us that they are coming.  Otherwise we may not be home.

[QueenCat]

I think there's a big difference between people stopping in unannounced when nothing is really going on and extras showing up unexpectedly when they know there is a family gathering happening.

[foxbridgeacademy]

yes, very common in my family but we are extremely close, even with my Aunts and Uncles.  A call just before to make sure they're home is pretty standard.  With my mom/sisters I wouldn't even call because if they're not home I have keys.

 

For family events it's whoever shows up is who is there, bring extra people even there is always enough food.

[displace]

My son comes to our house without telling us. Its fine with us. He used to live here and obviously knows our family. He is usually coming to do laundry or wash his caving gear in our driveway. He has a key to our house. That's how fine we are with him coming here. Our kids are all welcome at any time. Others need to tell us that they are coming. Otherwise we may not be home.

The "wash caving gear" had me pause and reread 😆

[Arcadia]

My in-laws would visit without prior notice, as in not even calling when leaving their house, when we were living 50mins away from them. I'm a night owl but I wake up early. My hubby was sleeping in on a Saturday morning and annoyed that his parents didn't call first. They also end up dropping by when we weren't home. I think they forgot my hubby is not a homebody so once he wake up we are usually out on bus rides to downtown.

 

Most of hubby's relatives would call before they drive to our home to make sure we don't have other plans. Hubby and I don't know why his parents don't call other than we stayed near a mall so they can go shopping if we are not at home. My relatives will call because they tend to be not home anyway so they assume people have plans.

 

Now any relative would have to fly to visit us so no more unexpected relatives drop by.

 

As for family gatherings, we just assume a no is a maybe and a maybe is a yes when preparing food and drinks. Also all of us live near to delis so walking out to buy more food isn't hard. Besides we are used to calling Pizza Hut/KFC delivery for food if we are low on food.

[happypamama]

No open door policy here (a couple of extreme introverts), and I would find it very odd if there were frequent last minute changes in plans without much explanation. That would actually bother me a lot and cause me a lot of internal stress, holiday or not. Now, if I invited someone and they said they weren't sure, especially because of health concerns, I wouldn't mind that and would plan accordingly. But saying nothing and then two days before deciding they would come, or declining and then accepting very close to the event, it would probably drive me nuts, unless I were already hosting a bunch of people.

[Laura Corin]

I'm an introvert, but surprise visitors don't bother me much.  I just find it tiring to have them around for long and need to recharge alone afterwards.

[kewb]

I am an introvert but I am fine with drop in guests. Although, my home won't be spotless if I don't have advance notice. It does take a lot of mental energy and I require a lot of recovery time.

Fortunately, we live over an hour away from most relatives. We don't have a circle of friends that would just drop in unannounced.

For a holiday, I wouldn't turn someone away but I would inwardly be miffed.

My dh feels cell phones have made the drop in rude. There is no reason you can't call first from the road if the whim hits you to visit.

Edited November 21, 2016 by kewb

[magnificent_baby]

Executive function could play in. To my ADHD brain something 2 weeks out is so non-real and non-urgent that it hardly registers at all, and almost never qualifies for decision making attention.

Focusing enough to make decisions takes a huge effort, and my life two weeks from now is such a blurry concept that I just can't sort out what will be happening.

 

I had a major car trip this week and made no itinerary decisions until a day or two before leaving. It was on my mind that I needed to plan but I just couldn't bring myself to do it until closer to departure time when things felt both more real and more urgent. That is when I called my brother to see if we could stay with him on the way back.

 

This is so me! I've never been able to put a finger on it, but you described it perfectly.

 

As far as the OP, I come from a family where 95% of us are in the medical field. Everyone's schedule varies from year to year. We start discussing holidays about 2 weeks ahead of time, then refine it about 3-4 days prior. It's not until that point that we know who will be there or won't. Weather/travel plays a part in this as well. We often have family friends ask to spend their holidays with us; I love that about my family, everyone feels welcome.

 

DH's family is not nearly as flexible. They begin discussing holidays months ahead. Now THAT stresses me out. 

[KungFuPanda]

With personalities like that, I'd just call . . . on the phone . . . like a dinosaur, and pin them down to a yes or no answer. Make it clear that maybe means no.

[kiwik]

I am an introvert. I don't mind surprise visits provided they accept me and the house as they find me and don't expect me to cancel plans. Or stay all day.